Work Text:
3/14
With one week left, it starts on White Day.
Souji, being the giving and caring person that he is, had taken note of each and every gift he’d received on Valentine’s Day, both of the romantic and friendship variety, even – no especially, the ones he’d had to turn down directly, and when White Day comes along, Souji is prepared, an entire collection of individually packaged gifts in tow, and a short stack of small sheets of paper on his desk next to the pile.
In each bag, he has stuffed sweets tailored to the tastes of each person, thanks to his months of cooking their lunches and testing each flavor against their palates. In addition, Souji decided to finish them off with a personal flair, signing thank-you notes and folding them into the shapes of paper cranes, included inside.
It will take a while to hand them out around town, but the investigation team is first as usual, naturally crowding around his desk with curiosity just as they had a month prior and catching him at the tail end of signing and folding his personalized notes.
“Whoa, dude,” Yosuke hollers, unable to contain an accompanying whistle. “I knew you were kind of a ladies’ man, but this is...”
“Extreme.” Kanji finishes. His eyes are wide but Souji would suggest that it’s a pleasant kind of surprise, the kind that Souji definitely appreciates.
“Not all of these are for people who gave me something. I made one for everyone I could think of who I’m going to miss, whether or not they gave me anything before.”
“Noble as ever,” Naoto notes with an approving nod and a hand on her hip, exchanging a glance with Rise as the two of them take their places at either side of Souji’s seat just behind him, and Yosuke and Kanji fill in next to them.
They’ve been doing this a lot lately; surrounding Souji at the end of the day, making him the center of attention even when they have nothing more to do than say hi. If he weren’t leaving so soon, Souji might comment on it, but deep down, he can’t say he can think of anything that makes him happier than knowing his absence is going to affect people. And people he cares about deeply, at that.
“I guess you could say I stole the concept from you, right?” He smiles up at Rise. “If Valentine’s Day was for saying thank you, that’s something I want to say to all of you right back.”
The sentiment seems to reach everyone, and Souji finds himself trapped in a sudden teary hug from the former idol from behind, causing him to laugh and enjoy the moment until--
“Oh crap!” Yosuke calls out, face contorting as he grimaces at his phone. “Oh, uh, sorry to interrupt a speech like that, partner. I forgot we were doing a White Day event at work. I have to go.”
“It’s no problem,” Souji shakes his head, handing out the presents on his desk to each of them, the biggest of which ends up in Yosuke’s hands. The size difference is noticeable, and that seems to occur to Yosuke too, as he looks from the surrounding collection to his own, skepticism abound as he narrows his eyes at it. “Don’t get a big head. I put yours and Teddie’s together, so make sure he gets it.”
Yosuke laughs and assures him that he will, and Souji has a wide grin on his face as Yosuke runs off, and he returns to folding the last few notes and sticking them inside their intended packages.
“I was almost jealous for a second, senpai,” Rise winks. “But if you put all this effort into giving something to all of your friends, how are you going to make the person whose feelings you’re replying to today feel extra special?”
It seems quieter after that, Souji thinks, but maybe he’s imagining it. People seemed to have been filing out as the afternoon progresses, after all. “Ah,” he clears his throat, “I have no feelings of that kind to reply to, today.” Three blinks. “I wanted to get everyone something regardless.”
"That's pretty nice of you senpai," Kanji speaks up. "But you got a lot of stuff last month...was there really not even one girl in there you were interested in?" His voice quiets. "Or guy?"
Quietly, Souji pointedly folds another crane and tucks it away with a swift flick of his fingers, but a playful smile slips across his lips. "Nope."
There are a few surprised faces, along with a relieved sigh or two, but what most catches Souji off guard is Naoto's inquisitive skepticism.
"That seems...improbable."
Souji raises his eyebrow at her, eyes up, but his hands never still, having spent so much time folding that they're able to do so without even looking at the paper by now. He's curious, of course, but Naoto isn't one to leave her thoughts unfinished, so Souji lies in patient wait, not wanting to voice his question and make it seem like he's as invested or nervous about the inevitable interrogation as he actually is.
"I believe it's unlikely that Souji senpai could spend a full year in any city, Inaba included, meeting a great number of individuals with unique traits, and not find a single one worthy of his interest."
"It's not like that, Naoto-kun!" Rise chimes, soon enough that Souji's parted lips go unnoticed and his temptation to respond on a whim is easy to bury down into his throat again, kind eyes on Rise as she speaks. "Just because someone's your type doesn't mean you'll fall for them. And just because you fall for someone doesn't mean they were even your type. They might even be the opposite!"
Souji chuckles. "That’s right, Rise. But I never said I didn't fall for anyone."
The silence that follows is so sudden and intense that it does finally tear Souji from his work, fingers dropping the crane in progress and head whipping upwards, glancing around at each set of eyes widening before him. They're staring, as if he'd just admitted to murder. "...What?"
"Souji-kun, you..." Yukiko's face turns bright red in her pause, raised hand failing to hide much of it and giving her away. "You like someone?"
"Well, yeah," Souji says, inflected tone intending to indicate his confusion as he takes a swift look around the crescent of judgmental gazes upon him. "They just didn't give me anything, or else I would’ve responded..."
And that's really no big deal to Souji, but immediately all five of them switch to a look of sympathy, and Souji doesn't know what to say to that, a curious "hm" his only audible response as he returns to concentrating on his cranes. He's not going to get away with this for long, and he knows it, but if he just pretends that he has nothing more to add then maybe they'll believe him and--
"So who is it?"
Chie stares daggers into him. Bright and friendly daggers, but daggers nonetheless, and Souji can feel them burning into his shoulder, into the side of his face, and they have to be what's turning his face red and hot, of course, it has to be that. He holds strong in his silence, cocking his head to the side in thought and playing it off as a carefully planned eye on his final crane. There's nothing more to distract him now.
"You received chocolates from almost every girl in our class... Even some of the guys too. And we all...” She looks around at each of them, recalling the events of Valentine’s Day in careful detail. “We all gave you something. Oh, except Yosuke, right?"
