Chapter Text
Done. That was the word that was running on a loop through your mind. You were done with it all. Done with monsters, done with hunting, done with being weak, done with being a screw up. You were done with saving people who never bothered to say a simple “thank you”. You were done with the pretty girls who were always knocking you out of the way in order to get to your boys and your angel. You were done with the voices in your head that kept reminding you of how pathetic and useless you were. You were done with being hollow and empty. You were done with everything.
These feelings weren’t new to you, they had been plaguing you for years. Being with Cas and your brothers Sam and Dean had been a good distraction for a while, you had even begun to heal a little bit. The boys had no idea how positively they had impacted your life, but you knew. And you were so thankful. It wasn’t until about a month ago that you started to get bad again. You got pretty banged up during an encounter with a Changeling, so Sam and Dean insisted on keeping you benched for a while until you got better. They had been away from the bunker a lot during those four weeks, but they called whenever they could to check up on you. To make up for their absence, Cas had taken on the role of your caretaker. Usually, you hated being taken care of, but you weren’t complaining. You treasured every second you got to spend with the angel who you had come to love so much. Not that he knew that. For an ageless angel of the lord, he was quite clueless.
Unfortunately, because of the tension in heaven, Cas couldn’t be around as much as he wanted to. This led to you being all by yourself for a few days at a time. It wasn’t long before the silence became deafening. You did whatever you could to keep busy, but before you knew it, your mind would begin its attack on you.
You’re a pathetic excuse for a hunter. No, for a human. You can’t do anything right.
Everyone left you. And why wouldn’t they? You just slow them down.
You’re not worthy of anyone, let alone Cas.
You’re not pretty enough. Or strong enough, or smart enough.
Your mother was right. You are a stupid waste of air.
And so your self-hating thoughts continued. The voices, which had begun to sound a lot like your mother and every other person who had hurt you in your life, were relentless. You couldn’t sleep or eat or do anything without quickly becoming disgusted with yourself. You knew that you had to do something, anything, to make it stop. So, you made a decision; one that you had been contemplating for a long time.
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You weren’t going to do it in the bunker. That was your home. It was Sam and Dean and Cas’ home. You couldn’t taint it. Instead, you wanted it to happen in your favorite place: an open field down the road where the stars shone brightly. Once you figured out the where, you immediately decided that tonight would be the when. Then you wrote two letters. The first one was for both of your brothers, in which you explained how grateful you were to them for everything they had done for you. You also told them how wonderful they were and explained that none of this was their fault, though a part of you knew that they would still blame themselves. The second letter was for Cas. You poured your heart and soul into that letter. You told him how much you admired him and how thankful you were to him and how much you loved him. Once you had written your goodbyes, you grabbed your sharpest knife, got in your car, and drove.
After you arrived at your destination a few minutes later, you got out of the car and sat on the hood. For some odd reason, you didn’t want to stain the upholstery of your car. It was foolish, seeing as you wouldn’t be driving it anymore, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to bleed all over the interior. So, you laid back against the cool glass of the windshield and stared up at the stars. Soon, it would all be over. The pain, the voices, the gaping hole in your chest; they would all cease to exist. And so would you. You pulled your knife out of your boot, the same knife that your hunter father had passed on to you before he died, and pressed the blade against the tender flesh of your inner arm. Then you applied pressure, and dragged.
It hurt. A lot. But it was a pain that you were used to, and a pain that you welcomed. Your breathing became increasingly shallow and quick with every cut and you felt yourself becoming dizzy due to the blood loss. When you were satisfied with that arm, you did the same to the other; slicing through the skin to allow the crimson blood to pour out of your veins. Then you sat there; on your car, under the sparkling sky, waiting for the darkness to swallow you whole. Your thoughts began to blur together and your eyes grew damp as you thought of everything you were leaving behind. Then, without even realizing it, you muttered one word out loud. No, not a word. A name.
“Castiel.”
