Chapter Text
Merlin didn’t like it. He didn’t like it one, little bit, but he didn’t have a choice. It was him, or Arthur, and when that situation came, it wasn’t really a choice. Arthur was fighting his restraints, tell Merlin not to do anything stupid, while Morgana was attempting to break free from the iron-cuffs that stopped her Magic. The Knights looked terrified, nobody wanted to be stuck in a spell, least of all one like this.
The deepest, strongest memories, broadcasted to all in this damp cave. If Arthur was put under the spell, his entire life would be up for show, a vulnerability that Merlin couldn’t allow. His King didn’t deserve such a thing, he’d worked so hard to get Arthur to the throne and courting Gwen, he wasn’t going to lose it because he’d been stupid enough to get some iron cuffs around his wrists.
So, Merlin volunteered. It earnt him a glare from Arthur, Gwaine’s shout, offering his own mind as a substitute, but the sorcerer looked intrigued.
‘Emrys himself, I accept your mind as an offering in replacement of the Pendragon.’ It was a good thing that Arthur was aware of his Magic, even if it wasn’t everything. He’d tried to limit what he knew, didn’t want him to realise the full extent to which Merlin was bound to him. Now, however, that seemed to be a shrinking possibility, the sorcerer approaching and Gwaine threatening a colourful selection of torture methods.
‘It will be painful.’ The sorcerer warned, holding the vial of disgusting coloured liquid, and Merlin prayed that this didn’t go badly.
‘Merlin, don’t be an idiot, I can drink it.’ Arthur stated, and the servant looked to the King.
‘It’s okay, how bad can it be?’ He joked, even if his voice trembled slightly and his eyes darted back to the green liquid. Morgana shifted, caught his gaze and a silent promise connected them, that if something went wrong, she’d keep Arthur safe.
‘That’s an order, Merlin. Don’t drink it.’ Arthur was pleading, begging, and that was the issue. He was all too ready to die, making it all the more harder for Merlin to keep him alive.
‘I never was one for listening to you, Sire.’ And with that, Merlin tipped his throat back and the sorcerer guided the liquid to his lips. It tasted awful, worse than the colour, and he gagged once it had gone down. The sorcerer was chanting, and his vision began to blur.
**
‘Listen to me, Merlin, you cannot do that! I can’t keep you safe!’ Merlin trembled under his Mum’s firm gaze, let tears spill as he looked to the fire.
‘I wanted to make it warm!’ He mumbled, tongue heavy in his mouth, tears spilling down his cheeks as she stood straight, a look of regret crossing her face before it became stern once more.
‘Then you must go cold. I won’t have you using Magic, Merlin. Not ever.’ The boy nodded, bit his lip as she moved away from him, and he looked to the bright fire. It was so pretty, why could he not do such a thing? It was so cold outside.
His Mother looked sad as she put the fire out, shuddered almost instantly and wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. Merlin did the same, moved to the corner and caught the sad expression.
‘I wish things could be different, my boy.’ He wanted to reach out, to hug the smile from her face, but Merlin was too busy being upset over his telling-off.
**
‘WILL! Wait up!’ He darted through the trees, hearing Will’s laughter echo out. When he finally caught up, they both dropped to the grass and looked up to the sky.
‘You think we’ll ever grow apart?’ Will asked, looking across to him. Merlin whacked his arm, his friend grumbling about how hard he hit, and Merlin looked back to the clouds.
‘Course not. We’re best friends.’ Like it was the simplest thing in the world, and Will hummed in agreement.
‘We should have houses next to each other.’ That caused giggles from Merlin, while Will quickly joined in.
‘I don’t think my ma would approve.’ Merlin joked, and Will was the one to stand, offering out his hand.
‘An adventure?’ He asked, and Merlin gripped his hand tightly.
**
‘You’ll come back, right?’ Will asked, as Merlin packed his bag. The sorcerer looked to his friend, tried not to make this an emotional end.
‘Of course. Gotta have our houses, remember?’ His friend snorted, even if he looked sad.
‘I wouldn’t tell anyone, Merlin.’ He froze, left his bag and turned back to Will, moved across to sit by his side.
