Chapter Text
The first thing he can recall is smoke.
It's suffocating him, filling his lungs when he's trying to breathe and stinging in his eyes when he tries to open them. While he's slowly coming back to his senses, he hears a constant, high pitched noise accompanied by loud bangs. He realizes it's coming from the car; the engine is still running. He smells gasoline. Smoke and gasoline.
He knows that he needs to turn off the engine immediately, and tries to get hold of the emergency clutch that's installed right next to the gear stick. He's been in a situation like this before, he's done this before, just grab the clutch and pull. It's an instinct for him, something he's rehearsed countless times. Except that this isn't like before. He tries to move his hand but nothing happens; he starts panicking, can't move his body and it's getting hotter and hotter in the car by every passing second. He can barely turn his head to the right to see his co-driver, his body slouched lifeless against the passenger door.
More smoke keeps coming in and the smell of gasoline is getting stronger.
Suddenly he's being pulled out of the car and after that it's all just a big blur of noises, flashing lights, red and blue, someone talking about a body, the sound of a helicopter approaching, and eventually; fire. It explodes from the crushed bonnet of the car and within seconds it has spread all over the wreckage.
”Flake's still inside! Get him the fuck out of there before it explodes!” he tries to scream. There's people trying to open the passenger's door but it's stuck.
He's screaming but there's no voice coming out of his mouth, he can't move his body, he can only watch in horror as the flames swallow the entire car like a hungry beast swallowing its prey.
Richard wakes up in his bed, heart almost pounding out of his chest and sheets wet from sweating profusely. He lies there for a while, completely still on his back and stares at the ceiling. He had gotten used to those dreams, only a couple months ago they were still a regular thing for him. Little by little they had become more rare, thanks to the countless hours he'd spent on the therapist's couch. Now he only had them perhaps once a week, which was a huge progress. But still, every time that dream left him in a state he hated being in; shaking, with tears in his eyes and questioning everything he was about to do.
Richard let out a heavy sigh and turned to look at the clock on his nightstand. It was six thirty in the morning, so he decided to just get up and start his day. There was no point trying to sleep after the nightmare anyway. He put on some joggers and a hoodie and made his way towards the kitchen while sleepily rubbing his eyes.
Once he'd made himself a nice warm cup of coffee, he lazily walked to the balcony and took in the view of an early morning slowly creeping it's way into the streets of Berlin.
It had been over four months now since the accident. Four months and three weeks to be exact. Richard will never forget that day, 25th of august, last day of Rally Deutschland, his home rally and the one he had been waiting for the entire season. He'd been having a strong lead after the first two days of the competition. The third and final day was supposed to be just routine for him; drive like he always drives and bring home the victory. He'd had a sore throat the evening before but hadn't let it bother him because it usually just healed on it's own. That's why Richard hadn't even checked his temperature the following morning. If he had, he would've known that he had fever.
The morning stages had gone well for them – Richard and his long-time co-driver Christian Lorenz, nicknamed Flake. It wasn't until the first stage of the afternoon when it had all gone wrong. Richard had started to feel even more ill than he did in the morning. Flake had noticed it too, and kept asking if Richard was able to continue driving or if they should withdraw from the competition. Richard, being stubborn and not wanting to withdraw from his home event, had insisted that he was in good enough shape to continue. It's only two more stages to go and we can call this a victory, he had told Flake.
It was a fast section of the road just one kilometre before the finish line. It had rained the whole night so the road was slippery and the surface of the road was already worn from all the cars that had driven before them. Richard had felt how there wasn't much strength in his arms – the fever must've weakened him – and even turning the steering wheel had become a struggle for him. He'd felt like he needed all his concentration just to keep his pace and keep the car on the road. That's probably why he hadn't registered it when Flake had shouted, warning him about a sudden rock that had been revealed from under the dirt.
There had been no time to react – after they'd hit the rock with a speed of 120 kilometres per hour, the car had rolled over countless times until it had reached the forest and bumped into the trees. It had caught aflame almost immediately. Luckily there had been lots of crowd in that area, so people had helped Richard out quickly. Flake had been stuck in the burning car, but the rescue units had come in no time and gotten him out as well.
