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Mourning.
That’s exactly what Sam was doing as he walked through a tragically quiet and empty part of a town near the bunker. He couldn’t bring himself to really find out where he was, he just didn’t care.
The party that was thrown when they left the other World was satisfying for a hot minute, the joy of knowing he saved people and that they might actually win blocking the harsh cloud or regret and guilt he usually felt gnawing in his gut.
But as soon as it ended, as soon as Lucifer stole Jack’s grace, tried to get them to kill one another, that happiness faded and the harsh cloud of reality took over.
He was never going to be happy. Everything was temporary, his happiness would never last.
That only seemed to prove itself even more when Dean arrived. Only, it wasn’t Dean, not entirely. Together he and Michael killed Lucifer— Something he did celebrate for a mere moment. The being that tortured him the most in his life was gone. He felt a lot lighter, even if he couldn’t exactly see the light at the end of the tunnel— before Michael completely took over.
Sam went home, then immediately left again.
He planned on doing this after the party anyways. Planned on taking a moment to truly mourn those that he lost.
But mostly, he wanted to mourn Gabriel.
His mind was becoming numb, and a part of him desperately yearned to drink the feeling of complete pain that was settled painstakingly in his heart away, to feel the true buzz of nothingness. But the smarter side of him knew he’d have to deal with this eventually. So no drinking.
Sam stopped in front of an apartment building, watching the neon sign of a bar across the street light up temporarily before flickering off again, the process repeating over and over.
He sighed, ignoring the cloud of air that came with it in the nights cold.
He came here to mourn, to remember, and to admit.
He mourned Gabriel because, although Gabriel had that side of him— That Sam personally thought was mostly fake— that could be dickish to the extreme and annoying, he began to care for him when he revealed himself as the Archangel Gabriel and tried to help them lock Lucifer back in the cage.
This feeling of caring came back full force when he found out Gabriel was alive. Broken and tortured, but alive.
Gabriel gave up so much to help them, and for that he couldn’t help but blame himself for pushing him to help them.
Sure, he didn’t push as harshly as Dean, and in a less extreme way, Cas, but he still did and he shouldn’t of. He knows better than anyone else exactly what it feels like to be tortured and broken. To be scared to face things that usually wouldn’t make your heart even stutter a beat.
Because of that Sam couldn’t help but think they were being selfish, forcing Gabriel to come with them even though Gabriel obviously felt useless and weak.
That probably only magnified when Sam died and Lucifer taunted him endlessly.
They wanted Gabriel to help them save the world. But they also wanted the people they loved back. For that, they were selfish. Selfish to force Gabriel to help more than was needed. To give up his life for them.
Sam sighs again, heavier this time, before tearing his eyes away from the neon blinking sign. He continued his trek down the silent streets, having no real destination in mind.
He came here to remember Gabriel’s smile, the way his eyes lit up when he found something particularly amusing or interesting. He came to remember the way Gabriel’s mischievous smile sent pleasant tingles of warmth up Sams spine, something he didn’t truly understand at first.
The way his eyes shone an angelic blue when he fried Asmodeus, the small smirk that lilted his lips when his torturer burned to a crisp.
Sam remembered the wings that shadowed on the Bunkers wall, how the wing span was elegant and large. How it looked so beautiful even though Sam couldn’t see more than the shadow of them.
The way Gabriel could take things seriously more than Sam thought he could. How Gabriel seemed to care about the Winchester’s, even if he would never admit it.
He just came to remember who Gabriel was.
And, well, as for the admitting? Sam was in love with Gabriel.
He felt like he always had been, in a weird way. Ever since he met him, as the charming janitor at Crawford, he felt that tug. Like this man was special and he shouldn’t let him go. Mystery spot put a tamper on that flame, but it burst into a stronger warmth when he found out who Gabriel was. When he truly understood him. When he forgave.
Having him back again made him realize yet again that he was desperately in love with him, and he never told him.
He never wanted to push it on Gabriel, knowing he was healing from years of torture and didn’t need love that he might not even accept on top of all of it.
But at times, he almost felt like he should’ve. When he told Gabriel that he needed him, he felt like an “I love you.” Was in proper order. But a soon as that thought entered his mind at the time, he quickly dismissed it. Gabriel just escaped his torturers hands. Telling him that he loved him, something pretty huge, immediately after Gabriel went through years of having his mind and will broken probably wasn’t a good idea.
So he stayed tight lipped and told him that he needed him instead. Because, well, he did. It wasn’t a lie, he did need him. He needed him to help them. Needed him to be with him because he was.. Selfish. But mainly, he needed Gabriel to be himself again. To be the holy and truly powerful being he always saw him as. He needed him to be Gabriel and bring him hope again.
