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Lan Wangji knows his reputation, knows what the people, common folk as well as other cultivators, say about him.
They praise his willingness to be where the chaos is, they admire him for upholding the honour of his sect in such an impressive way. They praise his righteousness, his sense of honour and his fairness.
They call him Hanguang-Jun, Bearer of Light, but Lan Wangji knows what they would call him if they knew what is under his human skin.
He has heard it before; monster, abomination. It wouldn’t be anything new.
Lan Wangji’s own mother has called him that; Lan Xichen believes Lan Wangji was too small to remember, but that is not true. He remembers it. It’s what pushed him to learn control as early as he did; suppressing his form and forming his human skin to the liking of his mother.
The few people who have found out over the years have hurled insults at him, tinged with fear and terror. None of them have survived long enough to tell the tale and spill the secrets of the Gusu Lan Sect.
No one had asked questions when Lan Wangji had killed more Wen cultivators than should have been humanly possible.
It’s how he likes it.
And Lan Wangji was happy to keep it that way, too. But then Wei Wuxian came back and now there is nothing but uncertainty in his heart and mind.
Wei Wuxian is where Lan Wangji always dreamed him to be, right by Lan Wangji’s side, and Wei Wuxian has promised to stay, a teasing tilt to his lips as he tangled his fingers in Lan Wangji’s forehead ribbon that spilled over his back.
And Lan Wangji is unwilling to do anything that could make him leave.
He has already spend so much of his life without Wei Wuxian at his side, and he won’t risk it, not again. Lan Wangji knows that he is partly to blame for that; if he had managed more words, explained his intentions more clearly, then maybe Wei Wuxian would have listened to him, would have let him help.
Instead Lan Wangji remembers the feeling of absolute fear and bone chilling desperation when Wei Wuxian stepped closer to the edge and threw himself off it.
And Lan Wangji does not want to experience those feelings again, ever. So keeping quiet about his true nature, about the secret every Lan carries with them, it’s the only logical option.
And since Wei Wuxian is right by his side, and not questioning anything, Lan Wangji pushes those thoughts away. It’s easy to do when Wei Wuxian demands his attention anyway.
“Lan Zhan,” he hears Wei Wuxian call for him and Lan Wangji puts down the bunny in his arms, because he knows what will happen.
He hears Wei Wuxian approach, he’s not trying to be silent, and a second later he’s hanging off Lan Wangji’s shoulder, pouting over it when he finds Lan Wangji’s arms empty.
“Aww, you’re not holding one,” Wei Wuxian complains. “I wanted to pet one.”
“You jostle me,” Lan Wangji explains and gently shrugs Wei Wuxian off.
He doesn’t want to put the distance between them, but he does want to wipe the pout and small frown from Wei Wuxian’s face, so picking up one of the calmer bunnies is the only option he has here.
Wei Wuxian immediately reaches out to pet it when Lan Wangji offers it to him, but he doesn’t take it from his arms. They have learned that while the bunnies will allow Wei Wuxian to pet them when Lan Wangji is close, they will not stay still when Wei Wuxian is the one who holds them.
“They still only love you,” Wei Wuxian complains and Lan Wangji allows himself a small smile.
They do love him, and they have been a constant source of comfort in some of his darker days.
“I am still amazed that something so fluffy and small adores something like you,” Wei Wuxian offhandedly says, still concentrated on the bunny in Lan Wangji’s arms, so he doesn’t notice how Lan Wangji freezes up.
“What?” he forces himself to whisper and his heart beats painfully in his chest when Wei Wuxian gives him a look, a mix between a smile and a frown, showing his confusion at Lan Wangji’s reaction.
“What?” Wei Wuxian repeats, seemingly unaware of what he just said, and while Lan Wangji wishes he could be as oblivious, he can’t.
This isn’t just about him. It’s about his sect and the people he loves, too.
“What did you say?” he brings out and Wei Wuxian tilts his head in thought before he brightens up.
“Oh, I mean. I know it’s supposed to be a secret, and it’s not like I really know what you are, but, yeah. I know you’re not human. I thought I mentioned it before.”
“Wei Ying did not,” Lan Wangji mutters and carefully puts the bunny down again, stepping away from them, and from Wei Wuxian.
