Chapter Text
By the time Ellie reached her destination, the sun had set. Her feet ached from the walk and she had grown numb to the cold, early spring breeze.
She was numb to a lot of things.
Ellie walked into the clearing in front of the town’s main gates with her hands up, expecting to be met with lots of guns pointed directly at her. She was right, and stopped in her tracks when she heard the click of half a dozen rifles.
“It’s me,” she called out to whoever could hear her. “It’s Ellie.”
The hushed whispers of everyone on guard tonight was deafening. Ellie held her breath, wondering if they would let her in or turn her away. She wouldn’t blame them if she was turned away.
“The hell are you waiting for? Open the gate!”
Relief washed over Ellie at the familiar voice. Finally, she heard the loud, rusted creak as the main gates were opened. She took a tentative step forward. Maria was waiting on the other side as soon as she stepped inside. The doors closed behind her with a thud.
Ellie stood, frozen for a moment. It was surreal to be back after all this time.
“Come here, hon,” Maria said. She stepped forward and put an arm around Ellie, ushering her into town. “What the hell happened to you?”
Ellie laughed, a rough sound that she hadn’t made in a while, as relief washed over her at Maria’s welcome. “It’s a long story,” she muttered.
“Let’s get you back to my place,” Maria said. “I’ll draw a bath, make some tea. Then we can talk.”
Every eye was on Ellie as they walked through town, but Ellie didn’t care. They could stare and gossip all they wanted. She wasn’t sure if she still had a home in Jackson, but maybe she hadn’t irreparably damaged every relationship in her life. For now, that was enough.
The walk to Maria’s house was familiar enough. Ellie recognized the sights as they crossed through town. The stables, the playground (she spared an extra glance there to try and find a familiar face to no avail), various shops and places to eat, the library… As much as she wanted to relax now that she was back, she couldn’t. Ellie felt like she was watching herself walk through town, like she wasn’t actually there. Her limbs were moving on their own as she blindly followed Maria until they reached her front door.
Maria held open the door, letting Ellie step inside first.
“Have a seat, kid,” she muttered. “I’ll be back.
Ellie let herself be led into the living room. She took off her backpack and dropped it. One of her guns clattered as it hit the floor, skittering across the ground. She sat on the couch and glanced around the room.
It looked different than the last time she was here. A few photographs had been taken down and replaced with something new. It was neater, more clean. All of Tommy’s shit was gone.
There was one picture that remained: a framed photograph of Maria, Tommy, Joel, and Ellie on the coffee table. It was an old picture, from a few weeks after she and Joel had arrived in Jackson, and Joel had insisted on taking a “family photo”. Ellie was reluctantly dragged into the picture, but there was a smile on her face.
Ellie reached out and grabbed the framed photo, holding it in her hands, staring at it for a moment.
She wasn’t sure how long she sat there before Maria came downstairs.
“Bath is ready,” she said, handing Ellie a towel. “Get yourself cleaned up.”
Ellie nodded. “Thanks,” she muttered. Her mouth was dry and her voice came out a hoarse whisper.
Upstairs, the bath water was steaming. Ellie slowly stripped out of her clothes and stepped into the tub and the heat scalded her skin, but Ellie felt numb to the heat. She had experienced far worse pain in her life. Water that’s a little too hot was nothing.
The empty space where her fingers used to be throbbed in a phantom pain. Ellie instinctively reached out to hold her fingers, but was met with only empty space and cauterized wounds. She sighed and sat down in the tub. She grabbed a washcloth and some soap and began to scrub the dirt from her body.
Some time later, there was a knock at the door. The sound startled Ellie, after the silence she felt in the bath. Her mind went blank for a moment, and briefly flashed to the thud of a golf club hitting skull, blood pouring onto the ground, his empty eyes… She took a deep breath as she felt her heart rate begin to escalate, trying to remember how Dina used to calm her down from her triggers.
After a few moments of silence, there was another knock. This time, Ellie didn’t flashback to that day.
She cleared her throat. “What’s up?”
The door opened a crack. “Brought you some clean clothes,” Maria said. She slid a small pile into the bathroom. Ellie recognized the shirt on top as a flannel that she had left in Jackson a long time ago and forgotten about. Maria must have held onto some of her clothes, just in case.
