Everything I Ever Thought I Knew

"We promised not to shut each other out anymore!" Her voice was filled with a heat that would have melted the ice in the room. If there was any, that is. Elsa was sure, however, that it would only be a matter of time before they were standing in a winter wonderland.

"You promised, Elsa!" The girl - no, the woman in front of her - threw her heat at Elsa again, but the blonde remained silent. Elsa looked down at her feet, avoiding her sister's gaze, not knowing what to do now. Anna's eyes glowed with something warmer and more dangerous than fire, already surpassing the exploding fieriness of lava from a volcano. Anna exploded in front of her, turning the air around her into a whirlwind. No one could see it, but Elsa felt it. She felt the shifting air pushing furiously against her. The tension danced between them like leaves in the wind on an autumn day.

"You looked me in the eye and promised to tell me everything!" Elsa remembered that. She would never forget the shining oceans in her sister's blue eyes when she had lied to her. She hadn't known then that she had lied, but now she knew. She had lied. And that lie, which had lodged itself deep in her mind and never let her go, was the reason she couldn't look her sister in the eye now. The lie stood between them, and it would stay there even longer.

Elsa missed her sister's eyes already.

"Why didn't you tell me?" There was her heat again, but no soothing ocean blue to calm her. The stormy wind in the room pressed harder against Elsa as Anna said, "Tell me what's wrong!" But not a single hair stirred on her head. The storm raged on, but nothing moved between them. "I just want to help you, please." The words that came out of Anna's mouth broke. Her voice broke and her body shook. The anger turned into sadness. Elsa made her sister cry and the first snowflake fell, completely displacing the autumn wind. "Please, let me in."

"How?" Elsa spoke for the first time in eons. It was her first audible response since Anna had stormed into her study. Anna's eyebrows drew up and formed an arched bridge on her forehead, and Elsa continued, "How are you going to help? What can you do?"

"I, um. I can…" Elsa didn't let Anna finish.

"I didn't tell you about them because I knew there was nothing you could do to solve the problem. It's my problem. It's mine alone." Elsa's voice, which had been trembling and wavering at first, was no longer her voice. Now the queen spoke. Firmly. Calm. Strong. And so, so very cold.

"You don't have to deal with this alone. I'm here for you!" A little breeze came from Anna, but it didn't stand a chance against the howling blizzard that came from Elsa. "Just let me in, please!"

"What would you have done if I had told you about those men, huh?" Elsa fired back, remembering the men's visibly angry faces when the guards had thrown them into the dungeon after their attempt on the queen's life had failed. "'Throw them back into the dungeon? Beat them to death with your own hands? Or sign their execution?"

"I don't care about them, Elsa, I care about you!" said Anna, the tears no longer running down her cheeks, but her oceans were still as watery as before. "I would have calmed you down. Hug you, speak kind words to you. Help you heal your wounds. Anything to make you feel better after some crazy people tried to kill you!"

"I was not harmed, Anna."

"I'm not talking about the external wounds, Elsa." No, of course not. Their knives had not touched her skin, but they had stabbed her many times in the heart. And now Elsa was stabbing Anna with words she had never spoken aloud because she had thought words were as painful as knives. Now she was painfully aware that silence was sharper. They were both bleeding now and neither of them had a healing potion. Neither for themselves nor for the other. Blizzard and Autumn Breeze, both now howled softly in pain in her chest.

The raging emotions in Elsa clouded her mind and made her lose control for a second. But not over her powers.

"I'm fine, Anna. I don't need you." Words as cold as ice shot out of her mouth and Elsa felt the crushing impact as they hit her sister's ears. She knew those words were lies. She knew she shouldn't have said them. She knew... she knew so much, and yet she was so stupid. So, so stupid. And when Elsa saw her sister's oceans burst open again, flooding all over her freckled face, Elsa knew she deserved all the heat in her sister's voice. Anna had the right to burn Elsa with her voice and let the wind drive her sister out of her life.

"But I'm not okay..." whimpered Anna, and for a moment Elsa feared that her next words would be "And I don't need you either." But they didn't come. Instead, Anna turned away from the invisible door between them, which Elsa had closed in front of her again, and stormed out the real door behind her.

