Chapter Text
The funeral was small. Close friends and family only. With the war going on, it was dangerous to have too many people attend in such a small setting— “an easy target” as Moody reminded everyone diligently. Remus sat with his hands folded in his lap next to Sirius, who was sitting very still and staring at the floor with a numb expression on his face. He had already broken down earlier that morning in their flat as the two of them were getting ready, and Remus had held him for several long moments trying to keep him together. Now, Sirius seemed determined not to show any emotion. It was for James’ sake, Remus was sure. Sirius wanted to be strong for his brother as they buried Euphemia and Fleamont. As they buried their parents.
Remus glanced across Sirius’ lap to see Lily, sitting beside James and holding onto his arm tightly with one hand, the other resting across her stomach. She wasn’t quite showing yet, but Remus knew that she was thinking about the baby she and James were bringing into this world. A baby that would never know their grandparents. Peter was on the other side of James, twitching in his seat, unsure what to do with himself. He never knew how to handle situations like this.
Lily’s wet green eyes met Remus’ briefly and her lips twitched, as if trying to form a smile but the muscles in her face wouldn’t allow it. Remus himself just looked away, having nothing comforting to offer her in this moment. He himself couldn’t understand any of it. His own mother, Hope, had died a few years ago and it was bringing up a lot of emotions he had tried to repress ever since. Cancer. Dragon pox. It just seemed like such silly things to die from during a time of war and Remus didn’t understand.
The service was nice. James spoke beautifully about his parents, his tears never ceasing to stop despite his efforts. He talked of his childhood, how his parents were so patient with the whirlwind of a child they were given, how everything good about him had come from them. He talked about how proud he was to be their son. How he wished to someday be half the parent they were for his child. He had looked at Lily as he said it.
Sirius didn’t speak. Moody had insisted they keep the service as short as possible, giving only enough time for one person to speak. James had offered to split his time, but Sirius had declined, the insecure feeling that he was intruding on a family that wasn’t really his still so apparent after all these years.
“You, Sirius and Peter should come back to mine and James’ tonight. I don’t think we should be apart.” Lily said quietly in Remus’ ear as they found each other after the ceremony. James was at the door thanking everyone for coming as they left, Peter hovering closely behind in case he was needed. Sirius had snuck out for a smoke.
“Sirius might not agree.” Remus muttered. “He likes to mourn alone.”
Lily frowned, no doubt thinking about the self-destructive things Sirius partook in when he grieved.
“He’ll come.” She said. “He wouldn’t deny James.”
Remus couldn’t argue with that. He excused himself from Lily’s side to go in search for his boyfriend to inform him of the plans. He was stopped a few times by other Order members and Professor Dumbledore along the way, but eventually, he found his way out the back door of the building. Sirius was leaning against the brick wall, his hand dangling beside him, holding an unlit cigarette.
“You need a light?”
Sirius’ head shot up and Remus was surprised to see the wetness on his cheeks and the bloodshot look in his eyes. Sirius let out a humorless laugh and glanced down at the methanol stick in his hand.
“She hated when I smoked.” His voice cracked as he spoke. “I can’t bring myself to light it.”
Remus stayed quiet. He didn’t want to push Sirius to talk about his feelings, knowing that Sirius would just push him back and internalize everything. Instead, Remus focused on the weather, finding it oddly jarring at how bright it was outside with the sun shining and birds chirping. It was a great contrast to how everything felt. He looked down at his shoes.
“It’s not—” Sirius began, a choked sob escaping his lips. “It’s not fucking fair.”
“I know.” Remus said.
The dam broke again, just as it had that morning, and Remus lunged forward just as Sirius collapsed onto himself, sobs racking his body. A wet feeling spread across Remus’ shoulder as tight hands grappled at his back in a desperate motion and Remus felt his heart breaking. He could relate, on some level, to the pain of losing Euphemia and Fleamont because of his mother, but unlike Sirius, Remus was able to compartmentalize his feelings and control when and where he allowed himself to break down. Sirius was more prone to random bouts of anger and depression that were nearly impossible to predict.
“Let’s go to James and Lily’s tonight.” Remus whispered into the dark hair against his chest. “It’ll just be us and Pete there.”
“Remus—”
“James needs you tonight, Pads.” He knew it was a low blow, to use James to get Sirius to agree. But Lily was right, Sirius was never capable of denying James.
“Fine.”
They drove back to Lily and James’ in silence. Remus thought that disapparation may have been more practical transportation to and from the funeral, but again, Moody had been quite insistent on being cautious and apparating was a magical source that could easily be tracked by the Death Eaters and so, they had to do things the muggle way. It was probably for the best. Remus doubted any of them would be able to disapparate in such a state anyway.
Sirius reached forward and turned the radio on, the static cracking through the air as a song came on. It was a nice distraction from the noise and for a brief second it almost felt like a normal day to Remus with Sirius sitting beside him in the car, listening to tunes and just existing with one another. He wished he could go back to those days, if only to give Sirius one more moment of happiness.
When they arrived at James and Lily’s, Sirius walked through the threshold quickly and quietly, taking his place in the small, yellow loveseat by the window. Remus frowned slightly, wanting to be able to sit next to Sirius in order to gauge how he was feeling, but clearly Sirius wanted space. Remus sat down on the sofa next to Lily. James had rushed off to the kitchen, shouting something about getting drinks and Peter took a seat near the fireplace, still fidgeting in his lap.
