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Wei Ying felt like he was being torn in two, and not in the sexy way. No, he genuinely thought he was going to lose his dinner from the pain, but he just bit his lip. The taste of iron filled his mouth but he didn’t make a sound.
He had only been Lan Zhan’s omega for a few months. They had courted each other for several months before that, but they had only exchanged mating marks less than half a year prior. Ever since then, Wei Ying had been determined to be the perfect mate for Lan Zhan. After all, someone as flawless as Hanguang-Jun deserved a mate that was equally as bright.
Unfortunately, he was not equally as bright as Lan Zhan. No matter how much he tried, he was always a shadow behind the Light Bearing Lord. He was always a stain on their history books. He was always the Yiling Patriarch, and Mo Xuanyu’s body would do nothing to change that.
The only thing that Mo Xuanyu’s body changed was Wei Ying becoming an omega, while having been a proud beta in his past life. Sometimes he still had trouble remembering how different his new body was, and it would leave him in tears that he made sure to dry before his Lan Zhan returned to their home.
“Hng-“ Wei Ying swallowed back a cry. All he wanted to do was be a good omega for his alpha, but he couldn’t even do the most basic thing for his mate. He couldn’t take Lan Zhan’s knot, no matter how much prep they did. Each and every time it hurt too badly for even him to ignore, and eventually Lan Zhan took it upon himself to avoid trying to knot his mate in fear of hurting him more.
This time, however, Lan Zhan was coming out of his rut and only needed one more orgasm before he was properly sated. Wei Ying’s slim waist fit so perfectly in his large hands, his omega’s skin - once so pale but now kissed by the sun - covered in bruises and red bites. He managed to refrain from drawing blood, but only just.
“Wei Ying-“ he grunted, his mind in a fog of pleasure and desperation. His mate gasped under him, the feeling of Lan Zhan’s knot pressing against his entrance making his body feel static from the strain. It almost felt like he was ripping but he refused to say anything. He was determined to be a proper mate for Lan Zhan, no matter what.
He barely acted like a proper omega to begin with. He wanted to be a mate Lan Zhan could be proud of, but all he did was disappoint. He was going to take his mate’s knot, no matter the cost. Lan Zhan deserved a proper omega.
Lan Zhan looked down at Wei Ying, his mind fogging more with the promise of being released from his rut any minute now. His omega’s body was slick and pliant under him, and he wondered for the thousandth time what he did to deserve someone as perfect as Wei Ying to be his mate.
He groaned, his instincts screaming at him to fill Wei Ying with his pups - to breed his beautiful omega until he was so full of cum that he wouldn’t be able to walk without it gushing down his perfect legs-
The growing base of his cock pressed harder against the rim of Wei Ying’s ass, pushing the ring of muscle but not quite breaching it. His inner alpha roared, urging him to fill Wei Ying properly for once and make a family with his Wei Ying.
Suddenly, the slide seemed even smoother than before. Lan Zhan looked down, only to freeze in absolute horror.
Where he was connected to his omega, crimson was beginning to run down the insides of Wei Ying’s thighs, staining the crisp white sheets. It was then that he noticed how badly Wei Ying was shaking, and how his face was buried in the bedding.
“Wei Ying...” his heart beat out of his chest as he carefully slid out, his eyes stinging as Wei Ying flinched in pain.
Wei Ying didn’t know why Lan Zhan stopped. He was so close - so CLOSE he could FEEL IT - to finally knotting his mate and he stopped. Ice flooded his veins as he came to a realization.
Of course Lan Zhan stopped. He stopped because Wei Ying was not a compatible mate for him, no matter how hard they tried to make it work. His body would never accept Lan Zhan fully, the way a mate was supposed to.
Did Lan Zhan even want to be his mate? He desperately tried to think back - back before they even started courting. Did Lan Zhan express his want to court Wei Ying, or did Wei Ying force Lan Zhan’s hand with his flirting and suggestive comments? Did Lan Zhan feel obligated to mate with him because he felt guilty about what happened in his first life?
