Chapter Text
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John White, a man Street hasn't seen in years nor talked to since stopping hiding his classification, John always shared similar views with Buck so Street can only imagine what he'd say about Street embracing his headspace for what it is.
"Hey, Jim! Haven't seen you in a while." John's crooked teeth crack a grin towards where Street stands waiting for his tea, the place is slammed and it will surely be a moment or two before Street can leave, perfect.
"Yeah, what's up man?" Thankfully his headspace has stayed big all of today, the past couple days actually, just not feeling the need to go little, that'll probably change after this though. Street winces internally at the thought.
"Nothing much, Liza's having another baby and I've been working to keep up." White throws a laugh that Street mirrors, he always liked John's wife Liza, a nice strong woman with a tough job as a nurse.
"Congratulations." The couple had kids very young and Street can remember how stressed John was about it all, hiding himself away in extra shifts to not deal with the responsibilities.
"Thanks, we're hoping for a girl. But enough about me, how have you been? I heard something happened with Buck?" Of course he did.
"Uh I've been alright, I love working swat and my team is great. And yeah, something did happen with Buck, I kinda punched him out." Street gives a nervous chuckle when John's eyes go comically wide in shock.
"Christ, what happened?" Fuck, is he really about to say this? He supposes there's no choice.
"He made a few comments about me, it got out of hand." It was tame, especially for what Street had wanted to do when he was an actual teenager, thankfully he has some more smarts than that now.
"I didn't think Buck was homophobic." Oh Jesus- Street rubs at his eyes a moment, trying to prepare himself for whatever comment is about to be thrown his way.
"I'm not gay", he's bi but John can be spared of those details, "it was about my classification, I'm a flip and Buck obviously didn't like that." He huffs out, then waits patiently as John processes, his brow scrunched together in thought.
"Oh. So you like- regress?" It's asked like it's some type of secret and that makes Street swallow thickly, already ten times more uncomfortable than he was five minutes ago.
"Yeah, sometimes, and sometimes I act like a caregiver." You'd think Street just said he committed a murder with the way Johns face contorts.
"That's- that's so, weird . I mean, you a little? It just sounds so weak. No offense." White backtracks when he must notice Street's eyes dropping slightly.
"No it's alright, I uh- get it." He doesn't, or he didn't, Hondo and Deacon have worked far too long to make sure Street's comfortable in his headspace, but that all seems to be slipping away right now.
"And as a cop? Isn't that scary?" It can be, it can be scary no matter what, it's a dangerous intense job.
"I can handle it, just like I did in Long Beach." But back then he wasn't even thinking about going little or what could happen if he slipped at work, which has happened now, it still haunts Streets nightmares how he regressed that first time in front of the team or when Rocker had hit him.
"Yeah, of course, you were a good cop. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, there just aren't that many little cops, you know? They seem kinda unstable for this type of job." 'Unstable' , 'were' a good cop, Street feels his stomach twist into uncomfortable knots.
"It's alright John, that's my order but it was nice talking to you again." It was not nice talking and that's not Streets order, he just wants to get through this sea of people and get the fuck out of here.
-
It's been a few days, three or so, and Streets yet to go small or even talk about it. He never told his family about what happened in the coffee shop he fled from, they don't need to hear it, they're all fine and happy, Street won't taint that.
"You gonna play James?" Hondo asks from beside Street, watching how Luca, Tan and Chris all play some intricate game of lizards against sharks against dogs- it's played pretty frequently- Street usually just takes Tans side of lizards or will sometimes throw penguins into the mix, he's not going to now though, he can't.
"Mm-mmm." He shakes his head and takes to picking up his phone instead, trying to ignore Hondo and Deacon's worried looks.
His phone proves to be boring. It's not like there's many people Street talks to outside of this house, Nate's about the only person left in Long Beach, he could text Molly but she's more Chris's friend than anything. It leaves Street to look back up towards his siblings and marvel slightly at how excited they are.
"I totally win!" Chris announces to Luca, his arms crossed over his chest in protest at the girl's words.
"Nuh-uh! I win, sharks beat dogs!"
This is also a regular occurrence, it makes Street smile small, he glances to where Tan is rolling his eyes and continuing to play silently with his lizards. Victor's very competitive at times, mostly when he's big or in an older headspace than his usual one, right now he just looks annoyed.
And as much as Street loves watching his siblings banter over toys, he can't watch for too long. It'll make him go small. He figured out a few days ago that if he looks away or distracts himself soon enough that he won't fully slip, maybe just a sliver of that foggy headspace, nothing more, it's all Street really needs anyways.
