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“how long has it been since we were last here?” kai asks, his fingertips softly grazing the tall blades of grass as two bodies temporarily create dents of their existence; calm and unwavering.
taehyun heaves a sigh, something that’s content and free. “years, maybe? oh, look. the willow tree.” he points with a finger and glances at kai, playfully tagging his shoulder as they both dart in the direction of it.
their laughter is light, their bodies, too. the soft crunch of their footsteps echoes beneath them, sunlight pouring down their backs in gentle ripples.
once they arrive in the shade, they waste no time pressing the flesh of their palms against the trunk. rough, hard and deeply ridged. the same as it has always been. unchanging and immortal.
“i think i put it too high.” kai mumbles, mostly to himself as his eyes check every crevice for the mark of their initials.
“it’s around here somewhere.” taehyun shakes his head, perking up the second his fingers feel a smooth, continuous dip. “here! right here.” he yanks kai’s wrist. “feel it?”
“yeah.” kai says, a small smile tugs at the ends of his lips. “want to do the honors?”
by the time he looks over, taehyun already has the pocketknife in his hands. “step aside.”
kai chuckles, backing off and decides to make himself useful in other ways. he gathers their belongings and shakes everything out. a blanket to sit on, food nearing the expiration, water, and books that he knew by heart.
he sits down, not in the slightest minding the way his back is being jabbed and small pieces of bark landing on his shoulders as taehyun recarves their names.
“i can’t hear the water. think it dried up?”
“i wouldn’t be surprised if it did.” taehyun responds, blowing away the dust. “we can check as soon as i'm done.”
“take your time.” kai pleads, unhurried. “it’s the only thing we have left.”
he hears taehyun snort somewhere above him. “you’re so funny.”
“remind me why we got naked before checking if there was water.”
kai crosses his arms. “pure adrenaline?”
taehyun rolls his eyes at him before bending down. “it looks deep enough. what do you think?”
kai shrugs, placing a foot in the water. it’s nice and cool. he hums in approvement and walks further out.
once he gets a good distance, he hears taehyun laughing. wondering what was so funny, he looks down and sees the water come to the height of his waist and kai deflates, but he can’t help but smile.
“hey,” he raises his voice loud enough for taehyun to hear. “am i going to enjoy this huge lake all by myself?”
“why not? you’re doing a great job so far.”
taehyun opts to sit on the ledge of the dock, submerging his feet in the water and kai walks over to him. slowly and a little clumsy. he rests his forearms on top of the surface. he nudges taehyun’s knee with his elbow.
“hm?”
“i missed this place.” kai murmurs.
he feels a hand petting the top of his head. he flutters his eyes. he turns his head, sees taehyun bathed in sunlight and comfort. warm and safe.
“me, too.”
they’re pressed against each other. shoulder to shoulder. skin to skin. blanket wrapped around them. heads resting together. controlled breaths mixing with the chilly air. crickets are chirping, faint lullabies of birds.
“do you think we can still make it?” taehyun wonders. his fingers bush over kai’s arm. calculated and sweet.
“if we leave early in the morning, we should be fine.”
“good. that’s good.”
kai goes quiet. “what if we—just stay here, then?”
“can we do that?” taehyun whispers. his voice is crumbling. “won’t they be mad at us?”
“there’s no guarantee that they’ll be there. what if they forgot?”
taehyun sucks in a sharp inhale. trying to keep it together. his thoughts. his composure. kai wishes he wouldn’t do that around him.
“but what if they didn’t. what if they’re there right now, waiting for us?”
“and if they’re not?”
taehyun grips kai’s hand.
“then we come back.”
kai and taehyun are filled with silence when they approach the meet-up spot. a tattered tent. scattered, thin blankets. wrappers and half-empty bottles of water dance along the pavement when the winds pick up.
no one was here. except for them.
