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“It would be a hundred times easier
If we were young again
But as it is
And it is
We're just two slow dancers, last ones out ”
-Two slow dancers, Mitski
Lan Xichen was quietly drinking a cup of tea, thinking about whether he should paint the sight from the window facing west or the one facing north. Deciding that the tree seen through the west one casted a lovely shadow at that time of the day, he was about to stand up when the front door of the Hanshi swung open.
The sect leader jumped slightly at the sudden sound, and turned around to see who had disturbed the quiet, instinctively reaching to his side for a sword that wasn’t there.
He didn’t know who he had expected to find; perhaps Wei Wuxian or even Lan Jingyi, who were known for their rule-breaking habits and were the most l likely to interrupt his seclusion in such a manner. What didn’t even cross his mind was that it could be none other than Jian- Sect Leader Jiang, yet that was exactly the case. Right in front of him, standing straight and imposing, was Sandu Shengshou with his regal purple clothes illuminated by the afternoon sunlight that filtered through the door, looking like a heroic warrior bringing honor home.
Suddenly lost and somewhat panicky, Zewu-Jin appealed to his teachings about being a polite host - even if he hadn’t invited this specific guest in.
He gracefully stood up and offered a perfect bow.
“Welcome, Sect Leader Jiang.”
As he stood up, Lan Xichen shot the other a curious look, examining his stance. The shorter man emanated a tense aura; not in an aggressive manner, but rather uncomfortable. On his face, there was his usual scowl, yet his eyes didn’t have the fury so many associated with Sandu Shengshou, they seemed more open and vulnerable, in a way that reminded him of a younger version of the man. Zewu-jun stopped that train of thought and opened his mouth to ask the obvious question.
“May I ask what brings you here?”
The other man simply looked at him in silence for what felt an eternity, squinting at him as if gauging his expressions.
When he spoke, the words felt like a slap for the Lan.
“I didn’t know I needed a reason to visit my husband.”
----
About nineteen years ago, on the second floor of an inn in Caiyi Town
“Let me see the wound, Jiang Cheng.” the older boy ordered, using his sect leader voice. Lan Xichen was still practicing, getting ready for the moment he actually got the title, but he was rapidly improving. Regardless, it didn’t have much effect on the other boy, since he was the person who always helped him with said practice.
“I told you I was fine, Huan-ge.” Jiang Cheng almost whined and Xichen had to suppress his smile as he gave him a pout.
It probably wouldn’t help him convince the hardheaded boy if he cooed at how adorable he looked.
Lan Xichen didn’t answer and just crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow. The First Jade had spent the few last months in the company of the other heir. He knew that as much as he was a strong, loyal, witty, uniquely honest and overall extraordinary person; he was also exasperatingly stubborn . With time, he had come to learn the best way to deal with it - with an endless amount of patience. Luckily, that was one thing the older boy had in abundance.
After about almost three minutes of terse silence, the other caved.
“Okay.” Jiang Cheng sighed dramatically as he sat down on the right bed and pulled up his outer robe to uncover his left leg. “But I’m telling you it’s fine, the water ghoul just grazed me. It doesn’t even hurt anymore.”
“Mn. You’re probably right, but I’d still like to make sure.” Zewu-Jun smiled kindly at the other and stepped closer to take a better look at the wound. He touched it delicately and his heart was seized with guilt as the other left a pained hiss.
“I’m terribly sorry.” He shot an apologetic smile and the young heir just shrugged in response, though his cheeks were dusted with a lovely pink hue; Lan Xichen briefly wondered why he would be embarrassed before continuing to inspect the cut with the utmost care.
Jiang Cheng was right, the wound wasn’t very deep. However, it seemed like the trek toward the inn had opened it again, staining the sloppy bandages crimson with new blood. He minutely shook his head slightly at the boy’s recklessness and apparent inability to ask for help, then made a quick job of cleaning the cut with a handkerchief and water from a basin.
Almost finished, he just needed something to put some pressure on the cut to help it close faster. He lifted his eyes a little, opening his mouth to ask the boy if he could borrow his hair ribbon, but instantly closed it again, breath caught in his throat.
