Chapter Text
Once he’d changed into some fresh clothes, he slept like a rock through the rest of the night, pun intended. He also slept through most of the morning as well, locked in the dreamless grasp of an exhaustion that even his freshly charged gem couldn’t alleviate. It might have been more of a mental thing, or perhaps it was just another anomaly caused by his anomalous situation. Whatever the reason, he was assured once he woke up that his health was still steadily improving. Dr. Maheswaran and Peridot had taken more scans, and all of them showed that his body was returning to its normal equilibrium. The relief that everyone felt at the news was palpable.
He still had trouble walking, only managing an unsteady shuffle across the room when he tried. That event had ended with Garnet catching him when he toppled spectacularly, and he nearly took a cupboard handle to the eye socket for his trouble. Still, he had regained much of the motor control in his arms and hands, so the doctor was confident that he’d be back on his feet in the next day or so if his recovery continued at its current pace.
The crisis seemed to be officially over, but what really drove things home for him was the sound of his stomach grumbling when breakfast was placed on the coffee table in front of him. He’d spent so long battling nausea or a complete lack of appetite that hunger felt like real proof of things getting better. He was grateful when nobody said anything as he sniffled into his bowl and started shoveling spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth.
Dr. Maheswaran had informed him that she’d be sticking around for the rest of the day, but unless any other complications popped up, she wouldn’t have to stay the night again. Connie, however, was granted permission to sleep over one more time; she’d spent most of the previous evening convincing her mother to let her do so, as long as she didn’t sleep in the same bed as Steven and as long as Steven actually slept in a bed from now on. Bismuth had fixed his windows a while ago, so now that he was out of the woods, he had no reason to continue sleeping on the couch instead of using a proper mattress.
The front door had finally been repaired as well at some point before he’d woken up. How Bismuth managed to do everything so quietly, he would never know, but as a result, it had escaped his notice. Sure, if he’d paid a modicum of attention, he would have figured it out pretty quickly, but in his defence, he’d had a long week. So, when he heard an ominous knock coming from the entrance, he had the rather belated realization that there was something to knock on again.
It was almost enough to distract from the jolt of fear that sent his heart rabbiting behind his rib cage. Almost. Everyone’s heads swiveled to stare at him as if they expected him to dive for cover, and it was tempting, to be honest.
But instead of hiding, he cleared his throat and nodded, dropping his spoon into his now-empty bowl. Pearl gave him an encouraging smile as she picked it up and took it to the kitchen to be cleaned, and his dad patted him on the shoulder before standing without a word to answer the door.
Steven waited with his hands folded in his lap, too nervous to lean out and look around the staircase to see who it was. He couldn’t stop himself from listening, though, not without covering his ears. Maybe this visitor wasn’t here for him. Or if they were, maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. His talk with Sadie had gone fine, right? It might even be her again, coming to check in and see how he was doing. That would be nice. He could talk to her without too much difficulty, probably.
“Oh, uh, mayor Nanefua.” His dad’s awkward greeting swiftly crushed that hope. “What brings you here?”
Nanefua’s tone was dry as she replied. “Hello, Greg. I think you know why I’ve come.”
“I was gonna send you a text-”
“Step aside, citizen!” The voice of a Ruby cut in.
“Please and thank you!” Chirped another. The platitude was tacked on in the mechanical way that was common for gems used to operating via orders or demands. Many of them were still adapting to asking for things nicely.
There was a pause before the mayor spoke up once more. “May I?”
“… Steven?” Greg’s head poked out from beyond the staircase, eyes concerned and questioning.
Steven did not doubt that his father would be willing to fight off an elderly woman and her henchgems for his sake if he refused to see them, but he knew he needed to do this. So he swallowed convulsively, then nodded again. He didn’t know how he was going to navigate this conversation when he was having trouble just saying yes or no, but the longer he put this off, the harder it would be to go through with it. He was getting to the point where delaying things made him feel just as bad as the thought of dealing with them. Rock, meet hard place.
His dad stepped back and motioned towards the living room. “Alright, come on in.”
Before the mayor could come into view, Steven’s gaze fell to his lap against his will, dragged there as if by gravity itself. He could still see when her feet approached in his peripheral vision, along with the small, polished shoes of her bodyguards. The group paused in silent communication, then the two sets of legs that belonged to the Rubies broke off to head toward the kitchen, and the human pair came to stand in front of him.
Nanefua was a friend. She liked him, and he was sure she cared about him. But she cared about the town too, and she had to prioritize her citizens over anything else. If she ended up needing to choose between him and them, she would always choose them, and he would never expect or want her to do otherwise.
Still, the possibility terrified him.
“You look horrible.” She commented bluntly. The observation startled a huff of amusement out of him, and it gave him the courage he needed to look up at her. Her eyes were kind as she studied him. She was short enough that they were similar in height when he was sitting down, and it was a little nostalgic, reminding him of when they’d been the same size once.
“I’m actually doing a lot better today.” He admitted, rubbing at the bandage that marked where his IV had been. The puncture had healed over now that his powers were back, but he hadn’t gotten around to uncovering the area yet.
She hummed and sat on the table across from him, giving him her full attention. “Then you must have been very ill since you’re as white as a fish kept in the freezer too long. Have you been eating properly?”
“A bit.” He shrugged, self-conscious. “I just had breakfast.”
She nodded approvingly. “The worst is over then, I take it?”
Oh, how he wished he could say that it was. Despite being on the upswing, the possibility of another transformation somewhere down the line still haunted him, and he couldn’t in good conscience say that it wouldn’t happen again. Corruption wasn’t something somebody could become immune to as far as anyone knew, and he didn’t even know if his case was standard corruption or just reactionary shapeshifting. Maybe it had been a mix of both. He had no way of truly knowing, but regardless, it meant that he didn’t have the luxury of avoiding the source of his corruption. He was the source, after all.
“Steven?”
