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Love, You're Not Alone ('Cause I'm Gonna Stand By You)
"Where's Chris?" Buck asks as he spins his keys around on his finger.
Eddie can't help the positively giddy feeling that starts in his gut and moves up through his chest to settle behind his ribs. "Christopher is having some horror game night thing with Denny," Eddie tells Buck as he leans against the side of the truck, fingers drumming on the roof. "I think Denny was kinda worried he'd get stuck in a house full of preteen girls for the night."
Buck chuckles and the low-grade anxiety that Eddie had been feeling for the latter half of the afternoon starts to burn away. He waits as Buck unlocks the car and climbs in behind the steering wheel before slipping into the passenger seat beside him.
"More like potentially worried he's going to end up as the older boy crush for one of Mara's friends." Buck says with a sly grin.
Eddie grimaces through his own laughter. "Not sure Chris is gonna be enough of a buffer for that if it happens. If a preteen's gonna crush, they're gonna crush; shield friend or not."
Buck starts the car and begins the process of finagling his way out of Hen's street. Eddie notices that the Wilson house is obviously not the only house in the street with something to celebrate today. He keeps a sharp eye out as Buck takes it easy down the block, watching for kids or toys coming out from between blind spots or even adults who've had a bit too much to drink, so as not to cause an accident or accidentally ding any of the cars parked along the curb.
Once they've turned the corner, Eddie can see that Buck isn't as worried about navigating a packed and busy street; he notices when Buck's shoulders relax a little and he casts a quick look at Eddie before his eyes are back on the road in front of them. "Is that what happened to you? You used a friend as a human shield to keep your sister's friends at bay?"
The laugh that bubbles up and out of Eddie's chest to fill the cabin of the truck is deep, and it makes Eddie feel—for the first time since getting the all-clear from the doctors after getting stabbed—genuinely delighted.
"Uh, yeah." He says, and he can feel the tips of his ears turning warm with blood. "Sophia had this friend, Jessica, who apparently had a crush on me," Eddie shakes his head, looking down at his lap. "Didn't find out until after I'd started seeing Shannon. Soph got so mad at me, like it was my fault for not knowing this girl five years younger than me was planning our wedding."
Buck's laugh eases some of the humiliation Eddie feels at the confession, and he sinks back into the seat, enjoying the late afternoon sunshine through the windows of the car.
"Should I be worried about competition?" Buck teases lightly as he makes a turn that will take them both to his place, rather than Eddie's.
"Uh, definitely not," Eddie reassures, moving his hand across the center console of the car to rest on Buck's forearm, giving it a light squeeze. "Last I heard, she'd grown up and moved to Iowa, following some guy. Besides, she's missing a few fundamental qualities that I definitely need for a successful relationship."
"Oh?" Buck asks as they pull up to a red light.
"Mmhm," Eddie hums, even as he casts a furtive glance at the traffic around them. Quickly, he unbuckles his belt and leans across the console to press a smacking kiss to Buck's cheek. He drags his mouth across Buck's cheek, his lips tingling at the rough scrape of Buck's five-o'clock-shadow. "If you get us home in the next fifteen minutes, I'll be more than happy to give you a full demonstration of said qualities," he whispers before nipping at Buck's earlobe and sitting back in his seat.
"Uh," Buck clears his throat and blinks. "Um—."
A horn blasts from behind them; it makes Eddie giggle, and, if the way Buck's jaw snaps closed and his back snaps to attention, it forces the other man to turn his full attention back to the road.
"Belt, Eddie." Buck says without taking his eyes from the road in front of them and moving across the intersection.
Eddie hurries to re-buckle his belt, and not a moment too soon, because as soon as Buck's cleared the intersection, the truck accelerates and Eddie can't help but throw his head back and laugh, even as Buck grumbles and casts him a truly ridiculous glare.
They are lying in Buck's bed, sheets tangled around their entwined legs as the early evening twilight starts to leave lengthening shadows on the wall opposite them. Quiet curls through the house and settles in the bedroom, which isn't unusual when they're taking advantage of Buck's child-free house, but the weight of this particular quiet is heavy and awkward and it makes worry unfurl in Eddie's gut.
Eddie tilts his head until he can press his lips into Buck's curls, his fingers drawing lazy circles across the breadth of the other man's shoulders where he rests with his head on Eddie's chest.
"You okay?" Eddie asks gently.
What he really wants to ask, is if they are okay. If Eddie has done or said something to make it feel like Buck's withdrawing, because quiet like this—even if it feels suffocating—leaves room for Eddie's doubt to come creeping in slowly.