‘I know, Will. But Mum won’t let me stay anymore, says it isn’t safe.’ Will huffed, clasped his hands together and then stretched them, refusing to meet his gaze.
‘Would you ever have told me?’ It broke his heart, and Merlin looked away, unsure of the answer. That was enough for Will, he stood up and walked out, and Merlin was left alone.
**
‘He’s a prat!’ Merlin stated, and Gaius raised one eyebrow judgementally, like he normally did.
‘He’s the Prince. And your destiny.’ Merlin slumped, glared at his mentor, but had to accept the words as truth. It made sense, really, that he was lumbered with the biggest idiot in all of Camelot.
Gaius shooed him on, and Merlin made his way through the Castle to Arthur’s Chambers, slipped in and noted the Prince wasn’t present. Good, he could have the bath ready. He had brought a bucket up, hummed to himself as he poured it in and let his Magic do the rest, warming the water and watching it steam.
Just as that happened, the door swung open and Arthur walked in, barely even acknowledging him.
‘Bath’s ready, Sire.’ Arthur looked across, scowling, and then looked to the boots he had just kicked off.
‘Have these cleaned for the morning.’
‘Yes Sire.’
‘And my armour polished.’
‘Of course, Sire.’
‘And wipe that stupid grin of your face.’ Merlin sighed, which earned him a pillow thrown in his direction, and he ducked just in time. He looked to Arthur, who was evidently in a bad mood, and risked a question.
‘Are you alright?’ He turned so quickly that Merlin knew he’d overstepped, quickly moved to grab the boots, then Arthur dismissed him.
**
Merlin muttered the spell, watched the blade enchant and Lancelot kill the beast with ease, the Griffin dying and Lancelot staring at him.
He knew.
He’d seen his Magic, and Merlin began to panic.
Only later did he think about the words the Knight had said,
‘It should be you he Knighted, Merlin. You’re the bravest of us all.’
**
Will’s body was burning, and it was all Merlin’s fault.
‘You knew, that he was a sorcerer.’ Arthur stated, and Merlin’s gut tightened. This was all his fault, he’d lost his best friend because he’d been too scared to admit the truth. Will was right, he was no longer the person from his childhood.
Arthur walked away, and Merlin scrubbed at his face sharply, wouldn’t let the tears fall.
**
Merlin stood on the Isle of the Blessed, watching Nimueh’s smirk as he stood there, willing to die. The cup was there, the thing that would save Arthur, and Merlin made his promise.
‘My life, for Arthur’s.’ Nimue offered out the goblet, and with one last hesitation, he took the cup.
**
‘I’m happy to be your servant, Arthur, till the day I die.’ The Prince just waved him on, and Merlin forced himself to smile all the way back to his room, even if his heart felt like it was cracking.
**
Gaius. That was all he could see, Gaius slumped on the floor, and Nimue’s growing anger that Merlin dare challenge her. He was dead, he could see that, and Merlin shouted at Nimue, protesting, it should have been his life, not his Mother’s. Not Gaius.
He stands still, even as she offers out her hand, a chance to join her. It isn’t what he wanted, he’d lost everything.
Fire, burning and hot, scarring his skin forever.
‘You should not have killed my friend!’ Merlin didn’t know he could summon lightning, but it struck her down and he ran to Gaius, the rain pelting down as he held onto him, cried and clutched at him.
And when he woke, asking Merlin to stop the rain, the servant had never smiled so much.
**
Aredian, the Witchfinder that would kill Morgana, that would kill him, if he ever found out. Kilgharrah, stubborn as usual, told him the same thing that he didn’t want to hear.
‘I won’t hurt Morgana.’
‘Kill the Witch, or she’ll kill you.’ He ignored him, went back to his issue of Aredian. After all, he had to protect Morgana, and Gaius, in any way that he could.
**
How many times had he saved Arthur? The servant scrubbed at a stain on his boots, looked around the room and sighed.
‘You’re hard to keep alive, Arthur.’ The Prince wasn’t in, otherwise he’d never say such a thing. Bandits, bounty hunters, Knights, sorcerers. The list went on.
