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Tomoyo closes her eyes and leans against her hand, sighing. I can tell she's fed up with studying, and I have to say I agree. We've been at this for hours, and it's already dark outside. I nudge her leg from my vantage point on the floor. "Need a break?"
She sits up, surprisingly straight for not even being on the edge of the bed, and frowns down at me. "Only if you're sure you understand the material. We have to go to the same high school, Daichi."
"Yeah, I guess I get it," I half-lie. We've been friends for a couple years, longer than I've had any other friends, but a part of me still doesn't understand why Tomoyo is so insistent on this. I don't hate the idea of going to school with her, not by a long shot. Having her around makes me feel stable. Not so out of control. And, it keeps me away from kids who want me to get in trouble. I just wonder what the point of it all is, when there are plans much bigger than me ahead of her and I'm just some kid with no parents. I know I want to be a teacher, but can I even get there? Half this shit makes no sense to me. Not even my teachers believe in me. Being jealous of my best friend is stupid, but there are times that I wish I was as smart as her.
She sighs again and rubs her eyes, lifting her glasses slightly and then placing them back on the bridge of her nose. "Alright. I'll help you understand what you missed later, if you have questions."
"Nice, thanks." I probably do have questions, but my head hurts. I yawn, stretch, and close my workbook. Suddenly, I feel refreshed. Funny how you always feel more awake when you've finished studying. "So, what're we doing tonight? You said you had some big plan?"
(I'll be honest and say my mind went wild when she first said that when she asked me over to study. I consider her a really close and dear friend, but I'm a guy and she's a girl and I've been noticing that she's a girl more, these past few months. Maybe when she got that boyfriend she hung around with for a while before he dumped her. We're still only 14, but I haven't ignored that, underneath her baggy sweaters, she's starting to look more like a woman. And my body has definitely started telling me that I'm growing up, fast. I've been noticing girls more than I used to, and a couple of my buddies have pointed out Tomoyo and my close friendship. They asked if we're... fucking. Is it weird for us to be this close? Should we be fucking?)
She grins at me, and I try my best not to gulp. "Hang on. Need to get something from my brother." She gets off the bed and walks out the door towards her brother's room. I swallow, and fidget. There are a few things she could be getting... Don't know what they are. I know she gets her cigs from her brother, but there's a lot more that she could get. The perks of having an older brother in high school, I guess. Not that I'd know. Before I can let my mind go too crazy, she comes back in with her spoils. "Here we are," she says triumphantly, placing the six-pack of beer down on the floor next to me. "We're getting drunk tonight."
I remember what my parents were like when they got drunk. I remember what beer tastes like, too. I don't get the appeal. "You surprise me sometimes," I tell her, honest, because it's the first thing that comes to mind.
She sits down, putting the beers between us, and cracks open a can. "How so?" she asks, handing the can to me and opening another herself.
I sniff the can gingerly. It smells like... cheap beer. "You come across as this really prim and proper young lady, but you have a wild side, don't you?" She frowns. "Smoking and drinking in your parents' house... that takes some balls." She smiles at that. "I bet a lot of people would be shocked, knowing that you do this. And they say I'm the bad influence!"
Tomoyo chuckles, and she clinks the rim of her can against mine. "Cheers."
"Cheers." I don't know how loud we can be, because her parents are still in the house, so I practically whisper the greeting before taking a sip. Still doesn't taste good. Tomoyo coughs after she takes her first big swig. "Kinda gross, huh?"
"No," she says firmly, and takes a few more large gulps. I don't think you're supposed to drink alcohol that fast. I'm about to touch her wrist to stop her, but I hesitate. We touched each other all the time not even two years ago, but now it feels... weird. Invasive. "Gonna smoke too. Sure you don't want any?"
"Yeah, I'm good." She shrugs, opens the window, and closes the door, placing a damp towel along the crack. She places a cig between her lips and lights up, leaning against the window frame as she takes in a long drag and blows out. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think she looked extremely cool. I get up and stand next to her, trying to nurse my beer while we stare outside.