Richard took a sip from his coffee and noticed that it had gone cold. Once again he'd let himself think about that day all over again, when he shouldn't be doing that. Every once in a while the feelings just came rushing back, everything he associated with that day; humiliation, despair, fear, guilt. That was the hardest one to let go, guilt. The guilt of putting his own pride first. The guilt of having Flake end up on a wheelchair for god knows how long. The guilt of knowing that Flake can probably never sit in a rally car again. And finally, the guilt of making the decision to continue his career for one more season. It was actually Flake that pushed him to make that decision, and he really didn't deserve a friend like him.
It was the middle of January now, and Richard was freezing in his hoodie so he made his way back inside. He didn't want to risk getting sick, not now when the start of the season was only a week away. He grabbed his laptop, sat on the couch and started mindlessly scrolling through the internet. Usually he tried to avoid reading anything rally-related when it was this close to the season start, because handling critique wasn't among his best qualities. In the past, Richard would sometimes read what people were saying about him on social media, and it always had resulted in him feeling insecure about himself, and Flake having to repair the damage.
However, when he was scrolling through his Twitter he couldn't help but notice one article that he'd been tagged in. Well, it's Rallye Magazin after all and not some gossip site, so what's the harm, Richard thought to himself as he clicked the article open. At first it seemed like a normal article, speculating about the coming World Rally Championship season and comparing the teams and their driver choices. Nothing Richard hadn't seen countless times before, except that one particular part caught his eye. It was about him, his team and their newest driver.
As the season start in Rally Monte-Carlo is merely a week away, our most burning question is the one concerning TL Motorsport and the hierarchy among their drivers this season. As we all know, Richard Kruspe, the 40-year-old with one championship title to his name, is making an unexpected return after his accident last year. The tragic accident, in which an unlucky spectator was killed, took place last year in Rally Deutchland, and it looked almost certain that it would be the end for Kruspe's career in World Rally Championship. However, at the end of December Kruspe announced that he would make his return for one more season with a new co-driver called Christoph Schneider. Christian ”Flake” Lorenz, his co-driver since the early days of his career, will not be continuing due to a spinal injury he got in the accident.
Richard felt his heart sink, and some of the guilt he'd been so hard trying to bury, came rushing back. He could at least deal with getting Flake into the accident, because he was his best friend and they could talk about it. Flake had assured him hundreds of times that the accident wasn't Richard's fault, that it was just the worst possible luck for both of them. But the man who had been in the crowd, the unlucky man who's only mistake was that he'd strayed to that specific side of the road which was unsafe... Richard could never talk to him, never apologize to him, never hear him say there was nothing you could've done differently. So he'd decided to bury that guilt instead and not deal with it, ever.
Ever since the end of last season, there has been constant speculation around Paul Landers, the 34-year-old rising star whose fantastic season in WRC2 resulted in him becoming second in the championship battle. It became clear that Landers was ready to be promoted to the world championship series. Around the same time as Kruspe announced his return, it was also confirmed that Landers would be joining TL Motorsport as their second driver.
”I couldn't be happier about this”, says Landers, as we got the chance to talk to him during his pre-season tests. ”I'm grateful for TL Motorsport for giving me this chance, and I promise I'll do my best to bring as many points to the team as possible, as well as challenge all the drivers in the battle for championship”.
It sounds like it'll be a tough battle this year, and nobody should take their position for granted. Landers indeed had a fantastic season last year, so good that he's even been called the ”future of this sport”. It might be too early for that, but nevertheless, Paul Landers will bring a breath of fresh air to TL Motorsport. There's even some speculation surrounding the position of Kruspe as number one driver in the team. According to a source that claims to be close to Kruspe, ”he hasn't been himself after the accident. He is not mentally anywhere near the driver he was before”.
Richard wanted to throw his laptop off from his balcony. He almost felt sick to his stomach. Who was that source anyway, that claimed to be close to him? He didn't have many friends but the ones he had, would stand by him no matter what, and he didn't believe for a second that anyone of them would do that to him. It's just the writer's own speculation, a bunch of lies. He'd been stupid for even opening that article but still, he couldn't stop himself from being a masochist and scrolling through the comments section.