It's a trap. It sure feels like a trap. The wording is careful, Souji suspects; Chie's asking because she knows. Right? Chie may not be extremely book smart, but she's no fool when it comes to her friends, and Souji can only imagine what she's thinking, how she arrived at that conclusion, and more importantly, how he could potentially answer without getting himself in trouble. He can't think of anything. And by the time he realizes this, he's taken long enough to respond that they're all looking at him funny, confused, and Souji grits his teeth, nodding. "Right." Easy enough, and it's --
"Oh."
"Oooohhh."
"Huh..."
"That explains it."
"...Really?"
That's when it starts.
Frozen in place, Souji clears his throat, looking around at the classroom, now empty aside from the lot of them, and he pushes up his glasses, hiding the way he nervously scratches at the side of his head through his hair and flicks it nonchalantly across his forehead. "None of you have a problem with that, do you?"
Confiding in his friends about certain delicate matters turns out to be much easier than Souji had expected, and as it turns out, their refusal to acknowledge one Hanamura's worth turns out to be the only hurdle. They don't question Souji's sexuality, much to his surprise, as he certainly had in his own time, but instead find themselves in a state of disbelief, more questions than accusations from their lips, and Souji quickly grows somewhat perturbed by the implications.
Chie's incredulous judgment of Yosuke's entire being had been predicted, enough that Souji only offers a bemused shake of his head. But what follows isn't quite so: Yukiko's seemingly genuine -- but quite obvious -- questioning of whether or not Souji truly believes Yosuke's face is considered handsome, one arm tucked behind her back and the other rested against her cheek, as if visualizing Yosuke's face in her mind; Kanji too, scratching behind his head and making an off-handed remark that he's only a little bit surprised, but that his senpai is admirable for not caring about gender. Naoto doesn't prove to be much more understanding, forefinger and thumb resting against her chin as she thoughtfully lists Souji and Yosuke's similar traits and common interests and goals; all the while though, a somewhat curious and skeptical tone to her voice, and a cock of the head that indicates a lack of perfect comprehension.
Teddie's absence is a shame, Souji thinks, as he could have had an ally in him. Thank goodness for Rise; good old, romantic Rise, who does her fair share of pouting and emitting a sing-song confession of her own, admitting with zero hesitation that she's always held onto the hope that her senpai would fall for her in the end. She does, however, make a surprisingly reassuring comment on how silly the human heart is, making people fall for each other inexplicably. Since it is accompanied by a smile, Souji has no choice but to take that as approval, albeit it rather lukewarm.
It's not as if Souji doesn't recognize good and bad traits in people -- in fact, he may consider it a natural skill of his, being able to sense them much more easily in others than he is in himself. But maybe, he thinks, he sees those traits differently than how others do, appreciates those which are not always appreciated, those that need deeper understanding and assessment and intimacy to grow to love them.
Of course, that isn't unique to his feelings for Yosuke, but he can't deny there is an extra level to the 'appreciation' he has for each and every one of those moments with Yosuke that he doesn’t think his friends would understand. After all, Souji isn’t sure he understands either.
In any case, Souji is well-aware of the fact that Yosuke forces him to abandon some of his logic on a daily basis. With nearly everyone else, he could do just as Naoto had attempted; explained his friendships with logic and detail and lists, or boiled them down to convenience, or the experiences they've shared bonding them together. But his friendship with Yosuke - that one puts a hiccup in even Souji's thought process. Because when he's with Yosuke, so much of what he does is feel, not think.
And all of that is what causes him to get lost in thought, raising his eyebrows at his friends when he discovers they're still looking at him after dumping their own personal thoughts onto him, and it's at that point that he figures out that they may want a concrete answer, even if they each have their own separate reasons.
"I don't know what to say," he admits, the tiniest of shrugs accompanying his non-committal answer.
"Well I'm curious," Chie huffs, hands on her hips, the judgmental look on her face now replaced with a more hopeful, positive one. "Think about it!"
And that's why, when his mind wanders during his studying later, his Japanese language exercises having him turn the word sun right into Yosuke's name with unconscious swishes of his pen, Souji scoffs a laugh and pulls out an extra sheet of paper, taking his friends' suspicions into consideration as he begins an impromptu, untitled list.
The way he gets so excited about music (especially when he shares it with me)
The familiar squeak of sneakers against the floor as Yosuke turned the corner down the hallway, on a mad-dash to the classroom, was Souji's first hint at what was coming, giving him enough time to turn around in his seat to face back towards Yosuke's behind him, arms folded over Yosuke's desk before his friend made it there.
"Partner, you've gotta hear this one!"
It was familiar, but familiar and somehow comforting, so Souji already had his head tipped just the slightest bit forward, ready for when Yosuke unsurprisingly grabbed the headphones from around his neck and pushed them towards that head of silver hair, taking it upon himself to put them over Souji's ears without any care towards personal space. So much so, that his hands remained clasped over each ear while he did so, waiting on bated breath with an anticipatory grin as he forced his friend to listen to his latest discovery.
The distance between them was so small whenever Yosuke did this, but he never seemed to notice. The first time he'd felt so compelled, it may have been greater, but over time Yosuke's personal boundaries with Souji had dwindled at the same rate that their friendship had deepened. Not that Souji minded any of that, and he nodded with earnest satisfaction and fondness as Yosuke's song of choice filled his ears, writing the soundtrack to this memory so easily that Souji's smile was serene despite the upbeat, drum-filled track. "You were right, I like it," he assured Yosuke, honest in his assessment. No matter the song, Souji always ended up liking them.
If only because they all reminded him of Yosuke, and the way he smiled every single time.
With a twirl of his pencil, Souji smiles at the memory as he punctuates the sentence with a full stop and adds a preemptive bullet point for the next one, promptly returning to his homework.
It turns out to be more difficult than he ever remembers homework being before. Maybe it's the mood he's fallen into, or his friends' words from earlier echoing in his mind, but every few sentences or so his pencil seems to slip up, relating his essay to Yosuke somehow or his hand simply writing out his inner thoughts instead of what he'd meant to copy from his textbook.
