Work Text:
[The following is a transcript of a virtual meeting held between the death metal band, Dethklok, and their management. Any efforts to copy or distribute this transcript or its information will be met with severe consequences]
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I think that’s everyone. Uh, hello. Can you hear me?
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
I hear you.
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
Yep.
TOKI WARTOOTH:
Yeps! This is likes we ams all back in the meetings room! How have you alls-
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
I’m heres too.
TOKI WARTOOTH:
Don’t interrupts-!
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
I haven’t saids anythings yet and you weres still talkings.
TOKI WARTOOTH:
He dids it again! Charles!
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Gentlemen, please. We need to do what we can to keep this meeting running as smoothly as possible. These are not ideal times for any of us.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Schpeak for yourself. I’m thriving.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Oh good. I’m glad you can hear us, Murderface. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about your wardrobe.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
What about it?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Let’s start with how you’re not wearing one.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
What? I’m at home!
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Yes, I know that. But you’re still at a meeting with your coworkers.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Oh! This isch just like you! Schaming me for my clothes, for my body-
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I never once-
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
And never once do you ask me about how I am taking Planet Pissch to new heightsch.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
‘Cus we don’t care, dood.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
And it’sch not like the rescht of you are acting all, fuckin, professchional.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
That’s a good point, I’ve been meaning to bring this up. I know that with working from home and doing these meetings virtually, it’s often difficult to stay focused. So I need you all to avoid any distractions.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
If my body dischtracts you, that schays more about you than it doesch about me.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Firstly, Skwisgaar, would you mind not playing guitar during this meeting?
TOKI WARTOOTH:
Ha!
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
What? But I ams always playings guitar durings meeting.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Yes, but not with your amp plugged in.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
It’s hard t’ hear anyone else.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
And Toki, would you mind choosing a less distracting background?
TOKI WARTOOTH:
Whats? Cats can be professionals.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I’m going to ask that you choose a background with less flashing colors. Preferably a static image, not a gif.
TOKI WARTOOTH:
But I think it ams nice.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
It honestly looks like Pickles is the only one who showed up ready to work.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Thanks, dood.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
What? You don’t think Picklesch isch dischtracting? Look! He’sch wearing a schweater!
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Dood, I’m back in Wisconsin. It’s cold.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I still haven’t heard from Nathan. Nate? Can you hear us?
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
I CAN’T GET THIS FUCKIN’ THING TO WORK!
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Okay, you’re a little loud, Nathan.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Please, just stop yelling for one moment.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
THIS THING FUCKIN’ SUCKS!
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
Heh. The vocalist ams having microphone problem.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Nathan, just- Nathan stop- it’s working, Nathan - Nathan!
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Oh wait, I can hear you now. Hi, Charles.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Hello, Nathan. So now that everyone’s-
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Hi, Pickles.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Hey, Nate!
NATHAN EXPLOSION
Hi, Skwisgaar.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
Hellos, Nathan.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Hi-
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
You don’t have to say hello to everyone individually.
TOKI WARTOOTH:
But I didn’ts get my hello!
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Me neither!
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Wait, Toki. How did you get that background?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
We really don’t have time for-
TOKI WARTOOTH:
It’s in the settings.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Where is that? I don’t see it.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Please-
TOKI WARTOOTH:
Are you accessings the program froms your phone or your desktop?
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Uh……
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Okay, that’s enough. I know that the stress of being cooped up is hard to deal with, but we are here to work. So could we please get to the first item on our agenda?
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Wait, I think I know how to do backgrounds now!
[NATHAN EXPLOSION disconnects]
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
I think Nate disconnected.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I see that. I’ll send him another invite.
[NATHAN EXPLOSION reconnects]
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Toki! You fuckin’ tricked me!
TOKI WARTOOTH:
No I dids not! You just don’t knows how to use-!
