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He’s out on the terrace when Suzaku comes looking for him.
It’s late at night but the moon is still low, a painted slice of tangerine over the black of the sky. On one side of the castle, the woods stretch over the horizon; on the opposite side, the moon shines over a small faraway town. From up the hill, Lelouch oversees everything.
Flowerbeds and shrubs are circling the base of the terrace and the warm night breeze brings him the scent of rosemary. He’s touching those thin, sticky leaves with the tips of his fingers when Suzaku comes.
Lelouch doesn’t need to see him to know it’s him. In a year and a half since they’ve been working together, he’s familiarized himself with the soft knock on the door and the voice, muffled, that says “it’s me”. Or maybe he recognized them already from a time long gone, just as Suzaku didn’t forget their secret sign that meant let’s talk in the attic. He’s so used to this that he imagines he would fear deceit if someone announced themselves with “it’s Suzaku.”
“The door is open,” he says.
“You shouldn’t leave it unlocked,” Suzaku scolds him as he slips inside.
“Why, in case someone tried to murder me?”
He gives him a faint smile and Suzaku doesn’t smile back - come to think about it, the joke wasn’t funny at all - but he still joins him outside and stands next to him in silence.
Lelouch drops the rosemary leaves and stares out at the old garden, flaunting a wistful attitude that he may have felt before but doesn’t feel now with Suzaku in his proximity. It may just be a Pavlovian response to having been sworn enemies for such a long time that makes him so alert whenever they’re close, but he suspects it’s something else entirely.
He steals small glances at his old friend, who stands there impassive as if he actually came to see him just to sulk in silence. Suzaku is wearing his white robes and cape, even though he hasn’t been a knight ever since Lelouch declared him dead two months ago. Masks, armors, costumes. Whatever. He must be sweating under all that heavy fabric and rhinestones.
“Are you planning on sleeping tonight?” Suzaku asks, still not looking at him. He must be aware that Lelouch has been, at this point, staring.
“No. What use would be sleeping tonight when I’ll rest tomorrow?”
“You’ve got to stop making jokes about this,” he says, and it sounds more like a plea than an order - his voice shaky, his face crimped with distress.
“Okay,” Lelouch whispers. Stopping is easy like that.
Suzaku takes a deep breath. “Would you like to come to the lake with me?”
Lelouch studies him for a moment. He guesses that the task ahead is taking a toll on him, too. He jumps up and sits on the edge of the balcony, out leg swinging outside.
“I’ll race you there,” he says, and he’s off.
“It’s not fair!” Suzaku whisper-shouts after him, too taken aback to do anything but complain, except it’s more than fair because they both know how slow Lelouch is.
Suzaku runs up to him in no time. His face is strained, his eyes focused, and Lelouch appreciates that he’s taking this seriously even though he’d be able to beat him with no effort just as well.
They make their way down the hill and past an old circular gate that welcomes them into the vegetation. When Lelouch gets to the stream that runs through the woods, Suzaku has already come to a halt.
“Do you need me to kick your ass all the way to the lake or can we walk now?” he asks when Lelouch is within earshot, and there’s a faint smile coloring his lips so Lelouch concedes defeat.
Right then, something moves in the trees above their head and Lelouch instinctively puts his hands up - to do what, he’s not sure - it’s a pretty useless position. Suzaku bursts out laughing.
“It was probably just a bird.”
“Okay,” Lelouch says, lowering his arms. “Whatever.”
Suzaku rolls his eyes - it’s unclear whether he’s amused or annoyed - and starts walking in the direction of the lake.
They follow the riverbed into a thick bush until they have to lift up tree branches to pass. The vegetation is lush and clear, but Lelouch can’t risk getting distracted looking at the plants or he’ll lose his friend in the darkness. Suzaku, clad in his white robes, leads the way. His clothes don’t look bulky anymore as much as they look solemn, and they follow his movements like rippling waves. La Belle Dame sans Merci . The lady taking the knight to her grotto.
Too bad his face will be covered up tomorrow. He’ll make a beautiful killer in the daylight.
“Lelouch.”
“Hm?”
