Chapter Text
It was hard, to say the least. Fighting biology and what you were born to become was not something you were supposed to do, and therefore hard and exhausting.
Felix first handedly knew how true these words were. Fighting your own mind, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute.
Not that anyone knew of his daily battle. But he preferred it that way.
Felix didn't even want to think of the scolding he would get from Chan, or the amount of motherly-ness he'd get from Minho, or the concern he'd get from the rest of them.
Not that he'd mind these things too much, to be honest.
Despite all these intrusive thoughts about how nice it'd be to tell someone, he refused to let himself dream too much. He'd fought too hard, struggled too much, to just let it all go down the drain.
Even now, he was exhausted from fighting it all day.
It was a normal Wednesday, busy and tiring. Felix wouldn't have it any other way, but that doesn't mean it doesn't get tedious every once in a while.
They have been in the practice room, dancing most of the day.
Tiring, sweaty, and dizzy are three words Felix could use to describe dance practice. Any other words would be along the lines of "adrenaline" "achy muscles" and, of course the ever present "shit I can't feel my legs."
Yeah. A normal Wednesday.
This Wednesday, however, had been particularly hard for Felix.
He'd been having a harder time lately fighting off his little side and pushing it down.
Chan decided that today, this lovely, wonderful, amazing Wednesday that they were gonna review all their dances from the last album "In Life" and spend the entire day dancing to them.
Yay.
Any other Wednesday, Felix wouldn't have minded so much. This particular Wednesday, he was on the verge of slipping, and rehearsing the dance for Easy was proving to be his downfall.
Part of the dance required Chan and Jisung to pick Felix up and rock him in between them, with him sitting on their arms.
If Felix had a better mental control, like usual, it wouldn't affect him this badly. However, as Chan and Jisung hoisted him up into their arms, Felix could feel himself start to slip.
Not physically, but it sure had that effect as he tried to yank himself out of headspace.
He fell off of Chan's and Jisung’s arms, luckily catching himself before he face-planted onto the hard floor, but still landing hard on his wrist with a twist.
The members rushed to him, the music stopping in the middle of Felix’s recorded verse.
"Felix!! Felix are you ok? I'm sorry, I should've caught you!" Chan was trying to apologize to Felix and ask him something at the same time.
"I-I'm fine, Chan. Seriously, stop fussing over me, I'm fine." Felix protested Chan's concern, concerned himself about his oncoming headspace.
Pain made a Littles headspace, no matter what age, more acute and more likely to slip. Felix was no exception.
The pain in his wrist, the worry in Chan's voice, the hovering and concern of the other members, and overall stress of constantly pushing away his Little Space; this felt like a last straw.
Forcing himself up, he pushed past the members and their worried shouts of protest and flung himself out of the practice room and into JYP halls.
Luckily, the others knew he needed some space and they let him go without following him. Felix knew he was gonna get scolded later back at the dorms, and rightfully so.
Right now, he didn't have a good excuse to why he pushed them away and ran; not without the explanation his little space brought.
He subconsciously made his way to a vacant stall in the public restrooms of JYP.
Actually, all the stalls were empty, much to Felix’s delight. No one was there.
Felix plopped down on the closed toilet seat lid of the stall furthest from the door, and he had never been as glad as he was now that JYP had nice restroom toilets.
Breathing deeply, he held his slightly swollen wrist to his chest, and willed his headspace away.
He was only fallen into his headspace twice. Once was when he figured out, he was a Little, like 30% of the population. The second time was, well, a story for a different time.
Point is, he didn't even know how to properly "fall" into his headspace. At this point, he only knew how to fight it.
So that's what he did.
Biting his lip, he tried not to let his tears fall, and failed. He choked on a sob, pulling his hand back to get a proper look at the damage.
Luckily, it looked like a simple sprain, not anything serious or too painful.
Again, he tried to steady his breathing and calm himself down from... Whatever breakdown he just had.
It wasn't really a breakdown, more like... a crack. Yeah, that's it. A crack in his defenses and otherwise impenetrable wall of sturdy and carefully controlled emotions.
Nothing to it. Heck, it was healthy even! That's what he tried to tell himself at least.
Right. Get out of your head, Felix.
Pulling himself off of the toilet lid, he shuffled slowly out of the stall to criticize himself in one of the slightly dirty restroom mirrors.
Oof. His eyes were bloodshot, and his cheeks (ew, freckles) were streaked with salty, wet, tears. His skin was still sticky with sweat, and his face was still slightly red from sobbing (not that he'd tell anyone he had been sobbing, shhh).
