Chapter Text
“Make yourself at home, officer. Can I offer you a drink?”
The room smelled musty and sharp, like a bird cage that was well-overdue for a cleaning. Despite that, it was tastefully decorated and furnished, displaying its owner’s wealth without looking gaudy or overdone. Undyne grimaced. Of course, SHE would be picked to go check out the stupid rich guy based on some stupid complaint that couldn’t possibly be true. Scowling, she picked a little armchair and sank into it. The piece of furniture half-swallowed her with an agonized squeal as her weight overloaded the springs.
“A drink? Not while I’m working, skeleton,” she growled, wiggling around until only one or two hard, poky objects were sticking into her backside. This chair was NOT made for someone her size. “Let’s get right down to business.”
“You mean the noise complaints?” Edge reappeared, wearing a heavy scowl and carrying two glasses of amber liquid despite Undyne’s refusal. He set them on a small end-table and sat on the couch across from her. “My home is soundproofed, there is no possible-“
“No, not that. Apparently, you’ve got a-“ Undyne squirmed as something tickled her ankle. “Some sort of giant-AAAGH!”
Undyne leapt out of the chair as a flash of hot pain seared through her ankle, staggering into the end-table and knocking both glasses onto the carpet. She whirled, just in time to see the tip of a red tail slip out of sight beneath the chair.
“RED.” Edge said loudly, disapproval dripping off of his tone. “You know better than to bite strangers. Don’t worry, officer. He’s been de-fanged.”
“Then what the hell is this?!” Undyne shrieked, pressing a hand to the two, bleeding puncture-wounds in her leg.
“They’re false fangs, replacements made of gold,” Edge explained, pulling on a pair of long, leather gloves. “Red, come out here this INSTANT.
A pair of glowing, red eyes appeared under the chair, glittering as they looked up at Undyne.
“RED.”
Grudgingly, the head, arms, and upper body of a skeleton wearing a leather collar and a very dusty blue sweater appeared, followed by a thick, red tail formed of transluscent, scaled ecto-flesh. He hissed loudly at Undyne, then quickly skirted around her to cling petulantly to Edge’s ankle with both hands. Edge immediately tipped his head upward and slipped a thumb into the side of his mouth, ignoring the creature’s squeal of complaint as he examined his teeth.
“You’re going to bend your fangs if you keep ambushing my guests,” he scolded, slipping a finger around each golden fang as he checked for damage. Red snarled around his fingers, biting down on the leather of the glove and irritably shaking his head.
“I’m going to put you in the room if you don’t behave,” he said warningly, then withdrew his fingers. Red immediately slithered under another chair. Once safely concealed beneath the piece of furniture, he gave Undyne a filthy look and hissed loudly at her.
“That’s IT,” Edge spat, pointing down the hall. “Go on.”
Red whined, curling around himself as he shrank under the chair.
“Do I need to get the leash?”
Red wrapped his bony fingers around the legs of the chair, giving his master a defiant look. Edge rolled his eyes and pulled a long leather leash out of his pocket. Red hissed and struck at him when he reached under the chair to attach it. Edge seemed to be expecting the move and easily deflected the attempt, pushing his pet’s head aside to clip the leash into the collar.
“Don’t give ME that look, you’re the one who suddenly doesn’t remember his manners,” Edge scolded, tugging him out from under the chair and down the hall. Red whined and gave Undyne one, last, parting hiss before Edge pushed him into a room and locked the door.
“Sorry about that officer. Where were we?” Edge asked. The doorknob rattled, and an outraged squeal echoed down the hall when it refused to budge.
“What the HELL is that thing?!” Undyne finally demanded, voice pitched a little higher than she would have liked.
“He’s a lamia. Very rare, even more so because he’s male,” Edge said, expression suddenly intensely happy. “Most lamia are female, but-“ he broke off as a loud ripping sound emanated from the room that Red was locked in. “RED, IF YOU ARE TEARING UP MY PILLOWS AGAIN, I SWEAR…” Edge shouted, sprinting for the room.
Undyne stayed where she was, still clutching her ankle. This job had suddenly gotten a lot more complicated than ‘hey, we got some stupid complaints. Go make sure there isn’t a giant, man-eating snake in that guy’s house.
Shaking a little, she scooped one of the cups up off the floor. Miraculously, it still had a small measure of alcohol in the bottom. Taking a deep breath, she swallowed it down.