He might want to be little, but he doesn't need to. It's not like when he first came to the house and dropped because he hadn't been small in so long, he was little two weeks ago, he's gone far, far , longer than that without regressing.
What's another few days? Maybe weeks? How long can he hold out? Years, which has been proven by the past, but how long now that his body has become accustomed to slipping so much? Can he still be big for years at a time?
"Street!" Chris's high pitched voice startles him back into reality, a pout to her lip and hand extended with a stuffed golden retriever in it.
"You gotta decide if Luca won or me! Dads aren't helping." Shit he totally wasn't paying attention.
"Uh- not, not now Chrissy, my head kinda hurts I'm gonna go lay down." He's been using this excuse so much recently, his head does hurt so it's not a lie, but it feels crappy to leave his sister sitting there with that look on her face.
Street curses himself while heading upstairs towards his room, he's been spending more and more time in there, avoiding everyone in the house just in case. They have to notice it. It's obvious even to Street; the shift in his behavior that's only becoming more apparent.
Not to mention how much he's changed his room around. It doesn't even resemble what it did before, his beds cleared of all stuffed animals, they're all crammed into the toy box Street shoved into his closet, his comforters been switched out with his old all black one from before he moved into the Harrelson-Kay house, even his beloved penguin rug got rolled up and pushed into the closet. The only thing that still remains is the mural Deacon painted, Street can't bring himself to cover it, his Da- his roommate - spent too much time and energy making it look good.
The room feels bare and empty, the led lights still up provide about the only color to anything, they switch slowly across all the colors of the rainbow and let Street sink into his bed. At least this mattress is nice. Some memory foam thing that Hondo bought after they moved Streets old one in and Hondo ended up spending a night on it, his back was screaming in agony for a week following, so Street got a brand new mattress that's softer and squishier than any other one in the house, how Street likes it.
He can't help but curl into himself thinking about having his caregiver there to rub his back so he can lull to sleep, it feels wrong to even refer to Hondo or Deacon as his caregivers. He knows how ridiculous that is, they're happily and willingly taking care of him, they've never complained, they love all of their kids.
But Street's not like his siblings. He seems to always have some type of problem, whether it be nightmares never ending, some old trauma he buried that resurfaces at the worst times, or just him being a screw up at work. He's gotten better, Street knows that, but sometimes it feels like he's always doing the wrong things, always trying his best but still ruining something.
"Street?" A knock comes to his door, Hondos voice following it.
"Mm?" He really needs to work on talking more at home, he was always such a quiet kid and apparently that's still present no matter how extroverted he acts at work.
"Can I come in?" As much as Street wants to be alone right now, he lets Hondo slip inside and glance worriedly around Street's room.
"You feel okay?" A headache’s nothing new for Street, the team all know he has them, they've been there since long before he joined swat, but Hondo and Deacon always get concerned about them.
"Just my head, I'm okay." Hondo shouldn't even be up here right now, he should be downstairs with the rest of the family, playing with the kids and helping Deacon cook dinner, not up here worrying over problems Street can solve on his own.
"Yeah? You've been kinda spacey lately." Getting caught up in his thoughts isn't abnormal for Street, apparently it's becoming more obvious.
"Sorry." He can't help but shrink into himself at the thought of maybe Hondo finally getting sick of having Street around. He's still the newest member on the team and in the house, they could kick him out without a second thought.
"You don't have to apologize, I'm just a little worried, Deacon and your siblings are too." That's the last thing Street wants to hear right now, he huffs out a short breath while tucking himself under one of the many fleece blankets he keeps up on his bed.
"Sorry." Street repeats no matter how many times Deacon and Hondo have told him he doesn't need to apologize for everything. He still feels guilt shivering through his spine when Hondo places a hand on Streets back, brushing his thumb in circles, probably hoping it'll help ease the pain radiating through Streets head.
Most times it does, the physical contact always relaxes Street, but fully relaxing would mean he'd slip, now at least. On a normal day it wouldn't really make that big of a difference, but Street's been teetering that edge of big headspace or little for too long, wavering between the two sides at a dangerous rate.
"Honey, you don't have to apologize." Street jerks at the nickname, he knows his family's been trying to get him to regress, or even just relax, around them.
They've pulled out all the tricks of nicknames, favorite movies, favorite games, Deacon even made his mac and cheese that's usually only reserved for special occasions— none of it has done anything but make Street more isolated.
