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Chapter Text

It was a sunny day – well, actually it was evening, but who cares – and the Zora were celebrating the victory of Zelda and the Champions. Now that Calamity Ganon had been sealed away by the princess’ powers, everything seemed to be peaceful again. No monsters (at least not as many as there had been before), no troubles (except for the usual stuff) and nearly nothing to worry about.

If you’re not the big sister of a tiny hammer shark that goes by the name Sidon and loves to go on dangerous adventures AND hunt frickin’ Lynels.

No one was sure, how he was still alive after running away so many times and causing more trouble than any Zora probably had before, while still being a child. Mipha was slowly starting to regret offering to watch over him. He can be a sweet, shy child, while he’s around other people, but when it’s only the two of them, he can show his true colors, his true personality. After she met his future self, she immediately noticed that he had finally lost his shyness but was still her dear younger brother at heart.

Right now, though, she wished that he would stop being this childish around her and give up his attempt at fleeing out of her sight.

“No! No, Mipha! Please, let go of me!”, he cried pleadingly and tried to wiggle out of her grasp, as she led him through a crowd of Zora, who were waiting for their King’s laudatory speech, but she was quite persistent.

“You know very well that I cannot do that. Father will be disappointed if you run away again. You do not wish for him to be upset, do you?”

He shook his head and whispered “No, of course not”, in defeat. They continued down the throne room to the fountain, where he somehow managed to jump onto the cold stone and dip his hands into the fresh water pooling out of the faucet. They stood by the fountain for quite some time, when suddenly Sidon jumped up and dashed down the stairs to the storage room, where a shrine was located and some of their unused weapons had been stored until the outbreak of the Calamity. In this exact moment Muzu walked by and witnessed the whole spectacle as it played out right in front of him.

The small prince bounced around the chamber like a stranded fish and Mipha watched with dread as he disappeared behind the shrine and stopped running. Only clinks could be heard, metal on metal, which made her worry even more.

“Sidon? Sidon, are you alright?”, she asked.

The silence lasted for several moments, until she got her answer. “Yeah, I found this really cool thing over here. You need to see it!”

Now even Muzu was alerted, so he sprinted to where the prince’s voice was coming from and got into an offensive stance. He and Mipha must have had the same suspicions because she was still on edge about everything that had happened not even a week ago. The Calamity’s minions could still be hiding in the shadows, lurking around Hyrule, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike at anyone who dares to approach them.

Muzu then simply nodded to her and pulled a knife out of nowhere, then he rounded the corner and told Sidon: “Let me see what you have.”

“A trident!”, exclaimed her brother happily and held up the item so she could see it. But Mipha wasn’t really happy about the fact that her younger brother was holding an unsafe weapon in his hands and she practically threw herself at him to snatch it from his grasp.

“NO-!”, cried the princess and nearly got hold of the tip of the weapon, before Sidon jumped out of her reach and ran off. Muzu was dumbfounded for a second, until he snapped out of his daze.

“May Hylia help us all”, he sighed and joined Mipha in her fight to steal the trident from the prince.

King Dorephan was quite surprised when he heard the story from his trusted councilman, who had come straight to him after they finally got the trident back. They, of course, secured it somewhere, in the deepest depths of Zora’s Domain, where Sidon might never find it again.

Then the king laughed, and everyone got grounded for a week. Even poor Muzu.

Chapter Text

The preparations for the upcoming attack were underway and the Yiga were nervously awaiting further instructions from their master, who was currently missing. Their guest, a gloomy Hylian, who had probably never heard the word ‘sun' before, tried to hide from their master's right-hand man Sooga that he was so close to becoming a nervous wreck. The preparations did not go exactly how they had planned and now the unexpected absence of the leader of the attack made it even more obvious, that they cannot continue like this.

Why did Kohga have to leave now, of all times?

Astor was well aware that his sanity had left him ages ago, but he did not really care about that. Sanity is overrated, anyway. The downside was that his patience was wearing and if the masked fool did not come back soon, he was afraid, he might lose his cool. Although the future was pretty much set in stone, there was still a chance for their enemy to win the war.

Normally he could not care less about the Yiga Clan’s fate, but he needed their support to carry out the Calamity's wishes, as he alone would never be able to do so. Even though they were willing to fight alongside him, for now, that did not mean they would not turn on him as soon as they put two and two together and figured out his greater scheme. He fumbled around the sickly glowing Giant Ancient Core in his hands and cast a glance at Sooga, who was currently studying a map of Akkala.

“Did you figure out a battle plan already?”, he wondered. The assassin seemed to have a vast knowledge of strategies and tactics, which was why Kohga had ordered him to sit down and come up with one. He only saw one problem. They already knew that they are going to lose against the Hylian troops and their allies, just like they had lost every single confrontation before, but that did not stop them from trying.

Sooga paused for a moment, then he looked up at him and shrugged. “Yes, but there is one major issue that I need to think through right now.”

As he did not elaborate any further and remained silent, the Hylian approached the table, peeked at the huge map in front of them and prompted him to continue, “And that would be…?”

“We haven't discovered a way yet to transport enough bananas to the citadel. It might take some time to think through this properly”, Sooga explained in a neutral tone, as if it was the most obvious and relatable reason in the world.

“Ban- Bananas. Really?”

Astor could not believe what he had just heard.

“You see, they are our only source of food, seer. We cannot go without them. Not now, not ever.”

He must be kidding. How did the Yiga Clan even grow so strong if all they ever consumed was bananas? Surely, there must be some other foods they eat, right? Oh, no. What if Sooga was not lying and that is truly all they wanted to eat?

The look on his face must have revealed what was on his mind, as Sooga confirmed his suspicions: “It is the truth. If you do not believe me, then go ask our master.”

And where exactly might your beloved master be? That wretched, old, pathetic…

As if sensing his thoughts, Sooga told him: “Master Kohga went out to eat a banana.” Or two. Or more.

But they were having an important meeting here. How can a mere banana be more important than the upcoming battle? Have they all lost their mind?!

There is no way Kohga was merrily munching on bananas, while they should be discussing bigger issues, such as strategies and stuff, in the conference room.

“Alright.” With that said, Astor stormed off to declare a ban of all food from the meetings. To say that Kohga was devastated, is an understatement.

Not even a week later:

“Sooga. I told you once, and I told you again. No eating on the job. If I catch one more person eating bananas, you’re dead.”

The sound of someone peeling open a banana could be heard from the hallway. Then Sooga stepped into the room, holding, of course, one of these adored fruits in his hand. The seer could only close his eyes in exasperation and mumble something unintelligible.

Sooga looked up at the sound and whispered, “Oh, no.”

“Oh, no”, Astor repeated while shaking his head in disappointment.

Suddenly Kohga burst through the wall, holding up a mighty banana. “OH, YEAH!”

Right behind him stood two Yiga novices who were skillfully balancing a large amount of bananas in their arms. Astor walked out of the room, mumbling threats under his breath.

“I swear, one day I’m going to kill both of them.”

Chapter Text

King Rhoam cast a disapproving glance at his daughter, as soon as she and Impa entered the throne room, which she noticed immediately. She had just returned from the laboratory and was tired from her research, but she was determined to not show her fatigue to her father. Despite her weariness and with her head held high, she approached him and addressed him in her most formal tone, “Good evening, father.”

“Good evening, Zelda”, he said and gave her a curt nod, “You have been avoiding me for the past days and it seems that we need to talk about a very important matter.”

Then he added, “Would you please be so kind and leave us alone, dear Champions and Impa?”

As soon as the hall was empty, he offered her to take a seat next to the throne. While she adjusted her seat so they could talk to each other face to face, he studied her. The first thing he noticed was how tired she looked. Her eyes did not hold any of their previous shine and her expression was so serious that she seemed way older and wiser that she was.

“How did your visit to the spring fare? I was informed by Impa that it remained fruitless.”

Zelda stiffened for a split second, before she answered him, “She spoke the truth. I am afraid I did not receive any signs that my power might be awakening soon.”

Her heartbroken tone spoke volumes. If there was only one way for him to help her carry her burden, he would have already done so, but right now she was the only one with the ability to seal away the ever faster approaching Calamity.

“But I was able to help our scientists find a new way to teleport our troops across the land. Surely, that will further aid us in our fight against evil”, she continued after several minutes of silence.

“Oh. I take it that you were wasting your time with the Shiekah again, no? You should not do that. Did I not forbid you from visiting them the last time we had this conversation?”

He sighed, before he continued sternly, “The people are talking. And that started at the very beginning of your studies at the laboratories. Do you know how the gossip mongers refer to you? They are out there at this moment whispering amongst themselves… that you are the heir to a throne of nothing… nothing but failure. It is woven into your destiny that you prove them wrong. Do you understand?

“Yes. I understand.” Zelda scowled at his harsh words but did not seem very shocked by them.

“I do not care if they like it or not, they do not have to give up their passion, they do not have to go to all those cold springs and return ill and hopeless. I always, always do my best. There is just… nothing more I can do. That is exactly why I try to make up for it and help our scientists in the laboratory.”

Her father simply looked at her. “I did not say bad things about your little science projects. I said that I do not think that focusing on them is good for you and that they are a waste of your precious time.”

“How do you know what is good for me?!”, Zelda cried out all of a sudden.

“That is my opiNION!!”, the king shouted furiously from the top of his lungs, an action that made the walls of the throne room tremble. From the other side of the door Impa and the Champions looked at each other in confusion.

After King Rhoam calmed himself, he said in an unexpectedly pleading tone, “Do you not get it, why can I not have an opinion about my own daughter? Do you not get it? That is my opinion. I do not care about what some people think about you, because you are my dear daughter.”

“Then why do you not tell them this to their face? Why do you not just say to them, ‘I do not think you are right. Leave this out of it, leave my daughter out of it.’?”

The king put a hand on her shoulder to let her know that he will think about it at least. “I will talk to them. Though, you should always remember, they are the people we have sworn to protect. I cannot order them to keep quiet, but I can make them aware of the fact that their gossip reached the royal family.”

He looked at his daughter for one last moment, before he left the room with the words, “Please, do not forget about the vital importance of your duties. I expect you to obtain your power soon enough. Now go and take a rest, my dear Zelda. You need it.”

Chapter Text

Link was casually strolling through the castle, when he heard excited voices coming from the library. He did not mean to eavesdrop, but the people talking were clearly not trying to respect any library’s guidelines about keeping it quiet.

One of the voices was clearly louder than the others, who soon shut up to listen to their comrade. “Oh, I bet you have no idea what I just learned about the cycle of the Triforce! Hylia’s soul is destined to be reincarnated as the princess once in a hundred years, just like hero, to fight against the forces of Demise. He was the one who placed this curse upon them, you know? Well, last night I heard the princess’ advisor talk about the hero of legend and how they must find him soon, which means that the prophecy might come true any time now. There is this evil Ganon guy, the one you have already heard about I hope, and he’s also bound to the goddess’ and hero’s souls, because he’s the Demon King’s lackey and wants to-”

“We already know that, lad. We’re not stupid. Get to the point already!”, someone interrupted him rudely, followed by noises of agreement. They were clearly growing impatient and Link, too, wanted to hear what exactly he wanted to tell them.

“Oh, alright”, the first voice said, “The thing is, I wanted to inform you of the fact that Ganon, or at least many of his reincarnations absolutely hated the goddesses, the heroes, the royal family, but mostly the princesses. He must be delusional or something, because I don’t see a single reason why he should hate them more than the heroes he actually faced in battle. Yes, I know she’s the one who seals him away in the end, but it is always her he wants to get rid of every time he’s reborn and not the hero of legend. Does anyone have an explanation for this?”

Silence. Then someone said, “He’s either dumb, sexist, just has some questionable preferences or all of the above.”

“I’d say all of the above”, one of them stated.

“Yeah”, another one agreed.

As they seemed to have said everything that was of interest to Link, he continued his walk through the halls, having already forgotten about the rather pointless conversation he had overheard moments ago.

It was the evening of the final battle.

The weird Hylian they had come across before had been consumed by his corrupted harbinger-egg-thingy and the two of them had merged into Calamity Ganon. The Calamity had taken control of their own three-legged egg and little Terrako had been attacking them until they destroyed it, and then Zelda was left mourning over the broken shell of her trusted egg. The calamity did not seem to care as it observed them with burning hatred in its eyes.

Link knew that this was not how you should treat a princess and could not tolerate this abuse any longer. For the first time in weeks he opened his mouth and shouted at the gruesome malice-infested beast in front of him with all the fury he could muster, “How dare you…! All Zeldas are princesses!”

“If she breathes, she’s a thooo-!”, Calamity Ganon appeared around the corner and summoned a sword out of thin air. Malice was dripping from his huge weapon as it ran towards Link with rapid strides. And then the Calamity simply stomped onto Link and squished him like a bug. Beedle would be so mad at this choice of metaphor.

The princess was not able to seal the raging Calamity away on her own, since all that was left of the hero was a bloody stain on the grass.

And then they all died.

The end.

Chapter Text

With the emergence of the egg guardian, the mysterious Sheikah Slate had begun to function, and it was up to the Sheikah researchers to unravel its mysteries. Amongst them were Purah and Robbie, two overly enthusiastic, young scientists that had befriended the princess who visited them regularly. They had found many useful abilities of the Slate, such as stasis, cryonis, magnesis and a camera, and were now searching for many more that might be still hidden somewhere in its core.

Purah had to do research on the new module they had recently discovered. They were now able to capture moved pictures along with the audio and it was Purah’s mission to test how it worked exactly. That was why she decided to use the teleportation module and travel to the Eldin Tower, which she had been waiting to visit for days after discovering this feature. It had been impossible to warp to another location that was so far away until only a few days ago. Not only had it been time consuming, but very exhausting as well. Now it was not anymore.

Purah picked the Slate from the table it was lying on and tapped at the screen. As soon as it was switched on and the Sheikah symbol disappeared, she opened the map and tapped onto the tower she wanted to visit. She had already told her colleague and her sister where she was going and, since she had already taken a few precautions (such as drinking an elixir for fire resistance and packing some more bottles of it into a small bag), she confirmed her destination once more.

