Chapter Text
Once upon a time, there’s a seaside kingdom that wishes to expand its territory into the vast oceans. One could probably make several comments about this being the hubris of mankind, but… that’s not what this story is about.
This story is about a pair so powerful that anyone who hears of their partnership gets inflicted with trembling legs and chattering teeth. So powerful and synchronized that not even being on opposing organizations is enough to dampen their prowess. So powerful that an unlikely group has formed out of the shared desire to defeat them, by way of trapping them inside a series of stories that should end with at least one of them dead.
And so, with Dazai and Chuuya trapped inside a series of tales meant to kill them, the story begins…
— — —
— — — — —
— — —
Dazai is bored. No, make that very, very, very bored.
The oceans are deep and vast, the currents swift and unforgiving. It’s a pain in the tail to swim around, so unless his interest is piqued, he pretty much just stays at his underwater grotto and just… picks at the passing school of mackerel, pokes a bit at some of the colorful octopus that swim past. Sometimes he changes up his diet to some tuna, some squid, but they’re pretty much the same old predictable meals day-in and day-out.
There really isn’t much to do here. Sometimes he dives down to the trenches just to watch the geothermal underwater volcanoes, but death by being boiled alive doesn’t sound all that pleasant. Sometimes he flits around the shipwrecks, marks of human failure as they try to conquer the oceans when they lack fins and tails. He collects bits and pieces from these wrecks, easily the most interesting part of the dreary oceans. Humans are prone to hoarding a bunch of things, of building up reminders about their short lives.
So unlike the creatures of the sea.
As a merman, he’s supposed to live for centuries, perhaps even millennia. Word is that because creatures of the sea have hollow insides, no soul and thus nothing that could be tainted, they’re able to weather the surge of time and elements. It feels familiar, being someone who has nothing but hollowness inside his ribs, but it should be. Because he’s been born a merman and he’s bound to exist as a merman.
…In short, he’s supposed to exist for hundreds of years in complete and utter boredom.
How utterly disgusting.
And so, when he hears a storm brewing upon the ocean waves above, he doesn’t hesitate to swim there. Perhaps it’d be interesting if he got struck by lightning and died that way.
— — — — —
Prince Chuuya wakes up to something wet and slimy wriggling over his face. It feels like… tongue? No, something larger than that? A giant tongue?? No, rather it’s like a tail is sliding all around his face? Like he’s literally getting fish-slapped?
What the fuck is going on?
The last thing he remembers is leading the crew out to the open waters. The council has been insistent on dealing with the reports about a giant squid—the Kraken?—terrorizing the seas. The reports about the brewing storm have been judged as faked. But it was very real, slamming against the ship relentlessly, until it capsized.
Did he die? Is he in hell? His nose twitches and he ends up coughing out briny water. Urgh, hell stinks like a shit-ton of mackerel, why.
“Oh, you’re awake.” A voice that feels so familiar—familiarly irritating, that is. Another slap of that strange, slimy appendage over his face. “I was getting ready to just start eating you, even if a tiny chibi doesn’t seem like it’s gonna be a very filling and delicious meal…”
His eyes fly open. There are so many things wrong in those words, but the most important thing is: “I’m sure I’ll taste nice, you take that back!!!”
“…Oh. I’ve heard that humans are quite stupid. Seems like that rumor is true, huh?”
Humans?
Chuuya’s watery gaze refocuses as he takes stock of his situation. He’s flat on his back, his drenched clothes acting as a heavy, wet cage constricting his body. A quick pat to his chest tells him that he’s still wearing his overcoat. There’s a huge tail near his face, made of glistening scales that are blue so pale it’s almost cloudy-white, edges dipped in silver and black. Above him, an iridescent arched ceiling made of glowing rocks, a play of reds and turquoise. There are clumps of dark green kelp and yellow-green sea-grass near his foot. Seems like he’s inside a coastal cave.
His gaze trails up the long tail near his face, until he sees a scaly torso, scaly shoulders, and… huh?
“What the fuck are you doing, that’s not how you wear a hat!” The flowers and feather plumes that have been sewn into hat’s brim are gone, no thanks to the storm, but it is still recognizable enough for him to know that it’s his hat. The fish creature beside him is currently wearing his hat over his face, using it as some strange mask. “Also, what the hell, give it back to me!”