It's a pretty night out. The school year just started, so it's not too warm. The stars are out, shining brightly down on Tomoyo's shoulder-length hair and reflecting off of her glasses. I heard that the stars are brighter outside of the city, but this is all I've ever known, so fuck them for telling me this isn't beautiful. Without realizing it, I notice that I'm smiling at my friend. Despite her baggy clothing, she looks... gorgeous. I'm just glad to be able to share the same space as her.
I chew my lip and decide to field a question that's been bugging me. "So... why did Kazuhiro dump you? Seemed kinda sudden." I'm not really familiar with the guy; we don't hang out in the same circles. I mean, I get it. Stuff like this, dating when you're not even in high school, it's probably not going to last until marriage. Still, he was the one who asked Tomoyo out, and she told me that he dumped her not even two weeks after they started dating.
She frowns deeply and taps the ash off the end of her cigarette. "He wanted things that I didn't."
"Things...?"
Tomoyo side-eyes me and takes a long drag. "He wanted to touch me. I don't want that."
My throat tightens, and a flash of red blurs my vision for a few seconds. "That's really shitty of him!" I'm bewildered and frightened by my anger, especially because Tomoyo looks annoyed but otherwise unperturbed. "What the fuck. What the hell is wrong with him?"
"I suppose those impulses are normal enough," Tomoyo says, tilting her head and blowing out smoke. "Don't worry. I'm strong and was able to push him away."
"It's bullshit." I realize that I don't know what sort of drunk I am. My mom used to cry all the time, and, my dad.... I hope I'm not like my dad. I take a gulp of alcohol and cringe at the foul taste and bubbles burning my throat. "I'm so sorry, man."
She shrugs and takes a gulp herself. "It's for the best. To be honest, Daichi," she says a little conspiratorially, "I was primarily using him to anger my asshole of a father. Since he didn't notice, there's no reason to have him around anymore."
The vague red haze around my eyes dissipates. "I... see." I don't know why that calmed me down a little. Maybe it's the beer. "Well, I hope your next boyfriend treats you better." Being a woman sounds like a lot...
Tomoyo snorts and takes another chug of beer, and, realizing that the can is empty, crushes it. Whoa... "Yeah. If I ever have another boyfriend." She puts the empty can carefully by the combustible trash, and then opens a second.
I blink nervously, swishing the beer in my can. It's not halfway empty yet... "You sure you should go that fast? It hasn't even been a half hour."
"I can handle it," she says, brave and defiant, and takes a swig. Idly, she extinguishes her first cig on an ashtray she made at school ("As a gift for my father," she told me slyly as she lacquered it).
Something about this doesn't seem right. "You okay, Tomoyo? Just 'cause you can handle something doesn't mean you should."
She lights up again and gives me a long look. "Shouldn't I, if I can?"
I stare back at her, dumbfounded for a moment at how deep that sounds... but I shake my head. "That doesn't make any sense."
Tomoyo narrows her eyes and gazes deep into the night sky. I lean out the window with her and follow her gaze. I don't think she's looking at anything in particular. "None of this makes any sense," she whispers. Neither of us noticed how close we were for a second, but now I'm really, really aware of it. Heat rises to my face and I back away. "What's happening to you, what's happening to me." Her cig is mostly ashes at this point. "This world has fucked us over, so we need to fight harder than other people to make it."
"I guess." I don't understand where she's coming from. I don't agree with her anger over my situation, even though I understand it... but I don't get why she's talking about herself that way. She has a rich family, basically a guaranteed spot in esteemed high schools and universities if she wants that, and is well-liked by practically everyone. Sure, not many people get as close to her as I do, but nobody really tries to get to know her like me. I take a shot in the dark. "Sounds rough, being a woman."
She turns away from me, silent.
Maybe I fucked up there. "Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry." Invasion of private space be damned, I reach out and touch her shoulder.
"You can't know what this is like." The voice that comes out of Tomoyo's mouth doesn't sound like hers at all. I'm a little scared. "God, I wish you knew, I wish you understood."
"Can you tell me? I want to understand." She stares blankly forward, then down at the ground outside, and then finishes her second beer. I guess not.
