First off, thanks for putting some thought in your reply to my comment. The last person who responded to me when I did something like this simply called me a dick and refused to elaborate, so I really appreciate the obvious amount of care you've put into this.
Second off, I know this is off topic, but I really hope ScarabKnight's OK. My intent really was just to provide a different prospective and some light critique, not to make him/her go completely AWOL from both FF.net and Ao3 for a month straight. TBH I'm halfway to just giving up posting critique of any kind entirely. Either people get upset and refuse to listen, get upset and drop what they were doing entirely, or get upset and take it out on me, personally, for the crime of disagreeing with what they've done. I mean it when I say I'm a fan, and I mean it too, when I say I only post stuff like this with the intent to help.
I was raised to believe, from early on, the importance of reader's response and alternate viewpoints (even wrong ones,) as part of the author's path to improvement. The idea that criticism is to be mostly avoided is fundamentally alien to me, and I'm still sometimes harsher than I really mean to be.
In terms of responses, on one hand, I really hate drama, and would rather not go on and on in reply. On the other hand, I also don't want to convey disrespect by ignoring your reply or the effort you put into it. So it's my hope that you won't mind if I write a response that is more long than not.
I do want to say, right off, that I was free in admitting part of my disagreement in how the opening two chapters were handled was an issue of my own, personal preference. I simply prefer more naturalistic character interactions, especially when those character interactions have a romantic element to them, it was my own reader response that seemed worth sharing at the time. I still feel the turn from "we're enemies" to "stay at my house, person made of stuff I can't recognize and who I also just met," was a little too abrupt, even accounting for the personalities of those involved. My intent wasn't to imply there shouldn't be a fight, just that there should be a little more tension between the two parties, and maybe an extra chapter, to ease the change in relationship.
I actually agree that the nature of the narrative does strongly influence how characters relate to each other. I think where are beliefs diverge is how well the narrative accomplishes its goals in presenting Danny and Jenny as a good match as romantic partners. I believe it's pretty clear, and that we can both agree, that the primary goals, narritive-wise of these introductory chapters are 1) to introduce Danny and Jenny to each other 2) Compare their relative powersets, and 3) to contrive circumstances in such a way that they go from being at odds to being friendly. My main concern, the one I think the author could have improved upon, is #3 over there.
I'm aware that this story is not intended as a pure romance, and that action is as much the heart of the work as the relationships. This does not mean, however, that the standard conventions of romance as a genre do not or should not apply, and one of the most common, most effective romantic conventions that I know of is introducing the two leads in a way that highlights their compatibility over their differences. While this work is still in the early stages, and there's obviously plenty of room to grow, I maintain that there were better ways to get Danny and Jenny from point A to point B in a way that didn't spend most of its runtime showing how compatible the two aren't.
I want to emphasize that I'm not expecting Jenny and Danny to get together in the next two or three chapters, far from it. What I'm trying to get across, really, is that this is more an issue of foreshadowing. When you want to prepare an audience for something that's coming later, you want to make sure that event is hinted at earlier in the work, a la Chekhov's gun. That way, the event, whatever it is, doesn't happen out of nowhere from an audience perspective, and makes more sense within the context of the narrative. Romance, ultimately, is just another story element, and needs to be set up and foreshadowed accordingly. Showing how well two characters work together platonically, either in combat or as friends, is a time tested way to show how well they might work together romantically some time in the future. While there is a little bit of this with Danny and Jenny working together to stop the mall from collapsing, it's overshadowed by how much fighting and refusing to listen to each other they do prior to that, making the prospect of future romance harder than it should be to believe in on the part of the reader.
The only other major element I want to address in regards to standard story construction is the issue of verisimilitude. Basically, the idea is that anything can happen in a story, no matter how absurd, as long as the character's reactions to it remain suitably realistic in regard to the context you've placed them in. My main concern with the story is not Danny forgiving Jenny, but rather, her ready acceptance of taking him into her home, no questions asked, and his easy willingness follow her there. Unlike say, the Red Huntress or even his own parents, Jenny is a stranger to Danny, just as Danny is an unknown factor to Jenny, in turn. As fundamentally kind as both characters are, I'm not sure it makes sense for one of them to invite the other into their most private space. It's not something a normal person would typically do for a stranger, and I'm not sure in the context of their brief meeting, most of which was one of conflict, Jenny would so easily offer up her home to him, any more than Danny, who has had to deal with the paranoia of entire government organizations out to get him (and Vlad, in all his fruitloopy glory) would so easily agree. The total lack of uncertainty of both parties towards the other kind of robs the sense of verisimilitude without something extra in terms of in-story set up to smooth it all out.
I have no idea about the ends and outs of road repair, but am more than willing to take your word for it in regards to the difficulty of cleanup, and that Jenny could reasonably be mad about it, as well. Perhaps even to the degree of being more justified than I thought in her initial anger towards Danny. I also acknowledge that the fight itself does do a good job of distracting us from certain Technus related plot threads in a way that was Damn smart on the part of Scarabknight, to the point where it didn't even cross my mind when I wrote my initial comment, so kudos for that.
*scratches head.* So yeah, um, I hope that cleared some things up. Mostly, I just hope the author comes back. Even if I don't agree with everything he does, or occasionally feel the need to voice those disagreements, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the work, or won't continue to read even if my thoughts on the matter are ignored entirely. In the end, the work belongs to the author, and it's their right to do as they please with it.
While I wish we could have been fans of the story together, rather than going at odds over it, but thanks again for reading and thinking about my posts. I hope you don't mind the longish reply, and that we can have a more amicable conversation one day, over future chapters of this story and more.
Ooooh, OK, you've hit the one note to get me to speak up - me going missing has nothing to do with you or this comment chain. I've just had a bad hit of depression and couldn't muster energy to respond full stop. I will get around to it eventually, although probably shorter as Magenta has hit many of the points I would have, but suffice to say I'm neither angry nor upset at you, just having Bad Brain times.
Although I will say perhaps try to make criticism more concise? I might have been able to get at least something back if the original comment wasn't intimidatingly long :P
Right, sorry, too many words is a long-standing issue of mine, sorta a combination of trying to explain my own explanations, and being whatever the writing equivalent of a dog that tries to shake its tail, but gets so excited it vibrates its whole body instead is. :/
While I’m glad I didn’t upset you, I am much less happy to hear real life is giving you such hell. I am a problem that can be solved using the hide comment function. Depression on the other hand is...less easy.
As I said in my wall of text above, it’s your fanfic, in the end, and you have a right to enjoy it however, so take your time, yeah? No pressure.
Is your depression getting any better or worse? Please tell me you are not thinking of "ending it all". :(
Take your time in getting better, but don't listen to your bad brain when it starts telling you to go hurt yourself. Ignore it, It'll go away like a scab.
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Onus on Chapter 2 Sun 09 May 2021 09:02PM UTC
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ScarabKnight on Chapter 2 Sun 09 May 2021 09:24PM UTC
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Onus on Chapter 2 Sun 09 May 2021 11:19PM UTC
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MrWar1 on Chapter 2 Sun 30 May 2021 01:33PM UTC
Last Edited Mon 31 May 2021 02:00AM UTC
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