Chapter Text
Night had fallen upon a small town in Kansas. The church would be pitch black if not for the candles scattered throughout it. Regardless, some areas remained dark and unlit, despite the plentitude of lit wax candles. In a small unlit area of the church, I placed a wax candle on the ground—as there wasn’t any furnishing in this area. I take a match from the dusty matchbox and strike it against the patterned red side creating a bright flame. I light the candle and blow out the phoenix-colored flame before it threatens to burn the match to my fingertips. I rise and as I turn around I catch sight of Castiel. Both me and Castiel were considered to be newer additions to the church, however, Castiel had been around longer than me, maybe by a couple months or so.
I walk towards Castiel with a bit of excitement buried in me. Since I first came to the church it was Castiel who I first laid eyes on. Castiel who intrigued me the most despite the number of generous priests, deans, altar servers, and churchgoers I met. I was never sure why I felt that way.
I joined the church and was ordained a priest because it was what my father told me I had to do since the day my mother died. My father always firmly believed that my mother died because of demons. He would’ve gone insane if he wasn’t approached by Father Owens, the founder of this church, that day. He believed my dad and assured him the best way to combat demons and the supernatural was through God. He’d taught my father a few rituals and methods to protect humanity from any demonic beings. From that day forward, his life changed. And so did my brother’s and mine. He made sure the church and God was all Sammy and me ever knew. I didn’t want to disobey him, so I abided by the strict training, listened intently to his lectures, and went through with every wish and command he had for me. My brother did the opposite, maybe a couple months into training to be a priest, he and dad got into a fight. Sam wanted to do more. “Law”, that’s what he said he wanted to do. After the fight, Sammy stormed out and I never saw him again. I figure he’s probably studying to be a lawyer by now. Doing the smart, man-of-the-people stuff me and dad never got into. I kept going with priesthood, Sammy didn’t.
I’ll be honest, I don’t know if God exists. I know it’s ironic, I’m a priest and I'm not sure about God, but, I don’t know. I can’t seem to force myself to believe in the dude. You know, I see churchgoers praise and worship God all the time. They pray for God to take their burdens, relieve them of sickness and pain, or fix something broken, anything. They pray harder and longer and fight more wars in his name. And for what? So they could die of malaria? Leukemia? I see so much happiness when people talk about God. But all while there’s so much suffering and pain in this world. So why do I take the role of his follower? I couldn’t give a fattest fuck’s worth of an answer to you. Fear, maybe. Or maybe it's obedience to my father. Maybe it's both. Either way, I never backed out.
The mundane routine would’ve killed me off if it wasn’t for Cas. Sure, it’s a pain in the ass to dry my throat over hour long sermons. To talk with every church member with the utmost kindness and grace even when I’m not feeling it at all. To sit in the confessional booths and either hear the most boring, miniscule mistake for a confession or listen to some sick-fuck plead on his knees and utter the most stomach-churning sentences out of his mouth. But it was Castiel that brought some ease to my days. Seeing him makes me smile. He makes my burdens feel a whole lot lighter. He’s a little lacking in social skills to be honest. But I wouldn’t give him up for anything. All in all, he’s good company and that’s that.
I appreciate the man whole heartedly but… for some reason I always had these feelings around Cas. That feeling like your chest’s getting a bit tighter or like there’s a whirlwind down in your stomach. It’s nothing like love at all, that’s for sure. I mean I'm a sinner and God knows it. If dad—No, Father (John) Winchester—knew who I really was, a foul-mouthed, lustful, dishonorable sinner, he’d beat me until my skin changed colors. But I didn’t swing that way. I’ve been trying to figure out the shit I always had around Cas, but I couldn’t tell you what’s happening even if I wanted to. Can’t wrap my head around it.
As I approached Cas, I smiled widely, I couldn’t help it to be honest. “Father Castiel”, I began with a playful look on my face, “what…uhh…you doing?” I asked. “Hello, Father Dean. I’m helping the altar servers by lighting the last few candles in the church.” He responded back in his usual solemn tone.
“Glad you’re helping them out. Must be hard for them, balancing school and their responsibilities with the church."
“Yes. But, they seem to be doing well. I don’t mind helping out when I can though.” Castiel pauses for a moment holding the candle lighter above the wick, “It’s what God would have wanted.” Cas lights the last candle before turning to face me again.
There’s another pause before Cas speaks up again, “Is there anything you wanted to speak to me about?” I looked at Cas for a second before looking away and shrugging. “No, no. Just wanted to strike up some conversation. You don’t like conversation all of a sudden?”
“No, I do like talking with you, Father Dean. I just figured you maybe had a reason to talk to me other than small talk.”
I pause, “People talk to each other all the time without having some important topic to bring up. We’ve known each other for over a year now. I think it’d be nice to speak to each other casually every now and then.” I said, a little offended or hurt. “And, stop calling me Father Dean, for pete’s sake.”