I look like I got hit by a truck.
Ok, his hair was not that much of a hot mess, which he counted as a bonus. Just... wet with sweat and hadn't been washed since last night.
What time is it anyway?
He looked to the wall on his upper right, to the clock that every bathroom in JYP seemed to have.
7:30. 7:30?!? Chan is gonna be pissed! They leave for home in an hour, and Felix still has to review five dances!
His eyes widened, pulling uncomfortably on his salt crusted eyes, before he turned on the faucet to wash his face (and hopefully his not-so-subtle tear-stained ego).
After he washed (read: scrubbed) his face and dried it on rough cheap paper towels (he guessed the toilets made up for the sandpaper they called paper towels), he made his way back to the Stray Kids practice room.
He took a deep, shuddering breath before twisting the knob to enter, praying that they don't make too big a fuss over the fact that he cried. "They" meaning the mom and dad of Stray Kids; Minho and Chan, respectively.
Well, biologically speaking, all of Stray Kids would have a parental aura.
Meaning that they were all Caregivers. Yep.
All. Of. Them.
Caregivers made up 30% of the population. Caregivers usually had uncanny strength, a comforting scent, and a way to calm any Little or child down.
Which made it hard for Felix, a Little, the only Little in Stray Kids, to hide anything.
Caregivers had, he swears, a sixth sense. They always knew when something was wrong or amiss.
They were out of milk? Minho had a feeling they were low and had picked some up.
Jeongin stole Sungbin’s candy? Seungmin could just tell, though Felix wasn't sure if that was a caregiver trait or just a Seungmin thing. Both were possible.
Chan was in his studio without any food and sleep deprived? Changbin always knew somehow and would drag his ass out by his ears if need be.
Hyunjin was feeling down? Jisung could tell and knew just what to do.
It kinda freaked Felix out sometimes. One time, he twisted his ankle during an exceptionally draining practice, and tried to hide it. Within five minutes of arriving home, Chan had him pinned down and was examining his ankle, wrapping it carefully afterwards.
Yeah. Kinda freaky. Just like now.
The second Felix stepped foot into the practice room where B Me was blaring loudly, seven pairs of eyes turned to him.
He froze, staring back awkwardly. The music stopped abruptly, probably Jisung's doing. He always seemed to be in charge of the speakers.
"Hey, are you ok?" Seungmin was the first one to speak, voicing all of their question with his own.
Felix nodded, throat suddenly deciding to clog up with unshed tears. Maybe he shouldn't have left the restroom so soon...
"Uh," He cleared his throat, forcing himself to answer, "y-yeah, I'm fine. I just, uh, I just..." Think, Felix, think! "The fall made me need the bathroom?" He ended his (false, mind you) answer.
"Why do you say it like a question?" Minho squinted suspiciously at his answer.
"No reason?" He answered (again, falsely). He shuffled in place nervously, hoping against hope that they wouldn't pick up on his obvious lie, to no avail.
"Felix, why are you holding your hand like that?" Jeongin pointed out. Felix mentally cursed the perceptive maknae.
"I, um, I fell on it and didn't notice until I got into the bathroom." Another lie, Felix could feel the hot throbbing the moment it happened.
Don't tell them that though.
"Let me see it." Hyunjin demanded, carefully (but still forcefully) taking Felix's small, injured hand into his own large one. Out of habit, Felix started chewing the thumb nail on his other hand.
"This is a pretty nasty sprain Felix. Chan, come look at this." Hyunjin observed before calling their leader over to get a second opinion.
Chan walked over, gently taking Felix's baby hand from Hyunjin to see the damage himself.
"Yep, this will take at least two weeks to completely heal, but I'm no doctor." He commented with a frown. "Guys, let's go home for the night, and take Felix to the doctor’s office in the morning, but he needs ice on it right now."
The members scattered, excited about being done for the day, despite being concerned for one of their members injury.
Usually, their practices go from about eight in the morning to nine at night, meaning that they would be leaving a whole hour earlier than usual today.
It made Felix feel a little guilty. They had to cut their practice short because he couldn't keep his emotions in check and not fuck up.
Nevertheless, Felix started to head towards his bag that was at the far end of the practice room, ready to go home for the day, still biting his finger lightly After all, Chan's the leader for a reason, and what he says goes.
"You're not seriously thinking of carrying that bag with an injured hand, are you? Cause that would be a very stupid thing to do." Seungmin’s reprimanding voice nearly scared the shit out of Felix, who was absent mindedly packing up his stuff.
