Work Text:
It was hidden under a heavy pile of books on Even's desk. He had brought them with him from a room on the other side of the castle, an old deposit they had used right before their betrayal to make more space for the experiments.
The journal, with a deep blue cover and various scratches and wrinkles on its corners, must had been used so often in the past that it almost looked like an antique. Even knew it was familiar but he didn’t recall the owner until he began reading it, and what he clearly remembered being his little Ienzo's calligraphy appeared on the first lines.
"His diary?" he murmured. It was indeed the journal he gave him many years before, when Even decided the child needed to improve his writing and asked him to jot down everything he found interesting. After ignoring his request for a while, Ienzo eventually began using the journal daily, so that it was normal to see him sit somewhere writing on it.
Can I consider myself allowed to read it? he asked himself. He had always been curious to know what used to pass through Ienzo's mind, but out of fairness, and a bit of fear to be caught, he never dared have a look on his diary. However, eleven years had passed, and Ienzo was now an adult who had probably forgotten about that journal, or didn't care at all.
He was still thinking about it when he realised he was already reading.
The first pages were nothing more than general thoughts about the castle, the flowers in the outside gardens and the food he had just eaten. It took Even a while to reach something of interest. A lot of interest.
It was an entry dated about one year after they brought Ienzo with them at the castle, some time during summer.
I think I found a good place to hide. It's in one of the outside gardens, under a big staircase. It's not easy for me to reach it, but this also means that maybe he won't look for me there, at least not immediately.
I wish I didn't have to hide every time, but I have no choice. It's not that I hate the stuff I have to study, but it's just too much.
Even's eyes left the page for a moment. He inhaled deeply, wandering if whatever was going to read in a second would have broken something inside him.
I want to play sometimes, be like the other children. I can't remember my life before I came here, but I don't think it was that boring. At least, Master Ansem is kind to me. Sometimes he brings me outside for a walk and buys me an ice cream. It wasn't my favourite, but I think I started liking it.
Even is not like that.
He turned the page, the hand slightly shaking.
The only thing he wants is that I study, study, study. Yesterday he scolded me because I made some mistakes in my homework, he said that I should focus more instead of playing too much… he doesn't really notice that I almost never play…
Sometimes I hate him.
He closed the journal. He didn't want to read more, it was enough. Then he opened it again, a force inside his mind so strong that he could barely control his own hands.
Another entry, two days later.
Today I was saved by a guy I didn't know. I was in the square outside the castle and some strange creatures attacked me. I was not scared, I don't know why, but the guy helped me anyway. After that, Even came and scolded me again because I left the castle. He said they are trying to take care of me but it's a lie, he just makes me study.
Other pages, similar entries, always sad statements of a life the child had started hating.
Horrible, horrible nightmare!
She was on the floor, I was trying to help her but she didn't moved! She was dead, like I found her in the kitchen! Dead like the creatures in the lab! And I couldn't do anything again. I'm so useless… Nothing changed...
I woke up so sweat that I had to change my pajamas. It was past three, so I stayed in my room. Even is often awake doing his research and I didn't want to be scolded again.
I just want my mum again… I want to go home...
He didn't even close the journal. He laid on the back of the chair, his green eyes closed as to hide the truth away. Ten years he had spent not able to feel, and now that he had a heart again one of the first, deep emotions he was experiencing was a stone made of guilt and regret that violently crushed his chest.
Child… I would have never scolded you if you had a dream like that… what a repugnant parent I tried to be, that you came to expect reprimands for everything you did?
The more he thought of it, the more doubts invaded his mind. Was he ever able to show him kindness? Did he ever listen to him, give a word of comfort, a caress, a hug? Or was he merely a teacher with high expectations?
With a light dizziness spreading through his spine, he told himself the truth was probably in the latter.
He read more pages, and now everything made his heart jump. " Aeleus was so kind today"... "Dilan told me a funny story"... " Master Ansem asked me to have a walk in town, finally!“
Not a single trace of something kind Even did. He left nothing but reasons to complain, to hate the place he would have else called home.