Your breaths became less frequent and your heartbeat slowed. This was it, you knew it.
“Y/N?” a deep voice bellowed through the night. “Y/N!!!” Someone was calling your name over and over again.
It was heartbreaking to hear. They sounded so devastated and broken. No one should be that sad, you thought to yourself. Suddenly, you were being touched and held by strong arms. You felt a gentle pressure on your forehead and in a matter of seconds, the pain was gone. The arms continued to hold you as you felt yourself slip away. But this lapse into unconsciousness was different. Instead of a cold darkness that threatened to devour you, it was a warm peaceful sleep that was pulling you under. The last thing you saw before you let yourself go was a brilliant blue, piercing right through to your soul.
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You woke up with a pounding headache. Well I’m definitely still alive, you thought to yourself as you took in your surroundings. You were in your bed, back at the bunker, and you weren’t alone. Cas was sitting on a chair beside you, watching you closely with those intense eyes of his. Oh, you realized. His eyes, that’s what I saw before I blacked out. You knew what that meant: Cas had somehow found you in the field, healed you, and then brought you home. You and the angel continued to stare at each other, waiting for someone to break the tense silence. You let out a sigh before making the first move.
“I know what you’re gonna say, Cas.” You mumbled, staring down at your intact wrists.
“Do you, Y/N?” Cas asked. His face and voice were stoic, but his eyes were a revealed that there was more bubbling under the surface.
“You’re mad at me. And disappointed. You think I’m selfish for doing what I did. And yeah, you’re right. I’m selfish. I’m a stupid selfish girl who can’t do anything right. Hell, I can’t even die successfully.” Tears had started to fall from your eyes, and you were too emotionally drained to try to stop them.
“Yes, I am mad. And I am very disappointed,” Can began. “However, none of those feelings are towards you, Y/N. That is how I feel about myself right now.”
Your head snapped up as you faced him and waited for him to continue.
“You were suffering. I should have noticed. I should have stopped it before it happened. I failed you, Y/N. You should never have had to think such awful things about yourself, because they are not true. You are the most wonderful person I have even known in my entire existence. You are smart and brave and kind and very beautiful. And if I have to remind you about how great you are every minute of every day for the rest of our lives, I’ll do it without hesitation.”
You were stunned. No one had ever said such nice things to you. But here he was, a warrior for an absent God, holding your hand and treating you like you were the most precious thing he had ever seen.
But he wasn’t done talking. “Y/N, please don’t think that killing yourself is the answer. Problems are temporary. Death is permanent. I know we’ve all died multiple times, but we defy nature every time we do it. Death won’t fix anything. If you died, then you wouldn’t be here anymore. We would miss you so much. But don’t just live for us. Live for yourself.”
Death won’t fix anything. The words struck a chord, making you realize how far you had gone. You didn’t want to die, not at this very second anyway. If you had died last night, this moment with Cas wouldn’t be happening.
“Please talk to us,” Cas pleaded. “Whenever you feel sad, talk to us. Or yell at us. Or anything. Just know that you are not alone. Sam, Dean and I care about you tremendously and we never want to lose you. We will help you in every way that we can, and we will never stop trying to help you. We love you, Y/N. I love you.”
Cas took a pause to move his hands to the sides of your face. He brushed the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs and smiled softly at you. Then you did something that you thought was impossible to do a few hours ago. You smiled back. You smiled so brightly that you felt as if your face would break, and you didn’t care. You were loved. You were treasured. You had people in your life who you never wanted to be away from. Last night had been a mistake, you knew it now.
"Thank you, Cas," you sobbed. "I didn’t know what to do. I felt so lost. I still feel so lost. But I’m not going to give up, not again."
Without saying another word, Castiel wrapped his arms around you and lightly kissed your temple as you relaxed into him. Though you were physically healed, you knew that you still had many emotional wounds to tend to. The road to recovery would be a long one, and you knew that there were some very dark days ahead, but you weren’t alone. You had your guardian angel at your side.