Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Sat, Dec 3, 2:16 PM

KYLE
Why do I have 23 snaps?
STAN
Oh god
Kyle
Help me
I can't figure out what to wear
Nothing fits and I haven't done laundry in like 55 years
KYLE
I don't like the Goth one.
STAN
No???
But it's like the only things I got that match
Like I was gonna try to go for a thing
KYLE
What thing?
STAN
IDK STOP ASKING QUESTIONS and help me
KYLE
Stan, relax. You don’t have to be so freaked out.
STAN
I see what you’re trying to say and I'm gonna say
NAH DUDE
NAH
DUDE
Fuck that
I'm fucking gonna freak all the way fuck out
KYLE
If it’ll make you feel more comfortable, I can stop by and help you pick something out.
STAN
What no
You can't do that
You can't see me before dinner with your family
That's like super mega bad luck
You're gonna jinx this whole thing up and your mom is gonna HATE ME AND SHE’LL SEND YOU TO PLUTO AND I'LL NEVER GET TO SEE YOU AGAIN CUZ NO ONES GONNA FLY A SPACESHIP TO PLUTO CUZ ITS NOT A PLANET ANYMORE EVEN THO IT'LL ALWAYS BE A PLANET IN MY HEART
BUT I’LL BUILD A ROCKET MYSELF AND SECRETLY GO TO PLUTO AFTER YOU ANYWAYS
SHE CAN’T CATCH ME IN SPACE
KYLE
Holy shit, you'll do that for me?
STAN
Baby I would plunge myself into Saturn for you
KYLE
That's unnecessarily romantic. Thanks.
It’ll be fine. Just be yourself.
STAN
so like a millennial riddled with student debts and crippled with anxieties and depression? Checked
KYLE
I'm 66% confident that she’ll like you.
67% if you lose the black eyeliner.
STAN
Stop trying to change who I am man
And I don't just want her to like me
I want her to think I'm the coolest shit since Brian Boitano
KYLE
Let's stay realistic here… No one can be as cool as Brian Boitano.
Look, she's been really looking forward to meeting you. She's already asked me twice today if dinner was still on.
STAN
Oh god why
Is she that eager to skin me alive ???
KYLE
It’s just my mom, not Satan.
STAN
No dude I met Satan
That guy is hella chill
Your mom is hella not
KYLE
It’s just my mom, Stan.
STAN
The same mom who said I have a foul mouth and said I stole you from Connecticut and robbed you of your bright future
KYLE
The same mom who knows what you did gave her son hope and love he couldn't have gotten in Connecticut.
The same mom who knows that I chose you over everything else for a reason.
It'll be fine.
STAN
You sure?
KYLE
I’m positive.
STAN
K right alright
It’s gonna be totally cool
I'm gonna wow her and she's gonna be like that Stan is a keeper and Kyle my boy you're so lucky to have him you should give him more smooches
KYLE
Gross.
STAN
Pfffh wev
You love smooching me ( *¯ ³¯*)♡
KYLE
God... I wish Kenny never showed you the emoji keyboard.
STAN
Aww you blushing? (*´∀`*)
KYLE
Be quiet.
Don't be late, okay? She might not flay you on the spot but it's definitely going to take points off. At least three if I remember correctly off the top of my head.
STAN
Are you fucking serious
Points?
Like actual points?
Do they matter?
KYLE
Yes, they matter. At the end of the night, that's how she determines where you rank on her shit list.
STAN
I thought you said it was gonna be fine
THIS IS NOT FINE
KYLE
Of course it's fine. We're happy together. That's all she wants to see with her own eyes.
STAN
You ARE happy right?
With me?
Like for real?
KYLE
I'm so happy I'm shitting bluebirds.
STAN
Those poor birds
KYLE
It’s just dinner. Be yourself. We’ll all have a great time.
STAN
k yeah it's gonna be all good
And just making sure
[photo: Stan in his Goth get-up]
No?
KYLE
Hell no.
STAN
Goddamnit

7:12 PM

KYLE
Stan? Are you all right? Do you need anything in there?
STAN
Mo it's find i just bed a minute
Duck typic
Fuck typo
I just need a minute
KYLE
It's all right. Breathe.
Take your time. Come out only when you're ready, okay?

