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You are picking at your nails. It’s a nervous habit that pops up every so often. Since easing into a relationship with Sam, all your nervous ticks have started to fade away. He has opened up your life in a way you never thought possible. You laugh now, actually laugh. Ever since childhood, your laughter was nothing more than an insincere smile paired with a forced exhale. Until you met Sam, you hadn’t heard yourself genuinely laugh in years. Unlike the other people in your life, Sam could see though your perfected façade. He wasn’t satisfied until he saw true joy in your eyes. He isn’t what you would call ‘conventionally funny’. But his subtle humour captivates your reserved nature.
From the first time he got your eyes to crinkle with unrestrained happiness, it set you two on a path of ever growing closeness. He continues to break down your barriers and you trust him to do so.
But, some wounds can’t be healed by the safety you find in his warm hazel eyes.
So, here you are standing in the doorway of the motel washroom. Your hands tremble as you pick at your nails. The Winchester brothers are passed out and snoring slightly. Usually, the sight of their peaceful dreaming brings a smile to your face. But, tonight is different.
With only one vacancy in this one horse town, it was assumed that you wouldn’t mind sharing a bed with Sam. You two have been getting closer lately. So, neither brother saw the need for a discussion or the need to figure out an alternative. They thought it was no big deal. They don’t know. There is no way they could have known.
There is no way they could have known that the last time you shared a bed with a man you were supposed to trust, you were violated in one of the worst ways possible. They don’t know about your past and you have every intention of keeping it that way. You carry those memories with shame. The last thing you want is for them, especially Sam, to look at you with the same disgust with which you look at yourself.
They can never know.
Usually you insist on getting your own room. You have a long list of excuses you use to avoid sharing a room with the Winchesters. You tell them you don’t want to get in the brothers’ way or claim Dean’s socks stink up the room. Either way, you make sure to keep your distance.
As you stare at the brothers passed out on their respective beds, you take a deep breath. You ball your hands into a fist to keep them from shaking. You internally curse your insecurities. You know you have nothing to be scared about but the fear remains. As you take hesitant steps toward the bed, you remind yourself that this is Sam. He will never hurt you.
Despite his large frame, he has left you more than enough room to crawl in next to him. Your side of the sheets are cold but the heat radiating off of Sam is inching into your veins. You thought you would find another person’s body heat off-putting, but it is oddly comforting. His warmth is not invading but rather reassuring. It is a gentle reminder that he is there.
Your eyes flutter shut as you cling to the edge of the bed. You want to become closer to Sam. This is a major step for you, but actual contact may be a step to far.
You’re on the verge of unconsciousness when a large hand lands on your hip. Your eyes fly open out of habit. You assumed you drifted into one of your nightmares. It wouldn’t be the first time a cruelly vivid dream brought on unwanted sensations. But, now you are wide awake and the firm hold over your waist is only getting tighter.
You turn around to face the source of the hand. You need to reassure yourself that is only Sam.
His eyes are still shut but he’s awake. The soft smile on his lips and the slow circles his drawing over your sleep shorts tell you so.
“Is this okay?” Sam asks in a sleepy haze. He knows you are more reserved with affection. But he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out for you now that you are finally within reach.
You nod your head. Your breathing is ragged and you think your pounding heart may crack a rib. But to your surprise, you want this. The thought of him distancing himself from you is scarier than his touch.
It’s not until his eyes open do you realize he was waiting for a verbal response. His sleepy gaze makes your heart flutter in a different way, there is no fear. You nod again.
“We’ve never shared a bed. I can move onto the floor if you’re not-”
“No,” you interrupt him. “It’s okay. It’s nice actually.”
Sam’s eyes close again but a teasing smile replaces his soft one. “I saw that,” he whispers. “You’re blushing.”
“Am not!” You unconvincingly defend yourself. “You’re a liar. It’s too dark for you to see that.”
“I know all your tells,” is his simple response.
“Not all,” you say with more truth in your voice than you intended.
You watch Sam drift to sleep. If you close your eyes, your mind forgets whose hand is on your waist. So, you keep them open. Unshed tears prick your eyes when your mind tricks you into thinking it’s him and not Sam who has a hold over you. So, you wait. You wait for Sam to fall asleep. Once you hear his breath lighten and his soft snores return, you take his hand off your hip. You move back to your corner of the bed. Then, and only then, do you fall asleep.
“We should get going,” you suggest to the brothers the next morning. You want to get back to the bunker. One night in this layover town is one night too many.
“Nuh uh, princess,” Dean says with a mouth full of pancakes. “I’m not leaving without my redemption,” he continues after swallowing.
