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Q empties his pockets onto the dining table. The contents scatter across the tabletop - keys, spare battery pack, cable, phone, pen, wallet, receipts and bits of folded paper. When he doesn’t find what he’s looking for, he grabs James’ coat from the entrance hall and does the same - his movements getting more frantic with the every passing moment. He checks the lining including the secret pocket and gives the coat a good shake. Nothing.
He then goes over to James in the kitchen, who is pouring himself a drink of water and starts to frisk him from behind. Amused, the older man quips after he’s swallowed a mouthful of water, “What are you looking for?” and adds, ”Oh hello—“ when Q’s hands reach around to check his front trouser pockets, “—haven’t you had enough last night?”
“Where’s Herbie?”
“Wasn’t the little fella napping in your pocket?”
“No. I thought he was with you… Not again,” Q huffs picking up his phone to text his wayward robot.
They’d just returned from a relaxing brunch after dropping off Q’s father at the train station. Q was sad to see his father go, the holiday’s had been a surprisingly pleasant one. With James and his father getting along and Herbie being enamoured with the new human and his companion dog.
:: Where are you Herbie? ::
:: Adventure ::
:: Yes alright, but where? ::
:: <location tracker> ::
Q taps the link that takes him to the tracking app on his phone. Real-time GPS location tells him that Herbie is in Kent and travelling at speed. What the—?
“The little bugger’s in Kent!”
Bond finishes his drink of water, “Kent? How did he—. Ohh…”
:: Code green. Herbie with Granpa. Q & 007 not worry ::
“Not to worry? Oh, it’s only classified government tech that has literally grown legs and wandered away from the chain of custody. Just a security breach, that’s all…,” Q runs a hand through his hair. “I’m calling dad.”
Patrick answers the phone after a few rings. Q doesn’t even bother with a greeting, “Dad? Did you steal my robot?
“What? I did no such thing!” the lack of incredulity and that Patrick defends himself immediately, indicates to Q that his father is already aware of the situation. Patrick continues with his denial, ”Frankly I’m hurt that you’d accuse me of such a thing.”
“Dad! I’m not joking. Herbie is classified!” Q scolds.
“I didn’t - he just… popped out of Quark’s fur. The little stowaway.”
A frustrated muffled scream escapes Q, the sound coming out as an unintelligible whine.
“Look, the little fella just wants to go on an adventure with his grandpa. I’ll mail him back to you in a few weeks,” Patrick negotiates with his son.
“Dad, you’re going to put classified government tech in the post?!” Q points out the flaw in the plan.
“First class, priority mail?” Patrick suggests sheepishly.
“DAD!” Q stomps his foot. Dealing with his father who was over-eager to fulfil what he sees as his grandfatherly duties and an increasingly independent AI is really testing his patience.
Okay, so maybe not, Patrick thinks. “I’ll bring him back in a couple of weeks? Didn’t you say you they were replaceable? Surely you have more of them in the lab. You said it yourself, the magic is in the AI, not the shell.”
“Yes but that’s not the point! The robot shell is still classified.”
“Alright, alright. No need to get testy with your old man.” Onboard the Eurostar, Patrick turns to Herbie resting under a newspaper on the table in front of him and whispers, “You got grandpa in trouble with Q.” A lady across the aisle looks over at the old man with the crazy silver hair talking to himself and frowns. Patrick pretends to talk to Quark.
:: Herbie, why did you run away? Don’t you want to live with me and 007 anymore? :: Q texts his AI.
:: Herbie not run away ::
:: Herbie live with Grandpa Patrick and Quark. Herbie live with Q and 007 ::
:: Herbie inhabit multiple residences ::
“Come on son, the little fella just wants to spend more time with his grandpa. More than I can say about my own son - always at work, hardly ever calls. Have a heart, surely you won’t deny a lonely old man that privilage?” Patrick resorts to guilt tripping.
“Don’t be too flattered. It probably just wants to spend more time with Quark,’ Q snarks back.
“Ouch… Q, give your old man more credit.”