Suzaku holds a branch with his right hand and points at the water with his left. “Look. Do you think there’s an animal there?”
It’s so dark that, at first, Lelouch sees nothing. Then he realizes that there’s definitely something perched upon a little strip of sand on the riverbank. He can’t get any closer without tumbling into the water, but he crouches to get a better look through the grass.
“It’s a duckling!”
Suzaku gets down at his side, putting a hand on his shoulder to steady himself.
“It’s so small,” he murmurs. “What’s it doing here all alone? It won’t survive on its own.”
Lelouch is already glancing around to see if the mother is close, but no animals are moving above the water. “No, it won’t survive,” he concurs.
Suzaku grips his shoulder tighter. “We should rescue it.”
Lelouch bites down the need to reply, and why should we? I’m dying tomorrow, idiot. After all, Suzaku isn’t dying tomorrow and the duckling isn’t either if they take it somewhere warm.
So. “We should search for the mother first,” he says instead. “She could be around here looking for him already.”
But Suzaku is already taking off his robes and crumpling them up until they resemble one of the paper balls that they used to throw at each other while doing homework. He drops it on the grass, then studies the short slope that leads to the stream. He holds a hand out to Lelouch.
“Return the favor?” he asks.
Recalling all the times Suzaku saved him from falling, Lelouch smiles, stands up and takes his hand. Their fingers curl around each other, and when he feels steady Suzaku smiles back. Then, he turns around and begins the descent to the riverbank.
For a moment Lelouch fears that he will simply keep going down forever, getting smaller and smaller until he disappears from his view and leaves him there forever. But Suzaku is taking careful steps, with his free arm extended for balance, and his hand is tightly gripping Lelouch’s own.
“Lelouch,” he calls as he slowly gets closer to the water.
“Yes?”
“There’s actually something I wanted to tell you.”
It’s hard to decipher his tone when he’s looking the other way, so Lelouch simply waits. Suzaku doesn’t immediately follow up - instead, he tugs at their joined hands before crouching down to get the duckling.
“That time at the Kururugi shrine… I didn’t sell you out. I didn’t know I was being followed.”
Although this comes as a surprise to Lelouch, it’s not an entirely shocking revelation. Loyalty is a strange and mysterious concept, especially when it comes to them.
“Right,” he replies. “And why are you telling me this now?”
Suzaku gets up and turns around. He’s holding the duckling against his chest. He looks into Lelouch’s eyes and squeezes his hand without saying a word, but Lelouch gets it nonetheless. I trusted you with this, he’s saying. I’m sorry I broke your trust that day.
“I meant - why are you telling me this tonight?” He scoffs a laugh. “Don’t want any regrets?”
Suzaku keeps staring at him from the riverbank. “Maybe I want you to know who’s going to be behind the mask tomorrow. Have you thought about that?”
Lelouch drops his gaze. “That would be ironic,” he murmurs. He helps him up, abashed.
When Suzaku is back on solid ground, he gets closer to take a better look. The baby duckling is, if possible, even smaller than he looked from afar. Lelouch lifts a finger and gently strokes his head, marveling at how soft and ruffled his plumes are. He wonders for how long he’s been alone.
“Can you pass me my jacket?” Suzaku asks.
When Lelouch looks up at him, he realizes that they’re closer than he thought. He quickly takes a step back. “Sure,” he says. He picks up the robe and together they gently lay the duckling on it, wrapping it up a little around him to keep him warmer. They’re both somewhat perfectionists so it takes them a great deal of time to complete the whole task but, in the end, the duckling is safe in his cocoon, looking up at them with pearly eyes.
“Now we can look for the mother,” Suzaku states.
As they walk up and down the riverside, Lelouch wonders if they’ll ever get to the lake. It’s more of a glorified pond than a lake, really, but he’s already beginning to miss it. Pacing up and down a patch of woods in complete darkness looking for a duck was not how he thought his last night on earth would go. He’s got to admit, however, that there’s something endearing in lifting up foliage so that Suzaku can pass through while carrying a baby duck.
“So,” Suzaku says while they walk, squinting at the dark water. “Will you answer a question for me?”