Jiang Cheng’s face was illuminated by the evening sun, which unevenly painted it with orange hues. He was partially shadowed due to the lack of light within the room. It created a contrast of light and darkness that accentuated the boy’s features, softened by his relaxed countenance. Lan Huan gasped as the sudden realization that he loved this boy. He wasn’t especially surprised by the fact that he had fallen for Jiang Cheng - once one sees past his walls made of hard looks and scowls, it is hard not to. What baffled him, was that he had somehow totally missed it until now.
Heart in his throat, Lan Xichen blinked and made the most impulsive decision he had ever made in his short life. With shaking hands, a quickened heartbeat and burning cheeks, he reached toward the back of his forehead and undid the knot with practiced ease. The Jade placed the ribbon on the other’s leg and carefully tied it, just tight enough to exert the necessary pressure.
Jiang Cheng watched the process with wide, confused eyes. He had never seen the Lan without his ribbon; the younger boy was aware that they held some sort of symbolic value, but didn’t know exactly what they meant. Wei Wuxian had, after all, interrupted the class in which they were supposed to learn about the Lan traditions and they all lost the opportunity to learn about it.
He was about to ask if it was okay to use it for such a mundane matter, when Lan Xichen abruptly stood up and spoke.
“That should do it. It’s been a rather long day, with the whole waterborne abyss problem and such. Tomorrow we’ll have a lot to figure out.” The older boy rambled on and Jiang Cheng smiled at him teasingly, but not unkindly.
The usually poised Lan heir cleared his throat, his ears turning an even darker shade of red as he started walking backward toward the bathroom. “So, I think I’ll take a shower and then head to bed early.” He finished as he reached the bathroom door.
“Good night.”
And with that, he fled; closing the door behind him.
The younger boy just snorted in amusement, completely forgetting the matter of the ribbon.
The next morning, Lan Xichen checked the wound again as the other sleepily fixed his hair. The Lan made sure that the cut was completely healed and untied the ribbon, putting it back on his forehead while throwing surreptitious looks at the unsuspecting boy.
Soon enough, they returned to the Cloud Recesses.
Neither of them mentioned that night again.
---
“Oh?” Was all he could say as a part of his past he had long since made himself forget reared back its face.
“You see, today I was having tea with Wei Wuxian, as an attempt to mend our relationship.” The Sect Leader began explaining with an unnervingly calm voice. “And we started talking about the times before the war. He mentioned that time at the hunting competition when he tried to touch Lan Wangji’s ribbon and I asked him if he had any idea why your brother was so angry about him touching it that he had to quit.”
He made a pause and threw the other a measuring look.
“He said that the Lan ribbons are sacred. That only direct family and-” Jiang Wanyin cleared his throat before carrying forward, his strong front wavering. “Spouses are supposed to touch it.”
Zewu-Jun felt himself pale further with every word. He was sure that at the end of Sect Leader Jiang’s speech his face matched the white of the ribbon that caused this whole debacle.
“So. Were you ever gonna tell me that I inadvertently married you when I was fifteen?”
Lan Xichen felt his throat go dry. He bit his lip in a very un-Lan way, a nervous habit he thought he left behind in his earlier years, along with his feelings for a certain Yunmeng man. Guess he can only repress for so long.
“Would you allow me to make some tea first? After that, I can explain everything.”
The other seemed to think for a moment, then nodded.
Zewu-jun closed the door behind Jiang Wanyin and led him silently to the low table. Once his guest was seated, Lan Xichen made a haste retreat toward the small kitchen. Setting the water to boil, he used the blessed time to compose himself.
He had always been aware, at least subconsciously, that his actions would someday have consequences. His secret wouldn’t be able to remain a secret forever, it had always been a matter of when, not if. Still, Lan Xichen had naively expected that it wouldn't happen until Jiang Wanyin was already married with a lovely wife or at least engaged. That way, the man could use the existence of another person in his life to reject him, and it wouldn’t hurt so much. Sadly, the time was finally there and after his deplorable actions, the least he owed the other was the truth.
As the tea made a sound to indicate that it was ready, he had no other excuses to stall, so he grabbed the pot and the cups, walking to the main room looking like a man going to war.
He avoided Jiang Wanyin’s eyes as he silently set the utensils and served the tea.
Once seated, Zewu-Jun focused on his reflection on the amber liquid as he started talking.
