Chapter Text
“He’s just a child Masaru!” Shouted the woman in both frustration and desperation.
Sawako was at her wits end on how to make her husband understand what she had come to accept. This was not the first argument they had about this topic and she doesn’t doubt that this wouldn’t be the last.
While she hated fighting with him like this, she was also desperate for him to remove his unreasonable shade of hatred, especially when it was directed to one who was undeserving of it.
“Don’t you dare defend that monster Sawako! That thing killed Aki, remember?! It killed my son!”
The reminder spitted out by Masaru was like a slap to her face and for a moment, she faltered at the face of it. Of course she remembered it well, she was there when it had happened after all.
Sucking in a deep breath, Sawako willed back the tears from falling and tried to sooth the sorrow gripping her heart.
“He was also my son.” Was the only thing she could say because she knew, if she were to throw jagged reminder in the air too, they both would be parting way again with bitter regret weighing them down.
‘But don’t ever think I loved Aki any less’ The words that went unsaid lingered on her lips but from the chastised look Masaru currently wore, he knew he had crossed the line again this time. But Sawako knew he didn’t regret his earlier words. She knew that to him, his hatred toward an innocent child was justified and it was all because they both had lost their own son to the beast that this child contained.
The silence that fell between them was suffocating, as it had always been every time they reached this point of their argument. The heated words being thrown around would always ebb away to silence whenever one of them stepped on this particular landmine. Anything regarding their son had always been a touchy subject to her husband and his death even more so.
Feeling like she can’t stand this smothering silence anymore, Sawako climbed up to her feet and smoothed down the amber yukata that she wore. It had been Masaru’s gift for their third anniversary, just before she revealed the result of her pregnancy to him. He was so happy that their son, Akiyama, was named because Masaru had fell in love with the deep autumn leaves that dotted the hem of this yukata, along with the fire illuminated mountain that decorated his own.
They both had hoped for him to grow up strong like the mountain, bowing to none no matter how harsh the wind that blew his way and be brighter than life itself in more way than just the vibrant red hair he had inherited from Masaru.
But then again, the hope was only wishful thinking because Aki didn’t live long enough to see his fifth birthday.
“I’m going out.” Sawako simply stated as she walked out from the room, not waiting for Masaru to say anything less their argument become prolonged.
She stepped out from the house they had bought when they decided to start a family together but those dreams of happiness filled future lay shattered at her feet, together with her heart and a piece of her soul. Losing Aki had changed things so much between them and Masaru had taken his death the hardest.
To her husband, Aki was his world. The symbol of a promise for a brighter future that he had dreamt of after losing it all during the war they both had fought in. Aki’s birth had brought back a part of Masaru that she thought she would never see again but with his death, that part of him and more were also lost yet again.
Sawako felt like she had lost more than just her son that night because Masaru was never the same after that. She herself had changed too, heartbroken with grief filling into every crack and the gaping hole of her son’s absence but unlike Masaru, she had duty to fall back on.
The Third had called her into his office one day, after the debris had settled and the dead were buried into mass grave. Sawako had entered the room with dark bags under her eyes from many sleepless night crying but duty called and she donned the flak jacket after tucking the picture of Aki she had spent the past few days staring into one of its many pocket.
What greeted her was the humorous sight of the God of Shinobi trying to calm down a crying infant while making funny faces at it, which only resulted in more tears. It was entertaining and it struck a chord at how normal everything was.
From the rumours flying around after the Third’s declaration of the infant’s status, she had expected some monstrous temper tantrum and heavy red chakra being thrown around much like that dreaded night but there was only the piercing wail of a baby. Assessing the situation, Sawako immediately knew what she was called for.
“You’re scaring him Hokage-sama.” She said as she stepped forward and at the man’s nod of approval, she scooped the child into her own arms. Looking down at the infant she hold, all she saw was a normal baby. Other than the lines on his cheeks that looked like whiskers, she could only see a normal human baby, albeit an adorable one with his tuft of golden hair and cerulean eyes.
Something in her clenched tightly because right here in her arms, was the vessel of the monster that had razed her village to the ground and with it, her own son. A part of her, that still lurked behind the porcelain mask she used to wear whispered for her to wrap her fingers around that fragile neck, to just snuff this brightly coloured child the same way her own had.
But her sense of duty and loyalty to the boy’s parents stilled her fingers. So instead of stopping at the throat that she could have just easily snap, her fingers moved up to wipe at the tears. Sawako could feel the sharp eyes of her superior and the many ANBUs on her, watching her every action with piercing scrutiny.
The wailing didn’t immediately stop but it tapered off to soft cries when the babe realized the change in environment. The eyes that met hers looked so human that it hurt to think that this child hold the very thing that had killed her baby boy.
Suddenly feeling like she couldn’t hold this infant anymore, Sawako held him the farthest away from her chest without dropping him and the Third immediately reclaimed the sobbing babe. With her hands now empty, Sawako used one of her hand to cover face, fingers pressed down on her closed eyelids to stop the tears welling up behind it.
It felt too much.
All of it felt overwhelming to her.
The haze that she had been stuck in for the past few days had finally snapped when the clear blue eyes of the child that contained the very thing that killed Aki gazed back at her. While it was not quite the shade of Aki’s more greyish blue eyes, the shape of it reminded her of him so much that it felt like a sucker punch to the throat.
With a shaky breath, Sawako asked the Third Hokage the question that had been playing on her mind.
“Why me?”
A sigh was her only answer for a while and Sawako didn’t look at the man until she have some semblance of control over herself. Even then, she only looked at Sarutobi’s face and carefully kept her eyes off the small bundle in his arms.
