Chapter Text
You're staring at the stars. The night air nips at your nose and you can feel Mirabelle shifting in your lap, curling up a little closer. She lets out a kitten-like sneeze (cute…) and tucks her head in her arms with a sigh.
You move a bit more of your coat over her and look around.
In the distance you can see quite a few people are playing in the ocean despite the cold (Bonnie and Nille being two of them) and the festival still has plenty of people at it with the music keeping things lively. Most of the vendors have already closed up and the ones that haven't are more focused on chatting with anybody near than selling anything. A few also seem to be letting travelers take over their stalls so they can run around and visit their friends before the evening ends.
(...You’ve lived here for a few years now but some things about Vaugarde still weird you out.)
It's pretty windy tonight so the breeze carries the smell from various types of food at the festival and mixes it with the ocean’s salt.
It's nostalgic.
You let any guesses as to ‘why’ wash itself out of your mind.
With some light directing, you look back at the beach. Bonnie’s on Nille's shoulders trying to push a kid in a fancy bolero (you think that's what Isa called it?) off someone with freckles. The freckled one is the only one playing fair, mostly just standing still. Bonnie keeps licking fancy one’s hands anytime they manage to grab them, fancy one in turn thrashes their legs out wildly (nearly toppling freckled one over once) and unlike freckled one Nille’s splashing up a storm. You think she's trying to kick the sand at her opponents but isn't having much luck thanks to the tides steady back and forth.
You think you’ve seen freckled one around before, from one of the few times you've met Bonnie right after they got out of class. It’s been a while since then and they’ve crafted their hair a different shade and texture so you’re only really sure it’s them from the way some of their freckles are aligned but you're glad they’ve stuck together through the years.
When your family finished traveling for the first time so Bonnie could go back to school, they had trouble hanging out with other kids at first. They kept puffing up their chest and claiming they were ‘Just too grown up for those babies’ but it was clear they weren't adjusting the best to being mostly around people their own age again. Well. Technically their age. Bambouche was frozen later than other areas in Vaugarde so they had only missed a season while other places lost an entire year. That didn't make the time gone any easier for them though.
…
… Around when you first met Nille, something she did that stuck out to you was repeatedly brushing Bonnie's hair out of their face. At first you weren't really sure why you took note of it (maybe just because of how often she did it) until Bonnie asked Mirabelle to tie their hair up while they were cooking and she commented on how long it's gotten that it clicked. It wasn't really something you could've noticed on your own (you lost time in your own way) and it gave you a weird feeling once you were aware, so you can imagine how it must have felt for– oops! Mira grabs your hand, squeezing it for a second. Apparently, you had absentmindedly started tapping your fingers on her head in sync with the waves.
You squeeze back and almost on cue as you look up you see all four of them end up in the water with a perfectly climactic splash. Nille and the freckled one weren't playing opposite strategies, they both just got their feet stuck in the wet sand. As they stand up soaked in water and caked in sand it takes nearly all your restraint to not let out a laugh. Mira’s not as successful in smothering hers and you can feel her grin pressed against your thigh.
You cup your other hand around your mouth to shout.
“Time to turn in then?”
Nille shoots you a thumbs up while trying to shake off some of the sand and even at this distance you can hear Bonnie's groan.
Mirabelle unfurls and you both stretch a bit while Bonnie and Nille wrap things up with fancy one and freckled one. Bonnie and freckled one share one last small tussle trying to “help” get sand off each other that ends with freckled one running off, promising that they'll get Bonnie back at school. Bonnie only sticks their tongue out at them. Hehe.
“Urgh… maybe I should've turned in early like Isabeau….” She pats some of the sand off her dress while you slide your gloves back on. Mira and Isa are leaving tomorrow (or well, later today. Midnight passed a while ago) while you're staying with Bonnie and Nille for a few more weeks. Odile left before the year turned over, trying to get ahead of a big storm that's supposed to delay travel for a while on her usual route. Everyone made sure to look out for any books or trinkets she might've liked and Bonnie even found a few snacks for Odile that’ll still be good next time she's in town.
