Chapter Text
“Halt right there.”
Raph skidded to a stop, planting himself between his brothers and the large contingent of Hidden City police. Raph knew they were technically still wanted because of that whole prison break thing, but Draxum wasn’t even with them, and they should have been far enough away from the city to not attract attention.
But apparently they did. And now all that being far from the city meant was that they were alone in a large rocky field with no place to run and no place to hide. There was only one option left.
“Officers—” Raph said, his voice pitching up at the end of the word.
“We haven’t done anything wrong,” Leo cut in, climbing up Raph’s shell and leaning over his shoulder to make his point without leaving the safety his older brother provided.
The head officer narrowed his eyes and pointed at Leo.
“You helped Baron Draxum escape and stole from the patrons at the Hirsute Resort and Spa.”
“I was framed,” Leo gasped, one hand held to his chest as he leaned back as far as he could without falling off of Raph’s shell.
“You also helped notable pirate Capitán Piel escape and steal from a charity auction.”
Leo shrugged, and with a nervous laugh said, “I did do that.”
“Leo,” Raph said, reproach evident in his voice.
“What?” Leo asked, dropping to the ground. “It was being held by Big Mama. Besides we saved the world from the Shredder. We’re heroes of humanity and Yokai-kind. Is it yokai kind or yokai-jin or just yokai?”
“Enough,” Donnie cut off Leo’s musing, and pushed in front of Raph to stare down the officers. “We are here investigating weird mystical energy that could prove to be a future threat. And you dumb-dumbs want to waste our time with this?”
The pot’s lid came off with a small clink, heat escaping in a rolling puff of steam as it hit the cooler air, revealing a layer of white rice. Without another thought, Raph scooped some in a bowl and replaced the lid, before opening and rummaging through a nearby drawer, easily fishing out both a lighter and a pack of incense sealed in a ziploc bag.
The drawer slid shut with a dull thud. Raph turned and exited the kitchen.
Raph heard the grinding sound of metal hitting metal.
The sound was distant. But the second he heard it, it was the only sound that mattered.
Far, far, above the battlefield he could see smoke from one of Donnie’s battleshell’s rotors. The smoke provided a record of the chaotic path as Donnie dipped and spun in uncontrolled circles.
With each foot Donnie sank, Raph felt as though his stomach dropped twice as far.
He left two doppelgangers fighting the Hidden City police, and raced to get beneath Donnie.
But he was too far away.
The police were too numerous for his doppelgangers to keep completely distracted.
And even if he could get below Donnatello, he could no longer grow like he could with his tonfa.
He couldn’t catch Donnie like he did Leo. All he could do was watch as his brother plummeted to the ground.
He never thought of silence as something that could be loud. Yet right now, as he stood in the middle of the lair, it was deafening.
For a moment, Raph stopped in his tracks, suddenly hyper aware of the wrongness of it all. There should always be something, like the sounds of Mikey humming to himself, accompanied by the rattle and hiss of a spray can as he painted over the newly cemented sections of their lair. There should be the distant drone of a TV, accompanied by the occasional laughter from dad as he amused himself with the antics of a game show. There should be the sound of skateboard wheels rolling on concrete and loud whining from Leo as he lamented the loss of their skateboard ramp. And there should be something coming from Donnie’s lab in particular, if not the extra buzzes and cracks of nonstop repairs, then because there would always be something going on in there regardless— a physical sound that probably reflected the way ideas thrummed in his brother’s brain.
But there was nothing. The entire lair was hollow and stale and devoid of the life and energy that once filled every nook and cranny. It felt worse than when they returned from the aftermath of Shredder’s defeat, and saw the one place they knew as home nearly destroyed. At least then, they could still rebuild what they lost. And even if they couldn’t, they could always find another place to live. Because when it came down to it, they still had each other; and so long as they had each other, they would always be home.
But what were they supposed to do when even that was on the verge of destruction?
Raph shook the thoughts from his mind before finally moving along. But as he walked past Donnie’s lab, he looked in through the crack of the door against his better judgement, and faltered.
There Donatello sat, head in his hands and a cold, long forgotten coffee abandoned at his side. His battle shell was laid out in front of him, the fixes and possible upgrades made so far once again taken apart, leaving him back at square one.
That would mark the fifth time since the incident.
When Mikey landed, he was still holding Donnie, one arm looped under his legs, the other wrapped around his broken but no longer burning battle shell. Raph was relieved to see them both safely on the ground. But he was sure once they got home, Donnie would grieve over his destroyed battle shell. To grab him safely, Mikey had to break the entire hovering section off.