Frustrated, Souji leans back against the couch from his table, arm resting back to catch his head as he lays back and looks towards the ceiling. Immediately hit with a rush of thoughts, he smiles and sits straight up, pulling out that list he'd started instead of his homework, and making a second entry.
The way he surprisingly puts his all into studying (even if I have to push him there sometimes)
Yosuke heaved a heavy sigh, collapsing across Souji's table and letting his arms stretch all the way to the other edge of it, hands hanging off the sides so he could tap his fingers across the edge. An opportunity he took advantage of after only a few seconds, fingertips strumming a beat Souji couldn't name but had definitely heard blaring through Yosuke's headphones at some point.
Souji ignored him -- at least, pretended to ignore him -- continuing to write until he needed to glance over at his notes and found Yosuke sprawled all over them. Thankfully, not drooling. Feigning disinterest, Souji smirked incredulously, clearing his throat. "Your nose is covering an important equation. If you're taking a nap, make sure to keep your dreams PG so I don't have to worry about explaining any blood stains in my textbook."
Yosuke groaned audibly, soon muffling the sound when he rolled his head to the other side, hair now obstructing Souji's view of his notes entirely. That got his attention, at least, and Souji picked up a barrette from under his couch that Nanako had left behind after playing earlier, keeping silent as he clipped it onto a lock of Yosuke's hair. Feeling victorious when it seemed to go unnoticed, Souji tested his limits and added another. No such luck.
Yosuke quietly howled and sat up, reaching to the back of his head and pulling just one of the barrettes out, taking a curious look at it before he scoffed and threw it directly at a laughing Souji.
"Your hair was covering my notes," he explained, a half-assed excuse.
"Yeah, sure partner," Yosuke sighed, picking up a pencil and twirling it in his hand. "This is so hard. How do you do this every day without losing your mind? Us idiots can't handle this much at once!"
After a short pause, Souji grinned. "You're not an idiot. I don't think you're even as lazy or useless at studying as you make yourself seem. Look how often you ask me for help and how worried you get about doing well." He continued writing, now that he had his notes free, but offered Yosuke another sly glance. "I think the idiots are the guys who don't care at all. Your perseverance is an admirable sign of intelligence too."
As Souji went diligently back to work, Yosuke blinked for a few seconds, hovering on the thought before taking a deep breath and gripping his pencil, loudly declaring, "I will persevere to the point of not being an idiot!" He promptly dove, almost ceremoniously, back into his own notes, hair continuously falling over his brow and forcing him to flick it out of the way.
Souji's eyes flickered up just long enough to smile at him.
That had taken place right in the same spot Souji now finds himself, and he can almost hear Yosuke's ridiculous chants of self-motivation echoing even now. Souji carefully folds his textbook closed and pushes papers into proper folders, taking a look at this new stray sheet, looking around his room for a place to put it. No one ever comes in here without his permission, he figures, so he sets it on his desk without another thought, eyes resting on it as he lays his body to rest too, making sure both are settled in for the night. A silly thought really, and he knows it, but still finds himself smiling as he closes his eyes.
On a particularly hot day that summer, Yosuke and Souji stopped for ice cream while walking the streets, sweating profusely and knowing they couldn't bear to fight shadows that day, not when their bodies were protesting their very existence. A cold treat and a brisk walk was the best escape they could hope for.
"Ugh, it's even too hot for headphones," Yosuke complained. "Even my ears are sweating!"
He'd been wearing them up until that point, against Souji's suggestion, but it was at that point Yosuke gave up on that and pulled them down around his neck, reaching into his pocket and cranking up the volume on his music player, loud enough so the music was playing between the both of them as they walked along the quiet street.
"Oh-- this next part is the one I was telling you about earlier," he started, kicking his feet to a certain beat in a way that almost had him dancing along the road. He hadn't been prepared for the uneven ground, though, and the toe of one of his shoes caught on a rock, causing Yosuke to trip over his own feet. He didn't fall, merely failed at skipping in a sense, his arm flailing unconsciously and pushing the ice cream cone up to his face and smashing right against his nose.
Yosuke stopped dead in his tracks, and Souji only then noticed the signs of the incident, stopping just a step ahead and turning back, to see Yosuke's downtrodden face, a mix of frustration and disbelief painted across it -- that is, for what could be seen through the ice cream smeared around his mouth and nose. Souji blinked, the image taking just a few seconds to register, and he slowly delved into laughter, holding his stomach and pointing at him, intelligently enough, with his free hand.
"Shut up!!" Yosuke called defensively, wiping a hand over his face and getting much, though not all, of the cold treat off of his face (there was an annoying glob left on the tip of his nose left behind, and Souji couldn't take his eyes off of it), cringing at the sight of his now-damaged cone without much ice cream left inside it. "What a waste..."
"Huh? Why's that?" Souji reached out, swiping his index finger over the small amount of ice cream left on Yosuke's nose and plopping it in his own mouth. "It tastes the same."
Beet red, Yosuke sputtered w-what the hell, and wiped his face violently for good measure, causing Souji to burst out laughing once again as he turned forward and licked his own ice cream cone with pride, happy to trust he could blame his own reddened cheeks on the heat if he needed to.
3/15
Souji wakes up from the memory so vivid he almost can't believe he wasn't re-living it entirely, swearing he can feel his stomach tighten where he'd been laughing in his dream. Images still fresh in his mind, Souji sits up without a pause, moving over to his desk and ignoring how cold the floor feels at his feet, sitting down and retracting a pen.
He is, actually, pretty cute (sorry Chie)
On the way out the door for school, Souji lingers on the sight of the list on his desk, not expecting Dojima or Nanako to wander into his room while he isn't home - or to even be in the house, for that matter - but that isn't a risk he's willing to take, so he swiftly folds it into a neat square and tucks it into his pocket, acutely aware of its place against his thigh with every step he takes.