**
‘How many innocent people are you willing to kill, to save your Prince?’ The sorcerer hissed, on one of the many times he had gone to stop a threat that might hurt Arthur. Merlin rose his own hand, blocked the spell she had been ready to throw at him.
‘As many as it takes to see him King.’ He stated, even if the words tasted foul and he hated himself for how true it was.
**
‘I’m Merlin, by the way.’
‘I’m Freya.’ She was beautiful, that was all he could think, and Merlin’s smile was a genuine one this time.
**
Her laugh was beautiful, it wasn’t quite the strawberries she’d asked for, but the rose seemed just as fitting. The way she accepted it, asked why he was so good to her, it broke his heart. He would set her free, run away with her, to a place where they were safe.
They managed to escape Halig, and Merlin reassured her that he would look after her no matter what happened, that he’d keep her safe. Her eyes were wide, and she still looked so afraid, so he attempted to tell her that there was nothing to be scared of.
The kiss was brief, but everything he’d hoped for, and Merlin couldn’t help the smile that took over his face.
**
‘Then we’ll go somewhere no one knows us. Somewhere far away.’ He would give her anything, even give up the Destiny that he was supposed to have, just for her.
‘I want that more than anything.’
**
Her eyes met his, so afraid, and he broke the gargoyle to reach her. She ran, fleeing from the Knights, from Arthur whose blade was still dripping blood. He ran after her, determined to find her and keep her safe, just like he had promised. It was the first time he’d ever risked Arthur, even if he’d known deep down that his Magic would never allow the stone to hit anywhere near him.
‘There must be something I can do, some way to save you.’ He clutched at her, held her as she slowly bled out, blinking up at him through wide eyes.
‘You’ve already saved me. You made me feel loved.’ He watched her slip away, stumbled back and let out a sob, a choked off sound as he mourned the woman he had lost.
Only once the boat was burning did he turn back towards Camelot.
**
‘Destiny comes first, young Warlock.’ Merlin screamed, screamed and sobbed and cried until he couldn’t anymore, and then he stood up and let it all slip away. When he went to serve Arthur his dinner, the Prince commented on how he looked like he’d been sniffing too many flowers.
‘Is there a girl, Merlin?’ He teased, and Merlin offered the brightest smile, even as his heart splintered.
‘No girl, Sire.’
**
He had a father. Balinor, the Last Dragonlord, and the man seemed shocked to meet him. But happy, and Merlin had finally found someone that might understand how lonely this life was, how much it hurt to be him.
Then Balinor was moving, taking the hit that should have been for Merlin, and was dropping to the ground.
‘I know you’ll make me proud.’ Merlin could do nothing but clutch at him, like he had done for Will and Freya, trying not to let his Magic slip away from him again.
‘No man is worth your tears.’ Arthur stated, uncaring and oblivious as ever, and Merlin had to force himself up once again, back to the man that he needed to make King.
**
Oh gods, it hurt so much, it felt like death itself. He screamed, screamed until his voice was hoarse, the Serket sting agonising. He should never have made the mistake of stalking Morgause, of listening to her command her general. The pain raced like fire, and he dropped to the ground, calling out for Kilgharrah to come and save him before it was too late.
**
‘You don’t have to leave. If you told them you were nobility…’ Gwaine rolled his eyes, placed a hand on Merlin’s shoulder and squeezed. Comfort, Gwaine had only known him for a short while, but Merlin had figured he’d be one to stay. Sadly, not many people seemed to stay as long as the Prince of Camelot.
‘I’ll see you again, mate.’ Merlin was left standing there, turned his palm up and summoned a single, blue butterfly. He supposed that, in a weird way, he was mourning the loss of another friend that he couldn’t have.
**
How many times would he be beaten and bruised? Gaius stitched up the wound on his arm, before offering him a mirror. His shoulder was an odd colour, another scar to add to the plethora that he’d gained in his duty to the Prince, now King.
‘Where did you tell him I was?’ His stomach was a nasty colour as well, and he was sure it would hurt for a while.
‘In the Tavern.’ Gaius admitted, while Merlin tugged his shirt back over his head.
‘Of course you did.’ He grumbled, walked out of the room and in the direction of Arthur’s Chambers, only to be hit by a goblet as soon as he opened the door.