”If you ask me, Kruspe has seen his best days already. But hey, if he wants to do this one more time, good for him”. ”I'm putting all my money on that Landers boy! Kruspe's just some old has-been..”. ”If mr Lindemann has any sense in him, he'll make Landers their number one driver”. ”Landers is such a hottie! Finally there's a reason for me to watch rally..”.
Under the headline of the article there was a picture of Paul Landers, probably taken during his test drives the other week since he was wearing his driving gear. He was casually leaning against the car, short strands of dark hair peaking from under the team's snapback. The two of them hadn't met each other officially yet, but of course Richard had been aware of Paul and his accomplishments.
Richard stared at the picture for a while; it was as if Paul had been looking back at him with an arrogant smile and challenging look in his eyes. I'm not some fucking has-been, and I'm going to prove that to you, Richard said to himself. The season start was only a week away, and so was the big media event where they would finally officially meet. It was definitely going to be interesting.
*****
Richard stood in the middle of his hotel room and tried to calm down his breathing. He had landed in Monte-Carlo the previous evening and settled into the hotel where their team, and almost all the other teams, stayed. Last night he'd also had dinner and a couple beers with Schneider to ease some of the nervousness. Even though he didn't show it, Richard knew that Schneider was as nervous as him about the rally. They had done several test drives together and Schneider was a professional, but working together was new for them. The relationship between a driver and his co-driver was a challenging one; you need to work together seamlessly and when you're in a car with someone for over a hundred days a year, your personalities must go well together. Richard and Flake had always bickered like an old married couple, but at the same time they would've trusted their lives in each other's hands.
”Come on you old man, time to go!” Schneider's voice yelled from the hallway and snapped Richard awake from his thoughts. He snorted; he'd told Schneider about the article yesterday and eventually they'd just laughed about it.
Richard took one last look at himself in the mirror as he walked past it, made sure that his black hair was peaking just the right way from under the team's sponsored cap that he was obliged to wear, and met Schneider in the hallway.
”Are you excited to finally meet Landers? From what I've seen and heard, he seems like a decent guy”, Schneider spoke as they made their way to the hotel's big conference room. Richard looked at his friend and raised an eyebrow.
”Decent? He seems kind of annoying to me, like he's a bit full of himself”, Richard stated. ”But I'll give him a chance, all right”, he added when he saw Schneider give him a questioning look. The truth was, no matter how many times Schneider or Flake had told him the article was complete bullshit, he hadn't really gotten over it. It wasn't the article itself that he was mad at, but the fact that it wasn't all lies. The article had only proved to Richard that the things he'd been silently afraid of, that others were thinking about them too. So he'd decided that he wouldn't let Paul Landers get the upper hand, not while he was still capable of keeping his car on the road.
There was a smaller meeting room in which the drivers would be waiting for the press conference to begin. As they were getting closer to that room, Richard felt his heartbeat speed up a little. He'd done press conferences like this countless times before so there shouldn't have been anything to sweat about. Still, with every step that he took towards that room, Richard felt a growing urge to turn around and run. He absolutely hated himself for that.
”You're gonna do just fine”, it was almost as if Schneider had noticed his inner struggle. Richard nodded to his co-driver, took one deep breath and entered the meeting room.
Almost all the other drivers were there already, most of them sipping coffee and engaged in casual conversation. Richard couldn't help but feel uneasy when he heard the room go quiet when they walked in – but luckily it was only for a few seconds. Suddenly Richard was surrounded by all those familiar drivers who he'd learned to know so well. They were shaking hands with him, visibly excited about him being there and eager to get to know Schneider as well. For a while Richard forgot all about his nervousness – he was back where he belonged, and it was almost like he'd never been gone at all.
”Sorry”, Richard heard someone say and turned around. ”Hi. My name's Paul Landers. It's umm.. it's nice to meet you”.
Richard's mind went blank for a while. The man was a bit shorter than him, his dark hair slightly dishevelled since he'd just taken off his snapback. He looked a bit taken aback, eyeing Richard with an unsure look in his eyes. Richard suddenly noticed that the man had been holding out his hand for a while now.
”Nice to meet you too, Paul. I'm Richard”, he finally managed to get the words out of his mouth and shook the man's hand. It felt warm, almost sweaty even – or was it his own hand, Richard couldn't be sure. For a moment he was annoyingly aware of himself, and quickly let go of the other man's hand.