7:31 PM

STAN
I'm sorry Kyle
I fucked up
Again
KYLE
Don’t be so hard on yourself. This is a nerve-wrecking experience. It’s reasonable to feel anxious.
STAN
I really want your family to like me
But I can't even get through this without losing my fucking shit
Fuck how many points is that
Anxiety Attack
-9000
Get right the fuck outta my house
KYLE
Don't worry about that right now. Focus on yourself.
I'm right outside, okay? I'm not going anywhere.
STAN
Yeah well no it's your house
Ofc you aren't going anywhere
Sorry
It's the nerves
How long I been in here?
KYLE
About twenty minutes. It's fine. I sent Ike to distract my mom. I told them you weren't feeling very well.
STAN
Great they must think I'm the worlds longest shit in their bathroom
Taking*
Fuck I can't even rip on myself properly
KYLE
Try not to clog the toilet or Mom will definitely take points off for that.
STAN
I'm sorry kyle
I am really trying
KYLE
I know and I'm proud of you, but I don't want you to push yourself either. Do you want to leave?
We can do this again when you're ready.
STAN
No dude
No I wanna stay
I gotta
I just need couple more minutes
I'm feeling better already
I swear
Just a couple more breaths
KYLE
Are you sure?
STAN
I’m positive
KYLE
All right. I'll be in the living room when you're ready.
STAN
Kk
I'm gonna be right out

7:40 PM

STAN
Kyle
Dude
Help
KYLE
What's the matter? I'm coming.
STAN
The toilet really is clogged
KYLE
What did you do?
STAN
I didn't DO ANYTHING
I swear
I washed my face then wiped with tissues then I took a piss then when I flushed it wouldn't flush
Then I mighta tried a couple more times and now water is like coming and it's like about to spill
Omg Kyle
What do I do

7:46 PM

STAN
Omg
This is like the pee tsunami I dreamt about
it's happening for real
I'm not ready

7:48 PM

STAN
Where are you???
I'm scared
It's coming
It won't stop
Omg I can't bredhe
KYLE
Hang on, I'm trying to find the plunger. Don't touch anything else.
STAN
OH GOD HURRY PLEASS TS COMING OUT
KYLE
Hang on shit mom is callig
STAN
ITS HERE
ITS GETTING ON THE RUG
KYLE
Close the lid. I'm still looking for the plunger.
STAN
It's not workeing
ITS NOT AORKING
KYLE
Grab a towel. Do something.
STAN
YOU TOLD ME NOT TOUCH ANGTBJNG
KYLE
I'm telling you to do something now!
STAN
IM JUMPING OUT THE WINDOW
KYLE
Don't you dare.
STAN
BYE BABE I LOVE YOU
KYLE
GET BACK HERE.

7:52 PM

KYLE
THE DOOR IS LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE. I CAN’T OPEN IT.
STAN YOU FUCK.

11:16 PM

STAN
Well I think all in all that didn't go too bad
Your mom was actually real nice to me
And Ike’s an awesome little dude
Your dad tho
Idk man tbh he gave me a weird vibe
Idk if I'm just sensitive with dads and think they're all assholes but idk I didn't feel good around him

11:25 PM

STAN
Kyle? You there?

11:38 PM

KYLE
I just came out of my second shower.
STAN
Lol how’s that going
KYLE
I can't get the smell of your piss off my feet.
STAN
LMAO dude
Pretty sure the rug soaked up most of it
And it was mostly toilet water anyways
Just don't think about it
KYLE
I can't not think about it.
I can smell it.
Elway can smell it.
It's on me.
STAN
Lololol aww poor baby
Alright how do I make it up to you
KYLE
You can start by getting a new set of rugs and paying for the plumber.
STAN
Done
Anything else?
KYLE
A full body massage and a foot rub.
STAN
You sure?
You don't think it's just gonna rub the piss into your skin?
KYLE
Fuck you.
STAN
LMAO I'm just messing with you ;D
KYLE
No, I'm seriously considering that that's a possibility now.
Damn it. I need to take another shower or at least wash my feet again. I feel unclean.
STAN
Make sure you really get in good there between the toes and under the nail bed
KYLE
Cut that shit out.
STAN
lololol alright alright no more pee joke for the night
Call me when you're done
I miss your voice :)
and I wanna know what your mom says
KYLE
Don't think that sweet talking is going to make my taking the blame for you even.
STAN
But I came back in and helped tho???
KYLE
After my whole family thinks that I clogged the toilet. You have no idea the lecture my mom gave me.
STAN
K yeah this whole toilet thing really sucks but you gotta look at the silver lining
KYLE
Which is what? That you didn't take a dump instead?
STAN
Yes and also I didn't get any pee on Craig’s jacket during the whole thing and I think that's a victory
Cuz you know Craig woulda broke my nose if I messed up his jacket
KYLE
Oh wow, congratulations, I guess it all worked out fine for you, huh. Isn't that nice?
STAN
It is
It’s very nice
Feels good too win :’)
KYLE
I'm going to stop talking to you before I lose my mind.
STAN
looooool like you could ever stop talking to me :3
Call me k ?

