Chapter Text
It was the first three chords that got his attention and that was saying a lot considering he wasn't someone who paid much attention to music on a general basis. Sure, he liked what he liked, usually bands from the early 2000’s which he grew up listening to, but normally whatever was on the radio was just white noise, as good a companion on his work route as anything else. But that song in particular was different, it reminded him of something, it evoked some kind of emotion he couldn't even describe.
It was such an odd feeling that he barely noticed his hand gripping tighter on the steering wheel, while his free hand reached to crank up the sound a notch. That's when the voice filled up the air and the familiarity of it all only seemed to increase, causing a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't understand the words, the language not quite clear to him, but still, he could've sworn that he had heard it all before.
By the time he parked the car, the song was almost done, the familiar riffs from the beginning coming back to close the whole thing off in a grant finale. He frowned, eyes blinking at the screen where nothing but the name of the radio was displayed. He felt odd, slightly out of himself and desperate to understand what-
“Hollander!”
“Jesus Christ,” his grip on the steering wheel was almost painful as the voice caused his whole body to shriek, a rush of adrenaline washing over him. “What the fuck?”
“Sorry,” Hayden's lips turned into an apologetic smile. “Didn't mean to scare you, buddy, but you're being summoned by the boss.”
“I just got here,” he said matter of factly as Hayden shrugged.
“Man said to get Shane Hollander to his office the minute he arrived. Probably wants to make sure the players are all good for tomorrow's game.”
Shane, who had been collecting his belongings while Hayden spoke, got out of the car with a sigh. The song was still replaying itself in his head and he just knew he wouldn't be able to think of anything else -not thoroughly at least- until he figured out who it belonged to and why it felt familiar to him.
“You're spacing out again, buddy.”
“Fuck off, Hayden.”
“Okay, bad day for Shane Hollander, got it.”
“It's not that, I'm just-” he sighed and quickly shook his head. “Sorry, I just have a lot in my mind.”
“Anything I can help with?”
“Don't think so,” he said as he followed Hayden inside the building, the gigantic logo of the Montreal Voyagers painted on the wall across from him. Shane had been the head of the Voyagers physical therapy clinic for the past year after almost two years working as an assistant and one as a trainee. He loved his job, it was what he had always dreamt of doing and he surely did not take anything for granted, even if sometimes he felt like screaming. Some players could be incredibly stubborn and the coaches were not far off either.
He stopped by his clinic, dropping off his belongings before he headed towards the main office, Hayden still following him like a little lost puppy. They had known each other since university, had similar degrees and managed to both get a job at the same place, which was good because Shane could have someone he relied on by his side when things got too much.
“...and this is where I leave you,” Hayden said all of a sudden and Shane cocked an eyebrow in confusion. “He asked for you only.”
“And you came all the way here for…?”
“Seemed like you needed the support,” he shrugged, which brought out a small but honest laugh from Shane. “I'll be back at the office if you need me, Doctor Hollander.”
Shane rolled his eyes, watched his friend walk away and then knocked gently on the door. Once inside, he did the usual routine, shook hands with the coach and the general manager, let them in on all the players' updates, shared his concerns about any injuries and eventually cleared out who could be playing in the next match. Nothing unusual, nothing to leave him too worried about, nothing difficult enough to keep his mind away from the annoying sensation that song had left.
Back to his office, Shane rearranged his desk, turned on his computer and started to go through his step by step plan for the day. It was Friday and without a game that day, things were to be pretty calm, but he still had players to check on, exercises to apply and one very long medical result to go through that could be extremely important for one of the player's career and the team's season. Before he could start any work though, his phone started to vibrate on the table and he quickly reached for it.
<rose> clear ur schedule
i got us three tickets for a concert tonight
and I'm not taking no for an answer
<shane> what concert? where?
<rose> rock concert at the arena
u will like it
<shane> doubt it
but fine
i will go
<rose> that was easy 😮
tell hayden
i will pick you up at seven
Shane set the phone down and looked back to the screen of his computer. He considered searching about the song he had heard earlier, he knew there were apps that could help him figure that out, or even maybe try to dig for it through the radio’s social media, but quickly pushed that thought back. He had work to do and that should be what he focused on.