He felt it was worth it, seeing Gabriel talk to him for the first time in years. He didn’t need to say I love you.
He felt like he should’ve told him he loved him when Gabriel was upset that he couldn’t bring him back. He saw how dim Gabriel’s eyes were, how he looked like he felt utterly useless when Lucifer mocked him. He wanted to kiss him and tell him that, No, you do matter, you are not useless, and I love you. but again, he felt like it wasn’t the right time. That he shouldn’t push when Gabriel was obviously so torn up.
But, if he happened to put his hand on Gabriel’s shoulder when no one saw, giving it a squeeze that he hoped said all the words he didn’t, that was his business and no one else’s. It was also no ones business if his hand lingered for longer than properly necessary before he finally let go.
Finally, right before Gabriel decided to sacrifice himself for them.
Again.
Sure, Gabriels first sacrifice wasn’t exactly real, but it still impacted him. Seeing Gabriel so ready to lay his life down, made him almost scream to stop, because he loved him! He couldn’t lose him, not like this. But Gabriel was already rushing off, ready to fight Michael, and Dean was already guiding him back. He knew it was too late. He knew he let it slip his grasp again.
Gabriel died, and his heart broke into a thousand pieces.
So yeah. He was out on a depression walk, because the one person he loved the most since Jessica died and he never told him how he felt.
And he died because of him. Because of his selfishness.
He’s an idiot.
Sam leans against the wall of an apartment building, a humorless chuckle escaping him. He felt that maybe it was best that he never told him. Gabriel was an Archangel something incredible and amazing. He didn’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve him when they first met, and he didn’t deserve him when Gabriel died for them.
Gabriel was good. He was the only Archangel who was at this point. And they were selfish, forcing him to accompany them to an apocalyptic world, knowing the risks.
Yeah, he definitely didn’t deserve Gabriel.
Still, he couldn’t help but think as he slowly sunk to the ground, wrapping his arms around his knees, he did care about him. Even if it wasn’t just as a friend, so he would mourn. And he would remember Gabriel as he was.
A hero he never really wanted to be.
First, though..
He prays.
He knows Gabriel won’t hear it, but..
“Gabriel, I- uh. Well. You’re dead. And I’m.. sorry. We shouldn’t of pushed you to come with us. We shouldn’t of.. we just shouldn’t of bothered you in the first place. And now you’re dead, you’re gone because we did. I hope wherever you are.. you’re happy. And free of pain. There’s so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to do but I..” A choked sob escapes his parted lips, and he realizes that tears were building up rapidly. He was so focused on the prayer that it didn’t hit him just how broken he felt right now. He let the tears fall. “I just.. I didn’t do it, because I’m an idiot. And now you’re gone. I.. I just hope you’re feeling peace now, Gabriel. I’m sorry, and.. Goodbye.”
Silence lingers for a long moment, and Sam focuses on the warmth of the tears trailing down his cheeks until- A voice breaks through the silence, one so achingly familiar that Sam feels his body freeze into place for all of two seconds before he scrambles off the ground.
“Why dwell on what could’ve been or what you could’ve said, when you can say it right here, right now, Sam?”
Leaning against the wall of a building in the alley was exactly who he was mourning, who he prayed to.
Dirty blond hair, twinkling honey eyes, blue greaser jacket and green shirt. Gabriel.
He stood up properly, facing the Archangel from a couple feet away, he tried to gather his bearings. Because he saw.. He saw him die.
“Gabriel-“ he chokes out, hiccuping for a moment, fat tears making his cheeks go from semi dry to wet all over again. His legs started to shake, and he cursed himself for crying again. “You- you’re-“
Gabriel furrows his brows, a frown on his face, which makes Sam stop his pathetic attempts to talk.
Before Sam knows it, he’s pressed against the alley wall in a blink of an eye and Gabriel’s leaning against him, strong arms wrapped around his waist.
“Sam, I’m here, now. Let it out.”
And he does. The dam that was already cracking bursts completely, and he clutches the Archangel like a life line as hiccups and sobs escape his trembling body.
He mushes his face against soft hair, tears making the Archangel’s hairs wet. Sam feels bad for it in the back of his mind.
He’s sure that he might be bruising Gabriel’s vessel with how hard he’s clutching his back, but he doesn’t care. Because Gabriel’s here now and he- Fuck, he loves him and he never wants to lose him again; Never wants to make the mistake of forcing Gabriel to do something he didn’t want to again.
Gabriel makes soft shushing noises whenever Sam sobs too hard, and before long one arm unwraps from his waist to card through his hair in a soothing motion.