He glanced up to see the taller, but younger, looking at him with one eyebrow raised in question, basically saying itself "what kind of idiot are you?"
Felix groaned, but answered anyway. "Yeah, actually, I was. It’s good to be responsible for your own things, isn't it?"
Seungmin frowned, and his eyebrow raised higher (how??).
"Yeah... no I don't think so." Seungmin grabbed the bag from Felix's grasp, ignoring his whines of protest. "Since when do you want to act 'responsible' anyway?" He added, standing up and heading towards the door the others were gathered up at.
Any other time, having Seungmin carry his bag for him would be a much needed and appreciated relief. Not today, as you know why.
One by one, they filed out of the door, Chan in the lead with Felix last. They all followed Chan, not unlike ducklings, out near the road where their driver was already waiting, sitting idle with the huge van already running.
Minho walked ahead of Chan and opened to car door, holding it open for everyone to climb in before climbing in after Felix was seated.
He sat next to Felix, much to his unfortunate luck.
He sat between Seungmin and Minho, slightly squished, but warm and secure.
Seungmin still had his bag, along with his own on his lap.
Struggling lightly to try and wiggle his way out of between his two members, he tried to reach for his bag, bumping his wrist in the process.
He hissed, tears threatening to well up. Well, if It didn't hurt before, it does now.
Minho immediately took notice, pulling him into his lap and out of harm’s way.
He immediately stiffened, his cheeks awkwardly heating up. It’s not uncommon for them to sit in each other's laps like this.
This time?? Sitting in Minho's lap, his hyungs lap, a Caregivers lap, made him feel very very small.
That in itself made him panic.
No, no, nope, nope, nope!
He tried to steady his breathing before he flew into a full-blown panic attack, wiggling around on Minho's lap uncomfortably, trying vainly to get out of his vise-like grip.
"You ok? You look constipated." Jisung commented, raising an eyebrow. Why was everyone raising their eyebrow at him today?
"Yeah, just- just tired I guess." He lamely explained. Everyone raised their eyebrow at that.
"...Right." Chan didn't believe him for one second, even with Felix looking at him with the most innocent face he could muster up.
"Lemme go, Hyung. I wanna sit on the seat, not your lap." He wriggled more, finally succeeding, and sat back down in between Minho and Seungmin, ignoring Minho's pout of protest.
Felix rolled his eyes at his hyungs' antics, laying his head on Seungmin’s shoulder and closing his eyes, hoping to feign sleep in hopes of getting home sooner.
~ (◍•ᴗ•◍) ~
Stray Kids' dorm was about a half hour away from the main building, for security reasons of course.
With his eyes still closed, he could anticipate every turn and road they drove down, before finally slowing and parking in the parking lot of the dorms.
To be fair, it wasn't "just" Stray Kids dorms, but included many groups under JYP.
JYP paid for a big fancy building to house its artists somewhere safe and secluded. Artists, meaning GOT7, Day6, Stray Kids, Boy Story, 2PM, etc.
The girl groups of JYP were housed somewhere nearby, and they could visit each other anytime.
With that being said, because the building housed so many people, it was obvious it was a nice place.
About 10 stories high, each group had their own floor. Floor eight happened to be their floor. Floor one, the ground floor, had a kitchen, a cafeteria, a gym, and a (small) studio and dance room for late night projects and sleepless nights.
It also had a convenient parking garage to the left of the building that held company and personal cars.
The vehicle pulled into a vacant spot in said garage, and Felix opened his eyes, slightly dizzy.
Minho opened the door and climbed out first, Felix and Seungmin following. They waited until all of them had exited the vehicle before heading inside the door on the main floor, not unlike a pack of wild monkeys.
While the others chatted loudly and raced down the halls to the elevators, Felix walked calmy and quietly. Any other day, and he would be up there with them, laughing and racing.
Chan, being the mature one of the group, also refrained from running and instead strode side-by-side with Felix.
The walk was silent, but he could feel Chan's inquisitive gaze on him the entire time, probably analyzing and trying to figure out the best way to talk about his sudden mood swings.
Felix ignored him too, too drained mentally and physically to care.
They reached the elevator where the others were impatiently waiting for them.
"Finally!" Jisung dramatically said in English, clicking the button to take them to their floor. Hyunjin laughed at his dramatics, mocking him slightly.
"FiNaLlY," He mimicked, trying his best to speak the foreign language.
Chan laughed slightly, before shaking his head at the two.