Donnie glared at the officers moving in fast.
“Is it just me, or did these guys get more competent since the last time we met?”
“Didn’t they capture you last time you met?” Mikey said, his grin falling as bright pink lines formed on the ground around him. “Raph, catch.”
Raph reacted instantly, catching the thrown Donnie gently in his arms. A retreat order was on the tip of his tongue, and Mikey was already racing towards him.
But when Mikey tried to pass over the pink lines, he was forcefully thrown back.
“Guys?” Mikey’s voice pitched up as he backed away from the officers that surrounded his cage.
There was a faint sound as Raph neared their rooms, only heard because he had been subconsciously listening for it in the first place. It led him by the heart until his hand was raised to draw back the curtain to Mikey’s room. And it was within that outstretched hand that he once again saw the pack of incense it still held, and he stopped.
Raph stood there, hesitant and frozen as soft sobs and sniffles continued to drift out of the room. The tug at his heart was even stronger now, urging him to go in and comfort his youngest brother, to engulf him in a hug and give him a shoulder to cry on.
But Raph didn’t. Instead, he drew in another shaky breath to steady himself, incense and lighter clenched tighter in his fist as he lowered it back to his side. He continued past Mikey’s room, one step at a time, despite how his chest felt tighter the further he drew away.
He couldn’t comfort Mikey now. Not while holding what he was holding.
The first weapon that hit Mikey was the hilt of a sword bouncing against his plastron. He grasped that hilt and instantly faded into blue light.
Leo replaced him in the circle. But he only stayed there for the beat that it took for him to catch the sword Mikey returned to him and launch it past the officers.
Leo reformed behind them.
“Too slow,” he laughed, cutting through the device that created the pink lines.
The officer turned.
Leo stuck out his tongue and threw his sword.
A grey and pink sphere was tossed.
Leo disappeared in a flash of blue light.
Misty purple waves spread over the field.
Leo’s sword skidded to a stop at Raph’s feet.
Entering Leo’s room was always the hardest part.
A small part of Raph almost laughed at the irony of his inability to go through doorways today, but it quickly died off, leaving him with nothing but cold, heavy dread.
Nevertheless, he steeled himself. He already came this far, so he had to see this through. He was not going to let another brother down today. He stepped into the room, pushing aside the curtains.
Some parts of the walls had been repaired, while others still had chunks of concrete missing and large cracks running along the surface. It was all still stable, of course. If it wasn’t, then it would’ve no longer been Leonardo’s room. Except Raph was no longer sure if that would’ve been a good thing or not.
In the end, everything that was Leo had been crammed into this one small space, either kept the way Leo left it by Donnie, who would’ve wrapped the entire room in mylar if he had his way, or rummaged through by Mikey, who had simply wanted to feel closer to his older brother.
It was like a time capsule filled with too many ghosts of the past. But this was fine. Raph expected to see all this. He expected to feel this way. After all, it was the same, time and time again. He should have been able to take all of that in stride. And perhaps he would have been able to too.
But when he entered the room, he hadn’t been expecting the faint, blue apparition standing at the other end, head bowed and shell facing towards Raph.
Raph’s breath caught in his throat, his knees becoming weak. He blinked hard to get rid of the sudden blurred stinging in his eyes, heart swelling with a hope he couldn’t afford to feel, because it couldn’t be him . It couldn’t be that easy after everything they tried. And sure enough, when he rubbed his eyes and looked again, the apparition was already gone. Raph was once again alone, hope already crumbling away and leaving him hollow as he stared at the image of Leo’s smiling face.
“Stop.” Raph ordered, extending his arm to block Donnie’s progress.
Donnie glared at him before shifting his focus to the sword in Raph’s hand. “We have to get to the mystic neutralizing device and disable it.”
“We’re outnumbered.” Raph countered, “We have to get out of here.”
“Our brother-”
“Will reform when the device’s power wears off. According to dad that should only be ten minutes or so.”
Raph pushed his brothers backwards. He could hear Donnie hiss under his breath but neither Donnie nor Mikey fought his order.
He knew that they would be angry with him when they got home. But he also knew that Leo would agree with the call. It was better to keep them all safe even if it meant delaying Leo’s reformation.
Raph pushed his brothers to run. He kept his shell between them and the pursuing Hidden City Police officers. Their shouts started off close, but as they ran, Raph could hear them growing more distant.
