Chapter Text
Chu Wanning takes almost a month to find the spell he’s looking for.
Tracing his finger through book after book, he finds no references to the rune he’s looking for. After going through an entire shelf, he starts to wonder if he’s simply misremembering the rune Zhu Jiuyin had drawn on his hand. He has no way of confirming it now - the original drawing has long been washed off his palm and it's only remaining image confined to his memory - no matter how distorted.
Mo Ran still visits. Sometimes as Taxian Jun and sometimes as Liu Gong. If Chu Wanning were not so convinced of Mo Ran’s hatred and distaste of him, he would have suspected the spell of obsession’s target he had found had somehow been himself.
But he is.
Taxian Jun makes sure to remind him of his hatred each time he visits - spitting curses and poison-coated words at Chu Wanning as he holds him down and takes and takes. There's now a pearl on his left ear, to remind him who he belongs to even for the few moments he is mercifully left alone.
In contrast, “Liu Gong’s” visits are tamer. Chu Wanning had never confronted Mo Ran about his discovery and for his silence, he had been granted Liu Gong’s false obedience. Mo Ran sits by his side silently as Liu Gong, never pushing beyond his initial greeting, as if his presence alone is enough to convince Chu Wanning to take him back. To try teaching him again.
Once again, Chu Wanning is painfully reminded of how Mo Ran had first tried convincing him to take him on as his disciple. He refuses to dwell on them. The wounds and the threats Taxian Jun leaves him with are enough to convince him to not lower his guard this time. He ignores all of Mo Ran's attempts to talk, to help. It doesn't stop him from noticing food laid out on the table during mealtimes, books and tools finding their way back to their shelves.
Chu Wanning pretends he doesn't. There is a slow-boiling mixture of anger and hatred growing right below his skin at Mo Ran's continued, forced presence in his life. It threatens to spill out, to make its presence known each time he finishes another book still not knowing what the stupid spell is, each time Taxian Jun whispers into his ear all his failures, each time he feels Mo Ran's heavy, silent gaze on him. When he forces himself to bury the storming brew of emotions deep within himself, all of that hatred simply focuses inward.
He goes days without uttering a single word except for the screams Mo Ran wrings out of him with a frightening level of determination and even more aphrodisiacs.
He tells himself he deserves it. For letting one disciple die and failing yet another so badly. That it is an acceptable price to pay for the more time Mo Ran spends in his room, the safer the rest of the world is for it. Some selfless, worthy purpose of being kept here, leashed to a bed to be used however Mo Ran wants to. Yet, he can't stop the heartbreak that threatens to overwhelm him at the unfairness of it all.
So he ignores all of Mo Ran's mocking efforts. Tables of food made for him go ignored in favor of Chu Wanning making a far too watery soup for himself in the few moments he is left alone. He ignores any attempt at communication, unless commanded to respond. He feels himself withering away, any muscle that used to coat his body melted away with his conscious negligence, the dizziness when he moves too fast, the fatigue that clings to his very bones. He ignores that too.
With Chu Wanning’s rejection, Liu Gong’s visits start to get further apart. As if Mo Ran has finally given up hope that Chu Wanning could be kind to anyone. They both know Taxian Jun is the only one that can force a reaction, any reaction out of Chu Wanning anymore.
Chu Wanning is almost out of books in his search and the dwindling number of ones left to search worsens how he feels.
Purposeless.
Chu Wanning has always existed for something. Repaying a debt of kindness at Rufeng until he had no one left to give it to. Repaying another one at Sisheng, until that too had been torn away from him. Constantly repaying the world to justify his presence in it. Constantly making it worse by his presence.
He had lost his vision when he had tried digging out his core years ago and there was nothing Huaizui could do to reverse it. It hadn't stopped him from rushing out into the world, determined to throw his entire self into everything. Hiding his weaknesses had been a given, he was less likely to be useful if people around him perceived him as helpless. He had suspected Madam Rong had guessed, her gentle directions always seemed suspiciously catered to what he could handle alone. But she had never brought it up and he was grateful. Even more determined to give back. And look where that got her and her son.
There's only three books left and the anxiety of what comes next blankets all his senses, thick and heavy, preventing him from seeing anything beyond. If he finds the spell. If he doesn't. The days after stretch on endlessly, meaningless, empty. Nothing beyond the blank walls of his pavilion. A tiny part of him knows he's only clinging on to this desperate search to give him something to do but that too is coming to an end.
And then he finds the spell. Hidden in a thick, musty book from the medical sect, he finds the flower. He traces out the letters Eight-Sufferings-Long-Hatred atop the page before dragging his finger to the rune. It's the same as the one Zhu Jiuyi had drawn on his palm. He keeps reading, a sinking feeling growing in his heart that the spell isn't as ineffective as he had originally thought.