"Sor- okay." He catches himself, hearing how Hondo huffs out a little chuckle, it's not full on or even attempted to be, maybe he really is sick of Street.
James' eyes water under the stuffiness of the blanket thrown atop himself, he doesn't want to cry, if he cries he'll go small. He doesn't even want to think about that, he wants to be a good cop, to be stable and trusted in the field, to be someone his siblings can come to and not worry about 24/7, though he doesn't feel like he's accomplishing any of that. Street can only hold onto the cold pit of anxiety in his gut and the looming thoughts of 'you're a burden, to the family and the team, you shouldn't be here ' that practically consume him.
"Baby-." Street pushes out of Hondos soft touch on his back, shuffling himself to the top of his bed where he can bury his head against the pillow.
"My head hurts, I wanna go to bed." It sounds wet and shaky, bordering on a whimper, Hondo puffs air out of mouth- or maybe his nose, Street can't see- but it's audible enough for his eyes to fill with even more tears.
"Okay. We're all downstairs if you need us."
Thankfully all his tears don't start to fall until Hondo clicks the door shut, leaving Street to lay there and try to convince himself that he deserves to even be in this house. Maybe he should go back to living on his own, back to a small apartment filled with black and gray decor, something cold and distant, something that will remind him that he doesn't deserve to slip.
Buck was right, he should've stayed a caregiver, stayed lying to the team. Just to keep himself shunned away from all the situations that have happened since he let himself be small after so long, what good has really come from it? He beat Buck up, Rocker punched him, his precious family has gone from happy all the time to fretting over Street, it's ridiculous. He's better off alone, always has been and that will never change, he needs to accept it.
-
"Hey Street, what-?" He slams his laptop shut at Lucas words, he's been browsing apartments, it's three am so he assumed nobody else would be awake.
"Whatcha lookin at there?" Dom throws a laugh with the words, walking to stand behind Street and try to reach for the laptop only for it to be pulled away.
"Nothin important." The team can't know he's planning on moving out, they'll freak out, try to convince Street to stay but he knows he's better off on his own.
"Then why can't I see?" There's still a smile on Lucas face, his fingers poking at Streets side in a way-too-wide-awake-way for three am.
"It's just personal luca, it's nothing bad or anything." He knows Dom can tend to overthink things so he makes sure to throw in the added reassurance.
"Okay. Are you okay? You're kinda creepy looking sitting at the counter at three am." They both chuckle small, Luca sliding himself into the chair beside Street to be more comfortable.
"I couldn't sleep." It's not a lie, there's still a twinge of anxiety that stirs in Street's chest, he knows he'll eventually have to tell the team that he's leaving, explain it.
"Me either." Luca bumps his shoulder into Streets, bringing him back to reality before he can spiral even farther.
"What's keeping you up?" A huff before Lucas eyes fall to the counter, his hands fidgeting in his lap a moment.
"Can I be honest?" Street nods immediately, shifting slightly closer to Luca.
"You are. Not- not like because you did anything wrong, but I'm worried, you haven't been yourself and- I don't know- I can't sleep when there's obviously something going on with you."
Street's body goes cold, eyes blinking wide in shock, this is the last thing he was trying to do. He doesn't want Luca to be losing sleep over him, he's okay, he's fine, there's no reason for Luca to be so concerned. This is why he should move out already, be somewhere that the team won't be so affected by him.
"Luca I'm okay, I'm fine. Nothings going on." Nothing that Dom needs to worry about, it's Street's own stuff, he's the one that made the mistake of letting himself slip in the first place.
"You're lying. If you were fine then you wouldn't be this tense or not sleeping or-." He stops himself short.
"Or what?"
"Or staying big all the time. You don't even look at Tan or Chris when they ask you to play with them, you haven't regressed in like months, it's obviously affecting you so why haven't you gone small?" Street drops his head into his hands, resting his elbows atop the counter, keenly aware of how Luca's watching him like a hawk.
"I just haven't felt the need to regress." It's the worst lie Street thinks he's ever said, there's no way anyone would believe that.
“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Dom sounds more serious and Street can only shrink down into himself, of course his brother would know somethings wrong, but he won’t ever understand that Street needs to leave the house, and family, so James can’t tell him.
“It’s nothing Luca, please don’t worry about it.” Despite the annoyed huff that Street gets as a response, Luca nods and jumps off his chair to stomp back upstairs.
-
It all comes to a head eventually, as does everything Street supposes. He was just hoping that he’d be the one to tell the family that he’s leaving and they wouldn’t find out through opening Streets laptop he idiotically left on the counter.