The elevator rose up before stopping at their floor and they all shoved their way out.
"What does everyone want for dinner?" Chan called out, heading to the kitchen, to presumably make food for the entire group.
"Chicken!" Jeongin called back from somewhere in the other room. Ah yes, chicken, the main supplement of Stray Kids diets.
"No! Bibimbap!" Hyunjin screeched in protest from down the hall.
"Bitch-!! No, chicken!" Jeongin screamed back. Hyunjin came stomping down the hall and into the living room where Jeongin sat, ready to fight him.
Jeongin stood up, and the two had a stare down before Jisung walked in and looked at them weirdly.
"Why can't we have Bibimbap and chicken??" He asked, like the peace maker he was not.
Hyunjin and Jeongin blinked blankly at Jisung before resuming their stare down. Jisung just sighed like the weight of the music industry rested on his shoulders and walked to where Felix stood, who was watching the entire exchange with amusement.
"What do you want for dinner?" Jisung asked him, ignoring the tow caregivers who had just started physically fighting, like it was a normal occurrence. Which, in his defense, it was normal.
"I dunno, chicken nuggets??" Felix shrugged, gazing off into the distance, mouthwatering slightly.
Jisung frowned at him momentarily, before perking up. "Hey, that's actually a good idea! I think we have some in the freezer, lemme check."
He walked out of the entryway, most likely to talk to Chan and check the freezer, Felix guessed.
He continued down the hall towards his shared room with Jisung and away from the Jeongin dolphin screeching and Hyunjin's dramatic yelps. He wasn't too worried about them; they did this every day.
Felix appreciated the effort they put in to make it seem like a normal day, but the air still felt tense, and he knew they would most likely be having a family meeting in an hour or two.
Like he said before, Caregivers have some sort of 6th sense about problems, and he was sure they had all felt how tense he was.
Not that Felix himself had that 6th sense.
When he first came to Korea, he introduced himself as a Neutral, someone who was neither a Little nor Caregiver.
A Neutral had no headspace, unlike Littles, and no 6th sense, unlike Caregivers. Neutrals were, well, neutral.
In the category of "Neutrals" there were three sub-groups.
Neutrals with Caregiver tendencies, Neutrals with Neutral tendencies, and Neutrals with Little tendencies.
Neutrals with Caregiver tendencies had more of a paternalistic instinct than just a plain Neutral. Caregivers are wonderful parents and caretakers for everyone, not just Littles.
Likewise, Neutrals with Caregiver tendencies were good with Children and Littles. In a sense, they were the babysitters. Not a permanent job, but they do it fairly well for a short amount of time.
Neutrals with Neutral tendencies were the normal people. No Little side, no strong paternal instincts. Simply "neutral."
Neutrals with Little tendencies were also good with Children, but not in a babysitting type of way. They played well with Littles and Children, and understood them on a different level, but they aren't very reliable to leave your Little or kid with.
That being explained, Felix introduced himself as a Neutral with Little tendencies. His original lie was to have him as a simple Neutral, but he figured that if he ever slipped up and acted younger, a Neutral with Little tendencies would make more sense.
Thank goodness nobody questioned him.
Felix swiftly entered his room and closed the door behind him. He wanted to at least shower before he ate and was forced to lie about what happened today.
He grabbed a pair of Tweedy Bird pajama pants and one of Chans t-shirts that "happened" to be in his drawer (shh, don't tell Chan) and a pair of boxers, being mindful of his swollen wrist. As a last-minute thought, he swallowed two pain pills from his reserves (he had a bottle of pain pills stashed in his underwear drawer) to tide off the pain while he showered.
Shuffling into the bathroom, he closed and locked the door, and tried to undress.
Key word: tried.
He struggled to take his shirt off, standing in the middle of the bathroom in only his boxers.
He whined in frustration, before sighing in defeat and opened the bathroom door to peek his head out.
Debating for a moment, he finally called someone for help. "Chan Hyung! Can you come help me?"
He heard a yelled response which sounded like a "sure, just a minute" and closed the door of the bathroom to wait.
A couple moments later, a soft knock sounded on the door he was resting his head on.
He quickly opened the door to let Chan in, closing it behind him afterwards.
"What did you need help with?" Chan asked, giving him a once-over to make sure he didn't hurt himself (other than his wrist, obviously).
"I, uh," Felix stammered, suddenly becoming shy, "I need help getting my shirt off, it hurts my wrist too much." He might've taken pain pills, but it'll be at least a half hour before they kick in.
