Chapter Text
Chapter 66:
As she entered the church she felt something that she couldn't quite put her finger on. An emotion that she couldn't identify. A feeling of foreboding that she couldn't shake. The church was deserted, a large cross stood proudly at the front as she weaved between the chairs to look for her love.
In trying to identify the strange feeling, her senses had been dulled. She was distracted by concern for her love. Who happened to be stepping out from the shadows behind her.
"Didn't work. Costume. It didn't help… couldn't hide" He held the balled up blue shirt he had been wearing.
"Spike, love, what is it? Are you in trouble? Hide from what-?" She cut herself off, the dim candlelight in the church revealed the scarring over his chest once more. He was in pain, anyone could have sensed that. But there was something else. Something deep, something that had shifted that she couldn't quite understand.
Saff reached for him, her fingers brushing against his chest. He appeared to calm, but only for a moment, he jerked away as if he had been attacked by invisible hornets. He stumbled backwards, as did Saff, though she managed to stumble into something and fall to the floor. Spike leaned against the nearest pew, staring into the distance, his eyes furrowed as if he were listening to someone recount every flaw and bad decision he had ever made.
Saff stayed on the floor, moving so that she was on her knees before him. She tried to take his hand and he looked stricken, as if she was trying to harm him. He was expecting this to be some trick. Some painful reckoning that his own mind had made for him. The guilt, the pain, he was drowning in it. But she was determined to keep him afloat.
"Tried to find it, of course." He said slowly, still not looking her in the eyes. Instead he was staring through her though she could tell that he wanted nothing more than to be in the moment with her. He was so distracted, the guilt and the pain had built up crashing over them both as even Saff struggled to maintain contact with his hand.
"Find what, Spike?"
"The spark. The missing… the piece" he was so full of sorrow, his eyes glassy and his hand trembling beneath hers, "That fit… that would make me fit. Because you didn't want-" he cut himself off, openly sobbing now. Saff couldn't take it, her own tears had long since been rolling down her own cheeks.
"What've you done?"
"Angel should have warned me, makes a good show of forgetting. But now it's in me, all the time. Wanted to give you what you deserve… They put the spark in me and now all it does is burn"
"Your soul… W-why?" She sobbed as realisation dawned on her. He paced, concealing himself in the shadows as she started to understood. He felt naked before her, vulnerable in a way that he never had. So many voices. So many painful memories and stories where he was the villain.
He couldn't take it. Until he remembered the answer to her question.
"For her, to be hers. To be a kind of man…. To be your man" he said it as if it were obvious, his eyes still filling with emotion, voice breaking with each syllable.
"I never… I never asked. I loved you for you… I love you for you. Flaws and all. What good has a soul ever done any human? Those of us with souls can still steal and murder and lie, they can create pain and chaos and still they haven't done half as much good for the world as you. Your intentions since we've known each other… don't they count for anything? How many times must you save the world to be given the same chance as one bad person with a soul? Ten? Twenty?!"
She exploded, directing the rest to somewhere above them, to whichever of the Powers wanted to listen to her today. Spike just shook his head.
"The guilt was hers, a broken mirror. A picture book, paint the guilt by numbers" He spoke, scoffing at himself. He was sure her influence was all that had made him feel any remorse back then.
"I don't want you to change, I never have. I've only ever wanted you." She wiped her tears furiously. She hated seeing him in such pain, she wanted to undo the past year if it made him feel better again. She would even face Oleander even though it near broke her.
He started to ramble, about the voices. The voices that wouldn't leave him no matter the day or night. Every kill, every face contorted into horror. Every instance of pain he had inflicted on another. They were always there, tormenting him. She was always there…
He walked to the large cross and embraced it, smoke began to pour from his body. The smell was putrid, burning flesh filled the church. He just wanted to rest. It was a distraction from the pain inside his head.
Saff gasped, finally able to move her feet. She runs to him, takes his arms from the cross and grasps him against her. She clung to him, telling him that she was there. That she wasn't going anywhere.
They both gripped each other, kneeling on the floor of the church. They held each other, both of their bodies wracking with sobs.