“U-hu,” he replies, distracted.
“I told you that I wanted you to know who’s going to be behind the mask tomorrow.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I’d like to know, too.”
Something moves in the water, but it’s just a fallen leaf. “Is that so?”
“I need you to tell me why I’m alive.”
Lelouch takes his eyes away from the river and looks at him, only to find him already looking back. “Is that the question?”
“Yes. I want the real reason.”
“I assume you’re talking about the time I used Geass on you.” He doesn’t wait for him to confirm the supposition. “But I told you the reason already. It was a tactical choice.”
“I may not be a chess master,” Suzaku replies. “But I know how to recognize a royally terrible move. You could have gotten rid of one of the biggest threats to the Black Knights and instead you chose to save me. How many times did we fight after that? If that was your strategy, then I’ve been overestimating your abilities.”
“Maybe you have,” Lelouch says, irritated.
He turns around, ready to end this conversation and resume their search, but Suzaku puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him. He’s holding the bundle awkwardly with just one arm, and despite himself Lelouch moves closer to help him keep it upright.
“We both know what happens tomorrow,” Suzaku says. “Please don’t retaliate against me because of that.”
Now that he has Lelouch’s attention, he drops his hand and adjusts his position around the duckling. Lelouch, in turn, lets go of the robes.
“The truth is not pretty,” Lelouch says.
“I thought we were past that.”
“Fine,” he scoffs. “You’re alive right now not because I was an evil mastermind who has a grand plan for your existence but because I was a seventeen-year-old high-school student who loved his family and his friends and couldn’t bear the thought of seeing them die without a chance to defend themselves.”
Just as he expected, Suzaku doesn’t look happy with this answer, but it’s his fault for fishing for such a miserable truth.
Suzaku regards him for a long time. “Let’s just go,” he says then.
They walk in silence. After a while, it becomes clear to Lelouch that if the mother was going to come back she would have already come back by now. Maybe he shouldn’t be the one to say it, considering that his mother reappeared after ten years. But it doesn’t take a genius to know that he was an outlier in this regard. The baby duckling is alone, as maybe he should have been too. Look how well his mother’s return went.
“The mother won’t be back,” he says. He stops walking, and Suzaku stands next to him.
“But she must be here somewhere.”
“She’s not.”
“What, are you an expert in ducks all of a sudden?” It would be a funny question if it hadn’t been spoken with such vitriol.
“If she were coming back, we would have found her. I don’t know if she forgot or if she died but we’ve been walking up and down this river for an hour and we haven’t seen her, which means she’s not here and she’s not coming to get him.”
Suzaku holds the duckling tighter, as if he were trying to protect him from Lelouch. “So what do we do with him?” he asks, distressed.
Lelouch shrugs. “We can keep him with us for tonight and release him into the lake tomorrow morning.”
“Then he’s just going to die tomorrow night!”
“I don’t have an answer for everything.” He doesn’t know if he’s mad at Suzaku for asking or at himself for not having anything smart to say, but it’s the middle of the night and he’s tired and the duckling will live longer than him anyway, so he looks away and blinks back tears. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Suzaku hold out the bundle toward him.
“You take him, then,” he says. “You carry him for the rest of the night. I don’t even know why I keep coming to you for answers when you haven’t had anything good to say in the last ten years.” He turns on his heels and adds: “Let’s just go to the lake already.”
Without his majestic cape, he’s just a kid with a temper stomping through the woods. Yet, there’s a dangerous edge in his appearance that he didn’t possess before - something desperate in his slender frame and fitful movements, and if Lelouch weren’t carrying the precious duckling he would be afraid to follow him into the darkness. O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms, so haggard and so woe-begone?
“If you loved your friends and family so much, why did you do that horrible thing to Euphy?”
He should have known that this question would soon come, half-hissed and half-cried, both murderous and sorrowful. It’s the one thing that has plagued Suzaku all this time. It’s unsurprising that it would come out at a time like this, when he’s let Suzaku down. And maybe it’s just the fact that he’s holding the bundle against his chest and he’s focused on keeping it out of harm’s way, but this time he doesn’t find the will to keep up the lie. If Suzaku wants the truth, then so be it. He’s going to hate it anyway.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” he confesses. “I won’t tell you what went down because that’s a burden for me to carry. But I wanted nothing of it.”
