Work Text:
Tubbo’s cheeks hurt from smiling as he circled the construction site, oak wood fencing in hand. He pressed his lips together to stop himself from laughing after catching the tail end of some stupid joke Tommy had made. Rolling his eyes, he continued looking for gaps in the barrier he and Tommy had just put around the soon-to-be Big Innit Hotel, half-listening as his friend spoke.
“- and I'm building this hotel because I realized after I saw you declare Snowchester’s independence, I clocked- right- yeah- this server is about to get all political again. No me gusta, thank you,” Tommy rambled on.
Tubbo paused, looking up at Tommy and blinking at him for a second.
“I- thought you were gonna come and live in Snowchester with me.”
Tommy froze. Tubbo turned his gaze back to the ground, feeling the familiar burn of eyes fixed on him. The tension in the air was suffocating; growing thicker and thicker as the silence stretched on until Tubbo couldn’t breathe. He pressed his fingertips into his palms, making little crescent marks with his fingernails.
“Well, I was going to.”
“Alright, what changed?” Tubbo challenged, continuing to place fencing in the gaps of the wall, refusing to look Tommy in the eyes.
Tommy looked to where Sam Nook stood at the hotel build site, his yellow hardhat glowing from enchantments, before looking back to Tubbo, “Are you sure you want to go to Snowchester?”
“I am,” Tubbo gulped, his throat constricted and lungs burning, “Do- do you not want to?”
Tommy looked down, turning his attention back to the fencing, almost as if he were trying to burn holes in it with his eyes. “I’m not sure anymore, Tubbo. Snowchester was your thing and I was just going along with it because I wasn’t sure what I was gonna do after we lost L’manberg. But now I’ve got something of my own.”
Despite the way his chest tightened and his heart hurt- Tubbo smiled up at Tommy, and he laughed.
•••
Tubbo knew he’d fucked up. He knew. But despite that, after everything, he had thought he and Tommy were finally okay again- that they were finally on the same page.
He couldn’t have been more wrong.
The way the stars twinkled in the sky, almost as if they were mocking him, as he made the long trek back to Snowchester was just rubbing salt into his wounds.
Tubbo knew Tommy had every right to hate him. Tubbo would hate himself too after all he’s done- the damage he was responsible for. He burned a once-great nation, one that had been entrusted to him, to the ground. He let himself be manipulated into believing that Dream ever cared about anyone other than himself. He exiled his best friend over the opinion of a man who would kill him without hesitation and a nation that was already broken. He left him in exile to rot for months alone with the same man who caused the death of his brother and the collapse of a nation he helped build until he had to get help from an anarchist piglin who betrayed his family for his unjust morals and was more likely kill him the same way he did Tubbo than help him.
He’d left his best friend out there all alone with nothing but the occasional Ghostbur visit and the constant torment of a man that’d quite literally taken everything from him.
That was the kind of thing Schlatt would do. That was the kind of thing Schlatt would encourage him to do. Schlatt was not a good person. Tubbo spent so much time under him and Schlatt did nothing but hurt and mistreat him. The thought of being like him terrifies Tubbo.
He’d spent so much time trying to avoid becoming the next Schlatt, only to follow directly in his footsteps.
He’d done terrible things under him. Schlatt had forced him to do terrible things. But the things he’d done after Schlatt died? The things he’d done to Tommy? Those were worse. Those were undeniably his fault, and the mere thought of it makes him sick.
And he still has so much to answer for.
•••
Trudging through the fresh powdery snow, Tubbo recognized the outline of Snowchester from beyond the treeline. Tubbo could see his breath in front of his face. The biting cold was nipping at his nose as snowflakes fell and melted on his cheeks. Tubbo gazed up at the light that radiated from the window of his house. Everything inside looked so content and yellow and everything outside was just so dismal and blue. For a moment, standing in the light, all he felt was warmth and comfort. Just for a moment.
That moment was over too soon.
As soon as Tubbo looked away from the bright glow of the torchlight, he was filled with the same sense of empty sorrow as before.
The snowflakes that had been gathering in his hair had begun to melt and the falling snow was almost as tall as his knees now, making it nearly impossible to walk.
Tubbo glanced up at the alluring yellow light coming from the window. How he longed for the comfort of his home.
The same home the person he loved most didn’t want to be a part of.
Tubbo looked up, frowning slightly, before leaning back and collapsing into the soft cold snow, causing white powder to shoot up in every direction. His limbs were spread every which way and the snow underneath him was melting, but the air was cold, the sky was full of stars, and his head had never been more clear.
He should definitely go inside. He knew he should. But outside in the snow was somehow more warm than the pleasant yellow inside his home. He knew once he set foot inside he’d have to deal with it. Stepping inside Snowchester, his Snowchester, would make it all real. It would mean maybe he and Tommy weren’t as okay as he thought. That maybe he was just as naive as Schlatt said.
He couldn’t bear to face that reality. Not yet. So there he lay, sprawled out in the snow, catching snowflakes with his tongue and ignoring the world spinning around him.