Sucks she couldn't stay for the whole festival. There was a booth selling some REALLY good drinks that was only here today (yesterday?) and it had this sour drink you’d love to see her try. Before you and your family left the festival you asked the vendor if she’d be around for the summer ones. After gawking a bit she told you she only does the winter ones because ‘Ya hafta be crazy to run a stall in that kind of heat!’ but she’d be back for the winter ones.
Bummer. You’ll have to take her next year.
Mirabelle grabs onto your hand to help you stand up while Bonnie runs over and immediately tries to wiggle their way into your coat for warmth, getting the top of your head wet with the water still dripping from their hair and hat. Euughhhh you can still feel the grit of sand on them but they're cold so your resistance is… Minimal!
(You can hear Mira and soon enough Nille snickering from your blind side. Traitors.)
“Told ya it’d be cold Bug!”
Bonnie shivers and smushes their face further into your hair (getting it even wetter) to avoid looking at Nille. “DUH! But you didn't say it’d be this cold!!” You hear the sand shifting as she walks over and feel Bonnie (unsuccessfully) trying to dodge her ruffling their hair, tugging you along with them.
Nille takes their hat off to ring the water out of it and then holds your eye for a second. The hat’s made of wool and has temperature regulation sewn in so it should keep at least their head warm. You nod and she places it back on Bonnie.
“Sorry, but you're old enough to know how cold winter is,” They pick themself off of you a little at that. Heh they look a little like a wet dog. “And old enough to not listen to your dear sister telling you– GWUH?!”
Like a wet dog, Bonnie starts shaking their head wildly, flicking water onto you and Nille! Their hat barely manages to stay on.
She barks out a laugh. “Oh it’s on!” Not one to take things standing down she swipes at them and the two start a playful tussle kicking sand everywhere getting more of it stuck on them and you lightly dusted.
(Mira walked around at some point and is happily watching this from a safe dry sand-free distance. You stick your tongue out at her. She giggles and does the same in return.)
The play fight ends quickly with Nille picking Bonnie up and hoisting them slightly over her shoulder. She squeezes them a bit. “Crab, you're cold, we should get you home soon, bug.” They wiggle a bit so she’d put them back on the ground, hooking her arm around their shoulder after. She's more focused on Bonnie right now, but Nille doesn't seem to be much better with the cold.
Actually…
“Do you wanna borrow my coat?” It's not really your coat, Isa gave it to you before he turned in as you left your cloak over at Bonnie and Nille's house so it's big enough to swallow you and definitely would help keep the two of them warm.
“YES!” Bonnie takes one step forward and then quickly folds back against Nille as the wind picks up. Rubbing their shoulders Nille looks back to you. “You sure? Like– really really sure?”
You nod, already sliding it off. The inn’s pretty close by while their house is still a decent walk away. Bonnie is the worse off of the pair, being younger and not taking any layers off before playing in the ocean, but walking home wet can't feel that great for Nille either.
She trudges over to take it (not super easy with Bonnie practically gluing themself to her side) and gives a small ‘thanks’ before prying Bonnie off and sliding the coat on them. It looks incredibly silly on them– and your face quickly heats up realizing you’ve been walking around for the last couple of hours looking like that. You bury your face slightly in your scarf and fiddle with the strap on your gloves three times.
(Stars above… no one said anything at least?)
It's not as long on them as it is on you but definitely way too wide. Bonnie stares at you for a second and then back at Nille, their eyes creasing slightly.
That's all the warning you get before they start batting the empty sleeves at both of you.
You, of course, dodge it gracefully and Nille manages to grab onto a sleeve a few times before Bonnie yanks it back. It's all still for a second before they start running at you.
Round two, then!