That does turn out to be a good decision, he discovers, but not for the reasons he'd anticipated. Though he still hasn't found a decisive point to writing the things he likes about Yosuke in a compact list, it does feel good to put them down on paper, reliving them in a way that feels more permanent. And every time Souji encounters another memory along his walk, he feels compelled to add another. It's at the exact moment he's contemplating a coherent way to phrase a certain trait that Yosuke comes up from behind him, hands firmly clasped on each of Souji's shoulders with a morning call of Heya Partner and a playful nudge in the side.
Accepting Souji’s quiet nod as enough of a greeting, Yosuke dives right into talking about something he'd seen on tv the night before, some superhero something or other, and normally Souji would care, would be giving it his full attention, but he finds himself distracted by the urge to take out that sheet of paper again. He does.
He's affectionate (when he's not thinking about it too hard)
And after a thought, another, as Yosuke mentions how ‘Ted’ interrupted his viewing.
He makes people feel special with nicknames (though mine is second to none)
"And then he jumped right off the wing and-- hey Souji, you even listening to me?"
Souji's head snaps up at that, and he smiles softly, stuffing the folded paper back into his pocket and gripping his pen. He nods once again, and Yosuke believes him.
The page soon becomes a fixture next to his notes in class, after the first time Souji whispers an answer to Yosuke in class that day, and Yosuke's relieved sigh and muttered thank you Partner, you're a lifesaver leaves Souji grinning and noting on paper that Yosuke is in fact, very grateful and not afraid to show it.
It's all a trip down the rabbit hole, as that reminds Souji of something else, and the corners of his eyes lift with his smile as he scribbles yet another bullet point.
"That damn bear spilled my lunch this morning," Yosuke explained, leaning back against the fence behind their usual spot on the roof. "I seriously made my own for once, I did! It was an honest attempt! And that...damn bear!"
Souji nodded, not needing much prodding or convincing in the first place, absently passing his lunch and chopsticks over to Yosuke and pulling out a second one. He offered no explanation for it, and simply left it as an assumed back up.
With an apologetic nod, Yosuke eagerly dove into it, knowing what delicious flavors were to come but, as usual, finding the anticipation didn't leave him disappointed, and he loudly declared the food some of the most delicious he'd ever had. "I'd marry someone just for cooking this well," he munched, words muffled but fully caught by Souji, who raised an eyebrow, and the corner of his mouth.
"I mean, not really-- You know what I mean. It's seriously good, partner. Don't get married too early, okay? I want to hang onto the privilege of getting your homemade lunches for as long as I can before I have to give it up to someone else."
It sounded a bit possessive, even if it hadn't been intentional, and it had Souji's cheeks tinting pink as he used his chopsticks to stuff his mouth full, lips closing around them in a failed attempt to stop his shit-eating grin.
He doesn't can't hide when he really, truly likes something (even if he tries)
Souji stares at that one fondly as he writes it, eyelids low and smile peaceful and shy, just as they had been on that day, and such a dumb look doesn't go unnoticed by Chie, sitting right next to him and catching sight of what was clearly not related to their history lesson. Under their desks, Chie nudges Souji in the shin, eyes wide and holding back laughter when he meets her eye line. 'I never asked for evidence!' she mouths, with a knowing chuckle hidden behind her hand, and Souji feels his skin heat up, forcing him to shove the paper under all of his notes in his embarrassment, and plant a hand over his reddening cheek, elbow leant on the desk.
He doesn't feel the questioning eyes on the back of his head.
3/17
The group picture is Rise’s idea. They argue a bit about where to take it, about where their strongest memories have been made. The food court seems obvious, but Yosuke doesn’t want his place of work the backdrop for a picture they’ll all likely be cherishing for years, and most of them can agree that Junes is a less-than-ideal example of sentiment. But the more they talk, they realize how each of them has met Souji there, at the top of the hill over looking the town, and nothing else seems quite as fitting.
So they meet up after school, still in their uniforms as they walk in a rather intimidating cluster and crowd around the singular table and benches under the gazebo. It doesn’t quite fit all of them, but it doesn’t need to for long, and there’s a sense of nostalgia about them already, just sitting around as Yosuke sets up his Junes-brand camera.
They’re all chatting around him, and Souji is listening to every word, but he’s watching Yosuke in his direct eye line, noting the way he frames the scenery with his fingers and checks it in the camera view, and Souji knows very well that it won’t make much difference once they’re all in the frame, but it’s kind of endearing, and he can’t help but grin.
“Alright, we’re good to go!” Yosuke hollers over to them, and they all line up in front of the fence, naturally falling into a line-up that works for their heights without much issue, except Teddie who tries to insist on being in the middle so he can have a girl on each arm. Yukiko rejects the premise altogether and sees to it they’re put on opposite sides and nothing else is said about it, but Souji puts a hand on Teddie’s shoulder and smiles, and Teddie starts blubbering, tears forming at the corners of his eyes as he longingly calls “Senseeeei”
“Don’t start crying now, you idiot!” Yosuke sneers, hands fiddling with the camera timer. “You’ll get everyone else started. At least let us get a happy picture out of this first. You can cry at home later.”
“Is that what you’re going to do, Yosuke?”
“Wha-- No!”
“Don’t worry Yosuke, I’ll sleep on your futon so we can cry about Sensei together.”
“Teddie, shut up!! Everyone smile, I’m taking it now.”
It’s a lighthearted enough exchange that everyone’s laughing, and it suddenly feels so much easier to smile than it had a moment ago. After setting the timer, Yosuke hurries into place next to Souji, and Souji doesn’t miss how he seems to be avoiding eye contact, gaze locked on the camera and arms stiff at his sides, then overly-posed, and it seems so forced, but Souji just chuckles with a glance towards his feet and directs his own smile in the same direction.
The flash goes off and they all relax, and Souji pretends not to see how quickly Yosuke moves away from him to collect the camera without so much as a look in his direction. “Um, I’ll go print a bunch of these out right now. Gotta make sure Souji gets his before it’s too late, right?"