"Aren't going to try to keep up with me?" Tomoyo asks, trying to brighten the mood with a challenge. Her speaking sounds a bit slurred.
"I know I can't. You should... probably slow down after that one," I start, but have to amend my warning after she opens her third and drinks deeply.
"I have to restrain myself all the time," she says, surprisingly despondent. "Please let me have this."
I'm starting to get worried, but I nod. Maybe if this was a party or something I'd be less aware of how much she was drinking, but I know that a lot of alcohol in a short amount of time can get you sick. "Just tonight." I know how to take care of people who are black-out drunk. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I'll help her if she needs me. It's the least I can do.
"Yeah." She scowls and grinds the butt of her cig into the ashtray with more force than warranted. "Just tonight." Tomoyo walks backwards into her bed, like that's what she was planning on doing, and sits down, staring outside. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not.
"Done smoking?" She nods, and I remove the towel and wipe up the wet spots around the door. By the time I'm done, Tomoyo is lying on her side, sipping her beer and curling in on herself. I sit down next to her. "Are you okay?"
She shakes her head. "I'm all alone."
This is probably a little too bold, but she's drunk and I'm buzzed so whatever. Gently, I brush the hair out of her face and rub the small of her back. "I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you."
"Mmm." She looks up at me, bleary-eyed. I'm not sure if her eyes are glazed over with drunkenness or tears. "'S not that simple."
"I worry about it too," I blurt out, and she blinks slowly. "About us... not being friends anymore. It seems so weird, not being friends with you. But I don't care who you are, Tomoyo. I don't care what you do or anything like that. You're my friend and I'm not gonna leave you alone." Tears roll down her cheeks, but she wipes them with her baggy sweater and drinks the rest of her beer. "You really need to take care - "
"Stop," she tells me firmly, and, wobbly, sits up. "Stop."
"I just - "
"Stop." She holds her head. "I hate this. Give me another." I feel like a demon being controlled through a forbidden spell, but I follow her command. This will be the last one, I promise myself, no matter what she says. She nods in acknowledgement, lies back down on her side, and takes a sip of her beer. "This tastes like shit."
"No kidding."
Tomoyo looks me over, eyes unfocused. "How can you be the way that you are?" I tilt my head at her, but let her continue without interrupting. "You seem... to genuinely like people without any ulterior motive. How? And how can you be so sure that you aren't going to hate me someday?"
I shrug. "I dunno. I don't like thinking about the future, and I can't imagine you changing too much."
She laughs bitterly and takes one final gulp before attempting to rest her drink on her blankets. I grab it before it falls over. The last thing she wants is beer soaked into the mattress, especially if she doesn't want her parents to find out we've been drinking. Maybe I'm covering my own ass. "You don't know."
"Guess not. But you're my friend, so I don't care."
Tomoyo looks absolutely miserable, and is apparently getting more drunk by the minute. "Shouldn't be bothering you with this. Not with everything else."
"Everything else? All I've got is hanging out with you and screwing around with friends." She sniffles and rests her head on my thigh, shivering slightly. "It's not like you're a low priority for me. I chose to come here on a Saturday night to study with you, right?"
"Mhm."
"And I'm allergic to studying." This is probably a lot, but she's, like, half-cuddling me, I think. As cuddly as Tomoyo gets, anyway. She never liked initiating hugs and stuff even when we were little. Maybe it's a sign. "I want to be here with you, so don't worry. I'm not going to leave." She starts crying, audible this time, and I slowly rub her back in circles. "Shh. It's okay."
"'S not okay!" she argues, equally frustrated and sad. "How do I even describe how fucked up this is?"
A dark thought jumps to the forefront of my mind and I stiffen. "Were you, hurt or anything when you fought off Kazuhiro?"
She shakes her head. "Nothing like that." Laughing bitterly, she adds, "I still have my dignity." She balls up her fists. "I don't... know how to explain it in a way you'd understand. I unsure if I understand it myself."
"You can try. I'm not going anywhere."