She dissolved into blue streaks of light which transported the matter of her body to the Eldin Tower, where they pieced her together. After teleporting like this for the first time, everyone felt a little nauseated from the sudden change in altitude, air density, humidity and temperature, but as someone who had done this several times before she got used to it. The heat was welcoming after a long day in the rather dark, cold laboratory, and she could still see the rays of sunlight peak through the Dueling Peaks.

She stepped up to the rim of the tower and activated the camera module.

That was when she spotted something quite peculiar.

Right under the tower was Lake Ferona was a beautiful spring which was well-known for its pleasantly hot water. Many sought out its healing powers, for it could heal all physical wounds and was even rumored to be able to help a troubled soul.

Right now, though, two Rito were sitting there and Purah immediately recognized them.

“Look who’s taking a break from bragging to the whole world how perfect he is, by bragging to his one and only fanboy from the future! I must show this to Robbie. He’ll be sooo amused”, she whispered to herself and readied the Slate to take a picture.

If someone had seen her, she thought, they must have held her for a weirdo, or even a stalker, because there she was, cackling to herself, while filming two seemingly random guys, singing, “Two birds chillin’ in a hot spring. Five feet apart, cause they’re not gay!”

Then she watched the whole footage again and grinned proudly. “This is perfect blackmail-material.”

She then showed the animated pictures to Robbie and Impa.

To put it simply, Robbie was amused, Impa was not.

Chapter Text

Zelda was desperate.

They had defeated the Calamity and won the war months ago, but she was still struggling to accommodate herself to the role of part princess, part scholar, part deity and part advisor for her father, who had finally accepted her request to work beside the Sheikah in the royal laboratories.

She could still not believe that they had averted the apocalypse successfully, as well as triggered the awakening of her abilities. Her countless prayers had been answered by Hylia, at least. Her gratitude was with her loyal friends, the Champions, without whom she would have never been able to save Hyrule.

Closest to her was Urbosa, who always reminded her of what little she remembered about her mother, who had passed away nearly eleven years ago. The Gerudo knew how to handle her mood swings, her sometimes hot temper, and would go lengths to make sure her ‘little bird' was safe.

Daruk was like a big brother – or more like a caring uncle – to her and always knew how to lighten up the mood when necessary.

Mipha, the kindest and probably most selfless person in all of Hyrule, was also one of them. Zelda had often found herself harboring jealous thoughts toward the talented princess who knew how to use her abilities and hold her own in battle, but after her own powers had finally emerged, she found herself genuinely enjoying the shy Zora's company.

And then there was Revali, acrobat of the skies and best archer in all of Hyrule, his skill only overshadowed by his ego. However, she was aware that it was all for show, to make up for what he thought he was lacking compared to the others. Behind his cocky attitude lay a kind and brave soul hidden, that would never let a chance pass by to assist someone in need of his help.

Last but not least there was Link, the Hero of Legend who carries the Blade of Evil's Bane, her appointed knight. He was always following her around, as that was the job assigned to him by her own father, but he was quite pleasant to be around, so she didn't mind as much as some would believe.

As she was thinking about them, it dawned on the princess that the champions must be already waiting for her to arrive at the gardens.

“I cannot stand this anymore! Every time someone looks at me, I can see the high expectations they have of me! I am not perfect! My decisions are nowhere nearly infallible, nor wise!” Her hand were balled to fists and she had started to tremble, while speaking to the five Champions and Terrako in front of her.

"I fear that one day the people will finally wake up and think that I tricked them into believing I was a good monarch. I fear they might start hating me for what I am not. Although there is one thing that might never change.”

Zelda then turned away from her friends and whispered, “No one will ever be able to hate me more than I already hate myself.”

Yet the words were loud and clear enough for the others to overhear them. Urbosa immediately sprinted towards her to hug and comfort her.

Daruk said empathetically, “What's that? You don't mean that now, do ya?”

“Your Highness, we must disagree. You have no right to think of yourself so poorly!”, Mipha sided with him, and Revali nodded to show his agreement with his fellow Champions.

Terrako stepped up to Zelda, “Daddy?”, could be read on the translation module of the Sheikah Slate.

Zelda looked down at it and wheezed, her bad mood fading away quickly. She gave it one playfully skeptical look, as if to say 'Do I look like-?', and patted it on its head.

Then Impa scolded the troublesome teapot for making a nuisance of itself and Link quickly snatched the egg away.

When everyone was occupied with something or talking to each other again, Revali sighed and shook his head.

“How asinine.”

Chapter Text

One day, Calamity Ganon went on a simple, innocent walk through the Hyrulean landscape hoping to find one particular person with a big fascination for monsters, who had been last spotted near a lake in Akkala. He was in need of something and it was urgent, so he decided to travel there as an energy ball with breakneck speeds, but he couldn't find the person he was looking for. Instead he found someone else.

The Sheikah monk in service of the Goddess Hylia had been following him around and watching his every step since he was freed by the Hero in Lanayru. The monk probably wasn't aware that he could sense him from afar, as he never bothered to increase the distance between them, but the Calamity did not mind. He did not mind at all to be honest, because the monk did not dare approach nor bother him.

At this moment, though, he was contemplating if he should ask him whether he knew where to find this mysterious merchant or stay silent and proceed searching by himself. He stopped for a minute and tilted his head in the monk’s direction (or to where he could sense his presence most), pondering, and pondering, and pondering.

This was ridiculous. He was the great Calamity Ganon, Hatred and Malice Incarnate, scourge of Hyrule and most loyal underling of Demise, and yet here he was,     p o n d e r i n g     over whether he should ask for help or not, and from a Sheikah monk, too.

He was confused and he hated feeling confused. He hated everything right now. If he could only unleash his wrath upon Hyrule once more… The Calamity sighed and continued his pointless search, visiting every region in Hyrule, where there were no people to disturb him (or get disturbed by him), until several hours later the sound of someone clearing their throat interrupted his thoughts.

“What is your ulterior motive, beast?”, asked the monk.

“That is none of your business, monk”, answered the beast telepathically.

They glared daggers at each other. The Sheikah had apparently teleported himself next to the Calamity to catch him off guard and was now pleased that it had worked. His counterpart frowned and decided to just ignore him, which did not suit him at all.

“Do not turn your back on me, beast. I watched you wander these lands aimlessly. Have in mind that I have no intention to send you back to the underworld today, but that might as well change soon if you do not answer my questions truthfully. Now, speak. What are you doing here? What are you searching for?”

“I said, that is none of your business. Neither will I listen to one of Hylia’s scrawny pawns nor will I let myself be ordered around by anyone other than the Demon King.”

“You… You have no right to besmirch the name of Her Grace! Take that back!”, Maz Koshia would have shouted in rage if the ethereal quality of his voice hadn’t dampened the tone, while the Calamity remained deceivingly calm and composed. The only sign indicating his growing annoyance was the unusually bright glow of his eyes.

“No, I don’t think I will.”

Maz Koshia nearly reeled backwards but was able to stop himself from actually standing up. “How foolish. I will never get how anyone can be so devoted to the very spirit that wants to wreak havoc upon the world.”

“And that is exactly why we will always face each other in battle as opponents, never as allies. You are a servant of the Goddess, and I am not. I will always dedicate my existence to Demise, and you will not. There is too much difference between us for one to understand the motives of other. That is, why revealing my intentions to you is meaningless, as you might not be able to comprehend their importance to me. Now, I must ask of you to leave me alone before my patience wears out or else you may face my wrath in battle. Your choice.”

Silence fell upon them while the monk thought about it intensely, until he suddenly addressed the Calamity with the most out of context question one could think of at this moment, “Has anybody ever told you that you look like a boar?”

Taken aback by the unexpected question, the Calamity hesitated before he sent his message mentally to the monk, “No, they usually tell me I look like the Great Calamity Ganon.”

Maz Koshia then asked him in a slightly amused tone, “Who in Hylia's name is this ‘Great’ Calamity Ganon?”

“Me, monk.”

Both stood (and floated) in silence for a few minutes, until Maz Koshia spoke up again, “Very well. Has anybody ever told you that you look like the Calamity?”

The Calamity nodded frantically at that and muttered his incomprehensible agreement. Maz Koshia laughed his ethereal laugh, which made the Calamity chuckle silently.

The monk continued his questioning, “So, what is it that you are searching for?”

“You are quite persistent, are you not? Since you cannot keep your Sheikah nose out of my business, I might as well tell you. I am in need of hard monster parts and I asked several merchants on the streets if they have some to offer, but all I got was soft parts. Then I asked the people at a stable and I was told there is a Hylian merchant selling these, but he tends to travel to new locations at night and disappears during the day. Last night he was seen in Akkala, which is why I went there first to check for him.”

He could not quite picture Calamity Ganon simply approaching people and asking them weird questions. “What did they give you?”

“Various monster parts. They told me they were hard, but they were all soft”, the Calamity explained and showed him the still beating heart of a Bokoblin he must have kept in an invisible pocket. The monk held a confused stance and he looked at the heart, at his companion and then at the heart again, as if he was still trying to figure out where the Calamity had stored the organ.

“What did you say you want?”

Calamity Ganon did not notice his staring and said, “Hard materials. Like Lizalfos horns and Hinox toenails. Even a Molduga’s scales would suffice.”

“So, you like hard”, Maz Koshia concluded.

“Yes.”

“Instead of soft.”

“Yes. I prefer hard over soft. I guess it depends on where the materials come from and what I need them for”, explained the Calamity.

Maz Koshia laughed again, when he realized that the Calamity didn't get the innuendos and just stared at the Sheikah as sheepishly as a giant, gooey pig-demon-abomination can look.

“By Hylia.”

Random thoughts:
Calamity: “If I were a girl, my name would be Alice. Because that's like Malice, but without the M.”

Chapter Text

It was quite a nice day. The weather was nice, the sun was shining and it wasn't as cold as it normally was at this time of the year. Only a cool breeze from the northwest was evidence of the approaching winter.

On top of a low hill in Hyrule Field was a person observing their surroundings with a blank canvas in one hand and a palette in the other hand. This person was none other than Pikango, the infamous artist of the Sheikah tribe. Beside him stood an easel in the tall grass, waiting for him to set the canvass down, but he seemed far too lost in his thoughts to do anything.

If only there was a way to capture the breathtaking view in front of him.

When he decided to become a painter, one of his motivations was to visit every extraordinary place in Hyrule, create a masterpiece that portrayed the landscape perfectly and present his works to the people. That way he wanted to show them the overwhelming beauty of Hyrule, for many of them probably never had the chance to witness such perfection.

That is how he got to meet new people; wayfarers just like him.

One of them was a jolly fellow, a merchant who did not seek the beauty of nature but that of insects and other crawly, multi-legged vermi- err, bugs. But the merchant was more than willing to trade painting utensils for any insects Pikango could catch, and that is how they became good friends. Last time they saw each other they had decided to meet right here, in close proximity to a shrine that was surrounded by various flowers. The odd structure must have somehow lost its yellow glow and changed it into a blue one, because the week prior to this it had looked different. Then he remembered it must have been the Hylian boy he met some days ago that was always surrounded by an air of mystery. He must be the cause of this, for sure, he thought.

While Pikango was waiting for his comrade, he decided to explore his surroundings. On his way to the shrine, he had spotted a small group of Bokoblins and Moblins who were apparently nursing their battle-wounds, because all of them looked extremely beat-up, and even more pissed off. He genuinely didn't want to know what had happened to them. They must have run into serious trouble and he couldn't say he felt bad for them.

Only a few minutes later Beedle came into view, as happy as ever, and he raised one arm at the painter to call him merrily. “Bring the beetles in!”

Pikango perked up at his arrival and practically rushed at him with a sack full of insects on his back. “Anything for you, Beedle!”

But Beedle was at the other end of the flower field and he had to cross the distance somehow. He also wasn't aware of the fact that they were being spied on by one particular person whose self-appointed task it was to watch over the flowers. Which is why, when he sprinted over this special flower field, he spotted someone in the shadow of a tree lunging at him and for the first time he met the infamous Flower Lady, Magda. Or rather her ire.

“Aargargahhraragharahhh...!”, he screamed from the top of his lungs, as he immediately changed his course to get away from her.

But the Flower Lady was fast, very fast. Faster than him, even, because it seemed that an evil, ancient power lay hidden inside her, even more cursed that Ganon himself, while her ominous, hate-filled voice said, “Why are you running? Why are you running?!”

Pikango then picked up his pace and ran faster than he had ever before, until he passed the mobs whose attention was focused elsewhere. But as soon as Magda came into view, they sprang up from their positions, grabbed their weapons with their bandaged limbs and charged at her.

The painter did not dare slow down until he was sure she was occupied defending herself from these creatures. When he thought he had finally lost his pursuer, he came to a halt and looked behind him. The Flower Lady was nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly a very catchy song rung through the air and when he turned around, he saw the red Bokoblins and Moblins dance with their arms held up high into the air. It was ridiculous.

It appeared that the mobs must have been previously attacked by Magda. Then they have sided against the crazy Flower Lady and were now asserting their dominance and their revenge at the same time with a catchy meme song and by stomping and jumping on the flowers, while Magda was probably throwing a fit somewhere nearby.

Pikango quickly picked up his stuff and ran over to Beedle, because he still had some bugs to trade for paint, oils, canvasses and high-quality brushes. He had been through enough for today and hoped it would not repeat itself anytime in the future.

Chapter Text

Riju was bored. Like, really bored.

She had recently returned from the past of the parallel universe, where she had helped her ancestors fight Ganon’s forces, and had now nothing better to do than overlook the uneventful daily routine of her people and hope for something interesting to happen. By ‘interesting’ she did not mean an attack on Gerudo Town by the remaining members of the Yiga Clan, nor a serious confrontation with an enraged Molduga. She was thinking about something small and simple that might lighten up her monotone everyday life a bit. Maybe a short race around the walls with Patricia, or she could even challenge Tali, the current Sand-Seal Racing champion, and her coach Shabonne.

Her most trusted friend and captain of the guard, Buliara, went on a patrol around Gerudo Town, which left her all on her own (if you do not count the women guarding her at the moment). Buliara was supposed to return in two hours approximately, but to her surprise she could see her already rushing to the palace. There was no way time could have flown by so quickly.

“Lady Makeela Riju!”

