Work Text:
"how rare to hear the silence of a still sea."
he didn't belong here.
he stood in the parlor doorway, hand on the frame, staring.
he knew, knew, knew that he didn't. here, beside the sea with warm waters not a trace of ice in sight, here, in a city of bright orange lights and the chatter of people who were allowed to be people, here in liyue, where every single aspect of the land that belonged to it had a trace of warmth, had a trace of the steadiness of earth, of the flow of energy in its fields, of a land that lasted through time and where its people were allowed to be human.
he was not allowed to be human.
he was from the frigid north, of the dark and unsettling, of a place where there was no safety, of no trust, of nothing grounded; the only thing that seeped into all things was the ice of the archon there, eyes all-seeing, eyes sharp and cold and cruel and uncaring, eyes that would look upon him with fury barely contained behind frost if he ever dared to defy them.
it was such a stark difference, from the warm eyes that looked upon him here. from eyes that trusted him fully, from eyes that were so strangely comforting and kind, eyes that seemed to melt him just by gazing softly at him before closing and he heard the soft chuckle from the other's voice, reverberating deep through his veins and settling in his chest to burn without burning him.
he didn't deserve it. a mark of red make-up beneath each eye, the colors like the trees in autumn, or the petals of that flower touched by the sun, or like the glow of ores touched by elemental energy. there was never a time where those eyes had done anything but warm him, anything but care for him, anything but trust him, nothing like the eyes of the tsaritsa which held an ice-cold grip around his neck at all times, anything he would do, to have those eyes never dim and gaze upon--
"childe?"
he was pulled from his thoughts from that voice he longed to hear so badly.
zhongli was seated on a bed, hands delicately holding a cup of tea in them, beside one of the windows, the moon right in their view of the small room of the parlor they were in. even the view of the moon in liyue was so different than the one in snezhnaya, its light gentle and careful, unoppressive and perfectly framing the immaculate features of the man seated before him.
zhongli, a presence of solace that he never should have gotten used to.
"you appear to be lost in thought," the other continued, before taking a sip from the tea and exhaling gently, "are you alright?"
he waved his hand dismissively, and he tried to laugh but it came out stuttered, faltering in his throat, a dead giveaway to the doubts plaguing his head like an unending tempest. zhongli did not comment on it, save for setting down the tea on the nightstand and meeting his gaze. god, those eyes. he'd never get sick of them. he didn't even mind his utter failure of an act for once, if to be looked upon like that again.
"...come here," the other said, tone more like a suggestion, like a request, rather than an order. always so gentle, with an odd weight to it that almost betrayed the waterfall of patience this man had for all things.
even still, he obeyed it.
he shifted from his lean on the doorway, made his way over to where the other was seated, and albeit a little awkwardly, sat.
"sorry, i'm just--" he tried to lie his way through it, though it was mostly for himself, "a little jumpy today. there's an influx of a lot of business orders lately and it's been on my mind--" that wasn't technically a lie. there was a major business order currently on his mind, and it was seated right next to him, less than an arm's length away from him, beautiful like a statue carved in stone that was never worn down by the rain or touched by frost. cared for, admired.
"that is alright. it is good to rest every once in awhile."
he wished that were true for him. wished that he wasn't working constantly, wasn't putting on an act every time he showed kindness knowing it was for an ulterior motive, wasn't nothing more than a weapon to be wielded, wasn't a part of an organization that wanted to take something from the man that had come to be his only shield against the world. a pillar of stone and earth, protecting from the other elements, unbreakable--
but water could erode earth, couldn't it?
zhongli never even asked what business orders childe spoke of.
"rest is a necessary thing for all of the living," the other continued, blinking slowly at him, all of his movements measured and deliberate, as his hand came over childe's, its weight comforting and kind and even still sending warm shocks up his arm that made his heart race a little more, made him take another slight breath. "it would do well for you to take some time to do it."
he gave a teasing smile, tilting his head a little and trying to bury the thrumming in his chest with a joke, "what if i told you i couldn't rest unless i was with you, then?"
the other's expression didn't even flicker as he spoke.
"then i will rest with you."
his throat closed up on him as zhongli's hand trailed up his arm to hold his cheek, and the other's eyes ever so slightly narrowed, and his lips gave a slight twitch upwards, brows raising oh, so slightly-- if it were anyone else, childe wouldn't have bothered to care so much about how their expressions changed, but with him--
with him--
a thumb ran over his cheek slowly, and the other's voice seemed so much softer yet somehow so much louder.
"if it would help you calm the storm brewing in your eyes," those amber fire-lights before him had never seemed so blindingly gorgeous, so close to his, "i would gladly give my time to you, whenever you asked," he said, as if though it was the most obvious thing in the world. sometimes he didn't know how the other could state such things so bluntly, so fondly.
he didn't know how the other could so easily melt every single mask he tried to make for himself. or was he the one letting them down for the other? he must have been making a strange expression, because zhongli chuckled softly, the sound like light music on a summer breeze.
he leaned forward anyways, turning his head shyly away from the other, and the sound came again just a little louder, a little more breathy, as arms winded around him and held him close, fingers finding their way through his hair and working reassuringly against his scalp.
he was safe here, but he wasn't supposed to be.
childe moved his hands to clutch at the other's back, tracing the intricate, timeless patterns sewn onto the black coat. let himself sink into the other's firm posture, to relax in the other's hold. zhongli brushed his hair with a hand, the other hand resting against his own back, and he sensed no ill intentions in their touch.
that smile.
he had read tales about the archon of geo, before. the prime of adeptus, rex lapis, who was a god that lacked mercy, unmovable and terrifying. a force as fierce as an avalanche, with no remorse for anyone who dared to cross him, his visage unyielding to any element. ancient stories of the ferociousness of a god that did not hesitate whatsoever, even if it came down to those that he once called friends.