🎸
“How did you get tickets for this show anyway?” asked Shane, who was sitting on the passenger’s seat of Rose's car, phone in hand as he scrolled through his very dull -and almost never updated- Instagram. He has lost count of how many times Rose had bugged him about being more active, posting more even if it was about his job, but it simply wasn't something Shane felt like doing. Privacy was important to him.
“A friend that used to work for the magazine is working on the production of the show and had some extra tickets.”
As Rose turned a corner, the arena appeared in the distance and a crowd materialized itself in front of them. Women and men, most dressed in black and all incredibly stylish, gathered in the street, some were singing, some were just talking, and most of them carried posters and albums. Shane felt even more out of place as he scanned the crowd; those people were passionate fans and he didn't even know the name of the band they were seeing
Once Rose managed to park the car, the three of them quickly got out, heading to one of the back doors, where a security guard stood. Apparently Rose's friend had done more than just hook her up with tickets, because the second she told her name to the man, they were granted early access to the arena and escorted to a VIP section right at the front of the stage.
It was nice, the chairs were comfortable and the bar had a surprisingly vast list of drinks. Rose and Hayden each grabbed a gin and tonic, while Shane resorted to his usual ginger ale before they took their seats. They talked through the music that played on the speakers, watched as the roadies prepared the stage and watched as the main doors opened to a screaming hoard of eager fans.
Shane kind of envied their excitement. He had his favorite musicians, he had actors that he liked to watch the movies more than others, but he couldn't remember a time that he was ever a fan of something so passionately. Well, at least nothing that wasn't related to hockey, because then he knew the stats, he knew all the important names and dates. Hockey was his one true passion.
As one of the girls behind them gasped at something she saw on stage, Shane quickly turned his gaze in the same direction, watching in complete silence as a seven feet high poster suddenly took over the back of the stage. The man on the poster had curly dirty blond hair, his blue eyes were sharp and intense, he had a mole on his left cheek and wore an all black outfit, the shirt with its sleeves cut off to show his toned and tanned arms as he held a guitar.
Shane didn't speak, he barely blinked as he stared at the poster and felt his whole body react. He mumbled something to himself as realization hit him, the image in front of him bringing back memories he did not expect.
“God, these people really love him,” Hayden said as the cheers got louder.
“Apparently he's very good and people are saying he'll be the next big deal,” Rose shouted through the music and the screaming crowd. “He's playing on every radio and social media loves him.”
“Wonder why,” Hayden chuckled as he nodded towards the crowd. “Shane? Are you alright?”
Shane allowed himself to look at his friend and only then realized that he had been hearing them, but had not engaged in conversation for a while. He forced a smile and nodded his head, even if his heart was thumping inside his chest.
“I'll go grab something a bit stronger,” he said, earning a confused look from both his friends. “Might as well enjoy the night, right?”
He left before they could say anything and quickly made his way to the bar, ordering himself a beer. He wondered if it was too late to leave, but knew that if he did that, Hayden and Rose would never let him hear the end of it. So he grabbed his beer, took a few long sips of it and tried his best to look normal as he made his way back to his friends.
And then, just as he reached them, the lights went out and the same riff from that morning started playing. Through the screaming crowd, Shane repeated every note in his head and suddenly it all made sense. Suddenly he could hear those same riffs coming out of an old guitar, echoing through his childhood bedroom as he sat on the floor. Suddenly Shane was sixteen again and he could hear the voice perfectly clear.
I wrote a song and I want you to hear it, da?
C'mon, Hollander, tell me what you think?
I'm gonna be a rockstar one day.
Shane blinked a couple of times, then forced his gaze up just in time to see the face he had not seen in years appear right in front of him.
"...but sometimes I feel
That we could be
The best for both of us…”
The crowd sang along, they screamed, danced and jumped. On either side of Shane, Rose and Hayden nodded along to the rhythm of the drum, but Shane could do nothing but stand still, staring at those eyes that had once been a constant in his life.
“...if not now
Maybe later, I don't care
For you
I can wait…”
As the chorus came along, the man dropped the guitar and took the microphone with him as he moved around. He had the same energy, the same confidence and the same fire. He had the crowd wrapped around his finger, following every command, singing along to every word and shouting praise.