A touch on his arm yanked him out of his thoughts, and he jerked back, feeling foolish as his eyes refocused on Nanefua’s worried expression. Why was he always so jumpy lately? “Sorry! Sorry, I…” He rubbed his face with his hands and sucked in a breath. He should have showered or something. He probably smelled disgusting after days without bathing. This wouldn’t be any easier if he was clean, but he’d feel less slimy and unappealing. At least he wasn’t shirtless anymore. “There’s something I need to tell you.” He forced himself to say before his nerves stopped him. “About… The monster on the beach.”
She stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue.
And he tried, he really did, but as soon as he opened his mouth to say something, it was like the words slid away from him, escaping through some hidden exit between his lungs and his throat. All he was left with was a breathless sound that made him feel pathetic. This hadn’t been so difficult with Jasper for some reason. Maybe it was because she knew what it was like to be corrupted. Or it could be because he didn’t have to worry about losing her respect. In fact, he might even have preferred if he had.
Or maybe it was because Jasper didn’t represent the entire town and humanity as he knew it.
Ugh, that line of thought wasn’t making this any easier. Come on, Steven. He told himself. You just have to say it. Just get it out, like ripping off a band-aid. Except this band-aid was fused to his skin with super-glue. If he ripped it off, he might just peel himself like an apple.
His eyes had returned to his lap, and he couldn’t get himself to raise them again. The bandage tape was no longer on his arm, he realized, which meant he must have picked it off at some point without noticing. Now it was grasped between his fingers instead, twisted around in the middle and sans cotton ball. He let it drop to the floor, then immediately felt guilty and bent to pick it back up, but once he had it, he didn’t know what to do with it. He stared, his mind inexplicably blank when he tried to remember where the garbage bin was.
A hand slid into his field of vision, palm facing upwards. He blinked, then, acting on autopilot, dropped the piece of bandage tape into it. He watched as it was withdrawn, and Nanefua calmly deposited the tape into the pocket of her suit jacket. Once that was done, she held both of her hands out towards him, keeping them open and relaxed as she gestured at his own in question.
He hesitated a moment before reaching across to reciprocate, gripping her fingers with what he hoped wasn’t too much strength.
Her voice was soft. Gentle. “Did something happen that is difficult to speak about?”
He nodded.
“If you don’t feel comfortable telling me, then you’re under no obligation to do so.”
“I have to.” He said, plaintive. “It’s something you need to know.”
“Maybe someone else could…” She trailed off as he shook his head.
His dad had offered, more than once, to give her the news in Steven’s place. But it didn’t feel right, making his dad do this for him, letting others act as a shield between him and the world. That was his job. “You… Deserve to hear it from me.”
“Okay.” She conceded. “But before you start, why don’t we take a moment to relax. You’re breathing quite heavily.”
Oh. Right. In through the nose, out through the mouth. In, count to seven. Out, count to eleven. He’d made sure to write Dr. Maheswaran’s breathing exercise instructions down and practice them with the doctor for a bit. The doctor had explained how they helped, mentioning different variations he could try as well as some techniques she called "grounding exercises" to see what worked best for him, but for the moment, he chose to stick with the one he already knew. It was easier, now that he could remember all the steps.
Nanefua squeezed his hands to get his attention. “Do you mind if I ask you some questions?”
“Yes… Oh- I mean no. No, I don’t mind.”
“I cleared my schedule, so there’s no need to rush.” She reassured him. “If you can’t answer, or don’t want to, just say ‘next question,’ alright?”
He swallowed. “Okay, yeah. I can do that.”
She began without preamble. “When did the incident with the creature occur?”
He furrowed his brows. She should already know that, shouldn’t she?
She smiled when she noticed his expression. “Some of my questions might seem obvious, but it helps to get the ball rolling.”
Oh. “Um…” He hadn’t been keeping much track of time. “Two days ago… I think?” He couldn’t be entirely sure since he’d slept so much since then, but that was his best guess.
“And where did it start?”
“The uh, the beach.” He paused. “Wait… No, it started inside… In my living room.” He couldn’t see the lines scored into the floor from where he sat since they were hidden beneath the coffee table, but he knew they were there. He’d put them there. There wasn’t much damage from his claws, surprisingly, since most of his destruction in the first few moments had been focused on the front wall, but the flooring still needed to be replaced. He wished Bismuth hadn’t saved that for last.
“Was the gem already corrupted at that point?” The mayor prompted.
“… I don’t know.” He wasn’t sure when the process had first started. It could have happened the moment he’d transformed, or possibly when he’d stopped being able to turn back to normal after his trip to Homeworld. Maybe it had already been set in motion long before, back when he’d first started glowing. He couldn’t quite tell where his many issues ended, and his corruption began. For all he knew, maybe corruption was actually the ‘gem version of cortisol’ Dr. Maheswaran had told him about at the hospital.
Nanefua adjusted her question, drawing him away from that line of thought. “But it changed then, yes? Or grew bigger?” She asked.
He worked his jaw. “Changed.”
“Is that when it moved to the beach?”
It must have been. He couldn’t remember. He’d been inside, trapped, afraid, and then he was outside. There’d been screaming, and pain, and… And…
There was a tug on his hands. Nanefua’s expression was difficult to read. “Don’t forget to breathe.”
“R- right, sorry…”
“It’s alright. I only need a yes or no answer, or you can give no answer at all. If you don’t want to say more, that’s fine. I don’t need details.”
Just remember to breathe. He could do that. “Yes, that’s… I think that’s when it moved to the beach.”
“Did they attack anyone?”
“I don’t know.” He’d done plenty of damage to the temple and the surrounding area. “Maybe?”
“Was anyone injured?”
“I don’t-” His voice caught. He hadn’t checked. Stars, he hadn’t checked. “I don’t remember…” They could have used the fountain, while he was sleeping. He wouldn’t have known. They wouldn’t have told him.
Another tug. A reminder. He pulled in a breath, managing not to wheeze. That was progress, right?
She considered him carefully. “Let me rephrase. Is anyone injured?”