Once the dirt had been scrubbed from her skin and the water had gone tepid, she stepped out of the tub. Ellie dried herself, slowly dressed, then walked back downstairs to find Maria sitting at the dining table with, as promised, a steaming mug of tea waiting for her.
Ellie sat down and took a sip of tea. Chamomile, with a bit of honey. It warmed her insides and calmed her nerves. Maria didn’t say anything. She just sat and waited, until Ellie was ready to speak. Ellie appreciated that. She wasn’t even sure where to begin.
“I didn’t kill her.”
Maria’s face didn’t change. She just nodded as she listened. When Ellie didn’t continue, she asked, “Why?”
“It’s not what he—what Joel would have wanted,” Ellie sighed. “It’s not what I wanted.”
“So you’re back?”
Ellie nodded. “I’m back,” she said. “For good.”
Finally, Maria cracked a small smile. She reached across the table and placed her hand on top of Ellie’s right hand and gave a gentle squeeze. “I’m glad to hear that,” she said. “Why don’t you stop by the doctor, get that checked out.” She gave a pointed look to the missing fingers on Elle’s left hand, the ugly, cauterized scarring on her finger stumps. “I’ll get your old place ready.”
“I have to tell Tommy. He—“
“Let me deal with Tommy,” Maria sighed. The annoyance in her voice was apparent, but she probably knew she was the only one who could talk some sense into him. “He ain’t gonna be happy, but you can talk to him after he has time to process the news.”
“Thank you, Maria.”
Ellie was grateful for the brief distraction at the doctor’s office. She answered questions about all the various injuries that littered her body, said when something hurt, flexed her hand to show what movement was left in her fingers. The doctor removed Ellie’s hastily done stitches in her side, and though it had healed, her messy field job meant that was another scar that probably wouldn’t fade. The doctor scheduled a follow-up appointment for next week.
Ellie took the long way back to her place, avoiding town square and other crowded areas. She could deal with people tomorrow. For now, she just wanted to rest.
Ellie took a path through one of the neighborhoods. She shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans, hiding her maimed hand, feeling suddenly nervous again under the curious glances of families outside. She didn’t even realize she was walking down the street where Jesse’s parents lived until she heard the sound of a baby’s familiar laugh.
Ellie stopped in her tracks and glanced to her left where Jesse’s parents lived. Dina sat on the swinging chair on the porch with Robin. They watched as JJ sat on a blanket on the floor, Ollie clutched in his hands. Ellie’s heart clenched. When a large beetle flew by, he dropped the toy and stood to his feet. He took a few unsteady steps, then took off after the bug faster than Ellie had ever seen him move before.
He’s walking now.
She missed his first steps.
He was so big, growing so fast. Ellie felt a lump in her throat as tears burned at her eyes.
Dina leapt up from her seat and scooped JJ into her arms before he could walk too far. As she held him and walked back across the porch, she glanced into the street and met eyes with Ellie, standing frozen, watching them.
Ellie couldn’t breathe.
When Dina realized it was Ellie standing there, her face twisted into something unrecognizable. Was it relief, surprise, disdain? A combination of the three?
Ellie hadn’t wanted to see her. Not now. Not yet. Just seeing the look on Dina’s face hurt too much. Ellie had hurt her family. She would only have herself to blame if Dina never spoke to her again.
And then, after a tense moment, Dina nodded. It wasn’t a smile or a wave or any sort of pleasantry. Just a nod.
What the hell did that even mean?
Instead of pondering the question for longer, Ellie fought back the tears that threatened to spill, clenched her fists, and walked away.
Ellie’s room was mostly barren. All her belongings had been moved to the farm, and she had left everything behind there. Maria had gotten fresh sheets and pillows, some new clothes in her size, and a box of some basic food and supplies to get started. She’d have to work again eventually, fill her apartment, get more things, but this was enough for the night.
As Ellie sat on her bed, she spotted something under the dresser, long-forgotten and out of sight. She crawled onto the floor and reached under for it, pulling out a Polaroid photo of her, Dina, and Jesse. She played with the worn edges for a moment, before she sighed and set it face down on her bedside table. She stripped out of her clothes and climbed into bed, pulled the blankets over her, and hugged a pillow to her chest.
The soft mattress was uncomfortable, almost alien. Ellie had been sleeping on floors, couches, or whatever surface she could find for months.