Did Lan Zhan even want him?
His blood pounded through his ears, blocking everything off. He felt himself collapse onto the bed but didn’t feel his mate’s touches - of course he didn’t! Because Lan Zhan wouldn’t touch him. He was probably disgusted with Wei Ying! What sort of omega can’t even fulfill the most basic of actions for his alpha? Even as a beta he was less useless than he was now. He began to shake, sharp pain flaring from his hips and ass. The feeling of drying slick and something else against his tightly closed thighs make Wei Ying feel disgusting.
Disgusting and worthless and used, like a pair of shoes that didn’t quite fit right and needed to be replaced. Because that’s what he was - ill fitting and replaceable. He curled in on himself, tears finally making their way down his face. Once they started falling, he found he couldn’t stop. He sobbed into the bedding, his whole body shaking so hard he could hear the bed frame creaking faintly.
Lan Zhan stared down at his mate with wide eyes, his entire being frozen stiff in fear. How could he have let himself be so reckless? He had vowed to protect Wei Ying! He promised that nothing would ever hurt his mate again, yet there Wei Ying was - sobbing on his bed, curled into a tight ball as blood and slick soaked into the sheets. A part of his brain commented how the stains would probably never come out, but a bigger part of his brain was SCREAMING at him to DO SOMETHING. FIX THIS. MAKE HIM STOP HURTING-
“Lan Zhan...” Wei Ying whispered, his voice tight and trembling. “I’m sorry...”
“What?” Lan Zhan was too shocked to say much else.
“I just- I just want to be a good omega for you, just once,” he turned his head to look at his alpha. His face was splotchy and tacky, pain making his eyebrows meet in the center. “Just once I w-wanted to be worthy of b-being your omega b-but I can’t even take your knot...”
“Wei Ying-“
“Please don’t leave me!” Wei Ying started sobbing harder, his entire body contorting as he cried. “I’ll do better next time! I promise I’ll be a better omega! Please! J-just don’t leave me...”
“I would never leave you,” Lan Zhan’s ears were ringing from shock. How could Wei Ying ever believe he wasn’t a good omega? Even while he was a beta, Lan Zhan loved him with all his heart, and he was certain that if Wei Ying had been an alpha, he still would have courted him. He still would have made Wei Ying his mate, no matter what. “I love you... I could never leave you.”
“I’m sorry,” it seemed as though Wei Ying couldn’t hear Lan Zhan’s words at all, his own thoughts drowning out any outside noise. “I know this body is bad. I know it’s not right for you but I want to make it better! I’ll do whatever you want! I want to be good for my alpha! Please!”
Lan Zhan couldn’t bear to hear his precious mate beg any longer. He pulled Wei Ying into his chest, not even noticing when the blood began to drip onto his bare thighs. He pressed Wei Ying’s nose against his neck, letting his lips rest against their mating mark. Wei Ying fought weakly, but he would never turn away from his alpha.
Lan Zhan held him until he stopped resisting - until his body fell limp in his arms - before trying to speak again.
“Wei Ying,” his voice fumbled deep in his chest. He rarely used his alpha voice, because Wei Ying was so perfect at doing as he’s told - while his mate was mischievous and liked to break the rules, he knew when to be serious and in those times he was absolutely perfect for his alpha. “Wei Ying, look at me.”
Even if he was able to disregard a direct order from his alpha, Wei Ying wouldn’t want to. He sat back slightly, just enough to see his mate’s face. He knew his own was a mess, and he wondered what Lan Zhan even saw in him. Mo Xuanyu was beautiful, no room for arguments - with his large grey eyes and delicate features and soft, straight hair, he was something out of a dream - but he was not Wei Ying. No matter how much Wei Ying tried to convince himself that the person looking back at him in the mirror was in fact himself, it almost always felt like he was a stranger in his own skin, and soon enough he would be evicted for being WRONG.
