Chapter Text
“I messed up Kourt!” Nini felt the panic welling up inside her, twisting her insides leaving a painful and bitter pill for her to swallow. If she was being honest with herself, which she was because ignoring the issue and hoping it would go away hadn’t worked the first time around, she had more than messed up.
“Neens,” It was obvious Kourt was trying to be patient. The issue was, Nini had been saying the same sentence or variation of for the past 5 minutes. I messed up, I really messed up, I made a mess of everything.
It was how Kourt found herself being practically dragging from the school’s courtyard all the way to her best friend's house to talk about... well, whatever Nini was trying to talk about instead of the “forest of boys” incident that had occurred not 30 minutes earlier.
“I just, I get it now Kourt and I’m so mad at myself.” Nini bit into her lip and willed away the anxiety and fear that she’d push her and Ricky’s romantic (and platonic) relationship past the point of repair.
“Neens!” Her best friend cut her off. “Slow down, messed up what?”
“Everything Kourt! I realize now that yeah it sucks that Ricky didn’t say he loved me back. It stung. No. No, it fucking burned. But I’m thinking about it now and, God,” Nini scoffed and shook her head. “If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t have wanted him to hold it over my head that I wasn’t ready to say those three words.”
“Maybe. But did you forget he literally paused your relationship? He tried to pull a Ross and Rachel on you.”
“No. no,” Nini lifted her pointer finger in challenge. “He was honest about his expectations for a break. I’m not excusing his tip-toeing around why he couldn’t say it. I know now about his parents and understand-“
Kourt went to interrupt and fought to ignore the part of her that wanted to shake Nini, but was stopped by the pleading look in her best friend’s eyes. A look that pleaded for her to try and understand.
“Kourt, please... I’m not saying it’s an excuse to lie to me by omission but, we’re teens and it’s understandable and normal not to know how to deal with it. How to explain why and how you feel to another person when you barely know yourself.”
“Ok.” Kourt waived her metaphorical white flag. As much as she hated to admit it, it was true. Even though He was the boy who broke her best friend’s heart, there was another valid side to the story. “No, I get it. I don’t like it but I get it.”
A long pause. Kourt continued still unsure why Nini suddenly brought all this up. “Nini, why are we here?”
Nini could feel the eyes trained on her but couldn’t bring herself to turn away from the window she stared out of. She sniffed unable to completely hide the pain from her voice and the physical evidence that she was losing the battle and that her tears were winning. Wiping them away, she fought the urge to hide and ignore. That coping technique had gotten her into enough trouble. Facing her best friend she laid everything out. Her heart so bare she felt naked.
Despite her blurred vision, she knew she was staring right into her best friend's eyes as she admitted her true feelings.
“I used E.J to try and get over Ricky. I didn’t mean to but I did. But I realize now I can’t get over Ricky. I can’t because he’s it, he’s my one, there can’t be anyone else. And today...” she trailed off, her voice cracking. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she fought the heartbreak. “Today, I heard him serenading someone else.”
“Aww, Neens...” Kourtney pulled the girl into a tight hug, willing the pain to leave and wishing she could carry the burden for her.
It was as if a dam was broken and all the pent-up longing and pining and jealousy all flowed out. Nini was done being hurt, and now that she was, she was able to understand the situation in a more rounded way.
She shouldn’t have pushed him. He should’ve explained his fear. She shouldn’t have tried to ignore and bury her hurt by dating another guy when she loved another. He shouldn’t have run away. So many should’ve and shouldn’ts she was sick of it.
All she knew was that she was at a point in her life where she was able to look back and say with absolute certainty that their breakup was simply due to their inexperience in relationships.
Now, she was ready to face it all because the sight she saw earlier that day only served to make it all the more clear. The pain, unlike anything she’d felt before, not when she was bullied for having two moms, and not when Kourt almost had to move away, not even after that god-awful night. It was the pain of not being able to find their way to each other again and having to watch him be with another that made her nearly keel over in pain as if she were being stabbed in the gut. If she tried and it didn’t work... well, she’d smile sadly but with such fondness. And with a painful pang in her chest, she’d think, perhaps another lifetime.
But it would only be him, no one else, not another E.J meant to distract from the pain, and more than anything else, she refused to not try. She vowed then and there she would never allow her pride and hurt to cloud her judgment, again.
Now all she had to do was find out if she was too late.