It struck his bad shoulder, and the pain flared up, but Arthur was already turning and telling Merlin that if he was late again, he was going to be replaced by George.
Merlin just nodded, picked the goblet up and regained his breathing.
**
‘Gwaine.’ Merlin stated, trying to judge his reaction. The Knight was staring at him, just the two of them, in the middle of the forest.
‘I thought you were sneaking out to meet a girl, not make butterflies from nothing.’ Gwaine remarked, staring at the cloud of them surrounding Merlin. The Warlock tensed up, fully ready to bolt, or to beg, he wasn’t sure which.
‘I… No. No, I was doing Magic.’ He was going to lose his friend, one of his only friends, he didn’t think he could do this again. Gwaine blinked, then smiled.
‘So, there’s no girl?’ He winked, and Merlin just shot him a confused look.
‘You’re not… mad?’
‘I guess you’d have told me eventually, plus it’s pretty cool. Can I see some more?’ If Gwaine was surprised when Merlin basically threw himself at the hug, he didn’t say anything.
**
‘So you have Magic.’ Arthur drawled, staring to the steaming bathwater, then back to Merlin, who was looking to the door. It had been an accident, as every other time had been, and now he was probably going to have his head chopped off.
‘I… er, I, yeah.’
‘Well-spoken as ever, Merlin.’ The King looked angry, betrayed, but was trying to hide it.
‘Do… do you want me to go?’
‘I need time. To deal with,’ he waved his hand vaguely, ‘all this.’ Merlin nodded, went to the door and was just about to leave.
‘I can’t believe you’d betray me like this, Merlin.’ The King whispered, and the servant almost fell.
**
‘Aithusa, no!’ He didn’t listen, burnt the plant to a shrivel anyway. Morgana snorted with laughter, Gwaine looking equally amused, the two of them propped up against trees in the clearing, while Merlin tried to train the baby Dragon.
‘This is hopeless.’ Morgana rose up, walked across to him, and patted his shoulder. She noticed his wince, and Merlin quickly drew back, ready to hide. Unfortunately, Gwaine was quicker, was by his side and tugging his shirt in an instant.
‘Hey! Leave it, I’m…’ He was cut off when the shirt was lifted enough to reveal an awful cut across Merlin’s stomach, that he’d received from a sorcerer last week. He stepped back, shoved his shirt down and looked to the two of them, who were both just staring right back at him.
‘You didn’t see anything.’ He snapped, storming off into the woods with Aithusa quickly following.
**
‘I’ve not done this before.’
‘Take your time.’ Gwaine coaxed, and Merlin sighed. He really did need help, and Gaius would kill him if he went to him, so it left logically one conclusion. One person he could trust.
‘If I told you I needed to kill someone, would you ask questions?’ Gwaine’s expression morphed into confusion, then understanding.
‘Someone threatening the Princess?’ Merlin nodded slowly, waiting for Gwaine’s answer.
‘What do you need me to do?’ Oh, he could have cried, thanking the Goddess for letting him have somebody like Gwaine, someone who trusted him.
‘Create a distraction.’ The Knight puffed his chest out, put on his best smirk, and even went as far as to lightly touch Merlin’s chin. The touch was welcome, Merlin had gone so long without any physical affection, Gwaine was a rarity.
‘Consider it done.’
**
‘You’re okay, you’re going to be fine. That’s it.’ Merlin guided the man to the floor slowly, tried to stem the blood-flow from the wound, tried not to lose his mind at the fact somebody was dying. Because of him. Again.
‘Keep your King safe, yeah?’ He muttered, coughed some blood, then tried to crack a smile. Merlin tried to return it, kept pressure on the wound.
‘I will, and you’ll come back and tell him what you did, and he’ll reward you for what you did. One of the bravest men I’ve ever met.’ The man snorted, placed a bloody hand over Merlin’s, and patted it once.
‘You look so lonely, Merlin. Anyone would think you do this often.’ He choked then, gasped, and Merlin had to watch as he shuddered, unable to die peacefully like he deserved.
The Warlock rocked back, looked to the blood staining his hands, and could do nothing but stare.