Chan laughed lightly. "Oh, is that all? I thought it was gonna be something serious." Felix whined at his teasing, pouting.
Chan gripped the hem of his shirt, tugging it up softly. "Arms up," he demanded softly.
Felix raised his arms, and Chan finished pulling his shirt off, being cautious about his wrist.
"Felix, you can out your arms down now." Chan laughed at him. Laughed at him!!
"Ok, thanks Hyung." Felix said, stepping away from the door so Chan could leave.
"I'll be in the kitchen if you need me for anythi- Hey is that one of my shirts?" Chan stopped mid-sentence, spotting the plain black tee with the rest of Felix’s clothes.
"Uhhhh, I don't know what you're talking about. I think I hear Minho hyung looking for you, I'll call ya if I need ya, byyyeeee!" Felix pushed Chan out of the bathroom, almost making him trip.
To be fair though, Minho really was looking for him.
Felix heaved out a breath of relief, locking the bathroom door before continuing his strip session and walking into the stand-in shower.
Turning the water up as high and hot as it would go, Felix stood idly as the water turned him bright red, lost in thought.
Today was a close call. He almost, almost slipped. Considering he hadn't slipped in four years, that was concerning.
All those emotions, feelings, and urges were stronger today than ever before. And that included his elimination before debut.
Don't get him wrong, his elimination was one of the hardest times of his entire life, but when that happened the promise of not slipping was too fresh that he never considered it.
What if... he did slip? What would happen? Felix involuntarily shuddered at the thought, panic creeping up his spine.
He shook his head, willing away all thoughts that contained any fraction of his headspace. Grabbing his shower poof, he started washing himself with his peppermint body wash, scrubbing harder than necessary (using his left hand of course).
His body become an even brighter red, the irritation caused by the loofa making scratches on his delicate thighs and skin.
After he was done with that, he squirted some strawberry scented shampoo into the palm of his hand, and almost started to scrub before his wrist sent a shooting pain up his arm, reminding him that he was unable to do the simplest tasks at the moment without a lot of pain.
Felix sighed, and desperately thought of what to do that didn't involve Chan washing his hair like he was a baby that couldn't do it himself.
It seemed though, that he was out of options.
He heaved a sigh and resigned to his fate. He stepped out of the shower (not turning it off, he planned to get back in) and opened the door, peeking his head out for the second time, his hair slick with water and half-scrubbed suds.
"Channie hyung! I need help again..." He yelled to his hyung that was most likely in the kitchen. He hated to ask his busy hyung for help when he should've been able to do it himself.
"Hey, Chan sent me cause he's busy. What do you need help with?" Jisung answered in Chan's place.
"I can't wash my hair." He replied back lamely.
"I can help with that! I need to shower anyway, and Seungmin took the other bathroom, the brat. Hang on a sec and I'll go get my clothes." Jisung rapped out exuberantly.
Felix made a noise of protest, but by then, Jisung was already long gone. He shrugged; it wasn't like they hadn't showered together before anyway.
He stepped back into the shower, trying not to let the shampoo from his hair run into his eyes.
He head the bathroom door softly open and close, and some shuffling from behind the shower curtain.
The curtain pulled back, and Jisung stood there in his naked 5'7 glory, smiling broadly.
Felix smiled back. Despite his current circumstances, Jisung was still his twin and one of his best friends. Who could deny such a cutie a smile?
Certainly not Lee Felix.
Felix stepped further into the shower, gesturing for Jisung to get in with him. Jisung stepped into the shower, instantly coming behind Felix to wrap his arms around his waist.
Felix sighed contently and leaned back into the elder, let Jisung hold both of their weights. Not like it was a struggle for him and his weird Caregiver super-strength.
Jisung softly rocked them back and forth for a minute, before pulling back and softly saying, "Here, sit up and I'll wash your hair."
Felix did as told, pulling forward enough for Jisung to wash his hair under the shower head.
He softly massaged and scrubbed Felix's scalp, careful not to get it in his eyes. He felt so tiny, like this. Letting one of his hyungs (even if he was only older by a day) take care of him and do everything for him. It felt so right.
And that's where Felix put a stop to those feelings.
As soon as Jisung washed the last bit of conditioner out of his hair, he slipped out of Jisung’s grasp, intending to get out of the shower and get dressed before his mind swallowed him completely.
"Hey, where are you going?" Jisung called after him, poking his head out of the shower stall after him.