‘Is,’ present tense. “No.” He muttered.
There’s was confusion creeping over her features. Her gaze ran over him, and he knew he must have looked pretty awful. Well, he hadn’t technically been injured, so to speak, but that might have been what she’d assumed about his convalescence.
Still, she didn’t pry. “How did you manage to stop the creature?”
“Diamond essence?” He didn’t mean to phrase it like a question, but the proper mechanics of his rescue escaped him. He remembered a raging fire creeping up his legs, over his chest, into his skin, his mind, and his heart. And it had hurt, but in a way that felt right, like burning away the resin on a serotinous pinecone.
She nodded in understanding. “So, you healed the gem?”
“Yes.” His own tears had been the final ingredient. He remembered that part so clearly for some reason, compared to everything else.
“That’s good.” Nanefua looked relieved at the confirmation, though she’d already been told as much. “And are they alright?”
He looked away. “Getting better.” Of course, this was where the conversation had to go in the end, he knew, but some part of him had mindlessly hoped that the road to get there would turn out to be endless. Maybe that’d be worse, like running on an infinite treadmill of dread, but purgatory was starting to look pretty cozy from where he currently sat.
“Where are they now?” She asked. Her concern for some nameless, faceless gem was both endearing and guilt-inducing.
The treacherous thump of his heart threatened to drown out his reply. “… Here.”
The mayor contemplated that with a not-so-subtle look around the room. She had to be suspicious about his story; he wouldn’t be acting like this for some random corrupted monster, even if it did destroy his house, and he certainly wouldn’t have made her wait this long over something he’d been through a million times. She had to know that, so why hadn’t she asked him yet?
Who was it? Who was the gem?
She shifted, turning her attention back to him when no one else offered a response. “Greg seemed unsure if they were permanently healed… Are you worried they might corrupt again?”
His throat threatened to betray him a second time, but he snuck the answer out before it could slip away. “Yes.” And that was why she needed to know.
“I remember you explained how corruption occurred to me before,” she said slowly, “but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. How exactly did this gem corrupt?”
His mouth opened, closed, opened again. “I…” He clenched his teeth, trying to fortify his voice, but the words just escaped between the cracks again, taking all of his air with them.
“It’s alright.” The mayor’s voice was distant, like he was hearing her from underwater. Maybe he was back in the ocean. “Perhaps we should continue this another time.”
Nanefua moved to stand, pulling away, but Steven held on to her before she could leave. “Wait!”
She froze. “Steven, it’s okay-”
“No, you-” Why was this so. Hard. “You need to know.” He clutched her hands. “You have to ask me!”
She settled back down. “Ask you what?” She showed no judgement for his strange behaviour, only concern.
“Who. Ask me who it was…” He squeezed his eyes shut. “Please.”
“Okay.” She replied softly. “Who was the gem that corrupted?”
“I’m a fraud.” He’d said, on his hand and knees. “I’m a monster.” Something inside him had torn its way out, and he’d tried to hold himself together, but he couldn’t anymore. He was a dying star, a supernova, destroying everything around it in a flash of heat and terror before collapsing in on itself and ceasing to exist.
“Me.” He confessed, his voice faint. “It was me.”
The moment stretched out into a small eternity as Nanefua’s fingers went stiff against his. The house was dead silent, and he could feel the weight of everyone’s attention on them, but he couldn’t let himself focus on that, or he’d lose his already tenuous grasp on what remained of his composure. He wondered if it was possible for him to just sink into the couch and hide beneath the cushions for the next few years like a pile of loose change.
“Steven, look at me.”
One of his eyes cracked open slowly, and he peered at her, expecting to see fear or anger. But he found neither.
She just looked sad. “What happened?”
There was so much, too much to explain. But he had to try. “I- I did so many awful things. I felt like a monster.” He whispered, ashamed. “And then I became one.”
“… I see.” It was her turn to look down. She sighed, long and hard. “I think… I may have made a very grave mistake.”
His heart tumbled down to rest somewhere below his feet. “I’m so, so sorry. I know I’m supposed to protect the city, not endanger it. I swear I never meant-”
She cut him off, shaking her head. “No, Steven, it is I who should apologize.”
“I…” He faltered. “I don’t understand…”
Nanefua let go of his left hand briefly to pull her glasses off, setting them on the table beside her. She rubbed at the bridge of her nose before returning her grip to his clammy fingers. “When I first became mayor, I originally chose you as my go-between for dealing with gem matters. Your guardians were inexperienced with human issues, so a mediator was needed to ease the process. That was what I told myself, at least.”
Of course. Steven had considered it to be a natural progression of his role as ambassador.
She pressed on. “Eventually, they learned how things worked. They were able to communicate with my employees and me without much difficulty. That’s when I could have started working with them directly.” Another sigh. Seeing her without her glasses was similar to seeing Garnet without her visor. Like a barrier had been stripped away to expose the person underneath more intimately. “And yet, I didn’t. I liked working with you, we got along well, but I should have known better than to lay that responsibility on your shoulders at such a young age.”
He squirmed. “But… I was the one who agreed to it. I wanted to help.”
“Oh, I know you did.” She smiled knowingly, an echo of the usual sly camaraderie between them. “That’s the problem. I’ve raised my share of teenagers. I know how enthusiastic they can be when agreeing to do something bad for them, only to find themselves in over their heads and convinced that it’s too late to turn back.” Her chuckle was light and nostalgic. “My granddaughters are bad enough, but their father was a nightmare. I had to put my foot down with him many times.” The mirth in her eyes faded as her face fell. “That’s something I failed to do with you.”
“But…” He struggled to find something to say, a way to reassure her that she hadn’t done anything wrong. “You’re not responsible for-”
“I’m the mayor.” She interjected. He was pinned in place with her deadpan look. “I’m responsible for everything, and that includes deciding who does what.”
That wasn’t fair. Pulling the mayor card was cheating. “I, I guess,” he stuttered, “but that’s not…”
She pinched his knuckles, prompting him to stop. Her gaze was sharp. “Steven, do you want me to be mad at you?”