Their bodies and minds entwined together, now, along with their souls.
xoxoxo
She couldn't leave him by himself again. She just couldn't. She led him slowly down the steps to the basement room at Revello and to the bed.
Sighing deeply, she stared at her love. Never had she thought he would do such a thing. Never had she thought he felt that he wasn't enough for her without a soul. Never had she thought she had hurt him so much to question something so Earth-shifting.
Raising her sunglasses to rest on top of her head, she knelt before him. The flash of purple now boring deep into his soul. He became lost in them, never wishing to leave. He reached for her cautiously, as though he was convinced that she wasn't truly within his grasp. He rested his hand against her cheek, his thumb grazing her cheekbone softly.
She felt safety and a sudden surge of relief from him. And herself too. Sliding her hand along his arm slowly, she embraced him. She encouraged him with soft whispers and loving laments to lie beside her, where she could take care of him. Where she could hold him close to try and make up for all those months they spent apart and lacking.
After a while, the sound of footsteps echoed around the room. Buffy's. Saff could recognise the difference between her sisters' steps. Buffy was always so sure of herself, every step certain and strong. Dawn was usually rushing about, almost tripping herself down the stairs as she went.
She turned to Spike, signalling for him to be silent as she shouted, "I'm uh, I'm naked Buff! Don't look!"
A particularly lame excuse when you remember they had grown up together and shared gym changing rooms. Nevertheless, Buffy didn't like to intrude and her steps abruptly stopped.
"Oh, ok. Hurry up! We're going to get Willow" Buffy called over her shoulder as she turned and left without opening the door.
Saff glanced sideways at Spike, looking visibly pained at the idea of missing picking up her friend from the airport, but just as distraught at even the idea of leaving Spike's side for a second.
"Go, love" he murmured, knowing exactly the mix of emotions she was feeling.
"I don't want you being left on your own"
"Go" He insisted, frowning at her as if it wasn't a question.
Saff decided to drive. She had got plenty of practice in while she was away in England and truly she needed something to concentrate on that wasn't worrying about Spike. Or whether Willow was truly recovered.
Dawn had called shotgun and was still arguing with Buffy about it as the slayer folded her arms from the back seat. Xander was bouncing his knee, evidently nervous about seeing his best friend again and trying not to hit anyone in the head with the welcome home sign he had made with Dawn the night previous.
And poor Tara was squashed between the two, clasping her hands together as if in prayer. Saff realised she was grounding herself. This was a big deal, they had been reconciling just before they left they needed to have a proper conversation about their relationship.
Saff wasn't what you would call a good driver. She knew a lot of the rules of the road, but, like most things, chose to ignore or rewrite them.
"Fucking move, would you?!" She stormed at the little old lady making her way across the road in front of them. After a minute Buffy had to reach forward and grab her wrist before she hit the horn and gave the poor lady a heart attack.
"God, road rage much?" Dawn muttered under her breath, leading to Saffron turning to glare at Dawn and subsequently swerving quite violently in the direction her head had just turned.
There was a collective gasp from the backseat and what she was sure was a squeal coming from Xander's direction as she righted herself just before they hit an oncoming car.
"It's all under control, can we all just stop being so dramatic please?!" Saff rolled her eyes, weren't these people supposed to be seasoned demon fighters.
They drove in a frenzied silence for the rest of the journey, as Saff switched carelessly between lanes on the highway. Everyone had given up trying to tell her to slow down, with Saffron snapping at anyone's driving advice
She almost missed her turning for the airport and, mounting the kerb, quickly managed to turn the wheel in time to make it. Saff smiled, dusting her hands off and took the key out of the ignition. Turning to smile at the others she was confused as to why they were all pale as ghosts.
However, after waiting for a long time at the gates, Willow didn't show. Eventually, they had to leave the area and make their way home.
"Well, that was a monumental waste of my bloody time" Saff grumbled as Xander snatched the car keys away from her so that he could safely drive them all home.