Suzaku shakes his head. “How do you do that to a person by accident?” From the way he’s asking, it’s clear that he’s not even considering the possibility that it actually was an accident. But when Lelouch doesn’t reply, horror sweeps Suzaku’s face and he finally asks: “It was an accident?”
“Yes.” What else is there to say? It was.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” It’s funny he should say that, as if he’d been conditioned to posing that question first.
“Would it have made any difference if I’d told you sooner? It was still my fault.”
Slowly, Suzaku nods. “Yes, it was.”
“So we’re on the same page.”
“I can’t look at you right now.”
He doesn’t stop him from running away, but he does keep moving forward through the vegetation in the direction where Suzaku has disappeared.
It’s not easy, with the robes he’s carrying, but eventually he makes it out of the woods. The trees thin out into a meadow around the water, and there’s a small pier going into the lake. On the other side, the vegetation goes right into the water and Lelouch can spot fireflies flying through the reeds.
Suzaku is there in the clear, sunk to his knees.
Lelouch sits on the grass next to him and puts the duckling down between them.
“Suzaku.”
“You fucking idiot. You stupid…”
“Look at how the tables have turned. You’re calling me an idiot now.”
Suzaku doesn’t seem to hear him. “Your answer was not what I expected.”
“I know,” he whispers. “Suzaku…” he pauses, looking for the right words. “I didn’t want any of it to happen, but it would be useless to say I’m sorry now, so I’m not going to. I’m apologizing in another way tomorrow.”
Tentatively, he touches Suzaku’s shoulder and waits for him to look up at him. He holds his gaze, calm.
“Yeah? I’m paying for it tomorrow,” he repeats to make sure that Suzaku understands him.
“Yes,” Suzaku finally says, voice hoarse. “You are.” There are years of hurt and resentment in his words. But in them there is also the awareness that what must be done will be done without the need to twist the knife in the wounds, and that in a kinder, more loving world nobody should go through what happened to both of them. They have been brought together by a shared burden but they were brought together by genuine friendship first, and maybe those are one and the same now.
“Now, you wanted to come to the lake, right?” Lelouch says gently. “Here we are.”
“Here we are.” He sounds distant, but his eyes slowly come to focus, and he puts his hand over Lelouch’s briefly before moving away from his touch and sitting down next to him. Lelouch scans the water for any movement, but he’s really starting to believe that he’ll have to find another solution for the little duckling asleep between them.
The night is warm, so they both take off their jackets and shirts to feel the breeze. After looking out at the lake for a while, Suzaku lies down. Lelouch briefly glances up at the sky.
“I don’t know the name of any of these stars,” he says, and Suzaku laughs. It’s so unexpected that Lelouch jumps up a little, startled, and maybe it’s just the shock but after a moment he starts laughing, too.
When their laughter quiets down, the silence of nature overtakes the clearing. The moon has come up from behind the trees, but a cloud is covering her so all that’s visible is the light it reflects.
“In another life I would have loved you,” Suzaku says.
Lelouch knows without turning back that he’s still looking at the stars.
He doesn’t reply, and after a while Suzaku lightly kicks him on the side. When he still doesn’t move, he kicks him again, and when he slaps his ankle Suzaku gives him yet another kick. He’s giggling quietly. Lelouch blocks his ankle with both hands, but Suzaku just knocks at his shoulder with his other foot. All of a sudden they’re rolling around in the grass trying to swat at each other, and they’re so careful about not moving closer to their duckling that they don’t even realize they’re going the other way until they fall into the lake.
The water only comes up to their knees there on the outer rim, so they emerge a moment later spluttering and laughing and they get back to land on all fours, out of breath from the impact with the cold. Suzaku takes the chance - pushes Lelouch to the ground and pins him there, crying victory.
“Victory,” he repeats, panting. His hair is sticking to his forehead, curled up all weird. When he lets go of his arms, Lelouch sits up a little and tries to tidy his fringe. His fingers are trembling.