“Mm, sure, it does look tacky anyway.”
Chuuya’s protests against this aspersion on his fashion sense die in his throat, the moment the merman shifts his placement of the hat.
The merman looks—
“Very plain,” he pushes past his sudden breathlessness. Oh, wait, that’s just because the merman’s heavy tail thumps his chest and lies there. “The legends said that the creatures of the sea are supposed to be scary, tentacle beings. But you look… plain.”
Brown hair and brown eyes, tinged slightly with red. But the rest of it looks the same as an average human in the kingdom. It’s kinda underwhelming—and, as his gaze gets hooked on the other’s mouth, also a bit overwhelming at the same time.
The merman doesn’t waste time in dissuading him from thinking that those glossy, pink lips are inviting. A pouty whine emerges, along with rapid-fire complaints. “After all the hardship I’ve gone through saving your life, this is the thanks I get? Mermen aren’t supposed to make contact with humans, you know? It’s a taboo punishable by death!”
Those words sober Chuuya up, to the point that he gets enough stability to try and sit up. His hands support his motion, dropping down on a makeshift mattress of kelp laid down under him. It brings him closer to eye-level with the merman. Closer to the scent of mackerels too. “For saving my life at the risk of your own, thank—”
“—say, I’ve been waiting for the divine punishment! I thought it was supposed to merit me a death penalty? Why isn’t the punishment coming?!”
Chuuya blinks. And blinks again. He peers into the merman’s face as he considers. “Are you… a suicidal maniac?”
“I thought it would kill me, that’s why I worked hard to bring you here!” Another pout. “Do you know how heavy you are? How could someone so tiny be so heavy?”
“Stop calling me ‘tiny’ already! I’m still growing, damn it!”
“And does this definitely-cursed-to-stay-forever-small human have a name?”
“I do, but I’m not telling some bastard who’s cursing me!”
“Got it, chibiest chibi.”
“My name’s Chuuya!!!”
“Mm.”
It’s the merman’s turn to scrutinize him. Brown eyes linger on the lapels of his coat, where the insignia of the kingdom is embroidered. He did not wear his ceremonial coat where all of his medals of valor are pinned, but he does have an elaborate embroidered version of his achievements near the breast pocket. This overcoat is one that’s been left to him by his father, the King, one that he couldn’t bear remove even if it’s a heavy weight that would have surely sunk him into the ocean’s depths.
“Given the clues on your coat, the intonation of your words, your very ostentatious, tacky hat…” One slightly-webbed, scaly hand starts rubbing at the other’s chin, like he’s deeply thinking. “…Your identity can only mean one thing.”
Chuuya finds himself gulping, a bit wary. He’s aware that his kingdom’s got a number of opponents eyeing them, ready to pounce on their territory. If even a merman—who’s supposed to live so far away—has heard of him, then isn’t that quite dangerous?
…Just like earlier, the merman is quick to set his thoughts straight.
“You must be some angry, tiny pet, huh?”
Chuuya lunges for the other’s neck. “I’m gonna kick your shitty fish ass!!!”
— — — — —
Dazai spends the next few weeks swimming near the shore of the chibi’s kingdom.
Listening to the other’s loud voice: makes his ears hurt. Looking at the other’s silly fashion sense: makes his eyes hurt. Smelling the other’s clothes all doused in perfumes when he comes from some diplomatic meeting or some ball: makes his nose hurt. Eating the food that the other brings for him so he can try human delicacies: makes his tongue hurt. Talking for so long to an idiot: makes his throat and his brain hurt.
…But, it’s so much more interesting than the dull life underneath the ocean.
He’s not someone prone to regret, but he finds himself regretting ever helping Chuuya return to his kingdom. He should have kept the chibi bound in seaweed inside his cave, within easy reach the moment the crushing sense of hollowness creeps back. It may be a pain to deal with the silly prince, but it’s so much better than being plagued with listless boredom.
The situation becomes worse.
“Is human-pet marriages even allowed?” Dazai asks, immediately disdainful of the news that Chuuya brings him one night. “Is the neighboring kingdom even aware of your ridiculous hat collection?”
Chuuya kicks his tail. Today’s a high tide, so it’s easy to slip away from the brutish action, the shoreline wet and glistening.
