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Azul was supposed to have a great day. He'd planned to go to the "Modern Foodservice" exhibition, bought tickets in advance, and had been really looking forward to it. Of course, he was a regular visitor there. But it would have been nice to network with people who'd been in the restaurant business for a long time and make a name for himself.
Even if he'd been ignored, there were still plenty of other things at the exhibition to pay attention to. The latest technology, unique food additives and flavor enhancers, everything that could prove useful for Mostro Lounge and the other restaurants he'd open someday.
It was also nice that Idia had agreed to go with him.
Idia! His shut in boyfriend had agreed to go with him to a big event! Wasn't that a miracle?
They would have had a great time together, then picked up some takeout and continued their date in Idia's room. Because he'd been so sweet as to agree to come (and maybe build a couple of the machines they'd seen for Azul. Because a talent like that should be put to use, and Azul knows how.)
But of course, it was too good to be true.
Instead of a pleasant date, Azul is arguing with his boyfriend, who decided to cancel everything at the last minute.
"I—I'm sorry... I'm really sorry..." Idia says in his own defense.
"Oh, so now you're sorry? You dragged me into this and now you're sorry?!"
"I am, I just... I didn't have the energy to go, it's not your fault."
"That's all you have to say, Idia?" Azul bares his teeth. "You never have enough energy to go anywhere. But of course, it's my fault for dragging you along! Not yours for canceling everything!"
"I—" Idia opens his mouth but can't find the strength to continue.
「I’m not able to continue this conversation right now」the tablet says aloud for him. Idia pulls his knees to his chest and hunches over, as if trying to make himself smaller.
This is insufferable.
He's always like this.
So pathetic, one word would break him.
So pathetic, it makes you want to break him.
"Of course you are. Of course you'd avoid a real conversation. You can always wave it aside and pretend it never happened."
「I'm sorry」 the tablet says again, in the same flat tone. Idia nervously looks away.
"Do you think pretending to admit you're wrong can fix everything?"
「...」 Three dots freeze on the screen. Idia, obviously, has nothing to say. All he does is get on Azul's nerves, then play the victim.
"Do you think you can manipulate me?"
"Please leave me alone—"
Azul lets out an ugly sound, a mix of a laugh and a sob.
He's an idiot, right? What does he even want from Idia? Of course Azul's interests don't matter to him.
Idia is exactly as he's always been.
Idia... manipulates?
Azul doesn't know...
Azul doesn't even know what to think. What is he feeling right now? He's angry, but overwhelmed with guilt.
Is Idia doing this on purpose?
"Should I feel guilty for pressuring someone this pathetic?"
"Would Idia want me to feel this way?"
A million thoughts race through his head.
Idia could have asked for anything, and Azul would have given him everything. But Idia isn't the type to put in the effort, is he?
And there's the answer.
Azul leaves without saying a word. His shoes sound quieter against the floor as he walks further and further away.
Idia has a remarkable talent for irritating people. His shut-in personality can shift in an instant to rude jerk and back again. Azul had always found that weird. As if two different personalities coexisted within him. Was it a sign? Had he been pretending all this time?
Pretending to be weak in order to strike from ambush is a common tactic among sea creatures, so it must be the same for land dwellers too.
It's not about one fight. Not about one day. This happens every single confrontation between them.
Idia does something that drives Azul up the wall and then immediately apologizes. So much so it begins to lose its meaning.
Maybe all this time, he never actually felt remorse? Never felt any regret, because Azul always forgave him?
Maybe Idia had been lying to him all this time? Every single time?
Had he been lying about loving Azul?
Or is Azul looking for deception where there is none?
Could Idia possibly have had some evil plan all along? Idia, who was too afraid to even announce his presence? Would he have been able to deceive him?
Even if he tried, he wouldn't have been able to... Right?
Azul bites his lip, an unpleasant feeling settling like a lump in his throat. He's overthinking...
When Azul looks around, he realizes he's reached the hall of mirrors.
Unfortunately, in such a pathetic state, he doesn't feel capable of going to the exhibition. But he knows the business that always helps him feel better.
Azul touches the cold glass with his hand and steps forward.
Holding onto his sorrow, Azul straightens his uniform and tucks away the stray strands of hair. Unfortunately, he can't fix his makeup, though he's sure his face looks terrible.