The three of you go back and forth like this for a bit. You mostly dodge while Nille takes a more direct approach and bravely tries to disarm Bonnie, usually getting a quick smack on her hands in return. Mirabelle applauds occasionally after a close call but you can't quite tell who she's rooting for.
They almost got you with their last swat and you wink at them, sticking your tongue out.
Completely coincidentally, you and Nille run into each other knocking both of you to the ground. As you lie flat on your back, you can faintly hear the ding-ding of Mirabelle’s brooches getting closer.
“HA! YES!!” Bonnie stands above the two of you, laughing at the scene.
They have their focus entirely on the two of you and hasn't noticed Mirabelle behind them. Your eye meets hers and she shoots a glance at Bonnie and then back to you. Oh, you know exactly what to do.
Giving your best performance, you groan over your defeat (and also a fresh bruise or two ow—) and rest your arm on your face appropriately.
“Unbelievable… to be bested like this…!”
Nille starts trying to get off of you and you quickly flick her wrist to stop her. It takes a second for her to notice Mira but you can feel her relax and drop back on you. Just keep them talking a little longer.
“Alright, alright, you’ve won this round.” You can practically hear the smile on her face. “Don't be so sure about next time, though.”
“Uh-huh? You sure about that?”
They start circling you and Mirabelle (now holding her brooches still) mirrors them as close as she can. It's almost like they're dancing. Almost.
They start to lean over you, a last few droplets dripping from their hair.
“‘Cuz where I’m standing it looks like–”
Right at that moment Mirabelle hugs Bonnie from behind, pinning their arms in place.
“Gotcha!”
You applaud her and Nille pumps her fist in the air a few times. Mirabelle takes as much of a bow as she can with Bonnie in her hold.
They sputter. “That's cheating!! Nille and Frin already lost a-and Belle wasn't playing!!! UGH…!!!!!!!!”
“All’s fair when it's this late, bug.”
Bonnie just turns as much of themself away from you as they can, which isn't much.
They squirm a bit but make no real escape attempt. Nille walks over to ruffle their hair (Bonnie leaning into it with a pout) and Mira gives them a quick squeeze before letting go.
You get up from where you were standing and try to brush off as much sand as you can. It's gotten wet in some places so you’re not really doing that good of a job at it (Mira hovers over you a bit, probably wanting to help but not wanting to get dirty). The top of your hair is also still kind of damp. Gross.
Mirabelle opens and closes her mouth a few times, tilts her head a little and then shakes it.
??
Before you can ask what she was thinking both of you nearly jump out of your skin when Nille sneezes a few times and groans.
“Woah.”
Woah’s right, that was loud! You're a little impressed!
Not great that she's sneezing, though. Is there some way she and Bonnie could share the coat? Hmm…
…
……
………… Oh! You’ve got an idea!
“Nille, can you crouch down for a second?”
She starts to do it, stops and then squints at you. “Why?”
You just smile.
…
….. She's still just looking at you. Bonnie and Mira have joined her so now it feels like a three on one staring contest. Six on one isn't very fair. Guess you gotta explain, then. Boo.
“If you carry Bonbon on your back, you can both wear the coat.”
“Oh!”
“Cute!!!”
“Hm, alright.”
Without further ado she crouches and Bonnie scrambles on top of her. “Belle, cover your eyes!”
“Ah?? Okay???”
“And no peeking!!”
“I wasn't going to??????”
They wobble a bit standing up together and Bonnie has to shift around a bit so Nille can get her hair out of the way. Once they've stabilized you move over to hide Nille's face behind it. She winks at you as you tie it loose enough that they shouldn't have any problem getting it off when they get home.
“OKAY, Okay, okay! Belle, you can look now!!”
Slowly she peeks out from behind her fingers. She starts giggling.
“Wow, Bonnie! You’ve gotten so much taller since I last saw you!”
Hehe. “Yeah, bet you’ve got Isa beat in height now.”
They prop themself up straighter with a proud ‘Hmf!’. Mirabelle sways lightly, brooches providing near rhythmic chimes.
