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“Hey, Ahsoka?” Ezra asked through the door to her room. “Do you think you could come out here? Everyone is in the living room.”
“Alright, thanks Ezra,” she replied, and followed him into the room. He was right, every one was there, looking solemn and apprehensive, Hera’s brows were knit and Zeb’s leg was bouncing and Kanan’s head was fixed on the floor. Ahsoka gently lowered herself into the seat across from Hera.
“We wanted to ask you,” Hera started, but Kanan, face now visible, interrupted.
“Is it true Anakin Skywalker was your master?” The words left him in a breath, falling from his mouth before he could stop them.
Ahsoka froze.
“Yes,” she said sharply.
Hera took over, knowing this was a conversation best handled delicately. “Look, we, Kanan more than anyone, understand how hard this is. We don’t want to cause you pain.”
“I sense a but coming,” Ahsoka said pointedly.
Hera inclined her head in acquiescence, “but it’s not healthy to keep it bottled up and I can tell you haven’t opened up about it.”
“So this is what? An intervention?” Ahsoka snapped, looking around the group. Hera only sighed.
“Call it what you will, we just want to help.”
“And hear about The Hero With No Fear,” Ezra interjected, only half joking, breaking the somber mood. Ahsoka barked out a laugh at the title her master had hated so much.
She brought her knees to her chest as the dam broke, memories that surfaced only in the latest hours of the night were bubbling up and over the edge. “He hated that name, said it made him feel like a mascot for the war. I think it just rubbed him wrong because he was full of fear. Master Obi-Wan said that the first time he met Master Yoda he had gotten a lecture on fear. He feared loss. When he went on dangerous missions he tried to leave me behind, he panicked when he didn’t know where I was, and when anyone he cared about was in danger he did anything to keep them safe.”
“That goes against the code!” Kanan nearly shrieked. Ahsoka gave a bitter smile.
“He was a terrible Jedi. Amazing warrior, general, and friend, but the traits that made him so made him a really bad Jedi.”
Ezra was looking scandalized, never having learned Jedi philosophy beyond guardians of peace and justice. She and Kanan shared a look, and together in the most self righteous voices the could manage they said, “There is no emotion, there is peace; There is no ignorance, there is knowledge; There is no passion, there is serenity; There is no chaos, there is harmony; There is no death, there is the Force.”
“That’s terrible! No emotion? I hope you don’t expect that from me!” Ahsoka looked to Kanan, silently asking permission.
“You have more experience,” he said dully. She gave a quick nod.
“According to Jedi philosophy The Force manifests in two ways, the light and the dark. The light is harder to connect with, you have to focus more because you have to know exactly what you want. The dark is easier to grasp but harder to control, your emotions guide it, so if you can’t control your emotions you can’t control the force, it does what you want in the moment. It doesn’t let you think, it’s all animal impulse.” Ezra nodded in understanding. “The dark side is known for driving people insane, it’s easy to slip into madness with so much power. The Jedi teach discipline and self control. Or they should have. Really the taught us to bottle up our emotions. Control is the key. Being able to know when to use your emotions and when they’ll only cause harm. It’s hard, probably why the Jedi didn’t bother, but it’s healthier. If they had taught that they would still be alive.” Kanan and Ezra both listened withe rapped attention, neither ever having truly grasped these concepts. Hera, Sabine, and Zeb were just looking confused at most of it.
“So, while we’re explaining the force in detail. . .” Sabine trailed off, looking hopeful. “Mandolorians aren’t exactly fans so I never learned much.”
“The force is complicated. Hard to explain without feeling it.” Ahsoka said thoughtfully. “It’s like. . . the space between every atom, every particle. Everything that isn’t mass is. . . it’s infinite and intangible, everything and nothing. The space between is a good term. Part of everything. Those sensitive to it can feel everything. That’s the best I can give, sorry.”
“Wow. . . I never wanted to be force sensitive before but I sure do now,” said Sabine.
“It’s a burden, everything is amplified, every feeling, physical and emotional, is exponentially increased. Those who lose connection to the Force can’t feel anything for a while, their brains can’t comprehend the minute amount of information, and most never fully recover,” Ahsoka said darkly. “Like I said, the Force drives people insane, so we shield from it most of the time. Our brains can’t comprehend infinity, and that’s what the force is. Infinite.” The somber mood was back in full force now. Ahsoka shook herself. “But you wanted to know about Anakin! Ask me something.”
“Were you at the battle of Ryloth?” Hera asked immediately.
“My first command actually. Do you remember what happened in the space battle?”
“It was a trap, the Republic sustained heavy losses, but came back and flew a cruiser into the command ship,” Hera said laughing.