“Wei Ying, I love you,” Lan Zhan caressed his cheek carefully, wiping a stray tear away. “No matter who you were, what you looked like, what your instincts say... I’d love you no matter what. Omega, beta, even if you were another alpha. Man or woman, Wei Ying is Wei Ying and nothing can change how I feel about you.”
“B-but what kind of useless mate can’t even do something as simple as take my alpha’s knot? Our souls might be made for each other, but this body isn’t right. I’m not right.” He wanted to bury his face again but he couldn’t drag his eyes away from the shining gold staring back at him.
“Should never have forced Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan’s voice wavered dangerously. “I knew your limits and I lost control. I hurt you because I wasn’t able to focus.”
“No! It-it’s okay!” Wei Ying frantically cupped his mate’s face, horrified to see tears clinging to Lan Zhan’s eyelashes. “I’m fine! I promise!”
“I made you bleed,” his words were barely a whisper. Wei Ying looked down and paled at how stark the red pools looked on the once spotless sheets. He hadn’t even realized he was bleeding, but now all he could feel was the congealing mess between his thighs. “I promised to protect you, yet I’m the one causing you pain.”
“Please don’t say that,” Wei Ying wouldn’t be able to live with himself if Lan Zhan blamed himself for this. “I just want to be worthy of being your mate. If I can’t do something as simple as this, what am I even good for?”
“Wei Ying is good,” he pressed a kiss to the smaller man’s forehead. “You are brave, and smart, and kind. You are more worthy than anyone I know. I... sometimes, I feel as though I need to be more in order to be worthy of being your alpha.”
“You’re more than worthy! You’re too good for me! Everyone knows it,” Wei Ying couldn’t stop the thoughts that had been plaguing him since they began courting from spilling out. “I... I hear what they say, when they don't think anyone is around. They all agree that I am unworthy of being your mate - that I am nothing more than a parasite on the flawless Hanguang-Jun. I can’t do anything for you... I can’t even mate properly...” fat tears rolled down his face once more, much to the horror of Lan Zhan. “I’m useless to you as your mate... I’m a useless omega. I can’t do anything right.”
“Do not say that,” Lan Zhan ordered. He felt Wei Ying tense in his arms. A mated omega could not disobey a direct order from their alpha, just as a mated alpha cannot deny their omega a genuine request. “Wei Ying is perfect. I do not care what others say. You are perfect for me and I will love you until the end of time. You could say you never wanted to sleep with me again and I would agree. You could say you never wanted to see me again, and I would obey, because you are my precious mate. I would do anything for you.”
“I’m sorry I can’t be better,” Wei Ying whimpered. He was already emotional from the panic and anxiety coursing through his veins but hearing such an honest confession from Lan Zhan made it hard to organize his thoughts. “I thought I could do it tonight. I really did... just a little more and I could have taken your knot the right way.”
“I do not want to hurt Wei Ying. You don’t need to take my knot to be a good mate. You make me happy exactly how you are. You make my life so much brighter... I do not know what I would do without you.”
“I’m sorry,” Wei Ying could feel his eyes slipping shut. He rarely cried, but when he did it wore him out - both physically and emotionally - so much that he couldn’t help but crash hard. “Your rut ended with me making you upset... I’m sorry...”
While having his rut be ended by panic and fear rather than releasing into his mate’s warm body made Lan Zhan a little disoriented - as one would feel waking from a particularly realistic nightmare and not knowing where you were - he could never bring himself to blame his Wei Ying for any of it.
“Not your fault,” he promised, kissing the corner of Wei Ying’s mouth. “Are you tired?”
“Mm...” he wanted to fight. His mind screamed at him to make Lan Zhan see sense - to make his alpha see how worthless he is and to stop Lan Zhan from being so damn nice to someone who didn’t deserve it - but he was so, so tired.
