Chapter Text

Chapter 14

Trust and Vulnerability

Severus placed a bottle of moonstones beside the moonmoth wing powder and grimaced at a throb in his skull. He hadn't recovered from the near catastrophe of the night before, and Remus had asked him to rest, but Severus' potions and ingredients couldn't wait, and he trusted no one but himself to organise his supply cupboard properly. Remus didn't like it, but he had conceded to his mate on the argument that his project would come to fruition faster if he had his own ingredients close at hand and in a familiar order. 

Severus refused to be coddled regardless. He wasn't weak.

"Papa?" Harry peeked in the lab, his eyes still a little shadowed from last night's harrowing brush with true evil. "A-are you okay still?"

Severus set his jar of light-sensitive moxie seeds in the closed cupboard next to the moonrose petals and gave his little boy what he hoped was a reassuring smile. He hadn't much practise in smiles of any sort, which might explain why it failed to ease the worry in Harry's eyes.

"Yes, child. Organizing my cupboard isn't incredibly taxing."

Harry blinked. "Your cupboard takes taxes?"

Severus barely stifled a snort. "No, no. 'Taxing' means something is difficult or draining."

"Like Uncle Vernon says taxes squeeze the last drop out of every hard-working man in the country?"

Severus scowled. "Take nothing that man taught you to heart, child."

Remus added from the hallway just beyond, "Your papa is right, love. That man wouldn't know hard labour if it bit him in the—the hindquarters."

Harry nodded solemnly. "'Cause he made me do all the work."

"Yes, precisely." Severus patted the boy's shoulder. "Your observation of the similarity between the words is a good one, however. Well done."

Harry smiled, but too many shadows crowded his eyes. "Papa, just—just this once, could I stay in here while you fix your cupboards?"

Much as Severus hated to be fussed over, he knew damn well the night before had traumatised Harry. In light of that, perhaps he might bend his rules a little.

"This once then, so long as you don't touch anything unless I tell you to."

Harry's smile brightened. "Thank you, Papa."

"You are welcome, little one. Now, have a seat and work on your letters while we're organising the potions cupboard."

"Can I help you instead, Papa?"

Severus smoothed the boy's hair. "You will need to be better at reading first. Work on your letters, and perhaps soon you might help Papa with inventory, as long as you don't touch the potions."

"Okay, Papa. I remember you told me they're dangerous."

"Good boy." Remus conjured a table and chair for Harry near Severus. "You'll help me keep an eye on your papa, yes?"

Severus shot him a dark look. "I'm fine, Remus."

"Well, just the same, I'd feel better if we made sure of that, love."

Severus huffed and went back to sorting his cupboard, pointedly ignoring both the werewolf and the pounding inside his skull.

Severus had just placed the phoenix tears next to a jar of quills from the same being when a lilting feminine voice echoed in the mostly empty hall. 

"Severus? Mr. Lupin? We're here."

Harry's head whipped up. "Oh, oh, Papa, is it Draco?"

Severus snorted in spite of himself. "That, love, is his mother."

Harry giggled. "Oh. But then Draco’s here?"

"Yes, of cour—"

"Severus?"

Remus answered Narcissa's call. "We're in the lab, Mrs. Malfoy."

"Ah, but then, where is little Harry?"

Harry stood and bounced on his heels. "Can we go meet them, please?"

Severus patted his head. "Run along then."

Harry started away, winced, and turned back. "I don't want to go without you."

Severus frowned at his half-empty box of phials. "I cannot leave this for long." Not least because his strength was dwindling.

"O-oh. Then can Draco and me stay here?"

"Draco and I," Remus corrected, "and the lab is no place for two little boys to play." 

Harry's bottom lip trembled. "But, Daddy, what about Papa?"

Remus rubbed Harry’s hair. "Don't worry, cub. I'll make sure your papa stays safe." He offered Severus his hand. "But we should at least greet them first."

Severus glanced at his half-empty cupboard and sighed. "Very well." He refused to be helped, however, and stood on his own power. So what if he swayed a bit? He didn't need help.

Remus gave him an exasperated look. "Merlin, you're the most stubborn man I've ever met."

"I can think of two or three who were at least as stubborn," Severus muttered. 

Remus sighed and walked beside Severus, one hand resting at the small of Severus' back. Severus didn't pull away, though the gentleness of his touch made him squirm a little. He had his pride, that was all. Was it so bad?

"Ah, there you are." Lucius stepped around the corner and frowned. "Severus, are you quite well enough to be up and about?"

Severus scowled. "I'll live."

"Hm." Lucius stood aside and watched his son race to greet his little friend. 

"Harry!" Draco stopped short of hugging Harry—pureblood training, no doubt—but Harry had no such compunction.

"Draco!" Harry squealed and grabbed his friend into a tight hug. "I'm so glad to see you. Papa said I should say that when you came. Did I do it right?"

Remus chuckled. "Yes, perfectly, little love."

"Brilliant!"