Idia managed to ruin his entire day, didn't he? One single argument was enough to throw him off balance.
Azul is so weak towards him... That's what trusting one person has done to you.
A nervous laugh escapes his lips as he enters Mostro Lounge. It's quiet here. The jazz music soothes octomer. And Azul certainly won't let his guard down when there are so many people around.
Floyd and Jade eye him with curiosity. They probably thought he'd gone to the exhibition. Not like they were entirely wrong, the octomere was supposed to return by closing time if everything had gone according to plan.
Azul strides confidently into the VIP room, as if it was the plan. As if everything is going exactly as he'd intended.
He sits down at his desk and begins sorting through a pile of papers. Since he's rescheduled all his meetings, he can fully focus on making profiles without any distractions.
Taking a deep breath, he immerses himself in work.
He starts going through the list of potential clients.
He knows it's better to prepare in advance. People are much easier to deal with, if you know their weaknesses beforehand.
Student A seems to want to improve his history grades to prove something to classmates. That can be used.
Student B ruined a valuable alchemical ingredient and would give a lot to make the matter go away. Good to know.
Poor soul C got caught on camera insulting Leona. Azul's face spreads into a calculating grin only thinking about helping the poor student.
Poor soul D, it seems, naively trusted his upperclassmen and is getting detention instead of them. A perfect source for new information.
The octopus sorts through the information he's gathered himself and reads what Jade managed to find. Something inside him begins to calm down.
This is probably bad. No, that's not it. This is bad. Looking for people's weaknesses is wrong, but is it really terrible? He's not going to use them, not right now. He'll use them only when they start being a threat. Azul must always be ready to strike first.
The octopus cannot allow them to hurt him.
Azul shouldn't have trusted him enough to let them hurt him.
Azul brushes the thought away.
If people find out about his weaknesses, they'll attack the same way. Azul knows he needs to project an image of absolute authority, because this's the only way they won't be able to hurt him.
Azul let his emotions get the better of him, and that's caused his defeat.
Azul can't get it out of his head.
Knowing other people's weaknesses helps him feel a little better.
Helps him feel safe.
It warms his corrupted heart.
He buries himself deeper in the papers, jotting down notes, finding connections between events. Doing everything to forget how miserable he truly is.
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This day had been awful. Idia was absolutely exhausted. Maybe, as Ortho had said, it was because of poor sleep, but Idia feels terrible no matter how much he sleeps, honestly.
He knows he says this often.
He knows he's tired and gloomy like all the time. Maybe part of it is his curse, or maybe he's just that kind of person. But waking up with self-hatred has already become a habit.
Nothing particularly special happened today, really. The third years had practical magic exams, and he had to leave his room and put up with those people.
Which was hard to do…
Seriously, people are so loud, so difficult to deal with. And Idia concentrates much better on his studies in the silence of his room, if he doesn't get distracted by a game notification, of course.
He was there, as he had been all week, but today it felt utterly unbearable. Throughout the week, he'd been required to use magic, draining his stamina. Which is incredibly difficult when part of your power is burned away by a damn curse, not to mention his terrible physical stats.
And of course, of course he got scolded for it. For not giving it his all, for not wanting to pass out from exhaustion. Normie judges everything so easily.
Seriously, what do those Savanaclaw students think they are? Saying something about weak herbivores, laughing like a pack of hyenas.
And maybe, if he were stronger, Idia would have said something. But he felt like he was being poked with a stick like a bug and tried to blend into BG like an NPC.
And it exhausted him so much. He doesn't know why. It was a pathetic little interaction. It was stupid and all that. But he still couldn't function normally under their gazes.
By the end of the classes, he didn't feel capable of leaving his room. Especially not for some stupid exhibition Azul had dragged him to, one with a ridiculously huge crowd... Even if Azul really wanted to go, even if Azul insisted, he couldn't do it. Not now.
So he texted he wasn't coming.
Of course, Azul couldn't let it go so easy.
He rushed to Ignihyde, started pounding on his door, and demanded an answer.
"Idia?"
He didn't respond.
"Are you okay?"
He stayed silent.
"You can't be serious! I know you're there!"
Idia could only bury himself deeper in his blankets to muffle the noise.