Of course not. That’s what he’d been so afraid of leading up to his confession. But… “I feel like you should be.” He admitted, wilting.
“Well, I’m not.” She told him. “I am enlightened, actually. A lot of things make more sense now. So, I’ve made my decision.” Her voice grew more authoritative as she spoke. “Effective immediately, you’re fired.”
He gaped. Blinked at her. Gaped some more.
She tilted her head thoughtfully. “Or maybe it is better to say that I’m letting you go.”
“What?” He squeaked.
“I’m no longer in need of your services.”
His thoughts had been replaced at some point by the background hiss of a cassette tape. No attempts to rewind the conversation seemed to offer any explanation for how things had gone in this direction. “I’m fired!?”
She stood and took a step closer, adjusting her grip so that his hands were sandwiched between hers. She patted his knuckles soothingly. “Steven, I’m starting to realize that I was taking your help for granted. We have other options now, and it sounds like you could use a break.”
“But I…” He’d expected some sort of consequence, a punishment maybe, or a loss of trust and respect at least. The loss of his human friends, even. Or so he’d feared whenever his anxiety got the better of him. He hadn’t expected to lose his job. He hadn’t known he had one, always seeing it as more of a duty. But as soon as he’d been informed of his apparent employment, he was summarily informed of his unemployment.
He couldn’t decide if he should be upset about it or not. Nanefua was acting like she was doing it for his sake, not the city’s. It felt so backwards that he couldn’t tell if he was relieved or guilty. He couldn’t be the one to protect them anymore, obviously, but wasn’t that because they might need to be protected from him? If it was just to give him a break, then did he really deserve that?
It wasn’t like he wanted her to reject him, he just felt like they’d taken a wrong turn at some point, and he wasn’t sure if they’d made it to the right destination or not. The emotional dissonance was dizzying.
“… Don’t you think I’m dangerous?” He asked, looking down at his knees again. When had it gotten so hard for him to maintain eye contact?
Nanefua crouched in front of him, peering up at his face with care that felt unearned. “If I put a knife in a child’s hand, is he dangerous? Or has he just found himself in a dangerous situation? And if he hurts someone, who is to blame? Him for using the knife, or me for giving it to him?”
“I… Don’t know.” He admitted.
Her smile was gentle. “There’s no easy answer, of course, these questions are rhetorical by nature. But I think that putting you in the position to become dangerous would be bad for you as much as it would be bad for the city, and you don’t deserve that. You are just as important to me as any other citizen. I’ll confess, I even like you more than most.” She reached back to grab her glasses from the table and slid them back onto her nose. The light reflected off of them, making her eyes look like they were twinkling. “You are one of us too, Steven, no matter what happens.”
Oh. He thought. He clutched her hands tightly, trying to convey his gratitude through touch when words failed him. “… Thank you.” He managed to say when he could finally open his mouth without blubbering.
Satisfied with that response, she stood, briefly lamenting her old knees with good humour. “Now, if there’s anything else you wish to talk about, then you’ll just have to wait for my next visit.” Her voice turned sly. “It’s time for me to go, so you can enjoy the start of your second retirement.”
He chuckled, rubbing at his eyes. “I can’t believe you fired me.”
“Consider it a layoff.” She winked at him. “You’ll get a check in the mail.”
He froze as she stepped away, letting his hands drop. “Wait, what?”
The Rubies moved in silently to flank her when she approached the exit. They nodded at Steven respectfully like they always had, following the mayor as she continued her path to the door without sparing him a second glance.
“Nanefua?” He called. “You were just joking, right? You’re not actually going to pay me, are you?”
The only response he got was a jaunty wave as the door clicked shut behind her.
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His physical health continued to improve throughout the day. It wasn’t instant like his healing usually was, but that was likely due to the nature of the cause. Still, he’d gone through more than enough for his emotional exhaustion to be at an all-time high, so after everything that had happened, he wasn’t looking forward to saying goodbye to the diamonds.
Not that he wanted to keep them around on earth for much longer. They had… Strong personalities, to put it mildly. And while they’d been keeping a polite distance so far during his crisis, that couldn’t continue indefinitely. He was sure they didn’t want to stick around for too long either; they weren’t super fond of earth themselves.
But dealing with them, which was hard enough on its own, also meant dealing with her.
White.
He’d had plenty of trouble before when all he had to worry about was the stuff from two years ago, but now that she’d helped to save him, everything felt so… Complicated. There was a jumble of contradicting feeling inside his head, and he wasn’t looking forward to trying to figure them out. But the Diamonds couldn’t stick around forever. Either he went to them, or they’d come to him, eventually. He’d prefer to do it on his own terms. So, once he was able to stand up and shuffle across the living room without falling over, he announced that he was going to go visit them.
And then he was promptly pushed back onto the couch by Amethyst as she shook her head and told him she’d call them over instead. He probably should have seen that coming.
The gems at least let him move out to the deck, where he got to sit in one of the deck chairs. Knowing now how his gem drew power, he couldn’t help but tilt his head up to catch the sun, letting it warm his face. He wasn’t sure if he absorbed it through his skin or directly through his gem, but it felt nice either way. Below them, the water drifted across the sand in gentle waves. The calls of birds echoed against the rocks like a chorus.
The location provided a good view of the diamond ship as everyone found a place to sit or stand around Steven, and they all turned their heads to watch it in the distance. He didn’t have to wait long before three large figures exited the structure, making their way towards the house.
Blue and Yellow were in the lead, with White trailing behind, a different arrangement from their usual formation. Blue had her excitement written across her face as she approached, and she was smiling when she arrived, crouching a bit to peer at him over the railing. “Steven! I’m so glad you’re doing better!”
“Yes.” Yellow agreed, as brusque as ever. “You gave us all quite a scare.”
