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„Did you come?” he asks while rolling off of her and laying back on the bed, steadying his breathing.
„Yes, baby, couldn’t you tell?” she grins and strokes his cheek.
No, he couldn’t tell, baby, because he wasn’t paying any attention. The whole time he was pounding into her, he was thinking of someone entirely else, picturing his handsome face just as red-faced, flushed and moaning as the girl underneath him.
He fakes a smile and wants nothing more than for her to disappear immediately.
„I’m kinda hungry, maybe we could order something?” she asks sweetly while dressing up, as he’s trying to remember her name.
„Listen, I’d love that, but I’ve got some things to do, I’m truly very sorry. Next time?”
The disappointment on her face makes him chuckle inside but also makes him feel a little guilty. He is not behaving like he always would, but he can’t bring himself to care about her right now, when he feels so miserable and humiliated himself.
„Sorry” he repeats and walks her to the door.
She kisses him on the lips but he doesn’t return the kiss and closes the door behind her.
He can’t even be a decent human being anymore, it seems. Fucking Armie. He’s ruining everything.
He sits on the bed, thinking he should take a shower but instead, he opens his laptop and reads the letter again.
I fell in love with Tim.
The words jump at him from the screen.
Maybe it’s childish or sentimental but he’s kind of angry at Armie that he never actually said it to his face. Seeing these words in a letter he wrote to his wife is a little unfair, to say the least. Frankly, it’s brutal. And it’s very telling about the nature of their relationship. He’s the usurper here. He’s the new shiny toy, he’s the third party, the home wrecker.
…the very first moment I saw him.
He’s pretty perplexed by this revelation, not even because he would have never guessed it, but because he himself didn’t fall in love with Armie at first sight.
He remembers that turning point very well. It was maybe fifth day of shooting. They were pretty familiar by this point, spending a lot of time together in Crema before the shoot. He felt comfortable around him, their rapport was unforced and easy, but he didn’t feel anything more than budding fondness, or maybe a hope for friendship.
Until that hot, beautiful day they filmed the piano-playing-flirting scene.
Timmy was incredibly anxious about it. He couldn’t really sleep that night and the whole day he was on his last nerves knowing he was supposed to play the Bach piece three times in one shot and act on top of it. He brought the tension with him on set and Armie recognised it right away.
They were filming the scene outside first - Elio walking to the house and compelling Oliver to follow him. The ground was hot from the sun and Timmy being barefoot but also extremely agitated was looking for his shoes in between takes when Armie unceremoniously grabbed him in his arms and said „Here, just stand on my feet”. It took him completely by surprise. It was ridiculous and they both knew it, laughing a little with not even a shadow of awkwardness. And Tim knew right away - from the way he held him and from the tone of his voice - that Armie did it not for the sake of his burned feet but to calm him down, help him with his anxiety. Their bodies were pressed together, they had to hold each other tightly to keep the balance. The direct contact with Armie’s enormous body, his steady breathing and calm heartbeat did the trick, it really did ease him down from his distress. But most importantly, in that precise moment another thing suddenly washed all over him, he felt it vividly in every cell of his body. He looked into Armie’s blue eyes, saw his smile so intimate and precious and all of the sudden the feeling of security and gratitude turned into unknown kind of bliss. He fell in love, just like that, and he was certain of it.
The greater part of him wishes it never happened. Because nothing about this love is safe and blissful. It’s a mess, a complication, a problem, and it’s dragging him down. But there is the other very small part of him that knows it was imminent, completely unavoidable even if he had been already in love with somebody else at that time. And that makes him empathise with Armie a little bit, because he quietly admits to himself that he indeed believes it was bound to happen regardless of any imaginable circumstances.
He checks his phone and sees tens of missed calls from evidently panicked Armie and even more texts. He deletes them all without reading and turns the phone off. This is crucial, he has to be consistent about this if he wants to survive. He really can’t do this. He can’t take on such responsibility, he’s 22 years old! He should be doing precisely what he tried and failed to do tonight - sleep around, have fun, live his best life. Maybe after a while it will become fun again, perhaps one day when he fucks somebody he will no longer imagine Armie’s hands on his body, Armie’s mouth on his skin and Armie’s groans in his ear. Hopefully.
He finally takes the longest of showers hoping the water will wash all of it away.
But obviously, that’s just impossible.