Elsa saw only her sister's back, and that made her realize a single thought: there would be no last chance to promise her that she would never screw up again. While watching her sister's back, Elsa felt a devastating pain take possession of her. Elsa continued to watch, taking in all the pain, feeling the lack of Anna's presence echoing in her mind.

The door closed and Anna was gone.

Elsa's walls collapsed like a house of cards hit by a breeze. Elsa wished that there was another breeze that would drive her to another place. She wished that some clouds would rain over her head so that no one would see her tears. But her world was empty the moment the door had closed in front of her. Now she knew what it felt like, and that made her legs give out. As she hit the ground like a crashing comet, her world didn't stop spinning, it just kept spinning as it was shredded under its own weight.

Elsa had thought she already knew what loneliness felt like, but now she really knew, and her world spun on and on, but she was left behind. She couldn't move, couldn't follow the world. She tried to breathe and realized she was paralyzed. Not her body, but her mind. Her world kept spinning, but her mind was still with Anna.

Hours passed, even days. The castle became a graveyard of emotions for Elsa. From Gerda she learned that Anna cried every night when Elsa was in her own room. From Kai she heard that Anna cried at every meal she did not attend. And from Kristoff she had heard that Anna cried whenever Elsa was not there.

Elsa had not seen Anna since she left the door behind.

After a week, Elsa knew she couldn't go on like this. Not only did she miss her sweet little sister, but she also felt the heavy layer of emotion that the sisters left all over the castle and that everyone who was infected by it and spread it even further found themselves in. Her sister suffered, her staff suffered, Kristoff suffered, her kingdom suffered. It was her fault, and she had to fix it.

If she only knew how.

She had paced back and forth in her room for hours, thinking and searching. It was only months after her coronation, after the Great Thaw, and her thoughts belonged only to Anna, the person she thought she knew, but that was a lie. Lies. Lies. Lies. Elsa remembered her little sister, five-year-old Anna. How she played in the yard every day, how she woke her up every night, how she constantly ate all of her candy. Anna, who had cried until her eyes were all red, was now no longer five years old. She had spent 13 years alone without Elsa. This Anna was a different Anna. The Anna she knew no longer existed, she had been lost somewhere in the 13 years of loneliness (caused by Elsa).

Her little sister, the person she loved the most, became a complete stranger behind the closed door. So strange that Elsa even began to doubt her sister's love for her. How was she supposed to make up for everything when she didn't even know the person she needed to apologize to? If she really wanted to apologize, she had to get to know Anna first.

She knew that her own world was irretrievably lost, but all she could muster was a desperate attempt to save Anna's world, and that was the last thing that made her heart beat. One last desperate attempt. After that, she could crumble into white dust, she didn't care, as long as Anna was whole again.

When Elsa left her room, she already had a plan in her head. When she spotted two employees cleaning the hallway, she knew this was her chance. Outside her room, they had spent all those years with her sister in the castle. They should know her.

"Kai, Gerda!" It wasn't until their names left her lips that she realized she had used her queen voice, so it was no wonder they both turned around, startled. In a calmer voice that reminded her of her mother, she spoke again, "Kai, Gerda, I have a question to ask you both."

"Of course, Your Majesty, at your service," Kai said, bowing with Gerda in synch and waiting for Elsa to go on. Their eyes grew wide when Elsa said, "How would you describe Anna?"

"I am afraid I don't understand, Your Majesty."

"Just tell me what you think of my sister. I want to hear your honest opinion, don't be afraid, I won't hold it against you." Kai and Gerda looked at each other, and Elsa had the feeling that they were having a conversation in silence. After so many years of working together and living together, people were beginning to share such things. Would Anna and she have something similar if the gates never closed?

Gerda was the first to seek Elsa's eyes again and coughed slightly before saying, "Princess Anna is one of the kindest people I know. Watching her grow up, I'm sure any mother would be proud to have a daughter like her. That goes for both of you, Your Majesty."

"Thank you, Gerda."

Elsa smiled, hoping for more while Kai began to say, "Her Highness is not like other princesses, though. She is more like you, my queen."

"S-she is?" Elsa had no idea if he meant it good or bad. Bad for her or for Anna?