Castiel looks at me with a thoughtful, almost dazed look. He averts his gaze before speaking, seemingly ashamed of the distance he’s incidentally placed, “I didn’t mean to offend you at all, Dean. I get used to the formalities we typically use in front of everyone else. I truly appreciate it when you speak to me. It makes me…happy, I would say, knowing you can speak to me casually. I’m grateful you trust me enough to converse with me this way.”
I blink a couple times before accepting Castiel’s heartfelt apology. “Y…Yeah. Glad you understand. Let’s keep it that way.” I smile awkwardly. I feel my cheeks warm up a bit. Castiel’s habits always stood within formalities and professionalism, but there were always these moments of shame when he found himself speaking that same way with me. I felt special that he wanted to loosen up a bit around me. Can’t say I’m not flattered.
I notice Castiel looking towards my now rosy colored cheeks. “Your cheeks. They’re a kind of pink color now. Why is that, Dean?” He says, oblivious as always. “No reason that you need to be worried about.” I say abruptly back in a stern voice. “We should head back home now.” I continue, “Moon’s been high in the sky for a while now.” He nods back in agreement.
We head to the back to change out of our cassocks. Castiel takes off the cassock, naked from the upper half now. As he neatly folds the garment, I observe him closely. He was pretty toned for a priest. My eyes went up and down. Suddenly, I notice Cas matching my gaze. I look away and begin to fold my own garment in quick time. Castiel’s gaze lingers on me for a bit before he returns his attention back to the cassock. He places the black garment carefully on a shelf. I do the same. I turn off the light once I see everything’s been put away. I open the backdoor for Cas and close it behind myself. It’s a full moon tonight. There’s a howl in the distance.
“Look’s like the werewolves are out tonight.” I grin, looking at Cas. He doesn’t respond. Instead I see him admiring the moon.
“Pretty, right?”
“Yes. I find God’s miracles to be so beautiful. The way it illuminates even this dark forest, gives sound to its silence, it's remarkable.”
I look down and give a small smile.
“Yeah…God and his miracles.”
Castiel looks at me as if he’s wondering why I don’t seem to feel that same child-like awe and wonder he feels. For a moment, I assume he’s going to speak up, but he doesn’t. Castiel returns his attention to the moon. I look at Castiel and that awe I saw in his blue eyes returns. I observe him in my own awe and curiosity. Like how the moon is to Castiel, Castiel is to me. A beautiful miracle that I can’t seem to understand why or how came into my life, but nonetheless a light I appreciate and bathe in. We stand for a while before I speak up.
“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, Cas.” I looked at Cas one last time. He’s still admiring the moon. I think about his eyes. “Your eyes match the sky right now.” I say, looking at him. He looks at me and tilts his head a bit, confused why I’m suddenly talking about his eye color. “Nevermind. Night, Cas.” I say.
“You too, Dean.” He responds back in a gentle but preoccupied tone. I nod back, and start walking towards my house.
“Don’t stand out there too long! I don’t want you to catch a cold.” I call out to him as I continue walking. He doesn’t respond. I keep walking for a little longer before stopping to look back. He’s gone. Damn, how does he always do this? You see him for one second and he’s gone the next. I sigh and start walking to my house again. I notice the handful of dried, dark red leaves scattered across the forest floor. It’s the middle of Fall. Mid October, specifically.
I make it back home and unlock the door with the house key from my pocket. I close it behind myself and embrace the new warmth surrounding me. I lock the door before heading to a candle on my nightstand. I take out a match from the drawer and light it. The light isn’t strong enough to illuminate the whole house, despite its small size, but it provides enough warm comfort for this area. I put away the matchbox and take a seat on my bed. I sit there pondering my thoughts. Truth be told, there’s only one thing that consumes my mind: Castiel. I remember in that moment how my heart tightened seeing Castiel bathed in moonlight. Castiel was beautiful, there was no lying about that. The moonlight accentuated his sharp features. But the most beautiful thing of all was Castiel’s eyes. In the daytime they were beautiful, but at night it was like looking at two pools of sparkling ocean. They were a deep blue. At night, when the only source of light was the moon, that was when Castiel’s big blue eyes looked the best. At least that’s what I thought.
As I thought about Castiel longer and longer, I felt my length begin to pulse as my head swirled dizzy with thoughts about Castiel. Was I getting turned on for Castiel? No. At the same time, I had a growing nausea. It felt like there was a pit inside my stomach and it only grew in size the more I indulged in Castiel. “What the fuck is happening...” I muttered. Must be a stomach flu running around Lawrence. I leaned far down and hugged my aching stomach. But, why am I thinking about you, Castiel? Why can’t I stop? God, tell me why’s this happening.
These feelings make everything so difficult.
I pleaded with God to make the pain stop. To guide me in the right direction.
“God, if you hear me, I don’t know what's happening, but you need to help me.”
“Why is this happening? Please. Please. Can you tell me why?” I stopped.
“Guide me, God. I don’t fucking know what to do anymore. This is all confusing.”
The feeling didn’t go away. I could only pray that he’d hear me. I tried to think back to when Sammy and I would sleep in the back of the Impala. Man, I hope Sammy’s doing alright. Finally, I lost myself in a whirl of thoughts before I fell asleep.