“maybe we beat them here.” taehyun suggests, clearing his throat from the hurt and worry. “we always were the first ones to arrive.”
kai doesn’t know how to tell taehyun about the letter he found after they sat around for a few hours. the paper was worn. crumpled. kai nearly mistook it for trash until he recognized the handwriting.
he folded it. tucked it into his back pocket. hoped that waiting here and saving taehyun’s hope was the right thing to do. thought that taehyun would do the same thing if the roles were reversed.
the sun was rising. the pair side by side, gazing off into the distance. the city was still beautiful during this time. untouched. serene.
they all used to gather here. to celebrate. to cry. to be consoled. praised. to not be alone. they would bring snacks, games, and just talk for hours into the night.
they shared secrets. tears. hardships. hugs. every time they met here, it was a memory so precious, nothing and no one could taint it. their youth and friendship surpassed years.
which is why the guilt that took form in kai’s pocket began to feel too heavy when he saw how anxious taehyun was becoming. his shifty eyes at every ruffle the branches would make. the way he held his hands together, his nails leaving light indents.
“taehyun.” kai said, praying that his voice was silver enough. “they aren’t coming.”
“what?”
kai stands behind him. defeated.
he pulls out the paper. hands it to him.
taehyun reads it. reads it again. again.
“okay.” he speaks. a little broken. “okay.”
they stay for a couple more hours. just in case.
“kind of funny how things work,” taehyun starts, plucking the tiny yellow flowers as they sit across from one another. kai looks at him, expectant. “soobin and his mom hate each other. yeonjun and his dad promised to never cross paths. beomgyu and his brother swore they would kill each other the next time they ever met.”
kai hangs his head. sees a ladybug crawling on his pant leg. “yeah.”
“do you think our parents would have wanted us to be with them, too?”
kai shrugs. he’s never really given it a thought until now.
“maybe. if you have second thoughts, we can go back. it’s not too late.”
taehyun’s biting the skin of his inner cheek. contemplating. pondering. kai’s thankful for that.
“i don’t know.” he ends up saying. craning his neck to let the sun kiss his face. “do you want to go back?”
“i think they wouldn’t care too much if i was there or not.”
“what about your little sister?”
“what about her?” kai mumbles, feelings his brows knit closer together. a frown weaves over his mouth. “she’s the whole reason i left.”
taehyun stares at him for a few solid seconds.
“you’re still mad at her?”
kai sighs. “i never asked her for anything. the one time i did, she couldn’t keep her mouth shut.”
“she was still little. she didn’t understand. besides, that was a long time ago.”
“yeah, well,” kai can’t come up with a retort. “whatever.”
from the corner of his eye, taehyun is smiling.
“what was it like?”
“what was what like? having the fear of god put inside me when my parents heard?”
“kissing a boy.”
kai can’t tell if his face is hot because of the sun or because of the way taehyun genuinely seems interested in the topic at hand.
he sputters. “oh. um. i don’t know.”
“what’s that supposed to mean?” he gives him a pointed look.
“it means i don’t know. we never got that far. we just felt each other up a little bit.” the ladybug is now walking the expanse of kai’s index finger. “we didn’t get to kiss.”
“do you think it feels the same as kissing a girl?”
“who knows.”
the ladybug parts its wings and flies away.
“it was nice of them to leave us food and some water.” kai notes, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “they must have came on the first day.”
“seems that way.” taehyun agrees. “i’m sad we didn’t get to see them.”
“i know. me, too.”
they were walking around the lake when they felt the earth rumble. it was short. lasted seconds. hardly noticeable if they weren’t paying attention.
they froze in their tracks. their hands clasping together.
“whoa.”
“that felt weird.”
after a few more minutes, it settled down. the air. the atmosphere. their racing hearts.
hands still locked. fingers still threaded.
kai heard taehyun crying in the middle of the night.
he places a hand over his shoulder.
“do you want to go back? it’s okay if you do.”
taehyun doesn’t speak. just nods his head once.
he’s scared.
kai understands.
taehyun had a loving family. his mother and father thought the world of him, as they should have.
which is why kai couldn’t help but to think as of why he joined him on his little trip of exploration.
so, he asked.