She closed her eyes, buried her face in the pillow, and replayed the sound of JJ’s bright laughter on a loop in her head.
“I miss you, Potato,” she muttered, before eventually drifting off to sleep.
“We can cross over here!”
Ellie pushed through the trees and found, at the bank of the roaring river, a huge structure made of various bits of wood all piled together that stretched across the length of the stream. It was a little more narrow here than she had seen in other places, the waters were a little more calm, and the dam could work as a makeshift bridge to help get them across. They would just have to bring Shimmer behind them, just in case she was too heavy and it broke.
Speaking of, the horse snorted as she emerged from between a few trees, Dina sitting atop her back as she scanned the area.
“You cross first,” Dina said. “I’ll take Shimmer.”
“No, I’ll take Shimmer.”
“Ellie, I know she’s your horse, but I’m a stronger swimmer and better with animals.”
Ellie tried to pout, but Dina had made up her mind. “Fine,” she grumbled. She carefully climbed atop the wooden pile, but as soon as she stepped into it, her foot slipped on a wet piece of wood. She was able to catch herself and get back on her feet quickly. She subtly glanced over her shoulder, hoping that Dina hadn’t noticed.
“Damn, girl,” Dina quipped. “Looking good.” After a brief pause, she added. “Get it? Because it’s a dam.”
“You’re hilarious,” Ellie said, sarcastic.
“Oh come on, I’m fucking funny and you know it.”
“Just keep telling yourself that, babe.”
The rest of Ellie’s trek across the dam was less treacherous and she eventually stepped onto the opposite bank, unscathed. She turned around and called across the water to Dina.
“Okay, I’m clear! Come across!”
Dina hopped off Shimmer’s back and led her up to the bank. Dina stepped onto the dam and the horse followed after her. There was a quiet creak and the pair hesitated, but when they realized the wooden structure would support her weight, they edged forward. Ellie watched them from the other side of the river as they made their way across the makeshift bridge.
When they were almost to the other side, Shimmer stepped forward and her hoof broke through the wood, splintering the branches attempting to hold her up with a sickening crack.
Ellie stumbled backwards as her mind flashed back to the crack of bones under the force of a golf club. She was on the floor again, watching as Joel’s skull was bashed in and the life left his eyes.
“JOEL!” Ellie cried out. “NO! JOEL!”
The next thing she knew, there was an arm around her. She opened her eyes and Dina was on the ground next to her, cradling her.
“You’re okay,” Dina whispered. “It’s just me. She’s not here.”
Ellie couldn’t catch her breath. She was on all fours, looking down at the dirt beneath her, hyperventilating, while Dina held Ellie and rubbed her back gently, soothing her until she could breathe again and found herself back in the moment, in a forest somewhere in Idaho.
Ellie sat back, leaning against a tree, and closed her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she muttered.
“Don’t apologize,” Dina said. She sat next to Ellie and placed a hand on the small of her back, rubbing in gentle circles. Ellie felt her breath begin to steady as she focused on Dina’s caring touch. “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish there was more I could do for you.”
Ellie glanced over at her, and while she saw the glint of fear in Dina’s eyes, she also saw a look of adoration that made her feel so loved. “You’re already doing more than I would ask for,” Ellie murmured. “Thanks.”
Dina gave her a small smile, then glanced up, peeking at the sky through the canopy of trees. “It’s getting dark,” she muttered. “We should find a place to make camp for the night, and you can rest a little more.” She stood to her feet and offered a hand to Ellie.
“Okay,” Ellie said, and took Dina’s hand.
They found an old park ranger’s station to hole up in for the night. It was small and enclosed with only one way in and out, so it would be easy enough to barricade the door. While Ellie set up camp and got a fire started, Dina went out hunting.
A couple hours later, Ellie sat by the crackling fire, warming her hands by the flames, when Dina returned with a beaver’s carcass in tow, already skinned, gutted and prepped to cook. Ellie skewered the body through a stick and propped it up over the fire, letting it sit and cook.
Dina took off her backpack, her coat, her guns, and sat down across from Ellie in front of the fire. Ellie watched her. They hadn’t spoken much since Ellie had freaked out earlier.