“Lay on your stomach,” Lan Zhan ordered gently. He carefully cleaned his mate, sending bursts of spiritual energy to heal the rips and to ease the inevitable ache. Once he was done, he helped Wei Ying shrug on a robe before donning his own sleep robes. “Can you stand for a moment?”
“Yes...” Wei Ying did as he was asked, standing next to the bed with slightly hunched shoulders as Lan Zhan stripped the bed of its soiled sheets. He placed a clean blanket down, knowing he didn’t have the time to fully redress the bed in that moment.
“Go to sleep,” he whispered as Wei Ying crawled onto the bed, wedged between the bottom blanket and the one on top. Lan Zhan tucked a piece of hair behind his mate’s ear. “I’m going to dispose of these sheets and I will join you. Tomorrow we will take a day of rest. I will inform Brother that we are not to be disturbed.”
Lan Zhan could tell Wei Ying wanted to argue, but the exhaustion quickly overtook him. Lan Zhan watched as Wei Ying’s breathing evened out before standing and gathering the sheets in his arms. He knew they were beyond saving, and even if he could get the stains out he wouldn’t be able to place them on his bed without being reminded of how badly he had hurt his omega.
His chest tightened more and more as he went to the rabbit fields. Making sure to keep a safe distance from the animals, he bit his thumb and drew the fire talisman that Wei Ying had invented to burn even the wettest of kindling. The sheets instantly burst into flames, the heat licking at Lan Zhan’s face as it began to eat away at the evidence of his sins.
After only a few minutes the flames began to fade, until there was nothing but a pile of hot ashes where the sheets once were. Lan Zhan, against his better judgement, kicked the pile of ashes. They stained his shoe and the hem of his robes as it burst into the air, but the action somehow made him feel slightly better.
Lan Zhan looked back the way he came, where Wei Ying was sleeping peacefully in their bed, waiting for him to return, before turning and going in the opposite direction.
His brother’s quarters were hidden away from prying eyes just as his own were, but Zewu-Jun’s rooms were silent as death while Lan Zhan’s were livelier than anywhere else in Cloud Recesses. He approached his brothers home and gently knocked on the door with his knuckle. He heard faint rustling from inside, and moments later his brother’s face appeared as the door slid open.
Lan Xichen hadn’t been seen in public since his brother’s mating feast. He had gone into seclusion after the death of Jin Guangyao and had returned as soon as he could after congratulating his brother and brother in law. He looked well enough, if not a little thinner than before.
“Wangji?” His voice sounded disused. “It is late. Did something happen?”
He knew something had happened, of course. Why else would his younger brother be disturbing his seclusion as such a late hour, with such a distressed look on his face?
“Brother... I come seeking punishment,” he said solemnly. Lan Xichen’s eyes widened. The last time Lan Zhan had been punished was almost sixteen years prior, where he was left half dead with the flesh of his back hanging off his body in ribbons. “I... I did something unforgivable to Wei Ying. I cannot allow myself to be forgiven without punishment.”
“Come in and sit,” Xichen knew it had to be something gravely serious for his brother to request being punished for something he did to his mate. Anyone with eyes could see how Hanguang-Jun would do anything for his omega. “Tell your brother what happened.”
“I hurt him,” Lan Zhan said after a moment. He was glad he was kneeling, because otherwise his legs might have given out. “I was... not myself because of my rut and I... I pushed him past what he was capable of. I caused him to bleed because of my recklessness... I also allowed him to believe he was not fit to be my mate, which I also request to be punished for.”
“Why do you believe you need to be punished for those things?” Xichen could see the grief and guilt in his brother’s eyes as clearly as the day Lan Zhan had been told Wei Ying had died, or the day he had brought sick little A-Yuan to Gusu. It made his stomach sour - after everything he had been through, his brother had finally been happy! But now he was grieving all over again.