Draco frowned. "I thought I wasn't supposed to tackle people, Papa, but he tackled me."

Lucius rubbed Draco’s shoulder. "I think it's all right just to be a little boy with Harry. You're friends, after all."

Draco's cheeks turned pink. "Oh. Yes, we are. Aren't we?"

Harry grinned. "Course we are! I wanna show you my new bedroom. Papa, can I…." He trailed off and worried his lip. "Oh. Maybe we can just play outside the lab instead."

Narcissa shook her head. "I brought a snack for you, pet. It isn't safe to eat near the lab."

Harry sniffled and looked between Narcissa and Severus. "But, Papa's sick."

"Harry," Severus said in a gentle voice, "love, I'm perfectly fine to organise potions. Remus and Lucius will be with me, too, so I'll be fine."

Harry's lip wobbled. "You promise?"

Severus ignored a wave of dizziness and knelt down to his new son. "Come here, little one." 

Harry whimpered and ran into his arms. "You can't leave me, Papa. I don't ever want to go back to that mean house. I want to stay here always."

Severus kissed his forehead. "Hush. Papa is safe. It's all right."

Draco tugged Severus' sleeve. "Uncle Sev, why is Harry so scared?"

Severus sighed. "I had… a close call last night, Dragon, but I am recovering well. There's no need to worry."

Remus looked as though he wanted to argue that point, but he kept his peace for the sake of the children.

 "What happened?" Draco clung to Severus' arm. "A-are you really okay?"

Severus rubbed the boy's cheek. "I'm fine. Now, go play with Harry and don't worry about me. Your father and Remus will make sure I don't so much as breathe the wrong way."

Remus' smile held the edge of a threat. "Yes, we will do."

"Not wise to taunt your alpha, Severus," Lucius muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "Particularly when he's right."

Severus ignored them both. "Go on, boys. We will see you again at dinner."

"Okay." Harry hesitated. "But if you do get sick again, you'll come get me?"

"Absolutely, pet."

"O-okay then."

The adults bid the children goodbye, and Narcissa led them away. A firm hand on Severus' arm hoisted him to his feet, and Severus glared at his mate.

"I don't need help! I'm fine."

"You don't want my help." Remus' eyes reflected deep worry and hurt. "But you have it anyway."

"But—"

"Don't be an arse, Severus," Lucius said with a shake of his head. "Your mate and alpha is supposed to protect you."

Severus huffed and stalked towards the lab once more. "When I need said protection, I'll let you know!"

"Severus Snape, sit down this instant and rest." 

With a mutinous scowl, Severus floated a stack of books onto his new study shelves, all arranged alphabetically and placed in perfect alignment. His headache protested and his hand trembled, but securing his wand in a tighter grip steadied his aim.

"I am not an invalid, Remus. I am well enough to—" He shook his head a little to fight off a wave of dizziness. "To place books on a shelf."

Remus settled Severus' desk in front of the window and placed his hands on his hips. "Yes, so I see."

Severus flicked his wand again despite his alpha's stern expression. Playing the submissive was all well and good, but damned if he would let Remus coddle him. 

"Severus. I can smell the burn in your core, and even without my wolf senses, I can see you shaking from here. You are patently not fine."

Severus steeled himself against the tremors racking his frame and levitated another stack. Hm. Flora of Bog and Fen before Flitterbugs and Other Useful Creatures? A subtle switching charm set the order right, and Severus moved on to the next set. 

"Severus, please." Lucius set another box of books beside Remus, out of range of Severus' limited power. "Listen to your lover. I, too, sense your magic falter—"

Severus levitated books from the box Lucius had brought in out of pure spite and glared as he sent them sailing towards the shelf. "Cease your infernal codd—" A bolt of pain shot through Severus' head, his breath shuddered, and the books wobbled midair.

"Severus!" Remus raced forwards.

"I-I don't need your help! I'm—" 

The books crashed to the floor, and Severus gasped at a stronger surge of anguish. He slumped over, but instead of hitting the hard floor, he found himself supported in strong arms.

Remus looked down at him, and the anger in his eyes made Severus' weary heart stutter. He turned his face away to hide a wince and tried to keep his shaking hidden. The werewolf wouldn't know it didn't stem entirely from illness, but Severus did. Being too ill to help the others move him in was humiliation enough without letting his partner see his fear.

Remus sighed and carried Severus upstairs, to the former spy's new bedroom. It was rather Spartan at the moment, having nothing to fill the room but a double bed with his mother's favourite quilt and a timeworn wardrobe, but it would do until his strength returned. Remus laid him on the quilt and summoned potions before he said a word. 

"Drink."

Severus checked the selection—pain reliever, headache draught, and a magic replenisher, all of his own making—and downed them without looking at his mate. He didn't want to see the anger, the disgust in Remus' eyes. Was it so terrible that he wanted to support himself? He had done so all of his life, in good condition or bad—Merlin knew no one else would have helped him—so why should it be a problem now?