”So, I guess we're teammates now”, Paul stated with an excited smirk spreading across his face. Richard thought he looked so young, much younger than himself even though there was only six years between them.
”Yeah, I guess we are”, Richard responded after a while. The smile on Paul's face grew even wider than before, and small crinkles appeared on the corners of his eyes.
There was an awkward cough coming from someone standing behind Paul.
”Oh, I'm being so rude”, Paul said apologetically. ”Meet my co-driver, Oliver Riedel. You can call him Oli, though” he explained as his co-driver shook hands with both Richard and Schneider.
Finally the doors to the conference room were opened, and all the drivers walked in and took their places on the long table that was set in the front of the room. The room was filled with reporters and photographers, and Richard started to feel his mouth dry a little.
It was fifteen minutes into the conference when everyone turned their attention to Richard.
”So, Richard. How does it feel to be back?” one of the reporters asked. Thankfully they started with an easy question, I can handle this, Richard prepped himself mentally.
”It feels really good to be back, I'm excited to be competing again. Of course there are some changes for me this year, new co-driver and all, but we're both excited”. Basic answer for a basic question. After that there were few questions about his and Schneider's collaboration, but nothing about the accident yet. Richard was starting to feel hopeful.
”As we all know, you were involved in a tragic accident last season, in which a spectator lost his life.” Well, shit. ”There's been some speculation going on about your mental state. Do you have anything you wish to say about that?” Richard clenched his fists under the table, his fingernails digging into his palms.
”Of course an accident like that is challenging for anyone”, he started. ”But I'm a professional, I have a wonderful team supporting me and I'm more than ready to do my best this season”.
After that the attention moved away from Richard. He unclenched his fists and felt his body relax a little. Of course he had been prepared for that question, but that didn't make it any easier.
”Paul Landers, the newest addition to TL Motorsport”, Richard's head immediately snapped when he heard the name. ”How do you feel about your new team and most of all, we're eager to hear your thoughts on competing with Kruspe!” Oh crap, here we go.
”Well, obviously I'm thrilled to be a part of this team, it's a great opportunity. Richard is a great driver, I've been following his career for a long time. I'm looking forward to competing with him, and maybe even giving him some challenge”, Paul ended his answer with a huge grin. Richard rolled his eyes.
”You did really well last season. Do you have any secret weapons, any rituals you do before competition?” one of the reporters inquired.
”Well”, Paul started and went on with an amused tone in his voice, ”I have this really special pair of underwear-”, he was interrupted by Oli's laugh. ”I wear them every time i'm competing. They're my good luck underwear!” Paul explained, trying really hard to sound serious.
”Do you at least wash them at the end of each day of driving? Or does that ruin the magic?”
For some reason that Richard didn't even want to know, Paul turned to look at him and winked before he went on to answer: ”I guess we'll leave that to your imagination”. My god, who is this guy and why do i have to suffer on the same team with him.
The press conference was coming to it's end, but there was time for one last question. Of course it was directed at Richard, so he sighed in defeat.
”So Richard, one last thing. Why did you want to return for one more season and more importantly, why is winning the championship so important to you?”
Shit, here we go. Say something diplomatic, something that makes people root for you but nothing too personal, Richard's thoughts were bouncing around in his head.
”Well. As you probably know, it wasn't a given that I would be returning after the accident. I mean, it wasn't possible with Flake, since he's still recovering, and I didn't know if I wanted to compete without him”, Richard took a short pause, but avoided looking at the reporters in the eye.
”Motorsport has been the center of my life for a long time, and I felt like I still had that fire in me. Flake encouraged me to return, and he even introduced me to Schneider here, who has proven himself to be excellent to work with”, he gave a quick smile to his co-driver before continuing, ”Winning the championship title would be the perfect way to end a career, wouldn't it?” Richard concluded with a smile.
The reporters seemed satisfied with the answer, and people started to get up from their seats, marking the end of the conference.
Richard, however, forgot about his surroundings for a while, as his mind was filled with unspoken truths.
Because I don't want to be just remembered from the accident, would've been the most honest answer. I want my legacy to be more than just ”that driver who got a spectator killed and put his best friend in a wheelchair”. I want people to respect me instead of looking at me with a pitying look in their eyes.
I'm just hoping that this was the right choice.