:: Grandpa take Herbie see Large Hadron Collider ::
“Yes, we are buddy. We’re going to unravel the mysteries of the universe,” Patrick promises the bot with a flourish. The lady in the aisle gives him the stink eye.
Q sighs - alright yes, it is possible for the AI to be at multiple places at once. And it’s probably good for the AI to learn more about humans than just from himself and James.
Bond, who has been listening in all this while pipes up, “Suppose you can put down the loss of this bot on my account, as you do for everything else…”
“Funny. It’s still against protocol.”
“You can blame that on me as well,” James smirks.
Q narrows his eyes at James in warning but resumes the call with his father, “Fine dad. Keep the bot. But keep it out of sight! And if it gets in serious trouble, just leave it. It’s programmed to self destruct if it cant be recovered safely. Don’t do anything stupid trying to rescue it,” Q warns his father and proceeds give him a checklist of maintenance instructions “…and don’t let Herbie play too long in water, it's only IP64 rated. Give it a good disinfectant wipe down every day, it picks up into all sorts from surfaces.”
Patrick dutifully hums acknowledgement to all of them before hanging up.
“So, that’s settled then? We just need to pick up another spiderbot from the lab?” Bond confirms.
“Yes… But not today. Consider it Herbie’s time-out for running away,” Q firms his resolve. Someone has to discipline the AI.
As if on cue, Q gets a smug text :: Herbie home soon ::
“What?” Q says after reading it. Next thing he knows, he gets a notification on his phone that informs him that his prototype Q-Branch Tesla has just arrived outside the building. “No way. No fucking way. It wouldn’t dare…” Q verbalises is disbelief.
Bond strides over to the window, Q following closely behind. They look down onto the street below. A dark grey Tesla with a government number plate is pulling to a stop in front of their flat. Once it comes to a full stop, the rear left gull-wing door lifts partway.
From this distance, Q can’t make anything out, but Bond has sharper eyesight and his impressed exhale tells Q everything he dreads. “The cheeky bugger drove himself home!” Bond supplies the redundant commentary.
:: Open door. Please :: Herbie requests with a polite adverb. Despite all its achievements, Herbie still needs someone to help open manual doors if it is too thick to fit under it.
When Q pulls back the door to the building, Herbie swans into the foyer confidently - spindly little spider legs clicking rapidly on the hardwood floor.
:: Herbie home. Ta-da :: it announces once inside with a cheeky whistle, mightily pleased with itself.
James chuckles from the stairs, arms folded across his chest, “Didn’t run over anyone did you?”
:: Herbie good driver. No traffic rules broken. Roads 68% clear. Stop for 27 pedestrians. 34 people looked. 19 photos :: Herbie recounts its journey home.
Q looks like he’s about to burst a vessel. James fails to suppress a smile, “Bet they did.” An unsupervised driverless car going about London is bound to catch some attention, also not to mention completely illegal no matter how good the technology. Q is going to have scrub all photos and mention of the little trip from social media - or make Herbie do it as penance.
The little bot makes to climb onto Q’s trainers to hitch ride upstairs, but the human clears his throat, “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
Herbie tips to one side, looking up at Q puzzled.
Q gestures to the car outside with a jerk of his head, “Are you going park the Tesla or are you just going to leave it in the middle of the street?”
The little hop-turn and surprised beep Herbie does, tells Q that the multi-tasking AI did forget about the car now blocking the road.
:: Bye Tesla :: Herbie waves at the car. The Tesla signals and pulls away, presumably back to HQ.
Q draws a deep breath, he’s not sure how to handle all of this. It’s amazing and cute and all, but Christ is his AI a handful and then some. Sensing Q’s internal debate, James trots down the final few steps and comes over to scoop up Herbie.
When the spiderbot is securely settled on his shoulder, he takes Q by the hand and leads everyone back up to the flat. “Come on, we can watch the Tesla make it back to HQ together on the big telly. Herbie you got the CCTV feed?”
Herbie whistles affirmative and buzzes in excitement, eager to put on a show for Q and 007. Bond feels Q give in to the situation through their linked hands. No one said it would be easy bringing up an AI.
----- End -----