It feels abrupt, and Souji gets the sense he’s not the only one who thinks so, but they all begin to naturally dissipate once Yosuke takes off in the direction of Junes, all with their own duties to attend to, but Souji’s head is too full to hear each of their reasons clearly, and before he knows it, he’s standing alone and has no more than a few backs facing him in the distance. Reaching in his pocket, Souji pulls out a familiar winkled sheet and straightens it out as he steps into a short jog.
"This is all your fault," he teases, as he sneaks up behind Chie, catching her by the arm before she has a chance to get too far ahead of him, and stopping her right there on the floodplain.
"Huh? What did I do?"
Head in his hand, Souji exaggerates his shame with a flamboyant thrust of his other arm towards Chie, holding out his now-infamous list of Yosuke Things, which has since filled an entire page, to the point where the writing has become smaller, and points have been shoved sideways around the edges to fit more of them.
"That..." Chie narrows her eyes at Souji, seeing right past the paper and into his forced expression. "I know what you're saying but I don't see how that's my fault!"
Chie always sees right through Souji when he goes over the top with his reactions, and Souji can't keep up with it knowing that, an amused laugh echoing as he drops his arm, stuffing the paper into his pocket and shaking his head. "I've been easily distracted lately, thanks to thoughts you put in my head..." His voice trails off, but not due to any uncertainty in his words; Souji instead cranes his neck slightly towards Chie, eyes on her in a silent plea.
It's something Chie catches just in time, closing her mouth to the joking protest she was about to voice, and she mimes zipping her mouth to the topic and throwing away the key. A few beats of silence and a tight grip on her bag strap later, she steps in closer and muses, "Are you going to do anything about that... You know, before you leave? It's so soon..."
For a long, silent moment, Souji frowns, eyes low, watching the flow of the river, and when he lifts his head back up, he's almost facing the sky in contrast. "Regardless of the outcome... That would be unfair to the one staying here wouldn't it?"
The meaning is understood without further explanation, but it hangs in the air until Souji can do nothing but sigh, apologizing for the trouble and excusing himself, and he leaves Chie with a friendly good-bye before he turns in the direction of the Dojima household. Souji embarks further on his own, but it takes every nerve in his body to keep himself from stopping mid-step, when he hears Chie's faint and clumsy, "Oh, Yosuke! I didn't see you--"
Though his heart sinks into a convenient collision with his jumping stomach, Souji locks his face into a blank slate and marches on, hand slithering into his pocket and gripping his coined 'Yosuke list' so tightly he can feel the sweat from his palms wipe off onto it.
He never mentions it. Yosuke doesn't either.
3/19
It’s as if nothing happened. After all, nothing has happened, Souji is certain. He looks around his room, feeling a certain comfort in leaving most of it as it is, but feeling a certain twinge in his chest as he gathers the most important things into his boxes to take home, passing by each of the memories attached to them and filing them away for safekeeping, in the most precious and quiet corners of his mind, for him to visit when he finds himself alone on each of his foreseeable future nights. Each one is as bittersweet as the last, but Souji prefers to focus on the sweet part for now -- the bitterness will come later, when he has no welcome arms waiting for him just steps away, like he does at this moment.
The last memento to be packed away in a box for his trip is a certain bandage, one he has been careful never to waste. It's hot in Souji's hands, as if the memories pouring off of it take a physical form due to the overwhelming intensity of them, and Souji's head is flooded with so many images he has to put it down, tucked away in a safe corner of the smallest moving box, just to stop everything from building up to the point where it keeps him from continuing on. It's the final piece of tape, wrapped around the flaps of the cardboard, signifying every last proof of his time here now packed tightly for travel to a place that no longer seems like home, that has Souji heaving a deep sigh and closing his eyes as he rests his hand on it.
"I can't believe you're leaving already," Yosuke grumbled, as he'd helped Souji go through all of his school things, deciding what he did and didn't need to bring back into the city with him. There were empty boxes lining the walls of the room, courtesy of Junes' stockroom, ready to hold all of Souji's things, even though Souji had outright laughed at the amount of them and told Yosuke too late that he didn’t have nearly that much to pack. Waiting until the last possible minute had been important he'd thought, so no details had managed to find their way from his lips to his friends ears early enough for them to know that he'd certainly be back before long.
That didn't change this feeling though, knowing that his permanent presence was being removed from them, and each day in the future would forever be a question mark. They were both smiling, but Souji a little bit wider.
"It feels like I just got here, right?" Souji finished for him, knowing where Yosuke was going with that thought without him having to say it out loud. Souji was always good for that.
"Yeah," Yosuke sighed, and Souji caught him haphazardly tossing a pile of old class assignments in the trash. Oh well. That had been the idea, after all. He was about to point out that he may want to use some of them as study materials, but as he turned towards Yosuke on his heel, teasing tone ready at the back of his throat, he noticed his friend staring hard into the trash bin, eyes narrowing thoughtfully on the top sheet in the pile he'd just discarded. "I can pass my tests without you now, you know."
Souji nodded. "I know."
"But I think it'll be weird not having you give me answers anymore anyway."
In a weird way, Souji knew exactly what he was saying , and that he'd meant more than what he said, may have even meant more than what he thought he meant, and tossing those thoughts around his own mind had Souji feeling silly, but it made him want to write down what he was feeling, right at that moment, so in a brave move, he pulled out a pen and what was a very risky sheet of paper to expose at a time like this.
It’s not as if Yosuke hadn’t noticed Souji writing on it all the time; they had likely all noticed, what with their eyes constantly on him all this week , but only Chie was privy to its contents, and Souji hoped to keep it that way if at all possible.
“Hey, it’s that thing again,” Yosuke pointed offensively, and Souji instantly felt that possibility crumbling, but he wasn’t ready to let go of it so easily.
“It’s nothing,” he blanched, convincingly calm as Yosuke approached him with an outstretched hand.
“Like hell it’s nothing,” Yosuke chuckled, still thankfully unaware. “You’ve been obsessing over something for days now and it’s starting to feel like there’s some secret I’m not in on, hah.”