“...and if in the next second
everything ends, then I
I won't be able to escape…”
As the bridge of the song came along, Shane was already feeling overwhelmed and in his brain there were two voices fighting to be heard. One wanted to get the hell out of there, the other was feeding him all those memories that he simply couldn't push back. Not anymore, not when the man kneeled down on the edge of the stage and found him in the crowd, their eyes locked for a good minute. Shane's whole body was suddenly covered in shivers and for one brief second his mind went completely blank. It was the wink that he directed at him, paired with that crooked smile he had once been so used to, that broke the spell.
Holy fucking shit, Ilya Rozanov was standing in front of him again. After years of silence, Ilya was on a stage in Montreal, performing for a crowd of 5 thousand people and he, Shane Hollander, happened to be one of them.
“Umm, Shane,” Hayden's voice was filled with confusion. “Did he just point at you?”
“Shane?”
🎸
Shane should've said no.
The moment the security guard approached them to say they had been invited backstage he should have declined politely, turned on his heels and headed out of the arena. Hayden and Rose would have a thousand different questions about why he did it, but he could deal with that, he would be answering questions either way. Instead, the second he saw the excitement in their eyes, Shane agreed to it and in a matter of seconds they were being led down a large and bright corridor, not much different from the ones he walked through every single day at the Voyagers.
The difference was that he never felt nauseous whenever he walked those corridors, there he was at home. Here, surrounded by posters of artists that had previously played in the arena, Shane felt his stomach curl up with each step he took, the unsureness of what was about to happen sending his anxiety through the roof. It had been years since he last saw Ilya and throughout all those years they had not shared a single word nor a text. So it was a bit hard for Shane to even fathom that he was about to be face to face with his childhood friend again, a friend who had simply disappeared one day without an explanation or a goodbye.
Oh dear, I'm sorry, but Ilya is gone.
…Ilya is gone…
Those words had repeated themselves in his brain over and over again for months, only going away when Shane forced himself to forget Ilya and everything that involved him. But as he walked down that corridor, he could almost hear the soft cadence of Ilya's aunt's voice, the sadness in which she said those words to a Shane that was so eager to finally open up. That day was supposed to change everything for them, it was supposed to be the best day of his life, but all he was left with was pain and resentment. Resentment which was starting to build up again.
“... I just can't believe you, out of all people, knows a rockstar,” Rose's voice brought Shane back to reality and as they came to a stop in front of the door, Shane felt his heart pounding so hard he thought it was about to come out through his mouth. “Are you even gonna tell us exactly how do you-”
The door swung open and Shane's stomach dropped, because in front of him, standing in all his half naked glory, was Ilya Rozanov. His blue eyes still had that same glow to them, the curls -messy after a show of almost two hours- were clinging to his sweaty forehead and his beaming smile was still as earth shattering to Shane as it was when they were only teenagers.
“Shane fucking Hollander,” Ilya's voice had changed very little, it was obviously more mature, but it still had the same cadence as before, the same roughness that he somehow still made it feel soothing. It was a very Ilya thing and Shane realized he had missed it. He hated that he did, but that was the truth. “I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw you in the crowd, Hollander.”
“Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you.”
“I bet,” he smirked, then opened the door wider. “Come in, please.”
Shane followed Hayden and Rose inside, holding on a breath as he walked past Ilya. He could not let himself be fooled by his charm or his playfulness, he had to remind himself the man that was standing right there beside him was the same kid that walked away from him without a word. Shane wouldn't allow for him to just brush everything off so easily.
“I really don't have much time, but it's nice to have you here,” Ilya gestured towards the couch and in seconds Rose and Hayden had already made themselves comfortable. “Can I get you guys anything to drink? I have water, some energy drinks and vodka. Good vodka, the Russian kind.”
“We'll take the vodka,” Rose answered quickly and Hayden nodded, all while Shane stood by the couch, his eyes rummaging through the entire room.
The place was pretty standard, white brick walls, a wardrobe, a mini fridge and a dresser where some makeup and hair products were scattered around along with an open can of energy drink and a pack of cigarettes. It seemed like he had yet to quit that awful habit of his, one which Shane saw as it bloomed at the tender age of fifteen.