Eddie can feel the drag of Buck's cheek against his chest when he nods; the movement stills the doubt for a moment, makes it hesitate, and Eddie holds his breath as he waits Buck out.
"Yeah," Buck says eventually. "Just, uh… just thinking about… about some things."
Eddie chuckles a little. "I wondered what that burning smell was," he teases softly. "Was going to suggest we go and tell your neighbors to stop burning plastic and to call 9-1-1."
Buck tilts his head down until he can nip at the flesh of Eddie's chest. "You're hilarious."
"Ah!" Eddie flinches, but doesn't do anything to shove Buck away. His chuckles turn to laughter as he tugs at Buck's hair. "Dick!"
Eddie waits a beat, hoping that Buck will say more. Fear begins to curl it's fingers around his chest and as he opens his mouth to ask just what it is that Buck's been thinking, Eddie's beaten to the punch.
"I'm thirty-four, and what do I have to show for it?" Buck's voice is rough and Eddie thinks it could be a result of the hurried blowjob Buck had given Eddie as they rushed inside, but he knows that there's more to it than just that.
Buck shrugs after a moment and carries on. "Everyone's married or got kids or is doing something, and I'm just…" he trails off and Eddie can feel the brush of fingertips against his sternum when Buck scrubs a hand across his face in frustration.
"Is this about what Harry said earlier, at the party?" Eddie asks, and he nudges Buck until they're both sitting up, sheets pooling around their waists.
"What did Harry say at the party?" Buck asks, feigning nonchalance but Eddie can see the pale pink flush working its way across his cheeks.
Eddie sighs and wraps a large hand around the back of Buck's neck, giving him a quick, sharp shake. "I'm not deaf, Buck. Just because I was joking around with Chris, doesn't mean I wasn't very aware of what you were doing, or who you were talking to…" It's Eddie's turn to blush at that particular admission, and he gives Buck a sheepish little smile.
"Oh," Buck says, and Eddie watches as the idiot starts to preen and look smug. "You, uh, you notice me?"
Eddie rolls his eyes and huffs as he teases, "how could I not? Big ol' head like that is bound to be visible from space… Hey! We should ask Athena and Hen if they could see it while they were up there."
Their laughter floods the room, and Eddie can feel some of the weight disappear as they wrestle and shove at each other, calling each other out for their egos. It's only when Eddie is precariously close to being dumped off the edge of the bed and onto the hardwood floor, does he call an end to the playfulness. Using all the muay thai skills in his arsenal, Eddie manages to wrap his legs around Buck's hips and flip the other man onto his back in the middle of the bed.
"Not fair," Buck gasps even as he pouts up at Eddie, his blue eyes sparkling.
Eddie shrugs. "What does Chris say? Sounds more like a skill issue than being not fair?" He can feel the smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth as he props himself upright, still in Buck's lap.
From this vantage point, looking down at Buck, Eddie can see the disappointment still lingering at the edge's of Buck's expression. They've had similar conversations, notably following visits from the Buckley parents, where Buck doubts that the life he lives is full and rich because it doesn't adhere to someone else's idea of what success looks like. Normally, Eddie's able to talk him through it with a few thinly veiled insults at the kind of life Margaret and Phillip Buckley have led, compared to Buck's life of adventure and joy, but he's not sure that that particular tactic will work this time.
Instead, he lifts a hand to cup Buck's cheek, his thumb sweeping across the delicate skin under his eye. "I love Harry like a kid brother," Eddie tells him. "But he's wrong."
"Eddie…" Buck says, his hand flying up to grip Eddie's wrist.
"Nope." Eddie shakes his head before letting himself curl forward until he can rest his forehead against Buck's. "I will die on this hill, Buck. You have a kid, he's 15 and churlish and smart and a giant pain in the ass when he wants to be—he gets that from you, I'm sure." Eddie tilts his head and presses his lips against Buck's in a swift kiss.
"And you are definitely not single, and that is something I plan on rectifying with the entire 118 in the morning." Eddie shifts slightly on Buck's lap and swallows back the laughter when a low-pitched whine slips past Buck's lips. "You have a family who loves you enough to never give up, and you know that, so… what's this really about?"
Buck taps Eddie's thigh and shifts; the movement makes Eddie frown, but he follows Buck's hinting until Buck's sitting back up against the headboard and Eddie's kneeling at his side, on the mattress.
"I, uh…" Buck says, and he sounds torn, Eddie realizes.
He frowns as Buck's head falls back until the other man is staring at the ceiling, blinking rapidly.
"Buck?" Eddie says, and just like that, the anxiety, worry, and fear are all tumbling back through Eddie's gut and chest. "You're startin' to scare me, bud."