Ellie was embarrassed. She knew she had her traumas, she knew sometimes her worst memories would creep up into her brain and linger there, but Dina had never seen her panic like this before. Ellie didn’t want Dina to see her like this. She pulled her legs up to her chest and stared blankly at the flames as they danced in the darkness.
“Are you okay?” Dina asked. Her voice was small, helpless.
Ellie felt terrible. Dina wasn’t supposed to be taking care of her. She should be able to take care of herself. She nodded, and silence fell between them. Dina didn’t want to press anymore and make Ellie uncomfortable, and Ellie didn’t know what to say anyway.
Eventually Ellie cleared her throat and spoke up, asking the question that had been on her mind all day. “Why did you come with me?”
Dina frowned. “You go, I go. Remember?”
“I know you said that,” Ellie sighed. “But what does that mean?”
Dina was quiet for a moment. She stood to her feet, stepped closer, and sat down next to Ellie. She reached out for Ellie, intertwining their fingers, grasping her hand tight. “You’re my best friend,” she whispered. “And you’re also… so much more than that. I don’t want to be anywhere you’re not, and if I can do anything to make sure you finish this in one piece, I’ll do it. You’re my home.”
Ellie wasn’t sure what she had expected to hear, but Dina’s words gave her hope. Hope that she was on the right path, hope that even with everything going on, she still had Dina.
For the longest time, Ellie believed her feelings for her best friend were one-sided. Even after their kiss, she had no idea what was going on in Dina’s head. But now Dina was telling her, plain and simple, how much she cared.
“I love you,” Ellie said quickly.
Her cheeks flushed and her heart raced as she waited for Dina to say something. She hadn’t meant to say it, but the words just slipped out. Time seemed to stand still for a moment. Ellie couldn’t tear her eyes away from Dina’s, trying to read her expression.
“Oh, Ellie,” Dina whispered, a small smile on her lips, “I think I’ve been in love with you for a while now.”
And Dina leaned in, closing the small distance between the two of them, and kissed Ellie softly.
Ellie sat at her desk, chewing on the end of her pen. She scratched out a few words on the piece of paper in front of her, started writing something new, then frowned. She picked up the paper, read over her words, then crumpled the sheet into a small ball with a huff and tossed it into the garbage can. There were four other crumpled up papers inside the bin. She grabbed a new sheet of paper and tried to start fresh when there was a knock at her door.
With a sigh, Ellie stood to her feet and crossed the room. She unlocked the door and opened it a crack to find Tommy standing there.
“What do you want?” Ellie asked.
Tommy sighed. “I just wanna talk.”
Ellie studied him for a moment, searching for any anger or resentment on his face, but she found none. She opened the door a little wider and Tommy stepped inside. She gestured for him to sit on the couch, then dragged her desk chair across from him, sat down, and waited.
“Maria told me what happened,” Tommy said.
“And?”
“I-I will admit I was angry, at first,” he confessed. “That’s why I hadn’t come to see you yet. She told me not to.”
Ellie nodded. She had been back in town almost a week and was surprised that Tommy hadn’t made his presence known earlier.
“I’m sorry,” Tommy said, finally.
Ellie frowned, confused. “What are you sorry for?”
“I know it’s my fault you went to Santa Barbara. It’s my fault Dina and JJ came back to town. I know you three had something good. I’m sorry I ruined that.”
Ellie shook her head. “No, Tommy, it’s not your fault.”
“It ain’t?”
“No, I— yeah I was happy, but I couldn’t let myself appreciate it,” Ellie explained. “I couldn’t live with it. Every time I went out hunting. Every time the barn door slammed shut a little too loud. Every time a group of infected passed by a little too close that we could hear them in the distance. It always brought me back to Seattle. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat. I couldn’t even trust myself alone with JJ anymore. I think I was always going to try and find her, whether you came with that map or not. Staying might have killed me.”
Tommy nodded. He was quiet for a moment, thinking. Then, “Why didn’t you kill her?”
Ellie shrugged. “I thought it was what I needed. Closure, vengeance, justice. She took so much from me…” she sighed. “I almost did it. I had her and I almost killed her. And somehow, I thought of Joel, and what he would think if he saw me right then. I was so consumed with rage that I didn’t even recognize myself. I didn’t want to keep going down that path. Violence for violence, an eye for an eye. When was it gonna stop?” Ellie looked down at her hands, traced the edge of her missing fingers. “So I stopped it. I realized what I really needed was to let go.”