He’s shaking from head to toe, and it’s hard for him to keep his form in check. He always loses control when he gets emotional. It’s still a wonder he didn’t change when Wei Wuxian died, though Lan Wangji guesses it was pure shock that kept him human.
He doesn’t feel the same kind of shock now, so he stands up straight and tries to calm his mind.
“Lan Zhan, what’s wrong? You’re bunnies are all agitated,” Wei Wuxian says as he eyes the bunnies, who do seem more nervous than they normally do.
They flock to Lan Wangji, press against his legs, and Lan Wangji tries to concentrate on that.
His mind is still screaming at him, mostly questions—how did Wei Wuxian find out, what will he do with this knowledge, did he tell someone, when will he leave—and the horrible thought that he didn’t even get to enjoy Wei Wuxian’s company for a whole month.
Maybe his family really is doomed for tragic love stories.
“How long?” Lan Wangji asks, though he’s aware that is not the most important question.
He can’t bring himself to ask the most important ones. Do you hate me? Are you afraid of me? Disgusted? He’s not sure he can stand the answer.
“I—,” Wei Wuxian starts and instinctively reaches for Chenqing for comfort. “Since the Burial Mounds,” he finally admits with a self-deprecating smile. “Your energy, it’s closer to what I use in demonic cultivation than to those of humans. At first I thought it was just you, that I had somehow tainted you, but then I met Lan Xichen and other cultivators from your sect and I realized it isn’t just you.”
That’s a horribly long time.
“Who—,” Lan Wangji starts and then has to clear his throat, the fear and worry making him too emotional, “who did you tell?”
“Tell?” Wei Wuxian asks and he seems honestly affronted. “No one of course, Lan Zhan, I wouldn’t. And besides, who would even believe me?”
“Oh,” Lan Wangji gives back at that. “You know you don’t have to stay, right?” he then haltingly adds, because what if Wei Wuxian is just staying here out of fear?
Thinks he’s not allowed to leave, even though that’s all he wants to do.
“Ah, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says with a small chuckle and that sound does more to relax Lan Wangji than all his mental exercises in the last few minutes have managed. “I’m staying because I want to stay.”
Lan Wangji can hardly believe it—why would he want to stay if he knows Lan Wangji isn’t human—but every time Wei Wuxian reaches out for him, touches him without hesitation, is downright clinging to him, tells Lan Wangji that Wei Wuxian is here on his own free will.
“I never want to leave you, Lan Zhan, you have to know that.”
Lan Wangji shakes his head, because he didn’t know that, especially not with the recent revelation and Wei Wuxian bounds over, careful to not step on the bunnies that are still huddled close to Lan Wangji, but seem to be calming down.
“No matter what you are, you’re still my Lan Zhan. You’re still so good, how could you be anything else?”
Lan Wangji’s heart lights up at hearing that, the casual possessiveness in Wei Wuxian’s words, but he still stumbles over the start of that sentence.
“No matter what I am? Does Wei Ying not know?”
“No,” Wei Wuxian says with a shrug. “I just know that your energy is different. For all I know you could be a fluffy little cloud. It would explain why the bunnies love you so.”
Lan Wangji blinks at him, because that couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Not a cloud,” he denies.
“But cute and fluffy?” Wei Wuxian teases and Lan Wangji relaxes further.
“Not cute and fluffy, either,” he gives back and Wei Wuxian heaves out a deep sigh.
“Oh no, Lan Zhan, then my imagination is all used up,” he pouts and throws his arms around Lan Wangji’s neck, presses himself close. “Maybe you have to show me?”
“Shameless,” Lan Wangji says and tries desperately to not throw his arms around Wei Wuxian in return, because he isn’t sure he could ever let him go again.
“My form—its not nice to look at,” he finally admits and Wei Wuxian shakes his head.
“Impossible. Lan Zhan is always nice to look at,” Wei Wuxian gives back, with a confidence Lan Wangji can only hope to possess and then he forgets to breathe when Wei Wuxian noses at his cheek. “Won’t you show me, my Lan Zhan?”
Lan Wangji’s thoughts are flying through his head; there are still a lot of variables to consider, and Wei Wuxian could still walk away from him when he sees what Lan Wangji really looks like, but then Wei Wuxian gives him his best puppy eyes and Lan Wangji is helpless against that.
“Step back,” he instructs Wei Wuxian who does so with apparent glee as he bounces on the balls of his feet.