"I heard from Diedre." Buck says finally, although it sounds—to Eddie's ears—more like Buck's expelling it, than saying it.
"Oh," Eddie says, sinking back a little. He reaches out and curls a hand around Buck's knee. "Did they manage to find Connor and Kameron's families?"
He knows that it's something Buck's been worried about for the last month or so… since the accident… since Diedre had collected Theo from the hospital and arranged to place him in emergency care. He also knows that the funeral for Kameron and Connor had been small and the only family that had been in attendance had been some people who had claimed they were Connor's cousins, and Kameron's estranged, older brother. Eddie remembers that Buck had been even more despondent when he'd returned home from the service, because he'd inquired after Theo with said family and they'd all been unable to tell him much of anything, except that it was unlikely for the child to end up in the care of relatives.
Buck nods slowly. "Yeah. Yep… yes."
Eddie feels his heart sink a little for Buck, for the friends that he's lost… for Theo. "That's… that's great! Isn't… isn't it great?" He asks, trying to pull whatever it is that Buck's turning over and over in his head, out into the open space of the bedroom so they can examine it together.
"Connor's parents are still M-I-A, I, uh, I think Connor said something about them living some kind of nomad lifestyle now that he had a family of his own." Buck tells Eddie slowly. "And Kameron's mom passed away about ten months ago from a heart attack."
"Shit," Eddie breaths out slowly, his hand tightening around Buck's knee and squeezing. "What about the older brother? You said you met at the funeral?"
"I think Diedre's exact words were, 'I'd rather leave Theo with wolves.'" Buck looks at Eddie with wide eyes. "Outside of that, he already said at the funeral he wouldn't be accepting the care of Theo."
"Fuck," Eddie lets go of Buck's knee and leans forward until he can wrap his arms around Buck's shoulders in a tight hug. "I'm so, so sorry, Buck. Did she say what happens next?"
He can feel Buck nod against his shoulder, but when he doesn't offer up anything else, Eddie shifts until he can curl his body around Buck like some oversized koala and card his fingers through the man's hair.
Eddie's not naive, is the thing. He's a first responder, he knows that not every foster family is like Hen and Karen, but surely a great kid like Theo… a shuddering sigh moves through Buck pulling Eddie's attention back to the man in his arms. There's the rumble of Buck's voice against Eddie's shoulder, and Eddie's brow furrows.
"You wanna try that again, bud?" Eddie asks before pressing his lips to Buck's crown.
Buck tilts his head to the side and Eddie has to quickly pull his own back or run the risk of getting an accidental head-butt.
"Diedre said, uh…" Buck's voice sounds so small, and in this moment, Eddie hates Diedre. Doesn't matter that he doesn't know what she said or didn't say, it only matters that whatever it was, it hurt Buck.
Eddie can hear the clicking in Buck's throat as he swallows and tries again.
"She said, uh, that Theo was gonna move into a, uh, group… group home situation until they can find the… the right family."
Eddie can feel the headache forming where his brow is furrowed. "What does that mean? I thought they'd placed him with a family like Hen and Karen?"
Buck shrugs and pulls back away from Eddie. "Uh, Diedre said that they'd, uh, run out of temporary placements, and the last one hadn't had th-the time to, uh, dedicate to his needs?"
A red haze seems to trickle in around the edges of Eddie's mind, and he blinks steadily at Buck. "I'm sorry… what?"
Buck won't meet Eddie's gaze, instead, he delivers the rest of Diedre's information to the tangled sheets. "I think they just meant, it was difficult getting him in to see the therapist, between all the other kids they had."
Frustration begins to bubble away in the pit of Eddie's gut and he has to consciously tell himself not to grind his teeth. They have both heard enough horror stories from Hen and Karen about fosters who, when they deem a kid to be too much, send them back into the heart of the system like they're returning a defective appliance and—. He slams the brakes on that line of thought because it can't possibly lead anywhere good, or productive, and Buck needs him in this moment to be…
"Jesus, Buck. I-I'm…" Eddie blinks and fumbles in the sheets until he can grip Buck's hand, squeezing it tightly.
"Yeah, me too." Buck says gently with an answering squeeze of his own.
They sit in silence, and Eddie can feel the gravity of Theo's situation settling over them like a dark cloud. He wonders if Hen and Karen could speak to Diedre, maybe even Maddie and Chim, they had, after all, been an emergency foster for Mara.
The suggestion is sitting on the tip of Eddie's tongue, ready to fall into the space between him and Buck when Buck takes a deep shuddering breath.
"I, uh, I met with Diedre this morning, b-before the party," he says, the words coming out haltingly.
Eddie sits up straighter. "Oh?"