"I'm done and gonna get dressed." Felix replied, picked up his towel and tried to wrap it around his waist. And failed. Hmm. Seemed like even tying a simple towel requires two hands.
"Wait a minute for me to wash up and then I'll help you get dressed." Jisung interjected, disappearing out of site to finish his shower.
Felix still tried to get dressed himself, anyway, not getting very far before he heard the water shut off behind him and Jisung closing the door of the shower stall.
"Here let me help." Jisung offered, making Felix glare slightly.
"I don't need your stupid help." He grumbled out, still struggling with his pajama pants. Luckily, he was able to put his boxers on without any help.
Well, mostly. They were still bunched up at the waistline, but right now that was the least if his worries.
"Fine. Try to do it yourself. I'll watch." Jisung retorted sassily.
He tried; he really did. But sadly, the pants won this battle. He gave up, glaring at the offending clothing.
"Ready to accept my help?" Jisung teased him. Felix just nodded helplessly.
Jisung finished pulling Felix's pants up his legs until they were snug around his waist. Unfolding the shirt, he observed it before bunching it up for the head hole to go on easy.
"Isn't this Chan hyungs shirt?" He speculated.
"Just put the damn shirt on me." He blushed lightly at getting caught.
"Arms up." Felix wordlessly did as told, letting Jisung pull the fabric onto his head and arms and down his torso.
"Thanks. I'm leaving now." Felix said clipped, not looking Jisung in the eyes.
"Ok, tell the others I'll be out in a minute."
Felix hated having others do things for him. Not because he was prideful, but because it always made him feel small and loved.
And he wasn't allowed to feel that way.
He exited the bathroom and went back to his room to dispose of his dirty laundry before heading to the kitchen where everyone else was.
Seungmin and Minho both had wet hair, like himself, so he assumed they had already taken a shower as well.
They were both on their phones, Seungmin at the table and Minho on a bar stool, switching from looking at his phone to watching Chan.
Chan was cooking something on the stove, smelling suspiciously like ramyeon.
Hyunjin and Jeongin sat across from each other at the table, pouting, probably because neither of them got what they wanted for dinner.
Felix inwardly scoffed at their antics, but it wasn't anything new to be honest.
"Hey Felix. Where is Jisung?" Minho said, glancing at him from the bar stool.
"He's getting dressed."
Speak of the devil, Jisung came up from behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head on the crook of his neck, a position almost identical to the one they were in earlier while showering.
"Sit down, food should be ready any minute." Chan told them, not looking up from the bubbling pot of noodles he was frantically stirring.
Felix and Jisung separated, taking a seat at the table, Felix next to Jeongin and Jisung next to Hyunjin.
Their table was fairly small, only holding about ten people max, if they squished up. It held the eight of them just fine though, with plenty of elbow room.
Chan, as the leader and oldest, usually sat at the head of the table. Minho was on his right, Seungmin on his left.
Hyunjin was on Seungmin's left, Jisung on his. Jeongin was on Minho's right, and Felix on his, with Changbin taking up the other end.
Speaking of Changbin, where was he?
Like the gods above had heard Felix’s unanswered question, Changbin magically appeared out of nowhere, his hair wet and he was muttering something about 'stupid Seungmin and Minho for using the rest of the shampoo.'
He sat down in his spot, the end across from Chan.
Chan set down the pot of ramyeon in the middle of the table, Seungmin offering to get bowls and chopsticks while Chan sat down.
After he came back and passed out all the bowls and sat down, they said grace to bless the food before digging in.
It was silent for about 30 seconds (a record) before everyone started talking at once.
Jeongin, Hyunjin, and Jisung were arguing about whether Unicorns could have magic or if that was a myth.
"No, Unicorns don't have magic. Luck is not magic," Jisung was saying. "Unicorns are just a horse with a mutated gene making a bone grow from their skull." He said, perfectly serious.
"I don't think so, I'm pretty sure Unicorns have magic. Why how else would they fart rainbows?" Jeongin countered.
"Pabo! That's a myth, just like those Platy-pusses." Hyunjin argued back. Chan opened his mouth, looking like he wanted to say something, but closed it with a sigh, giving up.
"Platypuses aren't myths! If anything was a myth, it would be one of those 'blob fishes'." Jeongin retaliated.
"Blob fishes are real Innie. They have proof." Jisung supplied.
"Oh really? Why haven't I seen one then?"
"Because you aren't special Innie." Seungmin interjected to their argument. "Plus, if anything was a myth, it'd be mermaids, not blob fish."
Hyunjin and Jisung blew up at that.
