Work Text:
TOP 10 MOST OUTRAGEOUS ACTIONS OF DAISUKE KANBE (SO FAR)
(OR 10 times Daisuke Kanbe bothered)
- ‘Purchases’ OPEC; Resells the organization the next day
“Shit,” Haru curses at the driver’s seat as he looked at his wallet. His passenger, Kanbe, looks at him beadily. “Forgot my card. Change isn’t enough.”
Kanbe lazily raises a hand to which Haru quickly objects.
“Don’t-“
“I only raised a hand.”
“I don’t want you doing that godawful money business shtick! Stay in the car. Hoshino will be lending me extra change.”
“Ok,” Kanbe took out his phone and began scrolling on it with keen disinterest as Haru opened the door to wait for his hapless junior.
Five minutes later, an incensed Haru banged a fist at Kanbe’s window. He made sure to infuriate him further by taking his sweet time lowering the glass.
“What?”
“Fuck you. He told me you paid for it,” his index finger shook as he pointed at the gas station attendant.
“You were unbearably slow.”
“So? I told you to wait!”
“I used your money.”
“What? I thought-“
Daisuke eyes never left his phone. He texted a quick ‘Your service was adequate’ before browsing at his stocks. “You need to get your eyes checked. I’ll be sending my optometrist to your house later. Your change was enough.”
“But I- I swear, I-“
“Hurry up. The perp will be entering the second street from here in five minutes.” He offered to drive to nail the coffin shut.
- Becomes the purported boss of the MI6 last April 2020; Resigns after ten hours
Hoshino was all starry-eyed when Kanbe invited them to the SIS building in London along with two more lucky bastards. The chief accepted their three-day leave on the condition of overtime the entire week after. After being picked up on the famous London cab and riding past the tower bridge, and a five-star lunch at the Shard, everyone was giddy and high as the sunny sky.
Except, of course, Katou.
“Don’t wanna come,” he said when they were at the gates.
“And why is that, senpai?” Hoshino rolled his eyes.
“Dunno, not interested,” Katou said. “If they’ll let us in their underground cells, I might give a shit. I’m tired from the flight. We should get some shut-eye.”
Fifteen minutes later, they were required to wear extra MI6 suits as they went inside the ground floor to ground zero. No questions asked.
- Single-handedly controlled the Pandemic of the Century by giving ‘exemplar gratuity’ to 10 (key) world leaders; One reportedly from Japan
Kanbe was too preoccupied eating his Alaskan oysters to rebut Haru’s latest rant about politics and how it was making the world a shitty place.
He had no choice because the pandemic was in full swing and his currently occupied suite is not spared.
“So what do you propose to do?” he said after Haru’s half-hour monologue.
“Dunno, maybe deglobalize the economy. Be less greedy, support local production. End the political dynasty culture here? It’s the same old families running the country. They’re so out of touch goddamn it-“
“And then what?”
“Keep the cash inflow coming? Support the third world economies that are most hit, ease their deficit… Shit this is turning out so goddamn complicated, with the time needed to develop a vaccine at most-“
“What about… we hold an online conference with some people I know from a few countries? Is your laptop on?”
“What? You care?”
“Yes, I care about my peace and quiet,” said Kanbe impatiently, rolling his sleeves as he let. “Now turn on Zoom. My power nap’s in twenty minutes.”
- Boosts Sakura TV’s ratings by hijacking the evening news broadcast to issue a ‘private apology’ to
HARU KATOUcolleague
“Your birthday’s tomorrow, innit?”
Haru perked up. “Ha?” Odd. Fucker must’ve checked his birth records.
“Filed for a day’s leave?”
“Course not. This ain’t the UK,” said Haru irritably. “I’m keeping my attendance scot-free.”
“You were absent on a Tuesday, August 12, 2018.”
“Can’t you turn off that damn thingamajig of yours? That was my niece’s family day, bastard. No one was available so I had to go at the last minute.”
“Why?” Kanbe asked.