White kept silent behind them. She was smiling too, but she didn’t try to butt in like she usually would when she felt like she was being ignored or left out, which was generally five minutes into any conversation. Still, she seemed relieved to see his improved condition.
He couldn’t say that he hated the diamonds. Maybe that was petty of him, to be able to say it about someone as harmless as Kevin yet not about the gems who’d once tried to destroy him and everything he ever cared about, but they were just too entwined with his life for him to feel something so… One dimensional.
He gave them a sheepish wave. “Hey guys. Um, I know you wanted to see me. Sorry you had to wait so long.”
Blue made a dismissive gesture. “Oh, it’s no trouble! We don’t mind waiting. After all, it’s…” She paused, looking guilty as her posture drooped. “… The least we could do.”
Yellow grimaced beside her. “And it’s a good thing we stayed too. Who knows what might have happened?”
He probably would have died. That wasn’t really something he wanted to think about right now. “Still, thanks for being patient with me. And I’m also sorry for running off like I did before.”
“Honestly, Steven.” Yellow sighed, waving a hand. “Stop apologizing. It all worked out in the end, for the most part. Now’s the time for you to focus on your health first and foremost.”
Blue regained her smile. “And if there’s ever anything you need, please let us know!”
This was precisely why it was a challenge to figure out how he felt about the Diamonds. They were so nice to him now, and he knew that was because they felt guilty and he was one of the few things they had left from his mom, but it made him feel bad whenever a dark thought crossed his mind about Blue kidnapping his dad, or Yellow ordering for the earth’s destruction, or White…
It was just… Hard to hate them, even if he resented them sometimes. And maybe he was hypocritical as well as petty because he didn’t seem to have as much trouble with most of the other gems who’d tried to hurt him, like Peridot, or Lapis, or Bismuth. But they’d never sought to harm him or the earth with malicious intent. It had always been because they were doing what they thought was right, or they were desperate, or because they weren’t thinking straight in the heat of the moment. Sometimes all three. The diamonds had simply wanted to destroy something to make themselves feel better.
And he… Well, Steven had proven himself a diamond in that respect too, hadn’t he? Even if he hadn’t gone through with it. He knew what it could be like to feel so cold and so cruel. They were getting better, slowly. They were trying. But it was hard to reconcile that when the only reason they’d been willing to change in the first place was because of his relation to his mother, even if they cared about him now. There was always that thought in the back of his mind, of ‘what if?’ What if something happened to him, and they went right back to what they were like before? Or worse, what if something made him like that, and he became willing to act on his darkest thoughts? If anything ever happened to his dad, or Connie, or the gems… Could he lose himself to grief like that too? Maybe that was the real reason why he felt so conflicted about the diamonds. He saw in them a terrifying possibility for who he could become.
How could Steven condemn them without also condemning himself?
Around and around, his thoughts went. A carousel inside his head that never seemed to stop. It was starting to give him a headache.
“… Steven?”
He jumped, realizing he’d been staring off into space for several seconds of silence. He needed to stop doing that. “Sorry. Yeah, I’ll- I’ll let you know.” He fidgeted with the edge of the table before clearing his throat. “Um, before you leave, can I talk to White alone for a moment?”
Blue and Yellow shared a look, then Blue nodded in agreement. “Of course. Until next time then. It was very nice seeing you, Steven.”
He waved as they left, feeling a little less overwhelmed once they were gone. When he turned to the others, he could see the reluctance in their faces. They knew what he was going to ask next. “Completely alone, please?”
“You sure you don’t want some backup?” Amethyst asked, leaning closer to him from across the table.
“Yeah, I’m sure.” He shrugged. “I just want some privacy.” He hadn’t had a lot of that recently and likely wouldn’t for a while either. He didn’t blame the others since he was pretty used to it after years spent sleeping without a wall, but still, he needed space sometimes. He especially needed it for stuff like this.
The gems dragged their feet about it, but Connie helped herd them back into the house, going as far as to push Amethyst along on her heels as the purple gem made her resistance extra clear.
Once everyone had gone inside, Connie poked her head back out. “Call us when you’re done, or if anything comes up.” She told him.
Then with one last lingering look, she closed the door, leaving him alone with White Diamond.
White had remained silent through the entire exchange, her arms kept folded and her face neutrally pleasant. He could tell that she was uncomfortable, but he had no idea what she was thinking beyond that. He let out a breath. “I wanted to thank you for saving me.”
She made a regal gesture of dismissal. “Well, you saved yourself as much as I did. And like Blue said, it was… The least I could do.”
“The least you could do was nothing.” He corrected. “And I wouldn’t have been able to do anything without your help. So, thank you.”
“… Then I suppose you’re welcome.” She usually enjoyed being thanked for stuff, or any type of praise, really, but this time she just looked uneasy.
He could sense some sort of tension in the air, and it made his hands clammy as his pulse quickened. His heart was getting a lot of exercise lately. He tried to resist the urge to stare at his knees again like he had with the mayor. “And I uh, I wanted to apologize, too. For what happened on Homeworld.”
White shut her eyes. “Please, you don’t have to-”
“I- I’m pretty sure you know what I thought about doing back then. What… what I almost…” Steven bit his lip. He had just shattered someone, and then he almost went and did it again.
“Steven, you have every right to be angry about what I did before.” White looked pained.
“I don’t have a right to just lash out like that!” He gripped the fabric of his pajama pants until his knuckles turned white. “You trusted me, gave me control, and I could have-”
“But you didn’t.” She cut him off, and her voice resonated with more authority than he’d heard from her in a long time. It sent a shiver down his spine. She must have noticed because her tone was softer when she continued. “You didn’t do anything to me. You were frightened, you got upset with yourself, and then you ran off. That’s all.” Her eyebrows drew together, and her gaze turned distant. “If we’d only had the same restraint in the past as you did, this whole thing could have been avoided in the first place.”