Sun, Dec 4, 12:07 AM

STAN
You done yet?

12:15 AM

STAN
KYLE?

12:29 AM

STAN
NOT FUNNY I THOUGHT WE WEREN’T GONNA DO THIS ANYMORE

12:40 AM

STAN
Oh shit sorry I didn’t mean to hang up on you

12:44 AM

STAN
CALL ME BACK

12:46 AM

STAN
ANSWER THE PHONE :(

Tues, Dec 6, 3:42 PM

STAN
I LIVED BITCH
KYLE
How did it go?
STAN
I think I did pretty ok
I mean
There was a couple things that were totally not on the study guide but I kinda remember him going over it in class
So I think I got a B in the pocket at least
KYLE
All right, with a B, you can pass the class with a C.
STAN
YAYAHAHAHAHAAH
I might actually make it through college lol
And it’s all thanks to you :)
KYLE
You did most of the legwork. I just did the nagging.
STAN
Nah
Not nagging
Motivating :)
KYLE
Look at you. Did the final fry your brain that much? You’ve gone soft.
STAN
Oh what lol
You want me to be mean? D:<
KYLE
The mushiness gives me goosebumps.
STAN
Awww does my grouchy baby not like when I’m sweet to him?
KYLE
Ugh, stop it.
STAN
Beautiful perfect ginger cookie
I’m heading home now
Meet me there
I wanna give you lots of kisses ok? <333333
KYLE
Oh God, you sound like Kenny.
STAN
[photo]
KYLE
Stop it.
STAN
[photo]
KYLE
Cut it out.
STAN
[photo]
KYLE
Stan, come on.
STAN
Lololol fine fine
But first look
( *¯ ³¯*) ♡ (* ¯ε ¯* )
It’s us
Look babe
This gonna be us
KYLE
[photo]
STAN
I thought you didn’t like the memes :0
KYLE
I like them when I’m the one using them.
I’ll come right over after work, okay?
STAN
Kk
( *¯ ³¯*) ♡ (* ¯ε ¯* )

Thurs, Dec 8, 11:08 AM

STAN
hey dude
You know I don't like bothering you when you're working
But this is important
Kinda like an emergency
KYLE
What's wrong? Do you need me to call you?
Hang on, I'll step outside.
STAN
No noit's cool
I just gotta ask you something quick
KYLE
What is it?
STAN
You remember that square beef jerky treat we got Elway and he loved it?
What was the name of it?
I can't freaking remember for the life of me and I'm at the store and I wanna grab him some more
KYLE
That's your emergency?
STAN
Kinda emergency
KYLE
I stepped out of a meeting with my team and my VP because I thought it was urgent.
STAN
Oh shit
Are you gonna be in trouble
KYLE
No, but you are.
STAN
D:
Shit sorry I didn't know you were in a meeting
Shit shit sorry
Get back to work
I'll figure it out
KYLE
It's called Ginger Cow.
STAN
Thank you babe
Should I fake an emergency tho
Like to get them off your back?
KYLE
What do you have in mind?
STAN
Uh
Tell them
Your boyfriend ate gluten and now he got ebola
KYLE
Ah, yes, an explosive death in which your guts splatter all over the place. Most tragic.
STAN
Right? Totally a super mega real emergency
KYLE
I’ll keep that in mind if it comes down to it.
Grab dinner on your way home please?
STAN
Yeah sure
And don’t worry
It’s gonna be gluten free ;)