“You’re not serious,” Sam interjects from where he is lacing up his shoes on the bed.
“They said I had to finish that burger in twenty minutes or less. I did it in twenty-three. I’m not leaving until I get my name on the wall.” Dean says as if his brother is missing something obvious. Dean is more than happy to make everyone stay in this vanilla town for as long as he needs. He is determined to defeat the toughest burger eating challenge in the Midwest.
“So, we have to stay in this crappy town for an extra night so you can boost your ego?” Sam says with slight annoyance. Sometimes you wonder how those two are actually related.
“It’s good to have goals, Sammy!” Dean argues. “Besides, something tells me you wouldn’t mind an extra night sharing a bed with your little girlfriend,” Dean continues in a quiet tone so only Sam can hear him.
Sam throws a pillow at Dean and it catches your attention.
“Are you two done?” You ask with a giggle. You see Dean is annoyed that Sam got pillow in his maple syrup, and Sam’s annoyed Dean got syrup on his pillow. “We should get a move on,” you interject when you sense the start of prank war.
“Actually, I think we should stay,” Sam replies. His sheepish smile contrasts Dean’s self-satisfied and knowing smirk.
You enter the same bar you went to last night. There are the same waitresses, same patrons, and same sticky floors.
Dean makes a beeline for the bar. He informs the owner he wants another try at their infamous burger eating challenge. While Dean gets set up, you and Sam order a few drinks.
“Just remember, no matter what happens you will always be my burger eating champion,” you encourage Dean while he waits for his meal to be prepped.
“Thanks, kid!” Dean says as he wraps an arm around your shoulder and kisses your forehead. The gesture makes you smile. It’s not only because you like it when Dean treats you like a little sister. But also, the fact that you can accept his embrace without any fear makes you feel good about your progress.
Dean’s monstrous burger comes out. You and Sam take that as your cue to leave him alone. Neither of you want to watch him bust a gut trying to finish that thing.
You find a booth in the far corner of bar. You slip in across from him and he hands you your drink. He starts picking at the label on his beer bottle.
“So, were you okay last night?” he asks while still focused on his task.
“What do you mean?” you’re not entirely sure what he is trying to ask you.
“Last night, you waited until you thought I had fallen asleep then pushed yourself away from me. You were practically falling off the edge of the bed.” Sam doesn’t want to sound accusatory but he wants to know if he did something wrong.
The last thing you want is for him to think you don’t want him. “That was nothing. I just sleep better with my own space. I move around when I sleep. I thought that if I was far enough away, you wouldn’t be disturbed,” you lie.
“I didn’t feel you move once,” Sam says.
“Then my plan worked,” you offer him a shy smile.
“It’s not the first time you’ve tried pushing me away or wiggling out of my grasp as nonchalantly as possible. You’re always trying to get away from me without making it obvious so you don’t hurt my feelings. But, I always know what you’re doing. I put my arm around you, and you get up to go get a beer. I tried hugging you one time and you nearly took my eye out,” Sam reminds you.
“Hey! That wasn’t my fault. You snuck up on me. I wasn’t expecting it,” you defend yourself.
“Maybe that time, but every other time since then you wiggle out of it and never hug me back. I don’t want to sound needy but I just need to know if I make you uncomfortable. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want. We don’t have to take this any further. I would be happy just being your friend,” Sam informs you.
“You would? That would be enough for you?” you can’t help but sound disappointed. You know you’re a difficult person to get to know. But, you always thought Sam was up for the challenge. He always made you forget about your past. But now it sounds like he no longer thinks you’re worth the effort.
“It wouldn’t be my first choice, believe me. But, it doesn’t seem like you want me anywhere near you,” the rejection in Sam’s voice almost kills you. You don’t know how to explain to him how much he means to you. You don’t know how to explain why you are the way you are, without him thinking less of you. If he knew the truth, he wouldn’t want anything to do with you.
“Please don’t think that,” you lean forward on the table resting on your arms. “Please, I don’t want to lose this, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t mean to be so difficult. I just can’t help it.”
“First of all, you’re not being difficult. I don’t want you to think that I’m asking you to change or to do something you’re not ready to do. But, do you want to tell me why? What made you so afraid of a little intimacy every now and again?” he asks with genuine concern.
“Nothing special,” you can barely even convince yourself of that lie. “Please, I’ll try and be better. I can’t promise any big changes right away. But just being with you is bringing me out little by little every day,” that is the truth.
Sam reaches his hand across the table to try and hold yours. It is a simple gesture. But, you still have to stop yourself from flinching away. It isn’t until you look into Sam’s eyes do you fully relax and let his fingers intertwine with yours.