Sam’s breathing steadies after awhile, and the crying stops. He feels partially embarrassed, because he just kind of had a breakdown on an Archangel, but the other part knew he needed to let this pent up pain out eventually.
But to have Gabriel back seemed so unreal that.. he just didn’t know what to think.
Even though Sam stopped crying, Gabriel didn’t move and his hand still carded through his hair in a slow rhythm. He had his chin softly settled on his chest, and he was looking up at Sam.
“Go ahead and ask, Sam, I know you want to.” Gabriel whispers quietly, a quiet Sam isn’t used to from Gabriel but it’s still something he gathers and holds onto.
“You’re back.” Sam states the obvious, focusing on his whiskey gold orbs. They almost shined in the light, and the life in them made Sam want to cry again, this time tears of joy. “You’re alive but- how?”
Gabriel pulls back slightly, his eyes shining with more emotion than Sam expected them to.
Gabriel sighs, despite not needing to.
“Dear old dad appreciated that I gave my life for his favorite little humans, so he and Aunty put me back together and promptly sent me here. He was proud of me, too. For helping you two.” Gabriel pauses, a strange expression crossing his face. “I heard all of your prayer, Sam. Like I said before, you can tell me. I’m here now.”
Gabriel looked up at Sam again, and Sam just wanted to cry again and again. He looked at him with so much understanding and patience. He didn’t deserve it; didn’t deserve him.
“I’m sorry,” He let’s out in a shaky tone, fingers clutching Gabriel’s back harder. “For- For letting Dean act the way he did to you right after you were tortured. For letting him handcuff you right after you were forced into chains for years. For pushing you to help us when you didn’t want to. For letting you die. I’m just..” Sam sighs, staring deep into Gabriel’s eyes. He truly wants him to understand. And to forgive him, if that’s what he wants. “I’m just sorry.”
Gabriel looks stunned, and it breaks Sams heart that he didn’t expect this apology. Didn’t expect Sam to regret the things he did and didn’t do.
But then he smiles, a warm and soft smile, and suddenly Sams the one stunned.
“Sam.. I won’t lie and say I was happy with some of the things Dean did,” Gabriel starts, hands moving to Sams shoulders as he jerks his head up in order to stare into Sams eyes properly. “But I also understand why. He finally got his family back, even got new members, and they were torn apart again. You guys needed me.”
“Still, we shouldn’t—“ Sam starts, but Gabriel shushes him softly, so he clamps his mouth shut again.
“You guys are tragically emotionally inept sometimes, so I can see how Dean didn't always look from my perspective. Because he was looking from his. He saw an Archangel who could help him save his family, and save the world, and that Archangel was refusing and running from him and his brother. He wasn’t seeing me, a being who was tortured for almost a decade and just wanted time. Time away from being a hero, time away from having to fix the world. I just wanted.. time. To heal.”
Gabriel looked away, stepping back from Sam. Sams hands fell from his back, instead hanging limply at his side.
“I felt useless, Sam. I’m an Archangel, and I was reduced to a whimpering mess from a dumbass demon. I was ashamed that I let myself be broken like that. But you.. You did help me, Sam. You understood me more than your brother or Castiel did. But you too saw everything from your own perspective at times, and not mine. I don’t blame you guys for pushing me. I understand why you did. But again; I felt useless. Like I’d be no help. You died and I couldn’t bring you back, something I used to be able to do with a thought.”
Sam notices Gabriel swallow, noting it was an unnecessary thing for him to do since he didn’t need to do it. But he also noted that Gabriel was so focused on his words we was acting completely human, more so than usual.
Sam continued to listen, understanding and agreeing with every word Gabriel says. The guilt he felt lessened, If only a little.
“You comforted me for that, too. Don’t sell yourself so short, Sam. I know you care. And I forgive you. Okay?” Sam nods when Gabriel gives him a pointed stare. Gabriel smiled, his eyes looking warmer in the vague light of the street lamp near by. “As for the dying part? I was feeling.. Useless, like I said before. Like I was no help. I thought..” Gabriel trails off, and Sams heart squeezes painfully in his chest.
“You aren’t useless, you know. You aren’t weak or unneeded. I know.. I know we never said it but..” Sam hesitates, trying to find the words and feeling idiotic for never telling Gabriel that he was needed and cared for. He finally finds the words he was scrambling for. “And you didn’t need to be useful either. We pushed you to be there. You didn’t even get to recover. We shouldn’t of expected so much of you when you didn’t get that time to heal. That was on us, Gabriel.”
Gabriel’s smile stretches across his whole face, golden eyes crinkling with warmth. Sams heart definitely stutters a beat.