“Hollander?” he turned back at Ilya, who was holding a can of ginger ale on his hand and frowned, his eyes lingering in the can for a while before he looked up at Ilya. “Still your favorite?”
“Why do you even have this?”
“Someone once told me it can be good for when your stomach is kind of fuzzy,” he shrugged. “So I always make sure there's at least one wherever I go.”
“Right,” Shane declined the ginger ale though and sat down beside his friends, each one of them with a glass in hand.
“I can't believe you are here,” Ilya flipped the chair by the dresser and sat down, his eyes barely leaving Shane the entire time. To him it was as if Rose and Hayden were not even there. “It's been so long and-”
“Seven years.”
“Fuck, that long, huh?” he nodded, his smile never leaving his lips, even if Shane could've sworn he saw a hint of sadness in his eyes.
No, don't do this, he told himself over and over again. Have some dignity, keep yourself together and do not let him wrap you around his finger.
“How do you guys know each other anyway?” Hayden asked and Ilya finally looked away from Shane.
“Hollander and I were childhood friends,” he said, which prompted both Hayden and Rose to look at Shane with wide eyes. Ilya chuckled at that, sipped his vodka and set the glass down on the table closer to the couch. “I'm guessing he hasn't told you guys about me?”
“We had no idea you two knew each other until the concert started.”
“He didn't even mention the fact he already knew you as an artist.”
“I didn't,” Shane explained, once again attracting Ilya's attention. “I didn't even know it was your concert. I didn't know you were back in Montreal at all.”
“So you guys haven't even talked for the past seven years?” Rose arched an eyebrow, her eyes going from Shane to Ilya then back to Shane, who nodded. “Well, that's one big coincidence, huh?”
“You tell me about it,” Shane mumbled and he almost regretted not having a glass of vodka of his own at that moment. He could really use a drink.
“What have you been doing, Hollander?”
“I work at the Montreal Voyagers, as the head of the physical therapy clinic.”
“Like you always dreamt of,” he smiled, then turned to Rose and Hayden. “You guys work with him?”
“Hayden does,” Rose quickly replied. “I work at a magazine, I write for the fashion segment.”
“Oh, that's very interesting,” he smiled and Shane could tell Rose was completely enamored by him, which in all fairness was something he had gotten used to over the years he knew Ilya. He was like a flame, attracting the moth wherever he went. “I have tons of interviews to do next week, maybe one of them is for your magazine?”
“Sadly, I don't think so, but I'm willing to talk to my boss if you want to change that,” she grinned. “I know she would be thrilled to do it.”
“Maybe we'll do that.”
Shane sighed. He wanted to scream, to grab Ilya by the throat and ask him how he could be so nonchalant after seven years of silence. How could he sit there, talk to his friends, talk to him as if he wasn't the one who walked away without a word. Did everything they went through not mean shit to him? Was that the reason why it was so easy for him to just ignore the past and pretend nothing that happened?
“...but I was new at the school and Hollander was the only kid that even bothered to talk to me on my first day,” Shane snapped out of his thoughts to realize Ilya was still talking, but not only that, he was talking about them, about their friendship. “After that I kind of just followed him around and I don't think he liked me that much at the beginning, but I grew on him, da?”
That last word was directed solely at Shane, who couldn't do much but nod.
“I guess you could say so.”
“So you were an exchange student?” Hayden asked.
“Oh no, I moved here to-”
The door opened and they all turned their attention to the woman that stood there, her greenish eyes surveying the room until they landed on Shane, who she eyed up and down. Shane had never been introduced to her properly, but he knew exactly who she was. Svetlana Vetrova, a Russian friend of Ilya who used to live in Boston while they were teens, and who seemingly had remained by his side throughout all this time.
“Sorry to interrupt, but you have some interviews to do before we can leave.”
“Right,” Ilya pulled himself up, then turned to Hayden and Rose, that beaming smile back to his face. “You guys want a photo?”
“Oh my God, yes, please.”
“Sveta, can you-”
“I'm on it,” she took Rose's phone in her hands and Shane watched from the couch as his friends posed along Ilya for a couple of photos.