That conversation at the bar was a little over two months ago. Since then, you have been slowly letting Sam get closer. It started off with easing into a ‘hugging phase’. It even got to the point where you can fall asleep against him while you watch one of his boring documentaries.
However, your biggest step came when you had your first kiss. It was everything a first kiss should be. There was no fear or negative thoughts. There was only Sam. You thought that would be a major hurdle to overcome. But to your surprise, it actually came so naturally.
He was in the kitchen making a grocery list and asked if you needed anything. On his way out the door, you leaned up to give him a kiss goodbye. It was quick but it was everything. It was like you did it on reflex. You were both so surprised, you couldn’t do anything but stare at each other dumbly afterwards. That is until, Dean started clapping and yelling “finally” as he watched the exchange.
To anyone else, that kiss would be no big deal. Some may even call it a boring first kiss. But to you, it was perfect. You feel an indescribable joy knowing that you feel safe enough with Sam that you can kiss him without any of the fear you are used to. Even if it is only a small little peck, it is still progress. Kissing was always one of your least favourite parts. But with Sam, it is completely different.
You still can’t let things move beyond a simple kiss, but for now that is all you need.
Your past rarely rears its ugly head anymore. Your nervous ticks are all but gone. You don’t think about him. Aside from the occasional nightmare, you feel as though you may actually be starting to move on. And, it’s all because of Sam.
Unfortunately, you soon learn that you cannot outrun your past forever.
You are walking to the library when you stop by the kitchen. You hear Dean and Sam are in there talking, talking about you. You know you shouldn’t, but eavesdropping is one of your vices.
“I’m just saying, how long is a man supposed to wait?” Dean says. You hear the fridge open and shut.
“Dean, I’m seriously warning you to drop this.” There is a firmness in Sam’s voice that even has you a little scared to be on his bad side. You would not want to be on the receiving end of the glare Sam is no doubt giving his brother.
“Don’t get all pissed off at me just because I’m saying out loud what you won’t admit to yourself,” Dean responds.
“It’s not like that with her! I told you to drop it. So, drop it.” Sam threatens his brother one last time.
“Fine, but don’t say I never offered to help. You know I love Y/N, but she’s a little uptight. There is nothing wrong with being a prude, but I wouldn’t be a good big brother if I didn’t make sure you were being taken care of.”
Your cheeks flush with embarrassment. Is this what Dean thinks about you? Do they both think that? Your insecurities take over. Maybe you’re not taking care of him the way you’re supposed to. You were raised to believe it was your job to keep the man of the house satisfied. You spent years trying to overcome that indoctrination. Your father would ingrain that rule in your mind. So, it’s hard for those thoughts to not resurface.
It’s funny how it takes years to move past those teachings and in less than two minutes the dam can break.
You are too caught up in your own thoughts to hear the rest of their conversation. You don’t hear Sam telling Dean to go to hell. You don’t hear Sam threaten his brother to never bring this up again. You don’t hear Sam tell Dean that he has no idea what you’re dealing with and should keep his mouth shut. And you don’t notice until it is too late that Sam had stormed out of the kitchen and come in your direction.
Sam crashes into you but grabs your upper arms to keep you from falling backwards. For the last few minutes you have been lost in thoughts about your father. You were having vivid recollections of the heavy hand he would use to teach you his ‘lessons’. So, when Sam touched you while you were in the midst of a flashback, you couldn’t help but push him away in fear.
He lets go of you as if your skin is made of fire. You fall back and land on your bottom. Tears start spilling over your cheeks. Sam reaches down to help you up but you start crawling backwards away from him. He raises his hands up in defense to show you he means you no harm. Hearing the commotion, Dean comes out into the hall. He looks between you and Sam with confusion. But Sam is just as bewildered as his brother. The only person who has any answers is incapable of forming coherent words.
“Dean, why don’t you go get her some water,” Sam instructs his brother. As Dean leaves you alone, Sam crouches in front of you but doesn’t move to touch you. “I don’t know that you heard but don’t listen to him. Dean has a hard time understanding that a relationship can last more than one night,” Sam tries to placate you.
“It’s- it’s not that. Sam, I can’t do this,” you say through heavy breaths.
“Can’t do what? No one is making you do anything. Let’s just go back to your room and we can-”
“No,” you shake your head. “I think I need to leave. I thought I was ready. But I can’t do this.”
“Hey, whoa no. You’re not going anywhere. Just talk to me,” Sam urges you.
“I can’t,” you repeat. There is no way to explain this. He probably already thinks you’re insane. If he finds out the real reason why you panicked, he’ll look at you with nothing but pity and disgust.
