Chapter Text
Cold.
That was all Ben Solo really felt, these days, an ever-present chill on his skin, bones and heart.
He weakly stumbled into a dark, damp, abandoned alleyway, before practically collapsing to the ground. He quickly shrugged an old, frayed backpack off of his shoulders and took it in his hands, shivering from both the cold and his own excitement as his weak, shaky hands struggled to unzip it.
After what felt like years, he clumsily pulled out a belt, a near-empty, disposable water bottle, a cigarette lighter, a syringe, a spoon, some alcohol swabs, and finally, a small, clear bag containing a thick, tar-like, brownish-white powder. He gazed reverently at the powder, silently begging it to whisk him away from here, wherever "here" was.
Ben opened the clear bag and fumbled around for the spoon, before shaking out some of the powder, causing it to land on said spoon. He sealed the bag and returned it to his backpack for safekeeping, before taking the water bottle in his hand and staring at it, his eyes full of conflict and worry. He was thirsty. So very thirsty, but he only had a few drops left. Carefully, he poured a tiny amount of water onto the spoon, before instantly pulling the bottle to his mouth and desperately drinking the remaining drops of precious water. He tapped the bottom, pleading with any god that would listen to spare him just a few more drops, but they didn't listen. They never listened.
He dejectedly tossed the bottle to the side, wanting nothing more than to just curl in on himself and cry, but he'd feel okay in a minute, he knew he would. Focused solely on chasing the high before him, Ben scrambled for his lighter and pulled it up to the spoon, hypnotized while watching the flame cause the powder to melt and bubble as it was liquefied. Not wanting to waste any more time, he rolled up his sleeve and impatiently grabbed the belt- tying it around his forearm and biting down on it as he frantically tapped at his skin, desperate for a vein to appear. When one did, he could've screamed in joy, had he the energy.
With nothing else left to do, Ben pulled the beautiful, golden-brown syrup into the syringe, his hands shivering in anticipation as he pulled the belt tighter and bit down harder, before finally injecting his hit, closing his eyes as he did so.
With the last moments of his semi-lucidity, Ben quickly opened the alcohol swabs and began wiping down the spoon, syringe and lighter, before hastily dumping all of his paraphernalia back into the backpack. With one alcohol swab left out for his arm, he began disinfecting the point of injection.
As he wiped at his forearm, his movements abruptly slowed, his eyelids became heavy and his mind was wrapped in a strange, yet pleasant haze.
"Oh, fuck yes...", Ben murmured in ecstasy as he slumped against the wall, before slowly sliding down until he found himself lying on the ground.
Ben was floating. He didn't know where to, but he was just contentedly floating along amongst the clouds. The stars were so beautiful, in fact, everything was beautiful. Suddenly, the chilling atmosphere evaporated, and he was warm! He felt so safe, like a baby, wrapped up in a soft blanket as he fell asleep in his mother's arms.
As Ben drifted in and out of consciousness, he hardly even knew where he was, who he was, what he was, when he was, or why he was, but that was okay. Maybe it was easier that way.
Minutes, or maybe even hours passed as Ben just drifted, and drifted, and drifted, but eventually, his blissful reverie wore off, and he came crashing back down to Earth.
Ben groaned, with the simple act of opening his eyes having become utterly excruciating. He tried to sit up, but could hardly feel his arms, while his legs, back, and stomach all ached to an unbearable degree. After finally managing to prop himself up against the wall, it became clear to Ben that he had a horrible, burning fever, while simultaneously being chilled by the cold once again.
Reality all came rushing back to Ben at once. It was the dead of night in the middle of winter, and he was sleeping rough in a town he didn't know, yet again, and he still hadn't been stabbed to death or rescued by his parents. Whichever came first, he'd welcome. He still couldn't believe he'd ended up like this, so he did everything in his power to avoid thinking about how things used to be and could've been, but it was impossible.
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He'd been the only child of Leia Organa, a former Senator, and Han Solo, her renegade husband whose chequered past had gotten her embroiled in more scandals than enough. His uncle, Luke Skywalker was a well respected cop, like his father Anakin before him. Growing up, Ben's family earned him the jealousy of many of his classmates, which the boy couldn't help but resent. Kids would flock around him, wanting to be his friends, but it became abundantly clear that they didn't want to be his friends at all, they just wanted a chance to go to his house, play with all the latest toys and play the newest video games, but when they got their fill, they'd never speak to him again and act like they'd never known him in the first place.