“Thank you, Sam.” Gabriel leans in a bit, an old familiar smirk on his lips. “Oh, and don’t worry.” Sam gasps softly when Gabriel’s eyes shine an angelic blue in the middle before turning completely brownish-gold again. “The tank isn’t teetering on empty anymore, thanks to Dad.”
Sam reaches out squeezing Gabriel’s shoulder. “I’m glad.”
There’s a moment of comfortable silence, before Gabriel speaks again. “Was that all? You said you had lots to say but I wasn’t sure if..” Gabriel doesn’t finish his sentence, but Sam notices there’s a strange spark in his eyes. Something like hope.
And Sam knows, now, that even if he doesn’t deserve him, won’t ever, that he should tell him.
Because now may be the last time he’ll ever get the chance to.
Of course, he feels awfully like a school girl when he starts to blush, though. It’s now or never.
“Gabriel..” He starts, fidgeting. He relaxes slightly when Gabriel gives him an encouraging smile. “Ihavefeelingsforyou.”
He lets it out in one big jumble, his face feeling as hot as a stove. He definitely feels like a school girl now, confessing to a crush— well, more than a crush, but still— and acting so cheesy about it.
He watches as Gabriel quirks a brow in confusion, obviously not understanding him at first, until surprise coats his face.
“You- You do?”
Sam nods sheepishly, steadily gaining more courage. He was Sam Winchester, the guy who went through literal hell and more death than anyone deserves to go through, he could tell someone he loved them without acting pathetic.
Probably. Maybe.
Let’s hope.
“Gabriel I..” Sam sighs, looking away. Who would’ve thought he’d confess to Gabriel in an alley of all places? “I love you. I wanted to tell you for so long but you’re an Archangel, something amazing and so so out of my league that I just assumed..”
“Assumed what?”
“That you wouldn’t want me the same way I want you. That you would realize that I’m not worth it.”
Sam finally looks at Gabriel again when the Archangel sighs over dramatically, rocking on his heels. He’s looking at Sam like he’s completely stupid for thinking that way.
“Sam, you’re the only one that will ever be worth it. You’re the brightest soul on earth. You try so hard and give so much even when others don’t deserve it. Sam, there’s nobody I would want more.”
Sam blinks once, twice. Dumbfounded by the words and the open and earnest look on Gabriel’s face.
“You mean you-“
“Feel the same way? Yeah, have for years now.”
Sam felt like his eyes were going to bug out.
“But- you could have anybody in the world. There’s tons to choose from, so why-“
Gabriel promptly cut him off by slamming his hands onto the wall next to his head at alarming speed, startling Sam so much that he stopped and jumped.
“Sam, I don’t care how many people are in the world. I don’t want them, because none of them are you.”
Gabriel’s eyes held such a fierce intensity, one that held so much longing, appreciation, understanding, and forgiveness that Sam blushed at the feeling of that stare being because of him and him alone.
“Sam,” Gabriel starts again. “I forgive you, remember? You could’ve done much much worse things to me. You did save me. You’ve saved so many people, Sam. Don’t let one mistake make you feel unworthy. You’ve more than made up for anything you may have done wrong on this Earth.”
Sam opened his mouth to protest, but Gabriel shut him up by leaning up and- Pressing his lips against his own. Only for a second, before moving back again.
Gabriel looked nervous all of a sudden, and Sam was so startled and happy by the sudden contact that he didn’t speak immediately. Not until Gabriel uttered his next words.
“I love you, Sam. I’ve forgiven you, Gods forgiven you. You just need to forgive yourself.”
And Sam- Sam feels his lip tremble, but instead of crying like he did earlier, he allows the warmth of the words to coil around him like a soft embrace, before he leans down and cradles Gabriel’s face before he kisses him.
And he does it again, again, and again. Soft lips meeting, Smiles shared and a couple giggles— literal adorable giggles— escaping Gabriel, until Sam pulled away eventually, lips swollen from all the kissing, but a dopey grin on his face anyways.
Gabriel grins in turn. “I’m so glad we’re going to be kissing more often, especially if it makes you smile like that.”
Sam laughs for the first time in days. “I could say the same to you.”
Gabriel’s grin quickly turns soft and warm, and he takes one of Sams hands that are still cradling his face and intertwines it with his own.
“I love you.” Sam blurts out when Gabriel suddenly smiled at their conjoined hands like a piece of him has been completed.
Gabriel looks back up, eyes crinkling. “I love you, too.”
Sam let’s out a breath, utterly content.
Gabriel tugs him off the wall, before pulling him out the alley. “Where are we going?” Sam asks, deciding to be sappy and swing their joined hands lightly.