“Mhm! Maybe even Cassandre!”
You tilt your head.
“Ah– that's the head housemaiden.” Oh.
“Well, it’s been– Ack– Actually hold on, Bon can you move the coat a bit?”
They part the coat so her face can stick out. The positioning makes it look like she has a bow around her neck.
“Okay, phew! It's been real good but we should all probably get to bed soon.”
Yeah, all of you look ready to turn in. You and Mira give Nille the best impression of a hug you can manage right now and Bonbon gives a last few thwacks with the sleeves while you're all saying goodnight.
Bonnie waves at you and Mirabelle until they're out of sight.
She stares at where they went. The festival must've started cleaning up what they needed to for the night while you were playing as the only sounds you can hear are distant waves and some faint chiming. All the lights inside houses and other buildings are out.
There's only a few lanterns left burning outside. Yours is still on the ground a few feet away. Mirabelle's only visible through moonlight.
For a moment, the world is just the two of you.
With a barely hidden yawn in her voice, Mira turns to you. “Ready to go?”
You nod, picking up your light before the two of you start heading back to the inn.
She slides up next to you, hooking her arm with yours and fumbling a bit to get one of your gloves off before tucking it in her pocket. Her hand is cold compared to yours, you pull closer and mutter a few wishes under your breath. You're rewarded with a contented sigh as she leans closer.
The two of you walk in a comfortable silence for a while until, once again, she opens and closes her mouth a few times without saying anything, absently tracing circles on the back of your hand with her thumb. You squeeze lightly before mirroring the motion.
“I still can't believe they got taller than us. I mean, I– um,” She laughs softly. “I knew it was going to happen eventually, but I didn't think they'd get so tall that fast!”
?
You nod? “Bonnie kept telling me to bring some sweets whenever I was over. Compensation for growing pains.”
“Aw, Poor thing! Did you bring them any?”
(You think of your pinky promise with Nille not to overindulge Bonnie with sweets and instead fill up a crafted bottle or make a balm when they start complaining about knee pain. You also think of your secret pinky promise with Bonnie to sneak them some extra fancy candied fruits on days when they were at your house.)
…
“Who's to say?”
You look anywhere else, pretending you don't see how curious Mira is. You count how many stars you recognize tonight.
“Hmm… Well, anyway,”
She starts skipping over cracks and surface damage in the road.
“You remember Étienne? Drawing kid?” Drawing kid! “Hehe, they finished Changing just before I left but, ah! That's not why I’m bringing them up, well, not the main reason at least?”
Oh?
Mirabelle turns to look at you without stopping. She's kind of walking like a crab, but you want to know what’s up so you're not gonna tell her that. Not right now, anyway.
“So! With the renovations at the House, Cassandre has been looking for ways to have people leave a more personal mark of their time there. Like having people use what they learned to make new tableware, or how the furniture in a room will be laid out! Part of it’s to make it easier to see how they've changed while at the House, another part is that for people who’ve joined or Changed recently, they can make a piece as a farewell to who they were before.”
She falls back in place by your side and begins swinging your hands together.
“So I asked Étienne if they’d be interested in changing anything in the House, and after talking with Cassandre about it, they're going to be doing a mural in one of the classrooms!”
Oh. “That's wonderful, Mira.”
She beams brightly. You almost forget you have a lantern.
“They were so nervous at first, but they still made so many drawings for different areas they were thinking about hehe! Étienne actually sent a letter with some of them a few days ago if you wanna see? Ah wait! I think I left it at Bonnie's and Nille’s!”
She groans and playfully puts her weight on you.
“I can't believe this— I think I left a pair of boots over there too, urgh.”
You start rubbing the circle motion on her hand again.
“I’ll send them with my next letter.”
“Thank you… Oh! Do you have any tips for working on a door frame? I wanted to give some of the repair work a try.”