"She is," Kai smiled. "The princess thinks her sister has all the good qualities, and she thinks less of herself. But she is capable of so much, she just doesn't know it." Kai was still smiling at her, but Elsa didn't understand why he said Anna was like her. Everything he said about Anna, she would affirm. Anna was capable of so much more. She just had to believe in herself more. Anna was the good sister. Not like Elsa.

"Thank you," Elsa said anyway. Both bowed once more and continued with their work. Elsa, on the other hand, went out to the stables. She knew very well who would be there at this hour. When she entered the stables, she already heard funny noises coming from a certain mountain man, his reindeer, and a snowman. Just the three people she was looking for. They had helped her sister get to the North Mountain and even return to Arendelle in one piece. Well, except for the ice in her heart (which Elsa herself had caused). If anyone knew the new Anna, it was these three.

Kristoff made a haystack for Sven, who drank from a horse trough while Olaf told them about his latest adventure. Elsa drew attention to herself with a little cough.

"Elsa!" said Kristoff, immediately stopping what he was doing and smiling. "I didn't see you." Even if it was her fault that Anna was at the lowest point in her life, he never showed dislike for her or scolded her about it. Maybe it was because she was the queen and his future sister-in-law.

"Can I ask you something?" said Elsa, smiling back.

"Oh, do you want me to repeat how I found out about the cook's affair?" Olaf said happily.

"Huh?"

"No, Olaf, she is not here to hear this," Kristoff said and Elsa saw his panic and fear at the thought to have to endure the whole tale again. She chuckled but remembered her plan.

"Thank you, Olaf, but maybe another time. I need your help with Anna," she admitted, looking down at her hands which were folded in front of her belly.

"About time," Kristoff said, nodding along with Sven. "Anna's just waiting for it..." This time Sven banged his antlers against Kristoff's arm and grunted. "I mean," Kristoff said again, "she's really sad. I'm sure smoothing the waters between you two will help."

"Yes, I need to tell her how sorry I am and how wrong I was."

"So, how can I help you?" asked Kristoff. "Do you want to throw a party for her?"

"No ..." The mere idea of a crowd of strangers laughing and eating around her while she searched for Anna was pure horror. "Can you tell me what you think of her?"

"Um, what?"

"What do you think of her."

"I love her of course," said Kristoff dumbstruck.

"No, no, that's not what I mean," Elsa said immediately, waving her hands in front of her. "I mean, um, imagine I don't know Anna, how would you describe her to a stranger?" He didn't have to imagine. It was the truth. But that didn't change the fact that his eyebrows went up and his eyes got bigger and bigger. Before he could say anything, however, Olaf chuckled and jumped in front of Elsa.

"That's easy!" he exclaimed. "Anna is the bravest heroine I've ever met!" He started jumping up and down and raving about how great Anna was. And Elsa could only agree with him. Anna was great. She was amazing. She was perfect. The good sister.

"Calm down, Olaf," Kristoff said, smiling with an embarrassed undertone. "Anna is great, yes, but also naive and childish and sometimes immature and loud, very loud. She's the person you don't want around when you have to sneak around a sleeping bear to steal its honey." He laughed, and Elsa looked at him. She just looked until he continued speaking. "But all those little flaws make her more perfect. Everybody has them. Flaws, I mean. I wouldn't have her any other way." He looked to Sven, who nodded in agreement, and Elsa still looked at him in silence as Olaf continued to list how great her sister was.

After returning to her room to reflect on the results of her day's conversations, she could only come to one conclusion. A painful, true conclusion. Anna was the greatest person and the best sister she would ever meet in her life, and she deserved more than a heartless older sister who pushed her away and hid behind a door. Elsa didn't deserve Anna at all, and if she really wanted to offer Anna a better world, she had to make sure there was no room for a heartless snow queen.

‘Funny,’ Elsa thought, ‘if I don't have a heart, what is broken then?’ Maybe it was her entire being that got lost along the way. Or she was already born like this? Or alternatively and more likely, parts of her were still waiting behind the door and got ripped out when she left her room, tearing her apart beyond repair. And finally, one thought made its way into her head. ‘Anna isn't the one who changed after those 13 years, it is me.’