Tired, despite a full night of sleep - one of the few he had recently, and probably the last for a while - Even closed the journal. It was almost eight, but he couldn't have breakfast with the others that morning. He would have eaten later, when he was sure to not meet anyone. Especially Ienzo.
He had just decided to check the other books he had found when he heard a knock on the door. Hoping it was not Ienzo, he murmured a slightly annoyed “Come in" and saw Master Ansem popping out the door.
"Master" he greeted. Despite an open agreement to forgive each others, there was still a bit of tension between the king and the apprentices. Well, not including Ienzo. Ansem, after all called "The Wise" for a reason, had been wise enough to not hold a grudge towards someone who was still a child at that time; even though Ienzo was not so comfortable forgiving himself, they were behaving with almost the same normality they had before. This, together with the slight formality Ienzo had been showing Even since their meeting after the war, was merging into a slow wave of jealousy and sadness in his new heart, not so strong to degenerate in surliness but enough to impact his mood.
"Even" said Ansem, still in the entrance. " Already awake or still awake?"
"Already. I wanted to have a look at the books I collected yesterday".
"And have you found something of interest?"
"Well…"
Even's eyes moved for a moment to the journal in front of him, and so did Ansem's.
"Oh, you found Ienzo's diary".
Even raised an eyebrow.
"You recognise it?"
Ansem finally entered the room and closed the door behind him, walking few steps towards the desk.
"I remember he used to spend a lot of time on it".
"He did. He was indeed surprisingly gifted at writing".
Ansem got closer to the desk and took the journal, without opening it.
"I can guess from your guilty expression that you couldn't resist the curiosity".
There was no accusation in his voice, but Even's embarrassment didn't fade. He shouldn't have read it and he knew that, so now he could have added privacy violation to the long list of behaviours that made him a horrible father. If ever he was one.
He slowly nodded.
"Do you blame me?"
"I would if you let it change your opinion on him. Is it the case?"
"Of course not!" he exclaimed. Then with a lower voice. "On the contrary, the only opinion that changed is the one towards myself".
"Is it that bad?"
Once more, Even laid on the back of the chair, his eyes on the ceiling. He took a deep breath. "Despite all that happened in these last twelve years, I have always lived for two things: my research, and - I couldn't admit it at first - the little boy. Now that I don't have my research anymore, it turns out my fears have a confirmation, and I have never been the figure I wanted". A short pause and another deep, slow breath. “He even said he hated me sometimes”.
Ansem looked thoughtful. He spoke while watching the far roofs from the window.
“If you think this about yourself, then my position must be undoubtedly worse”.
Even looked at him.
“Why? You were the one kind to him. He was clearly more found of you in his words” he said, pointing at the journal still in Ansem’s hands. Ansem turned and finally met Even’s gaze.
“I must admit I’ve never had a particular experience with children, but I was one myself, long time ago. I remember I too had some relatives who showed me more kindness, and others who were stricter and I used to hate. But in the end, I later realised I had learned much more from the latter; some of them didn’t actually like me, but my grandfather, for instance, he wanted to teach me all he knew despite being grumpy and serious”.
So I am grumpy and serious like him, you mean, he wanted to reply, but restrained himself and tried to focus on the rest.
Yes, Even was perfectly aware he was the one who taught Ienzo more. He still remembered the many times he used to complain with Ansem over how much time the boy was spending with him instead of his supposed adoptive father. But his human self, the part he had forgotten for a long time, had wished for something more. He didn’t even know what.
“I am also sure you too were kind to the boy, Even” said Ansem, because Even, deeply lost in his ruminations, hadn’t replied. “You just don’t remember those moments”.
Even was already so mentally tired that he barely hummed in response. Then, willing to put an end to that conversation, he took the journal that Ansem was passing him and changed topic.
“So, what did you want to talk about?”
***
After all the work he did to help Sora in his journey, Ienzo was now used to be on his own when someone came to the lab. The overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that accompanied his heart at first had disappeared after a while, so he could now welcome his guests with ease and begin to work before the others were there.