You nod and give a few pointers. The conversation drifts off as the long night sinks into both of you, leaving Mirabelle too tired to ask anything more. You make a mental note to write down what you remember her asking when you get back.
…
Mirabelle working with a coping saw worries you a little but she has a way with bows so it should be fine. Probably.
Hearing an update on how Étienne’s doing was exciting though! If you're being honest, you kind of expected them to change. You saw them for the first time in years during the summer. It wasn't for very long (staying in Dormont longer than a week is still too much for you, it seems) but you could still see how stuck they felt. You thought it was only related to their art, so hearing that they capital c Changed was a surprise. Not a bad one though! A part of you is really really happy they went through with it!
(Another part of yourself you're unwilling to name aches thinking about body craft.)
(... It's a lot of work to do anyway. It’s fine.)
(You're… Fine.)
…
You wonder how many people at Bonnie's school are starting to play around with Changing. It's pretty common from what you've seen for kids around their age to start changing more stuff than names and clothes, crafting hair’s just the easiest one to do without having to visit a House.
Bonnie seems comfortable where they're at currently. They’ve tacked on some extra names from time to time but always wanted to be called them along with Bonnie. And aside from breakouts and knee pain, they seem happy with the way things are going. Especially their voice! Every time you hear them cooking lately they've been singing some song they only half remember, mumbling the words for the parts they forgot and ignoring anytime their voice cracks or strains. You’ve taught them a few you remember liking when you were younger (and learned some of them are still whistled among the fishers Nille works with) while Nille's taken to making up new lyrics to help Bonnie keep pace. Sometimes the three of you try to make up new songs together, a habit the rest of your family's joined this trip. Isabeau and Mirabelle trying to weave a story, Odile and Bonnie getting a laugh out of picking words everyone has to work to find something to rhyme it with, you Nille and Isa rushing to be the first to say some wordplay bad enough to make your family groan until the song pitters out and you switch to catching up on what letters don't cover.
Bonnie tends to be the one talking the most during those conversations. You've skimmed over their letters for them a few times and from what you've seen, Bonnie doesn't really bring up anything going on in their life when writing, mainly focusing on responding to whatever topic the person they're writing to brought up and maybe a few recipes they recommend. A stark contrast to them running short of breath when your family's all together to give them the whole picture.
A preference for being able to hear and see how they react, maybe?
You and Nille either heard it all as it was happening, or were part of it (not that you mind hearing it again), but it never really felt like a lot was happening until Bonnie was retelling it. The same goes for them getting older, you guess. Everyday, little by little, they're changing, what stays the same is what catches your eye more. One time you asked Nille about the way she and Bonnie tie knots and to your surprise she became super flustered learning that they still tie them the way she taught them even after learning easier methods. Bonnie had a similar reaction when Odile mistook their laughter for Nille's when she was in the other room. They can be so alike at times.
Nille has trouble seeing the role she’s played for them sometimes but you know she's proud of how she and Bonnie have shaped each other. It’d be great if you could raise a kid yourself someday.
…
Wait.
Do you? Want to be a parent?
Huh. You don't think you’ve ever really thought about it before? Not like it was something you could actually do, at least.
What would you even be doing if you had a kid? You’d watch them get older, obviously, but there's probably more to being a parent than that.
Hm.
It’s never been bad playing with kids and Bonnie's the best but you aren't their parent. They're your friend, your family, one of the most important people in your life but you didn't raise them and you know there's things that they'll go to you with instead of Nille because of that. And it's irreplaceable, you wouldn't trade it for anything else but it's not exactly comparable to what you're thinking of. So that still leaves the question of what—
!?
Mirabelle squeezes your hand a few times??
???????
You? Squeeze? Back? She doesn't say anything but seems a bit relieved.
What was that about…?
…
Anyway, aside from living near each other, you don't think your relationship with Bonnie or Nille is something entirely separate from the rest of your family, so maybe it's a question of what do you do with family?
