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Perry Fletcher, code name Agent Platypus, silently slipped around the corner of the house, glancing cautiously both ways before pressing his hand to a scanner hidden under the yellow clapboard. He ducked through the panel that opened behind him, the noise of the kids playing in the snow-covered backyard fading as he slid down the tube to the waiting chair below.
He frowned up at the monitor as his boss, Major Monogram, appeared on the screen. He pointed at his wrist and huffed, crossing his arms grumpily over his chest so that even the ever oblivious Monogram would know his displeasure.
“Good morning, Agent P. Sorry to call you in so early, but its Valentine's Day, so Doofenshmirtz is bound to be up to something. After last year's near disaster with the Turn-Chocolate-Into-Liver-inator, we didn't want to take any chances that something would go wrong this year. So go over there and put a stop to his schemes before they can begin! Good luck!”
Perry saluted his boss before the screen went blank. He checked his watch – 9:02 am. Definitely too early for Heinz to have anything ready... he'd most likely still be in the building or monologue-writing stage. Perry sighed to himself, considering his options.
Usually, he never minded spending extra time with his best friend, but since today was definitely a extra-special scheme-day, Heinz might not want him to show up early and spoil the surprise. But, on the other hand, he did have orders...
Perry shrugged. He'd head on over and if Heinz didn't want him there, he'd just leave and turn back up later. Good plan.
Perry jumped to his feet and ran to his hover car. He patted a hand over his pocket, smiling as he felt the card tucked safely away inside. After Heinz's scheme was thwarted, they'd exchange cards like usual, and then maybe he'd casually suggest they go get dinner somewhere...
Just because it was Valentine's Day didn't mean that two buddies couldn't go catch a meal somewhere without it meaning something more, right? And then if Heinz did want it to mean something more (like Perry had desperately wanted for a while now) then today was the perfect day for it...
And he could totally play it down if Heinz wasn't interested... Perry took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He could do this.
He started the hover car, and left via the secret tunnel, heading straight towards the DEI tower.
*****
As the elevator rose closer to Doofenshmirtz's floor, Perry fiddled with his key ring nervously. Normally he'd burst into the lab through the door or window, but he was early today, and he'd hate to ruin whatever carefully crafted trap Heinz had put together for the occasion. He always went all-out on holidays...
So he instead decided on the rarely-used entrance of the front door, via his spare key. That way, he'd hopefully not spring the trap and ruin the surprise he was sure Heinz had so carefully put together. Perfect.
He exited the elevator and did just that – quietly opened the door and listened carefully. Sure enough, he could hear muttering coming from the lab area, so he started walking that way.
Heinz had his back to him, bent over the inator of the day. It was painted a gaudy shade of pink with red highlights, but was obviously unfinished, judging by the wires still hanging from the sides. Heinz was mumbling, quickly jotting something down in his monologue notebook before returning to the contraption.
He approached the inventor, but managed to hit a stray tripwire about fifteen feet away from the device. A net closed around him, yanking him from the floor and suspending him ten feet in the air.
A net? That was disappointing. Perry looked around and sure enough, spotted a much gaudier trap perched over the window. He carefully looked away from it so that he could claim ignorance later.
He looked back to his nemesis, trying to decide where to go from here. Escape? Make his presence known? Heinz was obviously too deep in his planning to realize he had a visitor – he still had Pretendy the Practicepus out.
Perry wasn't bothered by the fact that his nemesis had a practice dummy – he knew Heinz put a great deal of work and thought into his monologues and musical numbers – but he did often wonder why Practicepus was a two foot tall stuffed platypus in a fedora, and not a human-sized dummy instead.
“No no no, that won't do, that won't do,” Heinz muttered. “How about this one, eh?” He coughed before addressing the platypus. “Ah, Perry the Platypus! Do you like my new lab coat? Its made of boyfriend material,” he said in a sing song voice.
Wait. Perry blinked. What?!
“Oh, that one is good, we'll put that on the maybe list...” Heinz jotted something down in his notebook while Perry watched him in confusion. “How about... Oh, Agent P! Nice fedora! It'll look great on my bedroom floor!”
Perry watched Heinz hunch his shoulders even as his own hopes rose. “You're right, that might give him the wrong impression...”
Heinz mumbled, looking over the list in his notebook. “Oh Perry the Platypus, I've lost my teddy bear! Will you sleep with me?” Heinz gagged. “Definitely the wrong impression.”
Perry wasn't surprised to find himself smiling. That smile only grew as Heinz continued practicing cheesy pick-up lines on Perry's stand-in. Maybe his plans for tonight would be well-received after all...
Perry's smile turned to a concerned frown, however, when Heinz threw his hands up in the air and yelled incoherently.
“Why am I even bothering?! I'll just chicken out like I did last year!” he yelled at the doll, Perry watching helplessly from his trap. Heinz dug his hands into his hair, tugging painfully. “I almost made a Be-mine-inator,” he ranted at the doll, “but I don't want him to agree to go out with me because he was forced... or worse, out of pity.” Heinz sighed, his shoulders slumping in dejection. “Besides, it would probably backfire and make him totally hate me, then I'd have to get a brand new nemesis...”
Perry tuned out Heinz's rant, hacking away at the ropes around him. Heinz could continue on for hours in his bouts of self-loathing, unless he was interrupted by something else, usually Perry.
Perry knew he had a choice – escape and disappear and take the very likely chance that nothing would change later – or escape and let the doctor know that his feelings weren't so one-sided after all.
To Perry, as he slipped from the trap, the choice was obvious.
He let himself fall, landing on his feet with a loud thud behind the evil scientist. Heinz froze in shock, his monologue ending abruptly.
He slowly turned his head, his wide eyes meeting Perry's and cringing.
“P-p-perry the Platypus, how unexpected.” Perry watched as Heinz swallowed painfully, his ears turning red. “J-just how long have you been here?”
Heinz looked like a man awaiting execution. Perry kept his face stoic as he walked to the doctor, slowly turning him around to face the shorter agent.
Perry smoothed his hands down the front of Heinz's lab coat, causing the doctor to flush scarlet. Making sure Heinz was watching, he signed, 'Boyfriend material, huh?'
Before Heinz could say anything, he continued. 'Sounds good to me,' he finished with a wide smile.