Still when the shouts completely stopped, it was sudden.
Raph risked turning for a second. He worried that he’d see much more back up, or them having teleported to be right on their heels.
Instead he saw pink and blue light swirling but not mixing.
He saw the Hidden City Police turn and run.
He felt Leo’s sword vibrate in his hand.
He remembered thinking that it was a relief that the anti-mystic device had worn off so soon.
He was wrong.
The photo on the altar had been cropped out from one of the group selfies they took when preparing to go to the Magic Town House, showing Leo sharply dressed in a black suit. Donnie’s shoulder was barely in frame as Leo used it as an armrest, his other hand raised in a peace sign. His toothy grin was so wide that his eyes were nearly shut, his entire face practically glowing with excitement.
It was the happiest Raph had ever seen him.
He knelt in front of it, setting the items in hand down and placing the bowl of rice at the altar before glancing at the photo again. It was sharp and clear like a moment frozen in time, no doubt thanks to April spending extra money at a high end printing service.
They really should pay her back for it. In fact, they needed to pay her back for a lot of things. He offered to do so, but April had only shook her head, placing a hand on his shoulder and said that it was the least she could do. He only recognized the guilt swirling in her eyes because it was a near reflection of his own, but it only served to make him more confused because none of this was April’s fault. She shouldn’t have to feel guilty about any of this.
After all, she wasn’t the one who messed up.
It should have been dramatic. It should have made a sound that echoed throughout the land. But the event that took his little brother from him. It was quiet, and if Raph wasn't looking at the sword when it happened, he wouldn't have noticed the cracks.
He wouldn’t have noticed as the metal fell to the ground.
But he did.
He saw the shards fall.
He knew exactly where they landed.
But he also saw the rapidly expanding sphere of pink and blue light.
Raph reacted on instinct alone.
He had nightmares sometimes, though he wouldn’t ever admit it to his family. Leo would smile in some of them too. Those nightmares would always be the worst, because that smile would always radiate the faith Leo had in his older brother. It was a faith that Raphael should’ve kept closer to his chest, a faith that he would’ve sooner died than ever misplace. But regardless, it was. And in those dreams, cracks would rupture along his brother’s form as if he was made out of glass, and no matter how fast Raph ran, he could never reach Leo in time before his brother was reduced into nothing but a pile of shattered pieces.
Sometimes, it wouldn’t just be Leo.
Raph tore his eyes away from the photo, trying to force those thoughts out of his head. He busied himself with the small ziploc bag, pulling out a stick of incense and switching on the lighter with a small click. He held the stick to the fire and watched as another small flame bloomed on the tip, and counted the seconds, one, two, then three, before gently blowing it out. Stringy wisps of white smoke swirled in the air as he stuck the incense in its holder.
A faint, charred aroma filled the room as Raph once again looked at the altar in its entirety. The broken hilt sat at its usual spot next to the photo frame, having been placed there at around the same time. Meanwhile, his own offering of rice had not been the first today. There were others already on the altar: a small plate with a singular peach, a cup of tea, and a slice of pizza that had long since grown cold.
“Hey, Leo,” he finally spoke, gingerly taking the photo frame into his hands, gazing at the picture behind the glass. “It’s been a while, huh? You’ve probably been waiting for old Raph to tell you what’s been going on since last we talked.” He forced out a laugh, trying to maintain a smile on his face, trying to pretend, just once, that things were a bit more okay. “But man, there’s been a lot that’s happened. I-I don’t even know where to begin.”
He stopped, if only to try and think of something to say. Something good. Leo deserved that at least.
“Oh, I got it! You know, April’s almost done with school for the year, and remember that dress you commandeered from that closing department store? Bet you thought I didn't know about that, but I do! I mean, after Mikey told me. Anyway I-I did the alterations you had talked to him about and we gave it to April like he wanted to. She wore it to prom with Sunita. Though I'm pretty sure she cried the whole time. Still, when she brings the pictures I'll put one here so you can see. She looked amazing, just like you knew she would.”
Raph took a moment to imagine Leo’s reaction to the news. “Of course she would, it’s April!” Leo would say with confidence, equal parts proud of himself for being right, and of April for continuing to be the great person she is. It’d then lead to him lamenting the idea of missing April’s shining moment, and then to him gripping onto Raph, making sure his big brother holds onto that promise. Raph tried not to think about how much his heart ached at the thought.
