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Since everything had come out in the open, he hasn't had any time to actually feel.
It's like everyone is telling him how to act, how and what to feel, telling him what he should do.
There's no room for his thoughts and feelings. They tell him to open up but when he does they cut him off and they tell him their own feelings about things.
In the beginning they had been so occupied with the idea, the thought that he might break down and maybe waited for a spectaculary meltdown, that they had been so relieved that it didn't happen and they now see him as doing well and see him as the bigger person, someone who forgives.
They just don't realise that you can have spectaculary breakdown in silence.
In the beginning they had said he shouldn't flee, run from the problems or when things got to tough. They had told him he had to stay. He ha stopped running, stopped looking for an escape away from the village.
He stays when things get tough and unbeareble. When people are talking at him, they say it's progress and they are happy.
They don't realise that you an run without going anywhere.
It's working for him, they are happy.
He tells them that he's fine. He nods in agreement when they suggest something.
He plays along and he's good at it.
He's the same with Robert. He understands it to a surden degree, he tells Robert that he gets it and he told him that they needed to move past it. Robert of course had eagerly nodded in agreement the first time Aaron said it.
He understands why but he has not forgotten, he may have even forgiven him but he has not forgotten and he never will.
Not once has Robert actually asked him how he had felt about what happened and how he's feeling now. His guess is that Robert is busy feeling guilty, he's busy trying to explain himself, he's busy trying to redeem himself and he's busy with suggesting more therapy for Aaron, not himself of course, to help him deal with it all. To talk to someone else.
It has been months now and they have all settled in a good rythm at The Mill and in generel.
He's fine he tells them, when they bother to even ask. It's rare that anyone does when everything seemingly is going well.
They see his mask and think it's real.
Get up in the morning, eat breakfast, send Liv to school, go to work, go home, eat dinner, go to sleep, repeat.
Robert and him haven't been as intimate as they once were, they are both to blame for that. Robert too busy, he does suggest it more and more, the hints are getting more and more frequent.
Aaron turns him down, tells him that he's too tired. Sometime though, even his urges are too big and he gives in.
It's not as spontainous as Robert thinks it is. It's very well planned out, it has to be.
Aaron is very good at it now. What kind of shirt he's going to wear, down to his socks and even location and what day it is going to be.
It works. Nothing has been noticed.
He's wearing slightly longer socks now, they do their job well, they hide. Like everything else he wears it has one purpose, to hide.
It can't be on a day too soon after, it can't be on a day he dwells on the pain, it has to be a little after. It has to be healed a bit and the pain has to had subsided a bit.
He has to admit that it's getting harder and harder to pic a day, the breaks in between is getting shorter.
He talks to his therapist, well and truly talks and there he is being listen to. There he is told that what he thinks and feel makes sense and it is just as important as anyone elses thoughts and feelings. There he is told that he should make them lsten, make them try to understand him. He did try in the beginning, it didn't work. He foun it was easier to just not try, everyone would be happy that way. When he had told his therapist that, he was asked if he was happy.
That's the thing, he doesn't feel sad, he's not feeling angry but he's not feeling happy either, or content, he's not feeling entirely numb either. Confused maybe, he's not sure what his own thoughts exatly are telling him most of the time. He allways has other peoples opinions and solutions in there in his head knocking down his own.
He knows he shouldn't, he knows it's not a healthy thing but once a week on the day of therapy, that is a day Robert and him wont be intimate. Robert thinks it's beacuse of the session, that they are draining for Aaron, and that he wants to be left alone. Robert doesn't argue that and leaves Aaron alone.
It starts when he's in the car and gong home. He get's in his car, drives a little further down the road and starts the cars cigarette lighter an he waits for it to be hot enough.. All the way back to the village he goes back and forth between a burning sensation that lingers for days to come, and a sharp immidiate sensation that he knows all to well.
Just before he reaches the village he pulls over on the side of the road, he checks himself, he checks the inside of the car, no evidense left behind and the he drives home. He aarives home with so many types of pain and a pang of satisfaction that from the outside it just looks like a hard time at therapy and a long work day. It's a rythm he enjoys and when the next day comes he feels good and fullfilled, by not being caught, for being able to smile and for people to think that today is a good day.
He has told himself enough times that what he's doing is okay, that it is him coping and he's not hurting, that he has convined himself that it is okay and the he could stop if he wanted to, he has convinced himself that right now he doesnt need to stop and he doesn't want to.
He knows he's good at it, he knows he's good at hiding and pretending but deep deep down he do wish that someone could tell, that someone could see what was going on. Usually he ignores those thoughts and shakes them off, he tells himself 'No, that's not what I need or want' and he then think that it isn't what they need, they have been through enough.