She sat down on her bed and looked at the ice that covered her walls, ceiling, interior, belongings, and heart. The little girl who had entered this room so many years ago was still in here, and someone else had come out months ago. Elsa had no idea who it was, but she knew one thing for sure: she had to leave this room again to talk to her sister. Ignoring the cold mess in her room, she stood up and slammed the door hard behind her as she walked out into the hallway. Her sister's room was right next door. The same hallway. The same castle. The same kingdom. But as Elsa walked down the hall to the other door, it felt like wandering into another land. Now, standing in front of the door, Elsa could feel young Anna's longing and desire as she waited for her older sister to open the door and beg the heartless Snow Queen to come out.

A naked hand hovered over the white wood. Her bare skin was so pale that it looked almost as white as the color of Anna's door. A single knock. It echoed through the hallway, turning the deserted place into an eerie tunnel from which there was no turning back. And Elsa knew it was the truth. There would be no turning back after that knock. She knocked again. Silence.

"Anna? It's me, Elsa. I know you're there. You probably don't want to see me right now, and I understand that. Just listen, okay?" Elsa waited a moment to give Anna time to prepare herself. Not that Elsa didn't need a little time to prepare herself for what was coming. With a long exhale and heavy chest, Elsa said, "Anna, I know I owe you an apology for earlier, but, um... I'm not here to apologize. I'm sorry, but you deserve more than an apology. You're always asking me to tell you what's bothering me. You want me to share my thoughts with you. I'm here to... do just that right now. I don't want to hide any part of me from you anymore. I'm here to tell you what I'm thinking."

‘What am I thinking right now? My head has never felt so empty.’ Elsa stood in front of the door and didn't know what to say. She looked down the hallway. The fading light of the dying day crept through and disappeared behind the windows, leaving the hallway alone with the moving light of the candles on the wall. She was here alone. Alone. Once again. There was a door between her sister and her. ‘If I want to tell her everything, then I should start all over again. All or nothing. Nothing goes here.’

"Anna, I, um… When I was… Um, back then…" ‘Come on, Elsa. You can do this!’ "Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I... I'm not like other people. Different. An outcast who thought she was alone. Hiding in my room from our parents, the staff, and even you. I used to think I had no place to call home. Where could a freak like me even have a life and be happy? Little me knew she was a monster that no one would ever love. Who could ever love a monster? And hidden behind a door, how would I have known how wrong I was? I was wrong, oh so, so very wrong. Someone out there has loved me all these years. When I finally came out of my room, I saw that one person who still loved me, and I thought I had found a dream to share. After so many lonely years, I hoped I had finally found someone to share my dreams with. I was so lucky that it almost wasn't fair to my younger self, who was all alone."

Elsa paused. She needed a break. All the memories that were born in loneliness were haunting her again. All the hidden emotions from all those years came back and boiled up in her body, making her dizzy now. But she had to go on. ‘Don't stop, Elsa. Anna needs to know. She needs to know.’ And so, Elsa went on.

"But I was wrong, Anna. It wasn't unfair because I was wrong. I thought I knew now what I wanted and where I belonged. I thought I had found my home.... with you. Anna, I thought I belonged by your side. That I was the queen, with friends and my kingdom, but I was wrong. Everything I ever thought I knew was a lie. I've been telling myself lies all along. Everything I relied on turned out to be untrue. I am not a queen. At least not a good one. I have no friends. I scare everyone away. Everyone is only here with me because I can't leave. I should have guessed, I should have known, but I know now, Anna. I know it. Everything I've longed for, everything I've planned, and all my fondest memories and dreams have been sandcastles. I built my castles towards the sky, but now I see clearly and everything is starting to crumble. My lies to me, to you, to everyone. I can finally see behind the lies and enter a world of truth. I am here and I understand, Anna. The little girl who dreamed and wished all those years ago to find a home and a place to live and love is no longer here. She is still waiting in her room for something that will never come to pass. I left her behind, Anna. The sister you knew and the Elsa you got back are not the same. I'm just an echo of a fading memory of that girl. A fake."

Elsa paused again, biting her lips and trying to ignore her watering eyes and the tears running down her face that made her mouth all wet. Her voice was shaking, dying along the way from her throat to her mouth. A faint, whispered "Anna" escaped her lips. "I need … I am … I don't know who I am anymore." ‘If none of it was really me then who am I supposed to be?’ "Anna, I am lost and scared. I … I don't know what to do, Anna." Her voice didn't sound like her own anymore. It was a stranger's voice that filled the hallway in its search for a way through the door.