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
First item on the agenda! We need to do some damage control with the last EP. Turns out releasing a single called A-plague-calypse was not the wisest decision on our part.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Yeah, you really fucked up on that one.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
It wasn’t my best wordplay, I’ll say that.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
Before we proceeds, Toki, I thinks we shoulds takes a moment of silence for our poor American brothers, who don’t gots our superiors Scandinavian health cares.
TOKI WARTOOTH:
Very sads.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Fuck off.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
This may be contributing to a wider image problem as well. With current events as dark and brutal as they are right now, the demand for dark and brutal music seems to be declining. I do have a team that can handle such matters, but I’m open to suggestions.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
I have an idea.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Yes, Pickles?
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Okay, so Toki taught me about the internet about a month ago and this shit’s fantastic. Dood, you know about this? It’s not just for porn, Charlie, it’s not just for porn.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
So your suggestion?
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
I’m gettin’ there, relax. So I found these videos, they’re called mukbangs . They’re just videos of people eatin’ a shit ton of food. Sounds boring, right? But I’ve been watching them every day since the quarantine started. So my idea is, what if there was a mukbang channel, but instead of food it was booze and- [door opens] oh fuck no.
SETH, BROTHER:
Pickles, it’s me. Your brother, Seth.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
I know it’s you, who else would it be?! And fuck off, I’m workin’!
SETH, BROTHER:
Talkin’ to your band, I see. Mind if I sit in? I know a thing or two about music business.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Yeah, that “one thing” is that you suck at it. And that “second thing” is that I hate you.
SETH, BROTHER:
And here ma thought that comin’ home would have humbled you.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Pickles, you can mute-
SETH, BROTHER:
Pickles isn’t just crashin’ at his parents’ place. He’s crashing at his brother’s place who’s crashing at his parents’ place. How do you fuck up that bad? And he still has an ego!
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Get out!
SETH, BROTHER:
This is my office. I can stay here if I want. Yeah, that’s right. I have a home office. It’s above the garage, no big deal.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
Ugh, no kiddings.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Seth?
SETH, BROTHER:
Oh, hey what’s up, man?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I’m trying to conduct a meeting with the band so-
SETH, BROTHER:
Oh, you don’t need to tell me. You and me, we’re business-minded people. Tryin’ to get creative minds to play nice together and-
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Stop bothering Pickles.
SETH, BROTHER:
Hey. I respect you as a businessman, but you do not come between brothers. Isn’t that right, Pickles?
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
I wish I was fuckin’ dead.
SETH, BROTHER:
You can keep doin’ your little meeting, but you’re not kickin’ me out of my room.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
You know what? Fine.
[PICKLES, DRUMMER disconnects]
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Schould we be conscherned?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
It’s fine. We’re just down one person. We can get through this.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Are you sure? You look really stressed.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Yeah, maybe we schould do a wellnessch check. I added a mindfulnessch center branch to Planet Pissch. Not that any of you care.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I’m sorry, a mindfulness center?
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Yesch.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
...To Planet Piss?
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Yesch. You schee, health isch about more than your body. It’sch alscho about your mind. Taking care of you.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Well, that’s very good. Mental health is important. So to get back to the agenda-
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Schee? Thisch isch what I’m talking about. All you want to talk about isch work work work.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
It’s a business meeting.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
When wasch the lascht time you did schomething for you, Charlesch? Took care of yourschelf?
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
[Snickers]
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
What?! What’sch scho funny?!
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
It sounds like you ams askings our managers when he lasts jerks offed.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
No I waschn’t!
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I would like to move on, if you don’t mind. I would also like this last exchange struck from the record.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
No, it stays in. Hey, Transcript Writer. Include that last bit or you’re fired.
[PICKLES, DRUMMER Reconnects]
TOKI WARTOOTH:
Pickle!
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Hey.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I’m glad you were able to return, Pickles. Wait, are you outside?