“why not?” taehyun countered. “i have fun when i’m with you.”
“that’s good.” kai responded. “that’s nice.”
after a few beats, “are you mad at me?”
“why on earth would i ever be?” kai raised a brow at him. a scoff of disbelief slipping out. “just because you’re homesick? yeah, right. give me a little more credit.”
“i feel bad.” taehyun says. voice rough from strain. “you’ll stay with us, won’t you?”
kai had a feeling this was going to be brought up, and since he’s no good at lying, or prolonging the truth, he answers with honesty. blunt. curt.
“no,” he says. “i think i’ll go back to the meadow. make a tent out of those big leaves we found. it’ll be fun.”
“you’ll be alone.”
“that’s okay.” kai glances over his shoulder at taehyun with a reassuring smile.
taehyun’s parents were in tears when they arrived. running and stumbling off their porch to embrace their child. cupping his face. examining any non-existent injury.
“i’m fine.” taehyun inveighs.
his parents shake their heads, hold him close and glare at kai.
“you should be ashamed of yourself, young man. what on earth were you thinking?”
“mom!”
kai feels his neck tense up. “i’m sorry.”
“you should be.”
kai doesn’t take any offence to their words. if a parent loves their kid, it’s expected of them to scold and be disappointed. kai catches taehyun’s eyes before he disappears inside his house, one last time.
“it was fun, thank you.” kai says to him. unsure if his voice was strong enough to reach his ears. “take care.”
the meadow calmed him. it swayed and smelt like the first day of spring that was stuck in an endless loop.
kai’s alone, but he grins and bears it. tries to lighten his empty mood by scavenging organic supplies from nature to make his tent. or at least a roof over his head.
he gathers sticks and bindings from the land. it’s healthy and it’s strong. like the person he used to be.
after carefully knotting the last bit, he takes a step back and analyzes his work. it’s crooked but holding. kai chuckles to himself, hands on his hips.
it’s a complete eyesore, but it was rewarding. accomplishing something on his own. he thinks taehyun would have made a comment about it, too, if he were still here.
he also thinks soobin would complain about the lack of space. yeonjun would try to fix it better. beomgyu would be laughing off to the side.
damn.
it’s too quiet.
the sky is painted with pastel clouds and an angry pink sun that glows a harsh white. it bathes the world in a deep, grainy film that hurts the eyes of those who can’t distinguish right from wrong.
kai’s at the lake again. swishing the water with his feet with his back against the deck.
it’s warm. not humid. the dry heat that makes his skin feel like it’s simmering. the water level shrunk somewhere in the night. evaporated. it’s probably to his knees, now.
his roof caved, too. one of the strings snapped and woke kai up with wide eyes and a gentle slap to the face.
he had a feeling it would happen, so he wasn’t surprised in the slightest. at least it gave him something to work on while he pretended being alone didn’t bother him.
yeah.
this is fine and he’s okay.
he hopes taehyun is, too.
kai laughs to himself.
he looks a little crazy.
sitting under the a red sun.
the world pauses.
the birds fall from the sky like bullets.
the plants and trees hold their breath.
the flowers wither.
kai’s decided.
the second day was almost as beautiful as the first.
he couldn’t take it anymore.
being by himself.
he’s running back to the direction of taehyun’s house. he’s out of breath, and his ribs are crackling from overextension. he keeps coming to a stop because the pain outweighs his urgency to be selfish.
maybe that’s why he was so fond of taehyun, because they’re alike in many ways. their co-dependence. their lack of imagination.
they’re drawn to each other. close friends. empathetic.
then, taehyun calls out his name. pressing a hand to his side because he was hurting, too. but he’s smiling. his eyes are gleaming. he’s waving his hand in the air even though kai sees him, yards away.
“hey,” kai gasps. “you’re late.”
taehyun rolls his eyes. pulls him into a hug.