It scared Elsa even more.

"Anna, I think... I think I... lost myself while I was hiding. Every hope, every feeling, every love and trust and happiness I had, they're gone, they're gone. I let them go. And what's left? Me ... alone. Again. Anna, I'm alone, I've been alone all this time, and I'll be alone forever. I should have known it from the moment I stepped out of my room. But now I know. I know it now, and that makes it easier to do the next right thing, Anna. I... I still love you. I love you so much and you deserve the world, Anna, because you are ... you are everything. You are the hero of this little girl I left in my room. You are the good sister, a great person who is kind and brave and full of love. I love you so much and even your little mistakes make me love you even more. You are everything that little girl in that room wanted to be. But she never had the chance and I will never be like her. I'm broken. Maybe I'm a freak, a monster, even the heartless snow queen who pushes away everything and everyone she's ever loved and doesn't deserve you at all. I have no idea who I am now, but I know that the person who came out of that room... I don't want her to be a part of your life. You deserve better, Anna. Someone as broken and wrong as me will destroy your world too, Anna."

As Elsa spoke, she slid down the door she had knocked on and landed as a pitiful bundle on the floor, among her own tears that dripped from her face and made everything wet as on a rainy day. Snowflakes followed the tearful raindrops to the ground, but Elsa saw none of them. She did not feel the cold air around her. She felt nothing but the painful throbbing in her heavy chest. A heartbeat, a stab.

"I don't belong in your perfect life, Anna," Elsa continued. She had no idea if her trembling voice could still be heard beneath her tears and dying whispers. "I guess my life meant nothing, it was all a sham. I'm not a queen, not a sister, nothing. Not this girl and not Elsa. I guess I'm someone else now." ‘I wonder who I am…’ Her voice was so shaky and her mind so clouded by the raging storm inside her that she wasn't sure if the last thought even came out of her mouth or was lost along the way like everything else that used to be Elsa.

She opened her mouth again to say the final sorry, but nothing came out. Her voice had died completely, keeping her from saying the most important words. ‘I am so sorry, Anna.’ She wasn't done yet, but her body couldn't take any more. She couldn't take it anymore. She broke down completely and wept bitterly, drowning in her own pain. She barely noticed the moving sounds behind the door in front of her. She didn't hear the clanging of the doorknob or see the door swing open to reveal her crying sister. The only thing she was aware of were two warm, comforting arms wrapped around her trembling body, bringing back a feeling in Elsa's heart that hadn't been there for a whole week and that she had missed for all those 13 years. Elsa couldn't name it in her state, but it made her cling closer into the embrace, nestling her head in her sister's crook of the neck and letting her weep even harder.

But this time it was different. The embracing arms eased the heavy pain in her eyes and chest, turning each tear into a pleasant relief. A door opened. Not the one in front of her. She had never dared to dig so deep under her skin, but now she felt the open door in her chest. It was such a beautiful release.

"Elsa," said a voice that barely cut through Elsa's cries. But she heard it. She would always hear that voice. "You're a stinker." Elsa's world stopped spinning, frozen in time like all the snowflakes in the hallway. No movement, no sounds, no hiding in the hallway. "How could you possibly think that my world could be perfect without you? The only thing I ever wanted, the only thing I need in my world to make it perfect, is my sister. That's you, Elsa, because believe it or not, but I love you too. You are my world, Elsa. I don't care if you're not the same little girl I saw disappear behind a door all those years ago, because the sister I got back is just as good. You're not a phony, a freak, a monster, or anything else you call yourself. I wouldn't want you any different than you are now. You're a great queen. The best big sister. I love the girl who stepped out of that room. And if you don't know who that is, I'll help you find her. To see her the way I do. If that's the only thing I can do, then I will. I found her once, and I'll keep finding her until she can find herself, and we can both be happy together."

Anna's voice was soothing, calming, warm. The snowstorm in Elsa disappeared in a void, but this time no autumn wind drove it away. It was a warm summer breeze that now filled both their hearts.

"Thank you."

"For that?"

"For letting me in."