She immediately knew that something bad must have happened. Buliara never addressed her with her full name unless she had done something wrong.

That was why she decided to address her with her official title, as if to try and lessen Buliara’s trouble with her.

“Yes, captain?”

“A vai has reported that she had spotted suspicious activity going on near Kara Kara Bazaar. A faint light. Some of my guards speculate it might be of unnatural origin. I would like to further investigate it, but you shall have the last word in this. What do you suggest we do?”

Riju had expected to be scolded, although she had done absolutely nothing wrong in the past few days, but now she was surprised that her wish had been granted.

“That is a great idea, Buliara. I will permit you to examine the area around Kara Kara Bazaar, under one condition…”

The captain of the guard interrupted her straight away with disapproval, “No. I suggest you stay here and us guards take care of this abnormal activity.”

“But I want to help you! I am bored! I have nothing better to do than sit here on this throne day in and day out, doing nothing, while I could be out there with you and- “

“Your safety is more important than that! You are still quite young, and we need you for many years to come. You are very dear to us, Lady Riju. We – no – I would never forgive myself if something ever happened to you!”

“But I promise, it will not! I can take care of myself to go on a walk, as well as take a look at this light you have mentioned.”

“If you insist, Lady Riju. While I cannot change your mind, I can ensure your safety.”

Buliara offered her a hand, which she took, and then Riju stood up from her throne. They made their way to the oasis nearby and when they crossed a part of the desert, she could see what this vai and the guards were talking about.

There it was. A green, ghostly light sparkling in the distance like a mirage.

“I do not want to wake any unpleasant memories, but this reminds me of a description of the beast you have slain in the past. What was its name again?”

Riju immediately knew whom she was talking about and complained about said beast she and Lady Urbosa had faced in battle. “You probably mean Thunderblight Ganon. It was so annoying.”

Thunderblight Ganon then suddenly appeared out of nowhere and zoomed, zapped and cleared some really questionable – well, actually invisible – obstacles just to say in her face, “So, I heard you were talking shit about me.”

Riju could not process what had happened for a moment, before she raised her shield in defense and yelled, “whattHEFU- “

The Gerudo successfully subdued the blight, that had been insulted and had just wanted to defend its honor, because, no, it did not fancy to be described as ‘annoying’, thank you very much.

That was only what presumably the rest of the world thought of it.

Chapter Text

It was the most wonderful time of the year.

The time, when everyone would be like, “Hey, I've got presents to shop. I’ll have to do that today if I don't want to be in a hurry and look for gifts at the last possible moment. Argh, forget about it! Shopping can wait and I don't care if the stores are nearly empty and not a single potential present is left for me to buy it.” Christmas was slowly approaching and most races in Hyrule were awaiting the festivities with such eagerness, one might think it was all they ever cared about throughout the entire year, although many forget to purchase their gifts until three or two days before they have to give them to their beloved ones.

Revali was one of them.

The princess, her two advisors and the other champions had decided to host a party amongst themselves in honour of the four Goddesses and to celebrate winter’s darkest and longest day. It was to be held in Rito Village, the perfect location for a small gathering, with lots of snow and Christmas spirit, which reminded Zelda of the stories her mother had told her years ago. The Rito may not believe in magic, but they do embrace the holiday spirit as best as they can, because it helps lighten up the mood and strengthen the bonds between individuals.

Revali did not really care about that, since he had always been the type to focus on himself and his strengths and more importantly, his weaknesses, rather than go out and socialise with the other Rito. His one and only wish has been ever since he could remember to improve his skills in order to surpass everyone else and show them what he was truly made of and that you should never judge a book by its cover.

This year, however, he decided to partake in the festivities, but only because the princess’ lapdog was supposed to come, too. He did not want to leave out even a single opportunity to challenge him and make him look like the pathetic knight he was in his view. The only downside was that Urbosa was most likely going to defend the knight and lash out at Revali instead. He knew he had no chance against her sharp wit and her ever deadlier words, which was why he decided he was going to give his best and make this the most memorable time of the year for all of them.

He only had to find the perfect presents for everyone, but the celebration was scheduled for tomorrow.

Oh, joy.

With nothing left to lose, he visited every shop in the village – there was only one – and spoke to the stable personnel and every traveling merchant currently residing in Hebra, but to no avail. None of them had interesting items that qualified in his critical eye as worthy enough for his guests.

While Revali was returning from the stable back to Rito Village, he suddenly heard a faint noise. A voice.

Singing.

Christmas songs.

Perplexed he turned around in his flight and neared the source of the mysterious sounds, where a giant flower-like pool surrounded by mushrooms and plants stood. He could feel something big approaching the surface from deep beneath the water level as the singing got louder and the lyrics clearer, until all of a sudden, a giant woman, who had a striking resemblance to Hylians, emerged from the water. Only the upper half of her body could be seen and her appearance reminded him of the wild berries and roses that can be found in the colder regions of Hyrule.

“~All I want for Christmaaas is youuu, babeee! All I want for Christmaaas is~,” she became aware of her audience, “Oh, hello.”

She quickly took notice of his incredulous, yet frightened stare and waved at him hesitatingly.

“Hell, no,” was all he could choke out, before he turned on his heels and started to charge up his signature gale.

The woman, however, had other things on her mind as she prompted him to stay, “No, wait!”

Revali decided to give her a chance, at least to explain if he was truly seeing things or not, he cancelled his gale, straightened up and turned around to face her once more.

“What? What do you have to say to me? Who are you? What are you even? I've never seen someone like you before. Is this an illusion?”

The giant lady, amused by his attitude and silly questions, huffed out a laugh and answered, “An illusion? My, it seems the Rito have already forgotten about my humble existence in Tabantha near the Hebra Mountains. My name is Kaysa and I am a Great Fairy. I watch over this region and I can help you with anything you want if you have enough rupees.”

“No, thank you. I don't need anything,” Revali stressed and took a few steps backwards. But the fairy wasn't insulted by his obvious distrust and continued her questioning.

“Are you sure about that? I have a feeling that something might be troubling you. If you do not tell me, what it is, I cannot help you.”

“It's nothing, really. I can solve this problem myself.”

The fairy perked up at his words and a mischievous smile spread across her face, “So, there is a problem?”

“No- I mean, yes- but, uh...,” Revali was conflicted whether he should inform her of his struggles or not.

“Let me guess. You are looking for gifts for your friends, am I correct?” she asked, “I can help you with that.”

“Wait, what? How did you know-?”

She let out a melodious laugh and explained to him, “It is quite obvious, little Rito, because ages ago I have had so many visitors who would beg me to come up with presents and summon them with magic. I am quite experienced with that, too. I even have the perfect idea what you could give your friends if it is your goal to make it as special as it can possibly get.”

“Eh- yes!” he nearly shouted at the prospect of having found the presents for his guests. Though he was not aware what the Great Fairy intended to do with him. She picked him up, while giggling slyly, and dove back into her home, singing.

“All I want for Christmaaas is yooouuuuuu!”

The next morning Daruk was the first to enter the hut that had been prepared for their festivities where he found something peculiar under the tree. A package, big enough to house a Hylian – or a small Rito –, lay next to several tiny packages, and Daruk could swear, he saw the big one move. He quickly left the hut and joined the other champions, who were still waiting for Revali. They had not seen nor heard of the pilot of Vah Medoh since yesterday, which was unusual, but they thought he might be tired after the preparations for their party and was still sleeping.

Daruk did not want to alarm his friends, but he told them of the moving package nevertheless, so they went to investigate it.

What a surprise it had been, when an indigo blue Rito tore himself free from the big package and glared at every single one of them with a glimmer in his eyes that said something along the lines of ‘Don't you dare laugh at me.’

At least his wish had been granted that this day would go down in history... but probably as the most embarrassing in his whole life. Poor bird.

Surprisingly, Monk Maz Koshia and even the now somewhat neutral Calamity had been invited to join them in their festivities. The Calamity did not want to go at first, as was expected of him, because they would be celebrating the Goddesses he had sworn to destroy, but Maz Koshia was positive that he could be swayed.

He even managed to convince him to stay until everyone but them got their presents. Ganon really seemed out of place among the heroes as he had stood sulking in the shadows throughout the entire party, glaring daggers at anyone who would invade his personal space that had a ridiculously large radius. The only thing he would communicate to them was, “You better watch out. You better watch out. You better watch out! YOU BETTER WATCH OUT! YOU BETTER WATCH-!”, until Maz Koshia had taken pity on the beast and offered him to go somewhere quiet and peaceful. The Calamity only grunted his response that the monk assumed was an ‘Okay'.

He took his counterpart by the wrist and teleported them to a forest in a much warmer region. The Calamity shot him a quizzical look, but Maz Koshia simply prompted him to stay quiet and follow him, as he floated deeper into the forest. It was dark and the tree crowns were blocking out the moon and the stars, but this was the habitat of Sunset Fireflies and their glow was more than enough to bathe their surroundings in a greenish light.

The monk had attempted to strike up a proper conversation with the Calamity before and had asked him, “Is there anything else you want to tell the people tonight?”

Ganon had answered with a deadpan expression, “My favourite colour is blood,” and had simply walked away.

“Alright,” the Sheikah had decided not to press him any further than that until the time was right.

Which was now.

They arrived at a clearing where small animals were preparing to set out for their nocturnal hunt. Near a very thick and old tree Maz Koshia lowered himself to the ground and knocked three times on the wood. At first, nothing happened. Then, four tiny creatures came racing out of a well-hidden tunnel between the roots, squeaking with delight at the sight of the old Sheikah.

The Calamity immediately recognised what they were.

The young boars immediately recognised what Calamity Ganon was supposed to resemble.

They were cautious at first, contemplating on if he would bring harm to them or not, but since the friendly, floating creature did not mind this stranger's presence, they deemed him safe, even though every young boar had the instinct to flee at the sight of an unknown creature. The bravest dared to approach him and sniffle at his feet, because the malice he was made of probably triggered their curiosity, once their flight instinct settled down.

Calamity Ganon backed off a few steps, so he could properly kneel down without crushing these precious bundles of cuteness, and lowered one hand to the grass with his palm facing upwards. The tiny creature hopped over to him and sniffled at his hand and then at his wrist, before the piglet bounced onto his palm and let out little squeaks of joy at the unnatural but interesting consistency of his flesh.

The beast brought the little animal closer to his face to study it in silent awe. It looked at him with its big, round eyes and it oinked energetically. Suddenly, it stretched its neck to sniffle the Calamity's face, and the beast gasped softly in astonishment. He felt a connection build between him and the little striped boar.

Ganon glanced over to Maz Koshia who was cuddling a piglet and had another one sleeping peacefully on his lap, while the fourth one was running laps around them in delight. It was very late and the little ones were surely tired, even though three of them showed no fatigue at the moment. Maz Koshia explained to him that they must have lost their sounder weeks ago and that he had been checking on them, feeding them and looking for their relatives ever since he had found them alone in the woods. They were farrowed at the wrong time, in the wrong season, and had to endure the cold weather, but the winter was mild in this region and they had a bigger chance at survival if his companion kept coming here to help them grow.

He would never admit it, but he felt a spark of gratitude in his core for the Sheikah monk's compassion towards the piglets. They remained there in silence for a few more minutes, until the striped piglets were sleepy and it was time for them to return to the party.

When they teleported back to Rito Village, both waited for the other to join the celebrations first. Then, both decided to enter the room at the same time and when they did so, the whole room turned around to watch them with wide eyes as if they were expecting something disastrous to happen.

Calamity Ganon was confused, until he looked up and saw the cause for their reactions. Above his and the Sheikah's head hung a mistletoe and when he looked at his companion, who had just come to the same realisation, he sent him a telepathic message.

“Don't even think about it, monk.”

Yunobo decided to not just stand around like a lost puppy, but greet everyone at the party. His ancestor and idol had encouraged him to go and talk to a few people, but the young Goron did not really want to. Most of the conversations he had so far had turned awkward real quick, and he thought it would be best for him to just shut his loud mouth and let the people enjoy this evening.

He approached the Zora siblings, greeted them with, “Merry crmus!” and waved at them sheepishly.

Before they could reply, he was already next to the Rito warriors, who were joking around and discussing their village's future.

“It's chrismun!” he exclaimed happily and moved on towards the Gerudo in this room.

A overly cheerful, “Merry crisis!” was thrown in Lady Urbosa's and Lady Riju's direction, which earned him a few confused glances, but he couldn't see them as he was already next to Daruk, the Hylian knight and the princess.

“Merry Chrysler!”, he announced with a wide smile that was wiped off his face, when Daruk slammed a hand onto his back with more force that necessary. Princess Zelda returned his greeting in a formal manner while Link only nodded at him with a grunt.

“Merry Christmas to you too, Yunobo”, his idol said and embraced him with a bone-crushing hug.

After the weird scene with Yunobo, the Gerudo vais were spending quality time together, talking about Gerudo Town now and in the future and tattling about the Yiga Clan. Riju was more than eager to tell her great-grandmother about her numerous adventures with Patricia and how much she loved her loyal sand seal. Of course, she had to bring Patricia with her, but they had to lock her away in a spacious, comfy room that was appropriate for her, so that she would not have to freeze and catch a cold, because she was not used to the harsh climate in the Hebra Mountains.

Urbosa had caught on the girl's attachment to her sand seal the first time they had met and she wanted to show Riju how much she appreciated her efforts to help their people, by ordering a skilled Rito seamstress to make her something warm for the seal. Now she wanted to surprise her, excused herself and got up from the seat.

Teba was in charge of the facility and also held all the keys to the stables they had built for the horses and seals. She approached him and said, “Toss me the keys!”

To her surprise, he did not reach for the keys in his pockets, he actually went to the Christmas tree they had set up and decorated the previous day, and tossed it at where she was standing. Urbosa stepped aside and let the tree crash onto the floor like it was no-one's business.

“I said keys.”

Teba looked at her in “I thought you said Christmas tree.”

“Why in Hylia's name would I say Christmas tree?”, she asked him in complete bewilderment. Eventually he gave her what she had requested and Urbosa returned to the celebration followed by a proudly bouncing Patricia outfitted with a warm sweater, gloves on her fins and a fluffy scarf around her neck. Riju was so happy to see her.