"What do you mean mermaids are a myth?!" Jisung shouted, bewildered.
"98% of the ocean is unexplored, and nobody has even been to the bottom of the Marianna Trench. We have no idea what could be down there!" Hyunjin shouted.
Felix had given up trying to eat, unable to get his hand to hold his chopsticks right. He listened to the discussion going on, which changed from mermaids to dragons, and at some point Minho joined the chaos they called "calmly discussing".
"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME TOOTHLESS ISN'T REAL?!" Hyunjin screeched out, nearly knocking over his bowl of forgotten Ramyeon.
Ah yes. "calmly discussing".
"BITCH! HE'S A FUCKING CARTOON!" Minho shouted back.
Hyunjin made an inhuman screech.
"Hey Felix, why aren't you eating?" Changbin asked before someone murdered over a cartoon. That got everyone's attention.
Wow, thanks Changbin, giving me the spotlight.
"Felix hasn't eaten?" Jeongin asked, concerned.
"Uh... no?" He lamely answered. "I can't hold the chopsticks."
"Shit, I forgot to get you a bag of ice, didn't I?" Chan looked stricken, a hurt look planting itself on his face.
"It’s fine, Channie Hyung, I took some pain pills earlier, so it doesn't hurt."
"Just because you can't feel the pain doesn't mean you should ignore that your injured. Hang on, I'll get an ice pack now." Chan pushed his chair and headed towards the freezer to get one of their many ice packs.
Felix felt something nudge his cheek. That something was Changbin holding a bite of Ramyeon up to his lips.
"Open up. I'm not letting you go hungry." He demanded.
"No, it's fine Hyung. I can use my left hand." Felix declined, pushing the rising panic of being taken care of away.
Changbin scoffed. "Yeah, right. No, I don't think so. Open up."
Felix had no choice but to open his mouth and accept the bite of lukewarm Ramyeon, sending a silent prayer to God to keep his headspace away.
Chan came back with an ice pack, giving it to Felix who gently set it on his injured wrist before taking another bite from Changbin.
Bite after bite, Changbin fed him until the bowl was gone, unaware of all the members eyes on them, watching.
When he finished the last bite, Changbin set down the chopsticks neatly across the bowl, waiting to be cleared and washed.
Felix unintentionally let out a tiny burp, blushing lightly at the others giggles, before getting hiccups.
Hiccups shook his thin frame, and he stood up to clear his place when a hand on his arm stopped him.
"It’s fine, I'll do them tonight." Minho told him, taking the bowl he was holding.
Felix looked conflicted. He usually jumps at the chance of getting out of chores, but he really wanted to help. If he didn't help, he felt like people were doing things for him, and that made him feel small, and... You get the gist of it.
But look Minho have him told him he should listen this time and go somewhere else.
So, he wandered into the living room, where Hyunjin, Jeongin, Jisung, and Seungmin had already started a movie, How To Train Your Dragon, not surprisingly.
Felix almost went and joined them, but Chan came up and whispered to him softly, "I need to talk to you," before gently grabbing his arm and leading him to the leaders shared bedroom with Minho.
Chan gently closed the door behind them, the noises of the movie and the clanks of dishes dulling. He gestured for Felix to sit on the bed.
Not gonna lie, Felix was starting to panic. What's with him and panicking today?!
"What did you want to talk about?" Felix asked calmly, greatly contrasting the inner turmoil he was feeling.
"I've noticed you've been struggling today. Do you have anything you want to talk about?" Chan asked, sitting cross-legged on Minho's bed facing Felix.
And, for a half a second, Felix considered telling him. He really did.
He wanted, so badly, to tell Chan, his Hyung, about his struggles.
But then a little voice whispered in the back of his mind "What if he hates you? What if he kicks you out of the group because you can't been take care of yourself?"
Well then. Guess not.
"I guess I've just been stressed. I kinda had a breakdown earlier at practice, I didn't mean to." He lied like he was born for it, which is surprising because Felix is a horrible liar.
Chan gave him a look, one that almost said, "Why don't I believe you?"
And honestly? Felix doesn't blame him.
But it looks like Chan bought the lie. For now. "I suggest you get to bed early tonight then; we have to go to the doctor tomorrow to get your wrist checked and I don't really want you to have a breakdown in the waiting room." He joked, half serious.
Felix forced out a fake laugh. "Yeah, we wouldn't want that..."
There was an awkward, pregnant pause.
"So, I'm gonna go to bed now." Felix informed, standing up and walking to the door.