Souji froze, beginning to crumple the sheet of paper in his hand and tuck it behind his back as if he could will it to another dimension if he wished hard enough. But it’s not like he could just toss it into the tv, though the thought did just cross his mind, and Yosuke’s eyes were narrowing in on him suspiciously, somehow playfully, thanks to Yosuke’s blissful ignorance.
“Come on, what is it? Is there a secret girlfriend you’re exchanging notes with? Are you a spy, taking notes on all of us? There’s no way you’re studying right now, not even you would...” Though his sentence trailed off along with his thoughts, Souji didn’t miss how Yosuke’s stance changed, body stiffening with a slight forward lean, and he just barely dodged when Yosuke grinned and lunged out, arm reaching behind Souji to make a grab for it.
It almost felt like their fight on the riverbank again, except this time they were smiling from the first step, and Souji dodged several of Yosuke’s apt moves, the confidence of anticipating his best friend’s attacks eventually becoming his demise, as Souji attempted to get fancy and did a slide across the room, past his futon and in front of his couch, towards the door. When Yosuke followed, his lunge was overstepped, and he bumped into one of the boxes in the middle of the floor, shuffling to keep his balance but ultimately crashing and burning in those attempts and effectively shoving Souji and pinning one of his arms down on the couch.
“Ah, damn it, sorry--” Yosuke huffed on instinct, pushing off without a second thought, and Souji suspects he imagined the flushed face beneath Yosuke’s bangs falling over his face when he scratched the back of his neck. “I shouldn’t push if it it’s private, right?”
Sitting up, Souji cleared his throat, fingers uncurling from his balled fist where he’d nearly torn through the paper in the scuffle, and stifled a chuckle. “I’m just writing down things I don’t want to forget.”
Yosuke’s face straightened, and Souji could guess what was going on in his head – working out the timing of when Souji had started writing it and coming to a conclusion that Souji was telling the truth. It wasn’t a lie, not really, but it felt like one, and Souji found it hard to accept leaving it that way.
“Yos--”
“Crap, is it that late already?”
Souji followed Yosuke’s eyes to the clock and frowned.
“Sorry partner, I have to get home. Rest up for tomorrow, yeah? It’s…the last time you’ll be able to see us for a while, so you should be excited.”
Yosuke left with his signature wink, and Souji closed his eyes as he pulled his note free from his own grip, giving it a bemused once-over before he poignantly marked it once more.
He's going to miss me too.
3/21
Souji keeps a much stronger face for his good-byes than he’d ever anticipated, having fully believed in the possibility he’d have broken down and spent his first phone call with his parents in a year begging them to change their plans and let him stay longer.
But that would convenience far more people than just himself, and after every fight and ordeal they’ve been through this year, Souji feels good knowing he can leave everyone on a good note, giving them all a fresh start.
It doesn’t feel so fresh for him though, as Souji stands with his bag slumped over his shoulder, watching his friends crowd around him at the train station and knowing in every cell in his brain that he’ll be thinking about each and every one of them on a daily basis.
That thought lingers, and intensifies, when Souji’s eyes land on Nanako, tugging at Yosuke’s hand when both Teddie and Dojima find themselves preoccupied, and though he can’t make out what it is they’re talking about, Yosuke’s laughter rings through his ears at the same time that his cousin’s bright smile illuminates everything in view, and Souji feels like he’s leaving them both in good hands.
After all this time, it’s become unconscious, and Souji’s own smile has led him to scribbling an unexpected final note on his tattered list, about what a good second brother Yosuke will make for Nanako in his absence.
“Even I have to admit that’s cute,” Souji’s ears sting, and he flubs the last letter, dropping his pen in the process, and feeling only half of his shock drain when he finds Chie standing next to him, absolutely beaming. “Tell him sometime, okay? I’ll lend you some of my strength!”
Strength for what? Souji wants to tease, but his lips barely part before he feels eyes on him again, and Yosuke and the others charge towards him, forcing Souji to scramble to shove his paper away in whatever pocket is available, flailing his hand about and stuffing it aimlessly, face as stoic as he can manage as he says his good-byes and departs in silence as he watches their figures get smaller.
He sleeps the whole trip “home,” exhausted from all the battles, all the emotional good-byes, and all the thoughts of the future thrust upon him, and Souji swears he has several concurrent dreams all playing over each other, his friends’ faces punctuating each one and lulling him into comfort, despite the rough, hard seat of the train. When he wakes, the photo he’d fallen asleep clutching remains in his hand, and he considers how nice it would be to wake up the same way every day.
He decides to make that a reality, holding it tight in his palm as he exits the train and walks through a city that almost seems foreign to him, despite the many years he’s lived here, and it’s all too much. It doesn’t feel like home anymore; the skyscrapers seem twice as tall, the city roar twice as loud, the lights doubly blinding. He’ll get used to it again, he will, but for now he just wants to get home, and so he hurries, no passing glances exchanged with any strangers on the street like he would in Inaba, and he feels nothing but relief when he finally reaches his own building, entering the silent elevator and letting out the longest sigh he’s ever held in his body.
His parents aren’t home yet, when he arrives at their apartment, but he expected as much. He could afford to have his boxes delivered, and there’s a strange familiarity about the sight of them stacked in front of him again, enough that the pressure begins to leave his shoulders, and Souji makes the first move to take their group picture and put it in a new frame, right on his bedside table.
He moves his boxes into his room after that, beginning to unpack everything, when his phone chirps.
From: Yosuke Hanamura
u get back safe and sound yet???
Souji snickers at the usual mess of a typing style his best friend has, and sends a half-hearted ‘Yes’ back, debating the validity of his ‘safe and sound’ as he shoves his phone back in his pocket – and realizes, face instantly losing all color, that it’s the only thing there.
Oh. Oh no.