“In your time at Cloud Recesses as a student, we spent a lot of time together. At first, I saw you as a future peer, and I wanted to build a relationship for the sake of my sect.” He smiled as memories of the past came flooding back. “But as I got to know you, I came to appreciate you as much more than a mere fellow sect heir. You became one of my closest friends. You were different from anyone I had ever met in my life, Jiang Wanyin.”
“You were, as cliche as it may sound, a breath of fresh air. With your blunt honesty, your fierce words always accompanied by passionate blue eyes, and your sharp wit that made me laugh more freely than ever before.” He faced the other as he uttered the next words, heart fluttering as he caught his deep blush, as lovely as ever. “I was enchanted by it all, by you.”
Lan Xichen returned his gaze toward his now cold cup of tea.
“That day, as I checked your wound, I was about to ask for your ribbon to use as a bandage. When I looked up, you took my breath away.” The older man felt his cheeks redden at the admission. “The last rays of the sun and the shadows of the room danced on your face, giving you an almost ethereal appearance. You had a relaxed expression that made you look so young and beautiful. As my chest fluttered, I realized that I was in love, and with this new awareness, I let my heart guide my actions and gave you my ribbon.”
“I admit that what I did was wrong. Acting as such without your permission or knowledge was a terrible slight on your person and for that I apologize.” He paused. “I cannot say, however, that I regret giving you my heart that day.” Lan Xichen heard a sharp intake of breath from the other man, but continued.
“After, I attempted to find the courage to tell you but I couldn’t. Instead, I tried to become worthy of your affections, so I could court you right.” The taller man bit his lip before confessing. “I was planning to start an official courting after you finished your studies. I even wrote a letter for your parents about the possibility of an alliance.” A self-deprecating laugh escaped him as he shook his head.
“Then the Wens happened. And we lost so much.” Lan Xichen finally looked up and found an expression on other’s face that he couldn’t discern. “You lost so much. You were left with the responsibility to rebuild a sect and a baby who needed all of your attention. I didn’t wish to burden you with my feelings, knowing that what you needed the most was a friend and an ally. So, I decided to keep my feelings to myself and be that friend.”
“Once things settled and Jin Ling grew, I knew that you would be required to have an heir to continue your legacy and take the position of sect leader. I can’t give you that. Hence, I decided that it would be best to keep my silence and let you find a wife and be happy.” He took a sip of his cold tea as he finished talking, both to soothe his dry throat and help calm his nerves.
A few beats went by, neither of them speaking. Lan Xichen sat silently, allowing the other to digest his words. The First Jade forced himself to stay still and not fidget, which - despite his upbringing that entailed many exercises in self-control - proved rather difficult.
“Nineteen years.” The whisper was very soft, but Zewu-Jun’s heard them clearly thanks to his high cultivation. The older man looked at the other quizzically.
“Nineteen years I’ve been married to the man I love.” Jiang Cheng added louder, making Lan Xichen gasp. “For nineteen years, I have been hiding my feelings for you, thinking myself unworthy and being perfectly content with the friendship you offered. Accepting that I would never marry, because I had already given my heart to someone else and couldn’t do that to a spouse.” The younger man shook his head.
“I was happy with just being in your life. Even after you entered seclusion, the fact that you still answered my letters and allowed me to remain your confidant made me feel so elated.” A wet laugh escaped his lips. “To think that I could have actually had you, Huan-ge.”
Lan Xichen was stunned and felt his core grow warm at hearing the endearment.
Jiang Cheng loved him. The love of his life had, for nineteen years, returned his feelings. The man he had given his ribbon to, whom he had given up all those years ago, actually loved him back. He was such a fool.
A small giggle flew out of him without permission and he immediately put his hand over his mouth to hide it. As he looked at Jiang Cheng, he noticed a small twitch on his mouth and his chest move. When he realized that the other was also trying to suppress a laugh, he couldn’t help it. Loud, rambunctious laughter made its way out of his chest and that seemed to break his companion as well. Soon enough, they both found themselves unable to stop their snickers. What a ridiculous situation. All the years of pointless pining and longing. They let all the suppressed emotions flow out of them through their laughter.
Minutes later, after both sect leaders managed to calm down, the older man had to ask. “What now?”
He received a blinding smile. “Well, husband. What about we do the whole courting and marriage thing right?”
Lan Xichen gave a bright smile of his own. “I would love that, husband.”