Chapter Text
Being in love with your oblivious best friend was rough, Rey decided. Really fucking rough. Especially when said best friend was also your room-mate. Seeing Ben Solo at his cheeky, happy best and snarling, misanthropic worst only made her love him more. Ben’s deep voice, broad shoulders and clean scent all turned her on so much. They were cosily domestic – cooking together, snuggling up on the couch, sharing their lives with each other. He was so perfect to her. Pity he didn’t feel the same way.
Rey burned with mortification when she remembered their drunken board-game night of almost a week ago. All of their little group of friends had been around, wine flowing freely as they played a raucous game of Cards Against Humanity. Rey hadn’t laughed so hard in her whole life. Her eyes kept meeting Ben’s, and he was twinkling back at her all night. She wasn’t imagining it, she was sure. After their friends had gone and they were drunkenly trying to tidy up, Rey kept brushing up against Ben. She went to teasingly hip-check him but he surprised her, grabbing her by the waist to twirl her into a drunken waltz for a moment.
“Ben,” she’d breathed happily, looking up into his laughing face.
“You’re blushing, sweetheart,” he’d teased her. She buried her face against his sweater and giggled.
“Can’t a girl blush when she’s dancing with her love?” They were having fun and it had just slipped out. “Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t – I mean, um? That is,” She was babbling in her panic, eyes wide and looking up at Ben’s face. As soon as she’d started to babble, she’d felt Ben tense up in her arms, and then he was pushing her gently away.
“Ben?” She’d been trembling, flush draining from her face as she watched his face shutter off carefully from her. They’d just been laughing and teasing and yes, alright, she clearly was in love with him but why was he shutting down?
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I think I got dizzy from the dancing. I’m going to turn in for the night.” Here he’d paused and looked at her so searchingly for a moment. All Rey could do was gape back at him, unable to say or do a thing. He’d turned away and walked quietly to his room, shutting his door.
Rey hadn’t been able to look Ben in the eye since then. All of their easy comfort had disappeared overnight. Ben had changed his work schedule so they hardly saw each other, and whenever she tried to have even the most mundane conversations with him he would beg off, claiming to be tired or late for something. He was being clear about how uncomfortable she’d made him. She was absolutely crushed.
All of Rey’s self-doubt from a youth spent in foster care had come rushing back. Of course, he wouldn’t love her back. She had mistaken their friendship for something else and had ruined it in the process. She thought back to so many nights of sharing their insecurities, their fears that their childhoods had somehow changed their capacity to love or be loved. Something niggled at the back of her mind but she was too upset to bother examining it. Why would he love her? He was successful, clever and gorgeous. She was just a scrappy college post-grad who could sometimes barely make her share of the rent.
So now here she was, hiding in her room from her best friend until she heard him leave for work, locking the front door behind him. Rey kicked off her covers, staring at the ceiling. Her instincts were telling her to pack her things and disappear. She looked around her room, trying to figure out how much money she had in savings, and whether it was enough to let her start over somewhere else. Finn would doubtless let her stay on his couch until she could get back on her feet. It was Friday, she didn’t have any classes today. All the furniture here was Ben’s (even though she’d begun to think of it as hers, too) – all she needed to take really were her clothes, laptop and books. The little pieces she’d added to their shared space were meaningless to her if she wasn’t sharing them with Ben. They could stay and he could get rid of them when he found a new room-mate.
Tears were slipping down her cheeks but it felt good to have a plan, to feel like she was moving forward again; moving away from a place where she wasn’t loved. There were a couple of empty boxes in their storage closet that would do for her clothes. She let herself cry as she started to pack, crying loudly enough to miss the sound of the front door opening.
“Rey?” She whirled around from where she had been taking things down from her wardrobe and into an almost-full box. Ben was there, in his work clothes, looking around at her room. He was staring at the empty chest of drawers. She brushed hurriedly at her eyes, and took a deep breath.
“I was going to tell you tonight. I’ve found a new place to live. It’s closer to campus.” She was lying through her teeth. She’d intended to be gone when he’d arrived back from work. All she wanted was for Ben to leave her and her stupid broken heart alone.
“And it’s so great that you have to leave immediately? This new place?” Ben’s voice was low and dark, and Rey refused to look at him.
“Yes.” She kept her shaking hands moving, back and forth from her closet to the boxes on her bed. Ben wasn’t moving.
“No,” he breathed.
Rey darted her eyes up to watch Ben. He was breathing hard, eyes shiny and wide as he stared back at her. Careful not to step on any of her strewn-about belongings, he paced over to where Rey stood, clothes still in her hands. He stepped right into her, bringing his hands around her in a tight embrace. He had appeared at her door so suddenly, she hadn’t even had time to imagine how he might react to her leaving. She didn’t think she could have imagined this. Her clothes fell to the floor as she let her hands snake around his waist. She felt one of his hands moving up to cradle her head and stroke her hair.
“I ruined this, didn’t I?” Ben murmured from where he was nuzzling her temple. Rey needed a moment to realise that it was Ben talking and not her. “You’re leaving because I freaked out over a silly joke. I’m so sorry, Rey. Please don’t leave me. I’ll try to be better, nothing will change. You won’t notice how I feel, we’ll go back to how we were.”
Rey couldn’t stop her crying, could feel her hot tears soaking into Ben’s crisp shirt as he pleaded with her. Something wasn’t adding up. Why was he getting so upset when he’d been so distant this week? A silly joke? She wouldn’t notice how he feels? Were they really as insecure as each other? Her tears slowed and her breathing evened out – she knew the answer to that last question. She rubbed her face against Ben’s, feeling his lips brush so lightly against her cheek as she pulled back to look up once more into his lovely face. His lovely, blushing face. Rey finally understood.
“It wasn’t a joke,” Rey said, quietly but clearly. She watched as realisation washed over Ben’s expressive face. “I’m going to try again now, since I was so terrible at telling you the first time. Ben Solo, I lo-“
She didn’t get to finish her sentence. Ben was kissing her desperately, his big hand carding gently through her hair. On wobbly knees, Rey kissed him back with everything she had. She gasped when he licked against her swollen lips, opening for him immediately so she could taste his tongue. When their kisses turned from searching to playful little nips at each other’s smiles, she pulled back again. This time, Ben beat her to it.
“I love you, sweetheart.”