"Idia, I swear to Sevens, if you don't come out right now, I'll have to drag you out," Azul says through gritted teeth.
Just leave me alone. If I'm not answering, it means I don't want to talk—what's so hard to understand?
"Idia, explain yourself!"
He won't. He can't or doesn't want to—doesn't matter.
But Azul isn't going to leave him alone—he insistently demands an answer. An answer that Azul definitely won't like.
Idia walks to the door and sits down with his back against the steel door.
"I'm not going," Idia says.
"Why not?"
"Just leave, please."
"You promised me, Idia," there was noticeable anger in Azul's voice.
"Then I'm taking it back," he said through gritted teeth. "Get someone else."
"It doesn’t make sense without you."
"What difference does it make whether I'm there or not? You were the one who wanted to go in the first place."
"That was the whole point! I'm going with you! With my boyfriend!"
"Don't try to pull the boyfriend card, Azul! Instead, why don't you leave me alone like I'm asking?"
"Hah? Are you saying I should swallow this? Simply because you don't want to go? You can't keep avoiding people forever!" His tone made it obvious he was angry. It was so pointless.
"And I don't see why I should! I don't see why I have to go somewhere I won't go only because you say so! This was important to you, but I don't see you heading to the exhibition right now."
"Are you saying I forced you?"
"Are you saying I was the one who bought the tickets? Are you saying I was the one who conveniently came and offered to go?"
"Fine. So that's how it looks to you. You are always a victim, are you? Think you can twist everything around and I'll take this?!" Azul slammed his fist against the door so hard Idia felt it on the other side. "So convenient to hide behind a door whenever it suits you, huh?"
Idia flinched and opened the door, if Azul wanted to argue instead of going, then why not.
"Hah, and here you are, still standing here wasting your precious time on a fight when you could have already gone to the exhibition you keep going on about!"
"The same exhibition you agreed to go to! You knew it was important to me!" Azul took a few angry steps forward to jab his finger at Idia's chest. "Did you know how carefully I planned out our whole day? How I was waiting for your support during my presentation? Did you know I picked out the halls with industrial equipment because I thought that would be interesting for us both? How I wanted you to get involved with the work for the Lounge to share something important to me with you?"
"Oh, right, so me working for you should brings us closer? Perfect. The best. How convenient to change my role to mechanic and call it 'boyfriend.' thing"
"Are you serious right now?" Azul lifted his head, looking him straight in the eyes. For some reason, he looked unusually fragile at that moment. There was a gloss in his eyes, the kind which only comes from tears.
"I—I'm sorry... I'm really sorry..." Idia could only beg for forgiveness.
Azul won’t forgive him. He shouted and cursed. And Idia couldn't even find the strength to respond, all he could do was apologize endlessly. And when the words wouldn't come, he reached for his tablet.
Idia doesn't even know why he said all that.
Arguments constantly drain all strength out of him. He can be rude, can be arrogant, but after every outburst of anger inevitably comes exhaustion, and before he realises it, he's crying. He always runs away, when he thinks he can't handle it. At least he tries to.
But there's nowhere to run from his own room. All he can do is ask Azul to leave. In a barely trembling voice. Admitting that's all his fault.
And... Azul is really angry.
Azul might hate him.
How could Idia push away the only person who ever cared about him? Ignihyde houswarden endured being laughed at by others, only to take it all out on the one he loves?
Idia climbs onto the bed and burrows deep under the covers.
It's warm, dark and safe there.
Maybe he could sleep, and then
Then he wouldn't have to think how terrible he is.
Everyone he cares about constantly suffers because of him.
Ortho always has to piece him back together so he can do things any normal person should be able to do but Idia.
Azul has to put up with his quirks, has to spend his precious time on him, time that Azul has carefully scheduled down to the minute.
And...
And he, who has suffered so much. He who can't even scold him right now.
Idia bursts into tears. It hurts, it's nauseating, and unfortunately, he's still alive.
A nervous laugh escapes his lips.
He's pathetic. He’s a psycho.
How can he even live when he's this pitiful?
How can he treat close people so roughly?
He should probably beg Azul for forgiveness on his knees. Should chase after him, repentant.
But he can't find the strength to do it. Even if a thousand thoughts race through his head, not a single word comes out.