What was it Bonnie said back then? Stay together, eat together, good mornings and goodnights? You do more than that but it's a good starting point.
What else? Bonnie’s gotten a lot of their habits from Nille but you can still spot stuff they learned from your other family members and what your family's pinched from each other. Bonnie learning to tie a knot from Nille, Nille learning how to more seamlessly repair patches from Isabeau, Isabeau copying the temperature regulation pattern in your cloak into gifts he makes for everyone, you copying the way Mirabelle chops things because it's cuter, Mirabelle lending her familytale to Odile and—
And Odile talking about heritage with you.
(...)
You feel warm.
You already share what you can of your culture with your family but doing it again sounds. Really good. Sharing them with your family and your family sharing them with you. Making your family a little bigger, doing everything again, another person that shapes you. Another person with the same ties as you. Tied to your and your family.
Just another part, another star in the sky.
You weren't paying attention so you stumble a little stepping off a curb, the noise you let out prevents Mirabelle from doing the same and she readjusts your hands. You're still warm, you hope some of it sinks into her.
Stars!
You’re a little dizzy but! Wow! You really want this, huh! And! You have! No idea! About how you're actually going to do that!
You turn the corner, now arriving at the inn. Mirabelle seems ready to drop as you fish her room key out of her pocket but you think it'll be hard to sleep tonight.
After a hug, some words you're half sure she’s not awake enough to hear and a sleepy forehead kiss good night, you leave Mirabelle in her room and quietly slip into Isabeau's.
You place the lantern on the dresser, lowering the flame for there to be just enough light shining for you to undress. Briefly you think about taking a shower before you remember that you also left your stuff over at Bonnie and Nille’s because you're supposed to check out for Isabeau and Mirabelle in the morning and didn't want to forget any of your stuff here.
Urgh.
Instead, you sigh, tie your hair up on the top of your head in hopes that too many strands won't get caught in the pillowcase fabric, and change into some of Isabeau's clothes so you don't bring the sand to sleep with you.
Now relatively sand-free you blow out the lantern, hook your eyepatch on a cornerpost and crawl into bed, curling up against Isa.
(You don't really need to, you still feel impossibly warm, you just want to be close.)
You close your eyes and focus on breathing to calm down so you can sleep. Empty your thoughts. In, and out.
In… and out…
In…………… And out……
Pheeeeeeeeeeeew…
…
……
…………………
……
… You still can't sleep.
It's bothering you.
Why did you think about if you want to be a parent when you aren't even sure how you’d have a child. Or where to even start looking for information for that matter! You don't have the parts to do it yourself and Vaugarde isn't like other places you’ve been. If a kid or teenager doesn't have parents in Vaugarde, the most likely scenario is that it's something they've chosen to separate from, even if it wasn't really a choice.
(You think of runaways, you think of boats, you think of Nille, you think of—)
You sit up, squeezing the blanket between your fingers, spreading them over the fabric before bunching it up again. You repeat this a few times. Breathe in, and out. The texture of the blanket is smooth underneath but the top is fuzzy. Just— You're tired and overthinking things, what's done is done. And stop stressing yourself out when you don't know all the facts. Try to match Isa’s breathing.
In, and out.
Phew.
Before those thoughts can start again, you gently shake Isabeau's shoulders. It's late and you should let him rest but you have to know and he probably knows something. At least more than you do.
“Hey.” you whisper.
He stirs slightly, you shake him again.
“Hey, Isabeau… Isa. Is~a~beaut~.”
That got him a little more. He rolls over to face you with a groan and soft ‘Hm?’.
Okay, okay. You're a little nervous now but you’ve already woken him up.
Don't overthink it, just say it!
“I want a baby.”
Okay, maybe you could've thought about phrasing a bit more!
You—
“Oh. Just—” He swallows a yawn. “Just to hang out with?”
You blink. Not entirely awake then, huh.
You watch him as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes. … Do you need to say it again? It gives you a chance to say it differently but—
He nearly hits your heads together with how fast he sits up. “CRAB— SORRY, sorry!! But— Sif???”