He doesn’t know how long they stay there, with him combing Suzaku’s hair - over his temples, above his ears - and Suzaku holding his gaze and letting him pet him all around his face.
It’s not a bad way to spend his last night on earth at all.
“Do you think we can pretend that we’re in that other life?” Lelouch asks quietly. “The one you were talking about?”
He believes that all he needs is for Suzaku to nod once, but when Suzaku breathes, yes, his eyes crinkling with something between amusement and fondness, Lelouch discovers that all his bravado has left him and he doesn’t have an answer for himself on how to proceed with this. His hands are still tangled in Suzaku’s hair, and he flinches when his fingers contract on their own - what a good impression he must be making.
Suzaku, however, doesn’t seem put off by this. He brings their foreheads together and stays there for a moment, eyes closed with an expression of concentration. He lets their noses touch, their mouths, and then he tilts his head a little more and kisses Lelouch for real. Lelouch hooks his arms behind his head to keep himself upright and kisses him again, and again.
They part when Suzaku sneezes. It might be a warm summer night, but they still took a dive in cold lake water. Suzaku’s white robes are big enough for them to dry off the droplets and still save a dry patch for their sleeping duckling, and later they strip down and squeeze their pants, then put their underwear and shirts back on and lay the rest down on the grass. Neither of them suggests they go back before they catch a cold.
They’re sitting side by side just like they were earlier.
“This other life doesn’t sound too bad,” Lelouch says.
In response, Suzaku circles his shoulders with his arm and pulls him closer.
“It doesn’t.”
There, in Suzaku’s arms, Lelouch thinks about that life. His family is there - Nunnally, Kallen, Euphemia, even C.C., whom he loves in spite of everything. It’s just his luck that he grew fond of the devil he made a deal with. Suzaku is there, too. His first and last friend, met by chance. Suzaku whose loyalty is as mysterious as love itself is, who took a bullet for him on that fateful day when they were seventeen. Lelouch hasn’t allowed himself any hope in a long time but he does now, and hopes that Suzaku is happier in that other life. He hopes such a life exists, too, but he doesn’t really have any doubts about that. Shirley believed it and that’s enough for him.
There, in Suzaku’s arms, he speaks. “Before Shirley died I managed to speak with her. She told me she thought… she told me she thought her fate was to fall in love with me in every life, every time she was reborn.”
He hopes Suzaku understands. That’s what it’s like for him: not just in another life but in this one, too.
Suzaku, however, looks confused. “Before she died?”
“Yes. When I found her in the mall--you know.”
“You mean… after you shot her? Or did you shoot her after she told you this?”
“Oh. No, I didn’t shoot her.”
“You didn’t kill Shirley?”
“No. Rolo did.”
With his free hand, Suzaku sweeps his face.
“Are there other secrets you’d like to share right now?”
Lelouch considers it. “No,” he says eventually. “You know the rest”
Suzaku nods. He lies down and this time Lelouch follows him, resting his head on Suzaku’s shoulder.
“What if I adopted the duckling?”
“Well. You already adopted a cat, so why not?”
“Exactly. The legendary Zero and his pet cat and duck.”
“There you go.” Lelouch huffs a laugh against Suzaku’s collarbone. He thinks that maybe that’s his fate. Somewhere, somewhen - in the past, present or future - another Lelouch rests on Suzaku’s shoulder and smiles. He may not have much time left in this life, but somewhere, somewhen.
He closes his eyes.
“Have you ever read Dante?” he asks.
“No?” Suzaku replies, amused.
“From the most holy water I returned regenerate,” he quotes in a murmur. “In the manner of new trees that are renewed with a new foliage, pure and disposed to mount unto the stars.”
“Which one is it?” Suzaku asks around a yawn.
“Purgatory.”
“I might read that.”
“You’ll have to start from the beginning.”
“The dark forest, isn’t it?”
“The dark forest and the wild beasts.”
Suzaku adjusts himself around him until they’re nestled in each other’s arms, their bare legs tangled together.
Soon, because they are two boys lying together in the middle of the night, they fall asleep.