Gabriel grins at him stupidly, probably enjoying it, before answering. “I definitely brought some light back to your eyes, but I can tell I couldn’t fix everything. There’s something else wrong. So you’re going to tell me what it is while we walk back to your bunker. I want to help ease your pain.”
God, they were both love struck idiots, weren’t they?
Sam sighs, remembering Dean, Michael, Jack.. and..
Fuck, Lucifer.
Sure, he was a jackass, and he was damn happy he was dead, but he was still Gabriel’s brother and.. And Gabriel loved him, once, probably still does despite how shitty his older brother treated him.
So Sam reluctantly tells him everything, from when they escaped after his death to now. It’s only been a couple hours yet all hell still somehow broke loose.
He wished his life was more exciting in a different way.
Gabriel looked relatively startled when he told him about Dean letting Michael in, but didn’t comment.
Sam also noticed that Gabriel’s face fell when he mentioned Lucifer stealing Jacks grace, and his death.
Although Sam was happy he was dead, he still couldn’t bear watching Gabriel’s eyes cloud with emotion.
“I’m sorry, Gabe.” He murmurs, squeezing their swinging hands. “I’m glad he’s gone but.. I know you cared about him.”
Gabriel sighs, looking at the ground as they walk. “I could never kill him myself, he was my brother. My family. No matter how much of a dick bag he was, I could never kill him. But.. I know he deserved it. That he was to far gone.” Gabriel looks back up at Sam, a resolute twinkle in his eye. “And he hurt you, Sam. He’s gone, and that’s what he deserves.”
Sam could only nod, a smile lilting his lips.
Gabriel spoke again. “Jack.. I can heal his grace. It might drain me a bit, but I can bring him back to full power, or at least close to it. We need all the help we can get to stop Michael.”
Sam blinked, surprise. “You mean you’re going to help?”
Gabriel looked at him like he was stupid, which, to be honest, he kinda was. “Of course, numbnuts. You think I’m just going to let him run around in this dimension and hurt my Sammy whenever he pleases? No can do, Sam. And you need your brother back. With your co-dependency, and all, you’ll lose your mind without him.”
Sam blushes at the announcement, but still frowns. “But what if you..” The ‘Die again’ was left unspoken, but he knew Gabriel understood.
Gabriel smiled softly. “I’ll do everything I can to stay alive, and you should too, Sam.”
Sam leans down and kisses him as a promise.
When they arrive to the bunker, Gabriel immediately heals Jacks grace.
Everyone looks dumbfounded that the Archangel is back, but Jack looks more happy than confused.
When the hunters finally piled into different rooms after asking questions and celebrating that an ally has returned and is okay, Jack hugged Gabriel.
Sam looked away kindly, knowing that Gabriel probably wasn’t used to this kind of affection and didn’t want to embarrass them both.
As Sam started to leave to go to his room, he knew Gabriel had hugged the Nephlim back if the obvious hum of joy from the kid was anything to go by.
“Wow, Sam, abandoning me so soon?” Gabriel pretends to snark as he strolls into Sams room casually. “I’m hurt.”
Sam was on the left side of the bed, laying over the covers. He lifted his head up and grinned at the Archangel. “Just wanted to give you some alone time with Jack.”
Gabriel huffs out a breath of laughter, ungracefully flopping down on the bed next to Sam. He wasted no time twining their fingers together again, and Sam knew he was blushing as his gut clenched with adoring warmth.
“I like the kid. He’s nothing like Luci. He’s good.” Gabriel hums, before turning over in order to face Sam. “He’s just like you guys.”
Sam copies Gabriel, smiling dopily when he’s facing him. He leans in and kisses him again, squeezing Gabriel’s hand as he does so.
Gabriel let’s out a pleased noise, moving his head to deepen the kiss slightly, before pulling back.
“I love you, Sam. I really do.” Gabriel says, that shy spark in his eyes once more.
Sam smiles a bright smile. “I love you, too.”
It’s then that Sam realizes that he was wrong about his happiness earlier. He could be happy for more than a temporary moment, he just had to give himself the chance to.
Gabriel grins at him suddenly, almost like he read his thoughts and agreed.
He most likely did, and Sam smiled.
Sam pulled him close, not bothering to pull up the blankets before cuddling him.
Gabriel chuckles, shoulders shaking, before snapping quickly. The room goes dark and they both get covered up.
Gabriel wraps his arms around his waist, face smothered against his chest. Sam smiles in the dark, before closing his tired eyes.
He loves him, and he would tell him again and again and again to make up for all the times that he never took the chance to.