Remus' fingertips smoothed Severus' hair. "I am so sorry, love."

Severus stiffened. "Sorry?" He dragged his head around to meet Remus' eyes, and the self-reproach and guilt in them left him reeling. "Remus?"

"I haven't been here for you." Remus stroked Severus' cheek and brushed his hair behind his ear. "I haven't been here to help you when you needed it, and I snapped at you because you were doing what you always do—going on in spite of it all. I'm sorry. I should have realised you wouldn't be able to leave that all behind so easily."

Severus' heart throbbed. "Remus…."

"I just… want to take care of you, Severus. I want to ease your pain. I haven't done, though, and I'm sorry."

Severus' cheeks burned. If Remus had boxed his ears for his self-sufficiency, well, Severus would have likely retorted with the same point his lover had just made. With Remus looking at him with honest remorse in his eyes, however, Severus had little choice but to admit maybe he had been an arse about the situation. More of one than his worried lover, to be sure.

"I think it was my fault, Remus. I am too used to relying on no one but myself and carrying on in spite of everything, but that does not excuse me. You are right. I am still recovering, and my stubborn refusal to admit weakness has not helped the situation." He turned into Remus' hand. "I am not used to having anyone but Lucius to carry my burdens when I am weak, and I fear I no longer know how to accept help with any semblance of grace." 

A thread of memory washed over him and rendered him breathless. "I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!"

Lily's cold voice echoed in his mind, a gunshot, the crackle of a killing curse in the air. "Fine. I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you, Snivellus!"

He closed his eyes against the pain of that moment, still sharp as hell over a decade later.

"Perhaps I have never known."

Remus tipped Severus' chin up, his touch gentle, and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "You wouldn't have done. Until now, you had to be entirely self-sufficient, and all experience has taught you is that help comes with a cost, if it comes at all." He kissed Severus' forehead and rubbed fingers warm with healing magic against Severus' aching temple. "You don't have to do it all alone anymore, love, and all I want from you is a place in your life."

Severus sighed and turned into his soothing touch. "I will make more of an effort to remember."

"Thank you." Remus caressed Severus' cheek. "Try to sleep, love. You need to heal."

Severus huffed, torn between irritation at his own weaknesses and the sweet, but confusing sensation of having someone to take care of him. "I… suppose."

"Perhaps you need a bedtime story?"

Severus snorted in spite of himself. "Oh, please do share what no-doubt fascinating tale you believe your ailing lover—your adult lover—so needs to hear."

Remus gave him a smile full of sorrow. "There once was a boy who had no one at all. He grew without love, but then, he found a family. And now, he doesn't quite understand why they love him when no one else ever has done before." 

Severus tried to hide a rush of raw emotion under a wry snort. "That's a rather short story."

"I'm still writing it." 

Remus leaned down to his mate and kissed him until all Severus' masks melted away, until he had no strength to hide the way Remus' words left him shaken and hopeful at once. 

"It's a true story, you know." Remus kissed down Severus' cheek, along his jaw, and up to his lips. "I do love you."

Severus surged up, pain be damned, and grabbed his lover into a fiery kiss. Remus let Severus in with a murmur of pleasure and held him close. Severus found himself half wishing his lover would take this further, would touch him and make him feel love as he hadn't known for years, but Remus only moved back with a knowing smile.

"Not tonight, love. You had too close a call last night, and I don't want to move too soon." 

Severus let his breath out in a shaky rush. "Harry is the only person who has ever said those words to me, until now."

Remus shook his head. "You deserve so much more."

"As long as Albus controls my reputation…."

Right. Albus was still on the loose and might learn of Fawkes' abandonment at any time. Well, the phoenix had gone to play his fool, at least until Severus called for him, but the bond between the old man and the bird no longer existed. One missed summons, and Albus would know, and then it could only be a matter of time before he tracked them down.

Severus shook off his lingering sense of shame and steeled his resolve. His recovery had little to do with personal weakness and everything to do with protecting his charge. Harry took first priority, always.

"Right. You are right. And, on that note, perhaps you might help me with my boots and out of my robe?"

Remus paused. "I—I'll just transfigure your robe. I don't want to remind you—" He winced. "Never mind."

"I am wearing trousers and a shirt underneath." He hesitated. "And… you're forgiven regardless."

Remus stilled. "Oh." His smile glowed with relief and pure devotion. "I'm glad, love." A soft kiss and a quick spell or two, and Severus was dressed in black pyjamas and bare feet. "Will that do?"

"Yes. Thank you." Severus turned into a sweet kiss. "Check on Harry before you return to Luc?"

"Yes, of course, though I'm sure he's having a grand time on his date."

Severus chuckled. "Merlin, not for another ten years, at least."

"Oh, at least twenty." Remus rubbed Severus' cheek. "Call if you need me. Please."

"I will."

Remus nodded and moved to the door. 

"Remus?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

Remus smiled softly. "Anytime, love."