Chapter Text
BAZ
There’s no one else on the railway platform. Just me, and the grey morning light. All the parents will come in on the next train, and all the students will leave with them later this afternoon. Tomorrow, if they’re eighth years. They’ll want to stay for Leaver’s Ball tonight. But for now, it’s just me. I’m sitting on my trunk, head in my hands, trying to think about anything but last night. But I can’t.
Last night confirmed everything I’ve always known. Snow’s a bloody hero, and I never will be. No matter what I do, I’ll always be a monster in his eyes. Dark creature. I carried him out of there, and he still turned away. I could see the disgust on his face. I try to tell myself I don’t care. Of course I care. Even more so after last night. After he sacrificed himself. For me. Courageous fuck.
He was brilliant. But he doesn’t want me.
At least it happened now. I have the whole summer away. I can forget about him. Maybe this will do the trick. One final rejection. One final confirmation of what I've been telling myself for years. I try to think about something else. Anything else.
Crowley.
Even now I can’t let go. I can’t forget how he told me to protect myself. Can’t forget him calling my name, calling for me... Can’t forget his hands on my shirt. Or the smell of smoke as he slept in my bed. How am I ever going to sleep in that bed and not feel him there? The way his back pressed into my chest each time he took a breath. And how I couldn’t relax until he took the next one.
I’m utterly spent. I fed before the fight, but then I used more magic in a few hours than I would normally do in weeks. And then I couldn’t sleep. And I couldn’t stay.
Part of me regrets leaving. If Bunce hadn’t been there, maybe we could have talked… maybe…
No. This is exactly why I had to go. I can’t keep up this stupid dream anymore. It’s sick. To want something you know you can’t have. To obsess about it. The only sane thing is to move on.
But I can’t.
SIMON
I don’t think about Watford when I’m in care. I don’t let myself. I don’t think about the food or my room or Penny or Agatha or the Mage. It hurts too much to be tormented with all the good things you can’t touch. But thinking about Baz has always been the exception. He never was a good thing, never a thing I thought I’d miss, so he wasn’t off limits. I’d spend all summer wondering what he was up to, what he was plotting for me… Like last summer, I grew three inches and I kept wondering if I’d finally be taller than him. Kept imagining what it would be like to look down on him, finally. But I got back and he was still taller than me. And I think he’s grown since then, too.
Only, I don’t think I mind so much now. I kind of like it. Actually, the more I think about it, I like a lot of things about Baz. I always thought I was dead jealous; of how strong he is, and graceful, and good at sports, and magic, and languages. But now I just admire it. It’s just… cool. I dunno. I mean, don't get me wrong. There's still so many things about him that drive me mad. He's so smug and posh and even when we're not fighting, he still doesn't let his guard down. I still never know what he's thinking. But...
But I keep thinking about how nice it’s going to be to go back and not worry about fighting him anymore. To be like it was back in March when I could ask him about homework, and just talk... I know I shouldn’t, but I think about what it would be like to have his help fighting the Humdrum. Between Penny and him, they’d have it sorted by Christmas I bet. I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t even know if he’d be willing to do that. I mean, Penny says he can’t be a complete villain, not if he’s fighting werewolves. (Will he still do that, now that he’s been Turned? Again?)
“I don’t think you’d have feelings for anyone truly evil,” she said before we left Watford. "And no one truly evil could be interested in you."
I hope she’s right. I know he hates the Humdrum as much as any mage. I know he does nice things for people he cares about. I know he cares if I live or die. And I know he’s a blinding good kisser. That’s not really proof of anything, just nice to remember. I spend whole days remembering that. It fills up half of June.
Then there’s the other half. The other thing I can’t stop thinking about that’s not quite about Watford and therefore not off limits. I killed a person.
Penny told me the werewolf was Dr Lang. I remember him. He took an interest in me in our third year, and I liked his class. I’ve always done better in science than Elocution or Magic Words or any of the bloody languages at Watford. He even thought I might do well in a career in science, which was nice of him to say considering we all know I really only have one future. I was sad when he left, and used to ask his daughter how he was doing when I'd see her. And now I’ve killed him. I don’t even know if she knows.
Penny says he was bit in our third year. That was my fault, too. If I’d have only taken the were dogs out sooner, none of this would have happened. I relive the night of the full moon over and over, sometimes even in my dreams. I scare the other kids in care when I scream myself awake. I must have said something in my sleep, because I’ve heard them whisper that I’m a killer. And they’re right.