Little Sidon was not allowed to join them, because there had been an incident the prior year. Link was visiting them as usual and had brought a neatly packed present for each of them with him. It seemed to the Zora princess that he was more relieved than ever to return to his second home and exchange what little words he decided to let his lips leave in her presence.

Sidon had not noticed that his sister's best friend had arrived at their domain, yet, which left them with more time for themselves, something that Mipha was pleased about. They talked, and talked, and talked, until tiny footsteps sounded from the stairs and Sidon caught sight of Link.

His sister spread her arms out and had shouted, “It is Christmas!”

Instead of charging at her, the little prince threw himself onto the floor and crawled the stairs downwards in a very odd and un-prince-like manner, screaming, “Christmaaas! I'm coming, Santa!”

King Dorephan had then decided to not let him accompany his sister to the Christmas party in the following year.

It was time for the heroes to take a picture. Purah and Robbie took the Sheikah Slate with them and were prompting the other guests to assume a position.

Terrako was racing between the legs of everyone present (except Calamity Ganon; if looks could kill, the small guardian would be defective again) and beeping at them to get ready. Some where protesting, some where checking their appearance in a shiny or mirrored surface, and the rest was shouting at each other, because no one had an idea where to stand and what pose would be the best.

“Where are we looking?”

“Take the picture already!”

“By Hylia, how embarrassing all of this is"

“WHERE ARE WE LOOKING?”

The camera snapped when no one was ready and the result resembled the picture Zelda and the champions had taken right before the outbreak of the Calamity when the photo module of the Slate had been first discovered.

No one was overly pleased about that.

In the Yiga Clan Hideout our favourite Twisted Trio was celebrating Christmas, too, because... tradition... and presents... and food! Yay!

The Yiga novices and the blademasters set the table at the dining hall and prepared their favourite foods with bananas, at the time their master returned from a mission in the desert.

Kohga settled in his seat at the head of the longest table and he heard feet shuffling behind him. Then his trusted right-hand-man bowed next to him and said, “Master Kohga, I am pleased to see your mission has gone well. I have brought you mighty bananas.”

Kohga nodded at that, “Thank you.”

Another person stepped up next to him, but Kohga did not make any effort to see who it was.

“And I brought you mur...”, a low voice whispered in his ear, but Kohga seemed to have his thoughts somewhere else and answered absent-mindedly.

“Thank you.”

“Mur-der!”, the sinister voice finished the sentence and laughed evilly.

Kohga registered the threat and gasped, “Astor, no-"

But before he could say anything else, his old friend pointed both tips of his katanas at the prophet's throat and growled menacingly.

That made the Hylian let out a nervous chuckle as he tried to reassure them, “I was just kidding! There is no need to impale me. I have planned to perform something for the entire clan tonight.”

Four Yiga novices step into the room, carrying a small piano, and they put it next to Kohga's table. As soon as the whole room was full and every Yiga was present, Astor sat on a stool and addressed the clan.

“Now I am going to perform a variation of a very famous Christmas song to get us in the mood for what is to come.”

He started playing a well-known melody and sang, “All I want for Christmas..."

Pang! He hit the piano keys dramatically.

“Your souls.”

And with that bold declaration he stood up and left the room, his cape fluttering threateningly in a warning to not piss him off.

In a different area of Hyrule a group of mobs sat in a circle around a small fireplace in a humbly decorated cave. They were huddled against each other to preserve some warmth and half of them were near to dosing off into sleep.

A tired lizalfos asked their neighbour, “What are we celebrating, again?”

Their neighbour was already asleep, so a blue moblin answered their question, “I dunno. Never heard of this holiday before.”

“What does Christmas even mean?”, asked their youngest member of the group, a small red bokoblin who was known for their insatiable curiosity.

“I don't care,” spoke the blue moblin again, “As long as we can have a nice gathering with lots of food and no pesky Hylians, Zora, Gorons, Rito or Gerudo to hunt us down, I'm not gonna question it.”

“Oh, okay,” the young red bokoblin said quietly.

No one spoke anything for several minutes, until an old white bokoblin wrinkled their nose and informed them that a Hylian was approaching the camp.

They did not intend to fight, as was their tradition on Christmas Eve and the following Christmas days, but lucky for them the Hylian had no intentions to fight them, too. He had an odd appearance and would fit more into their group than a settlement of his own kind. The strange Hylian approached them and asked if he could spend the night with them, and they accepted.

The mobs spent their time talking to him about various interesting things and learned some new facts about the world, while Kilton's wish had finally come true.

It was truly the most wonderful time of the year.

Guess, who finally got their copy of AoC!

Chapter Text

One lovely day Hestu was traversing the countryside surrounding Korok Forest in hope to cross paths with a wanderer to show them his newly ‘repaired' maracas full of 900 golden Korok seeds. The hero had helped him find the golden poop of his friends and fill them up again, and as a reward he promised to perform his favorite dances for the hero whenever he liked.

At this moment, the Hylian was probably making his way to the castle to help the princess, or he was fishing, or he was fighting, or he was totally not wasting his time doing every single side quest there is, before finally continuing the main story, before Zelda tires of watching him die over and over and over again. At least he was not obliged to find all the Koroks scattered across Hyrule to get 100% on his game file, but he did anyway. Wait, did somebody hear something break in the distance? Oh, that was the fourth wall, alright.

Hestu stepped outside the entrance to Korok Forest where the fog had slightly cleared. He saw a blue Rito sitting on a self-made swing between two trees on the fringe of the forest and staring longingly at the sky. Kass, he remembered, was his name. He was playing a song on his accordion, with no audience save the wind that would carry the melancholy tune. Hestu followed his gaze and caught sight of the Hebra Mountains. That was where the Rito lived in their cozy, little village, wasn’t it? The bard must be homesick, he thought.

Under normal circumstances Koroks try to avoid contact with other higher developed creatures as it is their duty to remain in the shadows and only reveal themselves to those chosen by the Goddesses. As he watched the blue Rito playing while lost in his thoughts, Hestu concluded that he must help him somehow. He settled on approaching him and striking up a conversation. It might have seemed too simple for any other person that was used to talking to other people, but for Hestu it was challenging enough. Kass was not the hero, he was certainly not the princess and he was not even a descendant of his people's Champion. The big Korok had to muster up a lot of courage, before he walked up to him, still hesitating.

“Shaka?” he addressed him with his catchphrase, “Why the long face, shaka-laka-la?”

Only then did Kass jolt out of his trance and fell backwards onto soft grass. He raised his head at the tall, looming broccoli in front of him. The sight must have been frightening, because he gave a startled cry and squished his accordion a tad too hard, which made it let out a loud, distorted sound. Quickly the Rito stood up and straightened his pose to restore some of his dignity. He was not sure how to answer the stranger and it took him a while to form a coherent sentence.

“Uh, greetings!”

The giant broccoli held out its arms and shook its shiny red maracas. “Hello, hello! I sensed your mood was down and I wanted to help you with whatever is troubling your mind, shaka.”

The Rito threw him a wide-eyed look and simply shook his head. “No, it is nothing of importance. I was merely thinking about my family. I have not visited home for a long time, and I miss my dear wife and our wonderful hatchlings. A lot,” he added with a sigh.

Then he eyed him once more and asked, “By the way, who are you? You can call me Kass and I am but a humble minstrel that strives to tell stories through the songs my teacher has taught me.”

“I am the one who brings song and dance to Korok Forest! Hestu!” the Korok introduced himself with a slight shake of his maracas and conjured up a rain of sparkly particles. Kass chuckled at the overly positive energy the Korok radiated in masses when he performed his signature dance.

“I see. That means the stories about mysterious creatures living in Korok Forest are true, then? Never would I have thought to meet one in person. I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Hestu.”

The walking broccoli bowed playfully before him at that and motioned him to follow. Kass did not fully trust him yet, but is curiosity got better of him and he complied. They strolled through the outskirts of the forest and listened to nature’s song, sung by the wind and the wildlife, until they reached a small clearing, where a tree had been chopped off (probably by lightning) and its remains resembled a stage.

Hestu stormed off to claim the stage as his for now, and dramatically held up his maracas to shout, “Shaka! Let us perform for the forest!”

‘Why not?’, crossed the Rito’s mind and he readied his fingers on the accordion.

“Well, what song do you have in mind? I can play anything, as long as you give me instructions.”

“Oh, oh, oh! I have an idea!”, exclaimed the Korok excitedly.

“Then, please, do tell me. I am curious to hear what you have thought up.”

“I was thinking…”

Several hours later Kass was screaming around like a lunatic while Hestu was drumming with one maraca and a frying pan. Kass' accordion lay forgotten on the wooden stage, while its owner was performing an ancient song by a singer that had once been very popular.

“…Kanny, are you okay? Are you okay, Kanny? Kanny, are you okay? Will you tell us, that you’re okay?”

Hestu threw his arms out and then held one of his maracas high up in the air when he sang the last lines of the chorus with all his remaining strength.

“You’ve been hit by- you’ve been struck by-“

“Watch out!”, Kass yelled suddenly.

*bzzzrrp-puhhh*

Lightning found its way to the maraca still in the air and struck the giant Korok, who in turn immediately caught fire. All Hestu could see right now was a black screen with the words ‘GAME OVER’ written in yellow.

Kass was left wondering in shock over a smoking pile of ash.

It would seem that Farore, the Goddess of courage (and also wind), was not pleased that one of her protégés made up their mind to mingle with a mere mortal and sent forth a lightning that scorched the big Korok to prevent him from further ridiculing himself.

Chapter Text

“Shots Fiyerd”

by Noble (1995)

Once upon a time there was a Guardian Stalker

It was going looking if it can see another Guardian

And then it saw another Guardian

And then it saw another Guardian

And then “POF”!

The Guardian got hit

Then the Guardian fiyerd back then

POW! POW! POW! POW! POW!

The Guardian Stalker got hit

Then the Guardian Stalker got mad

Then it fiyerd back and then

CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

POF, POW, CRACK, ZAP, ZOOP, SUBOOM, SPLAT, THERP, SONICKBOOM, SO-SONICKBOOM

POF, POW, CRACK, ZAP, ZOOP, SUBOOM, SPLAT, THERP, SONICKBOOM, SO-SONICKBOOM

POF POF, POW POW, CRACK CRACK, ZAP, ZAP, ZOOP, ZOOP, SU- SU- BOOM BOOM, SPLAT SPLAT, THERP THERP, SO- SO- NICK- NICK- BOOM BOOM, SO- SO- SO- SO- NICK- NICK- BOOM BOOM

POF, POW, CRACK, ZAP, ZOOP, SUBOOM, SPLAT, THERP, SONICKBOOM, SO-SONICKBOOM

POF, POW, CRACK, ZAP, ZOOP, SUBOOM, SPLAT, THERP, SONICKBOOM, SO-SONICKBOOM

POF POF, POW POW, CRACK CRACK, ZAP, ZAP, ZOOP, ZOOP, SU- SU- BOOM BOOM, SPLAT SPLAT, THERP THERP, SO- SO- NICK- NICK- BOOM BOOM, SO- SO- SO- SO- NICK- NICK- BOOM BOOM

The Guardian Stalker got hit

Then the Guardian fiyerd agin then “ZAP”

The Guardian got hit agin

Then the uther Guardian Stalker fiyerd then “ZOOP”

The Guardian Stalker got hit

Then the Guardian fiyerd agin then “SUBOOM”

The Guardian Stalker got hit agin

Then the Guardian Stalker fiyerd back and then “SPLAT”

The Guardian got hit

Then the Guardian fiyerd back and then “THERP”

The Guardian got hit

Then the Guardian Stalker fiyerd back and then

SO- SO- SONICKBOOM!

SONICKBOOM! SONICKBOOM! SONICKBOOM!

POF, POW, CRACK, ZAP, ZOOP, SUBOOM, SPLAT, THERP, SONICKBOOM, SO-SONICKBOOM

POF, POW, CRACK, ZAP, ZOOP, SUBOOM, SPLAT, THERP, SONICKBOOM, SO-SONICKBOOM

POF POF, POW POW, CRACK CRACK, ZAP, ZAP, ZOOP, ZOOP, SU- SU- BOOM BOOM, SPLAT SPLAT, THERP THERP, SO- SO- NICK- NICK- BOOM BOOM, SO- SO- SO- SO- NICK- NICK- BOOM BOOM

POF, POW, CRACK, ZAP, ZOOP, SUBOOM, SPLAT, THERP, SONICKBOOM, SO-SONICKBOOM

POF, POW, CRACK, ZAP, ZOOP, SUBOOM, SPLAT, THERP, SONICKBOOM, SO-SONICKBOOM

POF POF, POW POW, CRACK CRACK, ZAP, ZAP, ZOOP, ZOOP, SU- SU- BOOM BOOM, SPLAT SPLAT, THERP THERP, SO- SO- NICK- NICK- BOOM BOOM, SO- SO- SO- SO- NICK- NICK- BOOM BOOM

The Guardian got hit

And then the Guardian “BLOOEN UP”

Then it saw it planet

And it wus Jooputer

And it livd happily ever after

THE END

What no one knew was that the guardians had their own “secret language” which consisted of beeps only they could perceive… including Kass, who stormed in to sing the last line with them, playing his squishy piano. Surprisingly, he understood their beeps – music does transcend all language.

Chapter Text

His stomach was empty. For how long it had been giving him the signals to ‘Eat something, you idiot!’ in the form of growling, he was not sure, but that did not matter. There were more urgent matters to discuss at the moment and his right-hand-man was already awaiting him in the conference room.

Their last defeat had been bitter. If only they had brought along more forces, more backup, they would have been able to drive away the Gerudo captain and her guards from the outpost they had been fighting over. And with that lone outpost, he was sure, they could have won the entire battle.

If only they were not constantly lacking competence in all levels that mattered most.

On top of that, he felt watched. A slight headache was slowly forming in his mind while he speculated what factors this battle’s outcome had depended on and how it could have been altered. His stomach growled another time, reminding him that he should finally eat something. He did not want to end up like the malnourished rat currently residing in their hideout.