Once they were all done, Svetlana left the room uttering a string of Russian words that Shane couldn't understand, but that made Ilya smirk. He rolled his eyes, then turned back to his friends, who were looking at the photos with such giddy eyes that he almost felt bad for being in such a mood. It was hard not to be though and they would understand once they knew the whole story.
“It was a pleasure to meet you guys,” Ilya smiled, handing each of them a guitar pick with his name on it. “I got two more shows here in Montreal, I'll talk to Svetlana and she will add your names to the list.”
“That’s awesome, dude, thanks.”
“No problem, any friend of Hollander is also my friend.”
Shane rolled his eyes, then followed his friends towards the door, but stopped before he could even walk past the threshold as he felt Ilya's hand on his elbow, keeping him in place. He gulped, but turned around either way, arching an eyebrow in question.
Ilya held up a small business card, which he handed it to Shane. “This is the hotel I'm staying at. I'll be here for a week, maybe you'd like to show up, have a couple drinks and talk.”
Talk. They really did have a lot to talk about, the main thing being why did he think it was okay to leave that way. But there was a part of Shane that wanted to take that card, rip it into pieces and shove it on Ilya's face for even daring to act like what he had done wasn't serious, to act like he had not hurt him.
Instead, he took the card with him and walked away, not even bothering to say anything.
🎸
Shane had good friends and he was extremely happy for that. Despite the obvious awkwardness they had witnessed, neither Rose nor Hayden asked any questions as they drove back to Shane's house. They talked about the concert obviously, made sure to share with one another which songs they liked more, how cool Ilya looked on the stage and even how good the vodka was, which knowing Ilya like Shane did, would make him extremely proud.
But they didn't ask the obvious question, the one thing they had been dying to ask.
So as he walked back from the front door with their food, Shane prepared himself to just let it all out. He had debated whether or not he should tell them, if it was even worth it to bring back all those emotions, after all it had taken him nearly a whole year to fully get over what had happened and if he was being honest with himself, despite getting over it, he never truly forgot the pain Ilya caused him.
But then, the rational side of him pondered that maybe, just maybe, it would be good to finally talk about it with someone. Even if his parents had helped him get through it back in the day, maybe sharing with his friends was the one thing he needed to finally let go and let the whole thing in the past. Even if the past had just reappeared in the form of a very sexy, talented rockstar.
He set the food down on the coffee table and sat beside Hayden on the floor, watching as his friends quietly divided everything. He took a bite of his burger, a little indulgence he preserved for the weekends, and leaned back against the couch. A part of Shane wanted to see how long his friends would manage to avoid the subject, but he also just wanted to rip off the band-aid.
It was a seven year long band-aid, he was growing tired of it anyway.
“So, should I tell you now or wait until you finally burst out and ask me?”
Rose arched an eyebrow, her eyes going from Shane to Hayden, then back to Shane. “We didn't think you'd want to talk.”
“Yeah, I mean, as polite as you were, because you always are, it was pretty clear you didn't want to be there.”
“Which I'm sorry, by the way,” Rose smiled apologetically. “I kind of feel like tonight was all my fault.”
“You couldn't possibly know that Ilya and I knew each other, Rose,” he assured her.
“Still, I feel kind of bad,” she shrugged. “So, if you don't want to talk, I totally get it.”
“Me too, man,” Hayden quickly said. “I'll be curious as hell, but I'll get it.”
“Hayden!”
“What? I'm being honest here.”
“It's okay,” Shane sighed and took a sip of his ginger ale. He adjusted himself on the floor, a cushion suddenly pressed against his chest. He could use the comfort of it, he supposed. “I met Ilya when we were fourteen. He lost his mother when he was twelve and that caused him to get into some trouble back in Russia, so his family thought it would be better to send him over here to live with his aunt.”
Rose and Hayden remained in silence, simply watching Shane as he talked.
“I saw him alone on his first day at school and since I had also been the new guy a couple years prior, I decided that I would go over and talk to him. He seemed shy at first, but it didn't take long for him to be babbling non-stop. We had pretty different personalities, but we got along well, we could talk about a lot of things and we both loved hockey. It was nice to have a friend, someone I could actually be myself around, so we became inseparable and….”