If only I hadn’t gone off… But I had to. Penny says the harness was what helped Dr Lang keep control of the beast inside him, and I’d already destroyed that. If I hadn’t destroyed the harness… But that was an accident, and I only did it because he was going after Baz. If Baz hadn’t been there… But I probably would have gone off just the same, that’s what the doctor wanted… I go around like this in circles, but it does nothing but make the black hole in my chest bigger. I can’t undo it. Nothing makes it ok.
I guess Dr Lang told Penny he knew he was going to die. That it was all part of his plan. He didn’t tell her why, though. Then someone destroyed all of his notes, so we never will know what the hell it was all for. It’s all so miserably pointless.
I get angry with him sometimes. That he put me in that position. That he purposely pushed me to that point. And I don’t even know why. That his daughter won’t even know what happened to him, why he’s gone. I’ll have to face her in the autumn. I’ll have to tell her. If my parents were dead, I’d want someone to tell me.
Anyway, when I get really low— like, lower than low, sub-basement level low, I think of Baz. I remember that in that moment, I thought it was the beast or Baz. And I made the only choice I could make. That is, if Penny’s right and Baz isn’t evil.
Thank Merlin, Penny is usually right.
PENELOPE
Agatha and I have hung out alone three times this summer. Three times I've tried to tell her about Baz and Simon, and three times I've donked it up. It's probably hard for any girl to hear that her ex has moved on, even if she is over him already. Is it going to be even harder to hear he's moved on for a bloke? I keep thinking, she has to understand. I mean, she’ll get it, right? Since she had a crush on Baz, too. But maybe that only makes it worse. Like being rejected twice over, by Baz and Simon. I mean, it's not her fault or anything. Like, literally nothing she could have done would have made them want her. (Wait, maybe that makes it worse.)
I have to do it today. We’re painting our nails, and I’m sure there’s a better way to do this with magic. Some way to make the polish go on and dry instantly. That way you don’t ruin it when you inevitably have to pee as soon as you’re done applying it. Agatha is getting bored. She’s probably going to leave soon, and I have no idea how to bring up the fact that Simon and Baz kissed. (Maybe because I have to pinch myself every time I think it.)
“I wonder what Simon’s up to this summer.” I try to sound like I’m just thinking aloud. (It’s the best I can manage.)
Agatha shrugs. Great. Good job, Penny.
“Are you two still not talking?” I try again.
She shrugs again. Morgana. “We’re not not talking,” she finally says. “I mean, we said goodbye at the gate.”
“Do you think you’ll come back to sit at our table in the fall?” I’m asking for myself as well. I do miss Agatha.
“Well, yeah, sure. Sometimes.” I frown. She shrugs and looks away. Is she going to be sitting with Dev, now? Wait, is Baz going to be sitting with us? “Sometimes I’ll probably sit with Trixie and Keris.”
I nearly knock over the bottle of Vicious Trollop I was using. “Why?
"Because I'm their friend? You know, just because you don't like them doesn't mean they're not good people."
"Good people? Good people would have the common decency not to make out three feet from my head when I'm trying to sleep!"
She shakes her head at me."Sometimes I think you're a little homophobic, Penny."
"Pardon?" I say, mocking politeness. I'm this close to telling her. This close to blowing her clueless little mind.
(Or maybe not.)
I just tell her I would think it's was gross no matter who Trixie snogged if it was three feet from my face.
"Well, outside of that, they're actually pretty nice. Really into girly stuff, unlike some people." Agatha sighs and starts packing up her nail polishes. Penelope, why do you put your foot in your mouth so much? And doubly so with Agatha?
"Hey, I'm sorry," I say quickly. "I think it's cool you're hanging out with them. I don't have to get it."
"Thanks, Penny. I think that was almost nice," she says. She lets me squirm for a second, then laughs. "I never thought you'd be thrilled about it. But can you not..." she closes one eye and scrunches up her face, "can you not make me feel like a prat about it? 'Cause I really don't want to spend the last two years at Watford only hanging around guys who've chucked me. Or who I've chucked."
Oh. Maybe I won't tell her then. In fact, I think Simon should tell her, if anyone. Maybe no one will have to. Maybe the whole thing will fall apart and she won't even have to know. Except, that would be awful. Merry Morgana. What if it doesn't work out?
"Pen? I really do have to go." I didn't notice Agatha has stood up and is waiting for me to walk her out. "I'm meeting Keris and Minty to go shopping. You... you could come?"
I know she's only offering to be polite. The places those girls shop don't even carry clothes in my size.
"No, that's fine. Micah and I have a Skype date." It's not a lie. We do. Tomorrow.
Actually, I spend the whole rest of the afternoon looking up spells to cure heartbreak on my laptop, just in case. Simon’s always been obsessed with Baz; I’m afraid that won’t change even if his feelings for him have. If it doesn’t work out… I don’t think wallowing will cut it this time.