Saffron stared out of the window, head on the glass as she let the conversation from in the car wash over her. there was some sort of skin eating demon somewhere in Sunnydale that she couldn't bring herself to care about. She was of course upset that Willow hadn't shown up, but even more so that her Spike was in pain and there was nothing she could do to change his current state. She had been feeling worse since she had found out that he had 'won back' his soul through various gruelling physical trials. She felt a sadness so painful she thought her head might explode. And it was all her own feelings for once.
xoxoxo
Saff was trying to get a strange metallic taste out of her mouth. One she hadn't been able to shake for a while. She had tried it all, mouthwash, gallons of water, pretending it wasn't there. Today, she had settled for chewing on gum. A serious amount of gum.
The phone rang, shaking her out of considering what could have possibly caused the taste. It was like constantly walking around with a mouthful of pennies.
"Slayer's residence, you make with the calling, she'll get with the mauling!" Saff rolled her eyes at the words that had tumbled out of her mouth.
"Uh, is Buffy around? It's her father… actually, who is this?"
"I'm uh…" Saffron changed her accent, "Well, obviously hon, I'm their cleaner" in a thick fake American accent.
"Oh… is Buffy there?"
Saff shrugged and handed Buffy the phone. After a long and, from Buffy's tone an irritating conversation, Buffy rushed back in to announce that they've got some good news (for once).
Their dear English cousin Saffron, who died much too young, has left them everything in the Will. Including the insurance money from the house in Cobberley burning down and the life insurance she conveniently took out just before her untimely death.
"How thoughtful of her, it should just about cover the last remaining debt shouldn't it?" Saff grinned as Buffy launched into the biggest hug. Saff gripped her sister tightly and squeezed her with all her strength, which was quite considerable at this point.
As Buffy broke the hug she grew suspicious at the room, however. Squinting around the living room like it had shifted since the hug.
"Someone's been here…" Buffy said slowly. Her Slayer senses tingling again.
Crap. Spike. Saffron quickly gathered everyone, everyone mostly stayed around the house at the moment when they weren't working or patrolling. Sitting them down, she tried to gather her thoughts. Tara, Dawn, Buffy and Xander waited expectedly.
"Look, guys, I kinda need you to listen. Spike's back and he's not himself. The Hellmouth's sort of swimming about his head and he's… well he's got a fucking soul okay. Don't ask and please don't give me your opinion. I really don't need it right now, I just, uh, wanted my friends to know…"
There was a stunned silence, where nobody had any words never mind an opinion on the matter.
Whilst Saff explained, Willow had already walked through the empty house at Revello. Now, walking slowly towards the basement she found Spike, who was mumbling incoherently. Just as he started to make sense of her, his Saff arrived and threaded her hand through his as she showed Buffy and the others how upset and confused Spike had become lately.
"The word- the word. The one which means glowing"
"Try effulgent" she offered, feeling the memory almost as he was feeling it in his mind.
"They're laughing" He screwed his eyes up, trying to hide his face.
"No one's laughing, babe, it's okay. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." She said sadly, stroking the side of his face softly. He moved his hands slowly, only looking at her. If he looked at her, felt her touch, he was safe. It was the only time he felt safe.
"Maybe we should talk to him when he's feeling a bit better, when the Hellmouth's out of his head properly you know?" Buffy offered, feeling his confusion and wincing.
"Who isn't here?" He asked suddenly, looking between two parts of the room.
"Hey, I'm here. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere" She whispered, stroking her thumb across his cheek.
"…the witch!" he finished, squinting towards the empty corner of the room. She looked up in confusion, eyes widened as she realised something was going on.
"Wait! Buff, just, hang on" She said, holding a hand out to the people she could see to make them stay a second, before whispering to Spike, "Show me, babe, show me what you see" clasped hands just in time to see flash of red hair going back up the stairs.
"It's Willow! She is here… she's just not here here" Saffron tried to explain. Xander and Buffy just stared.
xoxoxo
In a strange twist of events, and not just because Dawn was actually a help rather than a hindrance in the research department, they figured out what had happened. A new demon in town had taken up everyone's attention. Dawn and the others had heard of reports of a man being skinned alive at a constructions sight. Dawn quickly started looking up potential demons on the computer, and easily found the demon. Little did everyone know that Willow, with the help of Anya earlier, had come to the same conclusion and was looking into the demon too.