“I told you so many times already, I’m not a pet, damn it!” As suddenly as he fumes, he settles down. More mercurial than a tempest. “But the other party does look so much like a rat.”
“Oh, it would be a marriage between two tiny beings, huh. Three days from now?”
Another kick, but it’s towards the wet sand. An almost despondent, “It’s supposedly for the good of the kingdom.”
“And because you’re its tiny, idiot prince, you’re going to marry a rat.”
The despondency is amplified now. “…Yeah. I’ll probably have to spend half my time living in his kingdom in the mountains too.”
“In the mountains.” A flat echo.
Chuuya tries a grin, but it only makes the unhappy twist on his mouth more pronounced. “Seems that you’d have to find some other person to annoy, huh, shitty mackerel.”
Another creature to annoy? Another creature that’s as painful to look at, with all of his dizzying colors? Like sea slugs, maybe? Another creature that snaps up at the slightest provocation? Like those crabs that he finds so very delicious but gets to eat rarely because getting pinched by them is a pain? Another creature like this idiot chibi of his?
Something hurts inside his chest. It’s impossible, because mermen have hollow insides. They’re not supposed to have hearts, they’re not supposed to have such a vulnerable object, that’s why they’re able to live a long, long, long life. But it hurts nevertheless.
…How annoying.
He purses his lips. “Well, I doubt I’d find something as tiny as you~~~”
“You’re so fucking annoying! Urgh! I’d be so happy to be far away from you!” Chuuya kicks him again, yelling like an angry dog.
…Yes, at this rate, in three days’ time, they’d be very far away from each other indeed.
That statement resonates inside his skull even until he’s back to the deepest part of the oceans, swimming against the currents in order to meet the Sea Witch. A neutral entity that allows trades to be done by force of some unspeakable magic.
The witch twirls a cane as he states his purpose. He seems like he’s about to mutter an objection when he mentions that he’s been in contact with a human quite blatantly. But in the end, the witch twirls his cane again, murmurs something like, “it’s still according to plan”, and louder declares: “The trade is not impossible, but it requires a hefty price.”
Dazai’s interest is piqued. “Will it require my death?”
“...Not at the moment.” A sigh. “This trade can only be done once. Your silence in exchange for a temporary human body that would last three days.”
Silence? So he can’t annoy the chibi? Ah, but there are other ways aside from insulting him… “And after three days?”
“You will revert to your merman’s body, suffer through the pain of a thousand blades each time you swim, and never get the chance at being human for all eternity.”
He considers it, staring at the bushy moustache of the witch. “You make it sound as though it’s possible for me to gain a mortal body for good.”
“If you’re able to get a ‘True Love’s Kiss’ from Prince Nakahara Chuuya, that would make your transformation to a human permanent.”
“I have to kiss that chibi? Impossible!” Dazai makes a face. “He’s too small, how would I even find his tiny mouth?”
“It has to be a kiss borne of true love.” The witch’s moustache twitches as he says this reminder. “A merman’s immortality is due to your hollowness. A human’s mortality is due to their heart and soul.” An almost sinister smile, like failure is the expected answer. “If not the ‘True Love’s Kiss’, you can also obtain Prince Chuuya’s literal heart.”
It sounds like the absolutely worst type of deal. The Sea Witch is supposedly a neutral entity, but this almost seems like he’s being led to a path where failure is the only option. Like killing Chuuya is the only option for him to escape the painful consequences.
The idea of pain is annoying. The idea of losing is very annoying. The idea of losing the chance to annoy Chuuya is… very, very annoying. The idea of not getting to losing Chuuya to a rat’s kingdom out there in the mountains is… very, very, very annoying.
And so, to the Sea Witch, Dazai says, “You have a deal.”
After all, how hard can it be to make Chuuya want to kiss him? The chibi should be honored that he gets to kiss someone like him! It’s not every day someone would bend down low enough to kiss a shortstack like him!
—
Hours later, Dazai looks in dismay at his body that are covered in white bandages. Rather, he looks down at his bandage-covered toes that end up writing a bunch of gibberish on the shoreline. He’s been banking on the fact that he can write his explanation so that the chibi can kiss him quickly and then he can start following him into his home.
But now, he can’t say anything! And he can’t even write anything!! This is the absolute worst!!!
— — — — —
to be continued