“Casey’s been around too,” he continued. “She actually came by again yesterday. Planted herself in the kitchen and refused to move until at least one of us went out on patrol. So, I mean, I went, and it...”
Raph paused, his smile fading as the ache in his chest feels more like a twisting hot knife. The strong front he had been trying so hard to maintain crumbles with unsurprising ease and quickness. He heaved a sigh, letting go of it entirely.
“Oh, who am I kidding?” he muttered, pinching the space between his eyes. “Leo, it's hard. There are people out there that need help. Crime doesn't stop just because you're...” Another pause. Another moment of hesitation. “It still feels good to help them, but pizza supreme in the sky , Leo, it's not the same without you or your one liners.” A watery laugh managed to bubble out of his mouth. “Yeah, you heard me, Raph misses your one-liners, and your puns"
Any levity he managed to feel was quick to die away like a smoldering ember.
“I wanna say that I’m fine despite it all, but I think we both know that’s a lie,” he said. “I think I’ve been trying to be fine, but I don’t think it’s working that well. I-I still don’t even know if I wanna be. It just feels...wrong, to be fine with you being gone. But I also can’t help but feel like I have to be, because if I’m not, then how am I supposed to help Donnie, or Mikey, or dad? How am I supposed to keep us all together?” He hesitated, before adding in a smaller voice: “Do I even have the right to do that anymore?”
Silence answered his question like always. But even still, Raph waited a few seconds, his gaze flickering to the broken hilt.
“You know, Donnie stopped Mikey from taking your hilt again this morning,” he said. “I'm not sure which side I should take in that, though they're both pleading their cases to me. Mikey just wants to be closer to you, but Donnie is right. The hilt is yours and it doesn't feel right to just tote it around. I just...I just wish I knew what you wanted. I just want to make everything okay again. I think we all do, but none of us are sure how.
“I mean, you’d think we’d be able catch a break, right? After everything that happened? And when we defeated the Shredder, it felt like we’d all gotten so much closer as a family, but now...now it’s all falling apart again. Not to mention dad—”
Raph cut himself off for a moment, beak pressing into a thin line. His gaze flicked away, a debate warring in his head over his next words. But soon, he looked back at the photo and took a deep breath, his mind made up.
“Leo, I realize you're probably taking your time fanboying over Houdini and Atomic Lad’s actor. But dad, he...he puts on a strong face for us, but Donnie's room shares a vent with his, and I can hear him when I walk by,” he confessed, words coming out in a rush. “He's not doing great, Leo. He's been trying to reach you through the Hamato ancestors, and I don't know if you can hear me here, but he'd really appreciate it if you could pick up, or have a message sent along if you ever bump into any of them. So would I, actually. I mean, maybe you already did. I thought I saw you when I came in, but I just... I need to be sure. I need something that'll let me know it isn't just my mind playing tricks on me.”
Raph was back to waiting for an answer he wouldn’t receive. But even then, he stared intently at the photo, as if staring hard enough would cause the person it depicted to come back to life and talk to him.
But nothing happened, and nobody came.
His gaze softened. “Please?” he pleaded weakly, Leo’s image devolving into blurred, colored shapes as tears stung his eyes. “Even...Even if you don't want to appear to me, at least reach out to our brothers. They didn't do anything wrong, Leo, and they miss you so much.”
His hand gripped the hilt of Leo’s sword so hard, the wrapped fabric dug into the palm of his hand.
He scooped his other brothers up effortlessly.
His feet slammed against the ground. His lungs felt like he couldn’t get enough air. His vision narrowed.
Raph ran faster than he had ever before in his life. He pushed himself until his legs could barely hold them and a sudden gust of wind sent them all tumbling to the ground.
“Where’s Leo?” Mikey’s voice cut through Raph’s exhaustion. “Where’s the rest of his sword?”
“It broke,” Raph explained pushing himself up, “It fell, but we can go back and—”
The sight took Raph’s breath away. There was nothing left behind them. Dirt, rock, everything was gone, leaving a perfectly empty dome behind.
The shards were gone.
He had left his brother behind.
Mikey and Donnie were already running but Leo.
Leo couldn’t run.
And Raph failed him.
“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I never meant to break our family like this. But I did.”
Raph pressed his forehead against the cold glass covering Leo’s photo as tears ran unhindered down his beak.
“Please. I don’t know how to fix this,” he whispered, voice breaking. “Not without you.”