“Because she’s family?” How was he so fucking callous? Sheesh, rich people.
“You always liked playing knight, don’t you?”
“The fuck do you care?” Haru rolled his eyes. “You’re always questioning my damn choices. Wonder if you’re even made of flesh.”
“I find it eye-opening, how people like you still exist, especially in this line of work.”
“You really piss me off. With your dad’s dough, you could bribe your rank up to First Division by now.”
“You reek of insecurity, Haru Katou.”
“You’re terrible at making people like you, you know that?” Haru said, standing up. “Without money, you’re nothing.”
“I’m a scholar, GQ’s sexiest man alive, AI programmer, polyglot, philantrophist…” Daisuke Kanbe smiled coyly. “You’re not the first person to tell me that. I can be anyone you’ll never be, Haru Katou.”
“You’ll never be more than a goddamn colleague in my eyes,” Haru said before shutting the door for Daisuke to sort their case files alone.
- Buys a country to become king; Abdicates, turning the country into a republic
“How’s Morocco, senpai?” Hoshino’s voice crackled from the poor signal.
“He’s having a good time,” said Daisuke as he sipped his martini.
“You’re not me, asshole,” Haru snarled before seizing his phone. “It’s like I’m in another world, I guess. Like I’m in a movie set, or something. Y’know, like those heist films.”
“That’s so cool!” Kamei joins from the other side of the world until the line went dead.
Haru immediately glowered at Daisuke’s direction, who was still idly lying down on the beach chair beside him.
“He’s just wasting your time off,” he shrugged.
“Fuck you,” Haru folded his arms and began rocking back and forth his chair. “If you didn’t pull that stunt, the boss wouldn’t have let me go.”
“He said you can report on Monday though.”
“He said I can report when the paps were gone! What the fuck, man?”
“You said you wanted to come here.”
“I do, but-“
“Instead of complaining, you should count yourself lucky. This is what I don’t understand about your lot.”
“Do you feel lucky then, buying this country?”
Daisuke removed his sunglasses and looked at him for the first time. Haru was busy looking at his phone, at the Morocco World News article posted five minutes ago.
“I’ll be in my room for the rest of our stay.” Haru did not bother waving.
- Finds out a colleague likes Batman; Builds Gotham
“There is a suit waiting for you inside,” said Daisuke coolly through their earpieces when Haru and his friends braved the bats which attacked them when they entered the cave under the massive manor they suddenly woke up to. “And a decent ride.”
Sure enough, Kanmei and Hoshino were agog when they saw the matte finish of an armored Batmobile twice the size of a Jeep, and were nearly groaning in envy when they saw a Batsuit encased in glass beside an LCD screen half the size of the Diet building.
“Yeah about that,” Haru sneered. “I’m more of an Avengers fan.”
- Accidentally discovers Atlantis; Sells knowledge to country of origin to enjoy quiet evenings in his yacht at sea
Daisuke’s phone rang as he left the water after his second dive that day. Ragged breathing on the other end.
“Where the fuck are you?”
“Nowhere,” Daisuke said truthfully, taking out his tank, then fins. “Finished with the case?”
A pause. “No.”
“So you can admit defeat,” he said smugly.
“You’ve been gone for three days, you drama queen,” Haru said. “Done now?”
“Who is this? The line is getting choppy-“
“Asshole, come back. Been sleeping in the office since you left.” He could imagine Haru clicking his tongue, rubbing his hair to make it messier and ignoring the Gatsby Daisuke leaves in his locker. “Would want to go out with Kanmei for karaoke one of these days.”
“Where is my apology?”
“You’re like a fucking baby, you know that?” He could hear a quick chuckle on the other end. “Let’s go karaoke after.”
Daisuke did not need to be told twice. “I’ll be there in thirty minutes.” He then plugged in HEUSC to do the rest.
- Tries purchasing Mars; Rents the moon instead
“No shit,” Haru said after biting of a big piece from his yakitori. “You really did that?”