Grown from demon's blood and planted in the victim's heart, it only grows on twisting every emotion in their heart into hate.
Hatred he has managed to so successfully feed with his own failures every step of the way. Chu Wanning's hands are shaking too much, making it impossible for him to keep going on - the letters indistinguishable in his dread.
He doesn't know who did it but as he thinks, he can guess when it happened. When Mo Ran started to grow quieter. Angrier.
He had noticed.
Of course he had noticed, he had just been too self absorbed enough to believe it was his fault. That he, Chu Wanning, was important enough to be able to tear away Mo Ran’s kindness and love all on his own. Of course he wasn’t. The answer to what happened to that boy he had known was just buried in a dusty medical book that Chu Wanning doesn't even remember acquiring.
With this discovery comes fear, rushing in to replace the hatred and the numbness of the last months. If someone did this to Mo Ran, why? To what end? If they have not got what they wanted, are they still around? Close by, to watch him, to whisper in his ear. Every breeze through his window feels like the breath of a stranger, watching, every tingle on his neck telling him there are eyes on him. The fear transforms into paranoia and though Chu Wanning forces it down, forces himself to keep going as if everything is still the same, there’s only so much he can do to tame it now that he knows, irrefutably, that someone, somewhere wishes Mo Ran harm.
Suddenly all the time Mo Ran spends by his side is not enough, as if Chu Wanning could protect him with his weak, useless presence. As if he hadn’t already failed to protect Mo Ran all those years ago. He’s still determined to try.
Taxian Jun decides this is the last time he will visit Chu Wanning as Liu Gong. It has been six months since their fallout and Chu Wanning has not acknowledged him once since. The rush of excitement at getting Chu Wanning to look at him, to talk to him as if he were someone else is dead. Since he can’t force Chu Wanning to be kind to him as Liu Gong, “Liu Gong’s” visits have only grown sparser. Now, all Taxian Jun has is force and aphrodisiacs.
Even so, he can’t quite let himself let the character die. He had just returned from a battle with Xue Meng and the small army the man had now managed to raise against him. Stinking of blood and haunted by images of Xue Meng’s hatred as they had clashed swords, Taxian Jun was angry enough to consider bringing out Liu Gong - as a final bid to see if his Shizun would fall for it again. To see if he could trick his Chu Wanning into looking at him with anything but hatred, to pay for the bloodlust and hatred left in him by his Shizun’s favorite disciple.
If it doesn’t work, well, there is still satisfaction in revealing the truth to Chu Wanning, to finally let him know he’s been lied to all this time. His heart beats feverishly, demanding blood and pain for every bit Taxian Jun has felt today. Felt a lifetime.
If Taxian Jun cannot have the kindness he had tricked out of his heartless Shizun, he’d rather drag them both down to suffer together in hell. Let Chu Wanning feel the pain of knowing he will never again meet a single person who loves him in this life. That he will never experience true kindness again. Let him dread every interaction he ever has until Taxian Jun finally lets him die.
And so, “Liu Gong” finds himself at the door of Red Lotus Pavilion again. He doesn’t hear any noise from the inside but steps in anyway, announcing to the quiet pavilion, “Shizun? This disciple is here.”
From the back of the Pavilion, close to where he knows Chu Wanning’s bedroom is, Taxian Jun hears sounds and footsteps approaching him. He hadn’t realized just how convinced he was that he’d be ignored again, shoulders stiff and braced for the rejection he thought he’d face, until his Shizun actually started making his way towards him.
“Shizun”, he calls out again, not knowing what else to say now that Chu Wanning is finally in front of him, red eyed and looking absolutely miserable. It confuses him - the misery in his Shizun’s eyes when he isn’t the one who put it there.
“M-Liu Gong”, Chu Wanning speaks, his voice painfully hoarse, “you’re back.”
The anger melts out of Taxian Jun at the words. He’s not quite sure what it's replaced by or what possesses him to ask, his own voice suddenly sounding just as bad as Chu Wanning’s, “have you eaten yet?”
When Chu Wanning shakes his head, Taxian Jun offers to make their meal. For the first time since their fake relationship has begun, Chu Wanning follows him into the kitchen. He doesn’t offer to help, Taxian Jun doesn’t think he’s capable of that anyway. But his Shizun follows him in, sitting on a stool at the edge, his head following the sounds of the clatter of pots and the pans as Taxian Jun moves about his kitchen.
Taxian Jun doesn’t understand it. His focus keeps shifting back to where Chu Wanning sits, clattering a pan a little away from him just to watch his Shizun’s head swivel to “watch” him. As if he wants to be involved. Why would he?