Sometimes it does feel like he's trapped, he doesn't know if he feels more trapped in the house, in his head, by his feelings, by his family, by his so called coping, he just knows that he feels trapped. He knows he can't tell anyone, he doesnt want to, this is his thing, his alone. Thoughts about hating it has popped up now and again, but he thinks to him self that it can't be right and that it must be the therapist or his mom talking. He is so trapped within himself that he truly hasn't realised that he really is.
He doesn't feel depressed, not like he has before, it's not the same feeling insie of him. He doesn't see a depressed person when he looks in the mirror,. No one else seems to either.
His appetite is not what it used to be, he doesn't feel hungry, he does eat when they are sat down for inner, maybe he's not eatinf as much as he used to.
He eats breakfast when Liv and Robert are up at the same time as him but when it's just him he doesn't. He hurries out the door and go to the scrapyard. He simply forgets to eat, it's easy to forget when the feeling of hunger is not there. He doesn't think about it too much, heeps himself busy.
His clothes fits differently, he throws some more layers on, to keep warm, to keep the questions away.
He listens to people around him, he cares about them, helps them, he will always put them first, always pick his loved ones over anyone else, even himself. He sees nothing wrong with that.
The upcomming weekend in one Aaron is looking forward to. Liv is going to visit her mom, Robert is going away for bussiness and Moira has invited Chas over on friday and it's more than likely that she'ss stay 'till at least saturday evening knowing their fondness of wine and similar.
He gets to be alone, for once he gets to be all alone. To enjoy the mill, to not be woken up and otherwise disturbed by Liv blasting her music, or stomping past their bedroom. He get's to go out for a run, or two, if he feels like it. He doesn't have to hide, he an wear what he wants an do what he wants, he doesn't have to wait in the car to do what he wants. He might even get his appetite back.
It's a good sign, them going away, they feel secure enough, to let him be alone. They trust him, they believe him. It's good.
He hugs Liv goodbye, tells her that he can't wait for her to come back, and he means it, but he's looking forward for a bit of time alone, Liv will be back sunday evening, and he has promised her to pick her up. He kisses Robert goodbye, they promise to text or call every day, Robert will return monday at evening. He will miss them, eventhough it's not very long that they will be away, but he will also enjoy them being away.
They have left, he's alone now. He's not sure what to do with his time, s he goes to the scrapyard, there's always some paperwork to be done.
walking away from the scrapyard he feels a sudden pang of loneliness and being lost, he can't deal with that right now, he knows how to make it go away.
He hurries to the mill. He goes to the bathroom, gets what he need out from different hiding places and is trying to chose. He feels lost, he doesn't understand why. He tries, liek he has several times before, to argue with himself, to convince himself that it isn't true, he's not lost, he has everything under ciontrol but the doubt grows, he knows how to amke him self sure again. He's not lost, not trapped, he's fine.
He finds himself being lost in a different way now. The red dripping has him lost in thought of the colour and the different shades of it, how it drips, how it changes. He shoudln't enjoy the sight, he never has, not like this, but the satisfaction has gotten bigger, then facination of it all have him almost in tranced, it has never been like that before. He was scared when he first caught himself staring, then it happended so often that he stopped being scared and in a way imbraced it. It gave him just as much calmness at the deed itself, almost.
He doesn't have to hurry to clean up, or clean himself, he doesn't have to come up with a lie to hide anything, the lies do make him feel strong in way. Knowing that no one has caught on to what he's doing.
They tricked him, not Liv, she apparently had no idea of anything. They tricked him. Saturday evening he was in the bedroom, shirt off, trousers of, socks off, he was sat only in his boxers on the floor, with his back againt the bed, he was looking in the mirror in fron of him. He had noticed that even more weight had come of, but other than that he didn't look bad, the marks and scars was alright, he's used to t, and noone else could see them. He looks fine he thinks to himself.
He took the piece of metal he had heated over a candle, he palced it over his thigh. Then, then it happened, the moment he realised they had tricked him.
The door to the bedroom opened, Paddy, Chas and Robert, looking at him in horror. He stood up, schocked, not able to speak. he still had the piece of metal in his hand.
Chas looked horrified, gasping along side Paddy. All three of them had a look of disbelief on their faces.
Aaron's brain went blank, it went numb, he coudln't deal wit them now, he had his whole weekend planned out, he had this planned.
It was like thay waited for him to speak, to say sorry to cry. No he wasn't going to do that, he had this under control, they didn't he did.
- I didn't no you lost that much weight, I knew you had lost a bit, but Aaron, this.. Aaron looked at Robert like he didn't care what Robert saw, he didn't see the same thing, he looked fine.
..
They all has their eyes on the man infront of them. How could they have been so blind for so long.
What they saw was a shell, a shell that they all had helped create. They had not been there for him, not in the right way, they all realised that. All of them had anger, and anger that prevented them to talk to eachother properly, to listen and compare notes so to speak. They did that too late. they were all so blind, they schould have listened to Aaron, truly listened. It shouldn't have been him doing all the listening, all the nodding.
They were so afraid it might break him but truly they were the one doing so.