“my bad.” he holds up his wrist. “my watch broke.”
“i keep telling you to fix it. it’s just bad manners at this point.”
“do your parents know?”
“they locked me inside my room but forgot about the window.”
kai shares the bottle of water. it smells and tastes like burnt plastic but it was better than nothing.
“amateurs.”
“i still can’t wrap my head around it.”
“around what?”
“beomgyu was right.” kai says. deliberately hooking his pinky finger over taehyun’s. “he said the world was going to get sick one day and when it does, it’ll have no choice but to kill the virus.”
taehyun sighs. “we should have never laughed about it.”
“i bet he’s laughing right now.”
“crossing his arms and everything.” taehyun adds. “that lovable jerk.”
kai has his back turned to grant taehyun the privacy of bathing himself in the lake.
water is sloshing. kai thinks if he concentrates, he can hear the droplets of water gliding smoothly down the curve of taehyun’s spine.
his tips of his ears feel warm but he dismisses it.
“will you hand me my clothes, please?”
kai extends his hand behind him. screwing his eyes shut for good measure.
taehyun doesn’t comment about it. says thank you. grabs them. gets dressed.
they sit together on the dock. invading space. ignoring the tremble of their numb lips.
“i’m sorry for what my parents said to you.”
“don’t be.”
“i tried telling them. that i left on my own. you had nothing to do with it.”
they’re facing each other. the breeze picks up but there’s no chill to it. no excuse to use.
kai adjusts his arm to better support his head.
“i did guilt-trip you, sort of.”
taehyun cracks a smile. boyish. charming.
“yeah because telling me not to follow you really brought me to tears.”
kai hums. “i knew it.” a beat. “i just don’t want you to regret doing this.”
“i don’t.” taehyun says, sure. “i won’t. i wrote them a letter. i think i just wanted to see them one last time.” his hand finds kai’s. “i was always going to come back to you.”
no more food, very little water and there they were chasing each other with the biggest smiles on their faces. as happy as they were when they arrived here.
kai’s laughing as taehyun wraps his arms around his waist and lifts him up to settle him on the ground.
indescribable, is what kai thinks as taehyun hovers over him. his eyes alight. his smile just as sweet.
he feels his own smile fade the closer taehyun gets. the tips of their noses brush and taehyun’s fingers tangle in kai’s hair on top of his head.
kai grips a handful of grass in his fist. heart pounding. he’s sure taehyun wouldn’t mistake it.
then, taehyun pulls away.
kai sits up.
their legs are overlapping.
their eyes locked.
“it’s okay.” kai tells him. “it’s really okay.”
taehyun hangs his head. covers his face with his hands.
kai repositions himself. slings an arm over his shoulders and pulls him close.
kai was was coming back from checking the lake. there was still some water there. not much. up to his calves. he saw that taehyun was looking at the tree.
“are you okay?”
“the willow is dying.” taehyun says.
and it was. it lost its color. it reminded kai of a photograph that’s been pressed inside a book and forgotten about somewhere in the attic of his house. changed. mortal.
kai takes a look around, now realizing that this secluded place in the middle of the forest once rich with vibrant green and sprinkles of pink, yellow and purple was stripped of life.
“it’s just tired.” kai tries, knowing it was futile, but taehyun was grateful for his effort. he hums.
“you’re right. it’s just tired. it needs to rest.”
“we’ll have to do the same soon. not much longer.”
their stomachs were aching. their throats were dry. they felt tired and heavy. running around caused harshness of breath. laughing took most of their energy.
all they could do was sit with their backs against the tree, listening to nothing but the dead summer wind that’s become too quiet to detect with their ears. only sense it by its ghost like touch upon their rough skin.
“what were you doing on the first day?” kai asks him, hoping that a conversation would distract them enough to stop thinking about food and water and everything in between.