Speak of the devil, as he entered the big hall it soon became obvious that the rat man had not arrived yet from whatever mission the walking egg had sent him to. Kohga could not care less what the weird Hylian was doing in his spare time, but he also could not shake the feeling that he was allowing him too much freedom. Who knew what was going on inside that bony, little head of his? He might as well be planning an assassination attempt on him and Sooga… but, eh. That was Tomorrow Kohga’s issue, because Today Kohga did not want to waste his precious time thinking about anything that was not related to bananas.

Speak of bananas, Master Kohga stood in front of the altar, ogling at a pile of the sacred fruits. The whole clan worshipped them more than the long-awaited Calamity, their love for bananas even surpassed their hatred for the royal family, and that meant a lot.

“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in my life! It’s a Ba! Nana-na!”, he exclaimed happily while pointing to the fruits, “Next to a Ba! Nana-na!”

Sooga nodded at that and commented in his mind, ‘It is, indeed’. You can never be too dramatic when food is involved.

The Top Banana snatched a few and started munching them, muttering, “Awuh yeah, bebeh! Partay tiem,” while the feeling of being glowered at did not go away.

It only worsened by the time their meeting was about to start, and even his most trusted friend had sensed the ever-building tension in the atmosphere.

“Sooga, is everything alright? You seem quiet – even more than usual.”

“No, it is nothing, Master Kohga. I… I just have a bad feeling about this.”

“You too, huh? There must be something in the air, then, if we both agree that something’s wrong here,” he concluded and nudged him with his elbow, “Let’s go. We don’t want to keep our people waiting, don’t we?”

Half of the clan had already gathered and sat in a semicircle on the floor, since there were not enough chairs for all of them. When everyone except for the rat man was attendant, Kohga made himself comfortable right in front of the altar. He knew that everyone would be diverting their attention to him, once he began to deliver his speech, because most Yiga would be focusing on the bananas and what – or rather who – was between them. That did not mean, they would agree on his plans.

“…And then I’ll challenge them and yell something like ‘Come on and get died!’ After that we’ll finish them off spectacularly and make sure that Hyrule Town will burn while I wear the king’s crown! How does that sound?”, he finally reached the end after ten minutes of loudly and obnoxiously declaring war on Hyrule, and leaned backwards in his seat, seemingly content with his plan.

No one dared to say anything, because disagreeing with their Top Banana and pointing out his often resulted in a broken bone or three, until a cold voice rang from the shadows, “I have discovered insanity incarnate.”

Kohga turned his head to the side to see a dark figure approaching him, too small to be one of them and too frail to fight them either. “Has he been hiding there all this time?”, he mumbled under his breath, then fired back at him at a louder volume, “You’re one to talk!”

“Pah! At least I am better at organizing raids and battles than you. Your scheme is not going to work, as none of your previous ones have so far.”

The dark figure turned out to be Astor, who strolled up to the table, surrounded by a stifling air of arrogance, and looked down upon the still seated clan leader. “How disappointing.”

Visibly offended, Master Kohga jumped onto his feet and stomped over to the Hylian, hoping to scare some respect into him. Now he was towering over the tiny rat, but the rat was not impressed.

“Really? That is your tactic? To intimidate me into submission. How about you let all of us hear one plan of yours that is not bound to fail, to prove us wrong, hmm? My patience has an expiry date. Now hurry.”

Kohga would not be a Kohga if he let himself be humiliated this easily by a nobody in front of his own people. And he knew the prophet behaved and expressed himself like a spoilt nobleman, but in truth he was merely a commoner, a nobody that was gifted with the ability to read the stars. To assume the title “Kohga” exceptional skills were required, amongst them a vast knowledge of ancient Sheikah techniques some would compare to magic, which their current master possessed in abundance. However, he did not want to show them to the outsider who was not worthy enough to witness them yet, but a completely different way to show him his unparalleled intelligence came to his mind.

“Wait, I‘m having one of those things, you know, a headache with pictures.”

“An idea?”, Sooga helped him find the right word. Bless him.

The Top Banana held up one finger and prompted them to stay put, while he went into a well-hidden storage chamber inside the walls and dragged a large, blank canvas on wheels with him.

He wrote three words onto the canvas.

"Princess changing station” he said, before covering a single letter in utter glee, “Princess hanging station."

All Yiga in this room cheered for him, even Sooga let out a small, "Yea- Wooo-!", as their leader regarded the Hylian with a smug grin behind his mask. The seer’s reaction was priceless.

“How in Demise's name- how can it be that this- this idiot,”, he glared hatefully at Kohga, “leads an entire freaking clan, while lacking all leadership skills?!”

Instead of being offended at this rude remark, Kohga decided to have some fun with the easy to tease – and piss off – Hylian. “I woke up one day and decided I want some evil bananas as breakfast, and that is how I became the most evil villain ever!”

“Oh, my god. That's evil.”

“No, that's genius!”

“Were they mighty?”

“Were they yellow?”

“But were they made with or without chocolate chips?”

“And did they have additional banana slices?”

“What about a chocolate dressing?”

Someone from the back of the room even asked, “Were they gluten free?”

Then a single Blademaster stepped up to them and praised the Top Banana with a proud tone in their voice, “Master Kohga is our leader, because he is wack! He ain’t dirty, he ain’t ghetto and he definitely ain’t no kid. His hair, wack! His gear, wack! His jewelry, wack! His footsteps, wack! The way that he talks, wack! The way that he doesn’t like to smile, wack! Me? Just like everyone in here I’m tight as fuck. That’s why he’s our Top Banana and we respect him as such.”

Another Yiga spoke up when they finished, this time it was a Footsoldier, “You know, our master can be competent sometimes. Once there was this guy that was stabbed in the front, but he died in the back. Don't ask. Kohga didn't want to reveal the details to us, but the signs were clear what had happened that day.”

The sole Hylian in the room could not process what the Yiga had said for a moment. After he revised the conversation in his head, he let out a confused, “What?”

“What?” the Footsoldier repeated, mimicking Astor’s disbelief badly, making the prophet growl.

Kohga, who was still not finished showing his superiority, grabbed one banana in each hand, “I’m not going to repeat myself, so listen closely, because your wellbeing might depend on this,” he said and struck menacing poses while wielding the fruits in his hand like a powerful weapon, “Don’t mess with me! I have the power of mighty bananas and anime on my side! AAA-!”

He charged at the Hylian, but Sooga intercepted his blow with his own katanas, preventing him from making an example of their unwanted guest in front of everyone.

“I feel like I am experiencing a fever dream in hell”, were the last words of Astor, before he grabbed his temple with both hands and quickly fled the room. It seems he always disappeared like that every time things got too weird for him to handle. ‘What a coward’ Sooga mused and returned his weapons to their sheaths.

While most Yiga were discussing what had occurred, Kohga addressed his most loyal friend in hushed tones, “Why did you intervene?”

“Spear him or spare him. It is your choice, Master Kohga. Just remember that no one will know your moral standards if there are no witnesses”, he whispered to his leader, so that only he could hear him, dutifully reminding him of the rules that came with his rank.

“But I still cannot believe you let this corrupt seer and his Guardian reside within our hideout’s walls. They are untrustworthy in every sense of the word. Are you not tired of listening to his endless monologues about the Great Calamity Ganon and how destruction draws nearer with every passing day?”

“Don’t worry, I’m not,” his master replied in a refreshingly honest way, “When corrupt, only trash is endless.”

Both agreed on that and dissolved the meeting. When everyone but them had left the chamber, Sooga sat down on a nearby chair that was still warm (‘gross,’ he shuddered to think who might have rested there minutes ago) and grabbed a banana from a nearby table. His widely acclaimed leader mirrored his actions and dragged a chair audibly right next to Sooga’s.

After ten minutes of total silence the taller of the two gave in to his inner musings and spoke up.

“Imagine if you ate this, you would get one hundred million bananas, but the equal amount of people would die. What would you choose, Master Kohga?”

His master snatched the yellow fruit from his hand, lifted his mask and took a bite, as if he wanted to say, ‘Look at me and my bad-ass self!’ His furious munching was only drowned out by Sooga’s amused laugh, one of the precious few he allowed himself these days.

“Kohga, no-!”

On one hand the fact that the leader of their clan valued food more than his underlings was not really reassuring, while on the other hand it was good to know that Kohga was as predictable as ever to him. That way he always knew when to help his leader out of a sticky situation and what to do in his presence without the necessity to receive any commands. They were so well-coordinated as a team to the point that a single glance directed at Sooga spoke more words than a well thought-out – or in most cases complicated – order.

‘You ever think that… the human mind was a mistake?’, Sooga often found himself pondering, but when he set his gaze on Kohga, his own mind immediately responded with ‘No. Never.’

“Sooga, you big bag of beans, you were the one who voiced the question and I answered you. What more do you expect from me?”, his master interrupted his thoughts.

“You big, overstuffed bag of twice baked black-eyed peas…”, his right-hand man murmured just loud enough to be heard by his master who did not try to hide his amusement over the situation.

“Oh, darn diddly muffincrackers!”

“You… you sneaky, little muffin.”

“You uncultured walnut!”

Outside the room two Yiga were waiting for their quarrel to stop, because they had something to discuss with their superiors.

“Shhh… be quiet!” one whispered to the other, “They’re speaking the language of gods!”

The other nodded at that and took their friend gently by the wrist to guide them away from the big doors in front of which they had been waiting for a few minutes. “We better leave them alone until they have things settled. I don’t want a repetition of two days ago.”

“Oof, agreed” their friend huffed, “We could go spar in the training room while they bicker around, don’t you think?”

“Great idea.”

They arrived at the training grounds. Currently, the vast cave with an unusually high ceiling was empty, since most members of the clan had better things to do than waste their energy.

One Yiga Footsoldier approached a table near the wall, where the entire training equipment was located, grabbed two spears of which they tossed one to their friend and said, “A spear in flight just feels right.”

“Well, not to the other guy. He might die”, the other Yiga retorted, catching the weapon and readying his stance.

“Forward we reign, sandwich uncles!” they yelled, then charged at their friend so they could spar for a few hours, before their time was up and the other Yiga would be storming in to work on their own combat skills.

In the evening, just as they had finished their training and left the room, they were joined by Sooga and the scrawny Hylian, who appeared to have picked a verbal fight with their second-best warrior. As if oblivious to their surroundings, they continued their “shouting match”, which was more like bickering, really.

“You all are insane!” Astor barked at the Yiga. But as soon as Sooga pointed both tips of his katanas at his throat and he added nervously, “…ly good at whatever you are planning to do.”

“I will end your life, seer, in the exact same moment the thought of betrayal comes to your mind.” That was not a threat. It was a promise, and everyone knew that.

“Anyway, thank you for checking in,” Astor said and then whispered, “I am still a piece of garbage~”

“I am tired of your games. You can come by when you have finally regained some honor or a sense of humility… if you even know what that is. If not, then you truly are a lost cause.”

Sooga remembered that only intimidation and threats would make the Hylian listen to them and cornered said Hylian against the doors of the training room. When his back touched the cold metal, he nearly jumped out of his skin, but Sooga only extended an arm and pushed open the doors to let them both in.

He gestured to the center of the cave, where fresh marks could be seen on the sandy ground that had been used not so long ago. “After you, Evil Lord Blackthorne. We still have a score to settle for your behavior towards Master Kohga and I will not leave you alone until I am satisfied. Did I make myself clear?”

His counterpart nodded at that and readied the one and only thing that he could defend himself with, his infested Giant Ancient Core. Faint light from the candles adorning the walls flickered eerily and cast long, moving shadows onto the floor, battling with the shades the crimson orb in his hands for preeminence. Sooga stepped into the middle of the room, the determination strengthening inside his core with every stride. The rat would learn its place, kneeling before his master’s – Kohga’s – feet.

The grip on his swords tightened when Astor raised the crimson glowing orb, a faint flicker of immeasurable cruelty and hatred crossed his gaze. He was the first to start the fight, he was the first to land a hit. The Hylian had not been fully prepared yet and sloppily dodged his attack, moving back a few steps, and Sooga could not hold back a satisfied huff as his blades cut through the prophet’s sleeve, even grazing his skin. In the dim light he could make out a few drops of a dark liquid smeared across the pale hand that had shot up in an instant to cover the wound.

Sooga had often wondered whether the seer had lied to them about what little he had told them of his origins or if all of it was true. At first, he had labeled him as a false prophet, a liar, a monster in the guise of a long-dead Hylian, but now he had witnessed that Astor had spoken the truth – at least about what species he was – while everything else could still be fabricated.

“Why don’t we quit fooling around like novices, so I can show you what true power is?”

The Hylian regained his composure and summoned five Hollows, the hero and the four Champions, Sooga suspected, as usual. He had never seen Astor create Hollows of creatures other than the five people who always got in their way and made things worse for the entire clan.

Then he looked up and his whole world collapsed for a second, before he built it up again, with such intense anger unlike anything he had felt ever before. In front of him stood a Hollow of each Blight, staring at him with their soulless eyes, but what had made his heart cry out in familiarity and pain was the smallest one in the middle. A sloppily crafted copy of his most beloved person, consisting of black goo with fuchsia streaks. A Hollow of Master Kohga.

“I have dedicated my whole life to our lord and savior Master Kohga, and this is the thanks I get?”, he bellowed, enraged by the rat’s audacity. Sooga’s own patience was wearing, which was why he approached him in the most threateningly looking way possible, towering over the small form of the Hylian, until he could grab him by the collar and easily lift him off his feet. Sooga focused on the wall and inspected it for a moment. Then he looked at the Hylian once more.

The two Yiga outside the training room were startled when they heard a loud ‘BANG’ coming from the cave. They did not dare inquire what happened, but to them everything went on like:

Two idiots entered.

One idiot left.

After the incident it was Kohga who decided to visit the Yiga Clan’s medical ward currently hosting their highly unwelcome guest who tried to hide a bar of chocolate under his pillow, despite being very obviously watched by the leader of the clan.

“Hey! How’re you doing?” he inquired friendly, as if they had not been arguing over trivialities only a few hours earlier. “I heard my man made a mess of the walls in the training room and wiped the floor with you.”

Astor slightly flinched at the reminder; his body was still sore after his pointless fight with Sooga.