Isabeau hides his face in his hands and mumbles something too muffled for you to head. Wuh oh. “Maybe I didn't hear you right, could you, uh, say that again?”
…
Well. There's your answer. Your face feels like it's burning. Stars…
“I, um, I want a baby?”
“OKAY….. Okay, I did hear you right,” He reaches out, bringing your hands into his. “Is there… A reason this is coming up right now? Are you okay? Did something happen?”
Nothing really happened, you press your palms together, nodding for the first question and shaking for the second. Isa opens his mouth to ask something else but you tilt your head with a low hum so he knows you're just trying to think of what to say.
His hands are a little sweaty. How do you say this?
“I… want to have a child,” You slide your fingers in between his. His nail polish is slightly chipped on his right hand and his nails could use a trim. The skin on the back of your hands is a little dry. “But I can't do it on my own.”
Isabeau hums softly but doesn't say anything.
A weight rests in your throat.
You could leave it at that. You don't have to say more, just tell Isabeau it made you feel lonely and that's why you woke him up. It doesn't have to mean anything. It's fine! You're fine not knowing!
…
(You're not.)
(You have to know.)
You look up. “Do you know anything about that? If there's a way for me to do it?”
It's hard to see in the dark but he nods.
“Yeah, I haven't really looked into it in a while but there's a few ways. None that you can, like, do right this second, and it's pretty late right now but,”
He lets go of your hands for a second before cupping them inside his.
“I can find out more and I’ll write you a letter about anything I find once Mira and I are back in Dormont. And, uh! You're free to ignore this, I don't want to step in it or anything but if it's okay with you I’d. Like to do it with you? R-raising a kid, I mean.”
!!!!!!!!!!
“You don't need to— WOW! OKAY, okay! Oh crab, that's a yes, I take it????”
If you nodded any harder you think your head’d split in two.
“Cool, cool! Just checking! Hah…!”
Isabeau brings his hands (along with yours) to his face, hiding behind them a bit. “That… Was a lot for this late. Not bad, not bad! But we should probably get back to bed, huh?”
Your heart's racing still but you nod anyway. He flops down with a nice ‘omph!’. You follow suit a second later.
Both of you get situated. It takes a while for Isa to fall asleep again but he does eventually do it. You match the rise and fall of his chest and when that gets old you start counting it instead.
You’ve had a lot on your mind tonight. Before you know it, it starts to feel a little distant and you're out like a light.
To say you’ve been thinking about Crafting your body for a while would be an understatement.
One of the first times you ever gave any real thought to it was in the loops. It would've been hard not to, with everything being stagnant and one of the keys you needed being in the room dedicated to it. You had thought about it before, of course, but in a more abstract, distant way. This was something other people could do, people who were real and had homes and knew other people who’d used their name.
People who had something they could change from. Why go through all that effort just for yourself.
After the loops you did play with your appearance a bit. Braiding your hair and learning how to take better care of it. Wearing different styles of clothes just to try them out, even if you hated them immediately afterwards. Getting to go ding-ding like Mira and Isa with some bell earrings (which you still have!! You just don't wear them constantly anymore). Some less savory activities that lead to an infection one time. You even managed to keep some of the weight you put on!
But you never touched Body Craft.
At first you just couldn't because of your craft exhaustion. It never really went away but you could barely do small basic crafts like keeping a drink warm for months without getting so dizzy you had to lay down for a few hours. Something more complicated like Body Craft, where you’d have to keep crafting for hours at a time everyday, was something you’d have to wait for.
And then once you got more stable, you still didn't touch it! So cool!
It still seemed like a lot of work and the thought of so much of yourself changing at once was overwhelming. You got stressed out trying too many new clothes at once and that was something you’d take off at the end of the day. And there was always the chance you didn't end up liking them! With clothes, one way or another, you didn't have to keep them. You could give them to someone else, and if no one wanted them, the seams could be split and it’d just be cloth for something else. You can't do that to a body. Not as easily, anyway, it’s something you still have to live in.