Xion was sitting on the chair in the middle of the room, looking at him with wandering eyes. It was nine thirty in the morning, and Even and Ansem were not in the lab yet.
"Am I all right, then?" she asked. Ienzo had a last look on the tablet he was holding, then smiled at her.
“Sure. Everything is as it should be".
She smiled back. Her new outfit, something finally nice to wear for someone her age, made Xion look tinier and a bit defenseless, but her gaze said otherwise. The look in her eyes, Ienzo noticed, was intense and aware, but also kind, which he honestly hadn’t expected to see in his presence.
"How often do I have to come for a check?"
Ienzo pondered a little.
"I would say we have enough proof that you are doing ok now, so perhaps you could come every six months for the next couple of visits. I will check in with Even, he still knows better than me in this field".
"But you seem to be pretty confident when you work".
Ienzo blinked and smiled again.
"Well, I am more than before for sure. But I'm afraid there's no way I can compete with the owner of this research".
“I think he must be very proud of you”. Her voice was sweet and calm. “You were able to work a lot on your own, and if Roxas and I are here now it’s also thanks to you”.
“Well, I… do you think so?”
“‘Course!”
An embarrassed smile coloured his face.
“Thank you, Xion. I really hope you are right, even though I don’t deserve much praise. All I’m doing is the minimum to repay for my actions, and the Organization was so cruel to you that you shouldn’t even thank us”.
“Well, some of them were actually unkind” she agreed, “but others were not, or were just neutral. And anyway, you were not yourselves, right? You have your Nobody’s memories, but you are not them. Like Lea and Isa; they remember their lives as Axel and Saix, so they behave a bit like them, but they are different people now”.
Ienzo nodded. He was still standing in front of her, which made him feel a bit uncomfortable, as if his position was kind of higher, as if he wasn’t the one who needed advice.
“That is right, I suppose”.
“So I don’t know about your Nobody, because we never met, but I know you and you did a lot to help us”. She paused. “I suppose it’s the same for Even”.
“What do you think of him? You actually met Vexen, right?”
“Yes. I don’t remember a lot of my days in the new Organization, but I think I was a bit scared of him. I could never understand what he was thinking”.
Ienzo grinned.
“I see, I always had the same impression when I was a child. He looked like a teacher who likes to scold people just for fun!”
“And was he really like that?” she asked. She looked genuinely curious.
“He was a serious man, and he behaved like a teacher, but it was just his way to take care of me”.
“Right, you told me that you were raised here. How old were you?”
Xion was so understanding and easy to talk to, that he wanted to reply, but he needed to move from that position. Xion must have noticed his uncomfortable switch of balance between one leg and the other, because she slightly moved on the chair and pointed the space next to her with a nod.
“You can sit here if you want”.
“Really? Thanks”.
He sat. While speaking, his gaze wandered between Xion’s eyes and somewhere next to her.
“I was seven when they brought me here. My parents had just passed and Master Ansem decided to take care of me. But he was often busy, so he asked the other apprentices to help him. In the end, Even was the one who spent more time with me. He taught me to write and read properly, to make calculations, and many things about history and science”.
“Well, that sounds a lot like a teacher!”
He softly laughed.
“Yes, he often was! But he cared about me. I know we rarely played, but I remember he used to read something for me after I came to the castle, to calm me when I had nightmares. And he let me sneak in his bed when I was scared, but he made me swore not to tell anybody, so it’s a secret!”
“Not a word from me!” she whispered with a finger on her lips. He smiled in return before she spoke again. “You seem to respect him so much”.
“Ah… well…” He had a look around the room, to make sure no one was nearby. “Yes, I do respect him. I respect Master Ansem too, of course”.
“They were like your fathers, then?”
“Mm… you know, after all these year... I think Master Ansem was more like a grandfather, actually. He was the one who first took care of me, but I think if I’d been raised only by him I would have been more spoiled. If I have to pick one...” He had another embarrassed look around. “If I think about it… yes, the one who looked more like a father for me was Even”.