"Mmm," Buck hums in response and Eddie follows the direction of his gaze back down to where they're holding hands.
Buck's grip is sure and steady, and his thumb is drawing lazy circles across the back of Eddie's hand. Eddie wonders if Buck had asked Diedre about Maddie and Chim, or even Hen and Karen… the thought of them being on the same page about this makes him smile and the warm feeling in his chest, which appears to be tied directly to Buck and making him happy, surges.
"What, um, what did you two talk about?" Eddie gives Buck's hand a little shake.
"The emergency foster care situation. Theo's… Diedre mentioned that he's been having nightmares, getting angry, and I mean, who can blame him, Eddie? He was in the car when it flipped, when Connor and Kam…" Buck stops himself and sniffles.
"Hey, hey," Eddie pulls Buck in close, his arms curling around broad shoulders as Buck tries not to cry. "It'd be weird if he wasn't going through any of that stuff, you know that," he murmurs into Buck's curls. "We've been through this before, with Christopher, remember after Shannon, and the tsunami…" Eddie purposefully leaves out the time in the lead-up to his temporary reassignment to dispatch.
Eddie can feel Buck nod as the tremors slowly subside. He bites back a grumble as Buck extracts himself from Eddie's embrace, brushing his tears away.
"I-I remember," he says, and Eddie fights the urge to reach up and tug Buck's lip out from between his teeth.
"Right," Eddie nods, "So, you spoke to Diedre about the emergency foster care situation, did she—."
"I'm going to do it." Buck cuts Eddie off.
Eddie blinks, not entirely certain he's fully understanding what, exactly, it is that Buck is saying. "Going to…" He prods gently, taking in the way that Buck's shoulders have tightened and his chin has tilted.
Buck takes a deep breath and Eddie recognizes it as something Buck does when he needs to steady himself, when he feels like he's about to head into a battle of some kind.
"I'm going to be Theo's emergency foster." Buck says, and Eddie can hear the determination in his tone. It warms Eddie to the core, and he cannot stop the grin that pulls at the corners of his mouth.
"Buck, that's… that's incredible!" Eddie launches himself at Buck, his arms wrapping around him once more to squeeze him tightly, and hopefully ease some of the tension that's lingering in the other man's posture. "I was going to suggest Hen and Karen, maybe even Maddie and Chim, but… you! That's amazing, Buck!"
And it is, at least in Eddie's mind. He'd originally thought maybe the Wilsons or the Hans, simply because it would have meant that Buck would worry less, knowing that Theo was being loved and cared for by people he trusted would have the kid's best interest at heart.
He feels a huff of warm air against the side of his neck and Eddie pulls back to check on Buck. "You okay?"
"Are you sure it's a great idea?" Buck asks, and Eddie watches the worry and distress come back in real-time. Watches the anxiety, at this huge step, bleed into the way Buck can't quite meet his gaze and the way he plucks at invisible lint on the sheets.
"Are you kidding me?" Eddie reaches out and cups Buck's face in his hands, his thumbs stroking along the edge of his five-o'clock-shadow. "Buck, this is an amazing thing you're doing. Don't ever doubt that."
There's a lop-sided smile on Buck's face and Eddie wishes he could wipe it away, but before he can say anything else, Buck shrugs.
"You, uh, don't think I'm being selfish? Re-remember that whole thing with the beagle, Bingo?"
"I think," Eddie says slowly, moving and manhandling Buck until they're lying back down, Buck tucked into Eddie's side. "I think this is the least selfish thing I've seen you do. I know you, Buck. I know that if Connor's parents showed up tomorrow and said they were going to do the right thing by Theo and take him in, you'd step aside graciously; your hands in the air."
There's a shuddering exhale of warm air against Eddie's sternum and he can feel the way Buck trembles beneath his palms as he soothes them across the expanse of Buck's shoulders.
"It would kill you to do it," Eddie whispers, "but you'd do it, because you know that's what Theo needs."
"Eddie," Buck's voice is husky with emotion and Eddie tilts his head down to press a lingering kiss into Buck's curls.
"That's why you being the foster is the only answer," Eddie continues like Buck wasn't just about to say something. Something that would have sounded too much like Margaret or Phillip. "It hasn't worked out with those other families because no one understands Theo or what he's going through."
Silence descends on the room then, and Eddie thinks about all the times Buck has already proved what an amazing parent he is, and how Buck knew when Theo was barely six months old that sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone you love with your whole chest, is to take yourself out of the equation. He feels Buck shift against him and tightens his hold to keep Buck in place.
