Chapter Text
Matt Casey woke up in a strange mood. Well, if he was honest with himself, he knew the reason for his mood … today would have been their 3-year anniversary together … that is if things hadn’t gone to total shit almost 2 years before. He was thankful it was a shift day, otherwise he would have driven himself crazy wallowing in what should have been his life with Kelly Severide.
They had been able to celebrate their one-year anniversary … that was one year not including the time they danced around their feelings, both afraid to be rejected or worse, to lose a friend. No, it was one solid year as an ‘us’. Neither of them ever really talked seriously about ‘coming out.’ They each had a person on their team who knew about their relationship. They each thought they would know when it was time to let others in, but they were content to stay in their own bubble and see where it took them. They did talk about telling Boden but knew they would put him in a tough position since they had not reported their relationship to HR as was required.
Matt shook the memory of their first anniversary … the wonderful dinner, the ride on Kelly’s motorcycle to his favorite ice cream place and the mind-blowing sex as soon as they were back at Matt’s place. He remembered praying that the feeling of being complete would never end. He thought about that night so many times since, it was practically etched in his mind. He often thought if he was given another chance to be with Kelly, he would jump at it. He would forgive everything and ask for forgiveness for everything else. Since Kelly left 51, Matt felt as if he were missing a limb … more than that … he was missing half of himself.
Their relationship initially ended in anger, but after the dust settled, they talked and agreed to be friends. Matt always hoped for more, but the last time he spoke to Kelly, the other man seemed tired and worn down … almost as if he’d given up on himself.
Matt was worried about him. They were at a meeting at headquarters regarding a 4-alarm fire in which both officers were involved. They only spoke briefly but Matt felt in his bones something was off with his friend. He tried to call several days later but only got Kelly’s voice mail. He sent emails and left messages … all went unanswered.
He brought himself back to the present and, as he did most every morning, he prayed Kelly was safe and happy … and if it was meant to be, they would reconnect sometime in the future. He looked at his watch and realized he would be late for shift if he didn’t leave that minute. He grabbed his to-go cup … of course it was the one Kelly gave him. He smiled at the faded picture of a woman’s jean-clad backside and the caption, ‘sexy pants’ … it had been a gift from Shay to Kelly. After Casey lost everything in the apartment fire, Kelly had given it to him.
Captain Matt Casey moved his way through the Friday shift as if it were any other shift. He drove to the firehouse, had another cup of coffee, talked to his men, went to morning brief and then made sure all morning tasks and checklists were completed.
The morning wasn’t too busy … Truck 81 was called out twice … two MVA’s. The work was steady, and he was happy for it. This day carried too much with it. No one else knew why he struggled on that particular Friday, and he would probably never tell anyone. He would keep the reminder of the once happy anniversary close to his heart and try to stay focused on his day. He was just thankful to be on shift with his 51 family and not at home alone.
It was late afternoon when Chief Boden called his truck captain into his office. Casey approached his chief’s office not sure what the meeting was about. “Hey Chief. Everything ok?”
Boden didn’t answer right away. It was obvious he was concerned about something and Casey tried not to worry but instead waited to hear what the older man had to tell him, “Casey, close the door, please. Have a seat.” Boden was standing in front of his desk and motioned for Casey to sit on the small sofa.
The truck captain slowly lowered himself to the edge of the seat. Boden turned one of the chairs in front of his desk and sat to face his captain. He let out a heavy breath and began, “I just came from a manpower meeting at Headquarters. There’s been a lot of turnover in front-line leadership lately and the brass is concerned. Their specific concern seemed to be the loss of several truck lieutenants in the past 9 months. There has been a high number of injuries, transfers and resignations.” Casey listened intently and tried not to jump to conclusions and waited for the chief to get to the point. He seemed to be tap dancing around something, which was mostly out of character for the older man. “Since it was a manpower meeting, we were given reports with details of what districts and houses were most affected by these shifts.”
He hesitated and then asked a question that Matt Casey was definitely not expecting, nor was ready to hear, “I’m sorry to be blunt about this, but did you know that Kelly Severide has been out on medical for almost seven months?”
Casey sat in stunned silence as his world shifted to introspectively remembering the last time he’d spoken to Kelly. Shame washed over him as he finally spoke, “What? He’s been out on medical? Did he get injured? What happened?”
Boden shook his head, “You didn’t know either, huh? What happened to you two?” Casey couldn’t look at his chief as he continued, “You know I’m not one to pry, but I’m concerned about both of you. I don’t know specifically what’s happening with Severide and I didn’t ask in the middle of the meeting. Since it’s something medical, no one could tell me anyway … but I thought you might want to go and check in with him.”
Casey was more than ashamed that he had no idea something happened to Severide. Boden could see the concern and pain in his eyes and spoke softly, “You know … I never really knew why Severide transferred from here. The reason he gave me never made much sense, but I took him at his word that he just wanted a change.” He hesitated and then decided, “I have something to ask you … but I’m asking as your friend, not your chief. Either way you don’t have to answer … but if what I think happened was correct … I want to be there for you too, ok?”
Casey nodded but didn’t say anything. The chief continued, “I always thought there was more to your relationship with Severide than just friends or colleagues.” He knew he didn’t need to say anything further. If Casey wanted to talk, he was giving him the opportunity to share as much as he wanted or nothing at all.