Willow had arrived in the airport but she had managed to become invisible to the others because of her fear that she may relapse or hurt those around her with her magic. This influenced the others too, but they just weren't fully aware why yet.
Saff listened distractedly to Dawn as she read out all there was on the skin-eating demon; Clasping Spike's hand as she did. Xander was flipping through a dusty book as he focused on Dawn's words. Tara was murmuring something slowly, some kind of revelation spell which was having no effect on the room while Buffy tried to hide her surprise at how comfortable Dawn seemed with the research. They eventually realised they would need to locate the demon by tracking the blood to wherever the demon was hiding out. And only one vampire was up to the job.
So, Buffy, Xander and Saff set out to follow Spike to the end of the blood trail. With Saff and Xander competing between each other to remark if there would be a pot of gold at the end of the blood stained rainbow. Eventually Spike abruptly and dismissed the group.
"That's it, end of the line. Everyone off. Keep your ticket - you'll need that." Spike beckoned and Saff took his hand gently, not correcting him as he did.
"That's a rock cliff" Buffy stated dubiously, trying to catch Saff's eye. But she only had eyes for Spike.
"Well, give him a break, Buffy. Maybe it's a vicious, skin-eating rock cliff" Xander's tone dripping with sarcasm.
"There's a cave in it. Look" Spike gestured, using both his and Saff's hand to point as he frowned at the others, "I'm insane. What's his excuse?"
"No you're not, babe, why don't we go home now, hm?" She said soothingly, squeezing his hand.
"Saff, we need your strength" Buffy stated, this battle was going to be tough.
"No. I can't… I can't leave him" She whispered to Buffy, "I'm sorry, I am, but I need to make sure he's okay"
Buffy glanced between them and just nodded, ignoring Xander's protests. Saff apologised again as she turned to walk away with Spike. He gripped her hand firmly, seemingly having a conversation with the trees as they walked away.
She felt guilty, of course she did, but she had faith in Buffy. She knew that she could do this, though it broke her to walk away she was scared if she let Spike walk away on his own she may never find him again.
They arrived home, much later Willow, Buffy and Xander would follow. Their fears and guilts would wash away with time. Tara and Willow would reunite and the demon of the day would truly be vanquished. Just as Saff knew it would.
"Hey, you did so good Spike" she spoke soothingly, though she was still exhausted from worry all she wanted was to make sure he was okay.
She left him briefly, pressing a kiss to his cheek on her return. Sadness washing through her as she tasted salt on his cheek.
"Come with me" She whispered softly, taking his hand and leading him from their basement up to the top floor of the house.
They entered the bathroom, the steam was rising and there were candles dotted around the room leaving a soft glow around the room. The moonlight streamed in, candles had been lit strategically. She added lavender-scented bubble bath. He seemed to like the smell, it reminded him of home. She tested the water, making sure he wouldn't be scolded when he entered.
"You getting in?" She asked softly as he stared at the water, "I can go if you'd rather…" She whispered as he continued to just stare. He shook his head, eyes to the floor. He started to take his clothes off slowly and she moved to softly pick them up so that she could take them away later.
"Now, don't get mad, but I do have a shirt of yours that you can change into. It may have a bullet hole in it though" She whispered, tipping his head back and soaking his hair with water, small circular motions with her fingers.
"Couldn't be mad… she keeps my soul in a locket around her neck. Her heart and mine"
"I love you, you did so well today. I'm so proud" She said softly, continuing to massage his scalp as he closed his eyes. She decided to leave the story about the bullet hole for a time where he was more lucid, "Now don't get used to this but I'm just going to put your clothes in the wash" She whispered, getting up from where she had knelt. He whimpered as she moved her hands away and his eyes shot open as if he needed to make sure she was still there.
"Don't go… stay… I need your touch… join me?"
"Are you sure?" She asked, knowing that he needed comfort right now. How could she deny him? She slipped her clothes off and entered the warm water.
She sat with Spike between her legs, allowing him to lean back against her chest. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and he sighed in contentment, his eyes closing. She pressed a single, soft kiss against his shoulder, whispering her love for him over and over as if it were a prayer.
It was really her. It was her with him. They were together, where they belonged.