“I promised to protect Wei Ying from harm, yet I was the one to harm him. I was selfish with my wants and it resulted in my mate being injured badly. I allowed my omega to believe he was not worthy to be with me. I did not do enough as his alpha to reassure him.” He gripped his robes tightly, almost wishing he could just dig his claws into his thighs to punish himself. Unfortunately he kept his claws trimmed short because it was too inconvenient with the different jobs that came with being Chief Cultivator.
“Wangji, I know how deeply you care for Wuxian. I believe anyone who’s ever laid eyes on you knows how strong your connection is. The mere fact that you are asking for punishment seems to me that you are already punishing yourself quite a bit.” Lan Xichen knew his brother better than anyone else. Sometimes it seemed he knew Wangji better than he knew himself, so he was easily able to pick apart exactly what his brother was doing.
“I deserve more punishment than just that,” Wangji said softly, looking at his lap. Even though he was an adult, well into his thirties, he still managed to look so young, and so very lost. “What I did was unforgivable.”
“Shouldn’t it be up to Wuxian to forgive you or not?”
“He would never blame me.”
“Because he knows it isn’t your fault,” Xichen pushes gently, trying to get his brother to see his point. “You are blaming yourself for something out of your control. Wuxian knows how much you care for him, and he knows you would never hurt him on purpose. I do believe, however, you should sit him down and remind him of your feelings verbally. I know words aren’t your strongest suit, but I have a feeling he is the type of person that needs reassurance.”
“Mm, I planned on doing that tomorrow,” he nodded stiffly. “We are taking a day to rest. I would like to request we not be disturbed other than for meals or emergencies.”
“On one condition,” Lan Xichen said, causing his brother’s eyes to widen. “You may have your rest day, as long as you do not seek out any punishment for this evening’s transgressions. Nothing physical, no lines, no meditation, no restricting your food intake. You are not to be punished for this, and if I hear you sought punishment anyway I will make sure there is no end of annoyances for you to take care of.”
“Brother-“
“That’s my final word Wangji,” Lan Xichen smiled the first real smile since the mating feast. It felt almost out of place on his face, but teasing his brother seemed natural. “Go back to your mate. Comfort him. I’m sure he’s in need of some kind words.”
“Mm...” Lan Zhan stood and bowed before taking his leave. He wandered back to the jingshi, his mind a storm of thoughts and fears and concerns.
He couldn’t understand how he let himself lose control. He and Wei Ying had shared several ruts and heats since their mating, and he never once made Wei Ying bleed in a way he didn’t want to. He knew Wei Ying would be in pain if he tried to force his knot in and yet he did it anyway. He made his omega bleed because he couldn’t control himself, and that’s something he would never be able to forgive himself for.
He sipped into the room, his eyes immediately going towards the bed. Wei Ying was sleeping peacefully, the light of the moon illuminating his relaxed features. Lan Zhan took off his outer robes and shoes before slipping under the blanket. The bed was warm from Wei Ying’s body, his scent coating Lan Zhan in a comforting wave that made the tension lining his body lift slightly.
“I love you,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to Wei Ying’s forehead. “And I’m sorry.”
Wei Ying didn’t stir. Lan Zhan pulled his mate into his chest, letting their heartbeats fall into sync once more. He drifted off into a restless sleep, dreaming of Wei Ying running and not looking back.
“Lan Zhan, are you still asleep?” Wei Ying’s voice brought him back to consciousness. He could feel fingers carding through his hair.
“I am awake.” He said, his voice deep from sleep. He sat up, smiling as Wei Ying pressed a kiss to his cheek.
“I don’t think I’ve ever woken before you,” the smaller man chuckled as he curled into his husband’s lap. “You must have been very tired.”
“Mm, love you.” Lan Zhan hummed, coaxing sleepy, warm kisses from his mate. He loved every type of kiss from Wei Ying - rough, soft, deep, chaste, on the forehead, the nose, his thighs, his ass - but his favorite overall was the warm, sleepy kisses they shared when they first woke up.