“I’m doing just fine,” he said and shot him a sickeningly sweet fake smile, before grumbling, “I lied. I’m dying inside.”

The Yiga ignored his pathetic attempt at self-pity. “You know what? You need a break!”

“I am already broken. I am sick,” the Hylian complained and dramatically threw his arms out as if he were suffering. Which he was, unironically. If only Kohga would get the hint and scram. Apparently Kohga had a different idea and did not want to leave him alone.

“I know you’re not sick! I talked to the doctor and she said you’re completely fine… aside from a couple of aches, and bruises, and cuts, and maybe a broken rib or two, and- uhm.”

“But I’m mentally sick!” he almost whined and buried his face in the pillow.

“Now that’s for sure.”

They sat in silence for about five minutes that felt like eternity to Astor, until the Yiga doctor, who also wore a mask, like every member of this damned cult, carried in the glowing orb on a soft cushion. The core had not suffered any scratches nor bumps, since it seemed to be indestructible. The Hylian held out both hands to get hold of it as soon as possible and cradled it like a treasure.

“This Ancient Core is powered by hatred and sadness. I have got plenty of that,” he explained to Kohga. “And you know what? It even has built-in screaming, so I do not have to.”

Master Kohga only rolled his eyes at that, which, of course, the other could not see, and retorted, “How considerate.”

Apparently, the doctor did not want him lingering here any longer, for she informed them of his physical condition and that Astor may leave already if he wanted to. She practically shooed him out of bed and the Hylian followed Kohga out of the room, literally stumbling on his way out. He was a small, mean person who had a loathing of Hylians. Unfortunately, there was a mirror opposite the door, so he saw his reflection.

And no, he was not okay.

Startled by his own reflection, he fell to the sandy floor and whirled up some dust that he could not avoid breathing in. The tiny particles were tickling in his lungs – or that is what it felt like – and he coughed a couple of times to get the dust out of his respiratory system.

Suddenly, Sooga’s voice could be heard just around the corner, “Coffin, coffin. You will be in a coffin if you keep on coughing.”

The Hylian coughed once more. “Whoa, alright. I'm stopping.”

After making sure the rat man was still alive and kicking, Kohga and Sooga retired for the night and left the Hylian alone, who then noticed that he the chocolate bar he had been snacking on was still under the pillow and he could not go retrieve it.

Later, a Yiga Blademaster patrolling the hideout heard stifled noises coming from the guest room and went to investigate their cause. They peeked through the keyhole of the door and found the prophet in tears, sobbing to the corrupted egg that was watching him with its cold, calculating optic. "-s been a great day today, Harbie. Cannot wait for morrow-"

The next morning, everything started as usual. The Top Banana and his second to Top Banana were peacefully enjoying a quiet breakfast with their subordinates, when a small figure stormed into the room, closely followed by a big, dark cloud above his head, that signalized his bad mood.

“Mrngh…”, he grumbled to all the present Yiga, grabbed a banana bread, and drowsily crossed the hall to a small, unoccupied table, where he collapsed on a chair.

Unfazed by this show of non-present social graces, Kohga greeted him cheerfully, “Good morning to you too, three-eyes! Sleep well?”

“No,” was the short and sweet answer he got from the Hylian, “I need coffee. Preferably bitter, like my soul.”

After they finished breakfast, he let them know that he was going to write down some of his dreams and visions, and requested to be brought writing utensils, “I need a pen and black ink, like my soul.”

When the prophet finished writing his notes into a thin book, he shivered and asked rhetorically, “Why is it so cold? Like my soul.”

“Well, we live in the desert and it’s always cold in the morning, because at night the warmth of the sand that has been-“ Someone interrupted the Footsoldier’s rare moment of clarity by nudging them with their elbow and they shut up.

Astor did not say anything at that but got up after a few more minutes scribbling and left the room – again – mumbling, “I want some dark chocolate, like my soul.”

The two highest-ranking Bananas were not concerned for him, since they did not like him at all, but Sooga grew suspicious of his behavior. The Hylian had not been the most predictable person from the moment they had first met, when he showed up in front of their hideout’s well-hidden front entrance, but lately he was getting even more unpredictable, and that distressed Sooga. Even his master had noticed how he tended to glare daggers at the rat and remained closer to Kohga than he needed to, only to protect him.

The two highest-ranking Bananas were seemingly tied to each other. You could not talk to one without having the other listen in to your conversation. You could not see one of them without the other guarding his back from the shadows. You could not walk in on them in the morning without witnessing one watching over the other in his arms in a half-embrace, whispering gently to wake them up.

The two highest-ranking Bananas were concerned for each other’s wellbeing.

That was why they did not care about the seer’s criticism, nor his bad mood, nor his own, stupid problems. One day, Sooga had enough of these pitiful attempts at toughness and aloofness, so he decided to confront him in his room, where he was spending time reading a book with the Egg-Guardian perched in his lap.

“Stop sulking like a depressed ReDead and get active or something!”

But things often did not go as planned, when Astor was involved.

“I do not want to be physically active! I am having a physical depression.”

Sooga sighed inaudibly and clarified, “But what I actually meant for you to do is only mentally challenging.”

“Does not matter,” the Hylian persisted.

“Fine, suit yourself. Or go find yourself some friends already! I am tired of your attitude. It is going to get us all killed one day, I can feel it.”

“I do not need friends. They disappoint me. You all know what I think of you,” he said and shook his head, “I am surrounded by failures.”

He struck a ludicrous pose, grabbed the corrupted Egg-Guardian, and left the room – again.

Later that day, Sooga found him in the room they used for preparing foods, aka. kitchen, and he looked disapprovingly at Astor’s emaciated form, while the seer was reading again. “You look like you are starving. Eat a proper meal.”

“I do not need food. Once it is digested, I will get hungry again.”

The seer walked away. Again.

“You are too pale!”, the Yiga told him the next time they met in a hallway inside the hideout, “How about you go outside for once and gather some vitamin D.”

“I do not need sunlight. I live in the shadows.”

He fled from the room. Again.

In the evening, Sooga paid him another visit. This time, he did not bother with the formalities and snatched the book from the prophet’s hands.

“Come on, you should go and rest. It is late. Even for your standards.”

“I do not need sleep. I need answers.”

He exited his own room, leaving Sooga with the harbinger that just turned away from the Yiga, settled for the night, and entered sleep mode in the middle of Astor’s bed like a puppy. The most curious thing about the egg was its unpredictability. It either acted like a cunning beast, or like a puppy, depending on its mood and whom it was with.

By the time the prophet returned, Sooga was still there and he half-heartedly gave him useless advice, even though he knew it was going to be in vain. “Get a life!”

“I do not need a life. I- I- damn it!”, he huffed tiredly. When Astor caught sight of the corrupted Guardian, he sat down next to it on the edge of the bed and put a hand apologetically on its dark shell. “I am sorry for being so useless.” Then he regained some of his senses.

“Wait, no, I'm not.”

The Yiga were organizing a yoga class for everyone to participate in, with their master as the instructor so he could teach them some of his less secret yet still effective techniques. A third of the clan was already warming up on different mats and pads, when their guest entered the training hall. He had sworn to never join them in these ridiculous activities, but somehow Kohga had managed to convince him to stay and even participate.

As their little workout was about to start, the Top Banana made himself comfortable on a cushion and spoke, “Our first exercise is easy. Release all the sounds that are trapped in your mind.”

Suddenly, Astor screamed like a madman and gained everyone’s attention except Kohga’s who was still trying to meditate. Then he got the feeling that he was not in the center of interest, which was unacceptable.

Someone patted the Hylian on the shoulder and reassured him, “There, there. Just scream some random stuff into the sky and everything will get better. I promise.”

That someone was, of course, Sooga, who had really had enough.

“Come on,” he urged him to leave this session, “Let’s go and drink something decent to lessen the bad thoughts.”

“Fine, but only one drink... or only one glass of wine and that is it. Not more.”

Several hours and “only one glass of wine” later:

“…and they actually listened to me! A few days after I looked into the future at the request of Her Highness, she passed away, but the king – that old, blasted moron – I tell you – he listened to me! He was practically at my feet, begging me to tell him about his kingdom’s future. Oh, you should have seen the look on his face when I told him the truth. Then they finally started excavating the Divine Beasts and Guardians as I had instructed them, and- and- could you believe that I had gained enough reputation as a trustworthy fortuneteller to commandeer the sovereign of a freaking kingdom around? When the time is right, the Calamity will take over those ancient machines and use them against the entire kingdom! The fools will not know what hit them, once it fully awakens, and the whole world will fall into devastation! Hyrule will be no more! And I will be witnessing its downfall. You know, some people just want to watch the world burn.”

As time progressed, his ramblings turned into a rant and his once clear words into inaudible gibberish that even Hylia was too afraid to listen to.

Sooga did not try to hide the fact that he was not even listening to the prophet who had somehow managed to get drunk on a single glass of wine and was now telling him the story of his entire, pitiable life. It seemed that the poor guy had never had anyone who had the will and the time to listen to his ramblings about how terrible – cruel – the world was, and why it should be destroyed, and yadda, yadda, yadda… and right now no one was listening to him either.

Perhaps he was destined to never reveal his motivations to anyone, so the people would always wonder why he had done all of this.

“What is the point of living if we already know that we are all going to die?”

His only companion realized that Astor’s rant had made him go into an existential crisis, and that all the wine was gone. The seer had apparently downed the entire bottle. Alone.

Then, he groaned and mumbled to himself, “Why am I still here, just to suffer?”

When Master Kohga came to pay them a short visit and check if they were alright, Sooga glanced at the Hylian, who was already asleep with his head on the table, and he shook his head. His tombstone shall read ‘death by second-hand embarrassment’.

Chapter Text

To celebrate the five Champions after their ceremony, Hyrule's many inhabitants came up with the idea to organize a huge fair in the center of Hyrule field. It would be segmented into regions, where many people would cook, eat and buy products from the different regions, and talk about their habits and culture. Each region had their own tent, packed full of everything that was exclusive to it, promoting its fertile land, beautiful nature, and wonderful people.

There even was a small booth selling banana-flavored ice cream with banana slices, a highlight for visitors from the Sheikah tribe and all Yiga spies attending the folk festival. That way they intended to expose those who were working undercover, for they would never be able to withstand the pull of the Mighty Bananas.

Another booth dedicated to Eldin sold rock-roast and rare gemstones, while the one for the Gerudo region specialized in ornately crafted jewelry made of these precious stones. The tents for Tabantha and Akkala were filled with various farm products, while Central Hyrule, Necluda, Hebra and Lanayru sold clothes and everyday products.

When it was time for the Champions to arrive in the afternoon, the people became more agitated, waiting for their heroes to show up. Daruk and Link were the first to arrive at the fair, while the Goron was loudly joking about his eating habits, “I’m so hungry I could eat a rock!”

Link had been trying to restrain his laughter for a while, and now that they were in front of hundreds of people he had never met, the pressure was increasing, but he succeeded despite that. Both female Champions were right behind them, talking about the increasing number of Yiga attacks near Gerudo Town and Kara Kara Bazaar, while the only Rito of the group trailed behind them a few paces with a scowl on his face and his wings folded over his chest.

They stopped by every tent and booth to look at the goods they were offered and even bought some of them. Then Urbosa and Mipha simultaneously caught sight of something and led the other Champions to a small tent just outside the fair, that smelled like fish and seafood. “Get to Lurelin Village, they got a new thing called ‘fre sha voca do’!”

To emphasize the joke, Urbosa showed them the sign where the weirdly spaced phrase was written, laughing at the amused expressions of her friends.

Later, Daruk found something equally funny and presented them a logo made of Sheikah technology with blue glowing lettering. But the first letter was malfunctioning and in Daruk’s opinion made for a good joke. „Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to T-T-T-T-T-Tabantha! “ he laughed.

When it was Revali’s turn to crack a joke, he led them to another booth and dramatically waved his arms at its sign and shouted, “Welcome to Deepback -ack -ack -ackhghr”

Before he could finish the joke, he got slapped on the back of his head by Urbosa.

“Ow! What was that for?”, he asked her indignantly and fluffed up his feathers.

She huffed and gave him ‘that look’, “Firstly, teasing you is way too fun, and secondly, we already heard that joke, Revali. Come on, you are more creative than that.”

They continued their trek through the fair, greeting everyone around them (or not) and showing how friendly and generous their chosen Champions were (or not), until the people lost interest and all spectators scurried away, so they could resume their previous conversations. A long, comfortable silence stretched between Daruk and Link, who seemed occupied. Unfortunately, it was so silent that the Goron could not help but overhear the chatter going on behind them. Apparently, Revali had enough of their visit and bugged Urbosa to let him leave.

“This fair is a freaking nightmare!”, Revali squawked at the tall vai, and Urbosa shot back an aggravated, “Watch your profanity, young man!”

The Zora princess did not want to be involved into their petty quarrel that was slowly turning into a full-on argument, physical action included, and sped up. She whispered something, and Daruk was barely able to make out what it was, with everything going on around them, but he managed to get the gist of it.

“He is probably thinking about other girls,” Mipha muttered under her breath and sighed longingly. Daruk immediately caught on what she was talking about and glanced at the person right next to him. But the only thing he could see in Link’s nearly expressionless face was that he was thinking about food and his insatiable inner self, that the Gorons could read like no other race in Hyrule, was making these faces:

○-○

♡~♡

♡^♡

♡v♡

The only language Link could speak fluently was Food. And Daruk was equally well-versed in that.

And in his mind, far away from the real world, Link thought, ‘I‘m so hungry I could eat an Octorok!’

Behind them the conflict was slowly settled with the Chief of the Gerudo smacking Revali on the head a second time and the peeved Rito distanced himself from the rest of the group. The next ten minutes he followed his fellow Champions like a broody hen and randomly scoffed at everyone who dared look at him. A Hylian child who was selling something – Revali did not care what it was even if his own life depended on it – did just that and gave him a piece of its junk. Then it said, “I don‘t have a soul. Have a nice day!”

Revali responded with, “I don‘t have one either,” walked off and heard child cackle in the distance.

Then he observed how the same brat walked up to Daruk and gave him a similar piece of junk. “Hey, sir! All my friends hate me and they think I‘m an idiot. Have a nice day!”