So again, you put it in the back of your mind and kept your attention on other things, only thinking about your body when you really needed to.
You started thinking about it again when you and Isabeau were writing letters to try and decide how exactly you were gonna have a kid and WOW there were a lot more options than you thought there were… When he listed Body Crafting as an option for either of you it made you lightheaded. You were so excited, you wrote your reply the same day and sent it before you could second guess yourself. After that, you headed to the part of the library that was kept in the corner of your eye. It was a lot of emotions at once. Mostly good!
You also felt. Really stupid. For thinking that there was only one way people did Body Craft.
For years you thought that you could only do it if you had a specific end goal in mind that you were fully committed to. That's how it was in the Body Craft room in Dormont's house during the loops, and that was usually how Isabeau and some of your other friends talked about their experiences with it. It just seemed weird to think otherwise.
Apparently it was that way for a while, at least when Isa did it.
Different methods and styles have popped up as advancements in Body Craft were made. The method you're using is for people who want to see how their body would change on its own over time by switching what type of hormone it makes. According to the book you're using, it's often the baseline for other methods, can easily be mixed and matched with them to get the results a person wants and because of how minimal it is you don’t have to stay at a house of change.
That seemed like the best method for you. It was quick and easy, letting the Universe take the lead means you wouldn't have to do everything at once and with only two things to craft and the right timing you could have a kid by the end of the year.
Or so you thought. With the method you picked, the book said you could have everything finished down there in a few days.
It's already been over a week and you're still sitting in a bathtub with a hand mirror and a book you propped in the corner trying to figure out how much more you can work on today.
The hormone switch by itself was as easy, barely taking an hour and using only a little craft, but this is more draining than you thought it’d be. You skim along the page seeing what the next few steps are. Seems like… you're at about the halfway point so now you can start crafting your uterus.
The thing that's the reason you're even letting yourself craft down there for.
Woohoo.
You put the mirror down and shift a bit to make it easier to slip your fingers inside and it’s?? A little weird???
It's a bit dry which makes sense, you aren't finished crafting it, but it does make you regret a little not grabbing some sort of lube like the book suggests. It also kind of feels like a thicker version of the inside of your mouth which??? You also think???? Makes sense?????? The labia also gets called lips and it doesn't really mention texture so maybe you were meant to know that already????????
It's– it's not bad? Just. Kind of gross? But like– in a fun way? You like being the one who has to prepare meat when cooking, descaling fish and stripping rabbits is almost always left for you. Mirabelle would watch sometimes (usually after it stopped moving if you were working with something fresh) and for a while you just thought it was so she had a better visual reference when reading some of the messier scenes in books.
She told you once that there was something nice about seeing a living thing stripped to its core. You think this is similar.
You angle your fingers the same way as the drawings and focus on shaping your craft. Something sharp runs through your whole body before settling into pins and needles tingling where you're working. A few minutes after that it starts feeling too tight before something shifts and you're free to continue, but……
…
Your hands are starting to shake, you’ve done all you can for today.
You fold the page you're on, slide the book across the floor and turn on the faucet. It said the uterus is about the size of a pear so at the rate you're going… It’ll be a few days before you finish yours. Probably another week before you finish crafting the outside too. You rinse your hands under the water and splash some of it on your face. It's pleasantly cool compared to you. You rest your head on the side of the tub while it fills up, listening to the water run.
Things aren't going as fast as you hoped but you don't regret doing it. You haven’t finished crafting away all of what you had before yet, it’s still there, but it's easier to breathe now. You didn't realize how much it used to bother you having it. It's a little embarrassing! You can't help burying your face in the nook of your arm, feeling your lips curl up just thinking about how you'll feel when it's gone.
Stars!
Maybe you should've done this earlier. At least you're doing it now.