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Yeah. Got into a huge fight wit’ Seth. Then my parents got involved ‘nd it became a whole thing. They even blamed me for the pandemic. Anyway, I needed to get outta the house.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Are you sure there isn’t somewhere indoors you can go? It looks really cold.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Yeah, we can see your breath.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Remember: take care of yourschelf.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
[Snickers]
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Schwischgaar schut up!
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Doods, I’m fine. I brought a ton of beer wit’ me so I can stay warm.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Schee? That’sch what we call “Schelf Care”.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
Hey, Toki. When he says “self cares”, it sounds likes he ams talkings about-
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Schwischgaar, I’m going to fuckin’ kill you!
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
I was talking to Toki!
TOKI WARTOOTH:
Huh? Sorries, I wasn’t payings attentions. I was messagings a friend.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
So you ams ignoring me? For your other coolers friends?
TOKI WARTOOTH:
I said I ams sorry!
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
We’ve gotten off track. The first item-
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
We ams in the middle of somethings!
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Abigail? Abigail, are you still with us?
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
Still here. I have something that could help.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Wonderful. Please share.
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
Well, ever since the quarantine started, I’ve been trying to stay productive. Because if I’m not working, then I’m alone with my brain. Which means I’ll start thinking about how hopeless the world is and the lack of direction in my life. I thought I was happy with my job as a producer, but this pandemic is making me question that. I never wanted to do the whole “family and kids” thing that’s expected of women my age, but if I did...maybe I wouldn’t be alone? I wouldn’t be happy, but at least I’d be unhappy with someone other than myself. The nights...the nights are so quiet.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Yesch, let out all of your worriesch. Thisch ish the firscht schtep of healing.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Shit, I shoulda brought more beer.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
...so your idea?
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
Right! In order to stay productive, I’ve been focusing on my work. So, I produced an entire album.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
You-! You produced an entire album?
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Wait, I never heard about this.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
How dids you produce an album without the band?
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
Through the magic of sampling and perseverance. Just slap some new lyrics on top and BAM! New Dethklok album. It’s 40 songs long.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
40...could we hear one of the tracks first?
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
Sure, let me play it now.
[audiofile01(3).wav]
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Um.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
What the fuck was that?
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
Oh, the sample came from me narrating an idea I had for a screenplay. I intermixed that with dubstep music playing through my neighbor’s wall and the couple downstairs having an argument.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
When you said sampling, I thought you meant you were gonna sample us!
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
I thought we might want to switch things up and go with a more experiential approach.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Do all of the tracks sound like this?
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
Well, all of the samples are from different sources. I’m like a painter, using every color I can-
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Is there a single second of Dethklok on this album?
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
I...no. Not yet.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I’m sorry, Abigail, but we can’t use this.
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
But I...all that time. I spent so much time on...Charles, please. If we don’t use it, that means all my effort...was for nothing.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Okay, I’m, um, I’m not qualified to handle this.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
Ams yous okay?
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
Yeah. I’m sorry, my brain’s been fried lately. On account of not having slept for the last four days. And consuming nothing but coffee and oven fries.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
That doesn’t sound healthy. You should definitely drink some water and take a nap.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Pickles, you’re drinking beer in the snow.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Yeah, but I’m handlin’ my shit way better than she is.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
All sche needsch is schome wellnessch. Abigail, let’sch get to the root of thisch feeling. What’sch been on your mind?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Murderface, you are not a licensed therapist and this is not an appropriate time nor place to go about doing this.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
I’m taking an online classch, thank you very much.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Abigail, please try to find someone you can talk to. Someone not...here...right now. And Pickles, please get out of the cold. I think your skin is turning blue.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
It’s just...the lighting. Oh, heads up, my phone’s at 5% battery.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Go home before you freeze to death!
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Uh, Charles?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
What is it?
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
There’s someone else on the call.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
What? Who.
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
Their camera ams not on.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Wait a minute...oh no.
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
A-ha! You can’t hide from me any longer, Dethklok!