"When you think about it," Eddie says carefully, "you've been there for Theo at every major point in his life… You are part of the reason he exists, you were there to safely bring him into this world, you were the one to get him to safety the day you rescued him from the power station, you were the one who held him and made sure he was safe the day of the accident."
Eddie chuckles before continuing. "You know, for someone who believes in signs and fate and the universe, it feels like you're being deliberately obtuse about this whole thing."
Buck laughs and pokes Eddie in the side. "Not obtuse, just… uh, scared."
"Scared is good, Buck." Eddie tells him. "Everyone should be scared, or nervous, or anxious when they're about to become responsible for a tiny human life… Especially one that seems to have inherited your penchant for chaos." Eddie lets it sink in for a moment before he continues. "The trick is to make sure you aren't alone, that you have support, so the fear doesn't eat you alive."
"That's just it," Buck sounds so small when he finally speaks, that Eddie's heart aches. "What if everyone else thinks this is not a good idea."
"Fuck them." Eddie says bluntly. "You'll have me, and Chris, and Pepa by your side no matter what, you know that. And there is no universe where the rest of our family—Hen, Karen, Chim, Maddie, Athena—doesn't have your back in this."
Eddie can feel some of the tension leave Buck's shoulders as he, no doubt, processes all that Eddie's said. As they've talked, the twilight hour has shifted to early evening and Eddie knows that they should probably look at ordering dinner at some point or getting up and making something, but for right now, he is more than content to lay in bed and ensure that Buck's doubts about fostering Theo are beaten back.
"What about—."
Eddie cuts Buck off. "If the next words out of your mouth are 'my parents'… Buck, do you really care what Margaret and Phillip Buckley have to say about you being a foster carer?"
Buck hasn't mentioned it since before Nashville, but Eddie knows that it eats at him—the knowledge that when Buck—and Maddie—needed them most, they were nowhere to be found. If Eddie had his way, Buck would never mention the Buckley parents ever again.
"I don't want Diedre calling them and then them having the opportunity to… to derail this." Buck says quietly. "I just… I remember that last dinner with Connor and Kameron, and how when they'd left I felt like in, uh, in helping them, I'd ruined this opportunity for them, and I couldn't help but feel like I felt every time I'd disappointed my parents."
And there it is, Eddie thinks to himself. This is less about if their family will be supportive of Buck in this endeavor, and more about what the Buckleys will think.
"Why do you want to foster Theo?" Eddie asks, shimmying down in the bed and forcing Buck onto his side so that they're looking each other in the eyes. "Forget about what your parents will think, what the rest of us will think. Forget about your connection with Connor and Kameron, and the fact that you share DNA with him… why do you want to foster Theo?"
Eddie watches as Buck's eyes widen at the question—although, if it's the question itself, or the conditions Eddie's set down in order to answer the question, he can't be too sure. Eddie bites the inside of his cheek as he sees the flash of recognition in Buck's eyes.
"Because I know what it's like to feel unwanted." Buck says and Eddie watches as a light pink flush works its way across his cheeks. "I know what it's like to-to feel like I'm too much, o-or exhausting, and Theo shouldn't… he shouldn't feel like that, ever. No kid should."
Eddie nods slowly, encouraging Buck to continue with a little wave of his hand.
"I know that Connor and Kameron loved him, they would have given him the world, and maybe… maybe I can do that for a while, until Connor's parents are located, or… or another relative, you know?"
Eddie beams at Buck. "And that's what you should tell Diedre. Hell, it's what I'm gonna tell Diedre when she inevitably interviews me about your suitability as a foster."
"Yeah?"
"Yep." Eddie leans forward and gives Buck a quick peck on the tip of his nose. "There's no one better to watch over Theo, than you, and I know Connor and Kameron would be thinking the same."
"So.." Buck says slowly, and Eddie feels a little giddy at the shy smile that is slowly curling across Buck's face.
"So." Eddie grins as the smile on Buck's face settles and becomes sure.
"I guess… I'm gonna foster Theo… or at least, you know, apply to foster Theo." Buck nods definitively. "It, uh, it means some things might, uh, have to change a little?" Buck quirks an eyebrow and angles his head toward the very open bedroom door and the trail of clothes littered between the hallway and the edge of the bed.
Eddie laughs and tugs Buck closer. "I can live with closed and locked doors, Buck, and I promise, even if I can't keep my hands off you, I can restrain myself until we're in private," he teases.
Buck's laughter is breathy and still just a little on edge as he leans in to nudge his nose against Eddie's. "And it doesn't, uh, doesn't upset you… that I'll have a kid to think about… another kid to think about?"
"Nah," Eddie says, and he slides a hand from Buck's wrist, all the way up his arm until he can cup Buck's neck. "I love kids."