But instead of reacting like Revali did, Daruk smiled at the child and thanked it, as if he were happy to receive whatever the child had gifted him.

Then it ran away, probably to go and find other people it could annoy, and screamed happily, “Yeee!”

Urbosa was currently listening to a half-drunk Hylian shopkeeper that was selling different kinds of mushrooms and chatting with her customers. The shopkeeper then noticed her and told her, “There is only one race in the Kingdom of Hyrule. The Hylian race.”

“What about the Sand-Seal Rally?”, the Gerudo retorted. She rolled her eyes and turned her back on the woman.

“What about shield surfing?”, she heard a Hylian behind her say and she mused, ‘Oh, no. Not another one of those people!’

The rest of their visit went quite smoothly. Except for that one part where Waterblight Ganon slid over a frozen ramp and stopped right in front of the Champions, calmly greeting them, “Good evening.”

Mipha did not forget her manners and politely replied, “Good evening, Sir or Madam. Do you require any assistance?”

“No.”

“Good.”

“Well then,” Waterblight Ganon said and slowly backed away from them, “Farewell, Champions.”

“Farewell, goopy, glowing, strange creature with a red mane, one optic, one blue spear in one hand and a blue flail in the other. May Hylia guide your way.”

“I doubt she will, but anyways, thank you.” It bowed its head to her and then vanished into thin air.

Daruk, “What an odd occurrence.”

Mipha, “What an odd occurrence, indeed.”

Chapter Text

In the future, Robbie and Jerrin were often talking about the Ancient Oven. It was named after the older scientist’s first love, Cherry, but that did not suit his wife at all. She did try to hold back her jealous thoughts every time she watched her beloved show an unhealthy amount of affection towards the emotionally unresponsive machine. It made her heart ache, to know that the one she chose to marry and dedicate her love to would be grieving over what could have been with someone other than her.

That he would go pay a visit to the Ancient Oven in the middle of the night, when she was fast asleep, to whisper to it about things that bothered him and that he did not want her to know. Yet she always knew what was going on but decided not to press him further about it. But that did not change the fact that this was just plain wrong. That he trusted this machine with his innermost secrets and thoughts more than her, and that made her feel like she failed as a partner, as a fellow scientist, but most importantly as an equal who would give up their own life and fortune for them to be happy.

The previous night had been the same. Sounds from the basement had woken her up at around midnight and she had of course gone to look at whatever was going on. She had found her husband sitting in front of the accursed machine, speaking in a low, soft tone he never used in her presence.

That saddened her again. At least their son Granté was quite content with his life, enjoying his travels around Hyrule and probably learning many new things, and that gave her enough comfort to not lose her mind.

 She opened a fresh bottle of Chateau Romani, special milk produced by a renowned farm from a far away land, before she faced the Ancient Oven in the middle of the room and took a sip.

“I hate it when people say, ‘You don’t need milk to have fun.’ But you don’t need running shoes to run, but it freaking helps, doesn’t it? And I drink this because it is heart-healthy. And my heart has been …damaged,” a sudden urge to explain her rudeness towards the silent machine overtook her, but then she noticed she was talking to herself and continued more subdued, “So, Robbie, if you are out there…“

As if on cue her husband entered the Ancient Tech Lab and noticed her talking to Cherry. “Hm? Did you call for me? Is everything alright?”

She pondered whether she should confront him about his nightly visits right now or wait until the time was right.

“Did you hang out with the Ancient Oven last night?”

“You know, yeah, I did.”

“Oh, heh. I love Cherry.”

Robbie contemplated her words for a few minutes, before he turned to her and stated matter-of-factly, “You hate Cherry.”

“Yeah, no shit, honey!”, she yelled at him. He winced at her reproachful tone and scurried away as quickly as his legs allowed.

A similar incident occurred the next morning.

“I saw you hanging out with Cherry yesterday.” His fellow researcher was as sharp as ever, and, needless to say, she was getting more restless the longer he spent his time nigh the machine.

“But, Jerrin, it's not what you think!” he tried to explain, but Jerrin had already made her mind up, so she grabbed a wrench from a nearby table and aimed it at Robbie.

“I won't hesitate, bitch!”

He got away, but at the cost of the functional efficiency of his right arm, which now sported a bruise.

Their discordance even trickled into their daily routine, robbing them of meaningful conversations, and turning every decision that had to be made into banter.

Tomorrow was their anniversary and it seemed that the old Sheikah had already forgotten about that. He was somewhere – who knew where was, actually – and Jerrin’s mood reached an all-time low.

One afternoon, when they were taking a break from their research, Jerrin suggested they could visit the stable and try out a new type of beverage they had been offering for some months now, because she thought that might help her relax a bit.

When they reached civilization, Jerrin asked the old Sheikah, “We’re here to get a healthy snack, Robbie.”

He did not know what they were offering, but there was one fruit he had not eaten in a long time and he was sure they had many of them to offer at this exact stable. “I want cherries.”

Wrong answer. “I said A HEALTHY SNACK, Robbie!”

“Hm, fine.”

As Jerrin took her time deciding on what she should order, her husband already returned from the stable and sat down next to her in the haystack. “You should get the cherry soda. It's amazing.”

“Okay, I'll have the strawberry soda.” With that said, she stood up, removed any stray hay and stalked off in an uncaring manner.

Robbie was aghast at her betrayal, but that did not last long.

Evening came way too soon for Jerrin’s liking, so they had to say goodbye to the people there and return to their own home. When she entered the old, withered structure, she felt watched in a sense.

“What do you want from me?! Please, just, uhhh…”

Cherry was staring at Jerrin while consuming ancient technology to build something new. A commission the old Sheikah had not informed her about. But considering he forgot to tell her about many things recently, that did not surprise her. She just wanted the machine to stop staring at her so lifelessly.

All at once, Robbie stormed from behind her into the room, shouting and waving his arms.

“No! Don’t look! This is – was – supposed to be a surprise!”

Just as the words left his mouth, Cherry finished the process and presented a skillfully crafted magnifying glass to the Hylian who hesitantly picked it up. It was truly a work of art.

“Well, I wanted this to stay secret until tomorrow, but it seems that this traitorous machine”, he glared at the Ancient Oven, “could not keep her promise and just had to ruin the surprise.”

All of a sudden, Robbie found himself embraced by Jerrin in a nearly bone-crushing hug which he returned gladly.

“Happy early anniversary, dear! I figured you’d like a new pair of these, because the old one is, eh, okay, I guess, but this right here is the top of the line. And you deserve only the best.”

That was all nice and sweet, but it did not change much in their relationship, because many years into the future, Robbie and Jerrin would still be fighting occasionally over the Ancient Oven.

Chapter Text

Loud beeps rang through the Royal Ancient Lab, followed by angry shouts and heartfelt laughter.

The repairs on Terrako had been successful and Team Champions was ecstatic in their celebration. Naturally, it was the princess who was most delighted to have her trusted Egg in her arms again, while many others were just glad to have it back and functioning. Even the king allowed himself a small but genuine smile at the good news.

Although Impa did not show it openly, she, too, was happy to have it run circles around their feet again. Which it was, like crazy. She guessed being alive was better than not, and she could not blame it. She even allowed it some liberties, such as free cuddles at any time of the day, or ignoring some of the complaints she overheard from the servants about the Guardian’s behavior.

The princess tasked her with always keeping an eye on it while she was busy elsewhere, which actually meant babysitting the overgrown Egg. Impa was not thrilled at that, but she could not refuse the princess’ request, so she accepted her new role with a silent huff. Only at night, when everyone was resting, did she leave the Guardian alone in its box in Zelda’s study, where it could not damage anything.

During the day, Terrako would be following either her, the princess or her appointed knight through the castle, whistling tunes or trying to catch their attention in the worst time possible. During the night, it would remain in standby, preserving and replenishing its energy which it seemed to have in abundance. Sometimes it would grab a random object and carry it around until it found someone to throw it at. Other times it would jump around, demanding to be picked up, or simply cling onto someone's leg and let itself be carried that way.

It was feared among the servants, avoided by the guards and knights and even by the heroes that it fought alongside with. Only the giant, dancing broccoli from Korok Forest did not mind its presence at all, but then again, the Guardian did not really like to be around anyone other than its top three favorite people in the world. And so, many days passed with the little one following a bunch of people through the halls, being as adorable and innocent as it ever was.

Weeks after Terrako’s shell and inner workings had been restored, something happened that verged on the miraculous. One day, the gatekeeper in front of the castle's entrance sent for the princess, declaring it was urgent. “Something to report, Your Highness.”

She and her escort made it to the bridge that separated the castle from Castle Town just in time to see a familiar figure appearing outside the gates of Hyrule Castle, holding the darkly colored duplicate of the Guardian Egg with both arms. Not fooled by his half-decayed and therefore horrific appearance, they immediately knew who he was. They already forgot his name. Not that it had ever mattered. Not that it mattered even now. But what did matter was that he had survived the Calamity.

He had survived because the author temporarily gave him plot armor just for this chapter.

Bitter defeat was written all over his posture, yet his face revealed nothing of his inner turmoil. He had failed his task, his only purpose. Now, the Calamity was gone and Hylia's chess pieces had won. It was not to return until many hundred years in the future, and he had nowhere to go but either hide for the rest of his life, or face punishment at the hands of the victorious Hylians. The latter did not sit well with him at all, since he did not want to give up that easily, but that was also what he thought destiny had laid out for him, so he complied, albeit not fully voluntary.

Unlike him, the small Guardian in his hold wanted to follow its own will again, returning to the one person it trusted more than everyone else. It thrashed and whistled in protest, commanding him to put it on the ground. With all the Malice gone, it regained some of its future/past self’s manners, though it was still as cheeky as when it had been corrupted.

When the princess and her entourage came in view, the Egg flailed its spider-like legs around. This action made its holder drop it with a curse. The princess had no time to react, before the little Guardian flung its legs around her own and beeped a happy greeting. At least someone here seemed unfazed by the thick tension that had built up over the course of a minute or less. The other figure did not say a word, for he did not trust himself yet to say anything that might not get him killed, but he still bowed to the princess, even though she embodied everything he hated about Hyrulean society.

But he did not dare complain in front of them, since they could still order his execution. His entire body still felt sore after many days and every cell of his body was screaming at him to lie down and rest for a while. His half-dead appearance did not help in that case, but fortunately he got to keep his clothes, even though they were worse for wear, as most of the material was scorched, torn, or completely burnt and could not protect his skin from the sun anymore.

The darkly colored Guardian looked probably as battered as the prophet, yet it still retained its energetic nature, similar to a positive attitude. It was chirping at the princess, its creator, and jumping around her like a puppy, glad to see her after such a long time. It could barely even remember the day the king had deactivated it and put it in a box, because some of its memory banks seemed to have been damaged by the Malice that had infested its interior.

Right then, another set of loud beeps came from the castle, and with that, Terrako joined them. The two Eggs were hesitant at first, stretching out a leg at each other and sending out inquiries. When they were convinced that the other was harmless and even fun to converse with, they began to chatter away. The resident Egg apparently accepted the darkly colored one into their family. Just like that, the tension between everyone present lessened, leaving the heroes to worry about what to do with their new prisoner.

Impa ordered the guards to lead the defeated prophet to the lockup beneath the castle, where they held all their criminals …locked up. A place so far from the stars which had given him his name. Now, there were no stars he could watch, no future to be read, for he himself had no future anymore. That Impa was certain of. The guardsmen fit him in a cell that was barely spacious enough to fit his ego and left him alone.

It was Impa’s and Link’s job to build something for the Guardian twins, where they could power down peacefully, without causing any trouble, and be still easy to have an eye on. When they presented their results to the princess, she shot them a skeptical look. In her study was now a small fence made of ancient materials, surrounding the chamber’s stool and table, just high enough so the Guardians cannot climb or jump over it with their short but powerful legs. However, she was not convinced this was going to work, given how cunning these little machines could be.

Impa began to explain how she had imagined this to work, "Even the small teapots are one of the most dangerous Guardian types in the world, so we build this cage to keep them secure, so there is no possible -by the Goddesses."

Both Terrako and the Harbinger, which they decided to call ‘Harbie’ for now, slipped through a small opening in the fence with ease and waddled over to their creator. Her advisor let out a sigh and let the matter be for now. No obstacle would ever be able to stop those two from causing chaos, doing whatever they want. For all she knew, they could have taken on the Calamity on their own if it had stood between them and their figurative mother.

A few weeks later, Impa entered the library, surprisingly without the two Eggs who usually followed her everywhere. She started to wonder, where exactly they were at this very moment, probably causing all kinds of mischief.

“Your Highness,” she greeted the princess. “I must confess, I won't be able to look after Terrako and Harbie this evening. Purah asked me to come over to her at the Laboratories, and I accepted. I think she needs my assistance for something she wants to finish today.”

Zelda paused in her research, lowering the blueprints of something ancient. She thought about what her advisor had said, before she answered. “Well, that is unfortunate. Who is going to watch them in the meantime? Everyone is unusually busy today. Even my father told me he might not come to dinner this evening because of work, and Link promised to accompany me to Zora’s Domain for an audition with King Dorephan.”

She paused, contemplating for a while, before she continued. “I do not know about the other Champion’s whereabouts, but they also seemed preoccupied with planning when I spoke to them this morning.”

Waiting for the Sheikah’s answer, Zelda resumed studying the blueprints. Surely, no one here had the patience to deal with the Guardians who had developed a strategy on how to get rid of their babysitters in no time.

“If I recall correctly, there is a person who will not be busy this evening,” Impa remembered, “and also who knows how to watch after the Guardians-“

As soon as the princess caught on whom she was suggesting, her eyes widened in horror. “Oh, no. No, I will not allow it!”

“But we’re all occupied elsewhere!” her advisor complained. “Princess Mipha already left for Zora’s Domain, Daruk is visiting Castle Town, Revali is… somewhere… and I already promised Purah to help her with a new project, Your Highness. The servants are all afraid of them and the ruckus they’ve caused this week alone. In addition, they lack the confidence to discipline the teapots should they play tricks on them. The prophet can look after them, while they can get on his nerves as much as they want. And should something happen, we don’t have to worry about them accidentally killing him.”