“For a girl once,” said Daisuke, still wearing his crisp business suit in the middle of the summer eve and the glaring store lights. They were scouting the premises in search of the supposed thief who stole the cash box of the apple caramel stand. “I sent a letter to NASA. I rented the moon instead on her birthday. There was a lunar eclipse.”
“What? Thought you went there or something. Shit… how extravagant can you be?”
Daisuke said nothing, lazily letting his butler do the work as he looked at Haru, who, instead of finishing his skewer, seemed to be lost in thought. He stopped walking, and stared at Haru.
“You said you’re used to that.”
“It still blows my mind. You should be buying world peace or ending world hunger… you know, the greater good…”
“Do you want that?”
“Who doesn’t, come on, don’t tell me you’re that detached. Jeez…” Haru rubbed his head irritably again. “Dammit, you really make me want to kick your nuts. You don’t get what’s easy for you to do is so dang hard for the likes of me.”
“So why don’t you?”
“You really don’t want to get what I mean, do you?” he laughed darkly. “If you’re so filthy rich, why don’t you change the world?”
Daisuke let HEUSC hum. The thief was four yards away and will pass the shrine in ten minutes.
“What do you think I’m doing then? I’ve joined your lot.”
“That’s because it’s so easy for you to quit if you wanted to. I don’t even know if you’re taking this seriously. It’s an insult to me and the rest of us, you know that?”
“How childish, for you to think it’s easy,” Kanbe said, rising to full height and facing this little know-it-all. “I’m doing a great service to you, wasting my time listening to your kumbayahs and half-baked ideas about neoliberalism and democracy and whatever political theory you want to force. Did you not think I know that? Did you not think I tried? Did you not think I knew about the politics behind our country, any country with the people I’ve met since I was born? Politicians are the most difficult creatures I’ve ever studied. If apes ran this planet, maybe I’d achieve all that in one week. If they do run, maybe I wouldn’t be here. Maybe I’d marry a chimp.”
Silence.
“No shit, you probably won’t go that far.”
“You never know.”
Several days later after apprehending the thief, Haru would say even if the chimp was pretty, but was not rich or useful, Kanbe would turn a blind eye, before mumbling a quick apology for his tactless words.
Kanbe agreed, then had his butler record it and use as his lullaby.
- Sets a world record for the most people spinning counter-clockwise; Turns back time by five seconds
“You really have nothing better to do,” Haru sighed as he stood beside Kanbe, herding a massive crowd with officers from multiple precincts.
“And gave our division some work,” he nodded in self-approval, because Haru would glance once more at his direction with that familiar glare of his.
“What’s all this for, anyway?” he asked. “What shit are you thinking of again?”
“You know about angular momentum in physics?” Kanbe did not beat around the bush as he glanced at his watch. “If plenty of people spin opposite the direction of the earth’s rotation, we might be able to turn back time and catch the perp before it preys on another victim.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Haru said. “That’s preposterous!”
“The First Division will handle the rest. They said the same thing, but they’re willing to try. They know the risks,” Kanbe said as he gestured ready. “And for this,” he said before turning his head and planting a kiss on Haru’s lips.
Kanbe then signalled go.
- Lines up at Starbucks Shibuya
It was a terribly normal day, differing greatly from the miracle capture that happened a week ago and took the whole country by storm. The world took notice from the social media outpour that day, and demanded to know the mastermind behind that risky venture.
As for Daisuke Kanbe, he was back in Shibuya once more, the tenth person in line for a cup of coffee. This was discomfiting because people generally annoyed him, but whatever.
After half an hour, his partner came to pick him up, complaining about the sudden onslaught of paperwork their head wanted them to accomplish.
Kanbe gave him the cup.
“Where’s yours?” Haru asked.
“I only drink cold drip coffee,” Kanbe said.
“Of course you do,” Haru scoffed. “Thanks though. Needed some caffeine for the OT.”
Kanbe smiled when Haru turned his head away.