Tomoyo closes her eyes and is still. For a minute, I almost think she blacked out, but then she speaks. "You probably don't remember the day we met. But, I immediately saw you as someone... different." Gah? I look away and pray silently that she doesn't look up at me (or my incredibly red face). "You were like the other kids, all the other boys, but you never treated me any differently."
I try to silently clear my throat. "Um, ah, I mean, I never thought you were special because your family had money or something. I just always thought you were cool because that's how you are."
She laughs, but it sounds strained. "That's not what I meant." She takes in a few deep breaths, resolving herself. I think I'm going to die before she's done. "You might not remember, but my hair was short. I cut it off myself. The first time we met, you treated me like... I was a boy." Slowly, I turn my gaze from the ceiling back down to my friend. She's smiling wistfully. "It made me so happy. To be treated like anybody else." Tears start rolling down her face onto my lap. "Even when you found out that I'm a girl, you didn't treat me differently. But I'm scared."
"Why?" My nervous excitement has mostly turned to confusion.
Tomoyo, struggling, sits up. Her face is red from drunkenness and crying, lips slightly parted. She thinks hard for a moment, eyebrows knitted, then meets my eyes. Determination burning within, she takes off her glasses and folds them next to her, her gaze unyielding. Slowly, she takes a deep breath, and lifts off her sweater, staring at me after it's above her head, and clumsily throws it behind her. Her t-shirt sticks to her skin with sweat. I try not to stammer and stare. "This is why." It's rude to look too hard, so I don't, but her shape isn't the same as it used to be. Putting it bluntly, she definitely has boobs. I bite down hard on the inside of my cheek and look away. Not now, body.
I can't say I know much about what girls go through when this starts happening to them. All I know is through manga and stuff. Tomoyo doesn't match either of the embarrassing situations that are usually written about, and she's my only female friend, so I'm at a loss as to why she's upset. "I, um, don't get it."
She frowns, panting, and then a panicked look enters her eyes as she covers her mouth. "Trash." It takes me a second to register, but I'm able to understand why she said that fast enough to react. I grab the trashcan and bring it to her in time for her to get sick. Suddenly, it doesn't matter that her body is more exposed to me than it normally is, and that a part of me has been wanting to see her like this, even if it was out of curiosity. She's my friend, and she needs me to take care of her. Any other thoughts of mine are shoved aside.
It takes a minute before she stops, at least for now. "Can you walk?"
Shivering, she shakes her head. "Don't think so. Blurry."
"Here." Carefully, I put the trashcan aside and scoop one arm around her back, putting one of her arms around my neck. "I can carry you."
She pushes me away, or tries to. "Don't treat me like a girl. Not that weak. Help me walk." I'd argue, but she's already getting off the bed and leaning on me. As slowly as I can while still considering the fact that she could puke again at any minute, I guide her to the bathroom, letting her walk into me. I don't think about how comfortable her weight feels against me.
After I shut the door behind us, Tomoyo crumples to the floor and crawls over to the toilet, where she starts throwing up again. I feel guilty for giving her that last beer... but I wonder if that even did anything. Cautiously, I lock the door and crouch down next to her. "I'm sorry," I say softly, and try to keep the hair out of her face. She doesn't acknowledge me, but I'm not surprised or bothered because she's actively getting sick. Sighing, I rub her back with my spare hand. "Shouldn't have let you drink so much."
"Nngh... my fault," she says, coughing. "Wanted to... show I'm stronger than, my stupid body." It looks like she's more or less done. Her cheek is pressed against the toilet bowl. "I'm the stupid one."
"You didn't need to push yourself. But now you know." I get up and wet a washcloth. Tomoyo flinches as I clean her face. "Feeling any better?"
She sighs and closes her eyes. "Kind of. Need a shower."
She does, but I have reservations. "I don't want you to slip and fall. How 'bout I get you some fresh clothes?" Weakly, she nods. I grab a cup of water and her toothbrush from the sink and hand it to her. "This'll help too. If you don't think you can do it or get confused, just wait and I'll help when I get back."
"Not that drunk," she says begrudgingly. I watch her start to brush her teeth, just to make sure she's not going to choke or something, and go back to her room.