The man looked older, exhausted in a way that made the lines on his faces deeper and she was once again reminded how ancient this man was when compared to other shinobi. Their life expectancy was short after all and this man had lived twice longer than that. She absentmindedly remember hearing the man had also lost his wife that night too.
He was supposed to be retired, living the rest of his well-deserved retirement with his wife and family but in a single night, his life and the lives of many other was thrown into jeopardy. The successor that was supposed to replace him had died and the man was forced to return from retirement and bear the heavy weight of the hat once again.
And this time, instead of a village trying to repair itself from war, it was a village that had been turned upside down by the rampage of a beast that embodied the natural catastrophe. She had served him all her life, shadowing him for the majority of it until she decided to start a life for herself beyond the smooth porcelain mask she had built herself around.
“Because you don’t know them.” Was his response after a long moment of silence.
Politics.
Of course.
How could she forget the most powerful and hated driving force of a hidden village.
While she was the last of her clan, thus doesn’t have much sway in the council, she was still a proficient enough kunoichi that brought her under its scrutiny. She knew how it flows and which vapid snake to be cautious of and whose feathers shouldn’t be ruffled.
True to the Hokage’s words, she doesn’t know Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina. Sure she knew of them, how can she not when they were the Yellow Flash and Red Hot Habanero but she doesn’t know them personally. She had retired from ANBU for some time before Namikaze was inaugurated as the Fourth Hokage and she had only seen Uzumaki around.
Sawako knew why she was chosen instead of someone who should have better claim on this child than her.
It was all because she never interacted with the boy’s parents, thus no one would connect the dot on the true identity of the boy.
Sure the other clan heads will have their own suspicions since most of them were actual friends of the boy’s parents but none of them would be able to take him in due to conflict of interest caused by his status as Jinchuriki of Kyuubi. Besides, them taking him in would only paint a target on the boy’s back, more than the Third’s declaration of the boy’s status to the mass.
Adding that to her history in the ANBU that few know of, of course she would make the perfect candidate as the child’s caretaker.
It rankled her but she was also no fool.
While she knew the difference between the container and the thing it contained, that doesn’t mean others would too. Grief make people irrational and they would only make a scapegoat out of this boy if they were to leave him to them mercy of the orphanage.
A vengeful part of her whispered that the child deserved it but the moral that she had carefully balanced ever since donning her first Hitai-ate countered every dark murmur with logic. Losing Aki makes everything feel numb to her but she was also not too lost in grief to subject an innocent child to a life of abuse. The memory of her son wouldn’t allow her and Sawako was not willing to sully the only thing she still have left of her child.
“I will try but until then, don’t leave me alone with…” She trailed off, finally realizing she didn’t know the name of the child she was supposed to look after and at her pause, Sarutobi also picked up on it too.
“Naruto. His name is Uzumaki Naruto.”
“Naruto.” Maelstrom.
Like his namesake, his entry into the world already caused chaos, shifting things, for better or for worse and Sawako would be responsible for him. Even if her assigned duty warred against the well of grief in her chest, she was still a good shinobi and a good shinobi always strive to accomplish their mission no matter what it take. Even subduing the craving of vengeance that mixed with her lost.
It started as her duty to care for the child but now, years later, her care for the boy become genuine.
Of course she had her reservation. More than once she would be reminded this bright child contained the thing that had taken Aki from her. The days of Aki’s and Naruto’s birthday was the worst because she was acutely reminded of what she had lost.
Naruto celebrating his fifth birthday was like a knife to her heart because her own son had never lived long enough to celebrate his own fifth birthday or the one after that. Sometimes, on the bad day, she would manage to delude herself that it was Aki instead of Naruto and on those days, she would have Kakashi switch in for her, unable to look at the golden haired boy and not see the ghost of her son in the way he grinned and how his eyes crinkled.
The shame felt acrid in her mouth and Masaru was not helping her with the way his increasingly volatile protest against her caring for the container of the thing that took their son away from them. Her husband had been vehement in his argument to get her to stop but Sawako only hardened further in the face of lashing words.
It was the reason why she had spent the early years of Naruto’s life mostly away from her own home. She couldn’t bring him back to her own home, not with the way Masaru spitting venom at the slightest sight of him, so the Third had allowed for her to care for the child in the safety of the Hokage mansion that left abandoned now that the Fourth had died and the Third lived mostly in the office within the tower.
Her relationship with Masaru had become estranged over the years and it was only recently that Sawako had put more effort into trying to reconcile with him. The years apart had in fact made her heart fonder, even if Masaru still voiced his objection against her still caring for Naruto. She knew he was also trying, trying to save their marriage but Sawako doesn’t think she would be able to choose between him and Naruto anymore.
If they didn’t have that argument that had driven her off years ago, she might have given into his heartfelt pleas but now, while her heart was fond, it was also hardened by the many hardship she had faced as the caretaker of Kyuubi Jinchuriki.
She still loved Masaru, of course she did and will forever be because for her, he was the one but that doesn’t mean she could stand him demeaning the boy she had come to care. A part of her knew the reason behind his aggression but she refuse to let her understanding of his reasoning justify his unwarranted hate.
To Masaru, it may looked like she had moved on from Aki’s death with Naruto filling his place but it was not. It took herself a long while to accept that she was neither replacing Aki with Naruto nor trying to mould Naruto into the image of her son. Sure, she cared for Naruto how she would her own son but a part of her heart will forever be Aki’s.
If only Masaru could see this and began to see Naruto beyond the visage of the monster the villagers had painted upon an innocent child. If he did, Sawako would gladly have him back into her life fully.