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We’ve finally debuted, I’ve finally debuted, Ohyul said to himself.
It’s been two weeks since Lngshot debuted officially with their ep ‘Shot Callers’ and as much as Ohyul thought he’d be ready for the promotions, he quickly found out he wasn’t. The stress that came with the debut was hard on everyone. The worries of not being liked by fans, of not reaching enough people, messing up performances, or falling behind were clouding everyone’s mind.
Ohyul thought he hid his worries well behind his happy attitude and roles as the leader. Ohyul didn’t think anyone knew he was the one staying up late into the night simply just having his thoughts overwhelm him. He didn’t want his members to know, he was their leader, their composed hyung, but most importantly their support system. Ohyul knew it would be harder to hide his stress from his boyfriend, Ryul. He always knew when something was wrong, even before they started dating, Ryul knew how Ohyul would get overwhelmed with no way out, he also knew how to help him.
This time around Ohyul was determined to not let Ryul find out. He loved his boyfriend but everyone was feeling stressed, him staying up late because of it shouldn’t cause too much trouble. Everyone was getting a lack of sleep is what he would repeat in his head every time his fatigue would show itself. Ohyul knew he was strong mentally, everyone knew he had a strong mentality. Though, every mentality starts crumbling when the brain gets weaker. A lack of sleep means a weaker body and brain.
—
When I made a mistake in a live stage practice I blew it off as stress getting to me in the moment and apologized. Then it happened again, this time I blamed it on not drinking enough water and took a quick break and returned with an apology. When it happened for the third time, I just shared that I think I was having a bad day today and that I’d work harder. Everyone believed me because I was the leader, but I could feel a certain pair of eyes on me that I didn’t want.
Ryul was staring at me with that same knowing look in his eyes. His eyes were full of worry with a hint of anger, he always told me to take care of myself but every time I failed he was right there waiting. Waiting to hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be okay, waiting to make me whatever food would get me to feel better, whatever medicine I needed he already had. I loved how caring he was. I truly did, it was one of the things that made me fall for him, but I couldn’t help myself with the guilt that overwhelmed me. The guilt that I haven’t been able to do the same, the guilt that I, as a leader, had to rely on someone else. What if the younger members think I’m weak, the staff find out and think I’m no longer suitable to be the leader, or the fans see me as unreliable. It was these thoughts that swirled my head until I was pulled back into reality by the same boy I was thinking about. A quick tap on the shoulder to wake me up from my trance with the knowing look in his eyes that I wanted to steer away from seeing.
—
Practice continued and I luckily made no more mistakes, but the feeling of a pair of eyes watching me like a hawk didn’t make me feel any better. I knew what it would lead to and I wanted to think I could get out of it, lie my way out, claim I truly was just having a bad day of practice. But I knew I couldn’t, it never worked against him, it never worked against the boy who knows too much about me. I left the practice room feeling a weight over my chest. I wanted Ryul’s comfort and care, but I hated the idea that I can’t do it myself. I went back to the dorm and washed up as we ate dinner. As the four of us I almost forgot about the stress, worries and anxiety. Until I was left alone in my room again, stuck with only me staring at the ceiling with thoughts overwhelming my head.
It reached 2:35am when I heard my door open and be gently shut. I didn’t need to look to see who it was, it was the same boy who always showed up when I needed him most.
“Hi Ryul.” I mumbled as I sat up straight back against my headboard. He only brought his phone which means he’s sleeping in my bed tonight. He stares at me the same way he always does, genuine love, worry and care all shown through a simple glance.
He finally speaks as leans against the wall to my left, “Mind explaining why you think that only you don’t deserve care from others?”
“You already know why, you just want me to say it again.” I knew his tricks, he wants me to say that it’s because of the guilt of being a leader, the guilt of looking weak to the younger members, and the guilt of being seen as unreliable.
“Yeah I do, so you can hear yourself spout nonsense.’ He walks over and sits on my bed as his hands land on my jaw and cheeks to cup my face,‘ No one is going to think you’re unreliable because you feel stressed. No one is going to no longer see you as the leader, a great leader at that, because you have worries. Louis and Woojin aren’t going to think you’re weak because you needed care from your boyfriend. You are allowed to feel stressed and worried about these past couple of weeks and I know you haven’t been sleeping well because of it. This guilt you have because of it is what’s eating you alive every night. I’m here for you and I always will be and if that means coming into your room late at night to comfort you, I will. No matter what that means I have to do, I would do it because I love you and I need you here with me. Okay sweet boy?” I can feel his thumbs lift up towards my cheeks to wipe the tears slowly falling.
“I hate that you always know what to say, I hate how easily I fall apart in your hands, I hate how easy it is for you to know when I’m not in perfect condition, but I also love it. I’m sorry for not being able to do the same, I’m sorry for not being able to not feel guilty and I’m sorry that I keep shutting you out whenever I need you most.” The tears start falling faster as I slowly end in a sob when saying I needed him most.
He pulled me close into a hug as I felt my tears soak his t-shirt, yet he wouldn’t care. He holds me close as his hand strokes through my hair whispering different affirmations; telling me he loves me, that everything will be okay, that he forgives me and just hopes I stop one day and that he will always be here. As my cries quiet down he pulls away and gently kisses my nose, cheeks, forehead and a light peck on my lips. He stares at me like I’m the most precious thing in this world, that no one could stop him from loving me. He’s perfect for me and I only wish I could be just as perfect for him.
“Baby, we need to get you some proper rest, okay? C’mere.” He lets go of me and lays himself down on my bed, holding his arms out for me like a hug. I fall right into his arms as he wraps them both around my waist as I bury my head in between his neck and shoulder. I wrap my own arm around his torso as he removes one arm to gently draw circles and stars on my back, the other staying hooked around my waist. I can feel the fatigue of these past nights rush all at once and the last thing I feel before drifting off is a kiss on the top of my head.
—
As I feel my body slowly waking up the first thing I recognize is the weight on my chest, then the familiar warmth and then the hot breath from the nose of my Ohyul. I refuse to let myself being awake, wake him up as I glance at the clock, ‘6:26am’ we still have an hour until we absolutely have to get up.
The sensation of his body on my own, the tiny snores muffled by the bedsheets and my neck, the familiarity of the whole situation, but my favorite part, his soft expression on the singular brow I can see through his hair. I peck the top of his fluffy hair and reach for my phone to let the time pass.
The time is 7:12 as I feel his body slowly twitch awake with his eyes flutter open.
He mumbles a small good morning as I reply back. He looks up at me with eyes that clearly show a goodnight’s rest, but with a hint of want. I kiss his forehead as a final wake up call as I watch his eyes stay heavy.
“I want a kiss,” he barely mumbles out. I hold his face as I bring our lips together into a soft kiss. He kisses back matching the same slow and gentle rhythm I’ve created. I cut the kiss short not wanting to get too carried away with a simple peck on his nose and then lips. We both get up and head towards the living room as the noise from the younger members start to erupt.