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Magnus.
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
I’m sorry, who is this?
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
You never told her about me?!
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Why would we? You’re our former rhythm guitarist.
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
You have disrespected me for the last time! Revenge will--! Ah, shit. Give me a second. [To someone off screen] I’m not loitering! Well if you didn’t want people leeching off of your wifi, then password protect it, idiot!
ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC:
Okay, there’s definitely a history here that I’m not part of, so I’m going to head out.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Abigail, wait, the meeting isn’t-
[ABIGAIL REMELTINDTDRINC disconnects]
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Hm. Can one of you check on her after the call? Make sure she’s okay?
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Already adding her to my schedule.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Remember, you’re doing this as her coworker, not as her therapist. Because you aren’t one.
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
Anyway, as I was saying-
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
How did you get into this call?
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
Toki sent me the link.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Toki!
TOKI WARTOOTH:
What? He asked!
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
Toki, I ams goings to walks over to Lillehammer right now and beats you to death.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Don’t walk to Norway. I can’t have two band members dying in the snow.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
I’m not dead yet! And yeah, Toki, you fucked up.
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
Hey, don’t blame the kid. It’s not his fault entirely. Seriously, Charles. You don’t have a more secure program for video conferences? Or, at the very least, you didn’t think to set up a private call?
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Just ban him, man.
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
Ha! Good luck. I’ll just keep setting up burner accounts. I have a VPN too. Thanks again for helping me with that, Toki.
TOKI WARTOOTH:
...you’re welcomes?
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Goddammit, Toki.
TOKI WARTOOTH:
You can mutes him, Charles.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Oh. How do I do that?
TOKI WARTOOTH:
Click ons the participants button.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Okay, I see.
[MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH muted]
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
So we can talk shit about him and he can’t do anything?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Well, he can, he just can’t say anything back on the call.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
Sweet.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I could have done that...from the beginning.
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
But you didn’t, because you respect our voices and want to hear what we have to say?
[PICKLES, DRUMMER muted]
[NATHAN EXPLOSION muted]
[WILLIAM MURDERFACE muted]
[TOKI WARTOOTH muted]
[SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF muted]
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Okay, we are finally going to get some work done. We still have 7 more items on this agenda to get through, so let’s-
[Call disconnects]
[Second Meeting]
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I think we’re back on.
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
What the fuck was that?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
I forgot there’s a time limit.
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
Only for free accounts! What? You’re the manager of Dethklok and you didn’t get premium?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Oh. You’re still here.
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
Should have generated a new link, man.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Perhaps we should reschedule.
TOKI WARTOOTH:
Oh, meetings over?
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Toki-
[TOKI WARTOOTH disconnects]
SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF:
Oh no, you are not leavings before me!
[SKWISGAAR SKWIGELF disconnects]
NATHAN EXPLOSION:
So, uh, my mom just finished making chili and...uh…
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
You can go.
[NATHAN EXPLOSION disconnects]
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Remember, Charlesch. Take care of yourschelf.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Noted, thank you.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
The most important client you will ever have, isch you.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Thank you, Murderface.
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
I’m scheriousch. Remember to be kind to yourschelf.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Yes, I-
WILLIAM MURDERFACE:
Don’t be a dick to yourschelf. Namaschte.
[WILLIAM MURDERFACE disconnects]
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
You still there, Pickles?
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Yeah, Seth’s comin’ to pick me up. Not the first time I went drinkin’ alone in the woods.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Okay. Just stay safe, alright?
PICKLES, DRUMMER:
Yeah, yeah. By the way, my phone battery is-
[PICKLES, DRUMMER disconnects]
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
Looks like it’s just you and me.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Seems that way, yes.
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
Seems like we don’t talk anymore.
CHARLES OFFDENSEN:
Because you stabbed my lead vocalist.
MAGNUS HAMMERSMITH:
Oh, right. So, uh...so how have you-
[Call ended by host]