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Derek flicked the lock shut on the bathroom door and then pressed a shaking hand to his mouth. He couldn’t believe that this happened, couldn’t believe that he had fucked up this badly, and especially with Peter.
He continued to shake, and he would like to do nothing more than flee and hide in his room forever, but there was still come drying on his stomach and Peter was still sitting on the bed, waiting for Derek to come back out, so fleeing and hiding wasn’t an option.
Nevertheless, Derek pushed himself away from the door, grabbing for a washcloth and desperately dragging it over his stomach, trying to get rid of all the come and evidence of his failure.
His hands were trembling when he was done, and Derek braced himself on the sink, taking a few deep breaths. He knew that he needed to go back out there, delaying the inevitable would only make the punishment worse, as he had learned a long time ago.
Kate had never been too shy to show him all the ways in which he had failed her, sexually or otherwise, after all.
Derek clenched his jaw, hand hesitating over the doorknob, and he focused his hearing for a second, hoping that Peter might have just left, but of course Derek wasn’t that lucky. Peter was still waiting for him on the other side of the door.
So Derek straightened up, squared his shoulders and lifted his jaw, because he could at least take his punishment with some dignity.
Still, he felt sick and small when he finally opened the door, cold shudders running up and down his spine. He distantly wondered what punishment Peter would choose; fire was the most effective on Derek, but Peter had his own trauma to handle, so he would probably come up with something else.
Derek just hoped he wouldn’t choose something permanent. He still had a scar from Kate at the dip of his back.
Derek stepped out of the bathroom, immediately putting his back to the wall and putting as much space as he could between him and Peter. Peter was sitting on the edge of the bed, had pulled his sweatpants back on during Derek’s little stay in the bathroom, and he was watching Derek carefully.
His face was blank, and Derek thought that at least he didn’t have to see the disappointment or anger on Peter. He had pulled away before Peter had dipped into those feelings; so all Derek had right now was the wide-eyed, surprised look on Peter’s face.
He didn’t know if that was better or worse.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Peter asked him, but his voice was carefully blank and level, and Derek knew what that meant.
This would not be a pleasant evening.
“Not particularly,” he couldn’t help but say, even though he flinched back as soon as the words left his mouth.
He really shouldn’t make it worse. And back-talk was never appreciated.
“Derek,” Peter said softly but Derek stayed tense and on edge.
Kate had loved to play games, too.
“If you could just get it over with,” Derek pressed out.
“Get what over with?” Peter wanted to know, and he seemed honestly confused. “What are you talking about?”
“The punishment,” Derek choked out and cursed himself for still shaking like this.
Kate had taught him better, after all.
“Derek, what do you think is going to happen?”
Peter seemed surprised, almost sad, but Derek knew how this went. Kate had always let him stew for a little while too; had played dumb and gotten him to admit just in what ways he had failed her. The punishment was usually a little bit more lenient when he had gotten it right on the first try, though it didn’t make it hurt any less.
And Derek knew exactly what he had done wrong this time.
“I came too early,” he said, head held high again, because he could at least own up to his mistakes.
Inwardly, he cursed himself. It was such a stupid mistake, too. Kate had always let him know when he displeased her in any way and coming too early was one of the few things she trained him out fairly quickly. Just like touching her when she climaxed and looking her into the eyes when they fucked.
That might actually be another point Peter was going to punish him for, but Derek hoped that he could get around that one. It wasn’t his fault after all that Peter had insisted on doing it face to face. If Peter had put him on his knees like the dog he was, then Derek might have held out longer.
Derek flinched at that thought, because he couldn’t blame Peter for this. It was his mistake, and his alone. He needed to learn that.
“And what do you think is going to happen now?” Peter carefully asked and Derek’s stomach dropped out.
The times Kate had made him choose his own punishment had always been the worst.
“Please don’t,” Derek whispered, “please don’t make me choose.”
“Sweetheart, I have no idea what’s going on. Choose what?”
“My punishment. Please, you can choose whatever, just—don’t make me choose.”
Derek could see Peter pale at those words and at first, he thought it was out of anger, but then Peter’s scent reached him, and he smelled horrified.
“Derek, I need you to tell me what you think is going on here,” Peter said, and his voice was just barely shaking, Derek could tell.
He didn’t know what to make of that.
“I came too early. I couldn’t satisfy you and you’re going to punish me for it.” Derek was proud that his voice didn’t shake.
Derek could see Peter’s eyes flash blue, right before he slammed them shut, and he could hear him grind his teeth together. Normally, Derek would be cowering in the corner right now, Kate being this angry never did bode well for him, but somehow Derek got the impression that Peter wasn’t mad at him.
“What is going on?” Derek whispered, confused beyond anything, because as much as Kate liked to play her games, she had never let him stew this long.