"Good idea." Chan said.
"And Felix?" Felix’s hand stopped at the door handle. "Don't forget that you can tell us anything. We love you and only want what's best for you." Chan reminded him, voice soft.
He nodded mutely, not trusting his voice. "Night Hyung." He choked out, rushing out of the room before his dam broke.
He practically ran to his room, hoping Jisung hadn't already decided to turn in. Hope liked him this time.
He flung himself into his bed, pulling his covers over his head.
The dam broke.
The first tear slipped past his defenses, beginning the cascade of tears that tore down his puffy cheeks.
He silently cried, trying to muffle his sobs.
Why was life so unfair? What did he do to deserve this?
Every day, fighting and struggling, knowing the second he gave in, he would be knocked down and out of the fight for good.
He was tired, so tired. But he knew, he knew that if they knew, he would be kicked from the group. They wouldn't want a Little like him.
Broken, beaten, but strong willed all the same. No one wants a Little like him, that looks like him, that acts like him.
Right?
Nobody would want him. He's lucky they tolerate him now, when he was independent.
Nobody wants to love a full-grown adult that acts like a two-year-old.
Nobody.
Besides, he doesn't even act like a Little. He's too skinny, voice too deep. Nobody wants a bony demon as a Little.
Disgusting, his mind supplied, oh-so-helpfully stupid. No one will ever want you. You can't even take care of yourself.
The tiny demonic voice almost seemed familiar, but with the war going on in his mind, he couldn't identify it.
Just give up. Leave. Leave before they find out and kick you out.
He ignored that part. Where would he go?? Nobody would even want to take him in.
The door to his room opened, and he choked on his sobs, desperately trying to silence them.
"Lixie? You awake?" A voice, Felix identified as Jisung, questioned quietly. Felix didn't make any noise, pretending to already be asleep.
"I guess not." Jisung’s voice crept closer, until Felix felt the mattress dip down, presumably from Jisung sitting on it. "Y'know, even if you are asleep, I hope you know that we all love you. I know you hate it when we take care of you, and I can't figure out why for the life of me, but we really do love you." Jisung stopped talking, his breath the only noise in the dark room, before he finished speaking, "Anyway, I hope you sleep well, see you tomorrow baby."
Felix’s cheeks heated up at the nickname, and he had a feeling Jisung knew he wasn't asleep.
6th sense, he guessed.
Jisung stood up from Felix’s bed, presumably to go to bed himself. Felix listened to his roommate shuffle around, probably trying to find his charger to plug in his phone.
Felix waited until the shuffling stopped, before he quietly crept into the bathroom down the hall.
Flipping on the light, he surveyed the damage sobbing did to his face and how long it would take to de-puff.
Honestly? The damage was pretty bad.
Sighing, he splashed his face with cold water, trying to rub the salt out of his eyes. He then brushed his teeth and did his nightly skin routine (breakdowns are no excuse to forgo skin routines).
He did his business, and made his way back to his bedroom, the pain in his wrist starting to reaper.
Now that he thinks about it, he left his ice pack on Chans bed. Oh well, it's too late to go get it now, he'll just go without and take an extra pill.
Walking through the doorway, he bumped right into something. Well, someone.
"Careful Felix." Minho chided him, reaching a handout to steady him.
"Minho Hyung, what are you doing in my room?" Felix asked after getting his bearings.
"Chan sent me to give you the ice pack you left in our bedroom," Oh, that gets rid of that problem. "But it was kinda melted, so I got you a new one, and- hey, have you been crying?" Minho stopped mid-sentence and asked, taking in Felix's bloodshot eyes.
"Would you believe me if I said no?" Felix tried to joke.
"Uh, no."
"Well, at least I tried."
"Why were you crying? What's wrong?"
Felix sighed. "It’s nothing hyung, promise. I'm just a bit stressed." He lied again, and this time it somehow came out easier.
Minho furrowed his eyebrows in concern. "That's not a good thing Felix."
"I know hyung. But I'm really tired and I'd like to get some sleep before we have to get up in the morning."
"Oh right. Here," He held out the ice pack he was still holding, and Felix took it, "goodnight then. See ya in the morning Pixie." Minho kissed his forehead, before walking toward his bedroom.
Ah, there it was again. After Minho called him "Pixie" his brain short-circuited, and his cheeks burned up. He stood in the hallway in front of his door, listening to the movie Hyunjin, Jeongin and Seungmin were still watching, trying to gather his thoughts.
Damn classification.