“He is the enemy, Impa! He once tried to kill us, and I would be risking the safety of our entire kingdom if I let him anywhere near a weapon such as the Guardians. I know you are aware of how important Hyrule’s safety is to my father and me. What you have planned sounds outright dangerous.”

“And that is totally understandable. But, I mean, just look at him! Does he look dangerous to you? Do you really think that pathetic twig with limbs can best one of our fine guardsmen, let alone the entire guard? Besides, the teapots don’t even like him, so they’re not going to listen to anything he says anyway.”

Zelda opened her mouth to retort something, though no words came out. Her advisor was right. There were only three people in the world the Guardians took seriously and they would be out of castle for a while.

“Princess, please! I need someone to watch over the two teapots while I’m away, so they have no chance to escape another time. It’ll be just for one evening, and when I return, everything will proceed as normal, and then you can lock him up again. How does that sound?”

“I cannot possibly entrust both Terrakos to… to our enemy! We know of his untrustworthiness. What if he damages them – or worse, destroys them?”

“If you consider this appropriate, I will send for him before your departure.”

The princess nodded understandingly. Then, a question came to her mind. “Where did you say are you going with Purah?”

“Um, I actually have no idea,” the Sheikah admitted. “I just hope it's worth my time.”

As the time for her departure neared, Impa stood on the bridge to the princess’ study, observing their unwelcome guest who had been escorted to the room where the Eggs were awaiting him, probably already planning how to get rid of the man. She hmphed and made her way to her sister.

As soon as she was gone, the prophet sat down on the floor and motioned the Guardians to come nearer, asking. “Do you want me to read you what is written in the stars tonight?”

Today though, they were not in the mood for tricks and were far more cooperative than in the past few weeks. Harbie chirruped, following his silent plea, and climbed onto his lap, as usual. His lighter variant was not as trusting but saw no malicious intent behind the request and followed suit. Both Guardians beeped and attentively listened to the stories he told them of what would happen in the future. Soon, all three were fast asleep on the floor.

Everything was going fine until Impa came to check on them around midnight to see if the Guardian babysitter was still alive. Harbie could hear her approaching, closely followed by Zelda, so it fired a beam inside the princess’ study that nearly destroyed a bookshelf. Their prisoner jolted awake at the noise they were making and looked around confusedly. Unlike last time that happened, it was only a bookshelf and not something else. Because last time, Revali had been whining about his ruined feathers for days.

“That's why mom doesn't freaking love you!” Terrako beeped. Harbie did not seem very upset by that and giggled maniacally.

When Impa came crashing into the room at full speed, it dawned on her what must have just happened. Before she began lecturing the Eggs about proper etiquette and rules again, she turned to the princess. “Your Highness! The teapots are fighting again!”

A silent “Oh, not again…” could be heard from just outside the door.

Their prisoner, who had been startled by the Harbinger's beam, righted himself up from the floor and asked the small Guardians, “Who started it this time?”

Without hesitation, Terrako pointed at his dark double.

“Well done, Harbie! I am proud of you,” the prophet declared like a proud parent, and hugged the Egg.

“You shall not encourage this sort of behaviour!”, Zelda shouted and pointed at the scene in front of her. The wall where the laser had struck now sported a giant scorch mark and was still fuming from the impact.

Their prisoner simply shrugged at that. “I apologize, but I cannot help it, Your Highness.”

The Harbinger beeped, booped and whistled some more, and Impa had reached her limit. “I have no idea what you just said, but it’s past bedtime and you two Eggs need to rest.”

With that, she picked up the two Eggs, one under each arm, and shooed both the princess and the prophet out of the room. Enough was enough.

Here's some Harbinger Ganon and Astor fanart for you all:

https://www.deviantart.com/aecholapis/art/Age-of-Calamity-Astor-and-the-Harbinger-869606788

(Sorry, I couldn't upload the picture. I followed a couple of tutorials on how to do it, but it didn't work. So, here's a link instead. Maybe later I'll find out how to post it.)

Yay, it finally worked!

Chapter Text

“…Wake up! Wake up!”, a voice could be heard, reverberating inside a colorless void, and filling it with its fragile, glass-like sound.

It called out for the still sleeping hero, but the hero was not the only person who received this message. Somewhere, in a distant reality, a beast was startled from its nightmares. Not only had the voice woken the hero, but the enemy as well.

The previously dormant Calamity stirred awake and grew conscious of his surroundings. He had no form yet, no body that would hold his poisonous soul, unlike in the past. That might change soon, because his return was near if someone was calling him into action.

Focusing on the young Hylians that were still unprepared for his arrival, he found the princess. Fortunately for him, she had not realized her full potential yet and still struggled with awakening her sealing magic. While a small part of him pitied her, as she would never stand a chance in the fight against him who had been harvesting his powers for over 10.000 years, the rest could not wait any longer to finally break free of his prison made of endless hatred and anger.

The formless beast glanced upon Hylia’s human vessel once again, while she was praying silently in the waters of the Spring of Courage. He could sense the anger, the self-hatred, and the all-consuming despair she had been carrying with her since her mother’s unfortunate death. He lived off it, lived off her darkest thoughts, her negative emotions, thrived wonderfully while she crumbled into herself. Only what has remained of her faith could help her now.

Watching how she struggled, while holding onto dear life and trying to protect everyone, he felt nothing.

Emotions in general he did not need. Friendship, love, compassion, satisfaction, happiness, and joy were all meaningless to him. The only thing that drove him and fueled his entire being was blind rage and hate so intense he felt like he could implode any moment. It was that rage that made him to what he was, and what he will forever be, until the day came when he might be sealed away for good. If he were able to want anything except the conquest and destruction of Hyrule he would have craved for that day.

Calamity Ganon waited a few more days, until he came up with a waterproof plan to put an end to their short existence.

‘ I am going to do what is called a pro-villain move.’

While Hylia’s chosen were under a false sense of safety, he prepared himself for any and every outcome possible. He made backup plans for his backup plans. There was nothing that could go wrong.

‘I am about to end this brat’s whole career.’

He arose earlier than everyone had anticipated and broke the hearts of the entire community.

‘Ganon has joined the battle.’

Meanwhile in Age of Calamity, where he had failed in a spectacular fashion:

The Calamity’s essence was floating in nothingness. A foreign yet too familiar presence occupied his thoughts, and a cold, directionless breeze cooled his overheated, scorched core, while he was gazing upon his one and only master. Said master regarded him with a coldness that was hurting his spirit, unlike the healing airflow, leaving him completely bared to the one who had damned him and made him into the monster he was. He was not sure if that was truly him or just a figment of his messed-up imagination, projecting his greatest enemy and only fear onto the burning ice that spread through him.

‘ Oh,” he grumbled, although he knew it was in vain. Whatever concerns he voiced now would fall on deaf ears, for the Demon King did not value any advice from his underlings, not even his most loyal one. “I was waiting for you to help me fight Hylia's mortal incarnation.’

Demise looked down upon his minion and sneered, “Go back to sleep. And suffer.”

He exited Ganon’s conscious, leaving him with his own, private thoughts again, not that there was much to think about. The demon would forget what had happened that day in some millennia anyway, so there was no need to dwell on another one of his defeats. His soul remained still and in peace, only plagued by a nightmare or two, until he was woken again. Surprisingly, this time, only a few weeks or so had passed, and it was the heroes, who had accidentally summoned him in the Lanayru region.

He had gotten another chance to face them in battle, fueled by foreign rage and harboring hatred that was not his own.

He had gotten another chance to be put out of his misery for once and for all.

That did not go as planned, though, and now Calamity Ganon had been left alone to fend for himself. No one came to aid him in his struggle, fighting the entire Hyrulean army. The heroes were united against him, while he remained outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered and outplanned.

His plans had proven useless against such a large number of foes. While his own forces were either dead or had scattered across all Hyrule after the final battle, the Hyrulean army was stronger than ever, all races united to banish him from the light of the world once again.

Even after millennia he still underestimated the motivation and skill of his opponents, always crawling behind them as with each step he made towards his ultimate victory, they beat him by three. As frustrating as that was, he had found a way to make his existence a bit more tolerable. He had found company.

Never would he rethink his lowly opinion on positive emotions the heroes cared about so much. It was not in his nature to care about anything that was not beneficial to him or harmful to the Golden Goddesses' creations and Hylia's favorites, least of all their emotions.

But in the future, he would learn to value them, acknowledge them, because the time would come, when he would spend his days in the land of the living with a creature that was supposed to be dead by now, just like him.

He had wanted to evade the Sheikah monk for a few hours, take a break from the presence of any living beings and their obnoxiously lively attitudes, when he came across two Cuccos in the wild. They were rare to find outside the Hylian and Sheikah settlements and farms, but when they were out in the wild, they could get as dangerous as a full-grown Lynel, should someone be foolish enough to hurt them.

These birds were known for their aggression and their stunning teamwork, because if one of them felt even slightly threatened, an entire flock would come swarming out of nowhere and return the favor to the person bold enough to harass a Cucco. Vicious attacks on careless travelers were not unheard of.

The Calamity was currently observing the two Cuccos arguing with each other. He had no intentions to upset them and remained at a healthy distance from them, yet he could hear their annoying crows all too clear.

One went ‘skreee’.

The other screeched ‘reee’.

And Calamity Ganon screamed ‘eee’.

And because of the sheer volume of his scream, Maz Koshia found him instantly and teleported to the demon. Although Ganon had hoped to get away from civilization for a while, he was not opposed to a little company, because lately he found this company tolerable, and ‘tolerable' was more than he could have ever hoped for.

Most of the time the beast was emotionally unresponsive, but there were moments when he would unintentionally let his guard down and allow the Sheikah to peek into his state of mind. And most of the time he did not like what he saw.

Because of that, one day, he asked him in all honesty, why he still fought for the heroes. Why he did not betray them, or leave them, or kill them, when the chance had presented itself. Why he wanted to stay in the land of the living, since both the monk and the beast had fulfilled their destinies and played their part.

Maz was aware how much the Calamity hated them, how little he trusted them. He knew the beast sitting next to him on this grass field was doing all of this involuntarily, even fighting against his own instincts which caused him so much pain and repulsion.

“So, what is your motivation?”

“Hm?”

“Why are you still here?”, he tried again.

“I have nowhere else to go, monk. And every time I attempt to leave this – you – behind, you follow me. No matter where I go, you will find me. That, I am sure of,” the Calamity said.

Though that was not the answer the Sheikah had hoped for. “No, that is not what I meant. Why are you still here? What is your motivation in this world?”

The Calamity perked up at that and delivered the most logical lie it could think of at this moment. “Oh. To be better than everyone. Because I hate everyone and I want to be better than them, and-“

“Alright, I get it. But what is your real motivation?”, Maz interrupted him, when he realized where this was going. “You hide behind the mask of a cruel beast, but in truth you are more than that. You do not want the people to know of your intelligence. Why is that?”

“I see no reason to change their view of me. It matters not. They have their thoughts on me just like I have my thoughts on them. That is only fair, is it not? They regard to me as a monster, and I understand why.”

With a huff the Calamity lowered his gaze. “As for my motivation, I guess it is a nice change that I get to see the world for more than just a week, before I die- I mean, before the Goddess seals me away for centuries or so.”

Following that he lowered his telepathic voice, now seeming more subdued than Maz had ever seen him. “The only thing that really bothers me is that my head and my chest ache quite frequently, which is not desirable. Must be phantom pains from my previous lives, I think.”

“That does not sound very pleasant now, does it?”, asked the monk.

The Calamity just shrugged and replied in a somber tone. “We all die. Either you kill yourself or you get killed.”

The Sheikah did not know how to react to that, and when Ganon looked at his companion who was still deep in thought, he settled on lightening the heavy atmosphere surrounding them and started to move like he was dancing.

“What are you going to do? What are you going to do?”

Maz Koshia watched him for a couple of moments, before he gave in and his bad mood evaporated.

Then, the Calamity pulled out some of the remaining Malice he had stored in an invisible pocket and smiled at him disturbingly. “I'm hungry. Don't you eat ANY OF MY FOOD.”

He did not want the monk to eat his stuff, so he gifted him a hand of mighty bananas as a sign of his gratitude for his pleasant company. The surprised gasp of the monk told him that it was the right thing to do, because as soon as he handed him the bananas, Maz devoured them instantly and without removing the cloth obscuring his face. It was a strange sight to witness, but the Calamity was quite resistant to strangeness and did not mind it as much.

After a few more minutes enjoying the silence, a thought crossed the ancient monk's mind.

“How would you like it if we invited our four little hooved friends to join us?”

The beast’s face lit up in surprise. “Really? I would appreciate that.”

They teleported to the massive tree that housed the four small troublemakers and lured them out of their cozy nest into the light. Overly happy about their visitors, the piglets encircled the two entities with, and by doing so they raised a cloud of dust.

Suddenly, Ganon let out a sound similar to a sneeze. The piglets were spooked and ran away, while squeaking in panic.

Maz shook his head. “Nice, beast!”

“I sneezed! Oh, am I not allowed to sneeze?” Ganon complained, raising his arms defiantly.

“May Hylia, help those unfortunate souls who would dare prohibit you from doing anything you want! I am only concerned about the wellbeing of the piglets. They are a curios bunch for sure, but I also fear for their safety. They are far too trusting for their own good.”

“I have only known them for a short period of time, but if anything happened to them, I would kill everyone in this world and then myself,” Ganon promised, growling dangerously. His companion was used to that, so he did not flinch away every time his fierce nature overcame him.

“That is… reassuring. It makes me glad to know you like them, for they have already accepted you into their small family, and it would break my heart to see them disappointed if you just left them.”

“I would never!” swore the Calamity with a serious expression.

“By that I meant to say, I would never leave them. It is not like I am attached to them or anything, but they are dear to… to my…” he fell silent and frowned confusedly, when it hit him what he had been about to say. “Oh, what am I talking about? This- I- I would rather we drop this topic and remain silent for a while. Would that be acceptable for you?”

The monk threw him a long side glance, only to nod at him after thinking about his offer for a moment.

And just so, they spent the rest of the night stargazing on the Great Plateau, looking at the clear sky as if time had stopped, surrounded by the piglets sleeping peacefully next to them.