Lan Wangji takes one last look at Wei Wuxian’s beautiful, radiant face, because maybe it’s the last time he gets to see it like that, and then he allows his true form to take over. The bunnies barely blink an eye at his transformation, they are used to it by now, but Wei Wuxian’s eyes get bigger and bigger in his head.
Lan Wangji doesn’t open all his eyes, keeps most of them hidden, and he keeps his tentacles close to his body as well, trying to appear as unthreatening as he can in this form. He doesn’t think about the imperfections that mar him.
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian breathes out and Lan Wangji prepares for the worst.
“You’re so gorgeous,” Wei Wuxian says, voice awed and at his words Lan Wangji’s entire form kind of melts.
“Look at all those tentacles,” Wei Wuxian calls out in clear delight and he fearlessly steps closer and immediately reaches out for one.
Lan Wangji can’t help but to meet him halfway, slides his tentacle up his arm and around his back to bring him close, and Lan Wangji didn’t know touching a human could feel like this.
It’s electrifying and relaxing all at once, but mostly it feels a lot like coming home. Lan Wangji cannot explain it at all.
A few of his eyes must have opened in shock as well, because Wei Wuxian gasps.
“So pretty,” he croons and pets Lan Wangji right under one of his eyes. “Still your beautiful eye colour.”
Right now, Lan Wangji is glad to be in this form, because at least here his ears can’t turn a bright red.
“Ah, you’ve been holding out on me,” Wei Wuxian complains as he steps right up to the mass centre of Lan Wangji. “How could you deny me of this?”
Lan Wangji is ashamed to find that the only answer he has to that is fear, and he hopes that he never has to tell Wei Wuxian that. He didn’t trust him, again.
“Ah, I see,” Wei Wuxian says and reassuringly pets the closest one of Lan Wangji’s tentacles. “You don’t have to be afraid,” Wei Wuxian tells him and Lan Wangji can’t help the inquiring noise he makes.
No one should understand him in this form.
“You’re not as hard to read as you think,” Wei Wuxian whispers conspiringly to him and then just lets himself fall into the middle of Lan Wangji, who immediately wraps him up in protective tentacles.
“This must be what heaven feels like,” Wei Wuxian mutters and then snuggles deeper into the embrace. “I love you, Lan Zhan.”
The shock of hearing those words, from Wei Wuxian, uttered to Lan Wangji in his true form, is enough to shock him back into human form.
“Noooo,” Wei Wuxian whines and slings his arms around Lan Wangji’s middle. “I wasn’t done cuddling.”
“Did you mean it?” Lan Wangji demands to know, and he’s sure that if he doesn’t get an answer immediately, he’s going to combust on the spot.
“Did I mean what?” Wei Wuxian asks, playfully blinking up at Lan Wangji.
“Wei Ying,” he scolds him and he can feel Wei Wuxian shudder against him.
“Of course I meant it, Lan Zhan. How could I not? I love you. Don’t you love me, too?”
Lan Wangji blinks a few times at that, his heart beating so fast in his chest and the relief making him light-headed, and he bends his neck down and hides his face in Wei Wuxian’s hair until he finds his voice again.
“I love you, too, Wei Ying,” he whispers and is rewarded with his favourite sound on the entire planet when Wei Wuxian laughs, happy and loud.
“Would have been embarrassing if you didn’t,” he whispers and then leans up on his tip-toes, his intent clear.
Lan Wangji has wanted to do this for so long, that the sheer prospect of finally getting to do it freezes him on the spot, but then Wei Wuxian’s lips are on his and there is no more hesitation.
Separating again is hard when Wei Wuxian darts in for little kisses and pecks again and again, and Lan Wangji is loathe to let go of him, so he simply doesn’t.
“You’re not afraid,” Lan Wangji can’t help but whisper eventually, because that knowledge is still blowing his mind a little bit, and Wei Wuxian laughs again.
“Not at all. You’re all mine and so pretty. How could I be afraid of you.”
The words are a balm for Lan Wangji’s soul and he buries his face in Wei Wuxian’s neck, breathing in deep and just revelling in the fact that he gets to have this at all.
He never dared to hope for this, but then again, Wei Wuxian always exceeds expectations. And Lan Wangji couldn’t be happier about it.