Idia hugs his own shoulders in a stupid imitation of hug and bites his lip. His sharp teeth immediately draw blood, and it jolts him back to reality just a little.
He can't fix anything.
Maybe he shouldn't even try.
Azul should leave him here. Before he gets hurt too much...
Idia almost wants to end it all right here and now. Death always seems like a good plan B, the only thing stopping him was the pain.
And maybe Ortho, whom he didn't want to leave. Though his brother already capable of taking care of himself...
Idia wants to stop thinking. To crack open his skull and pull out his brain so he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. But he knows another way.
He reaches for his tablet and finds his headphones on the nightstand next to his bed. He puts on some Premo music to drown out the thoughts and immerses himself in the plot of the new Final Star to occupy his overwhelmed brain.
And that's it. The flood of thoughts fades away. Nothing remains. No words, no thoughts.
It seems someone comes to see him in the evening, but Idia doesn't pay it any attention.
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Azul doesn't know how long he's been sitting in the VIP room, so focused he's lost track of time. So focused he flinches at the sudden knock on the door.
"Azul?" Jade's voice comes from behind the door. "Ortho wants to speak with you."
"Ortho?" Azul repeats involuntarily. Why would Ortho be looking for him? To apologize on behalf of his brother?
"It's me, Azul. I'd like to talk about the two of you, please," the robot's voice sounds somewhat sadly. A thought flashes through Azul's mind, the brothers are too alike.
"I'm busy."
"Please! I won't make excuses for anyone, I promise. I only want to explain," Ortho knocks on the door, fortunately not use much force. If he had to deal with another Shroud arguing with him, Azul would lose his mind.
"You have 5 minutes. Let him in, Jade."
"Oh. He's gone," Ortho says, and Azul honestly should have expected that. "I'm coming in."
Ortho enters the VIP room and stops in front of the desk.
"I don't want to make excuses for him, but maybe you could try to understand him," Ortho looks directly into Azul's face, leaving the merfolk with an unpleasant feeling of being seen right through. "Idia gets like this sometimes. It's concerning, of course. But the main thing is to get through this moment. It's better not to disturb him. I promise everything will be fine. He'll make it right. I'd like you to give him some time. Let him explain everything."
Tch. Azul wants to burst into his room, wants to shake the truth out of Idia. And at the same time, he wants to hide, wants to run away and never see him again.
This isn't right.
Neither the first nor the second option sounds reasonable.
But if he can't do that... then what can he do? Frustration fills him up.
The octopus remembers their argument—how Idia's voice sounded tired and pitiful, as if one word would be enough to crush him.
Maybe that's exactly what happened. Azul could have left him alone. Could have—but didn't.
He...
Azul truly feels terrible. He wants to be angry because he's been hurt. But he can't. Instead, he feels guilt and disgust. He probably shouldn't have said those words he should have been more understanding of his boyfriend's situation.
And at the same time, he wants to scold Ortho! How can he indulge this state? Idia, whether he likes it or not, will have to do unpleasant things. Everyone has to interact with people and he's no exception!
This mixture of emotions is exhausting him terribly.
"I'll visit him this evening. Don't worry, Ortho”
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He arrives at Ignihyde late in the evening. Since Azul hadn't left the college, he'd made closing Mostro Lounge his priority.
And since he was at Mostro Lounge, he brought some food for Idia.
Knowing the blue-haired boy, he probably hadn't eaten all evening. So such a gift would come in handy.
When he approaches the Ignihyde housewarden's room, he knocks a couple of times. This time it's not as rough as it was in the morning.
After receiving no response, he calls Idia. And fortunately, he picks up.
Part of the resentment still lingers, but he carefully suppresses it and tries to speak calmly. "Open the door, please." A simple sentence leaves his lips.
He hears clumsy footsteps behind the door, and somehow the anger and resentment begin to fade.
"Azul..." Idia says, as if he can't believe he actually came. "I'm sorry, I swear, I didn't mean to."
"Idia, do not," Azul says, and perhaps the disgust toward these constant apologies shows on his face, because Idia guiltily lowers his eyes. "Not like this, please. I don't want you to apologize to me, empty words mean nothing." Azul tries to express his intentions as clearly as possible; his negotiation experience should help him, as should Ortho's advice. "I want an explanation."