“Yes, you can. You can tell me anything,” Sam pleads with his eyes.
For a second you believe him. If you had a clear mind, you would know that Sam would never judge you. He would never look down upon your pain. But, a lifetime of shame clouds your ability to trust anyone with your secret.
“No, I mean I can’t be who I am supposed to be for you. I can’t be who I want to be for you. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to give you…” your crying is making it hard for Sam to understand you. But he has a pretty good idea what this is about.
“Is this about your father?” he asks with knowing hesitation.
Your eyes snap up to Sam’s is pure shock. Where did that come from? How does he know? “Why-why…” you stammer. The fear that he may already know your secret makes it hard to form clear sentences.
Dean comes back from the kitchen and hands you a water. You accept it but cannot take your widened eyes off of Sam.
“I think we should go back to your room and talk,” he suggests one more time.
This time your stupefied limbs are too pliant to resist the efforts to get you off the ground.
You enter your room and sit on the bed. You don’t trust your legs to hold you up. Sam shuts the door behind him and pulls up a chair in front of you. He is wary to invade your personal space again.
“How did you-” you still can’t find the right words.
“You talk in your sleep. Or more specially, cry during your nightmares. I first noticed it when you came to live here. I would hear you screaming, then come in to check on you and you’d be passed out. I would try and wake you up but you’d be too lost in your nightmares. The only thing I could do was sit with you and hold your hand while you slept through it. It doesn’t happen so often anymore. But when it first started happening you would…” Sam runs his fingers through his hair. He lets out a sigh as he rests his elbows on his knees. “You would beg your father to stop and,” Sam’s jaw tightens as he continues, “you would beg him to get off and leave you alone.”
You squeeze your eyes shut and bury your face into your hands.
“It was always the same. It was always your father and he was always…” Sam isn’t quite able to say the words. “I knew it was more than a nightmare. It was a memory,” Sam says through his hesitation.
He pauses to give you the opportunity to tell him he’s wrong. He wishes more than anything he is wrong. He can’t bear the thought of you going through that kind of pain as a child. And, the fact you are still plagued by that pain today, breaks his heart. He is silently begging you to tell him he misread the situation. But you never do.
“You weren’t supposed to know. You were never supposed to know,” you say into your hands. “I know what this makes me. I know you must think I’m such a freak. I’m so sorry,” you continue.
Sam can’t stop himself. He needs you to hear him, to really listen. He leans forward and grazes your hand with his to get your attention. You finally look back up at him.
“Never apologize for what he did to you. Never. You are not a freak… I would know,” Sam says to remind you that he is no stranger to darkness. “I didn’t bring it up because I wanted to wait until you were ready to tell me. But, after what just happened I couldn’t let you suffer on your own anymore. You don’t owe me anything. I don’t expect anything from you. I can’t imagine your pain but this doesn’t make you any less the girl I love,” Sam says with purity in his voice. There is no hint of pity or exaggeration. He genuinely believes what he is saying.
He just said everything you’ve always wished someone would tell you. All your life you’ve been waiting for someone to tell you that it was not your fault. That you’re not a disgusting freak. Despite everything he said, the one thing you focus on is the fact he said he loves you.
You shake your head. “You shouldn’t love me. You deserve more. You deserve someone who can be touched without spiraling into a panic attack. You deserve someone who can touch you back. You deserve someone who can love you back.” You know you love Sam. That is a simple fact. But you don’t know if you’d ever be able to express that love. You don’t know if you’d ever be capable of sharing that love in a more intimate way.
“I’m only going to say this once, you are not broken. If anything, I don’t deserve you. You are capable of love. You may not be able to see it right now, but I see it. I see it in your future. I see it in our future. I don’t care if I have to remind you every day. You are worthy of love,” Sam moves in and you let him take your hand. “We can work on the physical stuff later. We’ll move at our own pace. Your smile is the only thing I need to keep me warm at night.”
You lower your head and bite your cheek to stop yourself from smiling. It feels weird to smile at a time like this but you can’t help it.
“I saw that. You’re blushing,” he teases you.
“Am not,” you defend yourself in vain.
Sam lets out a small laugh but decides to bring you back to the conversation. “He has already stolen your childhood and good portion of your young adult life. Don’t give him another second. Choosing to be happy will be your retribution. If you’re happy, he no longer has any power over you.”
You look back up at him and nod. You’re willing to try. You’re willing to continue moving forward. You know that with Sam by your side, he will make your bad days a little better and your good days even brighter. You’ll stumble. There may even be days in which you crash and burn. But, it’s a journey you’re willing to take with Sam’s support. You have a feeling you’re going to like what waits for you at the end of this tunnel.