He rubbed his hands over his face, feeling exhausted beyond his years. “Just because you did something bad to me, that doesn’t mean it’s okay for me to do something bad to you…”
“That’s my point, Steven.” Indignance crept into her tone, making her sound more like her usual present-day self. “You’re trying to apologize for something you didn’t do. It’s ridiculous!”
He hunched, feeling a bit silly in the face of her exasperation. “Well, I still thought about it…” He muttered.
“So, thinking about something is wrong then?” She huffed. “I’ve already put up with so many new rules over the past few years, or ‘guidelines’ as you like to call them. Must I police my mind now as well?”
“What-?” He sputtered. “No!”
“Then what is the problem?”
Steven faltered, mouth opening and closing. “… Nothing. I guess- I guess you’re right…” He slumped and let out a sigh. “… Maybe it doesn’t make sense but… I still feel bad. For a lot of things, even when people keep telling me I shouldn’t.”
White adjusted her sleeves, brushing invisible dust from the hems. “Well, you’re always going on about the virtues of democracy. If everyone is saying the same thing, perhaps you should defer to the popular vote.”
As was par for the course with the diamonds, he didn’t know how to feel about that. But maybe that was okay. He didn’t need to know, not right now at least. “… Okay. I… I’ll try.”
“Good.” She sniffed. “Glad that’s settled.”
Saying it was ‘settled’ was debatable, but he was more than willing to let the matter drop.
When the silence lingered, their usual struggle to communicate reasserting itself once they didn’t have anything specific to discuss, he searched for something to change the subject before the conversation got even more awkward than it already was. “So, uh, where’s Spinel, by the way? I didn’t see her anywhere.”
For some reason, White’s response was a look of embarrassment. “Ah, about that. I wasn’t sure whether to say anything…”
As she spoke, a pink arm slithered out from beneath her cape and waved sheepishly.
Spinel extracted herself from her hiding spot and crawled up to stand on White’s shoulder, pigtails drooping as she poked her index fingers together. “I, uh, was gonna pop out and surprise you, but then you wanted to see White alone and… I couldn’t figure out the right time to say anything…”
So, she’d heard everything then. Steven ducked his head, cheeks burning.
“Um, I get it now, though!” She assured him. “Why you asked me that stuff before. I had no idea you had those sorts of thoughts too!” She had a smile on her face, like the revelation was a good thing in her eyes, even though Steven just wanted to crawl under the table and disappear.
“It’s fine Spinel.” He mumbled. “You were right. I should take my own advice.”
She wagged a finger. “Nuh-uh, that’s not what I said. I was telling you what helped me, not saying it would help you.”
“… I guess.” He replied, unsure where this was going.
“If I knew why you were asking before, I guess what I woulda said instead is that I do still think about stuff like that sometimes, technically, but I don’t actually want to do any of it now, so it’s not the same as it was before. I mean, just because you think about bad stuff, it doesn’t mean that you’re bad, right?” Spinel scuffed a heel against the puffy fabric of White’s shoulder pads. “And even back when I actually did the bad stuff, you still wanted to help me anyway. So, if you ever got to that point, I’d want to help you too, like you did for me.”
Steven regretted that he hadn’t grown as close to Spinel as he had with other gems, though part of that was her own desire to start anew with the Diamonds. The other part was that his experience with her had been more like the Diamonds than he was necessarily comfortable with, and that meant he had to deal with a lot of the same complicated feelings. But he was touched by her willingness to support him, no matter their history. “Thanks, Spinel. I’ll make sure to remember that.” He managed a weak smile.
“Awh, it’s nothing.” She rubbed the back of her head. “I was actually gonna say sorry again for what I did before, but that might be a bit repetitive by this point.”
“Just a bit.” He replied, suppressing a chuckle. “I won’t apologize anymore if you won’t.”
Her pigtails perked up as she nodded decisively. “It’s a deal!” A gloved hand stretched down to him, and he shook it with as much authority as he could muster without feeling ridiculous.
“For what it’s worth,” White interjected, her voice a curious mix between imperious and subdued, “I share Spinel’s sentiment. We all do. And it’s not…” She paused. Her eyes were wistful as she transferred Spinel to her arms. “… It’s not just because of your relation to Pink. I feel we may have been overstating that particular aspect as of late. I’m sure you have many other resources that you could rely on before ever turning to us, but we will always be willing to help you in whatever way we can.”
“I… Thanks.” He doubted he would ever fully come to terms with everything between him and White, or the Diamonds in general, but he could appreciate that they were trying. Their ability to do better, and be better, didn’t depend on his feelings towards them. In a way, that was comforting.
White hummed approvingly before smoothing out her expression until it was carefully pleasant once more. He was getting the impression that she donned that look whenever she felt extra emotional and wanted to keep up appearances. “Well, I’ve been informed that you require rest, so I won’t keep you any longer. If you ever need further assistance, feel free to call.”
“I will.” He agreed, though he hoped he wouldn’t need to any time soon, if ever. “Say hi to everyone on Homeworld for me.”
She nodded indulgently, then turned away. Spinel called out one last chipper farewell as they left, and Steven followed their progress with his eyes until they’d vanished into the ship. Finally, with a deep hum that was strong enough to vibrate his teeth, the diamond ship took off, rising high into the atmosphere. The air around it twisted as it corkscrewed any light passing by its hull, then it vanished into warp speed with a twinkle of light, leaving nothing behind except an afterimage burned into his vision.
He stared at the sky where the ship had last been, allowing himself a moment of pensive thought. His friends and family were probably watching him through the window, but he didn’t call them yet. He felt… A bit better, despite his previous misgivings. He was still raw. Heck, it was worse now, as if his guts had been turned inside-out and scraped clean with a wire brush. But it was the kind of raw that felt necessary, like for all the pain he’d gone through, it was still good to air everything out. It left him sensitive and stinging, but maybe he had cleaned out some of the festering material stuck in those previously hidden crevices.
It was kind of a gross metaphor, but a nicer one wouldn't work quite as well.