Panicked, but still holding onto his composure for dear life, Souji searches through every last sheet of paper in his bag, between every page of every personal book -- thinking, oh god the textbooks -- but in his few boxes, there aren't many places for it to hide, and after a painstakingly long bout of frustration, he sighs and collapses on the floor in the midst of his things. The list, that had become a fixture in his pocket over the past week, is nowhere to be found. Somewhere in Inaba, or on the train, or in his surprisingly bewildered return to his apartment through the Tokyo streets, he'd dropped it, the list of reasons why Yosuke had become a similarly fixed constant in his life, for the time he'd had with him, and Souji audibly huffs at the thought.
It’s not as if anyone would understand or know what it was if they found it. No names, no identifying information. More importantly, it's not as if losing a haphazard collection of bullet-point ideas, scribbled onto a replaceable sheet of paper, takes away any of the memories themselves. Souji knows that, of course, but it doesn't reassure him, and he can't explain to himself why that is. Yosuke is still there. All those events, all those feelings, still happened. He won't forget simply because he no longer has them written down. Souji knows all of that. He does. But that doesn't keep him from checking his pocket for the folded note over and over, and from checking each item before he puts it away in his new -- old, he reminds himself -- room.
Innocuous as it is, it all but fills his mind, that is, until the phone rings and Yosuke's name displays itself right across the screen again, and in realizing how silly those worries are, and how difficult it would be to actually lose Yosuke at this point, and how far he is from that, Souji manages to trick himself into a false sense of relief.
It's short lived.
Souji answers with a bright hello, as if they aren't several hundred kilometers apart instead of a few blocks away, and waits patiently through a pregnant pause Yosuke puts him through before he hesitantly speaks.
"The way he gets so excited about music, especially when he shares it with me," Yosuke reads, voice sounding misplaced and hushed, and for all their phone calls, Souji can't place the background noise to identify where he's speaking from this time. More significantly, he can't even breathe for a few seconds, as that sentence hits him square in the gut and the realization plows into him soon enough for Yosuke to not need to continue in order to make his point.
But he does.
"The way his ears redden when he's embarrassed over something he thinks no one else noticed..." A tinier pause, and Souji thinks he hears the sound of a quick swallow echoing from Yosuke's throat. "The fact that he--"
"Yosuke, where did you get that?" Souji cuts him off.
"I, um, heh--" Yosuke's still hesitating, Souji can just tell, and Souji's blood pressure is rapidly rising without such pertinent information, holding himself silent until an answer comes. "You dropped something at the station... Normally I would've given it back but you've been acting weird and I had to see what was up and what you and Chie were laughing about and it... Wasn't what I expected."
"Oh."
"Yeah..."
"Um, I--"
"Can we talk?"
Souji isn't used to being interrupted by Yosuke, but even more than that, the interruption confuses him, and Souji stands, walking to his window and glancing down the street. It's not as if he's expecting to see fog, no, of course not, but it almost feels nostalgic already, being on the phone with Yosuke after sundown like this. He can't help being a smart-ass sometimes. "Aren't we already talking?"
"Shut up," Yosuke sighs, and though it doesn't quite cut through their tension, Souji feels it dwindle in that moment, like they're really just a few streets away and Yosuke could run over and smack him if he wanted to. "Um, please?"
Souji hums an affirmation into the phone, but before Yosuke gets anywhere with replying, there's a knock at the door. A welcome home greeting from a neighbor, Souji figures, although he can't say he's looking forward to any of that as he trots to the front door, apartment still empty as he waits for his parents' return. "Hold on one second?" He holds the phone away from his mouth as he opens the door, but the second he does, he snaps his phone shut completely, stuffing it in his pocket with a blank stare as Yosuke stands before him, gripping a now heavily wrinkled sheet of paper that Souji recognizes without a second glance.
"This is what I think it is, isn't it..." It's more of a knowing accusation than a question, and though Souji's taken aback by that being the first thing out of Yosuke's mouth, he's almost endeared by the straightforward lack of tact.
"Probably," Souji admits, taking a couple of steps back and opening the door wide for Yosuke, a silent invitation of entry and a shocked sequence of blinks towards his friend as he takes it, striding tentatively past him into the cold room, lit by nothing but moonlight and the burning redness of Souji's cheeks.
"I've been reading this over and over for hours now," Yosuke confesses, dropping what little sense of respectful distance he'd felt the need to keep in a house he'd never been to before and taking a seat on the couch as if it were the hundredth time he'd done so. But Souji follows just as naturally, taking a seat in the adjacent chair of his more western styled living room, noting that Yosuke is the only thing about this that doesn't feel foreign after so long.
Souji's hand grips the arm of the chair on bated breath, staring at Yosuke with anticipation, eyes flickering between the sheet of paper ruffling through his fingers and the deeply thoughtful look on his face. "And?"
"Just, why?"
Why? Souji had never stopped to ask himself that question, nor had he expected it to come so bluntly. But it's simple enough. And Yosuke did come all this way, didn't he? He deserves the same kind of effort returned back. "I told everyone once. How I felt about you. I got a lot of questions why, and I... I never planned on showing that to anyone but I kept thinking of more reasons. I wanted to keep track of them somehow."
"How you feel about me?" Yosuke's eyebrows knit together through Souji's explanation, hooking onto that phrase above all others and seemingly mulling it over.
A nod. Effort, Souji reminds himself, and in a grave effort, attempts to muffle the screaming in his head with a verbal replacement. "I like you."
Whatever Yosuke's initial reaction to that is, he doesn't show it on his face, and Souji feels a sense of relief prematurely wash over him, thankful at least to know it doesn't immediately send him running like he thinks it may have a year ago. The idea alone would have kept him from coming at all if it had offended him enough, after all.
"Can I have that back, Yos--?"
"You noticed so many things about me that I didn't even know I was doing." Yosuke ignores him, leaning back on the couch and hovering his thumb over a few points in particular, though Souji can't read which ones from where he's sitting. "These are all things you like?"
It's beginning to frustrate Souji that Yosuke won't look him in the eye, so he takes it upon himself to pull the paper from Yosuke's hands and fold it neatly once more, stuffing it in his pants -- and not the pockets; that would be too easy.