“My master’s plan. I screwed up, when they sprung the trap I didn’t retreat, lost almost my whole squad, the cruisers had to wait and they were badly damaged. I was fourteen.” Hera wasn’t laughing anymore. “Anakin decided ‘hey let’s evacuate the Redeemer, pretend to surrender, and crash it into the control ship, R2 and I can stay in an escape pod the whole battle and Snips can come up with the rest of the plan alone,’” Ahsoka said in her terrible Anakin voice, she hadn’t used it in over a decade but it came to her lips as naturally as it had when she was younger. “Most of the time he didn’t really grasp that I was a teenager, but he was only twenty-one himself. There are no kids in war zones.”
“Well, I for one would like to hear a happy story, got one of those?” Zeb asked.
“Oh yes. Hm. . . Ok, so Anakin and I accompanied Senator Amidala to a senate meeting about the war, I was sixteen and still subscribed to a very black and white way of thinking and it was all very confusing, all they talked about were credits and banks and such, when I asked Anakin and Padmé Anakin was like, ‘the separatists think the Republic is corrupt but their wrong and we have to restore order,’ and he looked so proud of himself for understanding, but because apparently being in a relationship with a senator wasn’t enough to make him any les hopeless at politics, Padmé was like ok I am not letting you teach Ahsoka anything about politics, and just swept off, took me to the separatist home world, and introduced me to a separatist senator, and showed me that the galaxy isn’t black and white.”
Most of the crew nodded, they were technically criminals, they knew the galaxy was drawn in shades of gray, but Kanan had stopped paying attention half way through the story. “I’m sorry, did you say he was in a relationship with Senator Amidala!?”
“You didn’t know?” Ahsoka asked, legitimately confused. “I thought the whole Temple knew! They weren’t exactly subtle, and Padawans gossip.”
“Yeah,” Sabine said, “I looked him up on some old forums, had to slice in cause, y’know, Jedi got deleted, but nothing on the holonet goes away. The fan girls, Force. I saw holo-vids to, Ahsoka’s right, not subtle.”
“You looked at the forums! Oh Force did you see The Skywalker Abs?” Ahsoka laughed.
“Yeah,” Sabine said, smirking. “Give me a sec,” she said pulling out a data pad. “I bookmarked a site, Jedi Archive—” Ahsoka was laughing so hard it hurt.
“L-look up CarnivorousSnips,” she said through her giggles. Sabine found it, smirked, and put the data pad down for everyone to see. The profile pic was an orange skinned Togruta with blue and white montrals. She wore a wide smile, carefully showing her sharp teeth.
“Is that you?” Ezra asked incredulously.
“Yup, I was fifteen, fighting a war, and posting pictures of my Masters abs, and accepting gifts of credits from the people who appreciated my photography. I ran his fan base and he never had a clue. Padmé figured it out in a week, but Anakin and Obi-Wan both assumed it was a clone.” She giggled, “For a while I posted new ones when he annoyed me, he always forgot he was mad at me when he was mad at the fan girls.”
“Ahsoka?” Ezra asked timidly. “Did this. . . help?”
Ahsoka burst into tears. “He was so good to me. Ezra, he was like my big brother. He taught me everything I know and I left him! I left him when I was the only constant in his life. The council didn’t trust him, he was mad at Obi-Wan, and he couldn’t see Padmé! If I had only stayed! I- they would all still be alive! I killed the Jedi!” She was screaming, curled in a ball, clutching her montrals.
“Ahsoka, one Jedi wouldn’t have changed anything. It’s not your fault, no one saw it coming,” Kanan said in a soothing voice. Ahsoka sobbed harder, wiped her eyes p, and gave a bitter laugh.
“You don’t get it.” She stared him straight in the eye. “I did see it coming. I knew, I had a vision, on a planet practically made from the Force. There were so many signs, but I buried my head in the sand he hated so much. He was always so angry. Quick to violence. When there was even a mention of slavers he went into instant kill mode. He was the strongest person in the galaxy, but I saw his human side and forgot to see him as anything but a man, forgot his power, his destiny. My master could never turn! Never mind that he’s emotional, arrogant, and dangerous! He saved my life to many times, put me above the greater good! He loved me!” Her voice dropped to a whisper, “and I loved him.” She took a breath and looked into the shocked faces around her. “Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. And it’s my fault. And even now I can’t hate him, I can’t even blame him. He’s been through more than probably anyone else in this galaxy and everything he did, he did from a place of love. The Force can do terrible things to a mind, and he has the strongest connection to it of any known being in the universe. I abandoned him without thinking of the consequences and the Jedi died for my mistakes.”
Kanan put a hand on her shoulders, hoping to ground her. “You left for good reason. Almost anyone would do the same in your shoes. I would have done worse. Made the only choice that made sense at the time. Staying in the temple, seeing those that betrayed you every single day? That would have led you down a dark path.” Ahsoka sobbed long into the night, but her friends were there to help her all the way.
Fin