Steven wasn’t sure how much time had passed before the door clicked open behind him, but the light had already shifted closer to the afternoon. He’d been too busy watching the waves on the shore, his chin resting on his arms, to notice, needing some time to just… Stop thinking for a little while.
He could hear footsteps approaching on the deck, and his dad took a hesitant seat in the chair to his right.
“How’d it go?” Greg’s voice was quiet, like he’d walked in on someone trying to sleep or something. He usually took that tone when he was worried that Steven was crying, which was a fair concern considering everything that had been going on with him lately. Maybe he should have done more crying since he usually had less trouble talking about stuff once the waterworks started. “Figured if we all came out at once, you’d feel a bit overwhelmed. I can go back inside if you want some more time to yourself.”
Steven shrugged a shoulder, giving his dad a brief smile to show that he was still doing okay, all things considered. Though he was glad about not being swarmed immediately. “It wasn’t too bad, just tiring, I guess.” Everything was tiring lately, but that was to be expected. “I wouldn’t mind some company.”
“That’s good, as long as you’re not pushing yourself too hard.” Greg shuffled his chair in closer to the table now that he had permission to stay. He laced his fingers together in front of him as he looked out onto the beach. “Nice weather, huh?”
“Yeah.” Steven let himself take in the sun for a moment at the reminder.
“I was thinking of getting some ice cream, or wait, can you eat dairy? Maybe some shaved ice would be better…”
He raised an eyebrow. “Vegetarians can have dairy, but I’m fine with either.”
“Right, I tried looking that stuff up online, but some of the names were a bit confusing.” Greg scratched at his beard, wincing. “There was a lot about gluten. I should have paid more attention back when I used to hang out with hippies. Don’t tell your uncle I said that.”
“Dad, I don’t have celiac disease.” Steven giggled. “I just don’t eat meat.”
“Hey, blame the internet for that suggestion.”
“You can’t blame the internet for everything.”
“I can if you stop calling me out on it!”
They dissolved into a bout of laughter, enjoying the familiar humour that had felt so hard to give in to lately. It was nice to just sit together and talk for a bit. Part of what had made it so difficult before was everything that had been left to linger in the air. There were so many problems and unsaid regrets. The elephant in the room had become a herd, following Steven wherever he went until there was too much to unpack without getting trampled. The last time he’d tried to talk to his dad, things had gone spectacularly wrong, so it was a relief to be able to go back to having this sort of silly, unimportant conversation.
Which was why he felt bad about having to ruin it. He could see his dad struggling to stay casual. It was clear that something was on the older man’s mind, and the last thing Steven wanted right now was more elephants. So, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. “Dad is there… Something you wanted to talk about?” He rubbed one of his scars absently. Dr. Maheswaran had mentioned that the puce colour was typical when they were new, and it would likely change or fade with age.
His dad cringed, then let out an apologetic chuckle and scratched at his beard. “Am I that obvious? I just figure, now’s probably a bad time and all. It can wait.”
He sighed. “Honestly, I’d rather get it all over with now. I don’t want something else to feel anxious about later.” Sometimes it felt like waiting was half the battle.
“It’s not…” Greg faltered. “Well, I guess I can’t say it’s not a big deal, but I don’t want to dump too much on you all at once, and it’s not like it’s time-sensitive or anything.”
“Dad.”
He held up his hands. “Okay, alright. But don’t say I didn’t warn ya.”
“Consider me warned.” Steven pressed a hand solemnly to his chest. “I waive my rights to be grumpy about or get mad at you for whatever you’re about to say.”
His dad pointed a stern finger at him. “I’ll hold you to that. Though we can stop at any time if you need to, okay?”
“Got it.”
“Okay.” Greg sat back and blew out a breath. “So, I’ve been talking a bit with Priyanka about what happened. What you’ve been dealing with lately, among other things.”
Right. It was only natural to discuss things like that. How could they not? They’d hardly had a chance to speak with Steven about anything one on one since he’d spent half his time sleeping the past few days, and when he’d been awake, he was constantly on the edge of freaking out. They would have needed to talk about it without him.
His dad continued. “And I’ve come to realize that this hasn’t actually been ‘lately,’ not for you at least, it’s just that I only found out about it lately.” He gave Steven a sad look. “It’s been going on for a long time, and I didn’t notice because I wasn’t paying enough attention ‘til now.”
“No, dad.” Steven reached out to grip his dad’s arm. “None of this is your fault.”
“I still feel like I could have helped if I’d known sooner.” Greg covered Steven’s hand with his own. His expression was wistful. “But I get that dwelling on that isn’t going to do me any good, I’m just letting you know that I’m here now. I want you to include me in everything from this point onward, even crazy gem stuff. You don’t have to shelter me from your life just because I was a bit sensitive before. It wasn’t fair for me to ignore that part of you for so long.”
Steven swallowed, nodding to show he understood.
“But the main thing Priyanka and I’ve been talking about is, well, really Priyanka suggested it, and I’ve come to agree with her…” His dad peered at him as if gauging how he was going to react. “We… think you should consider seeing a therapist.”
He blinked. “Oh.”
“Oh…?” His dad prompted.
“… Huh.”
Greg shifted uneasily. “You gotta give me more than that, bud.”
“I…” Steven ran his other hand through his hair, letting out a long breath. “Is it weird that I’ve never really thought about it before?”
His dad huffed in amusement. “I can’t say I expected that, but I’ve lost all sense of what counts as weird these days, so who knows.”
A grin tugged briefly at Steven’s lips before he turned thoughtful again. “I guess… That stuff always seemed like a human thing. But my issues are so…” He gestured vaguely. “Out of this world.” His fingers picked at a dent in the table as he looked down at his nails. They were blunt now, but a hint of unnatural colour remained in the cuticles. “I haven’t felt human for a long time, so I didn’t really think things like that applied to me anymore. How would I even start to explain everything about my mom, or the diamonds, or anything gem related? That’s basically my whole life.”