They were quiet for a moment. The only noise that filled the room was the record Ellie had playing softly in the background.
Tommy cleared his throat. “I think… I think Joel would’ve been mighty proud of you.”
Ellie’s lips twitched. “I hope so.”
When Tommy left, Ellie finished her letter.
The next day, she paced outside Dina’s house for ten minutes before finally getting the courage to place it inside her mailbox.
Dina,
I’m back in Jackson.
I’ll be at our old spot, Saturday night at 23:00 if you want to talk and can spare a few minutes of your time. You don’t owe me anything. You don’t have to listen to me or ever see me again if you don’t want to. I won’t blame you if that’s the case. I understand.
I’ll be there, and if you don’t show up I’ll stay away for good. I promise.
E
The early spring air was warm, and there wasn’t a cloud in the night sky. The stars were scattered above as Ellie laid on her back, sprawled out on the rooftop, hands behind her head, gazing up at them. Ellie had always been fond of the vastness of space. Even if she gave up her dream of being an astronaut long ago, the longing in her heart as she looked up at the stars never faded.
She checked her watch. 23:15.
Dina wasn’t coming.
She had expected this outcome, of course, but as much as she tried to not get her hopes up, it was impossible. It was Dina. She was always going to hold onto any sliver of hope there was when it came to Dina.
Just as Ellie was about to get up and head home, she heard a creak from over the edge of the roof. She sat up. A moment later, a figure appeared, clambering over the edge. She stood up and Ellie gasped.
Dina.
“Sorry I’m late,” Dina muttered. “JJ woke up and did not want to go back to sleep.”
Ellie stared at her for a moment, gaping. “How—how is he?”
“He’s good,” Dina said. She kept her distance and crossed her arms, looking at the ground. “I’m glad he’s close to his grandparents now. They can’t get enough of him, and they’ve been really helpful.”
She tentatively stepped toward Ellie and sat down cross-legged on the roof, a few feet away from her, facing the same direction. The both looked out into the distance, the soft glow of lights from the town that faded into forest, then disappeared into the black of night.
Ellie glanced over at Dina, watching as she tilted her head and gave a grim smile. She studied the shape of her eyes, the curve of her lips, the slope of her nose, the pattern of freckles, hoping for something to remember when she was drawing later, even if her drawings never did her beauty justice.
”The library roof, huh?” Dina mused. “Still just as beautiful up here.”
Ellie nodded. “Yeah.”
“Remember when we were sixteen and Jesse stole his dad’s bourbon and we all drank it up here together?”
Ellie pursed her lips, wanting to smile fondly at the memory. “That was a good day.”
The pair fell quiet. All they could hear was the hum of streetlights, the gentle wind, the chirp of crickets. Ellie grew self-conscious of the sound of her own breath.
It felt like an eternity of silence until finally, Dina sighed.
“You really hurt me, Ellie,” she muttered. Her voice shook as she spoke. A single tear streaked down her cheek. “You were my best friend. My partner. We moved out to the country to be a family and you—you just left. For what? Vengeance? Are you happy now that you got it? Was it worth it?”
Ellie stayed quiet. Dina was angry, frustrated. She deserved to say her piece. When she was finished, Ellie looked down at her hands in front of her.
“I didn’t kill her, Dina,” Ellie mumbled.
“What?”
“She took… so much from me,” Ellie sighed. “I wanted to hate her. I wanted justice. I didn’t realize I had lost myself along the way until it was almost too late.”
“What do you mean?” Dina asked. She looked confused, sad.
“It means… I’m sorry,” Ellie said. “I’m not sorry I left. I think I needed to find her to be able to let her go. Maybe now I can move forward. But I’m sorry I put you and JJ through that. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me to be. I wanted to get better so I could be there for you, but I might have just lost you in the process. I know there’s nothing I can do to make it up to you, but… I’m sorry.”
Dina said nothing. She stood up and walked back to the edge of the roof. Ellie could hear the way her breath shook and knew she was holding back tears. Before she jumped down, she turned back, not fully facing Ellie, but enough to say one more thing.
“I’m glad you made it back in one piece.”
Dina jumped off the roof and the sound of her footsteps faded away into the night, leaving Ellie alone.
Ellie laid back and looked up at the stars.