“i was at the mall.” taehyun answers. “i was with my cousin. we were shopping for his dad’s promotion gift. he was really proud of him. wanted to get him new cufflinks, and a briefcase.”
kai turns his neck. watches as taehyun stares out to the meadow. his lips are dry. his voice is hoarse. his eyes were drooped. yet, for some reason, kai still believes he’s the closest thing he’ll ever get to knowing what love looks like as a human being.
“we were in the parking lot when the sky turned and the sun flickered. i dropped him off then went straight home. by the time i arrived, they had already boarded the windows and bolted new locks on the front door.”
“you must have been really scared.”
“kind of, yeah. weirdly enough, the sirens are what really set me off. the sound they make, it’s just—” taehyun shakes his head, puffing out his cheeks. “what were you doing?”
“waking up from a nap.” kai sighs. crossing one leg over the other. “everyone had gone to watch hiyyih’s ballet recital. i thought i was still dreaming when i saw it. they all got home much later. traffic, i’m guessing.”
“you were alone?”
“yeah, why?”
taehyun shrugs. “i don’t know. it sounds sad. were you scared, too?”
“i didn’t feel scared at that moment. i didn’t know what to think, either.” kai tilts his head. “when they got home, it was just a mess of them crying and screaming at each other. everyone was too on edge to notice i left.”
“shouldn’t you go back to them? check on them?”
it hasn’t crossed his mind. not once, since he ran away. freedom urging his legs to spring into action. the thought of not having to barricade himself in his room, or to hear the constant disappointment leaking from their eyes or mouths.
he doesn’t even miss them. like taehyun had missed his. the sun gave him this chance to live in this meadow, beside his friend. no expectations, no worries.
“i don’t want to.” kai ends up replying. “i’m happy here. just us.”
“are you sure? i’ll go with you.”
kai smiles a little. just a little.
“it’s fine. i’m okay. we’ll be alright.”
the wind freezes.
the earth cries.
the sky melts.
the willow tries to shield them.
taehyun has tears in his eyes. he pulls kai close to his chest. someone to hold. someone to comfort. someone to love, even for a little while.
kai closes his eyes. cheek smushed against a bony shoulder. he wraps his arms around taehyun’s bent knees.
“we’ll be okay.” kai whispers.
the third day is approaching.
“i wonder what it’s like.” taehyun thinks out loud, too tired to turn his head towards kai. they lay motionless, side by side. hands clasped. breaths shallow.
“what?” kai asks, mustering enough strength to speak. mouth full of cotton, stomach full of void.
“what it feels like to kiss someone you like. i never—” taehyun grunts. “i never got to kiss a girl before.”
kai quiets down. “me, neither. i bet it feels nice.”
“would you kiss me if i was a girl?”
kai holds back a whimper. whether it’s from the aching in his slow beating heart, or the way he tries to lift himself on one arm to look at taehyun, maybe everything; the weight of nothing, the incurable silence of the world hangs over them like a blanket of sorrow and loss.
“yeah, i would.” kai stutters. “can i kiss you?”
taehyun’s eyes flutter. weak. fragile. he may not have said so, but with the way he closes his eyes, kai takes it as permission.
he leans down, presses his lips against his. chapped. rough. uncertain, but meangingful and stuffed with all the emotions he never showed to others. kai pulls back, lays back down.
“i’m pretty bad, huh?” kai does his best to chuckle, but it’s cracked and saddened. “too bad. i was practicing.”
taehyun hiccups. he’s crying. “no. it was—really nice.”
their bodies twitch.
the earth rumbles.
the sky thunders a glamorous hue of blood.
“hey, you know, something?” kai starts, squeezing taehyun’s hand with every ounce of strength he has left. “i’m not scared. i’m actually really happy.” he takes a breath. ”to be here with you. to have you. you’re my best friend.”
taehyun’s quiet. maybe he made him cry more.
“taehyun?” he tries.
the earth cracks and wails.
“taehyun?”
the sun shrinks, bright pink and willow green.
kai’s vision blurs. tears streaming down either side of his temples.
“tae—”
the third day had finally come.