“I’m never going to punish you, darling,” Peter said after he took a few deep breaths and Derek stared in confusion at him.
“But I messed up.”
“You didn’t,” Peter said with emphasis. “You’re allowed to come whenever you want. You don’t have to ‘satisfy’ me before you do. You can come when you feel like it, and you can come multiple times too. I would never punish you for that.”
“I don’t understand,” Derek muttered, because Kate had never allowed him to come whenever he wanted. He wasn’t even allowed to masturbate.
“Pup, come here?” Peter asked and held his hand out.
There was nothing in his stance or scent to make Derek think that he would force his point, would punish him the moment Derek was in reach, but Derek still hesitated for a moment. Going by the barely concealed pain on Peter’s face it was a very long moment.
But eventually Derek stepped forward. He reached out for Peter’s hand, slightly ashamed of how his own was slightly trembling, but Peter’s hand was warm and solid under his.
“Sweetheart, seeing you come so early is the biggest compliment you could ever give me, and if you had given me three seconds, I would have followed you right over that edge,” Peter explained, though Derek could hardly believe that.
Peter could apparently read his mind.
“What do you need, my heart? What do you need to believe that? To put this behind you?”
Derek pressed his lips together, but Peter still seemed sincere, still smelled it too, and Derek started to think that maybe this could go a different way than it used to with Kate.
“Can I apologize?” Derek haltingly asked and Peter’s grip briefly tightened.
“I want you to know that there is nothing you ever have to apologize for, especially not in the bedroom, sweetheart. But yes, you can.”
“I’m sorry I came so early,” Derek immediately rushed out and Peter gently, so gently, pulled him closer.
Derek was still tense, waiting for Peter to somehow hurt him, but he went with his pull, even though it was barely enough to get him moving. When he took a step forward, Peter spread his legs, letting Derek step between them and he pressed a kiss to the back of his hand.
“What do you need now?” Peter asked him, holding his gaze and Derek could see nothing but love in his eyes.
No hint of the cruel, twisted glee he always saw on Kate.
“Can we—maybe—,” Derek trailed off, because Kate had always laughed in his face when he asked for cuddles, and he closed off when he remembered how Kate had scoffed at him.
“I don’t know,” Derek said instead, and Peter frowned at the blip in his heartbeat.
“Tell you what, darling. You’re going to put on some pants and get your blanket to bundle up on the couch. I’ll make you some hot chocolate.”
Derek’s eyes fell to his jeans, discarded on the floor, and he didn’t think he could squeeze back into them. But now that Peter had pointed it out, Derek was painfully aware of the fact that he was still naked, still so very vulnerable, and he could feel himself tense up again.
“I have another pair for you,” Peter said, and stood up, tightening his grip one last time before he let go of Derek’s hand and stepped away.
Peter handed him one of his own pairs, and Derek gratefully slipped into them. They were soft and worn and smelled like Peter. Derek let out a long breath at that.
“Now go,” Peter gently told him and carefully pushed him towards the living-room.
Derek could already see his blanket; it was older than Derek, probably; they had gotten it off a yard sale, and it was the softest thing Derek had ever touched. He made a bee-line for it when he saw Peter walk towards the kitchen, and a second later he was bundled up.
Derek concentrated on the soft fabric between his fingers, and how it smelled like him and Peter and home; he could hear Peter walk around in the kitchen, humming softly under his breath, and it put something in Derek at ease.
When Peter came back out, two steaming mugs in his hands, Derek had a hard time remembering why he ever thought Peter would hurt him. He smiled gratefully when Peter handed him his mug and then frowned when Peter indecisively hovered around.
“Do you want me to sit somewhere else?” Peter asked, no judgement in his voice but Derek pointed his head towards the other end of the couch.
He wasn’t sure if he could be any closer right now, he still felt to big in his skin somehow, but that distance was okay. It was safe.
They quietly drank their chocolate and Peter didn’t speak at all. He didn’t ask questions, and he didn’t pressure Derek into anything.
“I love you,” Derek blurted out, because as terrified as he had been half an hour ago, he was just as at ease now, with proof that Peter would always give him the space he needed.
“I love you too, pup,” Peter said softly.
Derek scooted over to him, still burritoed into his blanket, and he saw the familiar amused twist to Peter’s mouth, but he lifted his arm without hesitation, allowed Derek to snuggle into his side and he immediately pulled him closer.
“I love you so much,” Peter muttered and pressed a lingering kiss to Derek’s head.
Derek only pressed closer, almost wriggling his way onto Peter’s lap at that, and he sighed, feeling completely content at that moment.
He knew that Peter would want to talk about this eventually, wouldn’t take him back to bed before they set a few ground rules, but Derek found himself thinking that maybe that wasn’t too bad.
It couldn’t be, not with how secure, safe and most importantly loved he felt right now.