Being the son of Leia Organa and the grandson of Padme' Amidala meant that from the moment he was able to read and write, Ben faced immense academic pressure in school, with teachers never failing to remind him of what he had to live up to. Naturally, this only got worse as he approached his teen years, with some teachers going so far as to taunt him with his father's history. Any of his achievements would be written off and attributed to his prestigious background, while any of his shortcomings would be deemed unacceptable for that very same reason.
Despite none of the pressure coming from them personally, Ben couldn't help but resent his parents, and their ceaseless arguing didn't help either. For as long as he could remember, Han and Leia had argued over the smallest, most insignificant things, to the point where they'd often seem to forget what they were even arguing for in the first place. Like many kids, Ben blamed himself for his parents' disagreements, but unlike other kids, the feeling only worsened as he got older, and despite all of his grievances with them, he genuinely loved his parents, and the idea of them separating was his worst nightmare.
High school was when things got really bad. Everyone else had their cliques, with many students having boyfriends and girlfriends, but Ben was still on his own.
That's when he met Armitage Hux.
The boy was an insufferable, arrogant, snobby know-it-all, and Ben couldn't stand him. Still, nobody else had ever payed any attention to him before, so Ben felt obligated to tolerate him. Just being associated with Hux proved to be a bad idea however, seeing as it led to far more detentions and run-ins with teachers than he'd ever had before- causing his parents and uncle to worry, which only increased the friction Ben had with them.
Eventually, Hux introduced a very reluctant Ben to some of his loosely-defined "friends." Vicrul, Cardo, Ushar, Trudgen, Kuruk, and Ap'lek, all of whom had been suspended multiple times and were on the verge of expulsion, with Vicrul and Ap'lek even having criminal records. The group seemingly took an interest in the young Solo, constantly showing up where he least expected them and forming a sort of unwanted protective circle around him, but Ben was far too afraid to tell them to back off. Just being seen with the delinquents was enough for most teachers to fully give up on Ben.
At this point, his new friends began offering him cigarettes and alcohol, which he initially refused, but the stress from his worsening reputation at school and the constant comparisons to his parents caused the temptation to grow, and one day after a particularly cruel comment from a teacher, Ben succumbed. He hadn't particularly enjoyed his first cigarette and beer, but the buzz he'd got afterwards was remarkably pleasant, and he kept coming back for more.
One night, Ben had come home clearly drunk, with his parents immediately taking notice and voicing their concerns, which spiraled into a huge argument that ended with him punching a wall in his frustration and breaking three knuckles. The ride home from the hospital was the most awkward experience of Ben's life- it was completely silent, and he detected no anger from his parents, only disappointment and concern. He'd never felt like such a failure.
After this, Ben began spending more time with his friends, which led to them introducing him to harder drugs, passing him a small, clear bag of cocaine, which he promised himself he wouldn't take. However, that same night, Kuruk and Ushar robbed a store at knifepoint, prompting the rest of the group to run- leaving only Ben behind without a second thought. When the Police car arrived, none other than Luke Skywalker exited it, and the disappointed, yet pitying gaze he eyed his wayward nephew with was enough for Ben to burst into tears. Luke knew Ben, and was confident that he wasn't responsible for the crime, but he was just heavily intoxicated in the wrong place at the wrong time. He begged and pleaded to be let go, paralyzed with fear as he was escorted into the Police car. Luke made one thing very clear- Ben was lucky that it was him that found him and not anyone else.
Ben couldn't even meet his mother's gaze as she answered the door with tears in her eyes and profusely apologized to Luke for wasting his time. In his room that night, Ben could clearly hear his parents screaming at each other over his arrest, with Leia baselessly trying to blame the whole thing on Han. In that moment, Ben felt like more of a burden and a waste of space than ever. Feeling completely hopeless, he pulled the little bag out of his coat, opened it, slowly and shakily brought it up to his nose, before finally snorting it. He felt the arguing fade away and was suddenly very confident and remarkably pleased with himself.
Despite their previous betrayal, Ben came crawling back to the delinquents who got him into that mess in the first place. What had started with the occasional cigarette and beer evolved into binge drinking, then weed, then cocaine.
Before Ben knew it, he was addicted to heroin.