She smiled. Then she got lost on her thoughts for a while.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“Yes… I was just wondering that I may consider him the same. He is the one who made me, after all”.
“That’s right”.
“So this also means” she smiled again, “that me and you are kind of siblings”.
Ienzo’s eyes widened. He wasn’t surprised by the idea, which after all made a lot of sense; it was the look in her eyes, that of a person who seemed to appreciate the possibility. He smiled, repressing the urge to hug her - he would have done it one day, maybe.
They almost jumped when they heard steps entering the lab.
“Oh, it looks everything is under control here” said Ansem. He walked alongside Even and stopped in front of Xion and Ienzo, who quickly stood up.
“Yes, the checks are finished. Sorry I didn’t call you straight away”.
“There was no need”. Then Ansem looked at Xion. “How do you feel?”
“Perfectly well, thanks”.
“I think she might be able to come less often now” Ienzo said, addressing Even and passing him the tablet. “What do you think?”
Even took the tablet, but didn’t look at him. He read the notes on the screen, then gave the device back to Ienzo.
“It seems you have nothing to worry. You should come in six months, and if everything will be unchanged we can maintain the biannual check”.
“Can I come sometimes even if you don’t have to examine me?”
That came unexpected for Even and Ansem, but not for Ienzo. After the talk they had, he realised she was enjoying their talk. A small bubble in his new heart had already decided to change her name on the phone in Little sister .
"Of course" he replied, then looked at Ansem and Even. They both nodded, and Even added a tiny smile towards Xion; he, however, kept avoiding eye contact with Ienzo, who now knew there was something wrong.
Xion thanked them and stood from the chair.
"I should go now. See you, then".
She smiled at Ienzo and started walking towards the lab's door, then Ansem joined her.
"Please, let me accompany you. It's a long way to the entrance".
"Sure, thank you".
They left the lab and the remaining two scientists.
Ienzo looked at Even, who was still staring at the entrance. An outsider could have thought he was his usual self, but Ienzo had grown with him. He had learned to know the subtle changes in his tone of voice, or in his gaze, both as Even and as Vexen. Zexion was formidable at reading other people's expressions, and Ienzo had maintained that useful skill. However, he had no idea what to say, especially because he had begun fearing that Even was not as proud of him as Xion said.
The work on the replicas before the war had been exhausting. Ienzo hadn’t slept properly for weeks, instead spending that time planning, solving and wondering if he was doing everything right. What would have Even done? Does this respect his project? Am I ruining everything? he used to think. And now that Even was with him again, the thought he could have been disappointed made him dizzy, to the point he could have cried.
With a bit of embarrassment he couldn’t fully explain, Ienzo moved few steps towards the computer, then stopped when he was right behind Even’s back.
“I am sorry I didn’t call you for the check” he said, looking at his tablet for a lack of alternatives. “I will contact you for sure next time”.
Even turned, slowly. Ienzo raised his gaze and they look at each other for a moment, before moving to less revealing parts of the face.
“It wasn’t necessary. You are perfectly able to run the exam without me, you don’t need to apologise”.
“But… I might have made a mistake!” Triggered, Ienzo handed out his tablet. “Have you checked all my notes yet? Are you sure I did everything properly?”
Even didn’t take the device. He looked confused.
“I assure you I read everything, child, and I clearly recall telling you that. Why are you still in doubt?”
“Because… because your project was so complicated, and the whole time I was scared to death to ruin it”.
It took Ienzo a while to find those words, and now his heartbeat was so intense it looked like he had run. He was now looking at Even’s eyes with an imploring expression, silently asking for a reassurance he had been craving for months. Even raised his hands and put them on Ienzo's shoulders.
“I am sorry I left you with such a burden, Ienzo. But I did it because I knew you’d have been perfectly able to handle it, and I was right. I am really proud of you”.
Ienzo tried to speak, his eyes widen and wet, and producing real words required him a great effort.
“I… do you really… thank you”.
Even allowed himself a soft - and a bit sad, perhaps? - smile before ruffling Ienzo’s hairs. Then he moved to the computer, leaving Ienzo in the middle of the lab with his sight on the floor and a hand on his face, wiping a few tears.