“Come here”, he says, words slipping out of his mouth, almost command-like in his determination to destroy the quiet calm he sees on his Shizun’s face, “I want you to do this.”
Taxian Jun watches in satisfaction as Chu Wanning finally startles at his words. The peace with which he had been watching him is gone, replaced with a hesitance that Taxian Jun is more used to handling. This, Taxian Jun knows. The discomfort is familiar to him. He strides forward to place a ladle in his Shizun’s hand and says, “Take care of the broth, make sure it doesn’t burn while I handle the rest” before hauling him up and towards the boiling pot.
All the hatred in his heart from his battle today fades as he preps the meat side by side with his Shizun. While he debates letting the pot boil over a currently unaware Chu Wanning, Taxian Jun ultimately pulls him away, lowering the heat as he dumps the vegetables and meat in.
It’s calm in their kitchen, a calm Taxian Jun can’t remember feeling in a very long time. He tells himself it's because he has won against Chu Wanning. If his Shizun has accepted Liu Gong again, it has opened up his path to destroy him emotionally again in the future.
Until that time comes, Taxian Jun will take and take, all the kindness, all the love that he can squeeze out of Chu Wanning’s wooden heart, even if he knows all of it was never meant for him.
It’s been a couple of months since Chu Wanning’s discovery of the flower in Mo Ran. Since then, he’s forced himself to be kinder when Mo Ran visits disguised as Liu Gong, continuing to pretend that he doesn’t know who the man following him around, calling him Shizun really is.
It’s the only form of acknowledgement, of forgiveness, of his love that he’s unafraid of showing, grateful that a part of Mo Ran’s kindness survived the flower, even if it is only capable of being seen through all the lies Mo Ran tells them both to justify his fake character’s continued presence in Chu Wanning’s life.
The fear of being watched, the fear that whoever planted the flower in Mo Ran would realize Chu Wanning now knows their secret keeps him from revealing everything. It forces him to pretend to fight off Taxian Jun. But with Mo Ran continuing to bring “Liu Gong” to visit, Chu Wanning can open up without the risk of bringing any danger to them both. He’s not sure how much of it is just him yearning for it to be true but Chu Wanning believes that with Liu Gong, Mo Ran gets to be the person he would have grown up into, if not for all the hatred forced into his heart.
Mo Ran’s visits as Liu Gong are unpredictable - sometimes he comes day after day, bringing food and books and pretending to be eager to learn, and sometimes he stays away for weeks, his mind grappling with the idea of any positive time with the man he believes he hates. On those days, Taxian Jun visits - anger and hate his only companions, forcing Chu Wanning down, demanding he give him everything he thinks he’s owed.
Chu Wanning indulges him throughout it all - saying yes to every whim, every opportunity to give Mo Ran another happy memory, even if the flower will not let it last. Even now in different circumstances, he still has trouble denying Mo Ran anything.
“Shizun? I brought you lunch.”
Chu Wanning doesn’t look up from where he’s tracing through Mo Ran’s earlier writing, its marks indented on the paper for him through a talisman. Ever so often, he picks up his brush to correct a mistake he finds in the lines. He only stops when Mo Ran starts to move stuff around his desk to make room for the dishes he holds. “Let me finish this before we eat, stop moving.”
Mo Ran peeks over his shoulder to look at the heavily corrected poetry that now sits in front of Chu Wanning and makes a face, “We skipped breakfast too -”
Chu Wanning ignores his complaints, moving to dip his brush back into the ink beside him so he can keep going. Except his brush never reaches the ink - it touches something wet much earlier and there’s a pause as Chu Wanning tries to figure out what happened and Mo Ran fights the urge to laugh.
Mo Ran is the first to break, laughter breaking out in the quiet of the Pavilion as Chu Wanning pulls out an ink brush now dripping golden broth onto the sheet.
Even as his face heats up from embarrassment at his mistake, he can’t bring himself to be mad. He hasn’t heard laughter like that for years, locked alone in the pavilion with only Mo Ran for company. He hasn’t heard Mo Ran laugh like this for even longer, the sound empty of the malice and violence all his other laughs usually contain.
It breaks his heart, knowing he can only hear it so briefly - even now, the sound is fading and Chu Wanning can’t help but wish he could see Mo Ran right now. Is he smiling? Does he look the same as he did years ago, before the flower took all joy from him?
As Mo Ran drags him from his chair to eat beside him, Chu Wanning steels his resolve to keep searching for a way to reverse the curse, to give Mo Ran the chance to live the life he should have gotten to. Until he finds it, he will give everything else he has to the man who can fool his own heart into staying by his side.