Casey blew out a breath, “Yeah, there was. We had been together … in a relationship … for more than a year … we talked about telling you … but we didn’t want to put you in a position of having to tell HR.”
Boden nodded, “I understand.” Then he asked, “Can you tell me why he really left 51?”
Casey sighed, “I can tell you what he told me … but I never felt like I knew the real reason either. That’s partly why we split up.” He paused trying to figure out how much to tell Boden, “Kelly told me that he was transferring because if our relationship came to light, one of us would have to transfer anyway. He said he didn’t want any kind of scandal to hurt my chances of promotion.”
Boden asked, “You don’t think that was the real reason?”
Matt shook his head, “No … at least not all of it. Right before things went to crap between us, Kelly had been out running and he was attacked … roughed up pretty good. He never reported it to CPD and said it was just some kids trying to score points with the gangs or something. After that, he started to pull away from me.”
Boden asked what Matt had always wondered, “Do you think he was threatened?”
Casey shrugged, “That was my first thought, yeah. Kelly never said anything more about it and he only said he was transferring to protect me from a potential scandal.”
Boden then added, “I don’t think I’ve seen or talked to him in more than a year. I’ve called a couple of times … but I can’t say I put a lot of effort into reaching out to him.” He was obviously disappointed with himself.
Casey shook his head, “When you said he’s been out for almost seven months, I thought about the last time I spoke with him … and it was about nine months ago. We were at a whiteboard session at headquarters … that big warehouse fire last year…” Boden nodded in understanding. “… we didn’t talk much, but he didn’t look good. He seemed tired and worn down … almost as if he’d …” He couldn’t bring himself to say out loud what he really thought, “… he just didn’t look like himself.”
Boden contemplated what to say next and then offered, “I’m worried about him. The manpower reports we were given at the meeting, showed a breakdown of reasons the various officers were not on duty. And while it indicated that the Truck 92 lieutenant was out on medical, it listed other officers out due to injury. I don’t think whoever put those reports together intended to make that distinction, but Truck 92 was the only one that said, ‘medical’ and not ‘injury’ or ‘line of duty injury’.” He paused before he concluded, “I think he might be sick.”
Casey asked, “Are you sure he didn’t move from Truck 92 to a Squad somewhere?”
Boden replied quickly, “No … I would know that. He was still the Truck 92 lieutenant. Do you know where he lives? Can you go see him or are things still strained between you two?”
Casey shrugged, “Things aren’t strained … they aren’t really anything to be honest. The last real conversation we had, we mostly agreed just to be friends. I think we both might have wanted more, but the pain was still too fresh at that time. I’ll go and see him. I would call, but he doesn’t tend to answer or return my calls.”
Boden nodded, “I’ll let you go and talk to him, before I do. Will you let me know what’s going on with him when you see him?” Then he clarified, “Just as a friend, not in any official capacity …”
Casey smiled a little, “I think I can do that, Wallace.” Casey smiled at his ‘friend.’
After leaving the chief’s office, Casey decided to call Severide even though he knew it was a futile effort. As he expected, the call went to his voicemail and Casey decided not to leave a message.
The rest of the shift dragged and while there were not any late-night calls, the truck captain still got very little sleep. He was worried about his friend … the man he still loved. Shift change couldn’t get there fast enough, but as soon as the relief crew was there, Casey was out the door. He just wanted to get to Kelly’s. He knew at that time of morning it would take him at least an hour to navigate the morning traffic. Saturday traffic was only slightly better than a weekday with the never-ending construction.
He had only been to Kelly’s apartment once before. He visited a few months after Severide transferred to a truck company in South Chicago. He was missing him, so he made up some excuse about bringing him some things he left at his place. He remembered Severide had a nice apartment … new … but small. He knew Kelly never really cared about where he lived … amenities and such. As long as he had a bedroom, bathroom, decent water pressure and good heat and air, he was happy. He could care less about granite counter tops or closet space. The apartment was on the third floor and there was no elevator. Casey had commented about the climb at that one and only visit but Kelly shrugged it off saying, ‘if I can’t climb to the third floor, I have no business being a firefighter, huh?’ Casey couldn’t really argue with that.
When Matt reached apartment 309, he paused before knocking. It was just about 9:30am and he only hoped he wasn’t waking him up. He knew Kelly never slept late, but if he was sick, he might sleep more. After running through every scenario in his head again of what could possibly be wrong with his friend, he took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
After knocking three times, he heard what sounded like vomiting. Casey remembered the bathroom in the small apartment was not far from the front door and hated that his friend was going through any illness by himself. He waited for the sound of the retching to stop and after hearing the toilet flush, he waited another couple of minutes before knocking again. He heard what sounded like socked covered feet shuffling across the floor. Then he heard a very faint, “hang on …” then a long pause and a heavy sigh. Casey guessed he must have looked through the peephole, so he knew who was on the other side of the door.
Casey held his breath as he waited for his friend to decide whether he was going to open the door. After a long minute the door finally opened and a very thin, sickly-looking Kelly Severide said in a soft, gravelly voice, “Casey …”
Matt tried not to look too shocked at the other man’s appearance, but no one was that good of an actor. His eyes traveled up and down the tired and gaunt looking man in front of him. Even though he was wearing long sleeves and a bulky sweatshirt, his drawn, hairless face and the beanie that covered an obviously bald head, told Casey everything he needed to know ...
… Cancer.