and yet zhongli was so incredibly gentle with him. that thin possibility that maybe, maybe, maybe he didn't have to do this. that zhongli really was just an attendant in a funeral parlor, that he really was just another citizen of liyue; but he'd seen the way how when the other used his "vision" that the tips of his hair burned bright gold. how his mastery over geo was something that truly could only be akin to a god.
those hands were so, so warm.
he could feel the pulse of unimaginable energy coursing beneath them, but on him, they were firm, strong, unshakeable. they were shelter from the rain, like a cavern of stone with a campfire all for him. arms, around him, grounding him in reality and yet it felt so dreamlike, keeping him safe, safe, safe, safe, safe.
the soft, unending glow of beautiful eyes, akin to that of a setting sun over a sea, looking at him, him alone, only him, revering him as if though he was the one supposed to be a god here.
so why?
why did he have to make those hands go cold?
zhongli hummed softly as childe shifted again to bury his face into the crook of the other's neck, breathing deeply and willing his own heart to calm down, thudding loud, a third from fear, a third from desperation, a third from need. soundlessly, the other leaned back a little, before eventually he laid reclined against the bed, childe with his head on the other's chest, shaking a little through his barely contained panic, struggling to keep composure together before the one person he really shouldn't be showing so much emotion in front of.
"shhh, it's alright," the other spoke, "everything will be fine," and it wouldn't, he knew it wouldn't, it wouldn't, it couldn't ever be, because he was in the arms of the one person he was given the order to ruin, "all things come to pass, eventually," the other whispered even softer, and his heart stopped on those words, too close to a prophecy, too close to an omen, and he hid his face a little more in the warmth of the other's nape and obsidian-black hair, not wanting to face the truth, refusing to face the truth.
"there's... a job i have," his voice almost cracked and he cursed at himself internally for it. he shouldn't be telling the other this. he shouldn't-- "and it's stressing me out. i-i... it's a job i can't complete with just mora," his throat was closing up on him again. this was unwise of him. what was he doing?
"the most difficult ones," zhongli added, and there was a weight to his voice that made him sound so much older.
"i'm-- i know i have to finish it," he continued despite the frost creeping up his neck that made his hairs stand on end, made his whole body tense on edge, "and i thought it would be easy. but now i'm-- i'm not sure that i can--" his chest was so suffocatingly freezing again, his head in a whirl as he struggled to keep his head above water and--
again, the other's hands pressed against his back, rubbing into his shoulder blades, coaxing him to relax a bit, the man's head turning to brush his nose through childe's hair. it grounded him again. the sensation of someone holding him kindly. of being affectionate with him. it wasn't fair. it really, truly, wasn't fair.
"you will," zhongli said, with a certainty and honesty so genuine and sure it made him want to scream, "i know you will."
he only made a breathy noise in response.
childe shifted to the side of the other, pulling back a little, before settling his hand over the other's chest. he could hear the other's breath, and he could feel the pulse in the other's body. right here, right now. a heartbeat thrumming right below skin. he couldn't see it, but he knew, there had to be a golden glow somewhere there, the source of the other's heavenly divinity. finish the job. it would be easy, so, so easy, and yet--
zhongli gave a soft, breathy chuckle again, and he made the mistake of looking up at the other's expression.
eyes that looked at him like he was the only thing in the world. there's a smile that bloomed more beautifully than the prettiest flower childe could think of, the way the man's eyes squinted a little, the way one of his brows was raised just an edge above the other as he laughed, before his eyes fluttered shut and he leaned forward to brush his lips on childe's forehead.
he tried to move his hand away from the other's chest, but the other put it back there, and somehow he felt the other's chest warm beneath the palm of his hand, could feel the breathiness of the amusement zhongli took from this.
and then the breathing steadied, and zhongli's brows had arched in a way that knew, eyes filling with an ageless look that somehow stole the air from childe's lungs.
"when the time comes, you will," he pressed his chest a little against childe's hand, lashes fluttering however so briefly, "it will be done, and you will have to make the choice of whether you wanted to do it or not." how the other looked at him with such an aura of care was beyond him. he didn't think anyone would ever look at him like this, would ever hold him, touch him, like this, for all of his life he had never known the kindness of someone who--
who loved him.
"zhongli," he breathed out, his tone cracking on the last syllable of the other's name, "i don't want to," he decided.
the smile on the other's face never faded, but the amber of the cor lapis in the other's gaze burned a little brighter as zhongli's expression tinged with the slightest hint of both sorrow and gratitude.
both emotions that childe never wanted to see on the other's face-- sorrow and gratitude, for him, him alone, only for him. for a moment, the other tilted forward, and he met the other's lips without question, expression going wrought with pain before he closed his eyes and tried to fill his head with the memory of the other's arms and the other's eyes and the other's voice and the other's taste, and the other's love. knowing, that he was going to have to lose them. knowing, that he was the one who would make himself lose them. knowing, knowing, knowing, that the other knew and that the other still loved him despite that. knowing that zhongli loved him, even though both of them knew he was going to have to harm the one person he loved and the one person who loved him.
when he pulled back from the kiss, eyes wet with tears dangerously close to falling, he blinked them back-- a thought crosses, could his vision manipulate tears?-- and he met the other's gaze again. all-knowing in a way that was benevolent, not cruel. all-seeing in a way that was gentle, not fury.
it would have been easier, if the archon of geo was a god who knew naught of what it meant to be human-- if he was more like the tsaritsa, it would have been easier for childe to convince himself to hate the other.
zhongli spoke, and childe wished it was something else on the other's lips.
"i know."
he didn't belong here, but he wished that he did.