“Lan Zhan... about last night...”
“I love you more than anything,” Lan Zhan held his mate as close as he could. “No matter what happens. You never have to force yourself to do anything to gain my affections because you already have all of my affections. Nothing could change that.”
“But-“
“Nothing can change how much I love you.”
“I just want to give you what you deserve,” Wei Ying muttered. “I feel so inadequate.”
“You’re perfect,” Lan Zhan peppered kisses along the smaller man’s jaw and throat. “You couldn’t be inadequate even if you tried.”
“Tell me what I can do,” Wei Ying’s words tickled Lan Zhan’s ear. “Tell me what I can do to be worthy of you.”
“Love yourself the way I love you,” Lan Zhan said instantly. “See yourself the way I do.”
“I...”
“Wei Ying, I had an idea that might make you feel more comfortable in this body,” Lan Zhan trailed just fingers down Wei Ying’s back. “I know you feel... out of place, but you deserve to feel comfortable with yourself.”
“What’s your idea?”
“You are still not used to being an omega, and since you were a beta before you are forcing yourself to conform to what our society says an omega must be. I thought maybe, I’d you took me, you might feel more like yourself. You don’t have to push yourself to be something you aren’t. All you have to be is yourself.”
“Lan Zhan...” Wei Ying stared up at him with wide, wonder filled eyes. “You- you’d be willing to- to let me- but- but you’re the alpha! It’s not right for me to-“
“It does not matter what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. All that matters is that you are confident and happy with who you are.”
“But your Uncle-“
“Can learn to live with whatever you choose. It does not concern him how you choose to live your life. There are pointless rules placed on us - useless guidelines for alphas and omegas and betas that we are expected to follow, with punishment for disobeying being social isolation. We become outcasts for not following suit, but we do not have to follow these rules. We can live how we wish to live.”
“I think...” Wei Ying curled into Lan Zhan’s chest, relaxing into his mate’s warmth. “I think I’d like to try. I don’t know if it’ll actually help, but it might. Plus, I can’t lie and say I’ve never thought about taking you as you do me.”
“Mm, whenever Wei Ying wishes,” Lan Zhan smiles warmly. “I will do anything in my power to help you feel at home in your body. You deserve to be happy.”
“Thank you,” Wei Ying whispered before Lan Zhan could tell him not to thank him. “I’m sorry for worrying you last night.”
“And I am sorry for allowing you to be hurt,” the realization still made his heart heavy. The sight of the blood on the sheets would forever be another regret branded into his soul. “All I’ve ever wanted to do is protect you.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. I... I should have spoken up. I just didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”
“Could never be disappointed in Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan kissed the corner of his mate’s mouth gently. “I am the one who does not wish to disappoint you.”
“Lan Zhan, you’re flawless!” This drew a laugh from the smaller man. “You could never disappoint anyone!”
“Mm, neither could Wei Ying.”
“You’re so cheesy.” Wei Ying’s cheeks burned.
“Are you hungry?”
“Mm!”
“I will bring us breakfast,” Lan Zhan smiled warmly. “We have all day together, no interruptions.”
“A dream come true~” Wei Ying rolled off of his mate’s lap and stretched out on the bed, cracking his back faintly. “Maybe we can go back to sleep for a while... napping in the sun is my favorite.”
“Mm, anything you wish.”
Lan Zhan smiled down at his omega - his precious Wei Ying - and felt his heart skip a beat. The man on the bed was flawless in every way, and he was the one lucky enough to call himself Wei Ying’s alpha.
He knew this wasn’t the end of this. One conversation wouldn’t be enough to erase all of Wei Ying’s anxiety. It would take time, and tears, and love to help Wei Ying overcome his insecurities and finally accept his mate’s affections fully. They would hit bumps, and have to figure out ways to work around those roadblocks, but Lan Zhan was confident that as long as they had each other, it would be okay in the end.
After all, they were soulmates.