"H-hey, that's--!" Unfair, probably, but Yosuke doesn't get that far, ears reddening out of embarrassment due to the implications of that and the fact that he now has no choice but to look Souji in the eye or avoid him completely, neither of which are likely to be ideal for him. But he tries, locking his eyes onto Souji's shoulder. "I want to ask why, but you have enough reasons prepared that I'd just be asking for more embarrassment..."
Souji smiles at that, folding his hands over his lap and confidently standing his ground with his choice to go through with this. It's too late now to worry anyway, and nothing good could come of beating around the bush anymore.
"Were you just never going to tell me?" Yosuke surprises him once more, hurling a question like that at him before Souji even has a chance to address the last one.
"You seemed like you were happy as we were," Souji explains. "I was too. So I didn't see the point of risking that as long as I could keep it that way. I was happy to let it remain unrequited and unspoken as long as I didn't have to lose that. I still am."
Yosuke's face hardens, and softens, and twists and contorts, so many times that even with Souji trying his best at communicating telepathically or predicting his partner's internal monologue, he gets nowhere, having nothing more than guesses and worst-case scenarios slowly cranking his anxiety up. The screaming in his head begins to drown out the intensely long silence Yosuke is putting him through, and Souji's skin crawls as Yosuke's glance finally shifts from Souji's shoulder, to the bare skin where his shirt is hanging off of it, and forcibly up towards Souji's forehead, where Yosuke adamantly stares in what Souji can only assume to be his refusal to look anywhere else.
"Yosuke," Souji muses steadily. "Nothing has to be different. I'm happy to see you. And if you came all this way, you must be happy to see me, right? We can just leave it at that."
But the look on his face says Yosuke doesn't want to leave it at that, and for a moment, Souji's stomach churns, sending a signal to his brain that has him wanting to run, and--
"This felt easier before you got all sappy like that, partner," Yosuke chuckles, deflecting his nerves into laughter and shifting to the edge of the couch, properly angled towards Souji with a stern look. "Don't say anything. Nothing. Please?"
Confused but trusting, Souji nods once and falls silent, gaze fixed on Yosuke, as the brunet moves to sit next to him. Souji's heart races, but his head stills, eyes following Yosuke as he puts a hesitant hand on Souji's knee, and as his eyes dart in several directions before he closes them and the distance between them, pressing his lips against Souji's in a kiss not nearly as fearful as his words.
It's brief, a toe in the water, but the warm sensation of Yosuke's lips lingers on Souji's and makes them tingle even as Yosuke pulls back just far enough to finally meet Souji's eyes. They stare, the both of them, not saying a word. In all the languages he's studied, Souji has yet to find a word to describe the way Yosuke manages to send his head reeling and silence it at the same time, but even if he had, it would be no match for the way the entire space inside his skull seems to set itself on fire, beautifully so, as he stares back at Yosuke now, lips seeking their recent contact like those flames seek their oxygen.
And so it's Souji who closes his eyes the second time, arm resting behind Yosuke as he makes the move for a kiss, happy he doesn't have to fake his certainty about how much he wants it. Yosuke seems to appreciate that lack of fear, letting his former leader take charge like he used to. It makes it easier to play his own role confidently, letting his lips fall into place against Souji's and do their part, responding to Souji's calls two-fold, turning what had been a chaste kiss into a tender one, edging towards passionate -- but neither would use such words so easily.
Appropriately, it's Souji who breaks the kiss he started, and a strange kind of relief washes over Yosuke's face, accompanied by a deep breath he seems almost starved for. The toothy smile that shines across Souji's face hangs along side the heaving of his chest, a comforting amusement filling him as he reaches into his pants for his note and Yosuke puts his hands up in shock and protest. Blinking back at him, Souji holds up the paper as a reminder, and Yosuke visibly grumbles, head in his hands as he undoubtedly trips over the embarrassment of jumping to such R-rated conclusions already.
Souji quickly scribbles in something at the top of the backside of the page, and over his shoulder, Yosuke peers at it.
He's a really -- really good kisser.
"G-geez, dude," Yosuke's voice shakes. "You're so embarrassing."
Souji's grin melds itself into a smirk, ready to playfully gloat, but soon as he opens his mouth to speak, he discovers the invention of a dangerous weapon to be used against him, as Yosuke silences him with another kiss.
Later that night, -- much, much later, Souji turns over in his futon after Yosuke had headed to the bathroom, and scrambles across the floor for where he'd dropped his list in a scuffle (one he doesn't regret at all), and with a dazed, whimsical smile, tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth, he writes:
Did I mention his eyes?
His eyes
And that sound he makes when I
"You can't write that!!" Yosuke protests, sneaking a peek over Souji's shoulder and swiftly ripping the horrifically wrinkled sheet from under Souji's pen and staring, mortified, at the words that almost made their way into the page. It leaves a long squiggled line where Souji’s pen had remained pressed to the paper as it was ripped from him, but Souji might later think that adds to what he was trying to say anyway. "Imagine if someone found this!"
Souji rolls onto his back and stretches both of his arms out, first above his head and then straight into the air, reaching for the page. "You know, even if you take that, nothing will stop me from writing it down. So can you just give it back?"
"Seriously?" Yosuke wonders aloud, and Souji nods up at his friend, who has unintentionally straddled Souji's body below him in his attempts to steal the incriminating evidence from his hands. "You've already got me, what do you need this thing for now?"
"What did you just say?" Souji questions immediately, ears hooked on the idea that clenches itself onto his chest, and there is awe in his eyes as Yosuke casually pushes the paper back into his partner's hands, lying down next to him with a shrug.
"You heard me! Don't make me say things like that..."
It's almost too much for Souji, how happy that makes him, despite -- no,because of Yosuke's rush to shrug it off out of embarrassment. And in one more act of defiance, he scribbles a final note for the night and rolls over to forcibly trap the other male in a hug he can't escape -- and doesn't try to.
He's mine