It’s been over a full month since Street regressed and while there have been some close calls, Street hasn’t fully slipped. He’s starting to feel the same way he did before he joined the family, when he’d halfway forget he even had a little side, when it was easier to pretend he was a caregiver than explain things. He likes that he’s started to feel that way again, it means he was right about not “needing” to go small.
Only right now he hates it, he wishes he could take it all back and run into Hondos arms to be held close and taken care of. He won’t turn back now though, he has to stay strong.
“Street….” Whatever speech was planned dies on Deacon's tongue as he looks up from the family’s dining room table, everyone’s sat around it, they were waiting for Street to get back from a run to say anything if James had to guess.
“Yeah?” The laptop stares dauntingly open at him, rentable apartment listings open in more than one tab, it’s very obvious what he was doing.
“Honey, are you- Ahem- planning on moving out?” Hondo has to rub a hand over his mouth and look away from Street, it hurts more than he thought it would; seeing how his family reacts to the news.
“I- .” Yes he is . That’s what he should say but he can’t get the words out, caught up too thickly in his throat, unable to move any farther than his opened mouth and unmoving lips. He needs to tell them, he just can’t.
“We don’t want you to go Street!” Tan wails while he clutches a hand to Chris’ shirt, very obviously small, actually all of his siblings seem to be. Fuck this is making it worse.
“I- I have to, it’s grown up stuff.” He forces through gritted teeth and gives the most reassuring smile he can muster towards the kids.
“Please explain it to us, we want to understand.”
“I need to go, it won’t make sense to you guys but it’s better if I’m gone. If I stop- stop being like this.” The tears springing to Street's eyes aren’t unexpected but he pushes them away nonetheless, crying won’t help anything.
“Like what? I don’t understand.” Hondo pleads, bordering on desperate tone in his voice, he leans farther onto the table and looks like he’s about to reach for where Street’s standing but he stops himself.
“It’s better for- for all of us, if I.” He can’t say it. His mouth won’t cooperate and his chest is starting to get tight.
“If I go back to how I was.” His eyes screw shut tightly and a choked breath escapes his throat but he said it, that’s what he tries to focus on.
“Oh baby no, no, you don’t need to change.” Deacon stands quick as can be and is in front of Street within seconds, hands planted firmly on his shoulders, his jaw is tight when James peels his eyes open, a stern expression of concern on Deacon's face.
“I do Deac. I do, it was stupid to ever think I could be part of your family and go little, I don’t deserve it .” The tears Street was keeping at bay start to spill over, flowing down his cheeks fast and thick.
“Of course you deserve it. You deserve everything, everything .” There’s assurance deep in Hondos tone as he walks to stand beside his husband, looking at Street in the same worried way Deacon is.
“No! You don’t understand- I wanna be good, wanna be a good cop and- and want you to trust me-!” He’s sobbing now, little space slamming into the forefront of Street's mind like a battering ram. He hasn’t meant to get upset this early into the conversation but this all feels like too much, he wants his caregivers and siblings, he tells himself he should but he does.
“Baby we do, we do trust you and you are a good cop. You’re amazing at what you do, just like your siblings.” Street shakes his head and wipes at his wet eyes but Hondo cups his cheek swiftly, letting Deacon step back a moment before Hondo tips James’ face up to meet his own.
“Moving away from us won’t ever stop us from caring for you, you’re our family, we will always love you. Understand? Always .” It’s certain and unarguable. A fact, something Street can’t debate, especially not in the state he’s in.
“D-dada-!” Every emotion he’s kept bottled up for weeks starts pouring out of Street, he’s clinging to Hondo as hard as he can, crying even harder, he tries to explain how he feels and how he just wants to have his family again, but it’s more just hiccuping cries on top of mumbled words.
Thankfully Hondo understands whatever gibberish is coming out of Street's mouth and simply picks him up, taking them both to the couch, rocking them in place once he sits down and nods to Deacon to take the other kids out of the house for a little while. Just til things calm down.
-
It’s a long while before Street’s able to talk again, not that it lasts very long as exhaustion weighs heavy on him and he’s asleep within the fifteen minutes Hondo takes to switch him into a pair of pajamas. Though he does answer that question, no he’s not moving out , Hondo says nothing but presses a relieved smile into Streets hair and holds him the smallest bit tighter.
The kids and Deacon are relieved to get that text from Hondo, the family knows it’ll take more conversations to remind Street that he’s part of the family, that they’re not going anywhere and he’s not going to lose anything, but they’re okay with it. It’ll be worth it to have their brother around.
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