Sat, Dec 10, 9:16 AM

STAN
Dude
Dude
Omg dude
KYLE
Yes, dude?
STAN
I gotta tell you about this crazy dream I had
KYLE
Did you dream you were Toolshed again?
STAN
Nooooooo
But damn I wish
This was way more awful
KYLE
What happened? Tell me.
STAN
k oh man
I don't even know where to start it's so random and out there
Uh so I had a sex dream about Clyde ?
KYLE
Wow. Clyde? Really?
STAN
IKR? Omg it was so weird
I don't even remember much of it
It's like becoming a blur thank god but holy shit
It was nasty man
I mean I know him since we were in first grade and he's like a brother to me
Oh god fuck
I shouldn't have put it that way
I made it way more fucking weird
KYLE
It's just a dream. It doesn't reflect your conscious thoughts. Most sex dreams don't actually have anything to do with the act itself. It’s oftentimes a reflection of the desire to incorporate a part of that person into yourself.
STAN
I love how you always give logical explanations and make me feel better
But dude ughhhh but why did I dream about him tho
KYLE
It is a bit unsettling.
STAN
Right ???
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuga fuck i don’t wanna go thorugh this ever again
KYLE
You probably would have enjoyed it more if it was John Elway.
STAN
What
No
No way
Dude No
That's not right
I wouldn't DARE
I'm not worthy
Also like he's my hero
KYLE
Kenny told me you said John Elway was your first wet dream.
STAN
And my idol I could never ever even imagine anything like that
WHAT THE FIVKEBY
FUCKINH KENNY
THAT WAS A SSCRET
KYLE
It's nothing to be ashamed of. Like I said, little to do with the act.
STAN
I was young I didn't know any better!!
I would never do that again
I’m not even gonna think about thinking about it
It’s wrong ok
There’s a line you don’t cross
KYLE
Also, he's old and not nearly as hot now.
STAN
Kyle
How
Dare you
How
In front of me
How could you
That's blasphemy
Oh my god I can't with you right now
I’m so disappointed
I can’t even
Oh my god
Get out of my sight
KYLE
You’re disappointed?
What about me? My boyfriend thinks John Elway is hotter than me.
STAN
Well I wouldn't say that
He's like just on another tier you know
It’s like comparing apples and gods
And you know I would sooooooooooooooo much rather dream about you than Clyde
Just thinking about it is giving me chills
KYLE
I actually had this dream about you a long time ago but I never told you.
STAN
Oh shoot really?
What happens in it ? :0
KYLE
Hmm, let me see if I can remember the details...
We were on a crowded train. I mean, crowded. Everyone was packed in like sardines, standing elbow to elbow. The train swerved and I backed into you. I don't think I knew you, but it didn’t matter. You said sorry. I said sorry. And I don't know if you held me against you or if it was just the crowd forcing us into that position but I felt you were hard. And your breath was on my neck, telling me exactly what you wanted me to do. So I bucked into you, rolling my hips, trying to make sure I gave you all the friction you needed. You grinded back up against me. Your mouth nudging against my neck, urging me to go faster. It was hot. So hot. Your fingers were slipping underneath my shirt. Nails, digging into my skin, pulling me back into you, holding me. Using me to get what you wanted. I squeezed your hand. And fuck. I wish you were inside me there and then. I wish I could ride you till you come but the only thing I could do was guide your hand on me to where I need you to go.
Then next thing I know, I was in Canada trying to save Christmas with Santa. I don’t think you were there though.
STAN
Dude
KYLE
That’s all I could remember.
STAN
Dude
Why a train
Omg there are people on there!
Grannies!
Kids!
High school assholes
Omg Kyle
THAT’S SO WRONG
KYLE
It was a dream. I can’t control where it takes place.
STAN
NOT ON A TRAIN FOR SURE
It should be like
Somewhere private
And quiet
And no one else except the two of you
And maybe some candles and rose petals on the bed
idk
KYLE
The two of us, somewhere quiet and private, sounds nice.
STAN
Yeah
KYLE
When can we make that happen?
STAN
Uh
Idk
Wait
Are we talking about what I think we’re talking about ?
I just wanna be sure so I don’t make an ass outta myself later
KYLE
I hope so.
STAN
K
Well
I mean
It’s not like
I don’t want to
Cuz trust me
Dude like
Dude
But like I also kinda thought it would just happen ?
Like when the time is right and all that
But I mean I get it if you wanna talk about it and stuff
Cuz I def want you to be happy and comfortable and ready and want to
And you're also like the least spontaneous person ever
I swear you like plan out your sneezes so nothing catches you by surprise
KYLE
I want to be with you, Stan.
STAN
Me too
I mean
I want to be with you too
KYLE
So how about we make the time right and all that tonight?
STAN
Yes
Heah
Yeah sure
We can
I mean
If you really sure and ready and this is what you want
KYLE
I want you tonight.
STAN
K
Cool
Tonight