“Alright,” James said as he came back into the room, hovering various beverages with his wand. “Lils, I brought you some water, Remus and Peter get tea and Padfoot and I get whiskey.”
He chucked a bottle of firewhiskey toward Sirius, who caught it with ease, immediately screwing the cap off and taking a long swig. Remus saw Lily give her husband a look of disapproval before taking a sip of her own water, choosing not to say anything.
“Are you sure it’s a good idea to be drinking?” Peter said, unable to read the room like Lily had.
James just shrugged, practically pulling the bottle from Sirius’ lips to take a swing himself.
“Don’t really plan on being anywhere tonight, so I would say it’s perfectly fine to indulge a little bit. I mean, I did just bury my fucking parents, I think I’m allowed to have a drink, Wormtail.” His voice came out harsh and Peter’s face took on a look of deep hurt. James had never spoken to Peter with such venom before, even going to great lengths to tip toe around his friend’s feelings, knowing how insecure he was.
The sudden tension in the room made Remus’ skin itch. He wondered if the rest of them could feel it like he could or if this was something the wolf was able to pick up on. Lily kept tucking her hair behind her ear and opening her mouth to say something, though nothing ever came out. Peter stared down at his lap, either not wanting or unwilling to look at James, and Sirius seemed to have zoned out, not even registering the conversation that just occurred. Remus felt useless. There was nothing he could think to say or do to make the situation better for anyone. He realized that it was always James or Sirius who were the ones able to distract everyone else from their sorrows. Their boisterous personalities and witty remarks always putting people in a better mood, but now, both their lights were out, and no one knew how to fix it.
“Remember that time your dad caught us snogging on the roof?” Lily said, her eyes on James. “We nearly fell off it when we heard him open the window.” She let out a soft laugh and Remus watched the grip James had on the bottle loosen a bit.
“Yeah. He said we needed to find a new hide out.” A shadow of a smile flickered across James’ face as he walked over to Lily, sitting on the other side of her and taking her hand, the firewhiskey abandoned on the small coffee table.
“Remember when Euphemia made us all those biscuits when we went out to the lake?” Peter said a moment later. James looked up at him with a smile and nodded.
“She made nearly a whole basket for each of us.”
James laughed and Peter followed suit, happy that his friend was smiling with him again. Remus grinned, too, remembering the day fondly. Euphemia had baked nonstop the night before and presented the four boys with baskets of goodies to take to the lake with them that day.
“It came in handy,” Remus said, “considering we all had the munchies after smoking that joint.”
They burst out laughing, James crying tears of joy instead of sadness now.
“Do you think she knew?” Peter asked.
“That we were going to get high? No. I think that’s just what mum did.”
“She was an extraordinary person.” Lily mused. “So was Flea.”
“No one like them.” James agreed.
Suddenly, Sirius stood from his seat and rushed out of the room. Startled by the sudden movement, everyone’s eyes followed him, watching him enter the kitchen and then a moment later the sound of the back-door slamming echoing throughout the small home. James made a move to stand, but Remus raised his hand.
“I’ve got it.”
With tentative steps, Remus made his way outside, walking carefully as if he were sneaking up on some wild animal. He heard soft sobs coming from around a bush and maneuvered until he could see Sirius sitting there on the grass with his head tucked into his knees. His long fingers were pulling at his dark hair as his body shook and Remus knelt down, gently taking hold of Sirius’ wrists.
“Hey, hey. You’re hurting yourself, Pads.”
“I’m sorry I just—” Sirius gasped, brining his head up to meet Remus’ gaze. “I just don’t know how to be here. How to do this.”
“It’s okay.” Remus pulled Sirius to his chest, tears of his own suddenly sprouting in his eyes. He could taste the saltiness of them as bit down on his bottom lip, urging himself to keep it together for Sirius.
“They were my mum and dad, Rem.” Sirius whispered, barely loud enough for Remus to hear. “I mean, I know that they weren’t really my parents but…but they were my mum and dad.”
“I know. It’s okay to miss them, you know. To cry over them.”
At those words, Sirius’ cries renewed, and the two of them sat there in the grass until his sobs slowly turned into heavy breathing. Remus glanced down at the tear stained face resting against his chest to see that Sirius had apparently tired himself out. He looked younger as he slept, his features softer and less tense. Like a face that hadn’t experienced these things. Remus carefully lifted Sirius, wrapping an arm under his knees, holding him tightly to his chest and took him inside. Peter seemed to have left, but Lily and James were still in the living room, curled up against each other, now changed out of their dress clothes and into pajamas. They glanced up when Remus entered.
“He cried himself to sleep.” He said quietly.
“The guest room is all yours. Go get some rest.” James said, his eyes flickering with concern as he looked to Sirius.
“Thank you.”
Remus laid Sirius down on the bed gently before ridding him of his shoes and clothes until he was just in his pants and undershirt. He pulled a large quilt over his boyfriend, running a hand across his face to brush back the hair that had fallen there before sitting beside him. As he looked at Sirius, Remus couldn’t help but hope that the boy in front of him wouldn’t have to deal with anymore loss. It seemed a futile wish during times like these with disappearances and deaths happening every day, but Remus hoped that the universe would make an exception and spare his star anymore heartbreak.