“We should add today’s result to the database” said Even. “Can you send them from your tablet?”
Ienzo put himself together and joined him.
“Of course. I’m sending them now”.
***
It happened a couple of days later. At about one in the afternoon, Even and Ienzo were in the dining room consuming their lunch. They had a strict schedule that day, so they couldn’t wait for the others to join them.
Even was silently reflecting on something he would had to do later in the lab. After their recent talk, he had noticed an evident change in Ienzo’s behaviour. He approached Even more directly, tried to use more eye contact - which didn’t pair with Even’s wish to avoid that as much as possible - and smiled more. The boy must had been so overwhelmed by doubts and need for praise, that a simple statement like the one Even told him was enough to calm his nerves. And that had given Even further reasons to feel guilty.
However, since then he had tried his best to behave normally and and to not avoid contacts, so their work and meals together seemed quite normal.
They hadn’t finished their lunch yet when the ring of one of their phones filled the room.
“It’s mine” said Ienzo. He took the device from his pocket, checked who was calling and answered.
“Hello Xion”.
“Hi Ienzo. Am I disturbing you?”
“Not at all”. He slightly moved the phone to make sure she didn’t notice he was still eating. “I just finished my lunch. Even is here, too”.
“Oh, good. I was just wandering… I have a kind of problem, actually”.
Even couldn’t see her from there, but he noticed her voice was a bit embarrassed. He hoped it was nothing bad.
After some moments, she seemed to finally find the right words.
“I was at school today, and the administration office called me and Roxas. They noticed that the emergency contacts we gave them can’t be valid, because Lea and Isa are too young to be our caretakers”.
She stopped. Even had an idea what that call was about, and a strange sensation wrapped around his heart as the conversation continued, a mixture of sweetness and fear.
“I’m afraid they have their point” said Ienzo, with a finger on his chin. “The emergency contact should be an adult, usually a parent or a family member. Isa and Lea are technically adults, but the age gap is small”.
“Yes, that’s what they told us”.
Silence again. Ienzo smiled at the phone.
“Well, theoretically, you too have a parent, Xion. Not in the conventional way” he turned to Even, whose eyes were trying to avoid direct contact with his, “but we can all agree it was Even who gave you life. Right?”
“Yes” she murmured. “I was thinking that”.
Even cleared his throat and finally looked at Ienzo, who turned the phone so that Xion could see him too. Then he addressed Xion.
“If you want you can give my name, of course. That would make sense, especially if you are sick and they need to contact someone, as I would be the one to examine you anyway” He paused. Xion’s gaze was intense as usual. “I wished I could give you a proper family to write about”.
He could feel Ienzo’s eyes on him, but he didn’t dare watching him back. He couldn’t watch Xion either and he was close to move from the camera, when he saw her smiling.
“Don’t worry, I heard you are actually a good father, so I’m happy with your name as my emergency contact”.
Even froze, his mouth opening and closing without a word living it. Did he just heard what he thought he heard?
He looked at Ienzo, whose head was now titled away from him and the phone. After a few moments of embarrassed silence, Xion spoke with a happier voice.
“Well then, I will write your name, Even. Now we just have to decide someone for Roxas, but he already told me he will need time to decide."
"Knowing him, that's understandable" said Ienzo with a soft laugh. Xion nodded and finally waved her hand.
"Thank you guys, and sorry I interrupted your lunch!”
Ienzo looked back at her and noticed the camera was shooting a part of the table. She said goodbye and hung up, and Even's heartbeat literally jumped when he saw the words ‘Little sister - Call ended’ in place of her face.
“Ienzo…”
Even tried to say something, he didn’t know what, but Ienzo stood up and took his plate.
“I will wash the dishes!”
His ears were buried under his hairs, but Even could guess they were a dark shade of pink. Probably, not that different than his own.
Even sat there, staring at the boy leaving the room. A wave of warmth spread over his chest, his hands and all his body, and then he allowed himself a wide smile that hadn’t appeared on his face for a long time.
My boy .