As the days turned into weeks and weeks into months, the group began talking more and more about a man named Snoke, and even in his perpetually dosed-up daze, Ben knew the name was vaguely familiar to him. Eventually, it clicked.
Long before Ben was even born, a crime boss by the name of Sheev Palpatine ruled the criminal underbellies of many cities with an iron fist, and Anakin Skywalker had devoted much of his career to bringing him to justice. At some point however, Anakin ended up on Palpatine's payroll, feeding him information about the Police department in exchange for his family's safety. When Luke grew up to take on the same career as his father, he discovered his betrayal, but managed to convince his father to come clean and and admit the truth. Anakin revealed everything he knew about Palpatine's criminal empire, which led to both men being arrested, but with Anakin being granted a much more lenient sentence. Unfortunately, Anakin was murdered shortly after, but Luke was never able to prove it, and all records claim he "disappeared". With Palpatine behind bars, one of his cronies by the name of Snoke seized control of all of his assets.
Ben realized far too late that Hux had set him up. He was involved with a gang.
The young Solo was utterly terrified, and desperately wanted to tell his parents about the situation he'd ended up in, but he didn't want to put them in danger. Still, Leia was remarkably observant, and could tell that her son had come home in an even worse state than usual that night. Ben was exhausted and could hardly keep his eyes open, yet he was fidgety, shaking, sweating, and crying. Leia tried talking to her son, comforting him and attempting to calm him down, but Ben was totally incapable of holding a rational conversation.
During his agitated pacing around the room, a small bag of heroin fell out of Ben's pocket, and Leia got to it first. She begged her son to tell her it wasn't what she thought it was, but he couldn't, and when she turned away to get rid of it, Ben aggressively snatched it back, clutching it to his chest and growling at his mother like a wild animal. Han rushed into the room to restrain his son, but Ben frantically kicked and elbowed his father until he dropped him. Through tears, Leia pleaded with Ben, begging him to let them help him.
The thought of any kind of "help" terrified Ben, and he backed away in fear, staring at his parents as if they were two total strangers, before sprinting out the front door, with Han giving chase. Eventually, Han lost sight of Ben, and after looking everywhere for him, returned home to Leia, and instead of arguing like they normal did, they simply embraced without a word, weeping for their missing son.
Ben ran, and ran, and ran, but eventually, the gang he'd become afflicted with found him. The six delinquents that had claimed to be his friends beat him within an inch of his life, and left him for dead. Ben crawled to his feet after being left alone and resumed his aimless wandering, blacking out repeatedly as he did so. Eventually, he woke up dazed, confused, and alone on a train, before being swiftly thrown out. Ben looked around, utterly lost as he found himself in an unfamiliar area with nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. He stumbled to a street corner, before collapsing and crying himself to sleep. The boy was utterly helpless, and dozens of people passed him by, yet none such much as glanced at him, unwilling to acknowledge his existence.
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Weeks, or even months passed, and Ben's thoughts took him back to the present day. After reliving everything yet again, Ben couldn't help but burst into tears. There were many kids that slept rough on the streets, but unlike them, Ben had a home, a bed to sleep in, an education, and parents who loved him, all of which he'd left behind, and for what? He'd been a straight-A student, and now he had to depend on the kindness of strangers just to be able to eat. He was emaciated, looking quite literally like a shell of the boy he should've been, and had nothing to his name except the old clothes he was wearing, his frayed backpack containing his paraphernalia, a packet of cigarettes, and the tattered parka that was currently wrapped around him like a makeshift blanket. He wanted nothing more than to call his parents, just to tell them how much he loved them and how sorry he was, but of course, he'd sold his phone to fund his drug habit. His life was completely miserable, and the only thing that could comfort him was the very thing that got him in this mess in the first place.
In between his own broken, self-loathing sobbing, Ben swore he heard a series of soft, quiet, feminine sobs. Whoever the cries belonged to sounded utterly lost, broken, and defeated, like they'd given up on life and finding any sort of happiness in it. For reasons Ben couldn't explain, he felt an irresistible pull to the sound. Maybe he'd become so horribly lonely that he didn't even consider how dangerous it could be, or maybe it was because the quiet wails of grief echoed his own heartache so perfectly.
Either way, Ben forced himself to his feet with a groan of extreme, painful effort, and on shaky, unsteady legs, headed in the direction of the crying.