There's a few things I need to do. First, dispose of the evidence. Luckily, she got all her puke in the trash, so I tie up the bag and replace the liner. I grab the remains of our beer-drinking and place that in a separate bag, and, very quietly, sneak downstairs to put them in the correct garbage bins. Looks like her parents are asleep. I breathe a sigh of relief. Her sister and brother haven't really bugged us either, thankfully. Her little sister seems to be a heavy sleeper and her big brother... I don't know what to make of him, but he knew we had beer so I guess he figured whatever we're doing is none of his business. Once I'm safely back in her room, I look through her clothes for things for her to wear. Her wardrobe is surprisingly sparse - most of what she has to wear are spare uniforms. There are some really girly looking clothes that look like they've never been worn, and a handful of oversized t-shirts. Based on what she said tonight, the choice seems obvious. There's a pair of sweatpants that looks too big for her, so I grab those, too. Hope this was okay. Finally, I tidy her bed and put her glasses on the nightstand, just to be sure they don't get crushed.
When I enter the bathroom again, Tomoyo is leaning against the sink, looking at herself. "Let me try walking," she says, turning her gaze to me through the mirror. "I think I can do it."
"I'm not sure. Let's have you change first, okay? I'm going to turn around, but, um, let me know if it's a problem and I'll help." I had to help my mom change her shirt before, so it's not like I've never helped a girl change. I put the clothes down next to her hand and face the door, staring at the wood grain's patterns as I hear the rustling of fabric behind me.
"I'm decent," she tells me after a moment, and I turn around. She is definitely fully covered, her dirty clothes in her arms, and it looks like the clothes she's wearing are making her body more relaxed. She still looks uncomfortable. "Daichi," she starts, but loses confidence in what she was going to say.
"Yeah?"
She chews her lip. "I always liked that you didn't treat me like a girl. I... don't want to be a girl."
I raise an eyebrow. "Okay?" I can understand that. Based on how society works, I wouldn't want to be a girl if I had the choice either.
Tomoyo sighs, her breath shaky. "Could you, always treat me that way." There must be something hidden in her words, but I can't understand it now. She looks like a caged animal, begging me to let her free. I don't know what the key is to let her out.
"Yeah, sure." I care about her too much to reply any other way. Maybe it'll be hard, but I want her to be happy, and if treating her like she's just one of the guys makes her happy, then so be it. "Let's get you into bed now."
Her smile is so warm that I don't care that I can't treat her like a girl. I wonder if I should even think of her as a girl. I'll have to ask that later, at a better time, when she hasn't been drinking. She stumbles once on the way to her room, but I help her steady and let her walk on her own the rest of the way. Groaning, she faceplants onto the bed and lies there.
I nudge her. "It's not safe to sleep like that when you've been drinking."
"Hurts to lie down like this."
Shaking my head, I turn her over on her side. She grunts and squeezes her eyes closed, but doesn't fight me and doesn't argue. A thought jumps in my head, and, as much as a part of me is telling me this is stupid, I feel like I have to say it. "Can I sleep in the same bed with you? Just to make sure you stay safe."
Tomoyo nods. "Yeah." She pulls a blanket up to her nose. I can't confirm or deny if she looks adorable. "You're a good friend."
"Well, you're a great friend."
"I've never cleaned vomit off your face..." she starts, but yawns and curls in on herself. I lie down behind her. Unsure of how she might feel in the morning and not trusting my body to cooperate with me through the night, I use the spare pillow and put it between us. In my head, I'm wrapping my arm around her waist to make sure that she doesn't roll on her back as she sleeps. That's definitely why I'm doing this. No other reason. "You're warm. Feels nice." I exhale deeply, trying to avoid her attention. "Thank you, Daichi."
"Night." She hums softly. Before I know it, I can hear her deep, slow breathing. She's dreaming now.
Somehow, despite my heart beating fast and being so close to Tomoyo, I fall asleep quickly.
(I feel conflicted when I wake up in the morning with my arms empty, Tomoyo gone from the room, but I keep telling myself this is for the best and that we need each other like this more than anything else.)