1:54 PM

STAN
Uh so tonight is actually not good….
The guys are meeting up for DnD night at Token’s and I'm the DM
KYLE
Wow.
STAN
I know I completely forgot !
I can’t miss this Kyle
Ive been waiting 7 months to be the DM
If I skip they are never gonna lemme be it
Ever
I have to go
KYLE
Wow.
STAN
We can reschedule???
I'm totally free and yours for the rest of the week
And you should totally come tonight
KYLE
Yeah… I don’t think I’ll be coming anytime soon.
STAN
Kyle c’mon you understand right ?
KYLE
I do.
STAN
K so
I’ll call you when the game is over?
KYLE
No, I want to play too.
STAN
Yeah ???
KYLE
Yes, and I want to be the Drow Elf King, and you can’t say no.
STAN
Uh dude you know I would say yes
But I gotta run it by the guys first to make sure that’s ok
Gotta be fair
KYLE
Seriously?
STAN
I can’t bend the rules for you
I have my integrity
KYLE
I wouldn’t be with you if you were otherwise.
STAN
:)
I love you, Kyle
KYLE
I love you, too.
Go be a kickass DM and call me later, okay?
STAN
:Db

Tues, Dec 13, 12:42 PM

STAN
Is chicken kosher?
KYLE
You really don't have to do this.
STAN
I wanna do it
And chicken noodle soup is like the thing for flu
So I wanna make it for you
KYLE
Are you sure you're okay doing that? Don’t do it for my sake.
STAN
Yes I wanna do this for you
And it's fine it's not like I'm gonna eat it
KYLE
You're going to touch it.
STAN
Oh my god
Yes
I'm gonna
Buts it's fine
I'm doing it for you baby
KYLE
Stan, you can just make noodle soup.
STAN
But isn't the chicken flesh what gives the healing power
KYLE
You know what? I actually decided that I'm going to be a vegan too.
STAN
You are???
KYLE
Yes.
STAN
For real??
KYLE
Did I stutter?
STAN
Well I can't tell with texts :P
I know you're just saying this so I won't make you soup cuz you don't want me to feel bad touching a slaughtered chicken caracess
But you really don’t gotta do that
KYLE
To be honest, I've been thinking about it for quite some time. It's important to you, and I treasure and respect your values.
STAN
But you'll never get to eat the skin off KFC chicken and that's the best part.
KYLE
I'll do it for you.
STAN
You don't gotta
For real
Like I don't really care if you eat meat or not
KYLE
I want to.
STAN
:)
Alright but will you at least eat this soup I been trying to make?
One last omnivore supper
KYLE
Will you make it with some KFC chicken skin?
STAN
Whatever you want babe

Fri, Dec 16, 6:01 PM

KYLE
What’s the matter?
STAN
Uh
How did you know
KYLE
Because I know. What’s wrong?
STAN
Uh
So
I wanted to tell you but i guess I was still processing it and trying to figure if it was a good idea or not
But like
Gary called ?
KYLE
Gary?
STAN
Yeah
Gary
He’s in town and he asked if I wanted to catch up and stuff
But like i told him right off the bat that I was already seeing someone and he was like k cool
I guess he just wanna talk that’s all ?
KYLE
You should go meet him.
STAN
You think so?
KYLE
Yes. If he’s willing to open up that door after what you put him through, you need to give him the time of day.
STAN
I know
But like
Are you okay with that? I don’t wanna do anything that you won’t like
KYLE
It’s fine. Like I said, you owe him that much.
STAN
You sure?
KYLE
No, I hate him and I want him to burn in Mormon hell.
STAN
Dude
That’s a little much
Gary’s a cool guy
KYLE
I know.
Go meet him, Stan. Maybe something good will come out of it.
STAN
Alright if you say so
Or something really bad will happen and everything gets ruined to shit
KYLE
I guess we won’t know until we find out.