Oh." Idia takes his hand, carefully, as if Azul might push him away, and leads him deeper into the room. The steel door closes with a single button, leaving them in the silence of the room. "I... I don't know what to say. I don't know why I got so angry—I had no reason," he finally admits.
"You..." Azul bites his lip. He can be patient, he can draw this out of Idia, since the octopus has already come. Shroud must have had a reason. No way he was trying to get on Azul's nerves on purpose, right? Azul inhales through his nose and says, "Why did you decide to cancel everything?"
"Um... I wasn't feeling well," Idia lets out a miserable, incoherent sigh. He sits on the floor by the bed, and Azul sits down beside him. "I was uncomfortable going to classes, and yeah, yeah, it shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was. And I was exhausted by the end of the school day. So I texted ‘I’m not going’, so you could take someone else and not waste time waiting for me."
"You chose some pretty poor words for that."
"Heh, you know I'm bad at this. Like, at communication... feelings too..." Idia lowers his head to his knees, hunched over uncomfortably. He says guiltily, "I really didn't mean to."
And Azul sighs, because he still can't shake the feeling that these apologies mean nothing.
"You know, when you texted me, I thought something bad had happened," Azul also pulls his knees up to himself. They're actually quite similar. "I thought maybe if I heard it from you I’d understand. But you didn't explain anything, so it made no sense to me."
"I'm really sorry," Idia continues to apologize, in a pitiful voice, but this time the octomer notices a barely perceptible tremor. Azul places his hand on Idia's, and the long, slender fingers relax.
"I'm sorry I yelled. Sort of. Although I think I'm still angry."
"You don't have to apologize."
"I want to. Even if you've apologized enough for the both of us," Azul lets out a chuckle.
"I'm really sorry, you know? Well, maybe you do know... okay..." Idia also lets out a chuckle and finds the strength to look Azul in the face. "I'd like to make it up to you," he says and looks away soon.
"That's better than apologies."
"Got it."
"You should stop apologizing for everything."
"Got it."
"You should explain your intentions better."
"I... will," Idia says in a doubtful tone. But Azul files that away and is ready to hold him to his word next time.
"And... what are your terms?"
"Hm?"
"Well, feel free to tell me if I’ve bothered you. It seems like I'm lecturing you."
"You kinda are," Idia lightly nudges him with his shoulder. "I'd like people didn't bother me when I ask them not to bother me."
"Mm. I'll try," Azul clicks his tongue and admits it's not fair. "I will."
Azul rests his head on Idia's shoulder and catches a glimpse of his hair turning pink.
"Azul?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you go?"
"I didn't go..."
"Do you think they're still selling tickets?"
"Possibly," Azul smirks, knowing very well they're still on sale. But he wants to hear Idia's offer first.
"I'll buy them, if that's okay," a spark of sincerity flickers in his eyes, and a crooked smile appears on his face. "I owe you, right?"
"Definitely."
"I'll reimburse the tickets."
"Obviously" a grin spreads across Azul's face. "And what about my moral compensation?"
"Whehe," Idia makes that soft, chiming laugh. "Am I going to be forced to sign a contract?"
"I don't force anyone. People usually come to me on their own," Azul can't resist poking Idia in the shoulder.
"How much will it cost me for you to stay?" Idia takes his hand and stands up, pulling Azul up with him. The octomer loses his balance and falls onto the bed, with Idia lying down right after him.
"Let me think, hmm..." Azul says with a playful note. "Will you go with me?"
"Yes."
"And build what I need?" His blue eyes carefully watch Idia's expression.
"Uh..."
"A genius, Idia Shroud, can't—"
"I'll do it," he quickly gives in and buries his face in Azul's chest.
"Deal."
With a wave of his magic pen, Azul changes into his pajamas and settles into a more comfortable position.
"I love you," Idia looks him in the eyes, and there's so much tenderness in his gaze and Azul wants to believe him.
"I love you," escapes from somewhere deep in the merfolk's chest. Azul threads his fingers through the blue hair and enjoys the warmth that doesn't burn. Idia himself reaches for his hand and closes his eyes. "Don't fall asleep."
"Mm."
"I brought you food. Please eat."
"Mm. Later."
Azul knows Idia won't do it, but he can't blame him. They're both too comfortable to get up.