Greg perked up at that. “Actually, that’s one of the things we’ve been figuring out! Priyanka said she’s been collaborating with people in her field about the whole gem thing since they’ve started living on earth. I think she’s trying to create a whole new category of science or something based on studying gemkind.” He waved a hand. “Anyway, she mentioned some mental health docs she can recommend who already know about that stuff.”
Steven chewed on the inside of his cheek as he mulled over that information, trying not to let his usual misgivings about opening up cloud his judgement. “That would make things easier, I guess.” He replied.
His dad leaned over to give him a gentle nudge. “Hey, try looking at it this way: gems have been living on earth for a really long time, right? Seems to me like they’re not as alien as you think.”
He… Hadn’t thought of it like that. He glanced up, feeling self-conscious. “Do you want me to see someone?” He wasn’t sure if he was looking for encouragement or an excuse to be reluctant.
Greg studied him seriously. “… Yeah. Yeah, I do. I’m not about to force you if you really don’t want to go, but… I want you to try, if you’re willing.” He pushed his chair closer until they were side by side and wrapped a comforting arm around Steven’s shoulders. “We all want to help you as much as we can, but we don’t always get things right all the time. I’d feel better if you had someone who knows what they’re doing on your team so we can figure out the right way to do this together.”
… It felt like such an abstract concept, something Steven only saw in tv shows or cartoons. A funny-looking couch next to a person holding a clipboard, asking him probing questions about childhood insecurities. Now that he was considering it, it frightened him a bit. If he already felt so exposed now, he could only imagine how he’d feel after a few months of offering himself up to someone else. But, at the same time, the thought of having somebody he could talk to who was trained to deal with that sort of thing was oddly enticing. He always felt guilty unloading anything onto others. He knew what it was like, to be strangled by the wealth of everyone else’s problems. And recently, it felt like every new issue was another rope getting looped around his neck, though he knew that was just his imagination getting the better of him. But a therapist was supposed to deal with that sort of thing. They had tools and resources, and they got paid for their services. They were prepared to work with people like him. But it still wouldn’t be easy to face his problems head-on. That part of him had been hidden for so long, too long. He didn’t know if he would be able to learn a new way of dealing with everything.
Still, nothing else Steven tried had worked so far. For all he knew, it could be precisely what he needed. And he needed to get better, right? No, he… He wanted to get better.
He leaned into his dad, trying to let some of his worry drain away in the presence of someone he trusted. “Okay…” He said, his voice quiet against the hush of the ocean waves. “I’ll try.”
The grip around him tightened, and there was a slight tremble to his father’s touch. “Thanks, Schtu-ball.” Greg’s voice was thick. “I’m really proud of you, you know that, right? And I mean every part of you. Gem or human, good or bad.”
Back during the road trip, after the crash, that pride had stung, like an old wound flaring up in the cold. But now, with a clearer head, it was easier to let the words wash over him and warm him. His dad wasn’t ignoring or praising his mistakes. That pride was an acceptance of who he was and whoever he might be in the future. It had just been… Timed badly before.
“I’m sorry about crashing the van.” He mumbled, squeezing in one last apology for the day, even though he knew he shouldn’t.
Greg heaved a rueful sigh. “Yeah, well, I’m sorry for not listening to you and making it all about me.” He replied. “Looking back, I was being pretty dense. It’s a bit late now, but I can still ground you for a week or something if it’ll make you feel better. How’s that sound?”
Steven snorted. “Actually, yeah, it’d give me an excuse to not go anywhere for a while.”
“Well then, effective immediately, you’re grounded.” His dad announced, and they devolved into a fit of giggles.
Grounded and fired, in the same day. What an eventful week Steven was having. He rested his head on his father’s shoulder. “Hey, dad?”
“Hm?”
“I love you.” He whispered, and he couldn’t help but sniffle as he said it. Of course, now was when he was going to cry, after it was all over.
“Thanks bud.” Greg’s voice was soft as he replied. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Steven’s head. “I love you too.”
After some time spent resting together in comfortable silence, Greg signalled that their talk was finished, and the others started trailing out of the house to join them. Nobody asked what they’d been discussing this whole time or what Steven had said to White. Everyone just made themselves comfortable somewhere on the deck once more, striking up conversations and just enjoying the company. Only Priyanka stayed behind to lean in the doorway, sipping at a cup of something warm as she exchanged a knowing nod with Steven’s dad.
After so long spent cooped up, no one was in a rush to go back inside, least of all Steven. So, Amethyst decided to bring out another party game, this time grabbing one that involved dice rather than cards. She managed to rope Peridot, Connie, and Lapis into it, but Steven declined. He preferred to watch them play together, chuckling when Peridot started arguing about the odds of Amethyst rolling a Yahtzee three times in a row during the first 15 minutes. Nobody had the heart to tell her that Amethyst was cheating.
He thought about joining in occasionally, but in the end, he just sat back and enjoyed the moment, taking in the sun, the salt, and the voices of his friends and family. There was still a wealth of destruction along the beach that hadn’t been cleaned up yet, and it hurt to look at, but he tried to look past that and focus on the shining surf. His problems hadn’t magically been solved, and he still had a lot to deal with in the coming months, of course. But this… This could be a start.
His dad carded a hand through his hair. “You can go back inside to sleep some more, you know. If you’re getting tired.”
He’d sunk down in his chair, his eyes drooping. “I’m okay.” He mumbled. They were well into the afternoon, but it wasn’t late enough for him to retreat to his bed yet.
Amethyst let out a whoop of victory, jumping up onto the table to do a touchdown dance while Peridot ripped up the score sheet in a fit of rage. Connie was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes. One of the dice bounced off Steven’s chest and rolled under the table.
He still wasn’t ready for the future, not yet, but it didn’t feel quite as daunting now as it had a few days ago. His friends weren’t grains of sand trickling through an hourglass; he had time.
Greg gave the antics an amused look. “You sure? It’s getting a bit rowdy out here.”
“Yeah.” Steven let his eyelids drift shut. “I’m just gonna stick around for a little while longer.”
